Revival ...

More than seven years ago, this blog was conceived. I had been writing a journal for a long time since schooldays, but I have never actually considered an online platform, until I was so inspired by a friend's blog. Unfortunately, he has since retired his blog so I am not able to read his amusing antics anymore.

Nevertheless, I started this blog as a platform for all my ravings and rantings. At that point in time, I was getting out of a relationship, and I wanted to start an online journal to document the stages and events of my life. It was so long ago and blogger was still blogger then before it was overtaken by google.

Since then, this "baby" has seen me through my ups and downs in life, the significant events, my observations and lessons, and the best thing that ever happened due to my blog is the friends I have made, fellow bloggers who actually enjoy what I write, people from all around the world. One of them has already become a pretty close friend, and another has also become relatively close (I hope). Coincidentally, both are from the same country.

It is not all smooth-sailing. I have had times when I wanted to shut down this blog, as there have been people who were offended by what they view as "inappropriate". I have lost some friends due to what I have written because they were not comfortable with me "baring all". Furthermore, my long-windedness and "essays" probably turn a lot of people off. Afterall, who is interested in reading the petty ramblings of an old spinster when there are "juicier" stories around?

There have been times when I thought of just acceding to what others request, like writing what they like to read, ie "juicy" stories. But then again, my blog is my own haven to rave and rant, why must I write to satisfy people? Even though I can be offensive and annoying, long-winded and naggy, petty and shallow, but the stories I shared are entirely my own, things I have experienced in life, the ups and downs, the hiffs and jiffs.

And that is what makes my life so real. I can choose to write only the happy things in my life, or paint a good facade of myself, but that will not be real. I am a person who can be emotional, moody, depressed and petty, because I am human. So I have every right to include all my emotions and experiences, good and bad, because these are all part of my life. Then fifty years later when I am old and senile, I can go back and read about what my life had been like and reflect on whether I turned out good or bad.

Some may think I tend to overdramatise. But I assure you, whatever experiences I have gone through, they are all real. I did not exaggerate anything, because there are indeed all kinds of people in this world, and I just happen to be lucky (or unlucky?) to have been able to meet certain kinds of people that adds some "colour" to my life.

Would I trade my life for anything? Definitely not. Despite everything, I love my life, and I do believe I did not turn out too badly. Would I change my stories just to satisfy others? Definitely not too, because these experiences are unique to me alone, and it is these experiences that make me grow and make my life more enriching.

When I started this blog, I did not know how long I can continue writing. I did not expect to to go on as long as it did. It came to a stage where I did not wish to stop, because documenting my life stories really help me in times of reflection. When I jot down things to express myself, I find myself becoming a more peaceful, calmer and better person.

Which is why I continued writing. I do not care about readership because I just want to write. I do not need thousands of readers. Even a few readers who actually like what I write and encourage me is more than enough for me. And to these people, I want to say "thank you very much" from the bottom of my heart.

I always thought I will retire this blog when I get married, because marriage is the next stage of life. It is the beginning of the rest of my life. Hence, the ramblings of an old spinster will no longer be relevant to the ramblings of a wife and mother.

However, about one and a half years ago, I stopped writing. I did not mean to do that, but things just happened. I started a new job in an American multinational, a job I had been praying for. I was involved in religious activities. I was (and still am) studying part-time. I was in a relationship.

The demands of my new job were too much for me, coupled with my studies, relationship and everyting else that came along, not to mention that my laptop was spoilt and my then company blocked just about every website, certain things just lapsed. So my blog became kind of defunct.

Coincidentally, the period of time I stopped writing happened to be the most dramatic times of my life. My relationship went downhill, and it was finally called off when I realise just exactly what he had been doing behind my back. I went for my first ever business trip. I got ostracised because of what the guy I was with did and lost a few friends whom I thought believed in me. I finally got confirmed in my new company after my probation got extended.

I voted for the first time, in the Presidential election. I went for a Conversion Experience Retreat, as well as an overdue healing retreat. I was asked to be the maid of honour at a wedding. I got a good appraisal and significant increment and bonus, my first in four years. I joined a Toastmasters Club and a Reading Club.

And then 2011 came to an end and 2012 came. Things started sliding. Just one year after my confirmation and three months after my good performance appraisal, all of a sudden I was accused of not doing well enough. I was accused of having only the knowledge of a second-year undergraduate, and I fought many "battles" with my then-superior and was finally terminated.

