World Wide Web : An Avenue For Porn And Sensation?

Twenty years ago, the greatest invention of that time was the personal computer. Ten years ago, the greatest invention was the internet. The world wide web makes everything so convenient. One can receive and reply mails instantly, without waiting days and weeks for hard copies of letters and documents.

One can chat with several people at the same time, without the hassle of holding a phone and calling each and every one. One can make friends and set up forums for discussions. One can even search for information without needing to go different places for research.

Yes, the internet is convenient indeed. There are millions of resources and information around. Now people can read and write online, instead of the traditional hardcover or paperback or the physical journal.

But because of the convenience of the world wide web, there are bound to be people who take the readily available resource for granted and abuse the convenience. For instance, there are many dating websites around for people to make more friends. There have been people who found their other halves online.

It means they meet each other online, then meet up physically to get to know each other and see if they can develop further. It is not a site for cyber perverts or stalkers who just want some free sex with anyone they can get. It is also not a site for anyone to go in and lie about their particulars and status.

Also, with the vast amount of information so readily available, some sickos have some weird ideas of publishing free porn for all and sundry to see, which explains the amount of porn sites around.

As if it is not enough, the recent headlines on major newspapers around the world is about a certain actor who got some private racy photos published to the public, and immediately, websites all over the world take the opportunity to splash them like entertainment.

In the first place, why must people do something like this? Granted he took the photos for fun, and perhaps they were really meant to be private and not to be disclosed. And it was a silly thing leaving the photos in his laptop when he sent it for repair, because there would always be a chance of someone stumbling upon them.

But when people have stumbled upon the photos, why could they not leave it alone? Those were in his laptop, and his business after all. Is it because he is a celebrity? I believe there are many people who take racy photos for fun, left the photos in their laptops and sent their laptops for repairs, but I do not think the photos will be published if they are of any mere unknown person off the streets.

So does it mean because he is a celebrity, people will then cash in for some quick bucks or attention? Celebrities or not, they are humans after all. They have feelings after all. There will be times they feel embarrassed or ashamed, or down. They have their rights to a private life outside the glamour.

So why could people not leave them alone? Is it not enough that they get scrutinised whatever they do and wherever they go, now they have no right to any privacy even? Honestly, is it such a big deal even if people take racy or nude photos of themselves? It is their own affairs what they get up to.

I am not one to follow the news so closely, but the news have been going on almost everyday, on the radio, television and major newspapers, on the updates of the case. What was a private matter has now become an international sensation. I feel really disgusted by the maliciousness of people.

A Decade Of Dreams And Aspirations

Every ten years, I would look back on the decade and think of what had happened, and compare it to what I envisioned would happen. Of course when I was ten years old, I was still a little girl struggling with her studies.

But I remember the year I turned ten, that was when my youngest brother was born. He was just a couple of months old when he had to be hospitalised. My parents took turns being in the hospital with him, while supervising me with my examinations at the same time.

Looking back, I was really selfish, as I blamed my parents for neglecting me, so deliberately did badly in my studies, and I told my parents it was a test whether they still cared for me. Needless to say they got really hurt and angry.

But then I was a mere ten year old kid. How would I understand the big picture? Luckily I managed to do well enough in my final examinations to go on to the next level.

When I was ten, I started thinking of what I would be doing ten years down the road. Being young and also due to family influence, I thought I would enter secondary school, then junior college, then university.

I thought I would study medicine, then changed my mind to teaching, then journalism then finally law. I thought I would even go overseas to further my studies. After that, I had a rebellious streak and seriously thought of giving up my studies after secondary school as I was under so much stress and unhappiness trying to keep up with my more talented relatives.

The year I was twenty, I started thinking about what had happened in the past decade. I have finished school at least. I screwed up, forfeiting a chance for a scholarship to study overseas. And I was on the verge of failing law school, dashing my dream of becoming a prosecutor.

But I was given a second chance, by majoring in arts and education. I had a failed relationship, but was really happy with the guy who would propose to me later on. Even then, I knew he was the one I wanted to be with, to marry.

I had plans. I thought after graduation, I would work for a year, then get hitched. We would have our first kid by twenty-seven and the last kid by thirty-five. Both of us wanted five kids - three boys and two girls. We even had names for the kids!

I thought by thirty, I would be promoted to a departmental head at least, and started teaching a higher level. Or specialise solely in music education.

But the best laid plans of mice and men often do not flow smoothly. One can have all the plans, positively knowing what one wants and where to go, and what to do, but in the end, a lot of things are beyond our control.

For instance, how would I know I would end up leaving the education sector? How would I know I would go back into the legal field? How would I know I would have a broken engagement? And how would I know I would never be able to find another guy I really want to be with and who really wants to be with me since then?

People always say one must plan for the future. True, one should always plan. But sometimes, one can do all the planning, but in the end the plans may fall through. So is it better to just live each day and take things as it comes, or is it better to plan, but in the end the plans may not be feasible?

Now that it is almost another decade, I want to look back and see how many of my plans have come true. Honestly? None. Well, perhaps one, as in graduate and teach. As for the rest, I am still living each day and taking things as they come.

There are concrete plans of course for the next decade, but these are just goals which I hope to work towards, but no longer will I be so sure my plans will become feasible, unless my life is going somewhere in every aspect.

Like for the next ten years, I hope to be able to get a Masters, and even a PhD if possible. I want to complete a performance certificate in piano, and take up another instrument or two. Career wise, I may stay on for another few years or so, then after my post-graduate studies I want to see if I can go into the journalism line, or even lecture.

I want to be able to find someone to settle down with. If that is possible, I hope to have at least two to three kids (five is impossible now). Once I have kids, I may not want to work full-time. I will probably work part-time like lecturing or tutoring, and teach music, something flexible, so I can dedicate more time and attention to the kids.

But, like the past two decades, whatever I planned for often do not come true in the end. So for now, I just live each day to the fullest and see what the future brings.

Education Subsidy .... Or Not?

Our government has put aside more budget for education subsidies, so when I came across this piece of news, I was really ecstatic! Imagine 40% off my course fees, I will be able to save up much more and not struggle so much. It will be quite a burden off me, and I can let my savings grow more.

However, the catch is that the subsidy is only applicable to those who are upgrading their qualifications to a first degree. Which means most likely I am not able to get it, because I am taking an Honours from a normal degree, whereas there are many who are taking the normal degree from just 'A' levels or diplomas.

Oh well.... just when I thought finally I have an answer to my prayers, on how to pay my entire course fees without too much of a burden! I just have to see how things go, who knows perhaps I may be able to get it after all?

Beyond Love

My parents have booked the Russian trip in April. Since it will still be in the middle of my semester, I am not able to go with them anymore. :-( So they will be touring Moscow and St Petersburg on their own.

However, a New Zealand trip is in the works around the end of the year, for the whole family, as my parents may want a driving tour around both North and South Islands, as well as Christmas with my relatives in Sydney. If this is confirmed, then I can hardly wait!

I really envy my parents, able to get away once in a while on their own. This is what coupledom should be like - spend some time on their own and getting away from the family and kids once in a while.

Come to think of it, I remember even when my brothers and I were still very young, my parents would go out on their own or travel without us. They would then bring us to my maternal grandmother's place for my relatives to take care of us while they were away.

Even though my parents are not the types to show their affections like holding hands or kissing, their bond is stronger than mere physical intimacy. Up to now, after more than thirty years of marriage, whenever my dad is around, he will still drive my mum all over, be it to the hairdressing salon, or to work, or to my relative's place, or to the market, even to shopping malls. And he still accompanies my mum whenever she shops.

My dad will help my maternal grandmother run errands too, by driving her around to the market or when my mum brings her to the hairdressing salon. He seems to treat his mother-in-law better than his own mother!

I guess even though there are many aspects I see in my dad which I do not want in my future partner, but at the end of it all, he is committed to my mum, to the family. Who am I to comment anyway, as long as my mum is able to accept and tolerate him? Even though there were a few times where my mum was on the verge of divorcing him, still they managed to work things out.

And this is what couplehood and a long-term relationship is like. It is beyond the love, passion and affection of early days when both are so loving and sweet. Despite the difficulties, the changes, even after many years of living together and looking at each other day in day out, both still take time to date each other, to be nice to each other, to accommodate and compromise, to give to the family, instead of taking things for granted and just doing their own things separately.

This is what I learnt and observed from my parents. They really tried their best, as a couple, as children, as parents, as relatives and as friends. I learnt from them to treat people well and be true and sincere to others. I only hope that I can do just as well if and when I ever get married.

Having said that, I came across a very inspirational and enlightening quote earlier on : "True love is not about finding the perfect person for you, but about accepting and loving an imperfect person perfectly." How apt!

"Talent" Management

I feel rather flattered by a few people who said I am one of the most talented persons they have ever met. All I can say is a big thank you, but I truly do not think so. I am definitely not talented as compared to a lot of others I know, especially in light of my family members.

Talent itself is subjective. It can mean a lot of things. People can be talented in many ways. Some can be in studies, some in sports, some in music, some in science, some in languages. Some can be good in just about everything. Now that is the truly gifted.

