Amour ...

Today I watched two movies, "Won't Back Down" and "Amour". Amour is a French show, literally translated to "Love". It is a story of an elderly couple who have been married fifty years. They only have each other to fall back on since their only daughter is living overseas with her family, and only drops by to visit them once in a while.

 

When the wife suffered a stroke which left her paralysed, the husband took care of her, carrying her into her wheelchair, bringing her to the bathroom, bathing her, washing her, doing all the household chores. When she could no longer function normally and started wetting the bed, he engaged a nurse to take care of his wife, but the nurse was not gentle and he fired her for bullying a defenseless patient.

 

The whole show is on how he took care of his wife, even when his own health was failing and he could hardly walk properly anymore. The wife became totally bed-ridden and delusional, and she even lost sense of her own speech and was rambling on all the time. The husband did everything he could to comfort her whenever she went into any of her fits, by massaging her, telling her stories and giving her back her memories.

 

One day, he could take it no longer. After comforting her and calming her down, he took a pillow to smother her and she died. He then dressed her up and mourned her. Shortly after that, he died in his sleep too.

 

This is a really touching show beacuse it shows true love and commitment between a married couple. How often do people forget that a marriage last forever, and it is really for better for worse, in sickness and in death, in good health and bad, for richer and poorer, till death do them part? Chances are most people will run away at the first sign of trouble. I have heard people tell me that they have an agreement with their other halves, that if either of them fails in health, the one who is sick would just go to a nursing home, divorce and let the other half go on with his or her own life so they would not be a burden to the other.

 

But if you love each other, would it then really be a burden? Does marriage work that way, that if you become a burden, you just leave the person? Is marriage not supposed to be a full commitment, which means even if the other person is sickly and frail, you stay by the side and take care of the other person instead of leaving?

 

Of course, if both are sick at the same time, then that is a different story altogether. If I ever get married and my husband becomes bedridden for whatever reason, I would be the one taking care of him, no questions asked. Simply because he is the man I married, and it is my duty, obligation and perogative to be there for him when he needs. Similarly, I hope whoever I marry will think and feel the same way about me too when the time comes.

 

This movie reminds me of someone I know, who married his wife despite knowing she is sick, and after so many years and in and out of hospitals, he is still there by her side, taking care of her, loving her, comforting her, being with her. And it is still on-going as his wife still needs treatment, and he is still by her side, taking care of her. They have no children of their own because of her condition, but he accepts it and accepts her wholeheartedly. Whenever I hear of this, it really brings tears to my eyes, to see a man so committed and good, beacuse this is indeed love.

 

On the other hand, many men I know claim they love a girl and want to be with her, yet drop her the moment they find something a tad wrong with her, like she may be infertile, or quirky or chirpy or too outspoken for his liking. And here, I have a real life example of a man who marries his wife despite knowing how she is like and that he will never have a normal future with her but still went ahead.

 

It kind of changes one's perspectives, is it not? What is love then? Love is not being lovey dovey and sticky to each other. Love does not mean writing letters and declaring your love. Love does not mean being physically intimate. Love is much more than that. It is accepting the other person, warts and all, and being with the other person through thick and thin, no matter how the person may be and what the outcome may be, and at the end of the day, you are still with the person despite everything. That, to me, is true love. It is shown in the actions you do and not what you say.

A Mixed Wedding

During the weekend, I attended the wedding of two fellow cathechists, who met each other in cathechism. They were in the same class so met each other's eyes. By this, I mean the two of them were conducting the same cathechism session to the kids, not the two kids getting married. It was a journey of slightly more than two years, and the proposal was about one and a half years after they got together.

 

Why is this a mixed wedding? The groom is local Chinese, the bride is Filippina. She came here to work as a single lady, and the year she decided to serve the church and conduct cathechism, it was the year she met her husband. How lucky!

 

Even though this is a mixed couple, the wedding is very Chinese style. As in there is still the tea ceremony, the traditional banquet, and then of course the full church wedding mass since both families are catholics. The church wedding was held at the very church I was baptised and confirmed in, and the bride looked so beautiful and regal walking down the long aisle of the church. Incidentally, this is also the church I always thought I want to marry in.

 

The church and high tea reception was on Saturday, and dinner banquet was yesterday. During the banquet, the bride and groom had fun with the speeches, and their family members performed for them and made speeches too. The bride even threw a surprise birthday party for the groom as his birthday is approaching. The groom's parents even praised the bride and said how honoured they were to have her joining their family.

 

I do not know about others, but I always love attending weddings. I know many singles may not feel the way I do, because whenever they receive a wedding invitation, they will get depressed and think about their own status. Hence many singles prefer not to accept the invitation to attend a wedding, especially since they will be going on their own.

 

But to me, I feel the wedding is for the bride and groom, and not on myself. Afterall, when people share their joy with you, the last thing you should do is to focus on yourself, is it not? Which is why I do not understand why people make a wedding invitation into some fiasco where they must cater the kind of food, go according to the kind of timing, and send according to the kind of invitation other people want, and not what the bride and groom wants.

 

I have a friend who told me, he will not accept any email or facebook invitations for a wedding. He says if people are sincere enough to invite him, they will have to call him personally. I told him that is not feasible, because if the couple is going to invite three hundred guests, are they able to call all three hundred guests? He is rather adamant on his stand, he says email and facebook invitations are so impersonal, if the couple really wants to invite him, then why can they not show their sincerity by calling him?

 

Personally, I feel if the couple even think about inviting me to share the happiest day of their lives and the start of the rest of their lives, I will be so honoured! Does the mode of invitation really matter? It is the couple's choice after all, who is anyone to dictate how and why the couple should or should not send out their invitations?