Now as we enter the second half and last quarter of the year, things seem to be picking up. I got a new job just before I went on my long trip to Sarawak. My current boss is offloading things to me without needing to go through him. And just slightly less than three months into this company, my boss said my work is perfect! And I will soon be going down under for some family time.

Hence, it is finally time to revive this blog. When google first took over blogger, I registered the google account together with a guy who turned out to be the biggest jerk on earth. After that, I registered my own google account, but I have not been able to transport this blog over to my new account, so I have been using the old account to log into the blog, but the new account for everything else.

But since I am going to revive this blog, I want to make a clean start all over again to enter the next stage of my life. So I finally decided to transport everything over to the new account. By doing that, I was not able to register the url of my original blog, hence I have to change my url. Which is a pity because I really like the original one, and the second one just does not seem "original" enough.

Now that the transporting is finally done, I shut down the old account for good. But the idiot in me did not realise that the photos I have stored are not automatically transported, hence all my photos (in Picasa) here are gone! *Sob Sob* Luckily I still have my photos stored elsewhere, but it is going to be too much of a hassle loading the photos again.

So whatever that was before and was gone, they were gone, just like my past experiences. Done and over. It is time to go to a new stage where there will be more experiences and more happiness, sadness, blood, tears and whatnot.

And for this, I make a promise that I will continue writing, for as long as I am able to.

Witnessing With The Love Of God

And that was the theme for the recently concluded Conference. We had four sessions of the "Witnessing With The Love of God" presentations, starting from Thursday evening, all the way until the late afternoon of Friday.

Essentially, the entire theme was on how to control our emotions and managing our anger. Anger itself is not a sin, but not doing anything about it or letting it control us is a sin. Every human being gets angry, but whether we get angry and then find peace, or whether we get angry and escalate it into revenge, it is on how we manage our own anger.

The presenters also gave us a book each, as our journals, on noting down who had made us angry and what we felt, what we could do. This made me wonder - there are many angry people in the world, but not everyone know how to manage their anger.

Some people manage their anger by bursting out at everyone and anyone. But they are usually harmless, because once they have an outburst, things are back to normal. It is their way of letting out.

Some people write down everything and every emotion. This is their way of letting out. Personally I find this method the best. I used to be a very angry person too. I thought the whole world was against me. I was insecure, negative, whiny, and took everything personally.

I hope I have grown out of that stage. Of course, there are still times when I am emotional, but who is not? But I realise that because I started this blog more than five years back, I could write down anything and everything, expressing myself without any reservation, that I actually grew from there. When I have written down, I could go back and take a look from a different perspective, and it really helped me to grow.

Now I can say I have stopped being so whiny and negative. I think I am more confident than before, more outspoken than before, and have the guts to say it as I see it, instead of hiding everything. I dare not say it is because of my blog that I change so much, but I daresay it somehow contributes a bit to who I am now, instead of who I was before.

Hence, writing is a very powerful tool. The pen is really mightier than the sword. Which is why I still do not wish to stop writing, as I have seen for myself how by penning down my issues, I am able to overcome them and become a better person.

In any case, the sessions concentrated on anger, emotions, writing down our feelings, thinking of people who have offended us in one way or another, and the final one - forgiveness. It is not hard being angry with someone, but it is very hard to forgive someone.

And that is the essence of the whole theme - on forgiveness. That we forgive whoever who had been making us angry, whoever we had issues with, whoever who had offended us, that we forgive and help them through. Because the moment we are able to actually forgive someone, we will no longer have a thorn in our hearts and really achieve peace.

And that is the greatest gift which God wants to give us - being able to forgive and have peace within ourselves, and with others. This is a lesson which I will never forget. In fact, this whole Conference has inspired me so much that I could even wake up so early just to attend mass! It has kind of renewed my faith a bit and I hope to be able to walk further with God.

Half A Decade

I cannot believe it has been five years. Five years ago, on this day (it was a Saturday), I decided to try writing again. I had no idea where to start so I just started noting down my thoughts, feelings and memories. Since then I have never stopped.

