Civil Or Criminal?

Few months ago, I went online to lodge a police report about a case that has been pending for a very long time. That was before I left for Borneo, and since then I started in my new job and essentially did not wish to proceed on due to some factors.

However, last Friday, the police officer called me, asking me about the report I made. He said in order to proceed investigations, he would advise two courses of actions, one to take out a civil suit, which means I would need to engage a lawyer and go through the entire paperwork leading to the trial, or else proceed with a criminal suit, in which case the perpetrator would be taught a lesson.

Either way does not sound tempting to me. If I proceed with a civil suit, I am spending money for nothing, even though there is a strong case. But at the end the perpetrator will only need to pay me monetary damages, but there is no guarantee the case would be stopped after that. But if the perpetrator has no money to pay me, what then? Even if there is injunction, the court is not so free to monitor when the money is being paid, and if I am to sue for non-payment, I would have to pump in more time and money to go through a trial again.

If I take out a criminal suit, which is the more preferable way as that would also be a strong case, then it is a likely jail term. But if a person goes to jail, it is the end of the road, as he will always have a record as a prisoner. He will then never be able to find another job, or even if he could, he would not be able to rise up in his career into roles of responsibility. And that is not including how his family members would feel.

Personally I would never send someone to jail because the punishment is just too much. It is not just the own person, but the whole family who would be involved and labelled. I do not wish to be the one responsible for destroying an entire family.

On the other hand, what other ways can we get a perpetrator to stop the wrongful things he is doing? I lodged a police report because I was at my wit's end, but do I really want to be the one sending him to jail? I will never be able to live with my own conscience, but if things blow out of proportion and more people get involved, then it is not good as well. I would not want others to be in any forms of unwanted situations through no fault of their own.

The officer gave me some time to think about what I wanted to do, and he said he would call me back this week to sound me out. If I do intend to go the criminal way, then I would need to go down and make a formal signed statement, and then they can start investigating, otherwise I would have to go find my own lawyer.

If only I have an answer to what I should do!

A Day Off That Turned Awry

Thank goodness I got my problem resolved last night, otherwise I do not think I can ever go to work today. Even though I am past the stage where I show my emotions to everyone, which is why some people wonder why I can be so "heartless" that I am upset one moment and then totally calm and treat as if nothing happened the next moment, still certain things do impact my life until I can hardly function. As to the "heartless" part, it is not as if I do not care, I just do not feel it appropriate to involve others in my own problems because ultimately it is between me and one other person and not the whole world.

In any case, luckily I took the day off due to the intensive weekend. It was supposed to be a day of rest and relax, but I hardly got any resting done. Instead I got more drained, emotionally drained that is. I never want to go through that kind of experience ever again! Once in a long while (and never again) is more than enough for me to bear! I am no longer that young to have the energy to face all these emotional turmoils anymore!

Witnessing With The Love Of God

And that was the theme for the recently concluded Conference. We had four sessions of the "Witnessing With The Love of God" presentations, starting from Thursday evening, all the way until the late afternoon of Friday.

Essentially, the entire theme was on how to control our emotions and managing our anger. Anger itself is not a sin, but not doing anything about it or letting it control us is a sin. Every human being gets angry, but whether we get angry and then find peace, or whether we get angry and escalate it into revenge, it is on how we manage our own anger.

The presenters also gave us a book each, as our journals, on noting down who had made us angry and what we felt, what we could do. This made me wonder - there are many angry people in the world, but not everyone know how to manage their anger.

Some people manage their anger by bursting out at everyone and anyone. But they are usually harmless, because once they have an outburst, things are back to normal. It is their way of letting out.

Some people write down everything and every emotion. This is their way of letting out. Personally I find this method the best. I used to be a very angry person too. I thought the whole world was against me. I was insecure, negative, whiny, and took everything personally.

I hope I have grown out of that stage. Of course, there are still times when I am emotional, but who is not? But I realise that because I started this blog more than five years back, I could write down anything and everything, expressing myself without any reservation, that I actually grew from there. When I have written down, I could go back and take a look from a different perspective, and it really helped me to grow.

