Stories About Motherhood

This was supposed to be up on Mother's Day itself but I have been tied up with revision, and I am still behind! In any case last Sunday, we watched two great movies about motherhood - "Mother And Child" and "The Backup Plan".

"Mother And Child" is about three women whose lives intertwined through adoption. A fourteen-year-old girl was found pregnant, and had to give up the baby for adoption. The incident affected her and she became bitter and distrustful. Years later, she met a man and started to trust again. They married and his own daughter encouraged her to look for her long-lost daughter.

Meanwhile her daughter Elizabeth, who had known all her life that her mother abandoned her and felt belonged to no one, became an ambitious loner who slept her way to the top. But when she became pregnant, she decided to keep her baby and look for her real mother.

In comes Lucy, who had been trying in vain to have a baby for four years and decided to adopt as she wanted badly to be a mother. Her husband would like a boy so they decided to adopt a boy. They met up with a twenty-year-old unwed mother who is willing to give up her son for adoption upon giving birth.

But Lucy's husband scorned her for not being able to have a child and they divorced. She decided to go ahead and adopt the unborn baby. Unfortunately, the girl refused to give up her baby after giving birth.

Lucy was despondent. Just when she was losing hope, news came of another baby for adoption. Elizabeth had died in childbirth due to complications in pregnancy and her baby girl was then offered to Lucy for adoption, who accepted immediately.

One year later, Elizabeth's mother, who all along had been looking for her, finally got some news due to a little administration confusion at the orphanage where she enquired. She realised her own daughter had died but had given her a granddaughter who happened to live just a few houses away from her!

She then went to visit Lucy and the little girl Ella. Seeing her, it was as if her own daughter had come back. Finally she is in peace with herself.

I cried after watching the show. No matter what they are, mothers are really the greatest. A mother will never forget her own child, no matter how little time she had with the child. A mother will always put her child first, even to the extent of giving up her life just so the child can live.

I believe as a woman, each of us do hope to become a mother one day. Some choose to adopt to experience motherhood. Some, like Jennifer Lopez's character in "The Backup Plan", choose to artificially inseminate so she can be a mother after giving up meeting the right man.

That is why married women have said they feel happiest and most complete when they are pregnant, and not when they are married. So let us give our mothers a big salute!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Of Adoption ....

My cousin said that the Children's Home is having a fostering program, and asked if I would be interested. My church is affiliated with a certain Children's Home that is also having a fostering program, and asking around for surrogate parents. Strangely, my counsellor once suggested I should adopt a kid to fill this void in my life.

Now, why is everyone asking me to take care of a kid to fill up my void in life and make myself more cheerful? If there are things I am still depressed about, then nothing can ever be a replacement or make me more cheerful, no matter what I do.

I am not saying that I am not willing to take care of a kid. I always want my own kid, two, three, five even. If circumstances are different, I would have my own kid(s) by this time. And whether by having kids or adopting them, raising children is still a wonderful thing.

I will not rule out adoption. In fact, I think adoption is better from another aspect, because adoption is giving the kid a better life, letting him / her know that there are people who are willing to love him / her and take care of him / her for life. And there are so many poor kids in the world who are badly in need of a better environment to grow up in.

But adoption and having kids per se is a very huge responsibility. There is no return policy. One cannot just adopt and then later on say have no time or resources and give the kid up, just like one cannot just get pregnant, give birth and then chuck the kid aside. That is so irresponsible!

Likewise, one cannot adopt a kid and then treat him / her like a slave, or subject him / her to beatings and abuse anytime one likes. It just does not work this way. If one is to adopt a kid, then one has to treat him / her as one's very own child, and give him / her the love, attention, commitment and devotion as how one would give to one's own child.

My parents once told me that if I am to be single, and want to have a kid, they much rather I adopt one than give birth to one out of wedlock. I fail to see what difference does that make. Giving birth will be my own child, likewise adoption will also be my own child. So why is it I can adopt a kid that has been abandoned by someone else, yet cannot give birth to my own one?

Yes, I want to have kids of my own, be it through natural or adoption. So why am I hesitating? Perhaps because I am still not that emotionally prepared to accept a kid in the family. If I am to have a child, then I have to make sure I can be fully prepared to accept the child, physically, emotionally and mentally.

Because the child deserves the fullest and best attention and care. Anything less will be unfair to the child. And I also have to ensure he / she is accepted by my family and treated as part of the family and my guy, although he has said if I am to adopt a child, he will not mind and will accept.

And if I am to get married, whoever my spouse is next time, he will have to accept that I have a child and be fully prepared to treat the child as his own, and lavish the child all the care and attention like how a father dotes on his own child.

