Welcoming New Experiences

I was doing some thinking last night (right, what is new?). I was reflecting on the stories I have read and movies and television dramas I have seen. In a lot of the stories, when people break up, they really move on, but sometimes some may get back together.

But this is only fiction. In real life it is not always the case. No doubt sometimes real life can be more dramatic than fiction, and fairy tales do come true, but in the real world, there are many things beyond one's control.

Especially when it comes to feelings and human emotions, that is one area that is the most uncontrollable, even more so for someone like me who lets her feelings overrule all forms of rationality and level-headedness.

Ever since back during my teaching days, I have had well-meaning colleagues who have advised me to open my eyes wide before settling down with anyone. I learnt a lesson from an ex-colleague (the one in England now) as she almost married the wrong guy, who cheated her.

When my second ex chose to break up, my whole world came crashing down. I was totally devastated. I viewed him as irresponsible and unfaithful. But according to my best friend, he said he could no longer foresee a future with me, so he thought it would be best not to drag on and move on.

At that point in time, all I cared about was why he did that to me, when I have given him the best years of my life and youth. We had been through so many ups and downs. We went through quite a few difficulties along the way before we finally got together.

When I first met him, I had a good impression as he is witty, gentlemanly and articulate. That was years ago, when we both attended the same orientation. He was one year my senior and one of the helpers. He then became the student mentor of my tutorial group.

We were also in the same hall, so often ended up going for breakfast and supper together. He got to know my peers and I got to know his peers. Initially he was after my classmate, and I helped him to date her. Then he passed me a love letter which he wrote to her. She read it and told me to return to him as she was not interested.

So I gave it back to him, and he told me to help him read through to see if he had offended her in anyway. That was the turning point. The moment I read the letter, my heart melted. I was so touched and that was when I realised I had fallen for him.

There were still other hiccups along the way, like my best friend, whom for some reason did not have that good an impression of him at first. She did not want me to end up like before, when I took so long to get out of the hurt and depression.

There were also the mind games we played with each other, like I thought he was still after my classmate, and he thought I was not interested, and even though he did indicate interest I thought I was just a backup.

Then he sprained his ankle playing football. I asked my best friend to go with me to visit him at home since we all stayed near each other. But she went on a date with her then-boyfriend, leaving me to visit him alone.

I bought him some lunch, then we spent the afternoon just talking and hanging out with each other. So we finally confessed what we felt for each other, and that was the day we started and I had dinner with his family on the day itself.

Since then it was more than six years of ups and downs. He was with me when my maternal grandma did her first bypass surgery. I was with him when his family suffered a financial setback and had to downgrade.

We were at each other's graduation ceremonies, and even took a photo together with our convocation gowns. I went with him for job interviews, for his driving test, even his witness when he signed the employment contract with the airline.

He was with me when I had to go to a former student's place to pass him some books, went with me whenever I moved in and out of the hostel, saw me off at the airport whenever I went on a trip (and vice versa).

In those times where there were no mobiles and auto-roaming, whenever we were overseas, we got by with writing letters. We would write letters everyday we were away and then when we were back we would exchange the letters we wrote, and read them together, where I would often end up crying because of the way he wrote.

There were quarrels of course, especially when he was in a bad mood or lost a football or computer game, and he would start throwing his temper around. Some of the quarrels snowballed to fights where he could almost turn violent. There were phases of cold war and not talking to each other, shouting at each other over the phone and banging down of the phone.

But we managed to survive through all those. There were a few times where we called it quits before slamming down the phone, and I would end up crying in my room or crying myself to sleep.

However he would always contact me the next day, apologising, or if I did not hear from him for two days, I would contact him and then we took it that nothing happened and continued as before.

Yet we could not survive the last test, where the last couple of months we ended up quarrelling everyday because of differences in opinions, of how the wedding should be like, of how the flat should look like, of how religious I should be. He wanted me to get baptised before the ceremony, but at that point in time, I was unsure. It was as if God was telling me that I was not ready yet.

I almost wanted to cancel the Sydney trip, but he said to take the time off for both of us to think things through, whether we could still salvage. And that was the final test, which we failed. If we had survived that, perhaps things would be different.

I am not living in the past (again) but it was from this experience that I really learnt a lesson. Of course, that time I was still so emotionally messed up to really think things through properly. Come to think of it, I was so shallow and childish, only focusing on the negative aspects instead of the positive aspects.

I learnt the lesson two years later. A bit overdue, but when I was giving up on my third ex, I started to think over what my second ex had said - that he could not foresee a future with me anymore, that it would be best to move on instead of dragging on.

And then I realised how right he was! I was lamenting that it was six years of my life and youth, but then again, it was also six years of his life and youth. So both of us suffered, both of us sacrificed, but the bigger picture was that at the end of it all, it would be for the rest of our lives, and six years is but minuscule in the bigger light. And I believed it was not an easy decision for him to make as well.

Just like it was not an easy decision for me when I told my third ex I wanted out. And he said in that case, out I go. But that was nothing compared to the previous experience, because honestly, I never had that kind of feelings for him, which made me very apologetic for him on why I went with him in the first place before I was truly ready.

And I also learnt another lesson - that if you truly love or care for someone, his / her happiness and thinking in his / her interests is what matters. If letting go will make him / her happy and allow him / her to move on and become better, then so be it. If you truly love or care for someone, then you should not be the one to hold him / her back.

So I have resolved to let go totally. Painful as it is, but perhaps it is for the best. How can it be anymore painful than what I have been through in recent years? I have gone through and survived the messiest period of my life. I just need to be more determined to keep things under control. I have done it before, and I can do it once I am determined enough to.

Only by truly letting go can new experiences be welcomed, and the doors can be opened for better opportunities. So yes, I am moving on at last. And with that, I feel so much lighter than before!

My Dream House

Hearing the complaints my best friend has with the interior designer that did her flat, makes me determined to decorate my own place myself in the future. Come to think of it, I have never really thought about what my own place will look like.

Few years back, when my ex and I were undergoing wedding preparations, his dad actually bought a new flat as a wedding gift for us (or rather, for when he got married). Apparently, the flat has since been sold so he and his current wife bought a new place together.