Now I can say I have stopped being so whiny and negative. I think I am more confident than before, more outspoken than before, and have the guts to say it as I see it, instead of hiding everything. I dare not say it is because of my blog that I change so much, but I daresay it somehow contributes a bit to who I am now, instead of who I was before.

Hence, writing is a very powerful tool. The pen is really mightier than the sword. Which is why I still do not wish to stop writing, as I have seen for myself how by penning down my issues, I am able to overcome them and become a better person.

In any case, the sessions concentrated on anger, emotions, writing down our feelings, thinking of people who have offended us in one way or another, and the final one - forgiveness. It is not hard being angry with someone, but it is very hard to forgive someone.

And that is the essence of the whole theme - on forgiveness. That we forgive whoever who had been making us angry, whoever we had issues with, whoever who had offended us, that we forgive and help them through. Because the moment we are able to actually forgive someone, we will no longer have a thorn in our hearts and really achieve peace.

And that is the greatest gift which God wants to give us - being able to forgive and have peace within ourselves, and with others. This is a lesson which I will never forget. In fact, this whole Conference has inspired me so much that I could even wake up so early just to attend mass! It has kind of renewed my faith a bit and I hope to be able to walk further with God.

Does Privacy Settings Work?

I am upset! I had been upset during my cousin's wedding on Saturday! I used to look forward to weddings, ever since my first cousin who got married when I was ten years old. Since then, I had been looking so much to when my turn would be.

However, in recent years, each time when I heard a cousin was getting married, I was both overjoyed and sad. Overjoyed because it is a good thing, but sad because when you see people younger than you tying the knot, and you are getting on in years, you start to wonder is there anything wrong with you that you feel as if you can only be left on the shelf? You start to wonder, when will it ever be your turn?

So on the day of the wedding, I took lots of photos, for my own collection. But since the photos are of my cousin's wedding, I decided to share it with the rest of my family too. I uploaded the photos onto Facebook, marked the album "Private", accessed by only me, and then sent an invite to only my immediate family members, ie my brother and my close cousins. No one else would be able to see it.

I thought it was alright because I had taken pictures of the wedding of some other cousins before, and no one else could see the album. At least no one said anything. So imagine my surprise when my uncle called me just now and scolded me. He said I should have asked permission first, that I should respect their privacy, and to ask me to remove all the photos. My uncle does not have a Facebook account, and I already told my cousins that the photos are private!

Yet my uncle said, he heard it from a third party whom he did not invite, and this third party called to ask about the wedding. He made it seem as if I deliberately "broadcasted" everything, when I did not! He said he did not invite everyone, so he did not want people to know. Honestly, in my opinion, if it is your wedding, you can invite whoever you like, and those who did not receive the invitation should accept it because it is the couple's wedding, they have no obligation to invite everyone under the sky!

I even asked my colleague to go into my account from hers, and she verified that she really could not see the photos. It is really private, accessed to only me and those I invited! So how could anyone else then access the album? In this case, how "private" is the privacy settings? Then it is a real infringement of privacy if anyone else can access a "private" album!

So now I am upset! It seems as if since young, whatever I do is wrong and whatever others do is right! My cousins only have people praising them to the sky, whereas for me, since young I seem to be scolded by everyone else! What a way to start the day!

Blowing Up Before A Weekend Retreat

I am actually a tad pissed off at some people. When we do things together, it should be for a common cause. Yet again, why are there those who do things for their own purpose and treat everything and everyone else as unimportant? At times I really have half a mind to just quit and then see how important my role really is.

The thing is if I speak up it may be offensive and things may turn out to be worse. But if I do not speak up, I feel like being taken for a ride and the last thing I ever like is to be treated as a fool.

In any case I am off on another weekend retreat. With this kind of mentality, it may be hard to really enjoy and immerse myself thoroughly. Hopefully I will still be enriched after that!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Distressed ....

I know I am falling behind again, but it had been one thing after another. To top it off, my paternal grandma has been hospitalised. She fell last Tuesday evening at home and my mum rushed her to the hospital on Wednesday. We went to visit her last Wednesday and she was fine, still able to recognise us and talk to us. She was supposed to be discharged last Sunday.

