What is the role of a husband or father? I am probably the least experienced to say this, considering my status. But I have seen what good husbands and fathers do through observations of the people around me.
A good husband should be one who provides support and companionship for the wife (and vice versa of course), to carve out a family life together with her, has an active role in parenting together with her, and make decisions together.
A good father is one who spends time with his children, helps them out in their problems, talks and communicates with them, supervises them, provides for them and guides them in the right path, while showing support along the way.
I know being a parent is probably the most difficult thing in the world. At times I wish there can be a guidebook for new parents or wannabe parents.
And if there is more than one child, the difficulty comes in because different children have different characters and to be treated differently. One approach does not speak for all, even as a teacher, let alone a parent.
I am not sure, but perhaps it is more difficult for a father. It is natural (at least I think so) for a mother to take care of the children, because she is the one who gave birth to them, and having a child in her stomach, feeling the child growing until the day it is born is the greatest achievement any woman can ever experience.
Because of this, a mother will always feel bonded with the child, and will want to give the best to the child. Perhaps whatever happens to the child, the mother will be the first one to feel it.
The father is not the one who feels the baby inside him, so as compared to a mother, he may not feel that bonded.
I am not saying that fathers are not bonded to the children, but perhaps because fathers are not the ones who gave birth to the children, in a way they may never be able to experience what the mother experienced? (I am NOT putting down all fathers in general).
How does a father show he cares? This question comes to mind because I know and can see how my mum devotes herself to the family, but somehow I have never seen it in my dad.
In a way, it is like I have no father because he is always away, and even when he is around, he never really bothers spending time with us.
My mum grew up without her father. The only paternal love she gets is from my granduncle whenever he came to visit, which is why my mum is still full of respect and piety to him.
She wanted a complete family, so married my dad as she saw from his family how family-oriented they are, from my grandfather to my uncles and even my grandmother’s side of the family.
Yet now, due to my dad being away all the time, she feels unfair to us as she thinks we grow up without proper fatherly love, like she is a single parent to all of us. That is why she told me never bring up a child without a complete family where both the parents are around.
My brother told me he overheard a conversation between my mum and my aunt a few days back. She said that she had enough of the man, this is the last straw. But she will still fulfil her responsibility as a daughter-in-law to my grandma and a sister-in-law to my aunt.
He asked me if I realise what that means. Of course I do. Our worst fears are coming true. But in a way, if the worst really happens, it will be a relief to my mum, as she was the one who had suffered the most.
This came about because my brother got into some trouble recently. And he was worried he may get expelled from his school, just weeks before the major examinations.
I said that he had nothing to worry about, since he had not physically injured or harmed anyone. The school would not give him public caning or expel him, probably the most he would get is a stern warning with the parents called in.
Apparently, the school authorities are nicer than expected, since they did not lecture him. He was just made to write an apology letter and go for a week’s detention. Good for him to learn this lesson, otherwise he would forever think he could get away with anything.
My mum called my dad, and beseeched him to come back to guide my brother on the right path. As usual, he came up with some excuse on why he could not come back, on why my mum always called him at a bad time.
She was totally riled, as he could not come back when my grandma was sick, or had to be hospitalized for a surgery, or when I had to go for the surgery, or when the house was crumbling and she had to change a few contractors, and now he could not come back when my brother had trouble and needed him around the most.
My dad once brought my mum to China so that she would be able to understand what he does, but according to her, he seems like he is just living off his associate, staying at his associate’s place, playing computer games the whole day, and essentially not doing anything really important.
She says that since he is not really doing anything much, why not come back and stay around more often? He says his business and meetings come as and when, so he needs to stay around just in case, but to her, she feels he is just giving excuses.
She told me that a man who does not confront the situation head on is an irresponsible coward. To her, a real man will be one who provides for the family, and support and be there for the wife and family in times of difficulties.
A husband’s role is one who is together with the wife in times of adversity, and not just leaving her alone to face all the problems on her own while he hides in his own shell. And to me, that is what I feel a couple should do – face things together and be there for each other.
I do not blame my mum if she makes up her mind to leave. I am just as disappointed in my dad, and now, even my brother is getting disappointed with him.
I only feel sorry for her because after everything she has done, life has been unfair to her. Someone like her deserves better, a better husband, and better children, instead of having three abnormal kids.
I have been trying to figure out what I can do for her. And now I think I know. She is going to retire in a number of years. She has told me that upon retirement, she will sell away the house, downgrade to a small flat and use the money as her retirement fund.
That will be so sad, because this house is her toil and sweat. She scrimped and saved and toiled just to afford and pay off this house, all because she wishes us to have a good and comfortable life, a life better than what she had.
So I have a target. I will also start to scrimp and save even more, so that I can build up my capital. Then by the time she sells this house, I will buy it from her, under her name, so she can still continue staying in her house, and I will take care of her in her later years. The house belongs to her, and no one else can ever take it away.
I know this is not a lot, compared to what she had done for me, which I can never pay it back in this life. But after everything she has gone through in her life, I will want her to have a comfortable retirement and a good life in her later years.
A good husband should be one who provides support and companionship for the wife (and vice versa of course), to carve out a family life together with her, has an active role in parenting together with her, and make decisions together.
A good father is one who spends time with his children, helps them out in their problems, talks and communicates with them, supervises them, provides for them and guides them in the right path, while showing support along the way.