I was not really happy with the place because firstly, it was in one of the new far northeastern estates, which was rather inconvenient to get to and very out of the way. Secondly, the flat was so small! The living room was extremely big, but the bedrooms were small! The master bedroom only had the space for a double bed, cupboard and dresser!

But that point in time, we were of the opinion that it was already very lucky we did not need to get a place ourselves, so decided to just make do with it.

I am used to a big bedroom. My bedroom is already the smallest amongst all the bedrooms, since I am the only one occupying it. Yet, it has the space to put in a queen-sized bed, my electone, a chest of drawers, two big wardrobes, a bookshelf and a study / writing table, with space to spare! I still have wall space to hang a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, and two big windows wall to wall!

Okay, I know I cannot compare this way because a mere flat or apartment definitely does not have the space for such a big bedroom. Actually I do not need to stay in a landed place all the time. A mere flat or apartment will suffice.

But it has to have at least three bedrooms. Of course, the living room and dining room has to be separated. The kitchen must have an oven where I can bake to my heart's content, as well as a dish washer for the convenience of washing dishes. A portion of the living room can be partitioned off to make into a study, where the computers and working area is.

One bedroom will be converted to a library / music studio, where I can store all my books, the piano, the electone and whatever other instruments I may get in the future. So whenever I am in the mood to read, I can go there and lounge on the reading couch, or play a tune on the piano or electone.

The second bedroom will be used as the parents' / kids' / guest room, whatever that comes then. And of course, the master bedroom will consist of a king-size bed, a dressing table, a writing desk and a walk-in wardrobe leading to the attached bathroom. The walk-in wardrobe can also be used to store whatever books that cannot be fit into the bookshelf.

As for the bathroom, there will be a bathtub together with a separate glass-enclosed standing shower. I always love soaking in the tub, except my parents worry I may drown so they never install any bathtubs in my bathroom.

And of course, there will be a television set and DVD player in the master bedroom, as well as the living room. The music studio will be exclusively for music and reading, so no television sets or DVD players will be put in there. The master bedroom will also have a portable CD-player-cum-radio-cum-alarm clock.

The guest room will also have a television set and DVD player. In this way, everyone can watch their respective programs without fighting over the television. The living room will also have a surround sound system for great movie watching, or music appreciation, since the stereo / CD player will also be there. I like to have great surround sound, as that will be like being in a real cinema or theatre!

The doors will be made of rose wood, and painted white, with gold door knobs (the horizontal types, not the round types). The walls will be off white, more towards cream. The window grilles will be white, in those British-style (that have six squares in one window pane) tinted glass, and the windows will be those that require to be pushed open or pulled back to close, not the sliding types.

There will be hanging lights, instead of the normal lights. The sofa will be cream-coloured suede, L-shaped, with heart-shaped cushions. If there is a balcony, I will like to put a small round table with a couple of chairs so whenever I am in the mood, I can sit there and just gaze out at the surroundings.

So there, that is the skeleton of what my place will be like. The only question is, when can I get my own place, and enjoy the process of decorating it, especially with someone I am going to share the rest of my life with?

Busy Semester Ahead!

My semester officially started yesterday. This time round I am taking two major modules, and one minor module. The minor module is a Core module which every student has to take with effect from last year.

Besides the Humanities module which I had to retake, the other major module is English Language, where it covers the history and evolution of the language from Latin to Chaucer to Shakespeare to Dickens to the simplified and colloquialism of modern times.

The structure of the module is as follows :

First spoken by a group of mercenaries off the shores of continental Europe, the English language is now used by an estimated 1,000 million people. Who speaks it? For what purposes? What kind of language has English become? These questions and many others are considered in this new interdisciplinary course, which looks at the history of English, its use in a range of present-day contexts and its position as an international language.

The questions considered in this course include:

- Most people would find it hard to read Chaucer’s tales in the original. How has the language changed, and why has it changed so much?

- How do varieties of English around the world differ from one another, and are we becoming more dissimilar or more alike as speakers?

- Many people hold strong views about ‘good’ and ‘bad’ English. What are these ideas founded on? How valid are they?

- How is English used creatively, in rhymes, songs and verbal play, and as a literary language?

Part I of The English Language is presented in two volumes:
English: history, diversity and change
Using English: from conversation to canon

There will be three assignments and one examination, just like in the Humanities module.

The minor Core module which I will be taking is Effective Communication. By right, I have taken that during my first year in university, as it is on academic writing, report writing, resumes, interviewing skills, summarising, paraphrasing, etc, so I could have asked for an exemption.

However, I have not been in school for the last six years or so. Since then, there could be changes, thus I decided not to be exempted and went ahead to take the module. Needless to say, people ask why must I do something so unnecessary? Simply because I feel I can learn more things!

The structure of the module is as follows :

Effective Communication, a compulsory course, develops students’ English competencies and communication skills to write and speak more effectively in the classroom and in the workplace. The course covers the formats and styles of academic essays, reports, project proposals, resumes, letters, and oral presentations. Students will focus on the various purposes of writing and oral presentations, analysing the needs of different audiences, and selecting appropriate language, formats and visual tools.

Students may be exempted from this course if they pass a waiver examination.

The outline of the course is as follows :

I. ACADEMIC WRITING SKILLS

1. Academic writing

§ Types of academic writing: data commentary, summaries, critiques, research papers

§ Purpose, context, audience

§ Conducting research

§ Focussing on a topic

§ Exploring and brainstorming ideas

§ Avoiding plagiarism

2. Grammar and style of academic writing

§ Verbs

§ Linking words and phrases

§ Word Choice: vocabulary shift

§ Summary words

3. Structure and content

§ Outlining and organising ideas: general to specific, cause and effect, problem solution

§ Deciding on the key content and supporting ideas

§ Developing an argument: thesis, analysis, explanation, interpretation

§ Writing a thesis statement

§ Developing paragraphs: topic sentence and supporting information

§ Achieving text cohesion and coherence: between ideas within paragraphs and between paragraphs

§ Writing effective introductions and conclusions

§ Revising and editing

4. Integrating secondary resources

§ Documenting sources properly

§ Styles of documentation in academic writing: APA, MLA, etc.

