Against All Odds ....

I am dangerously close to falling over the edge of an abyss. Just when I thought I am already beyond all these emotional outbursts, I realise that I simply cannot get someone out of my mind! All the more since I seem to be grinding my teeth more often lately, it really shows I have too many things on my mind!

Initially, I thought it was because of a lingering feeling of something that could have happened but did not. But it has been almost a month now, yet the feeling still lingers. If anything, the feelings have become stronger.

Now, I go by each day thinking of him the moment I wake up, with his image in my mind before I fall asleep. I look at the things he gave me every night before I go to bed. Every time something happens to me, be it happy or sad, no matter how trivial, he is the first person I want to share with.

Whenever I am in a reflective mood and start being in tuned with my deepest feelings, he is the one I want to confide in, to share my deepest thoughts and emotions with. And when he is feeling stressed or upset or nervous, I want to be there to comfort him, to make him happy and encourage him.

Not only that, I can sense when he is being moody, and when he is upset and stressed. I can also sense things which he wanted to say and unspoken meanings and words. Seems like we are on the same wavelength.

Yes, I think I have finally found my soulmate. After so long. Do I dare to say that I have fallen in love again? I am not going to say those three words until everything is confirmed as I am not going to take love or anyone so lightly unless I am absolutely sure.

Especially not after so many bad experiences. At least he feels the same, which is why he decided not to plunge in when he could have. Do I dare to hope that things can still progress? Hell, yes. But with my luck, I suppose the feelings are not mutual, again.

Perhaps it is still too early to tell especially since we only got to know each other quite recently. True love and a long-term relationship needs to go through time and trials before two people can really be together and never be separated. It takes time to really know a person's true colours.

But it is very rare to find someone who shares your interests and passions, whom you can relate to and have a connection with, someone of the right frequency, with the same values and attitude, and you are able to talk about anything and everything with, right from the beginning. It was as if we could click just like that right from the start.

Others I have come across, we started on neutral ground, sometimes without a good impression from the beginning, but it was only along the way that we found we could get along. With him, it was from the very first introduction. Is it any wonder why I find it so hard to let go?

Perhaps everything is still raw, which is why I feel this way. Maybe given time, all will heal, but how long will that take? I cannot afford another five years trying to get over someone who no longer wants to be with me. As it is, I am already not in the mood to go out and meet people.

I have a few friends that are pretty wary of relationships due to their bad experiences. So am I actually. We have all been hurt before, and we have all had relationships that did not work out, so all the more we are careful now not to get hurt again.

Love and feelings are so complicated. People always have criterias what they want, but in the end may end up falling for someone who is totally off their criterias. In many cases, these relationships do work out, if both make things work. But if one person was the one that was doing all the work and the other person did not even care, it would be hard to work out.

Recently I have been seeking advise from various people and reading up tips on how to make a relationship work out. To most people, the main factor is whether the person can be depended upon to share all ups and downs with you, because in a long-term relationship, it is impossible to always have good times. There will be periods where one is down, or facing a crisis.

I was watching a documentary and this lady broke up with her fiance one month before their wedding. She said that when she was in a bad mood, he just left her alone with no words of comfort, and blamed her for making him wait for her when she came home late after a very bad day.

She realised that with him, they could have happy times together, but when it comes to real life, and the downs of life, it seemed that she could not depend on him to go through sadness and problems with her.

It is hard to live with someone, is it not? Even for people of the same family. I know my brothers know when I am in a bad mood and they will leave me alone to sort things out myself. Or when they sense I am unhappy and feel like crying, they will close my room door and leave me alone, even when they need to speak to me.

And for that I am grateful. Of course, they being still relatively young, I do not expect that they can offer me comfort or soothing words, which is why the only thing they do is to leave me alone since they feel they will not be able to help anyway.

But living together as a couple is different. What will you do if your spouse is upset? Are you going to just turn your back and go away, or will you be there to lend a shoulder to cry on? Will you just tell your spouse not to be upset and to stop being moody, or will you be there to cheer him / her up and do things to make him / her happy?

I thought over my past experiences, and realise that I have not been able to depend on anyone at all in terms of crisis and problems. I am not including guys I have dated, just those I have had relationships with.

I remember whenever I was upset or frustrated, granted that I was much more emotional in my younger years, the guys would either just keep quiet or left me alone, when I really needed a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear. Or else they would tell me to stop throwing a hussy fit.

To me, I felt that I was really upset, be it over school or work problems, I needed their support the most, yet that was all they could say? Which made me wonder how much they really cared or valued me. It gave me the feeling that where were they when I needed them the most?

The only person who could come close to actually comforting me when I was down was my second ex. Sometimes he would lend a listening ear, allowed me to cry and rave and rant, but other times he would throw a bigger hussy fit than me.

Yet he too ran away when we had to face difficult times together. Otherwise he would not have disappeared the moment I came back from overseas. Instead of trying to resolve issues, he chose to flee. Looking back now, it was probably a better thing I did not marry him in the end.

So the big question is that, if one is to settle down with someone, shall we choose someone we have similar interests and can do things together with, get along so well and confide in, yet not willing to brave any storms and give up at the slightest hint of problems?

Or shall we choose someone where we may not have common interests with, may not even talk so much with, but are willing to go through thick and thin with you, against all odds, weather all problems throughout the rest of your life, never wavering?