Not In A Joyful Mood

December already. Just a mere thirty more days to the start of another year. Normally around this time, I will be in a highly-strung Christmas mood. Yet this time round, somehow I feel Christmas is not all around.

Is it because I have outgrown the festive mood? Or is it because I still have some personal issues not fully resolved, thus feel more heavy-hearted and not able to immerse in the joys of the giving season?

There is an adage that time will heal all wounds. If I am to be really cynical, I will say whoever came up with this saying had no idea what he (she?) was talking about. Certain things are not to be so easily forgotten, especially if the one that has been hurt is yourself.

Even if given time to recover, how long? Days, months, years? I am still recovering from scars of old, scars of years ago, and with more scars in recent times to open up the old scars, everything will just keep bouncing.

There are some who said I do not pray enough. It is always about praying about my problems, but if that can really solve matters, people will not have frustrations already. Prayer gives peace to a certain extent, but how can one truly forget one's hurts?

It is always about turning the other cheek. But the thing is if someone hurts you to such an extent that you go boiling mad, can you really turn the other cheek? We are just humans, and human nature is such that revenge is always in the mind.

It is jolly well to ignore, to not go down to the level of shallow and narrow-minded people, but who will actually do that? Chances are people will want to fight back. Those who chose to ignore and not fight back are labelled as cowards and escaping from reality. Maybe that is how all the wars started in the first place.

There is also another saying that sticks and stones will break one's bones, but words will never hurt. Again, I find that ridiculous! Words, or emotional damage, seems to be the worst form. Physical damage can be cured, but emotional damage will follow through for a very long time.

Perhaps because I am the type that live more on my heart than my head, thus I feel so much more than others, and always get emotionally swayed. Since young whenever I was teased or bullied in school, I would quarrel or fight back.

It was my mum who told me that people want to see me angry and irritated, which was why they started the teasing in the first place, as it would be fun to see me cry. She said to just ignore and not let anything affect me, and all would die down.

All did die down in the end, but it was only because we went to different classes. I went to a better class where the students were only interested in studying and doing well for the examinations than anything else. Even then, when I met my former classmates and greeted them, they would walk by, pretending not to know me.

Or maybe it is just that I am not a people-person. How does one become a people-person anyway? Is it in born, or trained from young? Most people-oriented persons I have come across always have a few traits.

One, they are bold and friendly. Shyness is not in their vocabulary. Two, they are bubbly and attractive, and people just flock to them. They just have that X-factor, and will have lots of friends. Three, there is just something in them that make them well-liked by everyone they meet.

I am definitely not like that, probably because my family is not like that. Perhaps my youngest brother has the potential to become a well-liked person, because he knows how to curry favour. But for me, I do not believe in that. I believe in saying it like it is, instead of being hypocritical.

Plus the fact that I am so weird. I crave for the arts, culture, charity. I go for artistic shows, not action. I love the opera, theatre, musicals and museum. I listen to slow rock, ballad, new age, classical and soothing love songs, not hard rock, disco and heavy metal.

I state reading, writing, film-watching and singing as my favourite hobbies, not shopping, running, clubbing and dining out. When I go travelling, I love to see the sights, architecture, attractions, immersing in the history and culture and taking nice photographs, not to sleep, eat or shop.

Is it a wonder why I treasure the few close friends I do have? And guard my blog so fiercely? My closest friends are those who have stuck by me through thick and thin, not like the fair-weathered ones I have dropped lately. And I want to have an outpouring of my thoughts and feelings without anyone making any personal attacks on me, or worse, accuse me of plagiarising.

In the first place, plagiarising means copy word for word, paragraph for paragraph, punctuation for punctuation. It means lifting up from somewhere and putting down whole-scale what another person wrote without any form of acknowledgement.

If I did not do that, then I have not plagiarised. Besides, if I do want to copy, I would have copied from everyone, I need not focus on one person just to copy. It just happened that similarities do occur, no matter people believe or not.

There is a possibility that two people who lead different lives think alike and have some similar experiences. I do have different friends who do not know each other, yet have parallel life experiences. And I do know different people who think the same way and have the same interests. Does it mean they copy from each other?

Which is why I do not want to comment or fight back, because I know it is no use. The more I fight, it will only show that I am guilty, otherwise why would I be so defensive over what others say?

Of course I am hurt over all the wrongful accusations. But the damage is done by some other people. I can choose to be defensive and create a cyber row, or I can just choose to ignore and let others think what they like. One cannot please everyone. So in certain cases, ignorance is bliss.

Blogs Of Business ....

These blogs are more than just journals or general issues. They provide a service through blogging. What an idea actually. A pity I am not proficient in anything, otherwise I can use my blog to help generate extra income for me.

I went through a few local sites and these are what I have found :

1. A chocoholic's dream - customised and personalised chocolate, all online! Finally, I can have my own personalised chocolate and chocolate candy jar as well!

2. A jewellery haven - beads, necklaces, earrings, bracelets, bangles. All the bling bling, homemade and crafted so exquisitely. I can now order jewellery online, instead of going around to source, yet not able to find any nice ones.

Incidentally, the lady blogger-cum-jewellery-maker was interviewd by the Straits Times last Sunday, for her online business.

A pity I am not able to find any good online clothing or bags store. How I wish I can find intricate designs for bags online as well!

Financial Planning ....

The apartment we were staying in before we shifted into our current home is going to be sold off. Actually, my parents once told me that will be part of my dowry when I get married, but now they are selling it away.

It does not matter to me actually. If I am to have my own place, I rather buy it on my own than to get it from my parents. My exs never know about this as I never told them, as I wanted them to be with me because they really wanted to be with me, not because they thought I would be inheriting any property if we got married.

Anyway, my parents thought it would be more worth it to sell off the apartment instead of just renting out the place, especially since we had tenants that defaulted and ran away, leaving my dad to pick up all the utilities debts. And it will be going at a rather hefty sum, twice the original amount than when my parents first bought the place. What a profit!

Still, it was not as much as the profit my parents made when they sold off the first house before we bought our current home. They sold that off at ten times the amount they orignially purchased the place. That house initially belonged to my paternal grandparents.