I was away at the retreat for the weekend. When I returned on Sunday night, my grandma was still not back. I found out she was suddenly in critical condition on Sunday. So the doctor had to keep her in for a few more days. She was alright on Sunday night. I went to see her the past two days and she was still alright.

Now I am praying and keeping my fingers crossed that nothing would happen! My grandma has always been healthy and strong. She can still walk around steadily without the help of anyone, and can still go about her daily functions even at this age of almost ninety-eight years. She can still eat three meals a day and go to the bathroom as per normal.

If I ever reach that age, I wish to be just as healthy as well! This is the grandma that has been staying at my house ever since I was born. She helped to take care of me when I was young and always advised me whenever my mum and I used to have our arguments. I really wish nothing will happen and she can come back and live with us again as normal!

Forgiveness? Not!

On Monday, when I got off the train to meet my friend for dinner, I saw someone stepping into the train which immediately caused a constriction to my chest. Then I realise it was not who I saw. To clarify the confusion, I thought I saw the jerk who cheated me, but later realised it was actually my best friend's ex.

For the benefit of "newer" readers, my best friend and her ex were my classmates, and we have known each other for like fourteen years now. I met a guy at a company I was working in once who kind of look a lot like him (although my best friend said she could not see the resemblance), who later wooed me and we started dating, only to turn out to be a disaster as he was nothing but a lying cheating jerk who stringed not just me, but a few other women along as well.

Anyway, when I saw him, I really did a double take. I thought I was looking at the face of that jerk. Again, all the bitterness and hurt resurfaced. I thought I could forget, but apparently all the pain is still in me. People always say time heals all wounds, so why is this particular wound not healed yet?

But luckily, I managed to collect myself in time to realise it was actually my friend and not that jerk. So I sent him a text message and he confirmed it was indeed him. It helps that he looks the same after all these years. Why are men always able to maintain themselves so well?

So we had a mini conversation and it was good catching up. We also exchanged email addresses and promised to meet for lunch one day while I am still working in this area!

An International Reunion

The reunion went well today, as usual. Since everyone was here, we had a full family portrait with the third and fourth generations, as well as those attached and soon to be married. In the end, it was thirty of us (plus a dog) which the photographer managed to take into a big family portrait. After that it was family by family with my maternal grandma, so four families altogether. Since there were little kids around, the photographer acted like a clown and use props and toys to get the kids attention so as to get a good shot.

We proceeded to the restaurant for lunch after that. It was an exclusive restaurant open to members only. My uncle is a member so he got us a room and booked five tables. Come to think of it, I am finding it a drag going for big massive gatherings like that. Firstly, all the cousins my age and younger are either attached, engaged, married and with kids. So these would usually be seated together.

Next would be the "kids" table for, erh.. the younger ones, as in those who are newly graduated or still studying, so their ages range from sixteen to twenty-five. And because I am still single, I am often put at that table, even though I am no longer that age. The next few tables will be the Indonesian relatives, the old folks like my grandma, grand-uncle and the sons of my late grandpa.

The daughters and their partners (my mum and aunts) will then be at another table. This is Chinese tradition for you - the segregation of the hierarchy and ranks of the generation, the separation of the sons and daughters as sons will always be of a higher rank than the daughters, hence only the sons are deserving to sit with the parents and the daughters have to sit on a separate table.

Now, my cousins are all high-fliers. Even the younger ones are from the integrated programs to do straight 'A' levels without going through 'O' levels. Those newly graduated are from Masters or top grads, for instance, one of my cousins recently came out in the news for being the top Oxford graduate in law. Not to mention the number of doctors, Masters and PhDs from my this side of the family.

Hence I always feel so idiotic sitting with them and amongst them. I always do not wish to talk for fear of saying the wrong things. I feel so low among them, as they always seem so much more knowledgeable and talking about higher order things that are beyond my level. Still they are nice people, I just do not wish to sound and feel like a fool.

Looking at my cousins and their other halves, I cannot help but envy how blissful they look. Yes, I know my family is quite massive. And they are loud and outspoken, especially my mum, with her bossy and domineering personality. Even one of my newer cousin-in-laws remarked that we are a rather sociable family, not like his where everyone just keep quiet and stare at each other.