§ In-text and end-of-text referencing

There will be three assignments for this course, which do not carry equal weightage. Needless to say, I must pass all three assignments before I am deemed to have passed the course.

Well well.. I seem to have a busy semester ahead!

An Increment At Last!

A piece of good news - I just received notice that I will officially have an increase in monthly remuneration with effect from this year! In fact, my January pay slip already indicates the new amount.

Furthermore, I got the full bonus! Which means this month, my remuneration is much higher than normal months. Just in time for Chinese New Year, I can give my parents and grandmas much more this year!

What really makes me happy is not the money, but the recognition. This comes at such a convenient time just when I was thinking of moving a couple of weeks ago. Looks like I am not that under-valued after all. At least all the frustrations of late have not been in vain!

Now if only my normal monthly remuneration can be this amount instead ....

Coming To A Closure ....

I have been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days, trying to find a solution to the very issue that is closest to my heart. I was thinking back to before Christmas where even though I enjoyed someone's company very much and knowing that he is a great guy in many aspects, yet I never felt such intense feeling back then.

Back then, if he had not told me he wanted to continue seeing me, but chose to pull out there and then, I would have been disappointed but I would not have felt anything much. I would just move on and look forward to better opportunities.

I spent the past few nights battling both my left and right brains. I have been trying to suppress my right brain, so thankfully my left brain is getting stronger lately, although my right brain will still emerge winner once in a while.

Last night I took a look at all the things which I had "in his memory" so to speak, and kept them all in a box, which I put under my writing desk. This represents a part of my life, a very brief part. Perhaps one day I shall pass it to him, but for now, it is enough that I have decided to make the effort to move on and let whatever happens, happen.

So now whenever I experience anything, be it happy or sad or trivial, whenever I see a book which I think he will like or a piece of music which he will appreciate, I resist the temptation to drop him a mail. No way am I going to end up with so many drafts, yet all unsent!

And whenever I see his name in my address book, I resist the temptation to drop him a message asking how he is and updating him about what I am doing. Out of sight, out of mind, perhaps I can move on faster.

I still continue praying for him though, asking God to heap blessings upon him, for him to be happy and lead a good and fulfilling life. Because if one cares for someone, it does not have to be possession, nor does it have to be ownership. Just seeing the person happy and fulfilled is good enough.

And with that, I can truly start moving on and keeping an open mind.

The Heart Of The Ocean

Yes, I am referring to this necklace, which I received last Saturday. Someone sent it to me, with a note that says, "Sorry for this late Christmas gift, but I know you have always wanted this, so here goes...".

Well, the necklace I received is obviously not the original, but a replica. It is light, with a silver chain, and a heart-shaped pendant with the navy blue "diamond", but still, whoever sent it to me must have spent quite a bit on it.

Which makes me wonder, just who sent it to me? There was no name or signature on the note, and neither was there a return address. It was mailed locally. The envelope was printed, not written, so unless I send it to the forensics department for fingerprint extracts, otherwise I am pretty clueless who would send me such a gift.

If anyone is to send anything, why would the person want to remain anonymous? The least he (I am presuming it is a 'he') could do is to let me know who he is, then I can send a word of thanks and appreciation.

But then again, am I really that clueless? The show had been gone for so long. The actors and actresses have since aged quite a bit. No doubt I fell in love with the necklace the moment I set my eyes on it, and have wanted to possess it one of these days, but that was just a moment's fancy of young.

Which means, no one whom I know in my adulthood knows how much I longed for this necklace, certainly not just any mere acquaintance or even a close friend. The only people who knows I want this necklace are my best friend and her ex, my second ex and my third ex.

It is definitely not my third ex as I only mentioned to him in a passing remark, and anyway he never believed in giving exquisite gifts to anyone. It is definitely not my best friend because if she is to give me such a gift, she will pass to me personally. Neither is it her ex because he has no reason to.

Which leaves only one person. Hmmmm..... Shall I send him a note of thanks, or shall I just leave it as it is, since he clearly does not want me to know that it is from him, if it is from him at all? In any case, I managed to get the necklace I really wanted, albeit long time overdue, so it does perk me up a little.

The Daily Scoop

I have heard of this homemade ice-cream parlour quite some time ago, but never did try it out because it was rather out of the way. Last Friday, my new Legal Counsel got a new car, so she drove us out to eat at the food place near the ice-cream parlour, and my boss treated us to ice-cream after that.

It is a rather small place, tucked almost in a corner. There are about twenty flavours, pretty exotic as well. Some of the flavours are Mango Wasabi (I can hardly imagine what that tastes like!), Lychee Martini (which I was so tempted to take but for the fact that I might get drunk) and Kookie Monster (my final choice - chocolate with oreo bits).

I had the ice-cream in one scoop in a chocolate-coated waffle cone. The ice-cream is soft and creamy, although it is still not as good as Ben and Jerry's or Anderson's of Denmark. My boss was remarking that the one at the Island Creamery is better, which is another place I have always wanted to try!

It is good to have a car indeed! One can just drive anywhere anytime at whichever's fancy!

A Time To Kill (My Emotions) ....

The time comes when everyone has to wake up. Or rather, the time has come for me to wake up from the (dis)illusion of what may come, and face reality. Half of my prayers have been answered, the other half I am still searching for an answer, but for now, I think it is time to move on and not hold on to anything.

Two weeks ago, I was in a mess. Last week was pretty okay. The moment half my prayers got answered, I got the epiphany, and I started being in a happier disposition. Then I started doing a lot of thinking, and reached certain conclusions.

I started thinking, before I got to know him, I was leading a pretty good life. I was happy and satisfied, going on dates with various people, taking things slowly and not jump to any form of conclusions. This was late last year, when the other guy and I agreed to stop seeing each other and move on with our lives.

Then when I got to know him, I was intrigued and interested from the start. When he said he wanted to continue seeing me, I was really excited! But at that point in time, I still did not jump to any conclusions except that he was someone potential whom things may progress. Even then, I wanted to take it slow and get to know each other much better first although we started on a favourable ground.