When my dad got married, my parents bought it over from them. The property prices accelerate over the years. That house is a two-storey semi-detached house with an all-round garden. My grandparents bought it for a small four-figure sum.

My parents then bought it for another four-figure sum, but when the house was sold off, it was purchased at a five-figure sum. My parents really know how to make use of their fixed assets and convert them into big amounts of liquid assets! I really have to learn about investment and better financial planning and management from my parents.

Just as well I met up with my financial planner last night. After a review of my policies, it turns out that I am doing pretty well for myself. Hopefully in a couple of years I can at least get my own property!

Feelings Of Betrayal

I have been trying to check if my suspicions are unfounded. And when I start to analyse evidence, have my suspicions and instincts thrown in, in most cases it turn out to be true. This always occurs in any of the "mock" criminal cases I had been doing, as well as those detective stories I read. I always have a feeling that I know who the criminal is, and often than not I turn out to be right.

But this is real life. And in reality, not everything happen the way we want to. So far, there is no concrete proof. However this person had been reading my blog frequently, would ask me to write more and expressed concern if I did not update my blog for a few days, said had been inspired and learnt from what I have written.

Now that I have changed my link for a week, there has been no word asking where my blog disappeared to. If people really do intend to check, I believe they would find a way somehow, but now that my blog has "shifted" again, and this time I did not disclose my new page to this person, my days seem more peaceful and no more trouble, or rather, I am keeping my fingers crossed that there will be no more trouble.

In this case, does it not show that this person could be guilty? Even if this person was not the nasty anonymous commentor, but the leak of my webpage could come from this source, whether by goodwill or not. Otherwise how would it explain that by some remarkable coincidence, people this person keeps in contact with got to know my webpage and personal particulars if it was only given to a few people whom I trust, and whom I pleaded for privacy?

Granted a leak may not be the case as well. Perhaps people happened to track my IP address, hacked into both my office and home computers and extracted my particulars from there. I am no IT expert, so I am not sure if that is even remotely possible, especially since I clear my cache quite frequently.

I have tried searching blogger and google for my blog previously, but seems like it could not be found, even if I typed in the exact address, the title and my nickname. Anyway, this article did mention that once a person marks the blog private from the host site, it will be removed from search engines and the hosting sites.

Of course, there is always a remote chance that anyone could have stumbled in. But then, why was it so coincidental this particular group of people happened to know not just my previous url (when I changed it and marked it private so they would have no access in the first place), but also my full name and the nick I used to sign in?

And only this particular person happened to keep in contact with some of them. So could I be justified in thinking that there might be a leak? Or is there a way to find out? Can people find out my personal particulars through searching, or site feed or IP addresses?

I am not openly accusing anyone. I am just stating my suspicions. I hope more than anything else that this person is innocent and not involved, as I still cannot believe that someone I know and trust and who knows me will ever resort to something like this. But if it really is this person, then I am really deeply hurt.

This person and I have chatted, exchanged messages and emails, gone out a few times, helped out each other. This person, of all people, would know exactly how I write, the way I write, my thoughts and views, the books and songs I like, how I feel towards love, relationships and others.

So how can this person gang up with others to slander me and the way I write? It may or may not be who I think it is, but whatever it is, I take it as a lesson learnt, not to place my misguided trust so readily in anyone ever again.

Going NUTS?

Received this from a friend. A speech (or essay) by the great CEO of our home-grown Creative Technologies. I find it really meaningful and so true! This is a little long though. Let's hope that we will never become NUTS!

Excerpts from No U-Turn Syndrome (NUTS)
Chaotic Thoughts from the Old Millenium

In the US, when there is no sign on the road, it means that you can make a U-turn. When the authority do not want people to make U-turns, they will put up signs to tell you not to make U-turns.

In Singapore, it is the reverse. When there is no sign on the road, you are not allowed to make U-turns. When the authority allow you to make U-turns, then they will put up signs to give you that right.

The two different systems serve the same purpose - to better manage the traffic. They may look quite similar, just coming from different direction, but the social repercussion is significant.

In Singapore, the no U-turn without sign culture has permeated every level of our thinking and every segment of our life. This no U-turn has created a way of life that is based on rules. When there is a U-turn sign or when there is a rule, we can U-turn. When there is no sign, we cannot U-turn. When there is no rule, we cannot do anything. We become paralyzed.

I call this "no-rule=no-do" phenomenon - the "No U-Turn Syndrome" or NUTS. Singapore has prospered under a rule-based system for many years. When we were at a lower level of development, we needed many multi-national companies to come to Singapore to invest.

What these MNCs needed were a very reliable group of managers and workers who could follow exactly the rules set by corporate headquarters overseas. Since they did not want their overseas subsidiaries to innovate anything, they wanted us to stick closely to the rules, no funny deals, no crazy ideas.

They were here to teach us, not to listen to ideas from us. The efficiency and no-nonsense style of the Singapore government is well-known. It has brought us prosperity and a good life. A rule-based system is essential here too to get everybody to toe the line. But the world has changed. And it is changing faster and faster. So fast that the rules that were set yesterday are no longer valid and cannot serve our new needs.

It is not a matter of setting new rules to meet the new situation because by the time new rules are formulated, they would already be out of date. It is a matter of how to survive and prosper in environments where they are no rules. It is a matter of how to live with ambiguity. Things are no more black or white, things are in shades of gray. How do we deal with them?

What is NUTS?

NUTS is when you want to do something and you seek the approval of a higher authority.

When there is no rule saying that you can do such a thing, then the standard answer is NO.

What is wrong with this?

There is nothing wrong if we choose to be stuck in the old world of our own where nothing changes.

To meet the challenge of the new world, to meet the challenge of rising to a knowledge-based economy, we have to innovate like mad.

How can we innovate when we need to obey rules to innovate?

Innovate means to create things out of nothing, it means moving into uncharted territories where there are no rules.

How can you innovate when you have to get approval of somebody who looks at a rule-book first?

Such is the syndrome of NUTS.

NUTS is everywhere in the society including schools, offices, hospitals, parks, factories and even in our homes.

Yes, in Creative (Singapore) too.