So why were the men I dated before never wanted to come along for massive family gatherings? Why do the guys whom I met lately always get frightened off when they know my qualifications, what I am working as and where I stay? I am not the powerful one, it is my mum and the rest of my family. Why get scared off? So why are my relatives able to find mates that can mingle and will not be scared off? Sometimes I really wonder if I am the only one born under an unlucky star, that I cannot even seem to succeed in anything!

If It Is A Sign, What Does It Mean?

Is it a coincidence or is it a sign? For the past few months, I have been writing in my petitions and praying to God to provide the right one whom He deems most suitable for me. Now, there is still no one in sight. Yet within three weeks, I heard from the same person twice, someone from the past whom I no longer want to have any contact with, someone who cheated me, broke my heart, left me in the lurch, I went under depression because of him, and when the whole tirade was over I thought it was good riddance and I never wanted to have anything to do with him anymore!

So I lived life per normal, getting better, and I really did not hear from him ever again. That was about two years back now. I even deleted his number away. When suddenly, three weeks ago, he sent me a message and asked if we could go for lunch. I was shocked beyond words. I deleted the message. Even though I had deleted his number away, I could still remember what it was.

Then today, I received another message, asking if we could meet for a drink and a coffee. Now just what is he up to? Has he not hurt me enough? As if hurting me and making me miserable was not enough, he had to put things in a public forum indicating he was the one who was victimised and I did not understand him?! What is not to understand if he just wanted to play with my feelings right from the start?

All these while I was praying for the right one, when I heard from no one but this. If it is a sign, I seriously wonder what it is? If I let it go, will I have then give up a chance of getting hitched ever again? But if I do not let it go and entertained, who is to say history will not be repeated? I may not be a bright person, but even the dumbest person will not get herself cheated and played with more than once by the same person!

I do not know if it is a sign from God, but the God who loves everyone, does He really want me to be in a miserable state again, knowing what had happened to me and all the drama behind it? I really wish someone good will enter my life and not someone who had made my life so miserable! I just want to be happy and have a happy life with a happy family, with a reliable and responsible man who will not cheat and not be self-centred, and not one who thinks he is always right and blames whatever happened on others, is that really too much to ask?

Growing Pangs (In Reverse)

My youngest brother came back for a surprise visit last night. I was on my way home after the talk when someone at home called me. The moment I heard his voice, I was shocked! Apparently, since everyone from overseas is coming back and we are having a family portrait taken of everyone tomorrow, my mum packed him back as a gift for my grandma, and a surprise for everyone.

I am happy to have him back of course, as it will be another few months before I get to see him again, so why am I feeling down? Maybe because of how he is being treated? He is like the little emperor, everyone gives allowance to him, especially me, because he is the youngest. So why am I always the one who has to give allowance, what makes others think I do not wish to be given allowance? Just because I am the eldest I have to be the one always giving in?

The thing is, when I was younger, I could still throw tantrums, my mum would just ignore me or tell me off not to be too wilful. But now that I am this age, it will seem too petty and childish if I get bitter and throw a tantrum, but it does not mean I am any happier to see the blatant biasness and favouritism being shown. Yeah, people always say he is the youngest, he is still young, give in, give in.

But the fact is he is no longer young. At least he is not a little kid anymore. He is already an adult. My parents sponsored him overseas to study and willingly gave him a supplementary credit card to use as his disposal while overseas. My mum refused to send me overseas to study if I could not get a scholarship. I had to get a sponsorship for my own tertiary studies, then gave tuition and worked every vacation so as to earn enough for living expenses, as my parents never gave me enough pocket money. What my brother is getting is three times more what I was getting then.

Sometimes I wonder is it because he is the youngest, or is it because he is a boy? Is it because I am the eldest or is it because I am a girl? I cannot even whine or show any envy as it will make me seem as if I do not care about my brother or that I begrudge whatever my parents have given him and not me. Sometimes I do begrudge, I do wonder why I am the one being treated differently, but as I said, as the years go on and one is supposed to be a mature adult, any tantrum will be unbefitting of someone my age.