Who is to know within a matter of just a month or so, so many things can happen? Just a few months back, I was leading a pretty carefree life, but now I cannot go by without thinking of him. After everything that happened in the past couple of years or so, I thought I have finally emerged emotionally stronger than before, but who is to know I can still be so affected?

I am very happy to have known him. And he is an amazing person. It is good that we are still in touch. But there must come a point where I have to let things go in order to save my sanity. As it is, I am losing sleep and appetite, and my body is messing up again.

If I do not let go now, I will keep falling in on my part and then I will be down in the pits again, harder to get up and climb up. Ever since all that trouble last year, I have resolved never to lose sleep or cry over another guy ever again.

So I believe I will survive. It is all a matter of will power. I have resolved to let go before, and did. And the moment I did that, other opportunities came knocking (although I hope if a good opportunity does come again, it will be one that sticks, and not one that gives me hope only to end up in disappointment again).

This will be no different. The only question now is, shall I give him all the things I have intended to give to him (the journals, letters and gimmicks) but never dared to, or shall I just keep them and never let him know?

In A Nostalgic Mood

I was in a rather nostalgic mood during the weekend. I do not know whether it is anything to do with the Chinese song I happened to come across, or my thoughts of someone which is now swaying to another direction, or the Chinese New Year princess-cut strappy dress which my mum happened to get for me, the design of which is straight out of a 60s photo.

Or is it because of a certain message I received, which made my heart skip a beat, only to find out it was but a false alarm? The message read "Missed you". My eyes almost popped out when I saw it, but after seeing the name, I was disappointed.

Yes, it was not from someone whom I wish would send that to me, but from someone else whose advances I have been trying to reject. How I wish I can be so bold too, to say "Miss you" to someone, only if I do that, I may just scare him off altogether.

My mood during the weekend gave me an idea for another story. Somehow I seem to be in a creative mood lately. I suddenly have an influx of inspiration. Besides the three stories which I am already plotting, I have the inspiration for three more stories - all set in an olden era.

And a musical, also based on history and war. There are only these few genres as far as fiction goes, but for me, I choose to plot historical romance fiction, although whether my stories are good enough to be published, that is another thing altogether!

往事只能回味

For some reason, I was singing this song yesterday. People know I am a nostalgic nut, I prefer oldies and classics to modern pop, because the lyrics tell a story, which can tug at my heartstrings. Modern songs simply do not make sense at times.

This song is a very very old song, even before the time of Teresa Teng! Think it probably existed before my parents’ time! The reason I like this song is because for those who have fallen out of love before, they are more able to get the full emotion of the song. How well a person sings is subjected to emotions after all, and if the emotions are at the most intense, the songs normally turn out pretty good (provided one has a good voice to carry it through).

时光一逝永不回
往事只能回味
忆童年时竹马青梅
两小无猜日夜相随

春风又吹红了花蕊
你已经也添了新岁
你这样变心像时光难倒回
我只有在梦里相依偎

这首百听不厌的歌， 只有尝试过失恋或失去爱人的人才能真正体会到歌词的感受。 昨天在偶然情况之下听到这首歌，令我想起很多事情。人生中的种种悲欢离合，过去就算了，有时回想起来， 会觉得有点心酸。

这首歌令我想起曾经读过的一篇文章。 他们是邻居， 从小玩到大。 到了高中，他们才承认对双方有感情。可惜还没正式开始，他要跟校队出国参加比赛，她答应等他回来后再讨论他们的将来，但他却在途中发生意外。 结果她最后看到的是他的尸体。

这种感觉，谁能体会呢？ 失去了爱人， 只能回想以前过得多开心。 这些往事只能回味，一个美好的过去。 所以最好是珍惜眼前人， 不然失去之后， 后悔太迟了。 我永远记得一部电影的一道词句：

“曾经有一份真诚的爱我没珍惜， 直到失去了就后悔莫及。 如果能重新再来， 我会跟她说：我爱你。 如果要让这份爱放个时间， 我要让它一万年。”

Played Out By Fate?

My colleague was remarking earlier that I seem to be having more white hair lately. Hmmm... must have been due to all the thinking I have been doing. My best friend was just asking me, is that guy so good that he could get me into such a state, a state which she had never seen me in for so long?

I seriously have no answer to that. There is no reason to like a person. To really state a reason, it is because he is the first person I had an initial attraction to from the start, before I even know what he looks like. Yes, sounds really childish. Maybe I am too old to feel this way, this kind of so-called "crush" which only young kids will feel.

But to me, the initial attraction was not a mere crush, because we were only corresponding through emails and phone calls, and did not meet up until a month later. So it was not exactly "love at first sight" or anything like that.

But I know from the first time he initiated contact with me, I was already interested. This guy is articulate, and he writes with a certain amount of wit and humour. People know intelligence, wit and articulacy totally dissolve me!

Plus he has a performance certificate in piano playing. The first person I came across (besides my late music teacher and music lecturers in university) that has a higher piano performance qualification than me who states Chopin as his favourite composer. Not to mention an ex competitive squash player, and one who reads heavy literature as well as history of the world, and really appreciates artwork at that!

Of course all these are just superficial, on the surface. What really amazes me is that when we meet up, we have such great chemistry that we thoroughly enjoyed the times with each other. With him, I wished time would standstill and the date(s) would never end, something which I have never felt about any other guys I went out with (save for my second ex).

Not just that, we both like the simple things in life. We both like just hanging out at coffee joints, and strolling along the beach at dusk, sitting on the breakwater gazing at the moon and the stars, counting the planes flying by.

And we have such deep, stimulating and intellectual conversations with each other, that I feel so connected. I never know I can ever find someone who can totally relate to me, and whom I can talk to about anything and everything!

What a lethal combination, right? Is it any wonder why I am (still) so attracted? It was like a dream come true to have met him. I am not saying that he meets all 100% because it is impossible for anyone to really meet 100%, but I must say he is about the best I have ever gotten so far. I thought the previous guy was the best already, but this one really takes the cake.