Here are some hilarious examples, they make you want to laugh and cry at the same time. I am sure you can tell me more.

When our corporate headquarters were completed in 1997, we needed to give it a name. The placeholder name was Creative Technology Centre. Made sense, but it was a boring name that everybody had. I wanted a special name, because we are "creative".

So the usual names like, "Creative Building, Plaza, Complex, House..." were suggested on the name list. I rejected all of them. Finally we came out with a very good name, "Creative Resource" the source of all creativity - and everybody loved it.

But wait, before we could go ahead, we had to submit the building name for approval. What! I was shocked. I needed somebody else"s approval for the name of my own building. By some faceless committee that I did not even know existed. Imagine having the name of your baby being approved by somebody you do not know. Hey, that is the regulation.

OK, we submitted and no prize for guessing the right answer. The answer was NO. The reason given was that the name was not "Centre, Plaza, Building, Complex, House etc..." There was actually a list of approved names in the rulebook and we were only given the impression that we could name our own building.

I nearly jumped through the roof when I heard the answer. It was a very typical case of NUTS. "Resource" was not in their rule book, hence the standard answer was NO. I was not going to give up on this right. So we fought back and wrote letters to appeal. Finally, after a long process, our name was approved. Whew!

While we were preparing for the opening ceremony of Creative Resource, we wanted to have a lot of creative fun. We prepared a lot of performances by our own staff. We were very fortunate to have invited the (then) Prime Minister to grace the event. We wanted to show him the best creativity in us.

The opening fanfare idea was to have a big group of kids running into the building, singing a medley of Patriotic Singapore Songs. It was going to be very delightful. After the songs were arranged and recorded, at the last moment, someone in the team decided that we actually needed to seek approval from the authority because of copyright issues.

The answer came back was of course a NO. There was no rule to say that you could do a medley of Singapore songs. There was a rule that said we could sing the Singapore song in special celebratory occasions like ours, so this was allowed.

Our people started to panic, because there was no time to change the recordings. They sought my advice. They were thinking of canceling this delightful anfare and disappointing the kids, from our Creative child-care centre, who had practiced so hard for this event.

I asked them why hey had thought of seeking approval for a private function especially when the answer could be a No. They were afraid that the TV stations were there filming and it might have constituted a copyright infringement!

There were a few NUTS at work here. First it is my own staff who were NUTS, they were toeing the line so tightly that they felt the need to seek approval for a private function that was not controversial at all. I was sure that the PM would give his 100% endorsement. Then we had the NUTS at the approval side who looked at the rule book and said No.

I asked them to go ahead and just do it, even violating the rejection letter. Some of my NUTS staff must have freaked out. I told them I would bear the full responsibility. If I had to pay a S$2000 fine, I would pay it.

In the worst case I might go to jail for it - that would be interesting too. In fact, the PM in his impromptu part of his speech also said, to move forward, we would have to "just do it". It was a timely message.

Recently, Creative had just spent a few million dollars investing heavily in a company. The key person in the company was needed urgently to launch a new ".com" project that could be worth a lot more in the future.

In the era of the Internet, timing is everything. Then suddenly, he told me that he needed to go for reservist during the critical period. This meant that his whole team could be crippled because his leadership was not there.

I told him that there should not be a problem, as he could always apply for a deferment. In fact, the Deputy Prime Minister has told me in the Technopreneur 21 committee that, reservist duties should not hinder Technopreneurship because the affected reservist could apply for deferment and it would be considered favourably.

So the staff wrote a letter to apply for deferment. It was rejected. I told him to write an appeal, mentioning Creative"s involvement and all the relevant and valid reasons for such critically needed deferment.

It was still rejected and we were running out of time. I guess I had to step in. I wrote the letter personally again, citing all the reasons and the ".com" time-critical factors. It was still rejected. I was very upset by this. It was already the last working day before he had to go in-camp.

I had to call the officer personally. I identified myself, including my role in the Technopreneur 21 committee and appealed for the fourth time. The answer was still NO. After all the reasons were given, the answer was still NO. Well, they had liberalized then - if you were a new employee of a company, the deferment would be allowed.

I argued strenuously that the key person was more than a new employee. He was a new employee of a company for which we had spent millions to acquire. No! An acquisition does not constitute the equivalent of a new employee.

A new employee IS a new employee. Period. The rule book never said that the people in a new acquisition are new employees. Therefore they are not "new employees", regardless of the fact that their employee status are the same in principle. It does not matter if you are Sim Wong Hoo or the T21 chairman.

NUTS is NUTS.
It almost drove me NUTS!

Fortunately, I heard from some people that I would get a better chance if I were to call the unit Commanding Officer. I asked for his name and phone number and the officer obliged. I managed to track down the CO on his handphone at the very last minute. The CO was an understanding man because he was also a reservist and in the computer line. The deferment was finally granted.

We had our equal share of NUTS in Creative and they really drove me NUTS because they actually happened right on my head, the CEO of the company. Such is the persistence and universality of NUTS.

First example, the time I needed some CD-ROM replicated for some last-minute projects. I knew I had time because, we had an in-house CD-ROM replication plant and it would have taken less than one day to finish the job, especially my small little job of a few hundred pieces. But when my assistant came back, she told me helplessly that they needed a one-week lead-time.

I almost jumped off my chair. This was a rush job for the CEO and they just threw back their standard lead-time at me, it was clearly written in their rule-book that the standard lead-time was one week - for a rush job. So one week was what you would get even if you were the CEO of the company, even if your jobwas very important.

I asked them who set the rules? They were the ones who set the rules! I was amazed how NUTS they were. Then change the rules, I told them. Finally they did it for me in two days.

There were several of such examples within Creative. And the managers sometimes fought with me because that was the only way they could ensure the quality of the products. Quality is good when we are shipping products to customers.

But when we need to rush, it is always during the early stages of engineering run, where we need a lot of samples to test. Quality then becomes secondary and time is primary. Staff with a NUTS mentality would not have the flexibility to do such a switch, unless you make another rule. And you can only live within the new rules.

The second example in Creative has to do with customer support. Creative pride ourselves as a company that provides the best technical support.