Oh well... it is not that I do not love my family, but if things have been different, if I had been treated the same way as my brother is being treated now, perhaps things will have been different for me. I would have gone places because I have the full support of my parents and people who love and care for me. Then I would not have faced so much struggles and difficulties in my life and would have long been successful in career and even love.

Just What Have I Been Doing Wrong?!

Ever since 2002 when I went to Sydney to attend my cousin’s wedding, a cousin from my maternal side has gotten married every year. The cousins on my paternal side are all much older than me, so they have gotten married years ago. Recently I heard that at the end of this year, another cousin is getting married. She a high-flier in a global investment company, from gifted education, has a Masters degree from Harvard University. Definitely she is smarter, more capable, from a much wealthier and established background, and definitely more sassy than me.

My other cousin’s Sydney's boyfriend is also looking around for homes in both Sydney and here. So I guess it will be another couple with impending wedding bells. I also heard that even my most flamboyant male cousin, who has sworn to be single, is also now happily attached. Which means every one around my age range and younger is either attached or going to be married.

My cousins, especially the female ones, are all so much more educated, capable, smarter and talented than me. If men told me they get threatened by me because they think I am too capable, assertive and smart (which I am definitely not), then what about my cousins? They are all better than me in every aspect, so how come they are able to get attached and men do not get threatened by them?

I am not begrudging them. I am very happy for them. Truly happy. But it leaves me as the only female cousin left who is still unattached on both my paternal and maternal side. Why is it I can never have a smooth-sailing love life? The men I have met were either two-timing cheats, self-centred mummies' boys, egotistical male chauvinists, picky and calculative wimps. Even the better quality decent nice guys only take me as just a friend. Just exactly what have I been doing wrong? I really cannot fathom it!

Verge Of (Another) Breakdown?

My mood has been down for a long time now. It is rather unusual, even for me. I have not been in a good mood for more than a month now. I still feel internally conflicted, sappy, depressed. I start crying over shows and music. That is odd, considering I have been relatively calm and "devoid of emotions" for quite a while now.

I tried numbing myself by reading, indulging in the new discs I bought, listening to music. I shut my mind away from romance novels, and started reading Dan Brown for the suspense and excitement in breaking the crytographer's code, but when the antagonist died, I cried. I should rejoice, yet I cried. Dan Brown is not exactly the kind of books that make one cry.

Then I wanted to watch discs, so I shut my mind to all the romance, romantic comedies and whatever that would make me cry, and started on action. Bourne trilogy, Batman and Dark Knight. Yet I still cried. These are not the kind of shows that people cry over, unlike "The Notebook" or "Titanic". But for some reason I just cried.

And I started listening to music. I shut my mind to all the CDs which I wanted to listen to (again), and just tuned to Power 98. Yet even those songs made me feel down. Power 98 is not the kind of station that plays sentimental and oldies, not like Class 95 or Gold 90.5. So I have no idea why I would feel down.

Something is seriously wrong with me. It is not as if I have been through any form of drama lately. As far as I have been explicit, my life has been pretty normal. It has been pretty normal for more than two years now. Maybe that is the problem - too normal, that it has become boring? That I feel empty, hence all the depression? I have to get my act back together before I suffer another massive breakdown!

Random Rantings

"There is a guy in front of me, who loves me and willing to marry me. There is a guy who can never be mine, someone I can never get, yet he, I want to give my whole heart to." ~ Dr Kate Foster (Sandra Bullock) from "The Lake House".

And such is life, is it not? Since when is life ever so perfect? Often the one you really want to be with is someone that you can never be with, yet the one who wants to be with you, you have no feelings for him. This has happened to almost everyone, even to me. At times I really wonder, why do I keep falling for the wrong person, yet the right person never comes along?

For some reason, I am feeling really moody. I should be happy actually, because in terms of career, I am going places. My supervisor is off on his honeymoon and will not be back until the end of the month. Just before he left, we were told there are going to be major transactions until the end of the year. There will be massive corporate restructuring, mergers and acquisitions, re-branding and integration. Thus, it will be a busy time, so if we are able to achieve all these by the end of the year, we are probably going to have fat bonuses.

The thing is, I am still in the midst of adjusting. And now that he is away, it is up to me to know what to do, what is going on, how to go about doing things. It is a big challenge, and I am feeling nervous, but I just have to grit my teeth and achieve that! What is it I have not done before? In my previous company, I was running the whole department on my own for a period of time too!