 

The same friend also said, he would not bother turning up early to a wedding dinner. He would only leave his house at eight and reach the venue around nine. He says after all the wedding reception would not start early anyway.

 

Well.. it is people like these who spoil the couple's joy! Wedding receptions do start on time nowadays, especially for those I have attended in recent years. The banquet manager will shoo us into the ballroom five minutes before the stipulated time, and the bridal couple would then start marching in right on time, or the most five to ten minutes later. Gone are those days where the wedding reception start an hour later than what is stated.

 

Anyway back to why I love going for weddings, because I can see the intense love the couple has for each other. Somehow, every wedding I attended, I find the couple so right for each other. Do not ask me how I know, I can tell. There has been no wedding I attended where the bride and groom look unhappy, except for one, and that ended in divorce. In all the other weddings I attended, I can see how much the groom loves the bride and that he is willing to do everything for her because he really wants to marry her and take care of her.

 

Is that not just beautiful? To be able to find a man who loves you enough to marry you and take care of you. I always hear of people saying this guy is so honoured and lucky to be with this girl, but actually all I want is someone I feel really honoured and lucky to be with, whose family loves and treats me like their own, and who is willing to love me enough to marry me and take care of me and my family, and not end up in false hopes and promises. Of course, I, in turn, will do the same for him and his family.

 

So all I am trying to say is, it is indeed a real blessing to be able to find someone like that to be with. Not everyone is so lucky. For those who are lucky, treasure your other halves, and tell each other how much you love each other everyday. Trouble occurs when you start taking each other for granted, but little words of affirmation, little hugs and kisses everyday do make wonders and do not require much effort.

End Of The Pretty Vampire Saga

I just went to watch the last instalment of the Twilight series for the second time. The ending is a good conclusion to the whole series, and somehow I felt a sense of pity after finishing the show, because that is the end. It was just like Harry Potter, where I had to wait ten years for the ending.

 

I read the book series when the first movie came out. Within one week, I finished all four books. It is a good story on its own, although if I was say fifteen years younger, I would appreciate it more and go so starry eyed and dreaming of my own true love in the form of a good-looking, rich and romantic guy. Alas, reality strikes and now that I am this age, I have gotten more cynical.

 

I guess the story is so appealing because it is a deviation from the norm. Afterall, vampires are supposed to be like Dracula - evil, blood-sucker, kidnap maidens and gain more power. They are supposed to have no reflection, stay out of the sun, sleep in coffins, have pointed teeth and no red eyes. Vampires will be killed using a cross, stabbing through the heart and scared off by garlic.

 

Stephenie Meyer made vampires look so glamourous - pale skin, dark hair, red eyes, no pointy teeth, mirror reflections, no need to sleep and able to glow in the sun instead of burning. They do not eat, not scared by garlic, and nothing can kill them save for beheading. Somehow that reminds me of the immortal Highlander.

 

For people who are die hard vampire fans, these do not bode well for them as they believe in the traditional vampires. Hence, this would be a screwed up version of vampires. But this story, besides vampires taking the central stage, is essentially a love story. Shorn of the vampire and human status, it shows how true love prevails, how the guy would do anything to protect the girl he loves, how a man will put his family first at all cost.

 

And that is why it is so popular, especially amongst ladies. Every lady, no matter what age, deep down, she yearns for a man like that, someone who loves her and protects her, who cares for his family and someone who can withstand thick and thin for her. Which is why I felt it was a pity that the series ended.

 

Oh well.. I can always re read the books and start indulging in my own fantasies again!

Is There A Price Tag On Love?

I was reading Violet's latest article on her blog, and her Facebook page, and that particular article generated some heated discussion online. The reason is because one of the ladies said that her criteria for finding a guy is that he must earn a minimum of S$6,000.00 a month, which got slammed by the guys, but supported by the ladies.

 

Men said she is materialistic and a gold-digger. Some men even said if she wants the guy to earn a certain amount, then she herself should also earn that amount. Some men said if she wants a guy to earn a certain amount, then she must be pretty and gorgeous in the first place to be able to match with that kind of guy.

 

Whereas most women said that it is not an unreasonable request. The living expenses here are such that the median income for minimal expenses (normal public housing, small car, raising two kids, household expenses, transport, etc) is about S$6,500.00. Hence, women said asking for a mininum of S$6,000.00 is not unreasonable, in fact, it is already the bare minimum.

 

I guess the median income of S$6,500.00 is realistic because housing loans itself can kill you. Where in the world can you find a small public flat with two to three bedrooms that cost a minimum of S$300,000.00, and that is already in a very inconvenient area without any facilities and amenities? If you live near a train station with facilities like food centre, grocery shop, etc, then the price can be even S$500,000.00 or thereabouts. With that kind of price, I can own a mansion overseas!

 

Honestly, even after working for so long, whatever I have saved up is not even enough to get a small flat! Most people have to take loans as even with dual-incomes, their combined incomes are still not enough to get a normal flat! And depending in your age and tenure, the loan can be twenty to thirty years, with at least S$2,000.00 being paid back every month!

 

That is just for housing loan. What about if one has kids and feel it is more convenient to get a car to drive the children around? Where in the world can you find cars, even a small Suzuki Swift wihch is like the cheapest car here, that cost S$70,000.00 minimum for a new car? And that is not including the certificate of entitlement which one has to bid for, in order to even own a car. And that can cost around the same price as the cost of the whole car at a bare minimum, unless one happens to be lucky to get the bidding at a very low rate, which does not happen often. So it is another S$140,000.00 into the car, with car loans adding to another at least S$1,000.00 every month. With that kind of price, I can drive a sports car overseas!