All our staff know that. We have 400 people in Oklahoma USA, just listening to phone calls alone. We have a small technical/customer support team in Singapore serving only the small Singapore market. The team is hardworking and dedicated to the company. In general, their service is good and efficient - when there are rules.

There was once when I received a customer's letter addressed to me complaining about our customer support department (CSD) with regards to a missing CD from our product. Our CSD insisted that the customer get the CD from his dealer who sold him the PC with our product. And the customer attached the letters of exchange.

It was such a minor issue but I felt customer satisfaction was most important. So I wrote a small note and asked them to give him the CD and be done with it. CD-ROMs are very cheap anyway. A few weeks later, I received another letter from this furious customer complaining that our CSD wanted to charge him like $15 for the CD because it was the responsibility of the dealer to give it to him. And he attached even more letters for me to read.

I was very upset this time because, what could have been a very simple and pleasant customer support issue, costing the company less than $1 for the CD-ROM if people in CSD had just given it to him in the first place, now potentially cost the company a bomb.

Firstly, the CSD's time to write all those letters of exhange, they are way, way over $1. But because of NUTS, our CSD people did not see it. They are just trying to follow rules when there are no rules in such situation.

Secondly, the CEO's time. I had to read about ten letters two times to figure out the gist of it all. It must have cost the company thousands of dollars. And even after my first instruction to just give him the CD-ROM, they still went into a cat and mouse chase to try to ask him to pay $15. Someone in CSD probably set the rule that if a customer wanted an extra CD-ROM, it would cost him $15 - that is it, regardless of the plight of the customer.

Thirdly, the most expensive part - the harm it had done to our brand name. A potentially unhappy customer would hurt the company way beyond the customer. He would tell all his friends not to buy from the company. But people with NUTS mentality could not see beyond the rules. They could not see that a $1 CD-ROM was much, much cheaper than their own time, their CEO's time and the value of the brand name.

I had to call all the three persons involved in this case to my office and explain to them very slowly about our principle of customer support. You could not fault them for dedication, they were trying to make an extra $15 for the company. Not seeing the big picture of how much more it would cost the company.

I had told them that for us, the customer's interest is always in the #1 position. I told them that they were the "customer's advocates" - they had to be fighting with me for their customer's interest, rather than the other way round.

Finally, I told them to call up the customer directly, apologize and give him the CD-ROM he wanted and ensure that the customer was 100% satisfied. If the customers are not satisfied - we should not take their money.

We are moving faster and faster into many uncharted territories, where there are no rules. We do not want to be paralyzed by waiting for the rule to be formulated before moving - it will be too late.

We have to discard our NUTS mentality and learn to live in a new world where there are no clear rules. Not that it will be a cowboy lawless land. There will be broad guiding principles such as common goals, objectives and basic integrity to follow. The rest, we have to look at the big picture and decide what is the best way to do a job, to achieve our goals.

Jewel In The Palace

Currently, I am hooked on the Korean show "Jewel In The Palace". Perhaps people may think I am a loser for watching this type of show, but this show did not generate excellent reviews for nothing. Everything from the plot to the cast to the acting to the sets is excellent!

Actually my parents and relatives watched the show last year on DVD, and they wanted t0 get me interested too, but at that point in time, the only Korean show I ever watched is "Winter Sonata". Recently, to satisfy my curiosity on why the Jewel show caused such a hype, I started watching it.

I have only watched twenty episodes so far, and already I am hooked! The show is excellent from the start! It is so captivating that one wants to keep going! And I get to learn good tips in cooking and the different types of Korean cuisine.

Now I know what makes a good cook. Although it is a show, but what the supervisor said to the kitchen maid was really useful. She said that there are two qualities that determine a good cook.

One, to be able to feel the taste from your fingers. Some are born with this natural ability, some achieve it only through lots of trial and error. When the food goes through your hands, you must be able to know which food goes with which so as to bring out the taste.

Two, the ability to mix and match ingredients. Not many people have this ability. This means that without even tasting, the person somehow know what ingredients are used to prepare the food, and which things will make the food taste better.

For instance, most people will choose to use plain water to prepare soup, but someone gifted in the second ability will know how to use spring or mineral water instead, as that tastes sweeter. Essentially, cooking goes with one's own gut feeling on which are the best ingredients to use to prepare a certain type of food, and some people are just able to feel it better than others.

And from this show, I have another idol - Officer Min aka Ji Jin Hee!

And this is what he looks like in real life.

Not forgetting my other idols :

And of course, my ultimate favourite - the one and only Yong-sama!

My First Squash Lesson

I had my first Squash lesson on Friday evening, and it went pretty well. The coach is a jolly man, kind and fatherly. There are four of us, all girls, and I am the oldest, since the rest are teenagers or young adults.

Apparently Squash originated from Britain, so it is not a popular game as the Americans did not take it up. The coach told us that anything the Americans take up, like tennis or golf, it will become famous the world over. I wonder just how true that is?

The first lesson was a briefing on the rules and regulations of Squash, choosing a right racquet and how to hold a racquet. There are many similarities to tennis. The way we grip the racquet is the same. Also, the lighter the racquet, the easier it is to control the ball.

There is also the forehand, backhand, and even the way the ball is bounced and served is the same as tennis. However, Squash seems much easier to master as compared to tennis since the racquet and balls are smaller, hence easier to manoevre.

This will be a crash course. We will be mastering Squash in just five lessons, twice a week. Which means I will have completed the lessons by end of next week. Hopefully I can learn to play by then, otherwise have to go through the course again!

Right, But Not Happy ....

Is it better to be right but not happy? Or is it better to be happy but not right? What is right and what is wrong anyway? What we know as right and wrong has been inculcated in us since young, and why is that so? Because society (and generations before us) deem certain things as right and acceptable behaviour, and others as wrong and unacceptable behaviour.

For instance, is it wrong to love a person wholeheartedly, unconditionally and senselessly? Must I love someone just because everyone deems him as "right" for me? Right in what sense anyway? In terms of qualifications, career, social status?

Why can I not love someone just because everyone deems him as "wrong" for me? Wrong in what sense? Just because he has no money or career or has a complicated history? If I am to love someone based on this, then there will never be a "right" person, because there will always be people with better qualifications, better career and higher social status.

