This statement is from a friend, "Have you ever liked someone sooo much, that you just couldn't tell them? Have you ever had a sleepless night because you couldn't stop thinking about them? Have you ever felt so lonely that you cried yourself to sleep? Have you ever lost someone you loved and prayed every night for them to return?"
And that sums up how I feel. Just when I thought I am over and beyond all these emotional outbursts, I am falling down into the pits again. Believe it or not, I have ever only felt this way about one other person.
And the silly things I have been doing, which I thought I have outgrown. Each time whenever something happens, no matter how trivial, happy or sad, he is the first person I want to tell. So I started drafting emails about the ongoings of my life, but in the end, did not have the guts to send out. In just a matter of a month, I have thirteen draft emails which I have not sent out!
I bought a new journal and started noting down all the times we shared, all the conversations and exchanges we had, from the time we first got to know each other, to his first email and message, to our first date.
I started writing letters addressed to him, telling him how I feel, sharing with him my dreams and visions, yet in the end did not dare to send out or pass to him. He creeps into my mind ever so frequently, but I did not dare to even send him a message asking about him in case I appear too pushy.
In this era when everyone depends on digital cameras and online photo albums, I actually had the photo we took printed out and framed. But I did not dare to display the frame in case my family starts asking, so all I can do is to keep it in the drawer next to my bed.
I sleep hugging the gift he gave me every night. There are times when I toss and turn, or wake up very early and cannot get back to sleep, and I start thinking of him. Somehow I keep thinking of the song "Dreaming Of You" by Selena, as that sums up how I feel!
Short of becoming a real lovelorn moron, tell me, what can I do to save myself?
And that sums up how I feel. Just when I thought I am over and beyond all these emotional outbursts, I am falling down into the pits again. Believe it or not, I have ever only felt this way about one other person.
And the silly things I have been doing, which I thought I have outgrown. Each time whenever something happens, no matter how trivial, happy or sad, he is the first person I want to tell. So I started drafting emails about the ongoings of my life, but in the end, did not have the guts to send out. In just a matter of a month, I have thirteen draft emails which I have not sent out!
I bought a new journal and started noting down all the times we shared, all the conversations and exchanges we had, from the time we first got to know each other, to his first email and message, to our first date.
I started writing letters addressed to him, telling him how I feel, sharing with him my dreams and visions, yet in the end did not dare to send out or pass to him. He creeps into my mind ever so frequently, but I did not dare to even send him a message asking about him in case I appear too pushy.
In this era when everyone depends on digital cameras and online photo albums, I actually had the photo we took printed out and framed. But I did not dare to display the frame in case my family starts asking, so all I can do is to keep it in the drawer next to my bed.
I sleep hugging the gift he gave me every night. There are times when I toss and turn, or wake up very early and cannot get back to sleep, and I start thinking of him. Somehow I keep thinking of the song "Dreaming Of You" by Selena, as that sums up how I feel!
Short of becoming a real lovelorn moron, tell me, what can I do to save myself?
2 comments:
A beautifully written post exposing the raw and tormented heart.
Here is my advice to you (and, yes, it is serious): write. Use this moment when your head and heart are anguished and focussed on only one thing to write. I find the best writing comes from these distressed moments.
I have been there once in my life and it is not a pleasant place to be. Long, waiting, hoping for even the smallest spark of affection that goes beyond friendship.
I still recommend telling him. However, as previously mentioned, the tendency is to simply say too much and generally be foolish in our speech.
Tell him how you feel (just don't freak him out). Tell him that you think of him every day. Tell him that when you think of him, your heart sings. Tell him that you miss him every day. Tell him that when you miss him, you pray for his happiness and well being.
From my "guy-on-the-other-side-of-the-world-who-only-knows-you-and-your-life-through-a-blog" objective point of view, let me caution you that I still think you are investing too much in him. I don't want to be mean, but I want you to take care of yourself and not forsake yourself for another.
I was lucky that prayer is a very ingrained part of me and when I am distressed it comes naturally and helps me to focus away. However, I also know how hard it is to move on from these feelings - it is not a question of days or weeks or months, it takes years and, perhaps in some case, it never heals.
Most importantly, write.
Hi Richard,
Thanks for your encouragement. Actually I've been more uplifted already because today God has spoken to me. I will write down everything, but at the same time, I know now not to hold on stubbornly and make myself so unhappy.
And for that, I think it will be much easier for me to move on and go back to having a happier and more carefree disposition.
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