Me? Nothing much. My parents tried to groom me into something, but I end up with nothing much to show. Studies wise I have never been a top student. Sports wise I lose more than actually winning, missing the balls and the hits. Music wise, I have never played that well or smoothly, never really won in any competition I entered, never scored that high in any examination.

I struggled with science and math, and even for languages, my writing is not as good as compared to a lot of others, otherwise I would have numerous articles and books published already. As it is, even though I have been formulating some short stories, I have yet to get the entire story together, as the ideas are just so haphazard.

But I am very proud of my family, because I grow up in a talented family. If some people think I am talented, they have not seen my cousins. They are the real talented ones. Studies wise, they score either straight 'A's or mostly 'A's. Music wise, they get distinctions for almost every examination.

Sports wise, they can bowl, play badminton, squash, tennis, table-tennis, netball, and a few of them made the school and national teams even. They are even able to jog the entire MacRitchie Reservoir without pausing, whereas I had to stop and walk after just a short way. And all can cycle, unlike me. :-(

They read and write a lot, good in sciences and math, knowledgeable in current and world affairs, politics, economy, finance. Some are government scholars and graduates and post-graduates from top universities around the world.

Honestly, I feel like a real airhead while talking to them, so I always maintain my silence whenever we have a gathering and just listen to their intelligent conversations. At least I got to learn a lot by listening. I do not trust myself to speak.

Sometimes I wish I can be as smart or talented as them. I love all my cousins, they are like real siblings to me, but at times, I wish I can be as smart or talented or knowledgeable as them. In a way, we have the same genes too, so why am I so different from them?

Maybe because of this that I get attracted to talented people. Afterall, I grow up with people who are talented in some ways, so I tend to get along better with those who are also talented in some ways.

My best friend for one. She is better than me in almost every aspect, in studies, singing, making and keeping friends, effectively bilingual, her looks and appearance, sports. My childhood friend, whom without him I would have failed math and science.

My godbrother, who writes poems and songs, set up an a capella group when he was studying in USA, a darn good singer, effectively bilingual and still graduate with a double degree with top honours from an Ivy League University.

Another good friend of mine, who attended top schools, graduated with a Masters, played the electone very well and was a competitive chess player as well as one of the top players of the local Magic scene.

Also another friend, who was a scholar, speaks four languages, dances the salsa and tango, plays tennis and squash, the piano, violin, guitar and harmonica. And someone else whom I am just trying to get over.

Even the guys I have dated, they are all talented in their own ways. My first guy was a top student, school debater, chorister, church musician in singing and playing the electric guitar and the President of the Student Council.

My second guy was another top student, hall master, writes darn good poetry, letters and stories. And my third guy, who had above average grades as an engineering student then became a top student in design school, who draws and plays the electric guitar really well.

Compared to people like these, I am really ashamed of myself. Come to think of it, how can I ask for someone who is talented and brilliant when I myself am not? Am I really so good that I cannot bring myself to accept someone who is just an average person when I myself am but average?

But one does not have to be talented to enjoy life. Whatever I am doing now, I am passionate about. I like to upgrade as much as I can. Just like even if I get my further degree, or a performance certificate in piano, or take up another instrument or two, even when others may deem these as "useless", I will still do it.

Why? Simply because these are my interests and passions. No matter how impractical people deem me to be, I will still choose to do things I really like, still portray as someone stoic and boring to many people, instead of doing things I do not like, but just for the sake of fitting in and pleasing others.

Maybe this is why I do not have that many close friends, only a handful really close ones, because even as friends, it is very hard to find someone who shares my interests and passions. Which is why in the end I end up doing many things on my own.

Observations On Couplehood

It had been a rather enlightening weekend. Having my extended family with us is a wonderful thing, especially since my cousin brought the baby and the dog with her. Looking upon all the smiling faces makes me feel so happy that I have a warm and loving family, a family that sticks by and with each other and helps each other out whenever we run into any problems.

With four generations, one cannot help but wonder how things change throughout the years. I think now I sound as if I have lived for a hundred years, but I was trying to imagine how life was like for my grandparents during those times as compared to now.

Perhaps living in olden society with a simpler life is really easier. One's expectations will not be so high. Both my grandmothers met my grandfathers through matchmaking. They did not even see each other before the wedding, and they got married just like that and played the part of a dutiful wife and mother till death did them part.

To my grandparents, their duties in life is to be filial and respectful to their parents, married the ones their parents chose, and then take care of the family. Men should be the ones to work and provide for the family, women should be the ones to take care and raise the family.

That was it, no complications of who should work and who should stay home, who should contribute more to the house, who should do which housework. No family planning even, and the complications of whether the income is sufficient to take care of so many kids.

But I must say I am very lucky. Both my grandfathers were the responsible types who provided and took care of their families. They did not gamble and womanise (they did smoke and drink though). Where in those days men could take on a few wives, they were faithful.

My maternal grandfather had two wives, because during the war, my grandmother was left in China and my grandfather came to Singapore, and they totally lost touch with each other. Both deemed each other as dead, so my grandfather married again after the war in Singapore.

It was only after that that my grandfather realised my grandmother was still alive. Although he married her in China to fulfil his father's wish, still he felt it was his responsibility as she was still his wife. Thus he brought her here and both my grandmas lived together until his death. My grandfather was relatively faithful in a way as he never took another wife.

Thus the same family values were passed down to the younger generation. All my relatives are responsible and committed to taking care of the family. They do not smoke, drink, gamble or flirt around. And these values were passed down even now, which is very rare with the high number of people who take commitment lightly, who smoke, drink, gamble and visit prostitutes.

So anyway I was observing my family members, and I realise that my relatives' other halves are very different from each other. I know my uncles and aunts are different, so are my parents. Even my cousin and her husband are two different people, even though they have some similar interests.

But that does not make them less in love, or less likely to stay together. There have only been one divorce case in my entire family, and even then it was because the guy ran away during a difficult period.

My parents and relatives married relatively young, straight out of school, and they are able to stay together until now, even when the children are grown, even when some of them are already grandparents.

I think even during my parents' times, they never really worry so much when it comes to meeting their respective halves. Most met through school or through staying near each other. And to them, once you have found someone nice and decent, the next step is to just get married and settle down.

Compared to people nowadays, who are so commitment-phobic that even when they have been together for such a long time, they just refuse to settle down. Some others will forever be in search of people who meet up to their expectations, no matter how unrealistic.

I am not saying one should not have expectations. We should not marry out of convenience, because it is very miserable to be with the wrong partner. All I am saying is that if the expectations are too unrealistic, perhaps it is time to come back down to earth and finetune them.

Afterall, how many people can be so good-looking or so rich or born with a silver spoon, or can afford a high maintenance life? Maybe you think I am referring to myself when I state "unrealistic expectations" but then I have always said looks and riches do not mean anything to me. What matters is the character, values and interests. I just want to meet a nice decent guy who is equally committed and willing to go all the way instead of suddenly developing cold feet.

Which makes me wonder, am I really so stoic that I must find someone who meets whatever criteria I state? Of course it is a good thing to find someone who shares my interests and values, who is romantic and interesting, but at the end of the day, what matters is the commitment and effort both parties put in to make things work.

Face it, nobody is perfect. I am not a perfect girl, so I can never ask for a perfect guy. It is already so hard to find someone to love and who loves you back in return, and willing to be with you till death do you part. Besides, in every relationship, it is impossible to find someone totally the same, there is always compromise, adapting, accommodating and tolerance.

I guess at the end of the day, what matters is whether we are perfect for each other, other things notwithstanding. We can be so different yet so perfect for each other; similarly we can be so similar yet not mutually committed on the same level.

Attack Of The Fungi!

I had almost two days of mushroom feast. It started on Saturday with the steamboat dinner we hosted at my place for my mum's family. There were about five dishes of mushrooms - from shiitake to abalone to button to white. Even the soup was made of mushrooms! What a pity there is no black truffle!

We waited for the soup to boil, then threw all the mushrooms into the soup. Needless to say, the soup tasted very mushroomy after that. I am not referring to the thick cream mushroom soup, but actual clear soup made of mushrooms, and boiling mushrooms!

In went all the shiitake, then all the abalone, then all the white mushrooms, followed by the other mushrooms. The mushrooms were cooked very quickly. In fact, the moment we put the mushrooms in, they were cooked within minutes. So we scooped them up and in went the next batch.

At the end of the dinner, we ate mushrooms, mushrooms and more mushrooms, with a bit of vegetables and salmon. We were all so full from mushrooms that my cousins remarked they could not bear to see another mushroom for a while!

There were still some mushrooms leftover, so we had another mushroom feast on Sunday, where we ate noodles with different types of mushrooms, and mushrooms with vegetables. I swear I am never going to touch another mushroom again for the next couple of months or so!

For The Love Of Money

Once in a while, the newspapers will feature some estate dispute case, be it locally or overseas. Some of the cases can be made into some television drama serials. People think these only happen in reel life, but actually in real life, such dispute cases can be even more dramatic.