But then again, much as I care about my career, it is not the number one to me. I have no qualms giving up my career for my family if need be. So why do I keep getting happier and better on something which is second place to me (not that I do not welcome it), yet the thing that is first place to me, I can never achieve?

I keep being asked to wait. How long more must I wait? Some may label me as desperate, but if I am really desperate, I will not still be so picky. I will have grabbed anyone off the streets. Afterall, in general, men will welcome that. But I am not like that. I am not a loose person, nor someone devoid of values. If I do not like someone, no matter how nice he is to me, I will not accept him because that is being irresponsible on my part and unfair to him.

If I am a man, I will not care so much. I can settle down and father kids even in my fifties. But I am a woman, so things are very different. A woman only has that number of years to bear children. Once past those years, she will biologically be unable to have a child anymore, no matter how much she wants to. This is something men can never understand.

It is perfectly understandable and justifiable why women want to settle down and start a family once they reach a certain age. If the man they are with are not ready, then for their own sake, they should move on and be with someone who is ready and have the same goals. Blame it on the men if they are not able to hold on to the women they love! Why always blame the girl for being fickle and unfaithful?

Just another random raving and ranting. As I said, I have been moody. I am not expecting a fairy tale whatsoever, but as the years go by, and I am not getting any younger, I do wish I can find someone I am willing to carve a future with. I am happy being single, but at the same time, it is so much happier and blissful to have someone to do things together and share my life with. Somehow I feel that there is still something missing in my life, that my life is never complete until I have someone who completes me.

Internally Conflicted ....

"In sooth I know not why I am so sad, you say it wearies you, I say it wearies me." Famous words from Antonio of "Merchant of Venice". I really should start reading Shakespeare all over again, something I have not done for a very long time! Incidentally, I am in the mood for quotations since I will be watching "Much Ado About Nothing" tonight. Wonder how the local production will be like?

In any case, I am internally conflicted. I care deeply about someone, who has been withdrawing and keeping a distance for the past couple of weeks. Part of me wants to just give up and move on, the other part of me cannot bear to let go, because if I am to give up at this time, I will be really heartless, especially since that person has been having problems at work and home.

Advise from well-meaning friends tell me to just move on and get on with my life. I know. I should do that. I should just let go and leave that person alone to sort out the issues. All I can do is to pray and support behind the scenes, without doing anything else. But whenever I try to do that, I start to feel bad, because I miss our time together, I am upset about the sudden withdrawal, and I worry immensely about the problems this person is facing.

Which is why I am internally conflicted. On the surface, I am still bubbly, still happy, still meeting friends and going on with my life, still going for concerts and movies. But internally, I have an unspoken worry and concern which does not help matters, but I still cannot help myself from worrying.

That is what happens when one is such an emotional person! No matter how much stronger I have become, I still cannot change my right brain from controlling all my actions! Despite me telling myself I should just go on with my life and that I deserve better, it is still the same! But I am not going to do anything much save to just live my life as per normal, and then pray that things will fall in place, that if I keep my faith going, miracles will happen.

Handing Over ....

So I went back to the office and briefed the part-timer on what needs to be done, or rather, what else needs to be done. There are lots to hand over, and even then, I did not think I covered all bases. There were simply too many ad hoc things along the way, which people have to discover for themselves.

Thus, this part of my life is over. It is like ending a relationship. When the relationship has turned bad and you no longer know if it is worth holding on to it, it should just be let go of and start anew somewhere else. But the only difference is that, the working environment is not something I am that attached to, thus I can leave without any painful feelings, whereas for a real relationship, you end up crying your heart out when it has to end.

Hopefully my new place will be better in terms of environment. And my new relationship (if and when there is any), will also be the best, one that can last and will be the last.

Tempting Heart

It had been a rather sappy weekend. I have no idea why I was in such a sappy mood. Maybe I was mourning about the love (or lack of) in my life. Whatever it is, besides wanting to be just alone, I started indulging in sappy movies all over again.