I know being a parent is probably the most difficult thing in the world. At times I wish there can be a guidebook for new parents or wannabe parents.
And if there is more than one child, the difficulty comes in because different children have different characters and to be treated differently. One approach does not speak for all, even as a teacher, let alone a parent.
I am not sure, but perhaps it is more difficult for a father. It is natural (at least I think so) for a mother to take care of the children, because she is the one who gave birth to them, and having a child in her stomach, feeling the child growing until the day it is born is the greatest achievement any woman can ever experience.
Because of this, a mother will always feel bonded with the child, and will want to give the best to the child. Perhaps whatever happens to the child, the mother will be the first one to feel it.
The father is not the one who feels the baby inside him, so as compared to a mother, he may not feel that bonded.
I am not saying that fathers are not bonded to the children, but perhaps because fathers are not the ones who gave birth to the children, in a way they may never be able to experience what the mother experienced? (I am NOT putting down all fathers in general).
How does a father show he cares? This question comes to mind because I know and can see how my mum devotes herself to the family, but somehow I have never seen it in my dad.
In a way, it is like I have no father because he is always away, and even when he is around, he never really bothers spending time with us.
My mum grew up without her father. The only paternal love she gets is from my granduncle whenever he came to visit, which is why my mum is still full of respect and piety to him.
She wanted a complete family, so married my dad as she saw from his family how family-oriented they are, from my grandfather to my uncles and even my grandmother’s side of the family.
Yet now, due to my dad being away all the time, she feels unfair to us as she thinks we grow up without proper fatherly love, like she is a single parent to all of us. That is why she told me never bring up a child without a complete family where both the parents are around.
My brother told me he overheard a conversation between my mum and my aunt a few days back. She said that she had enough of the man, this is the last straw. But she will still fulfil her responsibility as a daughter-in-law to my grandma and a sister-in-law to my aunt.
He asked me if I realise what that means. Of course I do. Our worst fears are coming true. But in a way, if the worst really happens, it will be a relief to my mum, as she was the one who had suffered the most.
This came about because my brother got into some trouble recently. And he was worried he may get expelled from his school, just weeks before the major examinations.
I said that he had nothing to worry about, since he had not physically injured or harmed anyone. The school would not give him public caning or expel him, probably the most he would get is a stern warning with the parents called in.
Apparently, the school authorities are nicer than expected, since they did not lecture him. He was just made to write an apology letter and go for a week’s detention. Good for him to learn this lesson, otherwise he would forever think he could get away with anything.
My mum called my dad, and beseeched him to come back to guide my brother on the right path. As usual, he came up with some excuse on why he could not come back, on why my mum always called him at a bad time.
She was totally riled, as he could not come back when my grandma was sick, or had to be hospitalized for a surgery, or when I had to go for the surgery, or when the house was crumbling and she had to change a few contractors, and now he could not come back when my brother had trouble and needed him around the most.
My dad once brought my mum to China so that she would be able to understand what he does, but according to her, he seems like he is just living off his associate, staying at his associate’s place, playing computer games the whole day, and essentially not doing anything really important.
She says that since he is not really doing anything much, why not come back and stay around more often? He says his business and meetings come as and when, so he needs to stay around just in case, but to her, she feels he is just giving excuses.
She told me that a man who does not confront the situation head on is an irresponsible coward. To her, a real man will be one who provides for the family, and support and be there for the wife and family in times of difficulties.
A husband’s role is one who is together with the wife in times of adversity, and not just leaving her alone to face all the problems on her own while he hides in his own shell. And to me, that is what I feel a couple should do – face things together and be there for each other.
I do not blame my mum if she makes up her mind to leave. I am just as disappointed in my dad, and now, even my brother is getting disappointed with him.
I only feel sorry for her because after everything she has done, life has been unfair to her. Someone like her deserves better, a better husband, and better children, instead of having three abnormal kids.
I have been trying to figure out what I can do for her. And now I think I know. She is going to retire in a number of years. She has told me that upon retirement, she will sell away the house, downgrade to a small flat and use the money as her retirement fund.
That will be so sad, because this house is her toil and sweat. She scrimped and saved and toiled just to afford and pay off this house, all because she wishes us to have a good and comfortable life, a life better than what she had.
So I have a target. I will also start to scrimp and save even more, so that I can build up my capital. Then by the time she sells this house, I will buy it from her, under her name, so she can still continue staying in her house, and I will take care of her in her later years. The house belongs to her, and no one else can ever take it away.
I know this is not a lot, compared to what she had done for me, which I can never pay it back in this life. But after everything she has gone through in her life, I will want her to have a comfortable retirement and a good life in her later years.
2 comments:
what did your brother do anyway?
I am cautious of people who talk about the roles we must play - I am very anarchistic and opposed to being coerced into playing a role.
Both partners must work together to forge a new path and direction in life. It is not easy. Commitment is an essential ingredient to success.
You cannot prepare for everything because life is full of surprises and each change and advancement brings its own issues. When a couple is childless, there is a particular dynamic. When (if?) a child is born, a different dynamic enters. Having two kids changes the balance even more. Working longer hours, having to travel more. Illness in the family, etc...
You cannot plan ahead for any of it, but what you can do is ensure that you and your partner are committed to working it out - to charting a joint path through life together.
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