These disputes will occur only if the family is very wealthy. We hear of the prodigal child or uncle trying to change the will of the deceased, ensuring they get the lion's share, or worse, get the full share and cut everyone else out of the will. In cases like these, it is very hard to determine whether anyone has forged the will, especially if there are no witnesses.

Perhaps I am still too idealistic, but to me, does it matter who gets more and who gets less? Afterall, all belong to the same family right? Even if there is no will, whatever assets belonging to the parents will be split equally amongst the kids.

Even if there is a will, by right the assets belong to the parents, so they have every right to distribute according to how they like. Why must people from the same family be so calculative over who gets more or who gets less?

Which makes me wonder, if a couple worked very hard and managed to build themselves up through the years in order to earn more keep and let their children enjoy life, it will be really sad indeed if the children go to court and dispute over the share of the parents' estate once they have passed on.

At times, I really wonder if it would be better to just donate all to a cause, or to squander it all in the lifetime. When one is dead, all the money in the world is of no use. And when one is born with a silver spoon, one tends to take for granted that life will always be easy, thus no inclination or motivation to do anything.

No wonder it is still much better to live a simple life instead.

The Worst Form Of Betrayal

How many accounts do we come across of girls (and guys) being betrayed by their loved ones? In many cases, the girls give their all - their heart, their love, their money even, to the one they love, in the end the person could disappear without a trace with everything.

These cases are quite similar for guys too - they can give their love, their dedication and their money, only to have the girl run away or elope with someone else, taking away everything they (the guys) own.

Can we blame some people for becoming wary and mistrustful? Afterall, if one has been betrayed by the very person they love the most, the insecurity, hurt and pain will forever be a prick in their hearts. These people may never learn to trust again.

Actually, the worst form of betrayal is not just getting cheated out of feelings and money, but to find out that your partner is two-timing you with your best friend, or your own sibling. Talk about double betrayal! The two people you trust the most betraying you at the same time!

I know of people who break up, then the ex got together with the best friend or sibling soon after. This is not really considered a betrayal because both have broken up, although of course the feelings will be sore.

And if the best friend or sibling really cares enough, he / she will not think of starting a relationship with the ex so soon after the breakup, no matter how much they like each other, especially if the best friend or sibling is still harbouring hopes and feelings for the ex.

What I feel constitute as a double betrayal is the best friend or sibling being with the boyfriend / girlfriend when they are still together, without the friend's or sibling's knowledge of course. Luckily I have not experienced this personally, and am not likely to experience this.

For instance, if A introduces her boyfriend B to her best friend C, and they always hang out together. C then starts developing feelings for B. I know feelings cannot be controlled, but in this case, what will C do?

If C is a true friend, she will forget about B and wishes the two of them happiness. But in many cases, those in C's position will either wish the two of them will break up so she can then have a chance, or else just see him behind A's back.

A relationship does not take one person. If B does not respond or react, then for sure C will not stand a chance. But if B also responds or reacts, that is when things happen, is it not? In this case, who is more at fault?

C, for initiating when she knows it is the guy whom her best friend is so head over heels in love with, and who confides in her about all her fears and worries of the relationship? When A could have suspected something and confides in C that B may be two-timing her?

Or B, for even responding and reacting to C's advances in the first place, and at the same time lying to A whenever he and C met up behind her back?

Imagine if A is to find out. It is bad enough that the guy she loves is two-timing her, but with her best friend at that. I can hardly imagine how she will feel, because that will really be a double blow. Two people she trusts and cares about the most both betraying her at the same time.

Or if let's say D brings his girlfriend E out to meet his best friend F. F starts to like E, and starts telling tales about D, starts wooing her, with the hope that E will fall for him. Being a girl, especially in one's younger years when all kinds of romance and sweetness will melt her heart, if D is the one that is stoic and F is the one that is romantic, chances are E may really start to fall for F.

Then what? Is D at fault, for neglecting E? Is F at fault for wooing E knowing she is the girlfriend of his best friend? Or is E at fault for cheating on D and going with F behind his back?

Or G introduces the new boyfriend / girlfriend H to the family, and the brother / sister J starts to fall for H. Shall J just watch while G and H are so happy together, and listening miserably while G confides how much he / she likes H? Or shall J try to get the opportunity to know H, hoping he / she may end up with H?

In situations like these, who can pinpoint who is at fault? One can say one should never covet the partner of one's best friend or sibling, because that is really an ultimate betrayal of friendship and kinship. But when the feelings are really strong, who can blame them?

Everyone has a choice after all, who they like and who they want to go after. And if the feelings are really uncontrollable, I guess some people will rather go by their feelings, even to the extent of hurting someone they care about.

In many cases, people will think that as long as things are done secretly and nobody finds out, as long as they have no expectations and just enjoy the time with each other while it lasts, nothing will happen.

But there is a Chinese saying, "Paper cannot be used to cover a fire". How long can people go around in secret? Sooner or later, someone will find out. Sooner or later, the victim will suspect and get into a frenzy. Sooner or later, the victim will find out the two most people he / she trust the most are going around behind his / her back.

Then instead of just one person getting hurt, it ends up all three getting hurt. A long-time friendship can end just like that. A close brother / sisterhood can end just like that. A wonderful relationship (perhaps it is not that wonderful if the other party strays) can end just like that.

I guess humans all have their selfish side. They look out for their own gains, even if they can care about someone deeply, even if they know never to hurt this person. Even between husband and wife, parents and children, let alone just mere friends, all have their selfish side that they only look out for their own interests.

People know the concept of unconditional love, and true love, which is to love by the side and just want the person to be happy. As long as he / she is happy and successful, that is all that matters. Yet not many people actually adhere to this, because possession is a natural instinct in most people.

To love is not to possess, but how many really achieve this? Most people are selfish when it comes to love. They are selfish even to their own partners, let alone to someone else. And in the society nowadays, most take love and commitment very lightly.

How many of us really know what is love? How many of us are really willing to be tolerant of each other's faults? I came across something enlightening during the weekend - If you really love someone, you will want to spend your life doing everything to make the other person happy, yet you feel whatever you have done is not enough for him / her.

So is there really such a thing as true, unconditional love? Yes, I believe there is. Only thing is how to put it in practice.

Night Out With My Best Friend

I went out with my best friend last night for dinner and a karaoke session. I have not sung for so long that my voice is getting a bit off. I can no longer handle higher notes anymore, notes which I was able to reach smoothly in the past now becomes a bit of a struggle to me.

That is the problem with musicianship - one has to constantly practice, no matter what instrument, be it piano or strings or woodwind or even voice, otherwise it will get out of practice very soon. Which is why I am also struggling with the piano now, songs which I was able to play very well in the past now becomes a bit of a struggle too.

One thing about karaoke joints is why can they not load in original MTVs instead? Some of the songs we wanted were on cheesy scenes where the tune was not even complete. Those non-original MTVs really kill one's appetite for the song.

If anyone is to sing a song, it is best to be on the original tune, with the original lyrics, featuring the original singers. Some of the songs featured are not original, but an improvisation and arrangement, and the whole song becomes repulsive instead.

Anyway she brought a male friend along, and we all had an enjoyable dinner and singing session. He claims he cannot sing so he just sat and listened to us while we belt out our tunes. Whenever my best friend and I meet up, we will always sling our arms or put our arms around each other, and those guys who are with us normally have to tag along behind.

Society is not fair, is it not? Girls, especially close girl friends, can sling their arms or hold hands together and nobody will battle an eyelid, unless it is very obvious that the girls are of a gay sexual orientation. My best friend and I are definitely not, because we both look like normal decent ladies.

Whereas for guys, no matter how close friends they are, they can never attempt to sling their arms or hold hands, unless they want to be labelled as gays, as that is the automatic conclusion everyone will come to.

In the past, my best friend and I would hold hands and go everywhere together, and our then boyfriends would just tag along behind. We once told them why not they hold hands too and run along with us, but all we got were stares of horror and disbelief for even suggesting a thing like that! :-p

For once in a long time, I reached home rather late, something I have not done the past couple of months. My parents are relieved that I am finally getting out of the house instead of lounging around at home the whole day.

Games Men Play ....

What is it with men and games? My best friend told me that she has no time to watch any television now because her husband is always hogging the machine due to his PlayStation games. My colleague told me that her husband wanted a Xbox, but it was due to these video games that they almost split up once.

I have had friends who broke up with their guys because of these games. A friend told me that her ex was an hour late in meeting her, and all attempts to call him were futile. So when she rushed to his home in a worried state, she realised he was playing a game. She was so pissed that she dumped him there and then.

A large part of my dating life were with guys who played video games. It seems so rare to find a guy who does not play video games. We used to have quarrels because of these games. One of them would throw a tantrum each time he lost, and whenever I tried comforting him that it was only a game, he accused me of not understanding how he felt.

Another one was late for our dates many times because he was held up playing games. There was once he was challenging his dad, and he was late meeting me, so he told his dad he needed to meet me, and his dad told him that just because he had a girlfriend it did not mean he should not spend time with the family members as well.