Somehow the show "Tempting Heart" came into my mind. I remember crying when I watched that show, all those years ago. If I am not mistaken, that was the first show I watched at the newly renovated Plaza Singapura, before my music lesson which I was still attending then. It was around late 1990s or early 2000. I was still a university student.

That show is edged in my memory because it was one of the few Chinese shows which I cried after watching it. The story is of a love affair which spanned twenty years, on two star-crossed lovers, who on the surface had already moved on with their lives when the love was forced to end, but at the end, she discovered that he still loved her deeply.

What touched me at the end were the photos he took, beautiful scenery photos, photos of the sky, photos in general, which he took when he missed her badly. That was so beautiful, so touching! She cried, and so did I!

Which brought me back to the sappiness. Hmmm.... I must make a decision on certain issues in my life, whether I want to finally stop giving excuses and start leading a new life all over again, or to continue being in an ambiguous state. Decisions, decisions, decisions! As if I do not make enough decisions, that I have to do this again!

Alone, Again .... Naturally

For some reason, I wanted to keep to myself for the weekend. So I started keeping silent on Saturday morning. I did not go online, did not check my mails, did not text anyone, did not go anywhere. Until my friend said she was coming to pick me up to go to her church, otherwise I was kind of a hermit almost the whole of yesterday and today too.

I do not know why I started being distant. Normally I do not "disappear" just like that. By right, I should not say "disappear" since I still replied my friend when he texted me, but somehow I wanted to be left alone, not to interact or socialise with anyone. I guess I needed time to sort out some issues.

I thought I have become emotionally stronger through the years that nothing much really affects me anymore. What is it I have not experienced as a single person? I have failed, numerous times, in various aspects of my life, and still emerged unscathed. So I thought if similar incidents occur again, I would be able to know how to handle them.

I think I am better able to handle certain situations now, but still, I do not relish that kind of ambiguous situation where I do not know what to do, which direction to go. If only there is a sign to show me what to do! Besides praying more lately, confiding in close friends my exact thoughts and feelings with no foregone conclusion, there is nothing else I can do to get rid of this confusion.

Nowadays, each time I prayed, somehow there is a deep voice telling me there is nothing to worry about, that I should just trust and not be so paranoid. I know I am paranoid, worrisome and mistrusting. Maybe it is due to past experiences that I am now afraid of getting hurt and cheated again.

But then again, since that have already happened, what is one more or less, even if the feeling is not good? What is the worst that can happen, besides being pissed and upset? Once I get all the raving, ranting and bitching out of my system, it is back to square one, back to living my life as before, back to enjoying life.

I do not know whether it is God telling me, but after hearing that voice, I feel a sense of peace. And once I stop worrying and start trusting, I feel really peaceful and tranquil. And I find this applies even to interaction with people. I used to bug others and wanted to ensure people still talk to me.

But now I have learnt how to leave others in peace, to give them space, to leave them alone. Sometimes by not doing anything, people appreciate it more than just mere talking. At times when you leave people alone to sort out their own issues, they may come bouncing back sooner than you think.

Humans are very complex creatures. If we keep bugging someone, we may turn him / her off even more. Any friendship, let alone a relationship, has to stand the test of time and trials. If we cannot even withstand trials, then there is no point in cultivating a solid friendship.

Besides, I have more things to worry about. I have friends in worse situations than me. Thus, instead of being so self-focused and moping around, I rather spend the time worrying about others. No matter what, life still goes on. My life does not revolve around one person alone, and neither do I expect people's lives to revolve around me alone.

So I will continue living my life the way it has been the past couple of years, but I will always be on the outside, looking in. And waiting. Always waiting. Waiting to listen, waiting to embrace. Waiting until God finally shows me a proper direction and opens the doors for my prayers to come true.

Mixed Feelings ....

Today is supposed to be my last day in the office, yet I still need to drop by on Monday to tie up loose ends. This week has been a mad rush. I have a handover list to do, contracts to update, documents to draft, as well as farewells to say. Nice colleagues had been buying me lunch almost the whole week.

Ironically, I seem more enthusiastic and motivated to work this week. I stayed late just to finish up my documents. I was much more focused than a few weeks back, and actually did everything meticulously. I managed to get everything out and did a proper handover.