Mine is not the best blog around. I do not even have hundreds of readership everyday as some other blogs. But I have met friends who still follow my life. And for this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I do not imagine ever stopping. Perhaps one day this blog will be due to a retirement but for now, this still remains - as remnants of my mundane existence.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Launch Of Our New Project

Remember some time ago, I said I was busy with a new "project"? Well.. it is finally ready! I did not want to disclose much as I thought it may not see the light, but after both our efforts (mostly mine actually), we have come up with a new food blog for our gastronomical and culinary adventures.

So here it is! The unveiling of our new food blog! This will be where we begin our eating adventures, where we post recipes, reviews, cooking tips, cookbooks, food, food, glorious food, and more food.

I may still be posting food reviews here, but it will just be a skimpy one, as the new blog will contain more detailed information and pictures of the various epicurious events we would attend. Meanwhile, this still remains - as a momento of my boring life.

More Updates Via Mobile

So my previous experiment with BlogPress is not such a success. On the phone the post was indicated as published, but when I accessed it, the post was not reflected. I had to go to my laptop and re-publish again!

So it seems like there is still lots of tweaking before I can use this successfully. Strange that other blog portals have no problem with this at all.

Anyway today I finally went back to work. It had been a good break. Only thing was that due to the long break, everybody was in a mad rush and everything was urgent.

But it is good to go back to work, at least it helps to keep me occupied. In any case, it is best I treasure whatever free time I have before Cathechism classes and my lessons start around end of January, after which I will be craving for some free time!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Mobile Blogging

I managed to upload the application called "BlogPress" into my phone. Let me see if I can finally use my phone to blog. If this works, I may finally do away with the laptop in the end!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tag Cloud!

I have fallen in love with the animated tag clouds which I have seen in some websites, and have been trying to tweak my labels into the same cloud. But for some reason, my blog can take a normal tag cloud, but not the animated one. You know, the one where the labels are all moving? That is the one I am looking for.

I have gone through a few websites and tried to copy and paste the code according to the instructions, but for some reason, the labels disappeared and no moveable cloud can be seen! So until I trial and error further and get it exactly right, looks like I have to settle for a normal tag cloud for now. :-(

If anyone knows how to get that exactly right in blogger, I do appreciate your help!

Guest Blogging

Many have said I am a very prolific and consistent blogger. Perhaps, perhaps not. To me, I will not consider myself as prolific or consistent, I shall say I am long-winded to say the least? I have considered whether to let others post to my blog, but with my perfectionist and picky personality (in some areas), I rather stick to myself, as others may not write the way I write, or follow my style and format.

But then variety is the spice of life, is it not? It will be too boring and mundane if everything sticks the same. Things become very predictable after that. Hence I have invited him to be a guest blogger. (Can refer to his blog for some socio-philosophical issues close to his heart.)

He can write anything he likes on my space. This is the first guy I have been with who actually and totally appreciates my blog as much as I love it, others would either deem me too expressive or emotional, or else they are not comfortable with being "exposed" in cyberspace. Hence I have given him carte blanche to post anything he wants anytime he wants. He says I can post to his space too, but I have yet to receive an invitation. ;-D

Story Telling ....

I came across this quote which I find rather meaningful :

Writing to Save the Day (Fr Henri Nouwen)

Writing can be a true spiritual discipline. Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deeper stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences. By writing we can clarify what we have lived, and thus integrate it more fully into our journeys. Then writing can become life-saving for us and sometimes for others too.

This was quoted during a story-telling session of the CHOICE committee. The presenters had to write their talks and then present it to the participants. Writing itself is therapeutic, a good way to let out frustrations and emotions, but it is also a way to reflect, to see things in an objective way, and to learn from experiences and grow in our life’s journey.

Writing is not always easy. Writer’s block does occur, even to the most accomplished writers, let alone someone like me. But through writing, I start to discover more about myself, to see myself from the little bits and pieces I let out.

There have been people who have asked me, why not mark my posts private? Why must tell my life story to the whole world? What if I get judged and ostracized? Yes, I know the danger of living a “public” life. I have had lessons on spilling too much and getting betrayed in the end. I know the feeling of being judged by people without them knowing the full story.

But why do I still choose to share? Why do I not just write about mundane things, nice lovely things, instead of weird or "interesting" experiences? The thing is, and which I believe I have mentioned it, I do not believe in showing people only a beautiful façade. I can write about all the perfect boring things, but that is not real. I can behave in a nice and wholesome way and make others like me, trying to please everyone, but that is not me.