Seems that men, no matter how old they are, will still be boys whenever they are addicted to games. But I suppose men's addiction to video games can be equivalent to women's addiction to shopping. Just like we can never fathom why men enjoy banging on a xbox or PlayStation so much, they can never fathom why we can just shop the whole day without any break.

But then I do not shop, or at least, I do not shop like how a typical girl shops. Which is perhaps why I prefer a partner who does not indulge in video games. I rather we do other forms of interesting or intelligent activities instead.

Valentine Memories ....

I do not know if it is because I am soon to be at the next phase of my life, or just to do with old age, or just in one of my moods again, but I am in a rather reminiscing mood lately. Especially since today when I went with my colleague to buy a Xbox for her husband, I started to think about the Valentine's Days I have had.

I have celebrated ten Valentine's Days in total. Not all were happy though. The very first Valentine's Day I celebrated was in 1995, and that was a disaster because whatever that could go wrong went wrong, and I went home and cried myself to sleep.

The ones in 2004 to 2005 were okay, at least the guy put in the effort, but still, it was not as good as previous years. But I could not blame him because he is a different person with different preferences, and besides, I never felt that strongly for him so perhaps I never felt touched no matter what he did.

The ones in between these years were the most wonderful times I ever had. Of all the Valentine's Days I have had, these were the ones I could remember most vividly; the rest (besides the very first one) were but a hazy memory.

Maybe it was spent with the person who meant the most to me, the one I loved the most? Which was why those were so much more memorable than any others I spent with others? After all, if the person was so important to you, you tend to remember everything of the person, everything you did with each other.

Honestly, the times we spent with each other, what we did, where we went, how we quarrelled, how we spent our Christmases, birthdays and anniversaries, almost everything is still fresh in my mind, even now.

The first year, he picked me up from school, dressed to the nines. There was no gift or flowers, and I felt a bit disappointed. We went to one of the shopping malls where he booked a restaurant. Before going into the restaurant, he brought me to a flower shop, collected a bouquet of roses and gave it to me on the spot. I was on the verge of tears.

We then went into the restaurant. It specialised in Western food. After ordering, he excused himself, saying he needed to use the bathroom. He came back ten minutes later, and whipped out a gift box. It was a card, with a poem he composed, and a set of Swarovski crystal heart-shaped necklace with earrings. I could not help it. I cried, there and then as I was so touched!

The second year, Valentine's Day happened to fall on a Saturday. We were both busy with assignments that period of time, so did not have a lavish celebration. Still, we went for high tea at one of the hotel restaurants, then went for a movie, and window-shopped. He gave me another bouquet of red roses with a card and a self-composed poem and a cuddly soft toy.

The third year, Valentine's Day was on a Sunday. We met for church, then went to his place, where he gave me a card (another self-composed poem), and another cuddly soft toy. However, this time round, he made the flowers for me. Twenty-four paper and cloth flowers in the shape of roses.

The fourth year, we went to a high-class restaurant for a caviar and steak dinner. The restaurant happened to be in one of the high class hotels, so there was a live pianist serenading us with love songs. As usual, he gave me another bouquet of red roses with a card with another self-composed poem, and a diamond necklace.

The fifth year, we went to a new restaurant in town (which had since closed down), then went for a late night movie. There was another bouquet of roses, with another card with a self-composed poem, and another cuddly soft toy.

The sixth year, he brought a bouquet of red roses, with a card with a self-composed poem, and a heart-shaped cushion to my workplace, and left it on my desk. When I went back to the staff room, I saw the gifts and cried. Then he came out from the corner he was hiding and we went for a simple dinner and a walk along the beach.

So there. Now people may ask, all these were what he did for me, so what did I do for him? Of course, Valentine's Day is just one day in a year, so there are a lot of things I did for him (and vice versa) throughout the rest of the year.

So what did I give him all these years? The first year, I gave him an original football jersey of his favourite club. The second year, I stitched him a special cross-stitch on a cloth, then went to frame it up and hang it on the wall in his room.

The third year, I gave him a cool looking Pierre Cardin shirt. The fourth year, I gave him a gold Parker felt-tipped and ballpoint pen set, engraved with both our names. The fifth year, I bought him a pair of black leather shoes, and the sixth year I bought him a cool looking mobile phone with triband technology (one of the few triband phones in the market in those days).

And of course, I enclosed cards with every gift, but I am no poet as compared to him, I would write him letters instead attached in the cards. My best friend was remarking earlier on that he is a very sweet guy. Of course, otherwise why would he be the only one I ever wanted to marry?

All these are but sweet memories, still rather vivid in my mind. It is true indeed that the person you value the most will be the most unforgettable. Even though now I no longer feel anything for him, these memories still stay with me.

But I believe sometime soon I may be able to create even better and more wonderful memories with someone else, memories that will follow us throughout the rest of our lives. Who knows what the future will bring?

Flowers On V-Day

Happy Valentine's Day for one and all! How long was it that I have never celebrated Valentine's Day already? Since 2006 I think. (The one last year did not count because of obvious reasons.)

My colleague just had flowers delivered to the office for her from her husband. At times I wonder, why do sweet guys belong to other girls? I have never had flowers delivered to my office before on Valentine's Day as a surprise.

The one and only time I received flowers at my workplace was when my second ex came to the school I was teaching in, with a bouquet of flowers and a heart-shaped cushion as a gift, and he went to the staff room and waited for me while I finished my lessons.

That was still one of the most touching and memorable things I ever experienced! Unfortunately, that was our very last Valentine's Day together, and since then, no one had ever been that sweet to me.

Anyway my best friend got me out of my shell to meet a guy tomorrow. I asked her if he is the decent sort, and she said, if he is her friend, for sure he is the decent sort. True in a way, considering she is also very discerning in choosing her friends. Hopefully this time she will be there and not leave us alone at the last minute again!

Ads On Getting Back With Exs

Whenever I have a relationship post, my google ads will churn out notices on how to get an ex back. One search generates lots and lots of websites featuring the same thing - on how to get an ex back, the surefire way, the ebook on techniques, the guaranteed tips that have been proven and worked.

Broken relationships are so abundant. But I never know just how much demand there is on reconciliation until I read some of the websites. It is not so much on how to start a relationship, but rather how to get back with the person who dumped them, for both males and females.

But then almost everyone I know has gone through a broken relationship in some ways. The reason people break up is because they cannot get along anymore, is it not? No doubt some may get back together, but in most cases, most people will break and move on.

Actually it really depends on fate and divine intervention. There is no reason why some people manage to get back together, and why others end up with another person, someone whom they may not like as much even. People always say if it is fated to be, it will be yours.

A lot of motivational speakers are cashing in on these demands to help others find their soulmates and deal with breakups, and tips on getting an ex back. Perhaps their tips do work, otherwise some will not be so established, nor can they publish a book without any proven techniques in the first place.

How many people depend on these techniques in the first place? None I know. So many people through the years have entered into relationships, married, have kids, and stayed together, without these so-called techniques.

The points brought up by these motivational speakers are pretty tempting. From the gist I have read through, most of them are quite common sensical actually. Perhaps to some these techniques do work. But how many others have used these techniques yet failed?

Again, it all boils down to fate, is it not? Some people break up, but somehow end up together again. Others break up, one moves on and the other keeps holding on. In this case, it is almost impossible to get back together because a relationship is not just on one person alone.

Maybe these techniques do help to an extent. But I daresay even without these techniques, those who got back together again would still possibly have done it even without these tips. After all, when the time is right, all will fall into place.

I have a friend who was seeing this girl for two months, then suddenly she stopped talking to him for seven months, after that she started talking to him again, and from then on, their relationship progressed and now they are getting married.

So never say never. This is what I am telling myself too. Perhaps when the timing is right, something unexpected may happen? No harm being optimistic and hopeful.

The Complexity Of Feelings

Is it true that some people are more highly valued in our hearts? Many a times, we can come across a couple of suitors who treat us equally. Yet we are more responsive to one than the other. Sometimes, we are more responsive to the one who treat us more nonchalantly than the one who treat us in higher esteem.

Such is life. Some people when you get along with them, you feel joyful and fun, yet you are not confident that you can be secure and comfortable with them, but still you like them and want to be with them. Some people, you feel all the security and commitment while with them, yet you simply have no feelings whatsoever towards them, and keep rejecting their advances.

There have been guys who have showered me with gifts, from cuddly soft toys to flowers to jewellery. I used to think it is the gift, because even though I know it is the thought that counts, at times when people give me something I do not like, I have no idea where to display or what to do with it. So it will end up being a white elephant, or worse, I give it away to my younger nieces.

But then when someone else gives me almost the same thing, I can be so happy and touched. I will treasure and value it very much, and never allow anyone to touch or go near it, preserve it with the utmost and greatest care.

Then I realise it is my problem, that it is not the gift per se but the person giving the gift. I am not saying that I need people to shower me with gifts or material stuff, but I realise that if this person is more highly valued in my heart, whatever he does will make me happy, no matter how trivial or minor, and I treasure his gifts greatly and enjoy the outings with him.