The replacement who came in today is on a part-time basis. She became rather overwhelmed when I gave her the handover list and showed her where everything is, including the safe and the keys to the safe. She was remarking I seem to be doing three people's work all on my own! Yeah, what a pity others always think I am very free!

I sent out email farewells. Already our exernal lawyers whom I have been liaising with and the people at the Phuket office said they are sad and asked me not to go. They said they are used to my promptness, professionalism and efficiency in handling their matters. That really touched me. The people at my office always think I cannot do a thing, yet people who truly matter know how much I have done for them. I am happy that I am not totally unappreciated!

So finally, there comes a time when farewells have to be said. This is the second longest time I have ever stayed in a job, after all the short stints. Not proud to say that, but not a bad feat too! Hopefully I can last much longer in the next job, with a better working environment!

Another Outpour Of Emotions!

No matter how down and depressed I feel, life goes on. At least this is what I have been telling myself. Otherwise I may have to check in for therapy again. Lately I have been losing sleep, worrying about things, depressed about things. I find I have become insanely paranoid, untrusting, insecure, keep thinking of morbid things. In short, I am starting to become my old self again, or part of it.

A close friend just sighed and said I am in trouble. Yes, I know, and if I continue like this, I will only get into deeper trouble. I need to save myself before I lose my sanity again! Never again will I experience going to Hell and back! Once in life is more than enough! No one can ever imagine the emotional roller coaster I was on that period of time! It took a lot for me to get out of the pits, and I have made a promise to myself never to go through that again!

Now what brought that on, you may wonder? From a past lesson (or lessons) learnt, I have realised it is not wise to reveal too much, especially since I have no idea nowadays who have been reading (and skulking around). And since lately I have been feeling emotional again with an outpouring of my innermost feelings, I have to watch what I say, no matter how I like to just pour out everything.

To be honest, I have no idea why I am feeling so emotional lately. I do not even know the exact extent of how I truly feel. Am I upset, insecure, paranoid, worried, stressed, depressed? Or is my brain just going around in circles, trying to mess up everything? So why was I even feeling this way in the first place?

My left brain keeps telling me there is nothing to worry about. But my right brain cannot help sending all kinds of paranoia into the rest of my mind and body, making me ultra sensitive, breaking down my defences, essentially making me a mess again. Just when I thought I have been living in peace and happiness all these while, something must trigger me off and make me so emotional again! I am glad I can still feel, but not glad when I lose focus at everything again!

A Tiring And Hectic Week

It had been one hectic week! I had to bring work home last Thursday for the long weekend. It was not simple data entry, but proof reading of four documents of about eighty pages each. And I had to proof read and tally against the original version, and the latest version before those at hand. Which is a rather mean feat.

Then I went for the CATS Musical on Friday night, with dinner at Tony Roma’s before that. Since my friend treated me to the musical, I treated him to dinner. On Saturday, I met up with a girl friend and we went for lunch at Mezza9 at the Grand Hyatt, then to watch “Wolverine”. Now Hugh Jackman is one sex pot! The most memorable scene is when he was naked! ;-p A

After that we went to the Coffee Club for tea and hot chocolate, then shopped for a while before going off. I started rushing the documents on Thursday night after I got back, but to read through every single paragraph, line and word, it was no easy feat! I claimed my unpaid leave on Monday, and stayed home to rush out the documents.

Tuesday we made final changes and I managed to submit them before the end of the day on Tuesday. Then I met my friend for dinner and cell group. Yesterday (Wednesday) was a really bad day. Problems at work, problems emotionally, in short, whatever that could go wrong went wrong.

It was very bad in the morning before lunch. As if it was not enough, when I went out for lunch, I tripped and fell and grazed my knee. And I had to battle with some people the rest of the afternoon. I thought I could have a good night sleep, but ended up working late, and did not wish to squeeze on the bus, so took a cab back. Yeah, another extravagant indulgence! But I was too shagged to even care!

Then I thought of updating this blog, but was so brain dead that I could not even think of what to write, or how to write! I ended up chatting with friends online, listened to their ups and downs and updates. I think I seriously need prayers, lots and lots and lots of prayers, as I may just crumble and break down soon!