My life is not exactly wholesome, even though my family is more than wholesome. I have always been the black sheep. Life for me is never easy. It seems easy to my relatives, but not to me, because I never succeed in anything. Where my cousins are all first class honours and Masters in established professions, I am not at that level. Where they manage to find nice mates to settle down with after just one or the most two relationships, my love life is colourful and dramatic (to some) to say the least.

Yet I choose to blab all, not because to show off or that my story is so interesting, but because that is real. I can say everything is alright, pretending I am always happy and cheery, but that will not be real. In reality, things are never that good. I choose to show the good and the bad because that is how life is – taking the good and the bad.

And that is why I feel belonged in CHOICE. The presenters too have their own painful life experiences, yet they are willing to write and share with people they do not even know, without any fear of being judged. No one is perfect, so who are we to judge? Yes, one may be wholesome, but that does not mean others have the same kind of experiences, because some people go by life easier than others, whereas others go through an arduous journey before finding peace and being contented.

By sharing experiences and stories, it can be an inspiration. I am not so presumptuous to say that I have inspired others, but those presenters during my CHOICE weekend, have inspired me. They make me feel that I am not alone, that they too face the same kinds of problems, albeit in a different degree. They make me yearn to do more. They are all holding down demanding jobs and struggling with raising families, yet they take the time to share their experiences with us, to stay with us throughout, to encourage and motivate us. So how can I still be so laid back?

The participants inspired me too. With relationship problems and problems communicating with parents, these are just part and parcel of life. Some people may not have experienced it, but there are many others who have worse experiences, so we are not alone in this world. And I feel it is always good to listen and learn from others’ experiences, because that is real in the real world.

Someone from my prayer group brought up this point which I find rather apt. She said many people are afraid to share as they are afraid of being judged. But it is only those who dare to share, they dare to open up without being afraid of negativity, that they can truly accept their past and ultimately find peace. Only by opening up and daring to show love that you can get all the love back.

I find this really true! It was only by opening myself up to all things positive and negative that I can find peace, and know more people. I have tried and tested that, and that really works! I am not saying must say everything to the whole world, but by sharing experiences, it helps others to realise they are not alone, to make them feel warm and cared for. And that is good enough reason for me!

Second Millennium

Just realised this is my two thousandth post. Which makes me wonder, what in the world have I written that can generate so many entries? Besides mundane ramblings, do I really have that many things to write about?

Sometimes I wonder, maybe because I do not write fanciful stuff in my blog, so to some, I may not come across as intelligent. But as it is, I have already said my piece with regards to my blog - it is mine, a haven for self-expression. So I can blog about anything I like, I do not blog to please others. I just want to write, to let out my frustrations, to rave and rant and ramble.

In February 2007, one year nine months after I started blogging, I achieved a millennium. Now, June 2009, two years four months from the first millennium, I achieved a second one. I am rather proud of myself, because finally I have started something and keep going for a while now, instead of losing focus and giving up.

So for that, I am going into a hiatus. Last time round, it took two weeks before I was revived. Wonder how long more it is going to take me this time? For those of you who are still coming in, watch this space. I may be back sooner than you think! ;-D

Four Years On ....

Another twenty-eighth of May. Four years already. Has it been this long? Time really flies. A whoosh and before you know it, this blog has been going on for four years. Each time I contemplated quitting, retiring, but each time I just feel like writing more, even though there may be nothing much to write about lately.

At times I wonder why do I still keep going on if this blog has given me more trouble than peace? Maybe it was due to some of the things I write in my earlier days. Maybe it was due to how emotional and bitchy I used to be. Maybe it was due to the negative mentality I had. Even though I had outgrown all these phases and have become calmer and more positive, some who knew me from days long ago still could not accept certain things.

But who does not make mistakes? People who know me now, or in recent times, in the past couple of years, will never believe I used to be negative, not confident, anti-social and introverted, who revolved my life around the guy I was seeing that time, no matter how he treated me and no matter how I got cheated.

But it was through these that I picked myself up and became confident, got through my self-esteem problem, became sociable and somewhat extroverted, became more outspoken (something which I repressed for a long time) and opinionated, and essentially just went back to being myself with nary a care.