Likewise, if I have absolutely no feelings whatsoever for someone, even if he can be the richest person here, come from a well-established family, treats me so well, is so eligible, but still I will not be touched or be happy or enthusiastic about seeing him.

Just like this guy who asked me out for dinner tonight. I have yet to reply him. He is a very nice guy, very gentle and caring, I feel very well taken care of the couple of times we met up, but I simply do not feel anything for him. And all his care and concern, his consideration makes me feel suffocated instead that I can hardly bear even just one hour with him.

Now, if it has been someone else, I would have been excited and agreed without any hesitation, no matter how late in the night it is, even if it is just for a drive around the estate, or a chat at the beach, even if it is just for half an hour or so, with the lingering feeling of how short the time is after that.

Unfair? I know. But life is never fair. No matter how we say we try to treat people equally, the truth is that there will be some we prefer over others. There will be some whom we will always care about, always show concern for, and there will be some whom we rather not be associated with.

I have had people asking me why did I like someone over another. Honestly, there is no reason why someone likes another person, is it not? To really state a reason, it can be because I see what I look for in this person as compared to another.

Some people can get along with you from the very beginning, even if their actions are just normal, nothing out of the ordinary, but you still like them somehow and want to do everything to make them happy because their happiness means the most to you.

Whereas some no matter how long you have known them, no matter how well they treat you, how out of the way they go to make you happy, somehow you just do not feel anything for them.

And such is life. Which is why it is so hard to find someone you like and who likes you in return, with both wanting to make each other happy. How many false starts and one-sided misguided feelings must one go through before they actually find their other halves?

To some, they are able to find them instantly. To others, it may take a lifetime, and never to be found. I have learnt a great lesson from long ago - never to take any relationship lightly or for granted ever again, because it has been so hard for me to find someone who really and willingly wants to be with me, and vice versa. If I ever manage to find one, he will be someone I really treasure and not mess up.

Getting Along With Others

Now that I am taking an English Language module, the lecturer happened to be the course coordinator of the Curriculum English module which I took back in my own university days, and the tutor is one of the lecturers in my alma mater.

Of course, they do not remember me because I was never directly in their class, considering they lectured English Language and I did English Literature. The only English language modules I did then were for Curriculum English in schools.

Seeing them made me remember a certain lecturer back then. She also lectured the English Language modules. Her name is Ruth, so she insisted on us calling her Dr, followed by her surname. However, everyone who went under her called her "Ruthless", as apparently she gave her students a hard time.

That time, there were some students who came in from a career switch, so they are married with kids. I heard from them that when a woman (perhaps even a man) is highly educated and not married, they tend to be a bit weird, thinking the whole world has to do things the same way as them. My mum will call it "self-centred".

My mum said there are certain things which can only be learnt through marriage and having a family. Like how to accommodate, compromise and tolerate another person, someone who comes from a different background and upbringing than yourself, someone with different habits.

How both can live together peacefully and amicably are things to be discovered through time and the process of learning and experiencing. How both interact and tried to blend in with each respective families. And when both have kids, how to give to the kid, sacrifice and give to the family. All these make one more grown up, less self-centred, and more caring and considerate to another person.

She said this is something those who are single can never experience, can never understand. No matter how much we care for our own family (like our parents and siblings) and friends and accommodate them, it can never be compared to how one learns through the process of actually staying with someone, sharing a life with someone.

I cannot really comment on how true it is because I have not been in that situation. But I guess once a person gets into it, one just have to adapt to the situation, is it not? It is never easy sharing a life with someone else in the first place, especially after years of habitual behaviour.

Like sleeping with the light on vs sleeping with the light off. Covering the toothbrush vs not covering it. Squeezing the toothpaste from the top of the tube vs squeezing it from the middle or side. Sleeping with a blanket vs without one.

Come to think of it, there are many little things one has to adapt when it comes to sharing a life with someone else. One can never truly know a person until one gets to live with the person. For instance, my habits are such that I replace the toothbrush in the mug instead of leaving it on the bathroom shelf.

I squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube. I have two lights in my room - a main light and a downlight, plus the table lamp next to my bed and my study light on my desk. I sleep with the downlight on whenever the air-conditioning is not on as it can prevent mosquitoes.

I tend to read until late in the night, so the bedside lamp must always be bright. I prefer taking baths more than showering. I always have a little blanket covering me whenever I sleep to prevent my legs from getting too cold at night.

I must shower with warm water, no matter how hot the weather is. Cold water will only make me scream and shiver. I always wear pajamas / nightdresses when I sleep. Or else I will sleep in the buff occasionally. Somehow I am not comfortable sleeping in shorts and tank tops or T-shirts.

Whenever I have a home-cooked meal, there will always be rice and at least three dishes and soup. We will always take the soup directly with our spoons and drink from it. And I eat with chopsticks, although up to now, I still have not figured out the right way to hold them. Everybody's spoons will go into the soup, and everybody's chopsticks will go into the dishes.

Some others I know always have a ladle in the soup bowl, then they will ladle the soup and pour into their respective small bowls, so that nobody's spoon will go into the soup. Some also have separate utensils in the dishes, so nobody's chopsticks or utensils will go into the dishes, as all have to use the utensil(s) provided to take the dish(es).

These habits have followed me through the years. By myself, I see no need to correct them because these are not exactly bad habits and I do not account to anyone. But I understand that if I am to live with someone peacefully, certain things he and his family do may be different, and there will be lots of adapting and accommodation.

Perhaps my mum is right in a sense. When one is on one's own, one need not account anything to anyone. So he / she can continue doing what he / she likes. Through the years, he / she may be just too used to doing things his / her own way that he / she fails to see that others may not necessarily be the same, and start imposing his / her own expectations on others without considering whether they are the same types.

But being with people should always have some tolerance, is it not? One cannot expect one's way all the time. People are just different, and at the end of it all, we can choose who we want to hang out with. For those that we come across through work and studies, sometimes we just have no choice but to go along and adapt.

Corporate New Year Gathering

We had a Chinese New Year gathering at our Executive Chairman's house last night. I am still in awed over his mansion on a hill. As usual, we had the buffet dinner and karaoke singing on the lawn, like last year.

This year, the staff were broken into teams. Each team had to come out with an item for a group performance, and a representative had to sing on behalf of the team. Our team came out with the idea of dressing up like poker cards (the hearts suit), where the card is in front and a Chinese word is at the back.

Since there were thirteen of us, everyone has a Chinese word at the back. So when combined together, all the individual words make up a phrase, wishing the company more prosperity and growth in the year of the Golden Rat.

The "cards" were arranged according to height, starting from Ace, ending with King. I was the Three of Hearts. Not too bad, considering I was expecting to be the Ace of Hearts (since my height is always a problem in light of bigger things).

We played a piece of music called "Pennies From Heaven" (to signify wealth and prosperity), then started dancing out one by one, showing our front "card" before turning to the back to show the Chinese word.

My team seemed to be the only unique one, since most of the other teams dressed like rats, to signify the year of the Rat. Plus they put on a skit about Chinese New Year and what to do and what not to do during the festive period.

A pity we did not win though. But what was most important was that we managed to have fun as a team, and got to know people from other departments, colleagues which we would otherwise not have known or come across.

The cooperation everyone put in when making and printing out the "cards" on paper, the sticking and pasting of the cardboard to enable us to wear the "cards", the brainstorming of the Chinese words and phrase, those who participated cooperated one way or another.

Of course, our team had more than thirteen members. There were originally about twenty of us. But people, being people, once they knew there was a performance, either pulled out from the gathering, applied leave, or did not go for any of the meetings / rehearsals we had regarding the group performance.

There were some who joined us at the last minute, despite not being able to attend any of the practices, but still went along with the flow. There were some who attended the dinner gathering, but sat somewhere else and did not want to participate.

Of course, not everyone is willing to participate, or to perform. But such is human nature, is it not? People tend to only look out for themselves. It is not an issue of participating or performing like a star, but the most important thing is the teamwork and camaraderie that really count, not to mention the new friendships we make with one another as we all join in the fun.

But some just choose to be a loner. People are different and we cannot expect everyone to think the same way, but still, it will be a sad thing for those who rather remain alone than be involved with others.

Another Rambling Of Sorts

It is better to be loved than to love. This statement is true to a certain extent. The feeling of being pursued and admired is good. But then it takes two hands to clap. One person cannot be the one doing all the chasing and the other person has no reaction to him.

Feelings do take time to develop, but it must be a mutual feeling between both that they do not mind seeing each other and developing the relationship, letting the feelings grow on its own. After all, a relationship cannot function on just one person alone.

Which is why I choose the type of people I go out with. My cousin remarked last night during our annual reunion that I should give chances to whatever suitors I have. But as always the case, those who show interest are those I am absolutely not interested in, and those I do not mind progressing with for some reason they just lose interest.

I used to go out with whoever who asked me out. I am not the wanton or liberal type, but I realise that even though I may go out with the guy on just a casual basis, the guy may not necessarily think the same way.

Some guys just cannot get it into their heads that just because a girl agrees to go out with him for a meal or movie, it does not mean she is really interested in developing a relationship, nor does she give him the liberty of saying she is his girlfriend, and certainly not because she agrees to get physical or intimate with him!

