I went for an enlightening seminar on Wednesday night, conducted by a Jesuit priest from India. He was talking about life, relationships and death, and how our upbringing can affect our decisions in life.
This priest has a Masters in Clinical Psychology, and the things he talked about made a lot of sense. Contrary to what people thought, there was no mention of God or the Bible (ok, only a little).
It was not a religious preaching seminar, where every sentence or example is quoted from the words of the Bible. Rather, he used real life examples to make his point.
He started off by saying that throughout our lives, there will be different people telling us what to do. And even if a person can be so highly educated, whatever people said may still have an impact.
For instance, if someone had been brought up thinking that he / she can achieve anything without much effort, the tendency of the person becoming successful in life is much greater than someone who has been brought up thinking that he / she is worthless and not able to do much.
He told us about this family with two children, one boy and one girl. The boy was brought up as the king (as usual), and the girl was brought up with the mentality that she would never be good enough.
The boy sailed through life, having things easy. His grades were good, easy to find a job, a wife, and even after married, has a relatively good life.
The girl struggled through life. She worked so hard in order to have good grades, applied for job after job before she finally found one, went through a series of heartbreaks before finally getting married.
However, nothing she did was ever good in her parents’ eyes, and now that she is married, her husband always taunts her for not being good enough. Yet she chose to stay with her husband as she thinks he is the only one who is willing to marry her as she is not good enough for anyone else.
The priest mentioned another incident involving another lady. This lady has a Masters degree, and her parents are both diplomats. She is the only child, brought up by very well-educated parents. Yet, her mum told her never to leave her husband’s house unless she dies.
In India, marriages are arranged, although this is getting lesser now. This lady was match made to a guy from an equally good background. And since the guy is good-looking, he had other girls who like him.
The wife panicked on losing her husband, so she came on quite strong to him. She got pregnant, thinking she could change her husband’s philandering ways. However, her husband did not believe the child was his, saying that she came on so strongly to him, who is to say she did not do the same to other guys?
So he kept her in his home together with his ailing parents and went to live with another lady, who bore him three children. He and the wife had a temple marriage which is recognized by the country. However, he and his mistress had a civil registered marriage, which means they are husband and wife on paper and she would be entitled to all his assets upon his death.
The priest was counselling the poor wife, and told her not to waste her youth away, to find a better man and leave the house. However, because she remember her mum saying never leave her husband’s house until she dies, she refused to go anywhere, as she did not wish to “bring shame” to her parents.
The priest told us this as an example of how even one who is so highly educated with an overseas education from one of the top universities, can be influenced by upbringing and the things people say.
He also touched on relationships. He said that the fundamental elements in any relationship are commitment, communication, understanding and enjoyment.
He says by being committed, it does not mean committed to the person but the relationship itself. Being committed to the person only lasts as far as the person does not change. Once the person changes, the commitment will be broken.
Being committed to the relationship means expecting changes and adopting the changes to adapt to the relationship. This is how people can have long-lasting relationships.
He says that one must look beyond the physical attributes as looks can go. Falling in love with a person’s looks are only temporary, since when the looks start to go due to age, the person will then become less and less attractive.
By falling for the person’s character, the person will then be more and more attractive as time goes by, and only by loving the character and personality can the person appear to be the most beautiful to you. That is so true!
He also touches on communication and understanding. These two come hand in hand, as it is only through communication that one understands the other.
He says that men and women complement each other, since men are more rational and logical but women are more intuitive and emotional. Men have to build up their “feminine” side and feel more, and women have to think and analyse more.
He says that women have a stronger sixth sense, so normally when they sense something, they are often right. But men normally want proof before they can see from a woman’s point of view.
However, due to women being more emotional, they are able to feel more, so when a woman loves, be it a friend, partner, parents or children, they will go all out and make whoever they love happy. So when things go wrong, they end up frustrated and emotional.
Whereas for men, due to their logical minds, they will only choose the most practical thing. Even when things go wrong, they will take it in their strides. Not saying that men are unfeeling or uncaring, but generally, men will shy away from confrontation or issues that require lots of emotions involved.
The moment he said that, I could see all the women in the room nodding vigorously. He also said that a woman has a boyfriend or husband, she will take him to be her confidante so will tell him all her problems.
