What Is Life?

I am feeling down, really down. Being the weirdo I am, this is one time when I am in another of my mood swings. Seems like all of a sudden I have no idea where my life is going. It could be due to the trouble I faced at work yesterday, when I may just lose my job altogether, or else perhaps I was never satisfied with whatever I am doing in the first place.

Which got me thinking : What is life? How would one know you are at the right direction? One has all the dreams and aspirations and goals, but often than not, in reality, dreams may never come true. I have had my dreams since young, but so far none has really come true.

Is it because my dreams were impossible to attain? People always say live for your dreams, but in the real world, how many people can really have their dreams fulfilled? Most just go on in life doing other things.

I used to be so idealistic. I wanted a job where I can work with music and children, which was why I ended up teaching in the first place. A friend told me that one should give and help to the best of one’s ability, which is why I try to give back, so I ended up helping kids from orphanages or the elderly, giving some time at the SPCA, and sponsoring a poor girl in the Philippines, even giving tuition and teaching music for a few years back in school.

Volunteering and teaching are small, albeit superficial ways, to help out, and they may be just minuscule, but at least that starts somewhere, rather than just totally sitting back and not doing anything.

If I am to be really idealistic, I will want to go places, to war-torn countries, to third-world countries, building shelters and giving food to the kids, treating the sick (if I know how to treat them). If I can find some humanitarian organization that does this, I will not hesitate to go already. Somehow working with children and the less priviledged always seems to be my calling, even now.

I was involved in a religious discussion with a friend last night, and we were both questioning our faith. There are many things in the bible which we accept, but at the same time, there are also many things which are not in the bible, but through the years Vatican City has laid down certain rules about what one can do and what one cannot do. There are also many scientific facts which the Vatican used not to accept.

For instance, when Copernicus first came up with his constellation theory, he did not dare to spread his discoveries, until two centuries later, Galileo told everyone that all along the Sun is the centre of the Universe, and the Earth, Moon and all other planets revolve around it.

It became a scientifically proven fact, yet this was slammed by the Catholic Church in those days for blasphemy since all along somehow religious fanatics through the years viewed God as the centre of everything. Galileo was put under house arrest for that.

Another aspect is masturbation. There is nowhere in the bible that says one cannot masturbate. Pre-marital sex and abortion are not allowed, granted (although in certain circumstances there will always be grey areas), but through the years, it was passed down amongst the Catholics that masturbation is also not allowed, which I believe most people, especially men, will protest, because I guess to men, it is a natural process of release and renewal.

And also family planning. Catholic couples are not allowed to use any form of contraceptives as that is like preventing life from happening. But if there is no family planning, then how? Would things not be more of a mess instead? How many children can one couple really bear and able to bring up properly?

It is not a matter of money in bringing up children, but more of time, energy, devotion and dedication. I used to be so idealistic as I love children, and said I wanted to have five kids, but after seeing how my cousins struggle with just one child, I start to realise that perhaps two to three kids will suffice.

What I am trying to say is that under the Catholic or Christian faith, we are supposed to just take things and follow blindly. Those who are more staunch will frown upon anyone asking questions, because simply, if we believe, then all will be attributed to God.

Well, I believe in God and my faith, I believe in miracles, I believe in prayers, but I also believe in facts. So there is always a conflict, which is why I always end up questioning God.

Obviously, I am not the pious type. Neither am I the staunch and fanatical type. I view religion as important in my life, because religion is to me something to guide me along, having a divine higher being to look up to, especially after such a long journey.

But I am not the type who goes preaching to everyone and anyone, or trying to convert everyone or anyone. I do not even go to church on special occasions like All Saints Day, All Souls Day or Ash Wednesday. The most I do is to go to church every weekend, on Good Friday, Easter and Christmas. The only commitment I show to my faith is prayer, which I have been doing quite a bit lately.

But I realise that prayer does help. When things do not go my way, when I get depressed for no rhyme or reason, when I feel life is not worth living at times, I always found peace in prayer.

Especially nowadays, when late at night, all the world is sleeping, I lay in bed and start thinking and reflecting. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, leaving tears on my pillow. Mostly thinking of things that have happened, and what could have been the outcome.

I was praying the Rosary last night when suddenly, a very vivid image of someone came into my mind. I am not sure if it is just my sub-conscious playing tricks on me, or that it is a message from above, but nevertheless, I prayed for him, with his image in my mind, hoping that he, too, will be able to find his direction in life. I am not sure if my prayers are effective though, or he has a sudden inkling about where to proceed henceforth.

But life is like that. It is never a bed of roses, more of thorns, thistles and brambles. If I really want my way, I will much rather life be like a bed of white lilies – simple and pure. Living a simple life is still the best, rather than the complications of the archtypical human nature.

There are things which we set out to do, goals which we want to fulfil, but at the end of the day, it all boils down to the uncontrollable fate which runs our lives.

Some people go on in life believing they can control their destiny, but no matter how much they try to control, in life everyone’s destiny seems to have been charted from birth, or from a past life (if there ever was one).

I always tell myself to try to take things easy, and be more happy-go-lucky, but when I get really moody and melancholic, I often think the worst. When things I really wish will happen and do not, I start cursing and swearing, and try to fight against a higher being, sometimes with repercussions. When I find that things always don’t seem to go my way, I start being down and depressed, and lose my direction.

Conversations with my mum and cousins I am closer to as well as my best friend always enlighten me in certain ways, because they are more practical and logical people who really think with their heads, and tell me that instead of holding on, I shall just move on and explore other options.

But I still believe in miracles, that what I hope for will come true. I cannot help being so emotional because that is just me, born with a super intensive right-brain instead of being a left-brainer.

So what exactly is life? To date, I have no answer. Different people live their lives differently, so I guess to me, as long as I live my life properly, helping those who really need help and not mess it up, that is all that matters. Other things are but material.