Which is why for the past half a year or so, I have stopped going out with a lot of people. Now I only go out with a guy if I deem him harmless enough, and only continue going out with him if I feel we can get along and comfortable enough. I have enough of all those dubious characters who show no respect to anyone!

No doubt it is lonely at times, as after all, it is still much more fun to do things with another person than on one's own. But even if I am to have activity partners, it is better to be with people who share my interests and who are interesting and fun, and not just mere anyone who will make me feel so suffocated and want to cut the outing short.

Which is why I am in this state now - single, dateless, and soon to be a couch potato lounging around at home during the weekends. But being on my own sometimes is better than going out with just mere anyone and end up wasting my time due to a disastrous date.

Besides, I have other things to occupy myself with. Like reading for instance. And studying. And playing the piano. Or watching movie and television drama discs. Anyway, I believe this is only temporary, as who knows, soon I may start going out again, with another potential person?

Trying To Find Meaning In My Job

When I think of how frustrating my job is, I try to remember why it is I stuck on in the first place. What exactly am I doing? Can my job help others? In a way, especially when dealing with property transactions.

But I am only helping the rich, those who can afford. Then they pay an exorbitant sum, and make my company richer, and we get more bonuses and increment. Or I help those who are not happy with our services, and write us a letter claiming compensation, so we come to an amicable solution with both emerging winners.

Which makes me wonder how can I go the extra mile? Imagine if I am in the medical line, or even in the legal line (as a practitioner), or back in the education line, there are many things I can do to go the extra mile, and make both the customer and myself / employer happy.

As it is, I am not exactly in the frontline of anything, just the background of all documentation and cases. I do not even come in direct contact with the clients, unless asked to. So how do I go the extra mile?

When I was teaching, I would bring the kids home from school if they required extra lessons after school. Or else I would bring them out, buy them meals, and counsel them, talk to their parents, even being twenty-four hours on call for the kids or the parents to contact me (and some really do call at odd hours!).

I would even apply for financial aid and bursaries for those really deserving kids who come from low-income families. I would bring out the kids' self-esteem by constantly encouraging them, even if they got on my nerves, but I never gave up on them.

So I am proud to say that the few years when I was teaching, the results of my students improved from previous years. Even when I was teaching a very difficult class where the students were really poor in every sense of the word, but at the end of it all, their results improved.

If I did become a lawyer or prosecutor, I imagine I would not only fight the case to the best of my ability, but also help those really deserving ones, like not letting an innocent person go hang. Some committed the crime not because they planned it, but because it was on a spur of a moment through aggravation, or some were forced by circumstances.

Still, it is no excuse committing a crime, but between black and white, many times there are grey areas, which can be rather ambiguous. Unless we know everything of the person's background and situation, third parties are normally not in a position to comment or judge.

Imagine if I am a doctor, besides saving the patient and helping him / her to the best of my ability, I may have to talk to the family members, especially in terms of major illness or crisis, advise them on the best way to deal with the situation, possibly even to the extent of fulfilling a dying person's wish, and letting someone live the last days to the fullest.

Or I can be a world doctor and go to the third-world or war torn places to help treat the sick and injured, bringing them hope. Even if I am a teacher, I can do the same - go to the less priviledged places and help build schools and shelters, teaching English to those kids who are not able to have an education.

Even if I am a journalist, I can reach out to the masses through my words. I can help inspire others by the way I write. I can go on the forefront for the latest news about wars, or terrorism, or major world events.

As it is, just exactly what am I doing in my current job? Someone once said that every job is meaningful in its own ways, but how can I contribute in my job, besides contributing to my company's revenue? It seems to benefit the rich and affluent rather than those that are really needy.

Now I really regret not striving for better qualifications when I was younger.

Iron Maiden!

My resolve to be a better person is coming along fine. I figured that I need to learn how to start doing things on my own, thus I started from my own home, my own room. So I started helping out more at home, starting from my own things.

Usually when my mum bought any new clothes, it will be my maid who helps in the sewing, unpicking, shortening or lengthening of the piece of clothing, plus the washing and ironing. This year, I decided to do it on my own.

So when I got my new year dress, a princess-cut spaghetti strap dress which fits my figure snugly (sidenote : I have gone down eight kilograms! My figure is almost back! Soon I can get my desired figure!). However, there were lots of loose threads hanging out, so I did all the unpicking and fixing of the dress myself.

Just now, after the reunion dinner, I tried my hand at ironing. This is not the first time I ironed, except I seldom iron unless my maid is not around. In my whole life, the only times I ironed were the two times when we were without a maid, and I absolutely loathe it.

Even when I was staying in the hostel, I never did any laundry or ironing. I accumulated all my clothes and brought them home during the weekends, where I would dump everything into the washing machine, and just packed new clothes for the following week. Okay, I admit I am rather spoilt. :-p

Which was why my mum was so surprised when I told her I would iron my own dress just now. And ironed the dress I did. I had to adjust the iron accordingly to the appropriate temperature for the appropriate fabric.

The dress had some ruffles around the top, so I had to turn it over and press the iron properly and delicately over the fabric, so as to neaten the ruffles and not crumple them at the same time. I had to spray a bit of water on it too in order to iron smoothly.

After doing the ruffles, I had to iron the rest of the dress to smoothen it. So I had to turn the dress round bit by bit, and iron it using an updown motion, all the while spraying some water on it before ironing.

Apparently I sprayed a bit too much water at some parts, so when I ran the iron over those parts, the water became a patch and those parts got a bit wet. :-p Overall, the entire dress came out smooth and fine. I did not burn a hole anywhere at least!

Now that the "ordeal" is over, I figured that it is not that difficult to iron a piece of clothing after all. I used to hate ironing because I was always so afraid of getting myself or my clothes burnt.

I have to start being more domestically useful, because if I am to live alone or get married in the future, I cannot always have a maid to take care of things in the house. So it is high time I start doing things on my own and stop depending on others.

Pursuing A Performance Certificate

This year, one of my resolutions is to be a better person and be more focused on what I want out of life. Which is why I decide to take on more modules in my course and started praying more and going for Novena.

Another thing I want to focus on is music. I have always been passionate about playing music, especially since the death of my late music teacher. But other things keep coming up. So I have decided that since I am no longer singing and dancing, why not take the time to focus on actual piano playing?

Thus I have decided to pursue a performance certificate in piano. Since I have completed Grade 8 a long time ago, I have to go for a qualifying test to see if I am competent enough to take up the performance qualifications.

The test will be on 5th March and comprises of two contrasting repertoires, sight reading and scales. Honestly, I am pretty nervous. Imagine I have not played regularly for so long, and even if I do play, I only play simple pieces nowadays, hardly anything of Chopin's standard. And I have lost touch with all the scales, major, chromatic and harmonic minors.

I have chosen the songs though. The first piece will be Strauss' Radetzky March (piano version) and the second is Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. Initially, I was thinking of Rimsky's Flight of the Bumble Bee or Beethoven's famous Symphony No. 5, but I do not think I am able to handle those as yet.

If I do not pass the test, I will have to undergo lessons starting from Grade 5 again before moving up to Grade 8 and take another test in a year or two, and pass it before I can take up the performance certificate.

Well... one cannot have everything. If I can pursue my passions, it will be good enough. Meanwhile, I shall see how the test goes. I must dedicate more time to music playing from now on!

Looking Ahead To A Good Year

My best friend sent me a message a few days back, saying we are reaching another decade of our lives. When we know each other, we were only sixteen-going-on-seventeen. Wow... that has been a long time!

Lots of things have changed. When we first knew each other, she was always the one looking out for me (actually even now she still looks out for me in certain aspects). I used to be naive and gullible (perhaps still am), and if it was not because of her advise and views, I would have started on the wrong track as that age was the year when I was really rebellious and kept falling out with my parents.

Come to think of it, there were a few milestones in this relatively short life I have. That age was also when I had my first relationship. Less than a year later, I had my first breakup. I was eighteen-going-on-nineteen when I met my second ex, twenty-three when I was proposed to, twenty-four when I had my second breakup, twenty-five when I got into my third relationship, twenty-seven when I broke up again.

I was also twenty-seven when I finally realised the type of guy and relationship I wanted, and had an unrequited love. The years ahead - twenty-seven and twenty-eight, I made a big mistake and ended up suffering, but emerged with more experience.

The past couple of years were one of lessons learnt and experience gained. In a way, I must thank a certain someone, because if not for him, I would never have gained certain experiences which I never thought I would ever experience in my life.

Now with the Lunar New Year and a new decade coming up, I shall look forward to better times ahead. Whatever mistakes I have made in the past and whatever experiences I have learnt I will bring it along with me to this new decade and handle things better.

Meanwhile, I have to finish cleaning my room and ironing my new dress for tomorrow. Here's sincerely wishing all my Chinese friends a wonderful year of the Golden Rat ahead!

Memoirs Of My First Crush

It is true that in the different stages of life, one's views and opinions may differ. I believe my views on certain things have changed through the years, but one thing that has never changed is how I view love and relationships, because since young, I learnt a lesson from my parents to be committed no matter what it takes.