 

That is not including household expenses like water and electricity, food, entertainment, upbringing of kids, sending them to pre-schools (pre-schools can cost around S$800.00 every month even with subsidy). So one does the mathematics and see how much a normal household needs as a bare minimum.

 

Having said that, I never believed in having a price tag to love. I have never asked that the guy I am with must earn a certain amount. In fact, as far as I remember, I have never dated anyone of that "price range", nor have I dated anyone who even earns more than me. I never question what the guy's income is too unless we are of a serious stage of commitment. Nor do I state what kind of jobs he must be in.

 

Unless the guy is a doctor, lawyer, banker or director of some company, chances are he will never be able to reach the minimum S$6,000.00 a month. And how many doctors, lawyers, directors and bankers can one find? Even if can find, they may either be married, or gay, or non-committal. Honestly, I have not even sniffed that amount even after working for so long. My income is way below that. Most of us are normal workers with average incomes. So is the nature of the job or the income really the be all and end all of considering a lifelong partner?

 

I just want someone I can get along with. I do not need a guy to give me a luxurious life, nor bring me to the ends of the earth, nor bring me fine dining all the time. I am also working, I also have my own keep, so why should I need a man to bring me to do all these things, when I am more than capable of doing all these on my own?

 

I just want someone who can be in partnership with me and we are each other's mutual support, who can work together to create a good life for both of us. That is why I never question a guy's income, because if I like him, there must be something that attracted him to me in the first place, and not because of how much net worth he has.

 

If one base a relationship on net worth, then is the person really committed to the guy or to the money? Does it mean to say if the guy no longer has the capability to earn that much, or if he ever goes bankrupt, or lose his job and has to take something lower, she will leave him for someone richer?

 

When has love started to become so calculative? True love should never be calculative. To me, a real committed relationship is when both get together, know what they are in for, and then work out all problems along the way together. It is really for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do them part.

 

If a woman manages to find someone who earns a lot to give her a luxurious life, then she is very lucky. Not everyone is so lucky. Most of us work together with our partners, contribute together, and carve out a better lives for ourselves and our families. If someone is to put a price tag on love, then would the person not be losing out on someone who may be right, even if the person does not come in the exact "package" she wants?

 

Imagine you find a guy who earns S$10,000.00. Yet he is so controlling, wants everything done his way, never respects his wife, puts such a tight rein on his finances and refuses to contribute more, and yet still expects the wife to contribute more and puts her down when she does not earn as much as he likes.

 

Then imagine another guy who earns say S$4,000.00. But he gives whatever he can to his family, never asking his wife to contribute, and he respects his wife and loves his family. His family's welfare and happiness is everything to him.

 

Which guy would a woman prefer? Many would say the first guy, simply because he earns more. But does that mean a guy with more earning power entitles him to be a jerk? Personally, I would prefer the second guy.

 

I always feel even if you find someone who is richer, he may not necessarily give you happiness. Likewise, someone who may not be that rich, you may actually be happy with the person. The problem is most people nowadays, they want to put a price tag to love, and once the person does not meet up in terms of net worth, he is dropped without even getting a chance.

 

No wonder there are so many singles out there because people are not able to see beyond the price tag and see the person for who he or she is. And that is a sad thing indeed, as they may probably find themselves lonely for the rest of their lives, with so much money but no one to share with.

A Year And A Half

Yesterday was his birthday, and the day before was our year and a half anniversary, so today we went to this beachside shack that he has always loved for dinner.

The place is pretty cosy. We were supposedly given the "best" table of the restaurant. However, I do not think our table is that good because even though the table supposedly had sea view, the trees around us were blocking us from seeing anything. Besides it was at night, so all I could see was darkness and shadows of trees, even though the sea breeze was pretty nice!

We had a communal set for two, and I had already said it was a birthday celebration, there was also alcohol and a mini dessert cake. However, the food itself was not that great, and for such food and view, the price was pretty expensive indeed. Check this out for a more detailed review.

But anyway, what matters is the ambience and the company. As long as he is happy and loves it, that is all that matters. Happy birthday, darling, and happy "anniversary"! Looking forward to more celebrations with you!

Asking For My Hand

Something wonderful happened at dinner tonight! We were sitting down for dinner with my parents, when my dear suddenly asked my parents if he can plan a future with me! I was so shocked that my jaw literally dropped, because he has not asked me, nor given any indication of anything!

My parents were so happy that they gave their blessings immediately! I cannot believe this is happening, after all the failures and fiascos and false alarms, this is really happening! I kept pinching myself to see if I was dreaming, but I was not! Yes, this is really really happening!

I am on cloud nine now and very soon, I can have my dream of being part of a whole and having my own family. I really really love him so much!

P/S. There is no ring yet though, because although my parents have agreed, he has no asked me officially yet, hence I have not given my consent. Although I believe we should be able to start planning something very soon!

Cups For Couples?

We were wandering around in a shopping mall when I came across these cups. The red one has a "I Love U" and a red heart on both cups, except the handles are on different sides.

The pink ones have a "Romeo" on one and "Juliet" on the other. I found them so cute that I could hardly resist them! The best thing is that, it is only S$10.00 for two pairs since the cups were going for a discount! So I bought both pairs together since I could not decide which one I wanted.

Now I have two - one of each, one to put in my office and the other to put at home. He has the same too, except the other side. Two sides make a whole and that is what we are - one whole of two halves!

What Is A Perfect Couple?

I always admire those "perfect couples" around. Of course, perfect couples do not mean that their lives are perfect. Life is always full of ups and downs, happiness and sadness, quarrels and make ups. A perfect couple simply means someone of a "fairytale" romance, who loves each other deeply and work things out despite facing all the ups and downs.