Thus, recent friends have remarked that I am outspoken, opinionated, bitchy, and the way I speak may scare off people. So be it! I do not become like this for nothing. After a very depressing time, I resolved never to get cheated or to revolve myself around any man again! I have made lots of resolutions, but that is one I intend to keep, all to protect myself from harm and undesirable men, must as I yearn for a good man.

So anyway, back to this blog. Upon looking back at my earlier entries, I do feel ashamed somewhat that I was a worse being. I hope I am now a better person. People do grow. Much as I like to hide my earlier entries, I told myself that is who I am, that was who I used to be. Everyone has a past. Instead of hiding, why not just let it remain and face it?

Without a past, there will be no future. To truly be at peace with myself, I must face my past and able to let go and just look back with an objective view, instead of hiding. If I am to hide, then it will not be real. So whoever who bothers to actually read the earlier entries will find out the real me through the years, and not just a facade.

Hence this still continues. Still filled with my ramblings and ravings of my mundane existence. Perhaps this will go on forever, perhaps I will retire it one day. But till then, this remains as a key to unlock my inner feelings.

A Dawn Of Realisation ....

I am totally, absolutely, bewildered! I just came across something that explains why certain things happened and people started turning hostile towards me. This incident happened about two years back but now I finally got the full picture!

What happened was, out of curiousity, I did a search for my moniker. And I stumbled upon a comment I left in someone’s blog, saying something rather insensitive. The moniker is mine, the url is mine (was mine actually, as it was linked to my old url), but the comment was definitely not by me! I will never say anything remotely insensitive to anyone!

Needless to say, in this blogger’s next post, “I” was blasted for my insensitive comment. This incident happened about a month before my name got ruined in public in someone else’s blog, which caused me to “move house”. When that happened, I thought someone had betrayed me, but now that I realize why, I could finally fathom why people did that to me – because they thought I was the one who made the insensitive remark in the blog!

Confusing? Perhaps if I linked the respective blogs here it would be better. But I have decided to let sleeping dogs lie. Besides, it would be very long overdue to apologise and clarify that I DID NOT LEAVE THAT COMMENT IN THE BLOG! I swear I did not! Yes, I have known the existence of the blog where “I” supposedly left the insensitive comment, but I have never gone in to read it until today. And I only did so because I saw my moniker in the blog, so decided to go in and see what the blogger wrote about me!

I should have done this a long time back, then perhaps I could have clarified that it was not me! Someone somehow hacked into my account, used my name and moniker and my old url to leave insensitive remarks into people’s blogs! No wonder those people knew my blog despite me changing it!

But then again, if I had discovered and clarified then, would anyone have believed me? It is my moniker after all, and it was linked to my blog. There were already disagreements over certain issues, so would they have believed me? I knew about the disagreements but I was bewildered why they became so hostile even though I did not write anything detrimental to anyone. Now I finally know - two years overdue.

Which makes me wonder, who, if anyone, would do this? It seemed like I was betrayed after all. It makes me really disgusted! If I had written that, I would never have forgiven myself as well, I would have been hostile to myself too! The thing is, only the people involved in those people and who knew the full story would leave that kind of comment, thus triggering more hostility towards me! Why would anyone do that? Did it benefit anyone to get me into that kind of trouble?

Views Of A Blog Fight

Yesterday's newspaper featured an article on how two high-profile bloggers are suing each other over defamatory remarks on each other's blogs regarding the other party. I always maintain it is one's choice whether to have a blog, and if so, we choose what we want to write in it, what we want to express. So some can become famous after blogging, these are the lucky ones. But must it get to such a stage that they start suing each other over freedom of expression on a platform that is used for personal expression?

Perhaps they have done it in very bad taste, ie making personal attacks on each other's characters. I have gotten that before too. No doubt it created publicity (I got about a thousand hits that day when my real name, id and old url was published and ruined in public), but at the end of the day, I chose to change my link to keep out of the trouble because I do not blog to please anyone, or to make myself famous, or be in the limelight. That was why I "shifted house" so to speak, not to be a coward and fled, like how some people thought.

It is true also that even though blogs are highly popular now and a haven for public discussion and debate, as well as wells of information, one should also be discerning what one writes or reports on and not ruin someone's name in public. So where do we draw the line?