When a woman does that, she only wants a listening ear and some comfort, not for the man to tell her what to do. However, men will take it that if someone has a problem, she will want a solution, so will start trying to brainstorm, and making the woman unhappy then he will start to wonder why she is unhappy when he was only trying to help her.
The priest then told the men the women only want a listening ear, so if she comes to him with a problem and he starts cutting her off and telling her what to do, she will go to him with several other unrelated problems, then it will be what he deserves as he is not showing her enough concern.
And since women take her loved one as her confidante, she would like the same amount of trust and confidence from him. So she will like to share in all his problems and to listen to him. Even if she may not give him a solution, she will still like him to talk to her as she just wants the feeling of being trusted.
However, men will take it that he can solve his own problems. If he cannot come up with a solution, he will try to avoid the whole issue altogether, rather than talking it out. To him, he will take it that since the woman may not understand or solve, why bother telling?
At this juncture, there were lots of applause and nodding from the women. What he said is so true! Even I can relate to that! He says that talking and sharing problems is all part of communication and commitment. By talking through, even if a solution cannot be met, the couple will still be able to bond with each other.
The last part of the seminar is on enjoyment – enjoying what you do, enjoying the time you have with your parents and loved ones. He says that if a teacher is so possessive or protective over her students and refuse to allow another teacher to take the class, this teacher is not enjoying.
If someone is enjoying what he / she is doing, he / she will want to share it with people. Just like for a family, if you enjoy the time with your parents or the parents enjoy the time with you, the warmth and hospitality will extend to others. By keeping all only within the family, the family is not really enjoying the time with each other.
How true that is! He said that his parents had passed on, but he did not feel the least bit upset, as he had enjoyed all the time with them when they were alive. Only by enjoying and making the most of it, that one will not miss it when the thing is gone.
That is another point of view I have not thought about. Perhaps by being upset when something or someone is gone, it shows that I have not enjoyed the time with the thing or person to the fullest?
He also said something surprising. He was talking about sexual affairs. If one becomes intimate with someone because you love the person and is committed, then the whole process will be so much more enjoyable.
Whereas if one gets intimate just for pleasure with no love involved, that is just it – for pleasure, and more often than not, the process will not be enjoyable. That is so true too!
Overall, it is an enriching and interesting seminar. I really learnt a lot and how to handle things better from now on. A pity it was only a one night affair. How I wish he will come again!
This priest has a Masters in Clinical Psychology, and the things he talked about made a lot of sense. Contrary to what people thought, there was no mention of God or the Bible (ok, only a little).
It was not a religious preaching seminar, where every sentence or example is quoted from the words of the Bible. Rather, he used real life examples to make his point.
He started off by saying that throughout our lives, there will be different people telling us what to do. And even if a person can be so highly educated, whatever people said may still have an impact.
For instance, if someone had been brought up thinking that he / she can achieve anything without much effort, the tendency of the person becoming successful in life is much greater than someone who has been brought up thinking that he / she is worthless and not able to do much.
He told us about this family with two children, one boy and one girl. The boy was brought up as the king (as usual), and the girl was brought up with the mentality that she would never be good enough.
The boy sailed through life, having things easy. His grades were good, easy to find a job, a wife, and even after married, has a relatively good life.
The girl struggled through life. She worked so hard in order to have good grades, applied for job after job before she finally found one, went through a series of heartbreaks before finally getting married.
However, nothing she did was ever good in her parents’ eyes, and now that she is married, her husband always taunts her for not being good enough. Yet she chose to stay with her husband as she thinks he is the only one who is willing to marry her as she is not good enough for anyone else.
The priest mentioned another incident involving another lady. This lady has a Masters degree, and her parents are both diplomats. She is the only child, brought up by very well-educated parents. Yet, her mum told her never to leave her husband’s house unless she dies.
In India, marriages are arranged, although this is getting lesser now. This lady was match made to a guy from an equally good background. And since the guy is good-looking, he had other girls who like him.
The wife panicked on losing her husband, so she came on quite strong to him. She got pregnant, thinking she could change her husband’s philandering ways. However, her husband did not believe the child was his, saying that she came on so strongly to him, who is to say she did not do the same to other guys?
So he kept her in his home together with his ailing parents and went to live with another lady, who bore him three children. He and the wife had a temple marriage which is recognized by the country. However, he and his mistress had a civil registered marriage, which means they are husband and wife on paper and she would be entitled to all his assets upon his death.