There have been a lot of things I have done "right", in a lot of people's eyes. But frankly, I am not really happy after I have done them. I prefer to do what is termed as "wrong" but I will be happy.

For instance, people say that it is right to be in the science stream, right to go to university and get a degree, right to take up a certain type of job. But what they want is not what I want, yet I have never really lived life the way I wanted.

Thus I have been unhappy in some ways. There have been so many things I regretted doing, and regretted not doing. And looking back, if I have done (or not done) all those things, perhaps I would have been looked down upon, would have been labelled as a rebel, but I would have been happy!

Of course, I am not saying that anything that makes one happy is definitely right. If people are to take up smoking or drugs or gambling or a die-hard alcoholic, then that is wrong as it is not just hazardous to one's own health, it is also a big turn-off to others around them. What harms others will never be right, and should not be condoned.

What I am saying is that people deem being a professional like a lawyer or doctor or engineer or accountant, is the "right" thing to do, and not things like a musician or artist or in the performing arts or having a career taking care of animals. But I would rather give up all the "right" jobs and do something "wrong" in their eyes as I would have been happier.

And people tell me that someone like me would be better off being with someone who is more professional, as that would be the "right" person for me. But all the money in the world, or how highly-qualified the person is, will not count for anything if he is not able to make me happy or trigger off strong feelings in me.

Must I do the "right" things just so others can be happy? Can I not do the "wrong" things and make myself happy? Is it more important to live life for others or for myself? At the risk of sounding terribly selfish and self-centred, at times I wonder is it better to make myself happy instead of bothering so much how others view me or expect of me?

A Tennis Player, Of Sorts

I am going for my first Squash lesson tonight. And I have no idea what the game is about save that it will be in an indoor court, the ball is hit towards the wall and will bounce back very fast, so my reflexes will have to be really quick.

I hope it will not be a disaster like my first tennis class. I took up Beginner's Tennis twice, and Intermediate once, but since I have not played for a while, I wonder if I am still able to serve the ball?

My first tennis course was a disaster. I am not sure whether it is because I am really clumsy, or my instructor did not do a good job. It was a beginner's class, so I was a real beginner. I had no idea how to even hold the racquet properly, let alone throw the ball!

The rest of those in the class seemed to have a little background, since they know how to serve properly and hold the racquet in the fore hand position. Thus I was like the odd one out, since the rest of them were able to team up and started playing doubles.

The coach asked why was it I had no tennis background. If I had, I would not be taking the class, would I? Why would it be called a Beginner's Tennis class if those taking the class know how to play tennis?

So I was made to hit the ball against the wall until I could bounce the ball off my racquet. She did not even tell me how to hit properly, just bouncing my ball on my racquet. She concentrated on the rest in the class and totally neglected me. So for eight weeks, all I did was to bounce the ball back and forth from my racquet to the wall.

The worst thing was that even the rest of the class ostracised me. They were allowed breaks in between but not me. Once when the ball accidentally bounced off my racquet and rolled towards a lady's foot, she kicked up a big fuss and scolded me for not aiming the ball properly! Was it not enough that I was already left out in the class, and then had to subject myself to such treatment?

I was so glad the class ended! The next class I took I made sure it was under another coach. This time the coach was really good! She showed me the right way to hold a racquet and to bounce the ball, and even told me the racquet I had (which belonged to my first brother) was not suitable for me as it was too heavy, thus I would not be able to serve properly.

She recommended me to get a beginner's lady's power serve racquet, then she said she had a second-hand racquet to spare and asked if I would be interested. After that, she told me that we could arrive in the court half an hour earlier so she could let me practice my serves.

And I really learnt a lot under her. I managed to learn how to serve, toss, the fore hand, backhand, playing doubles. That is what I call a real instructor. In the first place, could my first coach not know that my racquet was not suitable?

Hopefully my Squash coach tonight would be like my second tennis instructor, someone patient, dedicated and made sure his students are able to learn the game.

"Acting" Legal Counsel ....

My boss, the Assistant Vice-President of the Group Legal Department, will be leaving the company. His last day is tomorrow.

Now, the Legal Counsel has also tendered her resignation, with her last day being the fourteenth of December.

Which means I am the only one left running the entire Legal department. What am I going to do? I am not qualified to give any advice, and it may be some time later that the new lawyers come in.

At times like this, how I wish I have continued studying law instead.

Slimming Progress

I am now almost half-way through my slimming treatment, and the results are pretty good to say the least.

Number of sessions so far : 24

Inch loss : 1 inch from waist, gain 1 inch at chest (how did I manage to gain weight there?)

Weight loss : 5 kg

So if I finish the treatment, perhaps I can drop another 5 kg and can then be at my ideal weight!

By the way, I am starting Squash lessons tomorrow. It was a last-minute thing. All I did was to enquire about Squash lessons, but nobody got back to me. And the next thing I knew was that the coach himself told me last night that if I am still interested, the lessons will start tomorrow.

It will be just five lessons of two hours each, every Monday and Friday, which means I only need to spend two weeks and will complete the course. I have gotten permission from my cousin to borrow her racquet, but I need to get my own racquet too. If only I know which one to get!

Just as well the lessons are starting at this time, otherwise if they are starting next year, I may not have the time already since my school term is starting as well.

Why The Change Again?

The question on most people's lips I suppose would be why did I change my link again? Various reasons. One is that I find the previous name a little too long, and like something shorter. Another is that I like this current name better.

But the main reason is that I think I finally found out who a certain anonymous person is. If my gut feeling is right, then I am really disappointed, hurt and betrayed, because I trusted this person implicitly and explicitly.

I took this person as my confidante, and shared most of my secrets. This person comforted and advised me as a friend, showed intolerance and disgust at anonymous cowards, yet in the end (if I am right) not only attacked me under the cloak of anonymity, but leaked my url to some other people whom I wish no access to my blog.