And it was not one-sided on my part as well. He was showing so much interest and enthusiasm too. He kept asking me out, dating me in style, giving me such a good time, went to support me at the carolling when I told him I was nervous about the performance, offered to drive me around when it was raining and I had no transport, begged me to be his date for his sister's Christmas Eve party.

He even confessed that he did not want me as just a platonic friend. He told me that he never knew he could meet someone like me - who matches up to him in terms of interests and values, who could relate to him so well, and whom he could talk about anything and everything without any reservation.

So why? Why give me such high hopes and then dash them? Why must the fates let me meet such an amazing guy, when I have just about given up hope and looking to revise my criteria, then when I met him I thought there was still hope, yet suddenly take him away from me just when we were about to embark on a beautiful journey? Why?!

Are Locals More Spoilt?

I start school again next week. This time round I am taking two modules (two and half actually, if I count the compulsory core module which all students have to take with effect from this year), so my lessons will be twice a week.

Rather hectic come to think of it. But being hectic is good, as maybe getting busy may just take my mind off certain things and I may perk up sooner. I will be attending a pre-semester class tomorrow afternoon.

The school is functioning like a full-time school when we are actually part-time students! It is never easy juggling work and studies at the same time, I know that too well! Which is why I salute those who can work full-time, study part-time, and have a family at the same time. How do they do it? Compared to me, my life is pretty easy.

I heard the good news from my mum that my new cousin-in-law is expecting a baby this July. Congratulations to them! Another Eurasian kid! He said that it is actually a bad time to have a kid, because she is the only one working as he is furthering his studies, but since the kid came along, they will just bear him and let things flow along the way.

I feel that our locals are really too spoilt. Imagine my cousin and his wife in Malta, they live on their own without any domestic help, she is the only one working, they have to do all the housekeeping and bills payment, and now that the kid is coming, they have to make way for a baby as well.

If it is some of our locals, they may choose not to have the kid because the timing is bad. Because their finances are not enough. Because they have not enjoyed real couplehood together as yet. Because they have no money to hire domestic help.

Which makes me wonder, seeing how my brothers throw their shoes and socks and clothes all around the house, expecting my maid to serve them dinner as and when they fancy, and sleeping through their alarm clocks expecting to be woken up, how is the new generation going to be the pillars of society? No wonder locals are more self-centred and spoilt than foreigners!

The recent 'O' level results indicate that the foreign students are the ones that outshine our locals. Foreign students who couldn't speak much English, tackling papers written in English, as compared to the so-called bilingual education of our local society, yet our local students seem to be falling further and further behind.

Food for thought here. I sincerely worry about the later batches of students and young people if this goes on.

爱的12句 (The 12 Phrases Of Love)

A song which my colleague sent me, the lyrics of which really touch the inner core of my being!

月光下说的“我爱你” 　　
“为什么”是个永远的谜 　　
说了“再见”心还在这里 　　
“亲爱的”你想不想听 　　
　　
“别哭”这句话真甜蜜 　　
“我忘了”三个字要人命 　　
“如果有一天”他说的诗情画意 　　
谁也挡不住“想念你” 　　
　　
爱情里有12句 　　
听过的人全世界有几百亿
　　
然后学会说“我恨你 ”　　
“你快乐吗”是用来分手的武器 　　
“今天去哪”日子越来越无趣 　　
“再说吧”我和你

Translated, it will go something like this :

The "I Love You" spoken under the moonlight
The eternal mystery of "Why"
The heart is still here after saying "Goodbye"
Do you want to hear this "Dear"

The sweet sounding of "Don't cry"
"I forgot" is tantamount to murder
The poetic sounding "If one day"
The "Miss you" where no one can stop

The twelve phrases of love
heard by the trillions around the world

Then it will be "I hate you"
Followed by "Are you happy" when breaking up
The mundane boring days of "Where shall we go today"
And "We'll talk again" for both.

Conclusion : I make a very lousy translator! :-p

What Kind Of Guy Will I Fall For?

Something fun I did. The question - What Type Of Guy Will You Fall For? After answering eight questions, this is the answer :

You would fall for a Sensitive Guy
Your man will have dreamy, mysterious eyes and a shy, sweet smile. You'll be head over heels from the moment he first quotes Shakespeare to you in that inspired voice of his. Your Mr. Perfect knows how to be extremely romantic and is in tune to all your moods. He will be able share tears with you. He will always notice when you get a haircut or wear a special dress. Besides being poetical, he may be also musically talented and play you sweet melodies to win your heart. Needless to say, he will love you like crazy.

Very very true!

Something To Mull Over ....

Came across something touching : "If I happened to show up on your door step crying, would you care? If I called you and asked you to pick me up because something happened, would you come? If I had one day left to live my life; would you be part of that last day? If I needed a shoulder to cry on, would you give me yours?"

And these are the very questions which I plan to ask someone. A pity it is so hard to find someone willing to do all these to another person, especially one whom he claims he / she loves. Most people treat their loved ones, and even their friends, for granted.

Another thought-provoking thing I came across, in Chinese though. I will try to translate along the way, although the meaning may not come out in its entity.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~当我们远行那天，试想有3人送行。

第一个人从一大早就哭着不要你走，一直拉着你的手说会一直想你，约好每天联系若干次，把你送至门口，然后回屋子里去继续看他崇拜的偶像的电视演唱会。

第二个人帮你收拾行李，替你做好早饭，开车送你到机场，说：保重！然后回去工作。

第三个人默默地坐在离你很远的地方看着你，什么也没说什么也没做，你几乎感觉不到他的存在。可是他思念你，时时刻刻为你担心，每天早中晚三次向他的上帝祈祷你的平安，并在祈祷中得到平静。

当我们回来的时候，我们：

给第一个人买很多可爱的礼物，带他去吃饭，去游乐场，看到他我们很快乐，感觉清安，连天空的色彩也变得透明。

给第二个人一个拥抱，帮他倒垃圾，为他这个月可以拿很多奖金而高兴，为有他的陪伴而庆幸。

给第三个人一个礼貌的微笑，说：嗨！然后不知道如何表达。


当我们失去他们的时候：

失去第一个人，我们失去了生活的色彩，灰暗了一段时间后，突然在街角遭遇新的色彩，开始新的旅程。

失去第二个人，我们失去臂膀，无力举起未来的重担，吃过很多补品后，终于恢复原状。

失去第三个人，开始没有感觉，终于有一天发现从失去的那一天开始自己的灵魂也随之而去，发现失去了无形的堡垒，永远无法填补。


第一种感情是情人的，子女的，朋友的，年轻的。

第二种感情是丈夫的，妻子的，朋友的，中年的。

第三种感情是父母的，爱人的，知己的，永远的。


第一种付出的是语言。

第二种付出的是时间。

第三种付出的是生命。

Translation to the above :

Imagine when you are going away on a long journey, there are three people who go see you off.