I have come across a few "perfect couples" in my lifetime so far. One is my elder cousin. Hers was not exactly "love at first sight" or the "fairytale romance". She met the guy who would be her future husband at a dance class whom she brought some of her female friends along. Coincidentally he brought some of his male friends along for the dance class. One of the girls know one of the guys so the whole group went out together, had fun, group chatted and essentially just hung out.

Then cupid struck. Since then they have been inseparable. He would accompany her wherever she went, went to her place to mingle and help out her parents, went to my grandmother's place and mingled with my extended relatives, spend every Christmas, New Year and public holidays with her, and essentially was so into her. He would bring us cousins out as and when and is like an elder brother to me.

It is not as if he has lots of time to spare, he has a full time job too, yet he spent all his time with her. I used to think this is the kind of guy I would like - someone so into me that he really makes me feel so loved all over and so well taken care of.

Then my younger cousin who is recently married. She least expected to be with someone who was not even from the same country, much less he. But a chance meeting led them to know each other, and since then they were also inseparable, shuttling between here and down under ever so often.

This made me feel ashamed of my own fellow man. I have heard of relationships who break up simply because one went on a month's business trip or the person need to travel often for work. Or relationships who break up simply because they guy found the girl too "demanding". Or they did not like each other's family members.

Why did the guy never once thought he was demanding? We have people who do not see each other for weeks and months on end, yet still could end up getting married and being so in love with each other. How can little things like "I don't like this movie but you like so we are not compatible", or "I cannot take you travelling so often", or "I don't like your parents" even be an issue to anyone?

I cannot profess that I am in the perfect relationship myself. We definitely did not start off as a fairy tale. In fact I did not want to have anything to do with him in the beginning. Even now, I would not say he is that into me, as in yes, he accompanies me, willing to mingle with my family members, nice to me, but he is not the initiative or proactive type. He is the super laid-back kind of guy, so much so that he never bothers actually taking action to do anything on his own initiative. Many a times, I have to tell him what to do before he knows what he needs to do.

And his parents. They are really getting on my nerves with their emotional blackmails and their unreasonable behaviours. But still, being in a relationship is not about loving the perfection of the person and family, but being able to bear the imperfection. So just give and take and tolerate.

A perfect couple is what the couple makes of it. No one is that lucky to be in such a perfect relationship, but it is how we make out of it. We cannot have what we want all the time, but we can make the most of what God gave us, and work things out amongst ourselves.

First Valentine's Day Celebration ...

Tonight was our first Valentine's Day celebration! Technically, it was our second Valentine's Day, but since last year Valentine's Day fell on the first day of the Lunar New Year, this was our first celebration.

He brought me to the same restaurant where we had our first date - a classy French restaurant happened to own by his friend, situated at the Indoor Stadium. Coincidentally, we sat at exactly the same spot too! (For a review of the food, please refer here.)

Today was crowded and noisy because Eric Clapton happened to be having his concert at the Indoor Stadium upstairs. We ordered the set which consisted of soup, main course and dessert. I ordered french onion soup (what else?!), a beouf burgignon and vanilla peach tart and he mushroom soup, a lamb shank and creme brulee (which came in three different flavours).

The best part is that, whilst other places jacked up their prices on this day, the price for this place remained constant. We did not even have to pay any extra and there was no special Valentine's Day menu. Overall, it was worth it! Food was secondary as compared to the ambience of love and great company!

Oh, and the gifts? These came to me in my office and I love them! Darling, I love you too!

The Paths Of Lovers ...

I always thought my "soul sister" and I are very similar. Now even our boyfriends are similar - both the same age, born in the same quarter, about the same height and both are crazy over swords and swordfights. No wonder I always feel a kindred spirit with her.

But anyway this is not just about me and her. It is about me and him (my dear that is). I know he and I are similar in certain ways - both quirky and crazy, both care about the same things in life, both like to do the same things in life.

But definitely we are very different when it comes to temperament and planning things - I am the kind who wants to get things done in the shortest time possible and plan everything to the last detail so I can get over and done with and ensure everything go smoothly, whereas he is so laid back that even with some pushing, he cannot seem to get things done. Or is that just a typical trait of men?

At times I wonder, if we have not met, what will happen to me now? Probably still single and enjoying life but mourning over my singlehood at the same time. Which was a big irony because I really did not want to know him the first time I met him. He did not fit into my kind of "ideal guy". There were more negative impressions than positive ones. Yet now I really cannot foresee myself being with anyone else. Despite all his irritating ways, he is just so perfect for me.

Even though I only met him two and half years back, our paths have probably crossed a long time ago. When I was very young, I used to stay with my aunt's family at this block of flats near the beach. He used to stay in the same area too, just a few blocks away. We probably played in the same playground in between the blocks of flats.

We went to the same clinic and frequented the same book store since they were both in the same area as my aunt's place. I studied in a convent in front of my aunt's place and he studied in the boys' school opposite. We hung out in the same shopping mall during our study years.

We even attended the same church when young, and now we both switch to another church (before we knew each other) and are attending the same church in our adulthood. We both love the same stretch of beach which we grew up on.

What is most amazing is that a period of time when I took up taekwondo classes in my younger years, he was actually in the same class! And we did not know until now!

We have also been living around the same area for most of our lives. We also used to go to the same photo studio in the same neighbourhood to develop films or take photos. Hence, even though he is four years older, our paths could have likely crossed without us even knowing!

A mighty big coincidence, is it not? I wonder is it due to the hand of God? Somehow He could have let us come across each other without us even knowing and now let us meet each other without even deliberately seeking each other out.