It is just a suspicion, and I may be wrong too, but it still does not deny that all circumstantial evidence points to this person. I am entitled to my own suspicions as and when things go wrong, although I really hope and wish that my suspicions are unfounded as I do not wish to believe that someone I take as a good friend can ever do this. The last thing I want to do is to accuse an innocent person, because I know jolly well the feeling of being wrongly accused.

But it still does not deny the fact that as a result, my name has been blackened and condemned. In the first place, if people do not like what I write, why not tell me straight? Why do they have to broadcast my full name, nick name, old and new url in CAPS in another person's blog, with slanderous remarks, and driving unwanted traffic to my blog? What can those people achieve by slandering me in public?

Of course, if I want a blog, I have to accept there is no absolute privacy, like what my friend Addy has remarked. And due to the internet being so widely accessible, there will always be people who have nothing better to do than assume things and give slanderous remarks.

Which is why I removed my blog from blogger listings and google search and disclosed my link to just a few trusted people. This makes it harder to be widely accessible. If people happened to search and stumble in, it is ok, but I do not wish people to come in by publicly broadcasting my personal particulars to all and sundry.

If people come in already with a negative impression, it does not help matters and I will never be spared from all the cyber stalkers and bullies around. I have enough up my sleeve without having to deal with all these all over again.

But the main thing is that my conscience is clear, which is why I do not need to explain those slanderous remarks. Others can think what they like. In this case, people will then question : is it still necessary to make my blog private?

Yes. Although I cannot stop all the negative remarks going around simply because some people are malicious, still I can restrict who can access my blog. In this way, I can stop those who deliberately like to create a havoc in my blog. Afterall, if others do not wish to stop all the defamatory remarks, the only thing I can do is to restrict it myself.

To A Special Someone ....

Remember our songs? A little dedication on this day (notice the date?), plus one more extra thrown in. All reflect how I feel about you! And incidentally, I put on a certain ringtone just for you!

Love, Me (Collin Raye)

I read a note my Grandma wrote
back in 1923.
Grandpa kept it in his coat
and he showed it once to me.

He said, "Boy you might not understand,
but a long long time ago,
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none,
but I love your Grandma so."

We had this crazy plan to meet
and run away together.
Get married in the first town we came to
and live forever.

But nailed to the tree where we were
supposed to meet instead
I found this letter
and this is what it said.

(Chorus)
"If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be.

But I'm not gonna let you down,
Darling, wait and see.
And between now and then
Till I see you again

I'll be loving you,
Love, me."

I read those words just hours before
my Grandma passed away.
In the doorway of the church where
me and Grandpa stopped to pray.

I know I've never seen him cry
in all my fifteen years.
But as he said these words to her
his eyes filled up with tears.

(Repeat Chorus)

More Than Words (Extreme)

(Intro)
Saying I love you
is not the words
I want to hear from you.
It's not that I want you
not to say
but if you only knew.

Ho-ow ea-sy
It would be to
show me how you feel
More than words
is all you have to do
to make it real

Then you wouldn't have to
say that you love me
cos I'd already know.

(Bridge)
What would you do
if my heart was
torn in two?
More than words
to show you feel
that your love for me is real

What would you say
if I took those words away?
Then you couldn't
make things new
Just by saying
I love you.

(Repeat Intro 2x)

Now that I've tried to talk to you
and make you understand
All you have to do is
close your eyes and
just reach out your hands
and touch me

Hold me close
don't ever let me go
More than words
is all I ever
needed you
to show

Then you wouldn't have to
say you love me
cos I'd already know.

In Love With You (Jacky Cheung and Regine Valesquez)

Just a gentle whisper
told me that you'd gone.
Leaving only memories
where did we go wrong?

I couldn't find the words then
so let me say them now
I'm still in love with you.

Tell me that you love me
tell me that you care.
Tell me that you need me
and I'll be there
I'll be there waiting ....

I will always love you
I will always stay true
There's no one who
loves you like I do
Come to me now ....

I will never leave you
I will stay here with you
Through the good and bad
I will stand true
I'm in love with you ....

Now we're here together
yesterday has past.
Life is just beginning
close to you at last.

And I promise to you
I will always be there.
I give my all
to you ....

Living life without you
is more than I can bear
Hold me close forever
and I'll be there
I'll be there for you ....

I will always love you
I will always stay true
No one else will love you
like I do
this I promise

I will never leave you
I will stay here with you.
Through the good and bad
I will stand true
hold me closer

Our love is forever
holding us together
Nothing in this world
can stop us now ....

Love has found a way .....

Taking Up Driving Again ....

This is it! I am going to take up driving lessons again! And now hopefully I can finally learn how to drive before I hit the big three-o.

When I was young, I wanted to drive so much. I could not wait to hit behind the wheel! Then after a very bad experience with a certain driving instructor, plus the traffic problem especially during peak hours and the high cost of a car, and the fact that it was so hard for me to pass, I decided it was not worth pursuing a licence since our own public transport system is relatively convenient.

So what convinced me now? Various reasons.

1. Driving is a skill that follows throughout the lifetime. Once you master it, it will not be forgotten, at least that is what people tell me. And I always like to learn new skills.

2. I do not need anyone to chauffeur me around. I can drive myself around if need be if the place I am going to is too inconvenient even for public transport.

3. A car brings you from one point to another point. There is no need to walk to any bus stops or train stations, no need to change buses or trains, and it takes lesser time in most cases.

4. Going from my office to my home takes more than an hour by bus. Taking a car takes only half an hour or so. I can use the time saved to do other things.

5. With the frequent trips my parents go on, I can help myself to their car each time they are away. I will be able to drive my brother or relatives whenever needed. I can even give my friends lifts instead of the other way round!

6. It is better to have a car if I go shopping or carrying a lot of things out. Everything can be placed in the boot instead of lugging around trying to get onto a public transport, even more so if there is a thunderstorm and impossible to get any cabs.

7. It saves time if I have to travel long-distances, or to cross the border into Malaysia.

8. It stops all sexual harassment in buses, trains or just the walking distance between train stations.

9. I can wake up later and still reach the office (or anywhere else) earlier if I am able to drive there.

10. I can drive to my favourite spot at the beach and hang out, or bring my dog for walks at the beach and to the vet and back.