I know I am very open as well, and I know I am very outspoken. I say it like it is, instead of being nice and hypocritical and bear grudges inside me. I do not bear grudges (unless the person really got my life ruined, and I can think of one person who did just that), so even though I could complain, rave and rant about people I have come across, the shallowness, childishness, selfishness, et al, in the end I do not name anyone in particular, so to those not in the know, they really have no idea who I am referring to. I can be talking about anyone in general.

And for sure I will not go around putting up anyone's full name, picture, email address, etc, on a public forum for all and sundry to see. What is the meaning of that? Why do I want to do that for? To show everyone what an idiot or childish or uncouth or irritating person look like? Everyone is entitled to their own lives and privacy, so even though I may grumble ever so often, I still respect people's privacy.

When I get irritated, I GET irritated, so I will rave about the actions and antics people get up to, and whether the person is worth my time. But at the end of it all, I will not tell tales about anyone, because whatever I say is from my own experiences and feelings. One cannot judge me for feeling how I feel because I am just human and a woman, with every bit a woman's feelings and emotions. I do not have a man's rationality or logicality, so I admit I will be very "small-minded" at times.

Still, how I express is how I express. Nothing more, nothing less. I am not such an expert linguist that I can convery the best message across in the least number of words, which is why I tend to be very expressive and long-winded. But that is just me. It is just how and who I am, people can either accept or not accept it.

Three Years On ....

Can anyone believe it has been three years? Three years ago I told myself I needed to take charge of my life and enter a different stage, three years on it seems that things are still the same. Perhaps I have grown a bit, my perceptions have changed somewhat. Most important is that I have had a roller coaster ride (make that several roller coaster rides) and emerged probably stronger and more sensible (I hope!).

What are the best things that have happened throughout these three years? I guess the best thing that can ever happen is that new friendships have been established and cultivated. A while back, I was lamenting the loss of some friends, but in the end I realise if they can drop me just like that, then they were probably not that true in the first place.

That is human nature, is it not? Always drawn to a nice facade, drawn to what they deem as perfection, but once the image is shattered, they will just drop. But how many of us are really without flaws? I, for one, am definitely not flawless, so I do not expect people around me to be perfect, but at the same time, at least behave in a way that is bearable and not like a prick.

Normally around this time, I will adopt another new look. But I shall stick with this for now, because it comes to a stage where there are only so many templates one can play with. Besides, there is no inclination for me to change, as my life is slowly getting back on track, and I want to remain as cheerful as the blue sky (hence the colour scheme, not what it used to represent).

What I am glad is that my writings may be open, but they still retain a sense of privacy at the same time. At least unless you are the person in question, no one else really knows the entire background, despite how much I tend to let out. Which is why I do not want to introduce anyone by name, so there is a sense of anonymity yet familiarity at the same time.

By now, I guess most should have known my family background, how many members are there in my family, and how my relationship with my parents, especially my mum, have improved through the years. I am sure most will also know how idealistic I (still) am. Hopefully people will agree that I have grown, somewhat, as compared to when I first started musing.

I guess life experiences do play a part. One never really grows and learns until one experiences certain things in life. It is these experiences that change my perceptions in certain things, that I have learnt to accept certain things. And having my memories, thoughts and feelings documented is a good way of going back and reflect, telling myself to relive the good times and learn from the bad.

I know I am open, but I try to be as real as I can, because life itself is full of ups and downs. If everything is smooth sailing, that will be so boring! Life itself is like a big meal, with something sweet, sour, bitter, spicy, all in one. Which is why I say it like it is, although I know not everyone is able to accept it.

Yes, three years and ongoing. How long more? I keep telling myself that it is time to retire, but I have already resolved that the day I retire this blog will be the day I get married, if and when that ever happens. And from the looks of things, that may be still a long time more.

Meanwhile, this still exists, for the ramblings and rantings of my mundance existence. To those who have dropped me comments and emails about certain things I have written, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, because it is a good feeling to know I have inspired others.

A Foodie Blog Of Thine Relation

I must have been blind. All my random readings of blogs, food blogs in particular, I never discovered this until recently. To top it off, it is my cousin's blog! My half-cousin actually, for those who knows my family background.

Anyway, it was her brother who started the blog, on all kinds of food and restaurant reviews. These are my well-priviledged cousins, with looks, brains, wealth, scholarships to top universities, anything and everything.