At times I wonder, what if we have met each other earlier? Would we still have been together? Thinking back, if I had met him earlier, it would never have worked out between us. God really knows the right time for us to meet because if it had been any earlier, both of us would have been in a messed up stage and probably would not have bothered to keep in touch.

He let us meet after I have experienced certain things in life and am more emotionally stable to be able to handle a relationship, especially one with upheavals due to different race, culture, upbringing and temperaments.

He let us meet after he has experienced certain things in life too and am more able to keep things going despite my temperament as anyone who is less emotionally stable will never have been able to handle it.

Maybe it is the hand of God or just the work of fate, but whatever it is, I am truly glad we met each other at the time we did.

God really knows, is it not? He gives the right time and chance to everyone. Just like if my "soul sister" did not apply for a certain job, she would never have met the love of her life too. And this came shortly after someone else went out of her life.

So with the new year, I wish both of us and both of them to be even stronger in our love!

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Celebrations On The Eve

It has been a wonderful Christmas Eve so far. We had an office party today for Christmas lunch. My office had an open house where parents could bring their kids in and the kids were having a blast going around wishing everyone Merry Christmas and distributing candy. I got another gift from my colleague - an orange-flavoured Body Butter, which I feel bad about because I have not prepared many gifts this year.

Then my dear specially ordered a log cake and brought it to my place. My mum asked him to choose three gifts for himself - a Christmas cake, a basket of honey-baked ham, and a bottle of wine.

I thought he would choose the ham because firstly, it is his favourite, and secondly, what is Christmas without honey-baked ham? Besides it is expensive and not sold any other time of the year. So anyone would have chosen the ham because it is such a rare opportunity one can get the ham for free. (Although if it is me, I would have chosen the cake instead because it is more likely the cake would be utilized than the ham.)

So I was expecting him to choose the ham but he chose the bottle of wine instead, and my mum packaged a bottle of Brown Brothers' Cienna (what else?) for him.

When I queried him, he said yes, anyone else would have chosen the ham, but he felt he should leave the best things for us hence chose the wine instead as it is the lower cost between the two.

I could not help grinning from ear to ear when I heard that as I was just so happy inside!

We will be attending mass then going to his aunt's place for a Christmas celebration later on. I am in such a good mood now that I am just so looking forward to the Christmas weekend!

Have a happy Christmas, everyone!

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Happy Anniversary My Sweet Love!

Happy Anniversary my sweet love!
For you, I thank the lord above

You are my hope, inspiration & love
Words can’t explain how much I love you
Word’s can’t explain how much I care
& the only thing I can tell you
Is that I love you

The many memories that we share together
Means so much to me
And in the years to come

I look forward in sharing my life and more loving memories with you

Whenever I look into your eyes
I can see how beautiful the world is
Because with your ever radiating growing love
I cannot help myself to love you more & more each day

Nothing in this world can ever be so more important than you
Thank you for being with me
Just knowing that you are my darling

Makes my days ever so bright
Happy Anniversary my Sweet Love!

Being Intimate In Every Sense

For Catholics, there is not supposed to be pre-marital sex. Personally I do think no matter what religion, it is better not to indulge in pre-marital sex. But face it, how many people actually adhere to this? I am not referring to this who blatantly sleep around with just anyone, but for people who are already adults and gone through at least a couple of relationships. I am sure there would be quite a bit of "rolling around in the haystacks".

Having said that, I am still a strong advocate of not having pre-marital sex. It is worth the wait and knowing your partner respects you fully instead of viewing you in a lewd manner is a pretty good feeling.

There are many forms of intimacy. Normally when people talk about "intimacy", most will co-relate that with sex. But intimacy is a wide term. It can range anything from hand-holding, being loving and affectionate, hugging, cuddling, kissing, and even in non-verbal ways like being soft and loving in the tone of voice and in gestures.

Afterall, I do not think one needs actual sex to show love nor to be convinced that the partner loves you. If someone needs sex to feel love, then I would say this person is very insecure, mighty inconsiderate and disrespectful and definitely barking up the wrong tree. I do not take kindly to men who ask for sex the moment they meet a woman, nor to women who think sex is the only way to keep a man.

Still, one must be aware that people are much less conservative in this day and age. Hence it is their own free will what they want to do. I am not one to judge. I just feel if a couple wants to indulge in sexual intimacy, then it should be with someone they truly love and not just any mere person. Sex itself should not be viewed so casually after all.

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Lessons From The Engaged Encounter

I am feeling so stressed now! I have one more major project to submit this week before the semester is finally done and I can focus on my examinations, but for some reason I have no idea what to do and how to start the project at all. I am already not doing well this semester as compared to the last, hence I really need to be able to score a decent grade in this project.

To kill stress, I decided to look through again the booklet I got from the recent Engaged Encounter weekend. As I have mentioned, what I am really happy about is that both of us are so in sync with each other, despite answering the discussion questions separately. At least this proves that we are just right for each other.

The Engaged Encounter weekend also clears any doubts about the relationship. I must admit that after what I have been through, I get a tad more cynical about men and relationships in general. At the back of my mind, there is still a voice telling me why would he be different from all the other jerks I have come across? Men are all the same essentially. How different can they function?

From my experience and observations, I kind of concluded that men :

1. Care only about themselves. They make the decision and expect the woman to go along, no questions asked, be it in where to eat, what movie to watch, where to go, what to do. The woman cannot protest.

2. Only believe in themselves and always think a woman's opinion will never be good. In other words, even if the man is wrong, he still thinks he is right and the woman cannot speak her mind or disagree with him.