The priest was counselling the poor wife, and told her not to waste her youth away, to find a better man and leave the house. However, because she remember her mum saying never leave her husband’s house until she dies, she refused to go anywhere, as she did not wish to “bring shame” to her parents.
The priest told us this as an example of how even one who is so highly educated with an overseas education from one of the top universities, can be influenced by upbringing and the things people say.
He also touched on relationships. He said that the fundamental elements in any relationship are commitment, communication, understanding and enjoyment.
He says by being committed, it does not mean committed to the person but the relationship itself. Being committed to the person only lasts as far as the person does not change. Once the person changes, the commitment will be broken.
Being committed to the relationship means expecting changes and adopting the changes to adapt to the relationship. This is how people can have long-lasting relationships.
He says that one must look beyond the physical attributes as looks can go. Falling in love with a person’s looks are only temporary, since when the looks start to go due to age, the person will then become less and less attractive.
By falling for the person’s character, the person will then be more and more attractive as time goes by, and only by loving the character and personality can the person appear to be the most beautiful to you. That is so true!
He also touches on communication and understanding. These two come hand in hand, as it is only through communication that one understands the other.
He says that men and women complement each other, since men are more rational and logical but women are more intuitive and emotional. Men have to build up their “feminine” side and feel more, and women have to think and analyse more.
He says that women have a stronger sixth sense, so normally when they sense something, they are often right. But men normally want proof before they can see from a woman’s point of view.
However, due to women being more emotional, they are able to feel more, so when a woman loves, be it a friend, partner, parents or children, they will go all out and make whoever they love happy. So when things go wrong, they end up frustrated and emotional.
Whereas for men, due to their logical minds, they will only choose the most practical thing. Even when things go wrong, they will take it in their strides. Not saying that men are unfeeling or uncaring, but generally, men will shy away from confrontation or issues that require lots of emotions involved.
The moment he said that, I could see all the women in the room nodding vigorously. He also said that a woman has a boyfriend or husband, she will take him to be her confidante so will tell him all her problems.
When a woman does that, she only wants a listening ear and some comfort, not for the man to tell her what to do. However, men will take it that if someone has a problem, she will want a solution, so will start trying to brainstorm, and making the woman unhappy then he will start to wonder why she is unhappy when he was only trying to help her.
The priest then told the men the women only want a listening ear, so if she comes to him with a problem and he starts cutting her off and telling her what to do, she will go to him with several other unrelated problems, then it will be what he deserves as he is not showing her enough concern.
And since women take her loved one as her confidante, she would like the same amount of trust and confidence from him. So she will like to share in all his problems and to listen to him. Even if she may not give him a solution, she will still like him to talk to her as she just wants the feeling of being trusted.
However, men will take it that he can solve his own problems. If he cannot come up with a solution, he will try to avoid the whole issue altogether, rather than talking it out. To him, he will take it that since the woman may not understand or solve, why bother telling?
At this juncture, there were lots of applause and nodding from the women. What he said is so true! Even I can relate to that! He says that talking and sharing problems is all part of communication and commitment. By talking through, even if a solution cannot be met, the couple will still be able to bond with each other.
The last part of the seminar is on enjoyment – enjoying what you do, enjoying the time you have with your parents and loved ones. He says that if a teacher is so possessive or protective over her students and refuse to allow another teacher to take the class, this teacher is not enjoying.
If someone is enjoying what he / she is doing, he / she will want to share it with people. Just like for a family, if you enjoy the time with your parents or the parents enjoy the time with you, the warmth and hospitality will extend to others. By keeping all only within the family, the family is not really enjoying the time with each other.
How true that is! He said that his parents had passed on, but he did not feel the least bit upset, as he had enjoyed all the time with them when they were alive. Only by enjoying and making the most of it, that one will not miss it when the thing is gone.
That is another point of view I have not thought about. Perhaps by being upset when something or someone is gone, it shows that I have not enjoyed the time with the thing or person to the fullest?
He also said something surprising. He was talking about sexual affairs. If one becomes intimate with someone because you love the person and is committed, then the whole process will be so much more enjoyable.
Whereas if one gets intimate just for pleasure with no love involved, that is just it – for pleasure, and more often than not, the process will not be enjoyable. That is so true too!
Overall, it is an enriching and interesting seminar. I really learnt a lot and how to handle things better from now on. A pity it was only a one night affair. How I wish he will come again!
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