The first person keeps crying, holding on to you, saying how much he will miss you, promise to contact you several times everyday, then after seeing you out of the door, goes back to watching his favourite band in concert.

The second person helps to pack your luggage, makes you breakfast, drives you to the airport, says, "Take care!", then goes to work.

The third person lurks in the shadows looking at you, not saying or doing anything, never even letting you notice he is there. But he misses you, thinks and worries for you all the time, prays for you every morning and night, achieving peace through prayer.

When you return, you will :

Buy lots of nice gifts for the first person, have a meal together, go hang out at amusement parks or shopping malls, very happy to see him, feels so good that even the colours of the sky can turn transparent.

Hug the second person, throw away the trash, happy that he is getting a pay raise and bonus, feels blessed to have his companionship.

Smile at the third person, say "Hi!" and after that nothing else.

When you lose them :

Upon losing the first person, you feel that you have lost all hopes and colours in your life, only darkness remains. A while later, you may suddenly meet a new hope on the streets, and start a new journey.

Upon losing the second person, you lost your support, a shoulder to cry on, no longer has the energy or inclination to face the future, after lots of "healing", finally goes back to normal.

Upon losing the third person, you may not feel anything initially, but finally realises one day that the day you lost him is the day you seem to have lost your soul too, you have lost your tower, never able to return.

The feelings for the first person is that of young couples, of sons and daughters, of friends, superficial emotions of young.

The feelings for the second person is that of husbands and wives, of close friends, more grounded emotions of maturity.

The feelings for the third person is that of parents, true love, soulmates, unconditional feelings that may be for life.

The first type of feelings, all it takes is speech and actions.

The second type of feelings, takes time.

The third type of feelings, takes a lifetime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meaningful, is it not? Most people are happy if they can find someone willing to be the second person - someone to marry and support. For me, the idealistic and dreamy person I am, I will go for the third person - that of true love, soulmate and an unconditional lifelong relationship.

After all, it is easier to find someone to marry than to find someone who can really love you unconditionally for life. People change along the way, so to find someone who really love you unconditionally, he will be with you no matter what happens, whereas for a lot of married couples, they start to drift apart once the partner changes.

Of course, the most perfect scenario is to find someone who loves you unconditionally for life to marry. But I wonder, just how many people are that lucky? People know my stand on this, that if I marry, it will be to someone I love unconditionally (and vice versa), otherwise I will not marry.

This reminds me of another story which my colleague told me earlier. She said that a Christian pastor once told her that there are three kinds of love - material, reason and unconditional.

Material love is you agree to marry a person because he is rich, or he loves you a lot, or he is eligible. Reason to love is you like him because he is handsome, or attractive, or charming. But unconditional love is you love without any reason, but just keep loving.

For Christians, they are always told to seek the third type - unconditional, because in the wedding vows, there will always be "for better or worse, in sickness and in death". Because that is true unconditional love, to be with a person no matter what happens.

She gave me an account of a true testimonial of a dating couple. They were still relatively young, and only started dating a few months. Then the girl contracted lupus. She wanted to break up with him, and everyone else advised that they should split since she would be a burden as her illness may never recover.

But he was determined to be with her, and married her. Lupus will make a girl temperamental and have uncontrollable outbursts, yet he stuck by her, taking care of her, tolerating her tantrums.

Now, two years later, the girl has her illness under control, and she said having the illness is the best thing that ever happened to her, because she found out how truly her husband loves her.

Very inspiring indeed! Stories like this makes me feel really shallow that people can break up for all the minor reasons. Maybe I shall start praying for someone who loves me unconditionally and whom I can love unconditionally, and not just one-sided on my part and noncommittal on his part. Then perhaps for once I can turn my love life around and finally settle down.

To Wait Or Not To Wait

My anaemia is acting up again. I have not had an attack for so long, when the fainting spells came back on Tuesday. It must have been due to all the depression lately. I really must start having a happier disposition again.

I took the day off yesterday and just stayed home to rest and reflect. I was feeling a little enlightened after my boss spoke to me, at the same time, there are still no answers to some questions I have been asking.

For instance, why, when I am giving thanks for God's blessings and praying to meet the right person, his image is so vivid in my mind? Is it because I still think of him, or is it because he could just be the right person, but just needs time to sort himself out before making up his mind once and for all?

Somehow I get this feeling all is not over between us. Why is it the more I pray for God's guidance and a sign and to let go, the more I think of him? Is it really just my sub-conscious, or is it really a sign from above?

Granted this is not the first time I have felt this way, but this is the first time where the feeling is so intense. Maybe people may scoff at how I am feeling (again) due to my history, but after my fair share of dating, I ought to be in the position to know who is best. And like I said, if there is no one better, then I will live with my choice.

I have met guys who met my criteria before, some way or another. Each time, I prayed for guidance on whether he was the one I should hold on to, and each time, something told me to let go. And let go I did, because after that better ones did come along.

But this time, the more I pray, the more I cannot let go. I do not know if it is because my feelings are still so intense, or is it really a sign that things are not over and all will happen in His time?

I tried to convince myself like what my well-meaning friends have been telling me - that if he does not appreciate me for who and what I am, then it is his loss, and I am better off without him.

That if he is really interested and liked me like he claimed, he would accept me for who I am and try to make things work out, know me better and discover my true self, instead of pulling out just because of some minor issues.

