My anaemia is acting up again. I have not had an attack for so long, when the fainting spells came back on Tuesday. It must have been due to all the depression lately. I really must start having a happier disposition again.
I took the day off yesterday and just stayed home to rest and reflect. I was feeling a little enlightened after my boss spoke to me, at the same time, there are still no answers to some questions I have been asking.
For instance, why, when I am giving thanks for God's blessings and praying to meet the right person, his image is so vivid in my mind? Is it because I still think of him, or is it because he could just be the right person, but just needs time to sort himself out before making up his mind once and for all?
Somehow I get this feeling all is not over between us. Why is it the more I pray for God's guidance and a sign and to let go, the more I think of him? Is it really just my sub-conscious, or is it really a sign from above?
Granted this is not the first time I have felt this way, but this is the first time where the feeling is so intense. Maybe people may scoff at how I am feeling (again) due to my history, but after my fair share of dating, I ought to be in the position to know who is best. And like I said, if there is no one better, then I will live with my choice.
I have met guys who met my criteria before, some way or another. Each time, I prayed for guidance on whether he was the one I should hold on to, and each time, something told me to let go. And let go I did, because after that better ones did come along.
But this time, the more I pray, the more I cannot let go. I do not know if it is because my feelings are still so intense, or is it really a sign that things are not over and all will happen in His time?
I tried to convince myself like what my well-meaning friends have been telling me - that if he does not appreciate me for who and what I am, then it is his loss, and I am better off without him.
That if he is really interested and liked me like he claimed, he would accept me for who I am and try to make things work out, know me better and discover my true self, instead of pulling out just because of some minor issues.
But I know I am only deluding myself by these words, because I know how I feel, and no matter how people try to convince me otherwise, I know best how he is like towards me, and I know best how I feel towards him.
So the question is that : did he pull out because he was not sure and wanted some time to sort himself out, like a typical man according to John Gray? So all he needs is some time and space to think things through, and perhaps he may just come running back one day?
I have seen cases of guys who were rather messed up when they first got together with a girl, then they broke up with her, but after a while, asked for a second chance and got back together with the girl. When that happens, the relationship is pretty stable and smooth-sailing because the guy finally made up his mind that he wants to be with her at all costs.
Actually I am very tempted to give him all the things I have, like the letters and emails I have written to him but not sent, the journal where I record down the times we spent together, the other journal where I record down all our conversations (whatever bits I could remember), the letter I wrote last week when I was at my most down and missing him the most, where I blasted out however I feel and whatever I have done, and the hundred paper cranes I made to wish him luck when he was tackling a tough paper, which I never did give to him.
Also the synopsis of the story I was writing, where I changed the ending because of my feelings for him. Plus another story which was inspired by him, where I am entitling "A Fool's Dream", the synopsis of which is how a girl was searching her whole life for a soul mate, and when she finally found him, only to find that it is nothing but an illusion, so shall she continue being a fool and keep dreaming, or shall she just let go?
So where does that leave me? To hold or not to hold, to wait or not to wait, that is the question, without any hint of a clear answer. Perhaps when the day comes that I keep all "our" things in a box and pass on to him, that will be the day I have truly let go and move on.
I took the day off yesterday and just stayed home to rest and reflect. I was feeling a little enlightened after my boss spoke to me, at the same time, there are still no answers to some questions I have been asking.
For instance, why, when I am giving thanks for God's blessings and praying to meet the right person, his image is so vivid in my mind? Is it because I still think of him, or is it because he could just be the right person, but just needs time to sort himself out before making up his mind once and for all?
Somehow I get this feeling all is not over between us. Why is it the more I pray for God's guidance and a sign and to let go, the more I think of him? Is it really just my sub-conscious, or is it really a sign from above?
Granted this is not the first time I have felt this way, but this is the first time where the feeling is so intense. Maybe people may scoff at how I am feeling (again) due to my history, but after my fair share of dating, I ought to be in the position to know who is best. And like I said, if there is no one better, then I will live with my choice.
I have met guys who met my criteria before, some way or another. Each time, I prayed for guidance on whether he was the one I should hold on to, and each time, something told me to let go. And let go I did, because after that better ones did come along.
But this time, the more I pray, the more I cannot let go. I do not know if it is because my feelings are still so intense, or is it really a sign that things are not over and all will happen in His time?
I tried to convince myself like what my well-meaning friends have been telling me - that if he does not appreciate me for who and what I am, then it is his loss, and I am better off without him.
That if he is really interested and liked me like he claimed, he would accept me for who I am and try to make things work out, know me better and discover my true self, instead of pulling out just because of some minor issues.
But I know I am only deluding myself by these words, because I know how I feel, and no matter how people try to convince me otherwise, I know best how he is like towards me, and I know best how I feel towards him.
So the question is that : did he pull out because he was not sure and wanted some time to sort himself out, like a typical man according to John Gray? So all he needs is some time and space to think things through, and perhaps he may just come running back one day?
I have seen cases of guys who were rather messed up when they first got together with a girl, then they broke up with her, but after a while, asked for a second chance and got back together with the girl. When that happens, the relationship is pretty stable and smooth-sailing because the guy finally made up his mind that he wants to be with her at all costs.
Actually I am very tempted to give him all the things I have, like the letters and emails I have written to him but not sent, the journal where I record down the times we spent together, the other journal where I record down all our conversations (whatever bits I could remember), the letter I wrote last week when I was at my most down and missing him the most, where I blasted out however I feel and whatever I have done, and the hundred paper cranes I made to wish him luck when he was tackling a tough paper, which I never did give to him.
Also the synopsis of the story I was writing, where I changed the ending because of my feelings for him. Plus another story which was inspired by him, where I am entitling "A Fool's Dream", the synopsis of which is how a girl was searching her whole life for a soul mate, and when she finally found him, only to find that it is nothing but an illusion, so shall she continue being a fool and keep dreaming, or shall she just let go?
So where does that leave me? To hold or not to hold, to wait or not to wait, that is the question, without any hint of a clear answer. Perhaps when the day comes that I keep all "our" things in a box and pass on to him, that will be the day I have truly let go and move on.
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