3. Are mummy's boys. Their mother takes first priority (which is good) but they expect the woman they are with to listen to their mothers too. In other words, between the girlfriend and the mother, the man chooses to listen to the mother and do what the mother does and expect the girlfriend to do the same thing without question.

But to me, I always thought in a relationship or marriage, you put each other first. If the man is so stuck on his mum, he may as well not leave her side and find someone and just spend the rest of his life with his mother. There is a difference between showing respect and filial piety and listening to the mother for every little thing.

4. Are inconsiderate and rude creatures. They just grab the remote and channel surf even when the woman is in the middle of watching the television. Yet when the man reaches his favorite channel, he will continue watching it despite the woman wanting to watch another show. He plays games and throws a tantrum when he loses and expects the woman to serve him food while he is playing.

5. Are chavinistic. They expect the women to serve them, do the housework, cook and clean, takes care of the baby while they just laze around without lifting a finger. Yes they had a tired day, but have they ever considered the woman also had a tired day?

6. Are irresponsible cowards. They can say they like you, want to be with you, but in the end can disappear without a trace without caring for how the woman feels. Why can men just not talk things through and reach a consensus instead of leaving the woman hanging? Why do they think running away resolves everything and still put the blame on the woman for not talking through things with him when the woman herself had no idea why the man disappeared in the first place?

As can be seen, I have developed a negative image of men. Hence when I started this relationship, I did not put in my all. When I put in my all in previous relationships, I got badly hurt, so much so that I ever underwent depression, became suicidal and had to seek counselling.

Even though this may not seem fair to the guy in question, I wanted to observe him. I wanted to see if he is any different from the other guys I have met. So when problems started, especially with his parents, I wanted so much to call it quits a few times.

But something told me to hang on to him. Something told me he is the one, despite the number of times I try to convince myself that he is not the one, that I deserve better. Yet upon observation, despite all his irritating ways and quirks, he is a much better man than the others I have come across.

He cares more for me, for instance. He puts up with my quirks and tantrums. He puts my family first and treats my dog as his most precious. He supports and follows me in the activities I want to do. He even watches chick flicks and read chick lit!

He never lets me feel bad or insulted in front of his parents despite their tirade on how a proper woman should behave, ie she must be submissive, demure, endearing, put the guy and his family first, should not be better than the man, should not be too career-minded, should cook and clean. Other men will tell me to just do what his parents say, but not him. He tells his parents he likes me the way I am and he is not about to change me just because I do not fit into their mould of the type they like.

Despite all these, I still had doubts. It has been very hard to convince me to trust another man completely again. But at the Engaged Encounter, all my doubts are cleared. It is as if this couples retreat reaffirm that there is no one else but him. I can never foresee being with anyone else.

And that is the most important lesson I learnt from the whole weekend. Now after looking through the booklet and the certificate, I have been reaffirmed again that there is no one else for me but him.

Incidentally, the certificate which we got from the weekend as proof of our attendance and participation, he wanted it laminated and preserved. When I asked him why, he said it is such an important piece of paper, of course have to take care of it properly. When I remarked that it is not even a marriage certificate, he said if it is the marriage certificate, it will not just be laminated; it will be framed up to last a lifetime.

Now do I need anymore convincing?

The Engaged Encounter Weekend

I am back from a very fruitful and amazing weekend! Sometimes you really have no idea how right your partner is for you until you attend something like this. Initially, I had been apprehensive about what would happen. I thought we may not be on the same page, that when we finally thrashed things out, he may not want to be with me anymore. In the end, my fears were unfounded, because I never realise just how perfect he is for me until now!

Like CHOICE, I had been inspired by the sharings of the presenters. They made me feel that I am not alone in facing issues like these, that whatever I am facing are part and parcel of life, that instead of taking the easy way out and calling the whole thing off, we should instead work things out through honesty and open communication. We should face whatever problems and obstacles along the way instead of sweeping everything under the carpet and escalating.

The weekend had really been very beneficial to me. I never know how wonderful he is! Sometimes, it takes a few days of close proximity with a person to determine if you are able to take each other. And I am glad to say that he has proven to me that I have not made the wrong choice!

So darling, I am yours ... for eternity ... if you are willing to take me.

Attending The Engaged Encounter Weekend

I will be going for the Engaged Encounter for the weekend. I have no idea what is going to transpire. Hopefully by the time we come back from the weekend, things will become better and not the other way round.

Many people will wonder, is this kind of preparation courses really essential? Afterall, in our parents' time, they just got married without anything. They met each other, dated, felt okay and so got married. There was no such thing as long dating years, swearing of undying love or having too many expectations. Yet the older generation were able to stay together much longer than the younger generation now.

With all the sparks and long dating years and being so dramatic over their love, in the end it is the younger generation who could not last a few years in marriage, some a few months even. Why so? Is it because many people nowadays is thinking more of the "I" and not the "we" when it comes to marriage?

I have met people who told me, getting married is just a piece of paper. You live together, have children, but that does not mean you give up what you love to do. Hence the wife still travels on her own, and the husband still plays golf on his own. I am not saying a married couple cannot have time away from each other, but it becomes unhealthy if both are focused on their own lives instead of each other's lives.

For instance, if I love shopping and my partner detest it, what do we do? Do I totally give up shopping just because he refuse to go with me? Well, we compromise. Instead of shopping every weekend, I would only shop half the weekend and he would accompany me for those few hours. Then if he loves golf yet the game bores me to tears, instead of letting him go on his own while I do my own thing, I will accompany him to a golf game. Or we can go to his golf game first and then he accompanies me shopping, and vice versa.

I guess that is how a relationship works. It is not so much of doing your own thing, but adapting to each other's lifestyles and compromising. Unfortunately, for many people, they think that in order to find a partner, they must have someone totally matching, ie someone who shares all their interests and passions.