For instance, when I was really young, I used to think I would be a doctor, because I wanted to help others. I thought of being a paediatrician or gynaecologist or pathologist or psychiatrist. Then when I realised my inability in the sciences and my passion for the arts, I wanted to be a lawyer, not just any lawyer, but a prosecutor.

Then when my results were not up to par and I was not confident of doing law, I thought of being a journalist or a teacher. Or a performance pianist / organist. As it is, now I am neither a doctor or a lawyer or a journalist or a teacher or a performer.

Life is like this, is it not? One can do all the planning but in the end, things just turn out otherwise. Just like I used to think I would only be involved in one relationship and that would be the one I end up marrying. As it is, that is already out of the question.

When I was much younger, I used to have fantasies on how my own relationship would be like. Being in a girl's school, we never had much contact with guys, so I never really learnt how to interact with guys until after secondary school.

The only contact I had with guys were my childhood friend and godbrother, but then they and me have known each other for such a long time that we are just like siblings to each other. So back in school when I heard about classmates dating and having boyfriends, I was wondering how the experience would be like.

Come to think of it, if I had known just how much of a headache and heartache a relationship would be, I would have just gone into a real convent and become a nun, like what some of my classmates intended to do (although in the end they never did). Save myself all the agony of dealing with men.

I had my first crush at the age of fifteen. I still remember his name and what he looked like. I even wrote a short story with him being the main character. Up to now, I remember vividly how I felt then. Well, the first crush is not so easily forgettable, is it not, just like first love.

I was going to my music school one Saturday afternoon. We were on the same bus. I pressed the bell to alight, and went to the exit door, when the bus jerked and I almost fell, but he held on to me and asked if I was alright.

I looked up and saw his smiling face. I could only smile back but that point in time, my heart beat so quickly and vividly that I was afraid I would suffer a heart attack and die on the spot. We alighted at the same stop and went the same way, then I realised he was in the same music school as me, but I never saw him before!

He was one of the special advanced students (for those who were gifted) whereas I was in a normal class. Each time I went to the music school, I looked out for him but never seemed to see him again.

Then a few months later, we entered the same music competition together. I got to know he was two years my senior in age, since we were competing in a different category. He played his own composition and won whereas I went by with a consolation prize. Talented guy!

The next time I saw him, was in a cafe in a certain shopping mall a few months later. He was with his friends. My mum was shopping and I was complaining to her that I was tired from walking, so she asked me to go to the nearest cafe to wait for her. When I entered that cafe, I saw him.

That point in time, I was intrigued why I kept seeing him. Was it fate, or just coincidence? Imagine in just a year, I saw him three times, at three different places. The last time I saw him was at a National Day Parade.

My family and I were walking out after the show en route to a shopping mall, and I saw him again, waiting in a corner. That was the last time I ever saw him. The thing is that, I never got to talk to him, yet up to now, I still remember what he looked like. Hmmm... I always have a good memory, which is not a very good thing in a lot of cases.

Come to think of it, I have never once mentioned this former crush to anyone, not even my best friend and guys I have been with. But upon looking back, perhaps it was just as well we never did get to know each other, because he probably never remember me in the first place.

Actually I never knew the reason I had a crush on him. But I guess there is no reason to like someone, is there? Feelings can occur all of a sudden without any notice or warning. But I know that the type of guy I like is someone who is articulate and talented.

Which was why I liked my first two guys so much. Then a friend. Then someone I deemed as potential. Then the latest one. And that was the reason why I never did have such intense feelings for my third guy, as he did not belong in that category.

I am not looking down on anyone. I believe everyone has their own types who they like, and for those who do not make the type, they just simply cannot cut it. Why do we have to settle for second best? We have to be discerning on who we want to be with as it is for the rest of our lives.

Of course, through the years and experiences, I added more criteria and started becoming more and more choosy, which makes me fear perhaps my expectations are really too high after all? Hmmm... but there is still hope I believe, because I have met people who met up, despite how choosy I am.

I can only trust in the Almighty that He will bring me someone I am looking for and whom He deems best for me. There is definitely someone out there looking for me at the same time I am looking for him. I believe once the timing is right, all will fall into place. I deserve to be truly happy too!

Cheating Their Way Through Life

Comments from friends tell me that I seem to be the only one meeting all sorts of dubious characters who just want flings. Perhaps I just happen to be super unlucky, or those characters just happen to pick me at random to try their luck, so to speak?

I do not think I am the only one. I believe there are other girls who meet all kinds of characters too, except perhaps they chose to ignore? Maybe because I get super irritated by such characters which is why I rave and rant? Honestly, is it so hard to find a real normal decent person?

Which got me thinking, do men think girls are to be trifled with? Or do they think girls are easily bullied, which is why they do not hesitate to pull all kinds of stupid stunts? Asking to bed them is one thing, but deliberately lying and playing with one's feelings is another altogether.

I used to think I would never get cheated. But circumstances showed otherwise, and no matter how careful one is, sometimes one got cheated without realising it. Afterall, when you first got to know someone, you would never doubt his words right? Why would someone want to lie or cheat another person deliberately?

But this is not the case all the time. Actually, if I had only been smarter and more conscious and checked out that certain website much earlier, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and despair, because I could have realised the type of person someone was and protected myself from harm.

But who was to know right? I do not lie about my family background and things that happened to me, so of course I have no reason to doubt anyone's words. And there was no indication about his actual status on his physical self, nor did anyone in the company know.

I am not the only one who had been cheated. My friend in England was cheated by her ex-fiance. He is already married, to a foreigner, without her knowledge. His wife was overseas, which gave him all the time to date her (my friend) and found favour with her family. And he was really nice and caring to her and her family members, so she never once doubted his sincerity and love.

But when they were about to get married, he kept delaying the solemnisation. They went ahead to get a flat without the certificate, and even decorated the place. But certain things happened and they broke up, got back together, and finally she made the decision to break up totally.

In the process of selling away the flat, she realised that he actually faked a marriage certificate with his and her name in order to retain the flat. So she made a police report and realised that it was not the first time he committed fraud. Now he is in jail for three years, serves him right!

My best friend has been with a guy who two-timed her, and then she was with another guy who wanted to marry her, but only because he needed to combine salary with someone with a fixed monthly income in order to retain the apartment he bought.

Sometimes I wonder, do some guys have a habit of cheating girls? I may be biased, but I have never heard any accounts of girls cheating guys, always the other way round. I do not mean cheating as in taking the guy as a rebound, or comparing him to her ex, because these are just very minor cases.

Cheating as in lying about one's status, faking credentials, being with someone for an ulterior motive, and being such good actresses that no one ever believed she was a fraud or fake. Somehow only guys seem to be able to achieve their way in cheating.

To some people, they may think it is the stupidity of the girls to fall for these fakers. Well, perhaps I was the stupid one, but I do not think my friends are so stupid. So the only conclusion is that these guys are either such established liars or they have cheated numerous others before that it became a piece of cake to them.

Which makes me wonder, why must people cheat anyway? Do they derive satisfaction in lying to others, and then seeing how miserable others are? How can they claim they love someone and yet in the end turn around to cheat the very same people they claim they love?

Wait.. they are cheats, so probably they do not even mean what they say at all when they declare their love and show their care and concern. No wonder it is getting harder and harder to find a real normal decent guy with so many cheats around.

Which Trip To Go To?

My parents are planning another trip this year. Around May - June, they are thinking of going to Russia. Wow, I told my mum if they are really going to Russia, I want to go too!

Then towards the end of the year, they may want to plan a family trip to New Zealand, where we would rent a car to drive from North to South island. Yeah, New Zealand! A place I always wanted to go to, even before "Lord of the Rings" came out!

The trouble is, I do not have that many leave nor money to go two places in a year. Besides, May will be when a cousin gets married, and my examinations. End of the year will be when my best friend gets married.

Plus, if I go to both places, I may need to come out with at least S$6,000.00 for both, not counting the amount I have to set aside for my course fees next semester. And I need to apply for twenty days leave, which exceeds my current entitlement.

Oh well... perhaps I can only choose to go one. But which one? Both are the places I want to go, yet I cannot make up my mind which one to go to!

Adapting To Situations

After the "complaint" session, I start to wonder, the reason people rave and rant is it because they are afraid they may not be able to cope with things? But it only shows how comfortable they are in their lives and not willing to venture out of the comfort zones, is it not?

Actually come to think of it, in a lot of situations, it depends on how we cope with them. After all, we are the adaptable beings. We cannot expect situations to adapt to us. So if we fear we cannot cope with certain things, then we just have to learn how to adapt and cope.

Like my parents. They struggled with a full-time job and family, and part-time studies too, but they went through all and succeeded. I do not believe it is easy, even for high-achievers and top scorers like them. But they just have to adapt since they made the decision to go through with it.

There are many other situations, like a cousin of mine who divorced her ex-husband a few years back. Suddenly, she became the sole breadwinner, without a companion, bringing up two young kids on her own. Definitely it was a struggle, but she went through it and succeeded.