So for those who, for some reason, think I have all-encompassing knowledge and am a gourmet who go around sourcing for the best food and the best places, you have not met them. It runs in the family - to go eating at the best places and finding out where the best food are.

And I am proud to be related to them!

My Facebook Blog

For a while now, I have been contemplating creating another space where I will do some random writings, as well as to pen down short stories or ideas of stories. People will ask, what, then, is this space for? When I first created this space, it is to note down whatever thoughts that come into my mind, general, specific, details, anything, as well as memories of the times in case I become senile in the future.

As time goes by, I realise that I have to be responsible over what I write, that I cannot just blast out anything and everything, especially in my more emotional state. But this space has become so much a part of my life that I feel reluctant to shut it down or lay it off altogether.

Recently, I found some long-lost friends, and they have been rather interested to know what has been going on in my life. This space is for all and sundry to read, but then there are certain details which I have let on that I do not feel so comfortable telling everybody now.

Besides, unless they have known me intimately through the years and will not judge, chances are it is not a good idea to let on about this space. Thus, this blog is only for those I really trust enough and those who have been following my writings throughout, and know at least what kind of person I am.

So I have created a new space, just for those who requested. I will call it my Facebook blog, as whenever that space is updated, it will be in my Facebook notes. That space will not be updated as frequently, as that is only for random thoughts and general observations I come across, nothing detailed, specific or intimate.

Thus, my long-lost friends can still get updated on what is going on, but at the same time, there will be nothing too specific to trigger any form of tremendous reaction. For those who want to check it out, here it is. :-)

Planning A "Retirement"

The weather is making me feel a little under the weather. After the cool climate last week, the weather is becoming warmer. Today feels hot. The sun is shining again and everywhere is bright. Come to think of it, I can never imagine life without sunshine. It is sunshine that makes everything beautiful.

My parents are away touring the south of China, so it is up to me to take charge of the household again. Being a housekeeper is not all cut out to be, especially since one gets accused of being bossy when one is just following instructions.

Come to think of it, is it better to be the bad guy or the good guy? Good guy by following instructions yet incurring the dislike and unpopularity of others, or bad guy by not following instructions yet being popular.

I was reading some of my older entries, and realise that for the past couple of years, I have been an emotional wreck. It is mostly a question of being the good guy or the bad guy. How often have I been the good guy but gained unpopularity, yet at the same time, I believe in saying as it is instead of being hypocritical.

One can show all the good facade, portraying a beautiful and impressive image, but that is not real. On the other hand, I have been criticised, rather harshly sometimes, by saying what I did, but that is real. And the reality of life is like that - full of ups and downs, happiness and sadness.

I can choose to portray everything that is good and happy, but that will not be real. My life itself is full of ups and downs, happpiness and sadness. I know I am living a much better life than many others, but everyone has his / her own share of good times and bad times. I choose to portray the good and the bad together, because that is part of me.

While reading through my past entries, I realise that there are many things which I should have and should not have done. At that point in time, I was too emotionally-swayed to really think things through objectively. Now upon looking back and in a more objective frame of mind, I cannot believe I felt that way or done those things.

But one learns, is it not? How many people do not have a past? I have a clean enough record at least, never been in jail, never smoke or take drugs or gamble, never bought any lottery. At least I have learnt not to be too emotional and think with my head instead.

I have learnt that ever since getting cheated by a certain someone, and I have learnt that all the more ever since my Malta and United Kingdom trip. Now that it is almost the end of the year, I hope to start the new year on a clean slate, being able to have a simpler life without much troubles.

My friend who got me started on blogging has officially retired his blog. I wonder if it is because of his recent change in status? Many times I want to retire this blog too, because now that my life has stabilised and I am no longer that emotionally swayed, I think it is time to embark on a new journey.

However, somehow I cannot stop myself writing. So perhaps I will make it a new goal. The day I get married will be the day when I officially retire this blog. Because that will be the day when I really embark on a new phase in life.

At this rate, I guess I have to continue writing for a long while more. But one never knows, is it not? Never say never, who knows by this time next year I could be married? I am being very optimistic and hopeful here.

A Morbid Thought

I had a rather morbid thought. No idea why, but somehow I started thinking about negative things (again!) which sort of dampened my mood a little. I am not sure how many of you remember, but there have been some trouble over my blog last year.