11. And if I can drive, I will finally have the excuse to get my ultimate dream car!

Bookworm Deluxe : The Little Prince

My first review after a long while. What more appropriate than to start with the late Monsier Antoine de Saint-Exupery's tale of chidlike innocence and charm as evidenced by the main hero?

It was a while back that I read the book. At that point in time, the book did not affect me that much save for the fact that it is a good enough story to warrant a second read. And I am the type that once I come across a real good book, I can read that over and over again, even after I memorise every word and every character and their actions, I will still read the book again!

I finished the book within slightly more than an hour last night. And this time, the messages stick in my mind. Perhaps now that I am reading this as an adult, and seeing the story through the eyes of a child, but somehow the story hits me more intensely this time than previous time.

Lessons learnt from the cute little prince :

1. Adults frown upon children being artistically-inclined. Any budding artist will be put down and told to concentrate on mathematics, geography and grammar. As a result, kids grow up forgetting how to draw, and not being able to see the actual beauty of pictures.

2. Kids are inquisitive. They will ask lots of questions, but sometimes expecting no answers. Adults tend to brush kids off when they ask questions, and then kids will start to wonder why the adults are so odd and impatient.

3. When doing a presentation in one's native village wear, no one will believe you even if the facts are accurate. However, if the same person does the same presentation wearing a Western suit and tie, everybody will believe.

4. When children meet someone new, they will ask, "What games do you prefer?"
When adults meet someone new, they will ask, "How much do you earn?"

5. Adults will not understand if children describe a house as having a beautiful garden full of geraniums. However, if the house is described as being ten thousand pounds, adults will understand.

6. Wait for the sun to set. Watch the twilight falling whenever one feels like it, because when one is terribly sad, one loves sunsets. (And so do I! I prefer sunset to sunrise anytime!)

7. Adults always brush kids aside, saying they are busy with "serious matters". But they do not stop to smell the roses.

8. If someone loves a flower of which there is only one on the millions and millions of stars, it is enough to make him happy when he looks at them for he can say to himself, "My flower is out there", the same flower which tried to love him back in its own way, but which caused him to leave it due to its pride. (And such is love among two people.)

9. Adults think of themselves as having magnificent air of authorities and expect the children to succumb to their words with no questions asked, simply because they said so.

10. Adults are conceited. They think only of having admirers and will never imagine if their hats or heads will ever be lowered.

11. Adults do things they are ashamed of, yet they continue doing the same thing to forget their shame.

12. Adults are so busy with doing business and making money that they have no time to pay attention to the beauty surrounding them. And they own things which may not be useful to them, simply because they want to own them.

13. Adults follow rules and regulations simply because they were told to follow, even if all else no longer makes sense.

14. Men actually occupy very little space on Earth. If everybody on Earth is to stand upright and crowd together, they can easily live on a tiny islet in the Pacific. But adults will never believe as they think they take up a lot of space.

15. To tame is to establish ties and make someone or something unique to you. Otherwise, it will just be one in hundreds, no need for any one.

16. Men have no time to understand anything as they buy ready-made things from shops. But since there are no shops where one can buy friends, men have no friends.

17. Friendship requires patience, speaking with your eyes and just keeping quiet and being there.

18. An ordinary passer-by would think that one's rose is just like any other's rose, but to the person, the rose is unique as the rose was the one he / she has watered, put in a glass dome, killed caterpillars for. And it was the rose that the person listened to and boasted about, because the rose belongs to the person. (Just like love, the guy / girl can be just anyone on the streets, but to the partner, he / she is the one that belongs as each other is the one the other has nurtured, talked about and developed.)

19. It is only with one's heart that one can see so clearly. What is essential is invisible to the eye. (Very true!)

20. It is the time you lavished on your rose that is so important. (Again, very true! It is the time spent with people that render them so important.)

21. Adults will sleep in a carriage, but it is the children that will press their faces against the glass panels and see the scenery outside, as it is the children that know what they are looking for.

I probably do not make much sense here, but the essential message is that a child's innocence somehow do not get retained in an adult. Is it because throughout the process of growing up, everything we used to love since young, the simple things that make our lives happy and satisfied, are all forgotten in the thrive of work and materialism?

I will recommend this book to everyone, kids and adults alike. Kids will be able to read and understand the messages better, and adults will be able to read and get in touch with the lost child in them. May everyone not lose touch with their child-like side!

Lessons From Notre Dame De Paris

1. Live. Love. Give.

Live - for the one you love.
Love - like no one has ever loved before.
Give - and asking nothing in return.

2. What is beauty? What is ugliness?

Beauty in the physical form is not beauty if the soul is ugly.

Ugliness in the physical form is not ugliness if the soul is pure and beautiful.

Just a pity most people only recognise the former.

3. What is a sorceress? What is a witch?

It is not someone of another race or country. Rather, it is someone whose soul is so poisoned that he / she thinks of nothing but killing and revenge.

4. The one that truly loves you may be the one whom you do not even give a second glance. The one you truly love is the one who will not give you the second glance.

Such is the behaviour of man!

And I am so glad I caught the final show! Everything is great, from the songs, to the singers, to the dancers, to the special effects and even to the props!

A Floating Book Fair?

The ship MV Doulos is berthed alongside the new ViVo City. It is holding a book fair. Since it is an international book fair, and it is the first time I came across a book fair on a ship, we went up the ship to take a look. And luckily we did, otherwise I would not have found things which I have been looking for so long!

The weather was very hot today, and it was very crowded, so we took a while before we managed to board the ship. It is not a very big ship, nothing compared to those tankers and container ships which my former company owns and manages.

After boarding, we followed the crowd and went round to the back, where the book fair is. The space is not that big for a book fair, but considering for such a limited space, the variety of books are pretty comprehensive indeed, and they are arranged neatly, better than those book fairs held in exhibition halls!

Needless to say, it was jam-packed with people. And it was very stuffy as well, since the ship's covers were down to prevent sunlight from streaming in, hence blocking out the wind at the same time. Still, I managed to get two volumes of Wordsworth Classic Stories collection consisting of all the books I used to love since young and which I have been trying to get my hands on them!