There are many people in unhappy marriages who are staying on because of the children. No doubt once you marry someone, then stick by it, but it is easier said than done. I do not condone divorce, but then that is not to say I am against those who divorce because when a relationship turns sour, who except the couple in question knows the exact situation?

Sometimes the person could be the right one from the beginning, but people do change along the way. All of a sudden the decent man can start smoking and drinking, or the decent woman can start being bored and feeling neglected. Which is why communication and commitment is so important.

Yet many people rather stay in an unhappy marriage than divorce, as they are worried that if they divorce, then they are not able to start life anew. Like the places the couple has gone together, the support, the companionship.

But when these situations arise, one just have to adapt, is it not? My cousin adapted to a single life and single-income after five years of marriage. Luckily she has a Masters degree and working in a stable government job, so she is at least able to support her family relatively comfortably.

There are those women who are not that educated and depended on their husbands. I had a classmate whose parents divorced when she was already in her late teens. Her mother had been a housewife almost all her life, and when her father left, all forms of financial support were cut off. Her mother lapsed into depression and had to struggle to find a job.

The trying years would always be in the beginning, but after a while, all would be back to normal, since people just have to adapt in order to survive. Just like when two people get together, both have to constantly adapt to each other in order to keep the relationship going, no matter how similar they are and how common their interests are.

Just like when I went to see my counsellor earlier on, as he called me for a feedback on my life so far, on how my situation had become since the last time I went to see him, which was like more than a year back.

I said that I thought breaking up with that jerk would be worse than actually not breaking up, as I was so used to being in a relationship again that if I was to become single again, it would be pretty hard to adapt. Of course, that was not the only reason why I chose not to break up then.

But after a while, when I was frustrated with my job and he was never there for me, when I was unhappy and he never bothered, when I had to contact him more than he contacted me, it just got to me that one day, I decided to just stop contacting him altogether.

And I find that by not contacting him, I realised that I was in fact happier because I did not have to feel frustrated over his noncommittal and vague answers and his distance. Soon, I realised that he did not mean that much to me anymore, and when the last straw came, I was able to just get out like that without much hurt.

And I have been single since then, and enjoying myself going out with other great guys. Even now when I have resolved to move on, I have to accept that I will no longer go out with Mr Amazing anymore, but perhaps soon the time will come when I go out with someone else even better and get to enjoy myself even more?

Thus, we should always be adaptable. Certain things we just have to grit our teeth and go through with it, instead of being stuck in a rut or in an unhappy situation that is not likely to get better. Only be adapting can we grow and learn. Like what Oscar Wilde said, "Experience is the name we give to mistakes made".

The trouble is, not many people I know are willing to break away from a situation. They rather be stuck in it rather than adapting to something different and new altogether.

Another "Complaint" Forum!

I have said lots about our locals in general, mostly in a negative light. Think one of these days I may just be banished from the island altogether for being unpatriotic, in which case I may just join my aunt and uncle in Sydney, or take up sheep farming in New Zealand, or move to the English countryside and be a full-time writer / bed and breakfast owner.

But honestly, the way people behave are really weird! No other words to describe, except for weird. Just like when I was attending a pre-course briefing a few weeks back, the briefing was supposed to be for those who may have questions regarding the structure, or syllabus, or what to expect.

Yet why did it turned out to be a complaint forum, as always? There were people who said they have to struggle with a full-time job, family, and now part-time studies, so if the university is really one who understands the toils of working adults and cater the curriculum accordingly, why do they still have to take on so many modules and the course is so intensive? Furthermore, since it is being conducted part-time, how far will it be recognised as compared to full-time courses?

Erh... since when is any university course not intensive? Even more so since the school has recently (in the past couple of years) been given the status of "fourth university", so all the more the standards of the courses have to be on par with international level, as befitting any reputable university.

Besides, they could choose whether to take up the course, how many modules to take. No doubt one lecture and tutorial session is intensive (three hours or more), but we only need to attend classes once a week if we are only taking one module, as compared to other part-time courses where the classes run everyday or three times a week.

So if they chose to take up the course, chose the number of modules to take up, why complain? We can only take a maximum of two major modules and one minor module per semester anyway. There are other courses in other institutions that require four modules per semester, even for part-time!

Perhaps I am in no position to say anything, since I complain a lot too, but well, if it is something I chose to do, I will proceed with it without any complaints. Just like when I did law, I got to a stage where I was really unhappy, so I chose to quit rather than hold on and then rave and rant.

Even when I was in NIE, I chose to take on more modules and heavy-going subjects and ended up with more assignments and examination papers than my peers, yet I chose to endure and lived with it rather than rave and rant.

So if people have made their choice, why complain so much? If they were not comfortable with the course or structure or syllabus in the first place, they could choose not to enter the course, is it not?

I really admire my parents. When my dad was taking his Masters in Business Administration, my first brother was just born, we just shifted place and he was working in my granduncle's company as a General Manager.

I was still too young to know what was going on, but my mum really supported him. She made sure that his flask of hot water and coffee was at his desk every night, ensured that the desk was cleared and his stationery was intact. I used to see my dad mugging away into the night, while my mum took care of us, supervised my homework, read me stories.

Then when my mum was taking her Masters, complete with a full-time job as a high-ranking government servant, with her daughter in tertiary, her youngest son taking his PSLE and her elder son about to go overseas to study, and her husband always away, I believe it was much harder for her.

So my dad and I helped her as much as we could, by typing and printing out her written assignments (she did all the research and compilation herself of course!), not disturbing her at night and during weekends when she would be studying, and my dad would drive her back from campus and to her tutorial mate's place whenever he was using the car.

Part-time studies is hard, and for those with families, it is even harder. The family support must really be there. At least I am lucky in a way that I do not have the family burden to speak of at this point in time. Perhaps if I ever pursue my Masters or doctorate in the future, will my future partner and family be just as supportive?

Timing Is Everything

Timing is everything. Whether in terms of family or relationship or friends or work. Sometimes there are things which you want to do, but the timing is not right. Or sometimes the timing is right, but you miss the chance due to other reasons.

My eldest cousin (godma) is the best looking of her family. She is also the most talented, the only one who went overseas to specialise in music and early childhood education. She is also a bubbly, smiley type who never has anything negative to say about anyone.

Yet she is single, in her late fourties. She is lucky that she has many siblings and nieces and nephews. When I see her alone sometimes, my heart goes out to her, and it makes me more determined not to end up single and alone.

But she had her own share of romance. Years back, she was with this guy, who is filial, respectful and caring. Everyone thought they would get married. His mum was hospitalised, and she went to the hospital everyday to see her and took care of her.

Then when his mum died, he told her that he had decided to be a priest. So that was it. Now I know why she never married. It was not as if she did not have other romances after that, but somehow she never found her soulmate again.

I realise that timing is very important when it comes to relationships. Like what a colleague had mentioned, you must meet the right person at the right time, otherwise all is futile. There have been cases where two people meet and get together, but somehow the timing is not right, and they broke up.

But some time later they got back together again. Maybe that was the right time for them. My best friend's time came around mid 2006. My parents' time were early, and they were each other's first loves too.

Sometimes we meet people who may be right for us, but too bad that person is already attached or married. Just like in "Bridges of Madison County", he told her that this kind of feelings come but only once in a lifetime, but she chose her family and responsibility over her love for him.

Now, if it is me, what would I have done? A man would not have hesitated to give up his wife and kids for another lady, especially a younger and prettier one. Okay, I know I am generalising again, but this seems to be the case quite often.

Whereas for a woman, no matter how neglected she feels in her marriage, no matter how the other man can make her heart skip a beat and bring back all the romance in her life, she will somehow still choose her family over him.

I guess at the end of it all, once you make the choice, stick with it. Especially when a family is involved, when there are kids, even when you have been staring at the same boring man for years.

Romance and a charismatic man is exciting and interesting, but at the end of it all, the affair will still be short-lived, because in general, a woman will never leave her family to run away with a man, no matter how much he rekindles her passion for love and romance.

As it is, if I ever get married, it will be to someone I deem as the best. It does not necessarily mean he is the best in everyone's eyes. Of course there will always be better choices, but at the end of it all, once I have made my choice, so be it, especially for someone like me who is so discerning and choosy, so the person I settle down with must be someone amazing in the first place.

Which is why I say timing is everything. If I meet a right someone at the right time when the timing is right, then all others that come after that will be at the wrong time, is it not? Just like in my previous experiences.

To some, perhaps I came into their lives too early, and they came into my life too late. Or I came into their lives too late, and they came into my life too early. So for now, since my time is not right yet, I shall just play a waiting game and see when will God land the right person in front of me at the right time.

Irony At Work

It is true that anything can happen in this world. Just last week, my boss managed to convince me to stay on in the company as he really needs me around, when today he told me that he has resigned.

I was the one contemplating to quit since last December, and it took him one hour to enlighten me on why I should not quit, when he himself decides to leave. Now that he is going to leave, I cannot leave anymore otherwise there will be no one in the department who has worked long enough to know what is going on.

The sense of irony really sickens me.