Welcoming New Experiences

I was doing some thinking last night (right, what is new?). I was reflecting on the stories I have read and movies and television dramas I have seen. In a lot of the stories, when people break up, they really move on, but sometimes some may get back together.

But this is only fiction. In real life it is not always the case. No doubt sometimes real life can be more dramatic than fiction, and fairy tales do come true, but in the real world, there are many things beyond one's control.

Especially when it comes to feelings and human emotions, that is one area that is the most uncontrollable, even more so for someone like me who lets her feelings overrule all forms of rationality and level-headedness.

Ever since back during my teaching days, I have had well-meaning colleagues who have advised me to open my eyes wide before settling down with anyone. I learnt a lesson from an ex-colleague (the one in England now) as she almost married the wrong guy, who cheated her.

When my second ex chose to break up, my whole world came crashing down. I was totally devastated. I viewed him as irresponsible and unfaithful. But according to my best friend, he said he could no longer foresee a future with me, so he thought it would be best not to drag on and move on.

At that point in time, all I cared about was why he did that to me, when I have given him the best years of my life and youth. We had been through so many ups and downs. We went through quite a few difficulties along the way before we finally got together.

When I first met him, I had a good impression as he is witty, gentlemanly and articulate. That was years ago, when we both attended the same orientation. He was one year my senior and one of the helpers. He then became the student mentor of my tutorial group.

We were also in the same hall, so often ended up going for breakfast and supper together. He got to know my peers and I got to know his peers. Initially he was after my classmate, and I helped him to date her. Then he passed me a love letter which he wrote to her. She read it and told me to return to him as she was not interested.

So I gave it back to him, and he told me to help him read through to see if he had offended her in anyway. That was the turning point. The moment I read the letter, my heart melted. I was so touched and that was when I realised I had fallen for him.

There were still other hiccups along the way, like my best friend, whom for some reason did not have that good an impression of him at first. She did not want me to end up like before, when I took so long to get out of the hurt and depression.

There were also the mind games we played with each other, like I thought he was still after my classmate, and he thought I was not interested, and even though he did indicate interest I thought I was just a backup.

Then he sprained his ankle playing football. I asked my best friend to go with me to visit him at home since we all stayed near each other. But she went on a date with her then-boyfriend, leaving me to visit him alone.

I bought him some lunch, then we spent the afternoon just talking and hanging out with each other. So we finally confessed what we felt for each other, and that was the day we started and I had dinner with his family on the day itself.

Since then it was more than six years of ups and downs. He was with me when my maternal grandma did her first bypass surgery. I was with him when his family suffered a financial setback and had to downgrade.

We were at each other's graduation ceremonies, and even took a photo together with our convocation gowns. I went with him for job interviews, for his driving test, even his witness when he signed the employment contract with the airline.

He was with me when I had to go to a former student's place to pass him some books, went with me whenever I moved in and out of the hostel, saw me off at the airport whenever I went on a trip (and vice versa).

In those times where there were no mobiles and auto-roaming, whenever we were overseas, we got by with writing letters. We would write letters everyday we were away and then when we were back we would exchange the letters we wrote, and read them together, where I would often end up crying because of the way he wrote.

There were quarrels of course, especially when he was in a bad mood or lost a football or computer game, and he would start throwing his temper around. Some of the quarrels snowballed to fights where he could almost turn violent. There were phases of cold war and not talking to each other, shouting at each other over the phone and banging down of the phone.

But we managed to survive through all those. There were a few times where we called it quits before slamming down the phone, and I would end up crying in my room or crying myself to sleep.

However he would always contact me the next day, apologising, or if I did not hear from him for two days, I would contact him and then we took it that nothing happened and continued as before.

Yet we could not survive the last test, where the last couple of months we ended up quarrelling everyday because of differences in opinions, of how the wedding should be like, of how the flat should look like, of how religious I should be. He wanted me to get baptised before the ceremony, but at that point in time, I was unsure. It was as if God was telling me that I was not ready yet.

I almost wanted to cancel the Sydney trip, but he said to take the time off for both of us to think things through, whether we could still salvage. And that was the final test, which we failed. If we had survived that, perhaps things would be different.

I am not living in the past (again) but it was from this experience that I really learnt a lesson. Of course, that time I was still so emotionally messed up to really think things through properly. Come to think of it, I was so shallow and childish, only focusing on the negative aspects instead of the positive aspects.

I learnt the lesson two years later. A bit overdue, but when I was giving up on my third ex, I started to think over what my second ex had said - that he could not foresee a future with me anymore, that it would be best to move on instead of dragging on.

And then I realised how right he was! I was lamenting that it was six years of my life and youth, but then again, it was also six years of his life and youth. So both of us suffered, both of us sacrificed, but the bigger picture was that at the end of it all, it would be for the rest of our lives, and six years is but minuscule in the bigger light. And I believed it was not an easy decision for him to make as well.

Just like it was not an easy decision for me when I told my third ex I wanted out. And he said in that case, out I go. But that was nothing compared to the previous experience, because honestly, I never had that kind of feelings for him, which made me very apologetic for him on why I went with him in the first place before I was truly ready.

And I also learnt another lesson - that if you truly love or care for someone, his / her happiness and thinking in his / her interests is what matters. If letting go will make him / her happy and allow him / her to move on and become better, then so be it. If you truly love or care for someone, then you should not be the one to hold him / her back.

So I have resolved to let go totally. Painful as it is, but perhaps it is for the best. How can it be anymore painful than what I have been through in recent years? I have gone through and survived the messiest period of my life. I just need to be more determined to keep things under control. I have done it before, and I can do it once I am determined enough to.

Only by truly letting go can new experiences be welcomed, and the doors can be opened for better opportunities. So yes, I am moving on at last. And with that, I feel so much lighter than before!