How is that possible? Everyone is brought up differently so no two person is alike. Even if you can find someone who miraculously like everything you like, does it mean you two are compatible personality wise? Even if the person likes everything you like on the surface, that does not mean both of you will like the same thing at a deeper level.

For instance, let's say both love music. But the genre of music is so large, he may like heavy metal and she may like jazz. Even if both love movies, he may like horror films and she may like romantic comedies. Or they both like travelling and seeing the world, but the mode of travel may be different. She may like a more luxurious kind of travel whereas he prefers a more budget kind of backpacking. So again, all these things are different when you really come down to it.

In any case, a relationship is not about how similar or different both of you are; rather it is on how you celebrate the similarities but appreciate the differences. And I believe that is how to make a relationship work.

I hope I am still on the right track after this weekend!

Lessons From Politicians

After the eulogy to our dear Minister Mentor's wife, I have been thinking through some issues. First of all, he is a great man, with a great wife. This is a model couple for everyone. Those interviewed had only wonderful things to say about her, on how she is always thoughtful, caring and considerate to everyone, on how she is a great friend and a wonderful person.

Their partnership in marriage and career seems so perfect. He met her more than sixty years ago, and was attracted to her because she was smarter than him. He married her because she was more capable. She was the one who edited and proof-read his memoirs and speeches. He was not threatened by the fact that she was more capable than him. In fact, the reason he chose her was because she could be the sole breadwinner for the family while he concentrated on his political career.

I remember the advise he gave, "Marry someone your equal or better, so your children can be better." In a way, it is like passing down good genes. I suppose his sons took that advise, because his daughters-in-law are very smart, capable and powerful women in their own rights. More men should take this advise, instead of being threatened that the woman is better or more powerful than him.

In fact, a capable woman will only benefit a man. Our politicians are good examples. Just like one of our late Presidents. His wife was also smart and capable, but also his companion and his confidante. He was also very upset when his wife passed on, during his last few months of presidency.

These are men who are not only smart, capable and powerful, they are great leaders and mentors whom we can look up to. Yet at the same time, they love their wives and families, and have no qualms showing their love to their wives and families. They epitomise the beauty of marriage, commitment and partnership.

How many of us can be like this? Chances are, we run away in times of trouble. We chose the person we want to marry, yet when things do not turn out well, we blame each other and run away. How many women have been repressed by men because men feel threatened over a capable woman?

When is men ever going to believe that a smart, capable and powerful woman can be a good wife and mother too, yet at the same time balance her career and family? Why do men assume that if a woman is capable, she will lord over him and control him and call the shots?

Marriage is a partnership after all. There is no one who should be "better" than the other. It is how both parties work together to get along, to be each other's best friends, soul mates, confidantes and companions.

We should take a leaf out of our politicians. They run the country, yet at the same time realise that the fundamental root of anybody is to have a happy family. After all, if one cannot manage one's family life, how to run an entire country?

Bookworm Deluxe : Lessons From 15,000 First Dates

It is finally launched! "15,000 First Dates", Violet's inaugural book! In this book, Violet drew on her six-year experience from Lunch Actually on what men want in a woman in order to date her another time.

There are some chapters that are really useful, like "The Dragon Lady". Nowadays, many women are highfliers, and no doubt, they did not get there by being meek and submissive. However, men do not like women to be equally aggressive on a date.

Personally, I have experienced that. There have been people who feedbacked that I sound serious all the time. I am actually very lucky to be able to find my boyfriend who is not put off by my temper, my aggression and my no-nonsense behaviour. If it is any other men, perhaps no one would be able to tolerate me.

Another chapter which I find true is that of first impressions. Men are visual creatures. Actually not just men, women too. I mean, if we meet up with a tall, handsome muscular man who is full of laughter with crinkly eyes with a good dress sense, we will also tend to favour him over another man who is short, balding, with a pot belly and dresses in a loose T-shirt, bermudas and slippers, right? Men function the same way too, but unlike women, men will not give the chance to know the woman once the initial first impression is spoilt.

Another chapter is on managing expectations. One can always say you expect this and that kind of man, and refuses to budge unless the this and that kind of man appear. But as a woman ages, she never realises that her this and that kind of man will then start looking for younger and better-looking women, leaving her with not many choices left. Hence, sometimes changing expectations is a good thing.

For instance, if I kept insisting and holding on to my criteria, I would never have met someone totally special and wonderful, who is so totally unlike who I was looking for, but who turned out to be the best for me.

There is also a chapter on the kinds of men to look out for. Essentially, we would like to marry men who want to get married too, and not a man who leads us on for years and then in the end do not wish to commit. That chapter will touch on what kind of man constitutes the marrying kind and what kind is the non-marrying kind.

This book is a really informative, insightful and true book that not only educates, but jolts women into reality. I know people will wonder why just women? This book focuses on the kind of women men want, so it helps women prepare for and ace dates, behave and how to get into a relationship and settle down.

Violet will be coming up with a new book for men, so that will be later on! The book is out in Kinokuniya and Times, so do go get it before it is sold out!

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365 Days Later ...

Exactly one year and a few days ago, a good friend of mine sent me a certain email. He had become a close friend because we had been talking and confiding in each other, plus getting involved in the same activities and going to church together. We have been helping each other with our problems and have enjoyed hanging out with each other.

Then the email came. In it, the friend confessed how he felt and asked if I felt the same way. Unfortunately, I was busy in a meeting then, and just clicked "ok" without actually knowing what I was saying ok to. Nothing happened the rest of the day and we went home after work as usual.