So now I have the complete and unabridged versions of The Little Prince, Grimm's Fairy Tales, The Water Babies, Just So Stories, Peter Pan, English Fairy Tales, Aesop's Fables, The Wind In The Willows, The Wizard Of Oz, Andersen's Fairy Tales, Treasure Island, The Railway Children, Little Women, Alice In Wonderland, The Jungle Book, The Secret Garden, Anne of Green Gables, Black Beauty, Robin Hood and Kidnapped.

Heavenly bliss! Now I can relive all the classic great literature of the times, and not fretting where to find more books to while my time away, since these books are likely to keep me occupied for another month at least! I was so excited at finding this "treasure" that I was totally oblivious to the fact that the small cashier there accepts only cash!

As a result, I almost caused an embarrassment by not having enough cash, but luckily he managed to have enough to pay for me. I feel so bad for him because although for twenty books of this calibre, the amount paid is considered a good deal, but still it is not as cheap as some other books on display.

While we were queuing at the cashier, all eyes were riveted on the two collections I was holding. One lady even asked where I found those books. Somehow I get this feeling am I the only one who will actually read books like these? The section where I managed to find the collection looked pretty untouched. The rest of those in the queue had more "practical" non-fiction books.

Besides the book exhibition, there is also a mini cafe and inf0rmation counter. The place is like a mini United Nations since the employees come from many countries. Overall, it is a refreshing experience, but for the stuffiness. The good thing about this floating book fair is that it is not time-consuming, so we only needed half an hour to wander around the whole place.

For those interested, the ship will be leaving after the 24th November. So catch it before it is gone!

Recipe For Vermicelli

Today (yesterday actually) was a very special day, so I cooked vermicelli for us. This is the second attempt I tried cooking vermicelli (aka fried bee hoon). I must say, it tastes nicer this time round! I am so proud of myself now!

These are the ingredients I used :

1. Half a cabbage (shredded into small pieces)

2. Green vegetables (Chinese call this "choy sum") (chopped into small pieces)


3. 8 mushrooms (with the stalks removed, and cut into small pieces)


4. 1 egg (beaten) (for garnishing)


5. Minced meat (this time I used pork, but beef will do as well)


6. Prawn paste (supposed to be liquid form, but as you can see, this just came from the freezer)


7. 5 onions (chopped into small pieces) (also for garnishing)

Chopping onions really make one tear! Or perhaps this time round I used more onions.


8. 2 - 3 slabs of vermicelli

9. 1 onion and 1 garlic (for taste) (chopped)

10. Half a pinch of salt, light soy sauce, dark soy sauce and pepper (all for taste and colouring)

First, stir fry the chopped onions until golden brown. Ensure that the oil used can cover all the onion pieces. (I use Sunflower Oil, but normal Cooking Oil and Olive Oil will do as well.)

Remove the fried onions and drain the oil.

Next, cook the egg, omelette style. Drain the egg on absorbing paper to get rid of the oil.


Then, cut the egg into small pieces. (I am no expert, so my pieces are not small enough. :-p)

Cook the onions and garlic together. Next, put in mushrooms, prawn paste (gradually) and meat. Stir fry then let it simmer for two minutes or until cooked.

Put in cabbages. Stir fry together with the mixture. Simmer for two minutes.

Put in green vegetables and stir fry until cooked.

Do not let the green vegetables simmer or else they will turn black.

Add in light soy sauce, dark soy sauce, pepper and salt.

Ensure the prawn paste do not dry up, or else there will be not enough liquid left for the vermicelli to cook.

Add in the vermicelli and submerge them in the liquid prawn paste. Add in more prawn paste if the mixture is too dry. The vermicelli must submerge completely inside the paste.

Mix all together and stir fry until the vermicelli turns brownish.

Finally, scatter the fried onion and omelette pieces into the vermicelli and mix all together before serving or eating.

My Love Language ....

This is so true! I value quality time and physical gestures and tenderness more than anything else in a relationship, because only by spending quality time with someone can we get to really know a person, and I enjoy the security of a hug or an embrace.

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch

with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		10
Quality Time:		9
Words of Affirmation:		6
Acts of Service:		3
Receiving Gifts:		2

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Girls Will Be Girls ....

My uncle and cousin brought my two-year-old niece to my place to visit my grandma last night. We brought her and her male cousins up to the attic to play with our old toys. While the boys played with cars, balls and models, my niece set her sights on the little soft toys which my ex-students gave me.

Girls will always be girls! The toys they prefer will always be different from boys! Just like boys can never outgrow their penchant for cars, balls and games, girls will never outgrow their penchant for bears, dolls, soft toys and flowers.

Come to think of it, half my bed is decorated by soft toys. Big bears, little bears, birds, dogs, heart-shaped cushions, all take up half my bed. Anyway I just need a space to sleep, other than that the rest of the bed will be filled with toys, books, clothes and bags sometimes. Which is an idea just how many things I do have.

Also kudos to my exs for giving me a soft toy every year. Which is why I cannot fit them into my doll cupboard anymore, and have to leave them on my bed, on the floor, even at my study table!

I have all kinds of soft toys, but there are only five types I really like (not counting the giant sheepdog bought from Watson's many years back, that is my ultimate favourite and I cannot sleep without it).

1. Winnie the Pooh (my very favourite character, I just adore that chubby cute bear with a passion for hunny!!)

2. Tweety (that yellow canary always gets me going, especially when it is trying to escape from a certain "putty tat"!)

3. Forever Friends bear (this means a lot to me, especially a certain couple of bears in wedding attire)

4. Me To You bear (the grey furry things are simply adorable!)

5. Hello Kitty (a hot craze when I was in primary school, and still a hot craze now)

And since we are on this, here are my five favourite flowers too.

1. White Lilies (they resemble simplicity and purity, which, to me, is the definite epitome of beauty)

2. Red Roses (the flowers of love. Enough said.)

3. Baby's Breath (Small, white and a good accessory to any other flower, yet at the same time beautiful on its own)

4. Birds-of-Paradise (I like the shape and colour, but a pity it is almost extinct almost everywhere in the world now.)

5. Forget-Me-Nots (the best thing any friend can give me, the name explains all.)