But I know I am only deluding myself by these words, because I know how I feel, and no matter how people try to convince me otherwise, I know best how he is like towards me, and I know best how I feel towards him.

So the question is that : did he pull out because he was not sure and wanted some time to sort himself out, like a typical man according to John Gray? So all he needs is some time and space to think things through, and perhaps he may just come running back one day?

I have seen cases of guys who were rather messed up when they first got together with a girl, then they broke up with her, but after a while, asked for a second chance and got back together with the girl. When that happens, the relationship is pretty stable and smooth-sailing because the guy finally made up his mind that he wants to be with her at all costs.

Actually I am very tempted to give him all the things I have, like the letters and emails I have written to him but not sent, the journal where I record down the times we spent together, the other journal where I record down all our conversations (whatever bits I could remember), the letter I wrote last week when I was at my most down and missing him the most, where I blasted out however I feel and whatever I have done, and the hundred paper cranes I made to wish him luck when he was tackling a tough paper, which I never did give to him.

Also the synopsis of the story I was writing, where I changed the ending because of my feelings for him. Plus another story which was inspired by him, where I am entitling "A Fool's Dream", the synopsis of which is how a girl was searching her whole life for a soul mate, and when she finally found him, only to find that it is nothing but an illusion, so shall she continue being a fool and keep dreaming, or shall she just let go?

So where does that leave me? To hold or not to hold, to wait or not to wait, that is the question, without any hint of a clear answer. Perhaps when the day comes that I keep all "our" things in a box and pass on to him, that will be the day I have truly let go and move on.

The Power Of Prayer ....

I know prayers do work, except I never expected that it will ever work on me. I have seen how others' prayers come true, but my prayers never did. Nevertheless, I continued praying, especially this period of time when I am feeling so lost and down.

And guess what? Today something happened which affirmed to me that in my darkest hour of need, God will heap His blessings upon me. Of course it is not so obvious like in "The Prince of Egypt" where God will actually speak to me, but it came in another form.

My boss spoke to me today. Just when I was fretting over my job and personal issues, he asked to speak to me. And he said he could tell I was feeling down, and went on to how happy he is with my job, and even if I move on elsewhere things may be the same or worse, and that I should learn from my life's experiences not to hold on too much to certain things because sometimes it is better to just live and let live.

Now just how did he know those were the exact things I needed to sort out? I never told anyone I was planning to move; neither did I tell anyone about my personal issues. Yet today everything my boss told me were the things which I really needed a direction on. The moment he finished talking to me, all of a sudden, I felt so uplifted and peaceful, so carefree, like as if all my burdens and frustrations are gone.

During lunch I was actually smiling, instead of the glum look I had the past few days. Even my lunch colleague remarked that I seem happier today, more carefree. God is really trying to tell me something!

So the gist of it is that I am not moving anywhere for now. As for the other issue I have, well, I have decided to let go and just let things happen on its own instead of pushing too much.

The moment I had this epiphany, my entire mind was cleared and I could actually think better now instead of being so clouded. I truly believe that prayers do come true now, since it happened to me!

I really must start paying more attention to the people and things around me. Perhaps God's signs are everywhere, but I did not notice? The first thing I must do when I reach home later is to thank God for all his blessings and for His guidance in my direction.

I still believe in miracles and angels and that blessings are everywhere!

My First Novena

Finally I went for Novena! Ever since attending church and getting baptised and confirmed, I have yet to attend Novena. After hearing accounts of how prayers do get answered after attending Novena for nine weeks, I decided to go ahead. Besides, it is also in tuned with my resolution of being more spiritually active.

Most of the petitions and requests are what I am praying for too! Of course besides the normal prayers for family and friends, we have our own requests. When the priest read this out, "I have had a few relationships. Now I want to settle down with the right person. Please let me meet the right man with your blessings", I feel a sense of deja vu!

And another one, "Ever since leaving a teaching career, I have not had a steady job. Recently I managed to find a good job which I think is my calling. Now I am thirty-four, please let me meet the right man to settle down with." It seems that I am not the only one with requests like these!

My own request is a bit different. I did not write my request on paper to drop into the petition box. I just prayed for my own intentions on my own. My request was (is actually, since it will be the same request for the next eight weeks), "Please bless my family and friends, that they will be happy and may all their wishes come true. Please help them in their lives, that they may undertake whatever they set out to do with your blessings.

"Please help [name] that he may fulfil his dreams and goals and that he will have a happy life. Please bless [my best friend and her husband] in their first steps to couplehood, that they will have a wonderful and special life together.

"I have finally found the best person for me. With Your blessings, may things work out, in Your time. Send me a sign if it is meant to be. Confirm to me that he is the one. If it is not meant to be, find each of us someone better. Reaffirm the person You deem is best for me.

"With Your guidance, let me be a better person. Let me be more caring and considerate to people around me. Let me be less temperamental and emotional, guide me in doing the right things and behaving the right way. Grant me the serenity to change the things I cannot change, courage to change those I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Hopefully by the end of the nine weeks preceding to Easter, I can finally find my direction in life!

What Can I Do To Save Myself?

This statement is from a friend, "Have you ever liked someone sooo much, that you just couldn't tell them? Have you ever had a sleepless night because you couldn't stop thinking about them? Have you ever felt so lonely that you cried yourself to sleep? Have you ever lost someone you loved and prayed every night for them to return?"

And that sums up how I feel. Just when I thought I am over and beyond all these emotional outbursts, I am falling down into the pits again. Believe it or not, I have ever only felt this way about one other person.

And the silly things I have been doing, which I thought I have outgrown. Each time whenever something happens, no matter how trivial, happy or sad, he is the first person I want to tell. So I started drafting emails about the ongoings of my life, but in the end, did not have the guts to send out. In just a matter of a month, I have thirteen draft emails which I have not sent out!

I bought a new journal and started noting down all the times we shared, all the conversations and exchanges we had, from the time we first got to know each other, to his first email and message, to our first date.