That was on a Thursday, September 17, in the year 2009. The next day, we met each other for a movie. In the movie theatre, he was suddenly sitting so far away from me! The air-conditioning was at full blast and I was feeling really cold. So I said, "I am cold." And he continued watching the show.

After a while, I said again, "I am cold." Again he continued watching the show. Finally I could take it no longer, and told him, "I am really very cold!" Then he said, "Oh, would you like me to hold on to you?" I did not know whether to laugh or cry. Any other guy, would have taken advantage to just touch or hold me all over without me even saying anything, but he, actually asked if I would like him to hold me! So he then slowly put his arm around me and held on to me.

The next day (Saturday), we went to Novena and then for lunch. All along, he never dared touched me. He was even distancing himself, even though for the past few weeks prior to that, he had been trying to get closer. Finally I could take it no longer, and told him, "You can't be THAT shy, can you?" And then while going down the escalator, he held on to my hand.

The next day (Sunday), we finally had the chance to spend the whole day with each other and seriously talked. And then we agreed that would be the day we officially started. That day was September 20, in the year 2009.

Fast forward to now. Today is our first anniversary. I never dared to hope that I can ever see this day, because I was afraid I would be too outspoken, too fierce, too perfectionist, too demanding, had too high expectations, and he would just throw his hands up in despair and gave up a while later, but here it is! We did meet the one-year mark! Unfortunately, we are not doing anything or going anywhere because it is a work day, and he is due back in camp. :-( Hence, today will just be a normal day, despite being a very special day for me.

Of course, I would so love to see him because today celebrates the first year of us getting together. Despite all my difficult ways and whatnot, he has been unwaveringly by my side. For all the times I threw a tantrum, my quirkiness, my obsessive-compulsion and my pickiness, he always tried to soothe me, comfort me, tolerated me, putting up with me and supported me.

Maybe I have been touched by my cousin's love story, or maybe it is just the aftermath of the entire wedding celebration, but I really want to have a perfect love story. I want to be at the altar in the future where everyone who looks at us, sees how deeply we are in love, how blissful and happy we look, and that it is one union that will last.

I know I am definitely not the perfect person to be with, and it is hard for anyone to put up with me. I had been in relationships before, where even though I was the one who gave more and the guys took me for granted, still, I am never the kind who is happy giving more. I have my own stubborn streak, and if things do not go well or if I do not get appreciated, I will get unhappy.

Which is why I am so grateful for him to be able to put up with me, and withstand all my crankiness. So happy anniversary, darling! Hoping we will have many more days and years ahead!

Going The Distance

Today (yesterday actually), I witnessed one of the most beautiful weddings in my life. Of course, every wedding is beautiful, but this is extra beautiful because of the couple and the background involved.

My cousin has always been the smart, capable and well-behaved girl. She is what one will consider as perfect (or almost perfect) – a staunch Christian, God-fearing, tall, slim and elegant, pretty, smart, intellectual, thirst for wisdom, loves kids, loves her family, capable, family-oriented, takes care of her parents, younger sisters and her grandmother, and goes on mission trips.

She is also gentle, kind, demure, soft-spoken and nice. In short, she is everything a woman yearns to be, and a man wants in a wife. She is definitely someone I am not. She is a top Accountancy graduate from one of the local universities and got a job in one of the big accountancy firms here as a tax auditor. After a few years, she gave up a good career with good prospects and went over to help out in her father’s business.

Who is to know a couple of years later, she would meet her Prince Charming in the most unlikely way – in church, when he was vacationing in Singapore, who whisked her away to Sydney, leaving behind all her family, friends and everyone who loved her?

Because of his job (he is a paediatrician in Sydney), he is not able to leave everything behind to come here. He did try looking for a job here but I guess the terms were not up to his liking because he already has an established base in Sydney. Hence, it makes more sense for her to move down under than for him to move up here.

And so, began a series of shuttling back and forth for her. She would spend a few weeks here, go back down under, spend another couple of months here, go back down under again and so on. Of course, they started out long-distance. She only moved down there when the relationship was getting solid and decided to try out the life there for herself.

We have seen how, in the past couple of years, she shuttled back and forth. He would come as and when he could get away, which is not that often due to his job. We all know how much she loved him, otherwise she would never have given up her family to move down under, when she was still taking a big risk to see if it would work out eventually.

Hence, when they finally got married yesterday, everyone was so happy for her. When they exchanged their vows in their church, both looked like they were going to cry. It was just such a memorable and touching moment! During the dinner at Shangri-La, their wedding speech was just so touching and heartwarming too!

The guy, being handsome, young-looking, smart and established, actually said, “I came here looking for a job, but I didn’t expect to find a wife. I thought she could be a good friend, as I dared not hope for more because to me, how can such a wonderful girl remain single for long? But when I went back home, I kept calling her and then I really fell in love with her. She is God’s greatest gift to me.”

And her speech, “We got to know each other better through walks in Botanic Gardens, dancing at Dempsey, and when he was about to go back, I helped him pack. He would call me everyday when he went back to Sydney. I never thought a long-distance relationship would ever work out, but God has shown me that nothing is impossible, that miracles still exist.”

Is that not such a beautiful speech? This is a couple that is so in love with each other, that they are willing to literally go the distance for each other. Recently, I watched the show “Going The Distance”. I love the movie too because it shows that with true love, anything is possible.

My cousin’s story is so parallel to the movie. The bridal couple looks so blissful and so happy, that anyone seeing them cannot help but be happy for them too! Miracles do exist after all! I wonder if my turn ever comes, what kind of love story can I share with my loved ones?

Everyone has his or her own love story. In the case of my cousin, hers is really a fairytale indeed, with a fairytale ending.