Some people will say if I do not want trouble, then make my blog private, or do not blog totally. For me, I just want a little haven where I can escape to for reflections, musings and noting down of the mundane things in life, so that if I ever go senile in the future, I still have memories intact.

Which is why although the minor trouble affected me for a while, I managed to let it go. Afterall, I consider blogs (no matter who they belong to) as freedom of expressions as well as a forum for discussions and debates. If people want to be nasty, then that is their problem.

There is a Chinese saying that "mouths belong to others so one need not care what they say". How true! I realise that if I am to keep being so agitated over what others say, then I will lapse into deep depression and not be objective to see exactly how beautiful the world is!

So how is this related to the morbid thought? When I started my blog, I refused to put up any photos of myself, as to me, I feel I am nothing good to look at. Then after numerous requests by friends and acquaintances, especially those who have not seen me for a while (and those who have never seen me before), I acceded to the request.

After that, I realise that this is what I look like, I cannot change it for anything. Even if I groom myself and have a makeover, essentially that will only make me look a bit nicer, but my original look will never change. So why fight it?

And that is why I had been having this morbid thought of some cyber stalkers / nasty people / trouble-makers actually printing out one of my photos, blowing it up into a poster size, then pinning it up and throwing eggs and daggers at me. Perhaps these people wake up in the morning and cast some voodoo spell on me, which may explain why I seem to be having a spate of bad luck lately.

Maybe I am really thinking too much. Anything out of sight, out of mind, I should not even bother. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Just live life the way I want to and remain positive. Looks like I have to start cleansing my mind of negativity again.

Pre-Exam Jitters ....

I will be taking my examination tonight. I am so nervous that I am practically hyperventilating! I never have such good luck that whatever I studied always came out in the examination. Rather, I always see very unfamiliar topics, then I would start panicking and wondering just how to scrape through the paper.

It is tough to study and work at the same time, all the more so since my school has issued a notice that if we do not get a cumulative GPA of 2, we can only take one module the next semester, and not two. If the cumulative GPA is less than 2 for three consecutive semesters, the school will then issue a letter of termination and we will be asked to leave the course. Now that is really scary! At times I much prefer the old Credit Unit system, where as long as one fulfils the required number of credits, one will be able to graduate.

I was so stressed that I started changing my blog look (again). I have wanted to change for quite a while already, especially since end of this month will be the second anniversary. I kept holding back as I was afraid if I do change, it will look similar to some other person's blog, and the last thing I want is for people to accuse me of plagiarism and ruin my name in public again.

But then on the other hand, why must I not stick to something I like? Just because I like something which someone else also likes, does it mean I am not allowed to do it then? Am I supposed to do something totally unlike me just so I can avoid being similar to someone else? Who are others to say what I can or cannot do? This is my own haven for self-expression, and what better way to express myself than to rave and rant, and have something eye-catching for myself?

Achieving Millenium ....

It is time for a celebration! Why? Because it is my 1000th post! I never know I can go that far, and this is a great achievement on my part! Along the way, there have been times when I feel so disillusioned, when I feel so much like giving up, when I feel like just shutting down the whole thing. But in the end, I persevered, and now this is where I am.

Thus, this post is dedicated to everyone who has followed me through my ups and downs, the encouragement and advise, the inspirations you have given me. It is because of you that I go on.

Everyone listed here (utmost apologies and please forgive me for using your real names) - Richard, Jacq, Kai, Yopi, Ricky, Sing Phang, Sentosa, Gus, Grace, Adrian, Kelvin (Chan). And all those not listed, because I have no idea who you are, as well as all those I left out but who make the list anyway.

And to my new friends from Write Clique - Kelvin (Quee), Rena, Yau-ming, The Iceman, Qiurong, Mark. Who else have I left out?

A special someone, who shall remain nameless, but you know who you are, you who have been with me throughout the past year, witnessing my little hiffs and jiffs, my ups and downs, and my extreme mood swings.

And to you, my dear angel, for being my greatest inspiration and encouragement to continue writing.

With that, a very sincere "THANK YOU" from the very bottom of my heart, to each and everyone of you! Nothing can express the gratitude I feel, and nothing else I can say, but thank you.

So for that, I shall take a well-deserved break! But I will be back!