I started writing letters addressed to him, telling him how I feel, sharing with him my dreams and visions, yet in the end did not dare to send out or pass to him. He creeps into my mind ever so frequently, but I did not dare to even send him a message asking about him in case I appear too pushy.

In this era when everyone depends on digital cameras and online photo albums, I actually had the photo we took printed out and framed. But I did not dare to display the frame in case my family starts asking, so all I can do is to keep it in the drawer next to my bed.

I sleep hugging the gift he gave me every night. There are times when I toss and turn, or wake up very early and cannot get back to sleep, and I start thinking of him. Somehow I keep thinking of the song "Dreaming Of You" by Selena, as that sums up how I feel!

Short of becoming a real lovelorn moron, tell me, what can I do to save myself?

Eternal Conflict Of The Mind

I went for dinner with a fellow Catholic last night. He was baptised a year before me, and has been rather active in church. Talking with him is really comfortable and enlightening. Makes me clear up a bit on some confusion over certain aspects of my life.

I received a letter from my Japanese pen pal. Her English has improved a lot! At least she is able to write grammatically correct sentences now! The last I heard from her was July last year, when she told me about her new-born son (actually he was born in November 2006).

In her latest letter, she said she had divorced and moved back to her parent's place. Thus she had now retained her maiden name, and is bringing up her son on her own. When I hear cases like these, it makes me change my perspective in life a little.

Perhaps it is just as well none of my relationships work out, since looking back, I do not foresee being able to share a life-long relationship with any of them (save for one). Imagine if I have gotten married to either, have a kid, then in the end things do not work out and we end up divorced, the kid is the one that has to bear the brunt.

So many people are holding on because of children, but if it gets to the stage where both cannot even stand the sight of each other anymore, what is the use? My mother always says things have to work out somehow, so responsibility and commitment are very important when two people get together.

True, if both are committed and responsible, they have to work things out somehow. Which is why one has to be really careful in choosing a life partner, someone who is willing to be committed and responsible to you (and vice versa) throughout the rest of your life, no matter what happens.

Which makes me reflect on the recent state of affairs. Is it worth holding on, hoping that things may change for the better, or is it better to move on and hope to come across someone who can be really committed enough to want things to work out despite differences and difficulties?

Again, my left and right brains are at two different poles of a magnet. The eternal conflict of the confused mind.

The Long Way Home ....

Last night I took the long way home, while thinking of a particular Robert Frost poem. To understand a bit more about the geographical location of my place, my house is in between two train stations. There are about ten directions to go to my place from both the train stations (not including the directions from the various bus stops leading to my place).

If I am to alight from the first train station, I will need to turn left and go straight, past a hawker centre, two food centres, and three traffic junctions before I enter the lane leading to my house. I normally avoid that route because the traffic there is usually heavy and it is very time-consuming to wait for the traffic lights to turn.

Thus I will normally alight from the second train station. I will turn left, right, then go all the way straight then right at the third turning, straight and left at the second turn. My house is somewhere around the edge. I always prefer this route because it is a straight pavement without any traffic lights, so it is less time-consuming.

To clarify, when I mention the first and second train stations, it is according to the easterly route back from town. If I come from the airport towards the westerly route, it will be reversed - the first train station will be the one I alight and the second train station will be the one with the traffic junctions.

However last night, I was suddenly in the mood to take the long way home, which is to alight from the second train station, and instead of turning left, I turned right. It will bring me a whole round around the estate, then straight, left, left again at the third turn and finally right at the third turn. Initially I thought it would take a long time, but in actual fact, the entire journey from the train station to my place took only twenty-five minutes or so!

What possessed me to take the long route home, despite being close to midnight by the time I alighted from the train? Perhaps I was still reliving the mood of the musical. Or perhaps I was missing someone really badly, and wanted to take a long walk to clear some cobwebs from my mind.

Or perhaps there happened to be a half moon, and I wanted to take a moonlit walk, breathing in the cool night air, reminiscing the times when we went to the beach in the moonlight, where we would engage in deep, stimulating and intellectual conversations, and share our innermost thoughts. Walking alone makes me yearn for his company very very much.

My left brain tells me to move on, yet my right brain tells me to follow my heart (however misguided it may be again). And despite how much I try to infuse both my brains, and to think more with my left brain, my right brain always emerges the winner, otherwise I will not be in this current situation.

Each day I have a teeny weeny itsy bitsy bit of hope that perhaps he feels the same way too? Perhaps he is thinking of me as much as I am thinking of him? Perhaps he too, miss all the great times we had? Although I know with my kind of luck, this is probably not the case.

Which makes me wonder how come guys could show so much interest and enthusiasm in a girl at first, more than she did, treated her like a princess, with such high respect and chivalry, held her in such high esteem, yet when they decided to pull out, they really cut off and treat it as if nothing happened?

Because I cannot take it as if nothing happened. The fact is that something has happened. My emotions and feelings have been triggered. I am no longer indifferent, not that I was indifferent in the first place, because I was attracted from the very beginning.

But from mere attraction I have really grown to like him a lot. I will not say the feelings have developed into love, because love is not to be taken so lightly. But for sure I have this yearning that I really want to be with him, to know him much better, to develop and progress, to confide in him about anything and everything.

I took the long way home hoping to think things through and resolve to make up my mind once and for all. I went home, wanted to go to bed, his image came into my mind and I ended up tossing and turning the whole night. When I got out of bed this morning, my first thought was him, and I was so tempted to send a good morning message to him.

And this reaffirms how I feel. I have found my soulmate again, after so long, after I never thought I would ever find one again, and a better one at that. I have made my choice, no matter how remote the chances are, even if ultimately things may not go anywhere.

He said in a recent email to me how he felt about me during that period of time when we went out with each other, and he said he is keeping an open mind, want us to remain friends and keep in touch, hoping to find a direction so who knows what the future will bring?

Very true, who knows what the future will bring? I trust in God that He will bring forth an even better one for each of us if both of us are not meant to be. But for now I am not going to settle for just anyone, any second best.

So until the day when love really happens and someone manages to make me let go and forget and trigger off such strong attraction, emotions and feelings in me again (whoever that may be), I shall live with my choice. Que Sara Sara!