There will be no excuse on accepting me but not the child, because I am not going to give up the child. And there will also be no unfair treatment even if we have our own children next time. The child I adopt will never be treated as an outcast no matter what happens.

Which is why I am still hesitating, because this is a big responsibility. It concerns someone's life, well-being and future. It is not shopping for clothes or shoes that once wear out, they can be chucked aside. This is a life-long commitment, just like having a pet.

And it will be more fair to the kid not to adopt him / her if one cannot bear the full responsibility and commitment and give the kid the very best in life, rather than adopt him / her only to chuck aside and neglect after a while.

Full Circle, Or Should Parents Give Their Children Away?

I have been badgering my brother to be a guest writer on my blog, but he says he is on holiday so do not wish to have anything to do with any writing whatsoever. Lazy bum! But he related this story to me which I find very touching. It was on one episode of “Full Circle”, the new series which touches on heartlanders' real life events. The first episode was on how a set of twin sisters, one brought up by a Malay family, the other brought up by a Chinese family, got reunited only fifty years later. The one my brother recounted to me was on this week’s episode, about how a mother got reunited with her youngest son only to see him on the Death Row.

Apparently the boy was fostered out when his parents divorced, to a family who only had three daughters but no son. However, when his foster mother got pregnant again and gave birth to a son, he started being abused. When he was fifteen, he could not stand it anymore and ran away from home.

He dropped out of school and started mixing around with all the bad company. He worked as a pimp in a lounge. After a big brawl, he beat up a client and accidentally killed him. Although there was no intention to kill in the first place, he was sober and strong enough to render enough hurt to kill the victim, and when the victim had already collapsed, still continued beating him. Thus he was sentenced to death, at the age of 18. His natural mother sat through every court appearance and broke down when she heard the verdict. The defending lawyer said had he been just eight months and one day younger, he would have been too young to be sentenced to death and be sentenced to life imprisonment to be kept at the President’s pleasure instead.

A sad story indeed. How many parents can be reunited with their long-lost children in the first place, let alone to be reunited only to lose the kid again? When the mother last saw her son in the prison cell before he was hanged, he declared that she was not at fault so should not blame herself for his plight. Seemed like he was remorseful afterall. I think the mother would be glad to see him so sensible at least.

In cases like these, where do the faults lie? The natural parents? The foster parents? The boy? There is no right or wrong answer to this. This can make a good General Paper topic, “Who is solely responsible for the downfall of the boy? Discuss.”

In my opinion, all parties were at fault in one way or another. The natural parents were so irresponsible to foster him out in the first place just because they faced problems in their own marriage. Even if a couple split up, they should agree or let the court decide on the upbringing and custody of the child. However I believe it was very painful for the mother to give him away like that.

The foster parents were even more at fault. If they wanted to adopt him, then they should take the full responsibility of taking care of him and treating him as their own child, regardless of whether they have anymore children after that. It was totally inexcusable for treating him as an outcast just because they managed to have their highly-desired son and abused him as he was not of their own.

What about the boy himself? No doubt he fell into bad company, but he grew up thinking nobody wanted him, and there was no role model for him to look out for. Naturally he would go with his friends whom he thought were more there for him than his own family, even if his friends indulged in bad habits like smoking or taking drugs. He was just a misguided teenager as there was no one to teach him the right values. That is why I feel for him more than anyone else.

I feel that for a couple to even start a family, both must ensure they are willing to be committed and take the responsibility of raising the kids in spite of whatever circumstances later on. My cousin is also divorced, but she and her ex-husband are sharing the child-rearing responsibility between them. And for a couple who wants to adopt a kid, they must also be committed to take full responsibility for the child’s well-being, even though they may have their own children later on.

Giving a child away is not that big a sin. If the child is forced to grow up under poor circumstances with just a single parent who cannot afford to give him the best and send him to school, then perhaps giving him away to a good family may turn out to be a better thing. But adopting a child and later mistreating him is a bigger sin. It is not just irresponsible but downright mean.

No wonder my cousins and friends who are married still do not plan to have any children. They always say that if they are still not financially stable to provide the best to the child, then it is better not to bring a kid into the world. Makes sense to me. But what is the joy in marriage if there is no children? I always think a couple can only enjoy a honeymoon stage for just a year or two the most, after that it is best to have children to spice up the marriage. But that also depends how old I will be if and when I ever get married. If I get married before 30 (still hoping) then I can still afford to wait a little. If I get married after 30, then I want to have kids fast because I do not wish to be an overaged mother and give birth to an abnormal child.