It has been a long long week. Being "head" of the household is not as good as what others may think. There are a lot more decisions and responsibilities. Just like on Sunday, when my relatives brought me and my grandmother out for lunch, I had to ensure that she was ready before they picked us up, had enough to eat and that she was full.
Luckily our maid is very capable. She is able to carry out her duties efficiently, thus I need not have additional stress on looking out for her. Meals are always on time and there is always enough to eat.
Besides all these, I met up with a friend a few days back, and the things we talked about made me reflect on certain issues. Certain things I always believed in, yet with society changing the way it is and humans getting smarter and more outspoken, a lot of things have changed.
Nowadays, it is no longer true that people stay together for life. How many people actually honour their marriage vows? Maybe I am still traditional, or an idealistic die-hard romantic, but to me, I only want to get married once and stay married to the same guy for life.
I see how people are splitting up, and at times I get really disillusioned because even the most "perfect" couples split up. People can talk about fidelity and all, but when things turn sour, every little thing will trigger off frustrations and arguments. It is only human nature to look for another soulmate when trouble brews up at home all the time. Perhaps that is why so many people nowadays (males and females) are having affairs.
Why would things turn sour in the first place? Is it because they do not love each other anymore? Then why would the love die? Is it because they start taking each other for granted? And why would people start taking each other for granted? Is it because of a lack of understanding? Then why get married in the first place if the couple does not understand each other?
Is it because people go into a relationship expecting the other party to give to them, and they themselves only take? But should a relationship not be giving and taking? And besides, if you really love someone, should you be so calculative as to measure how much you have given and how much the other person has taken? Just like my favourite quote above from the great guru Robbins.
My friends all told me when they get married, they also told themselves they only wanted to get married once. I guess nobody gets married only to divorce later on. But what makes a marriage last, for ten years, twenty, thirty years even? The friend I met told me now he understands why more and more people chose to cohabit before marriage instead. Because only by living with someone then one can truly observe and see if you can create a future together. Otherwise, it will be a great shock after marriage.
I still do not believe in cohabitation. I always thought I will live with someone only after getting married, and marriage has to be worked out by both parties. But what if after getting married, it turns out that my partner's lifestyle is not really the type I want? Afterall, one never knows until one really live together.
It is really difficult to understand someone. I believe at times one wakes up and wonder just exactly who is the person lying next to you. How well do you know the person who shares your bed, your life, who stays in the same house, who raises a family with you?
I always thought getting married is the next step once a relationship stabilises and you know a person well enough to carve a future together. Yet I have people telling me that living with someone and during courtship is totally different. Everything is sweet when you do not need to live with each other, but once both are under the same roof, lots of pecuiliarities start appearing, and it is up to each other whether they can tolerate.
My friend told me the first few weeks of her marriage she chased her husband out of the room as she could not stand him snoring next to her. My cousin told me that her husband can do very idiotic things at times, and this from a lady whose guy is so devoted and love her so much. Another friend said after marriage she and her husband quarrelled over which side of the bed to sleep and who to take the blanket more.
Maybe I am idealistic, but to me I feel that if one is to live with someone, especially for two different people of different lifestyles and upbringing, should there not be accommodation and compromise? Afterall, it is no longer one person's life but two people. Should they allow petty and trivial domestic arguments to spoil a relationship, especially since it is already getting so hard to find the right person?
But how would you know he / she is the right person? People who got married view the partner as the right one, but years down the road, they split up. Counsellors and experienced couples all say there must be communication and understanding, but how to communicate if you want to talk but the other person does not?
How to understand a person if the other person does not want to open up and share his / her feelings and thoughts, and instead chose to be grumpy and frustrated and keep everything to him / herself?
To guys, they view that if they are to tell someone something, or share their problems, the person must be able to solve it for them, otherwise no point telling. But as a couple, are they not supposed to share everything, burdens and problems? But to guys, they think if the partner is not able to help them, they rather keep everything to themselves. But if they do not open up, how would they expect the partner to know how they think and what they want? Misunderstandings occur because people choose not to speak up.
Besides, it is not a matter of whether problems can be solved. It is more a matter of trust. To me, I will want my guy to tell me everything, his problems, his burdens, how he feels. Even if I am not able to help him, at least I feel good that he trusts me enough to confide in me, because that is how I feel couples should be.
Maybe because I am a female, or maybe because I live more on my emotions, but I tell my loved one everything. To some guys, they feel that if you tell them things, they will try to analyse and give a thousand and one ways to solve the problem. But to me (and several of my girl friends), I do not need the guy to tell me what to do. All I need is a listening ear. Because I trust him more than anyone else, which is why I confide in him in the first place.
I guess for females, they just need to let out steam and have a listening ear. For males, their minds work more than their hearts, which is probably why they feel if there is a problem, they will try to brainstorm and solve it, but to females, this analytical process may be worse as all they need is someone who can listen and not someone who tell them what to do.
I really wonder how people manage to stay together. Our government is worried about the increasing divorce rate, but the fact is marriage itself is not a bed of roses. It is not like a fairytale where boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after.
Feelings develop over time. It is not like you fall for this person instantly (although that is possible but the love still has to be nurtured by both), yet the feelings can die off instantly. And nowadays to many people, instead of staying in a loveless marriage, they rather stop wasting their time and move on with their lives.
Luckily our maid is very capable. She is able to carry out her duties efficiently, thus I need not have additional stress on looking out for her. Meals are always on time and there is always enough to eat.
Besides all these, I met up with a friend a few days back, and the things we talked about made me reflect on certain issues. Certain things I always believed in, yet with society changing the way it is and humans getting smarter and more outspoken, a lot of things have changed.
Nowadays, it is no longer true that people stay together for life. How many people actually honour their marriage vows? Maybe I am still traditional, or an idealistic die-hard romantic, but to me, I only want to get married once and stay married to the same guy for life.
I see how people are splitting up, and at times I get really disillusioned because even the most "perfect" couples split up. People can talk about fidelity and all, but when things turn sour, every little thing will trigger off frustrations and arguments. It is only human nature to look for another soulmate when trouble brews up at home all the time. Perhaps that is why so many people nowadays (males and females) are having affairs.
Why would things turn sour in the first place? Is it because they do not love each other anymore? Then why would the love die? Is it because they start taking each other for granted? And why would people start taking each other for granted? Is it because of a lack of understanding? Then why get married in the first place if the couple does not understand each other?
Is it because people go into a relationship expecting the other party to give to them, and they themselves only take? But should a relationship not be giving and taking? And besides, if you really love someone, should you be so calculative as to measure how much you have given and how much the other person has taken? Just like my favourite quote above from the great guru Robbins.
My friends all told me when they get married, they also told themselves they only wanted to get married once. I guess nobody gets married only to divorce later on. But what makes a marriage last, for ten years, twenty, thirty years even? The friend I met told me now he understands why more and more people chose to cohabit before marriage instead. Because only by living with someone then one can truly observe and see if you can create a future together. Otherwise, it will be a great shock after marriage.
I still do not believe in cohabitation. I always thought I will live with someone only after getting married, and marriage has to be worked out by both parties. But what if after getting married, it turns out that my partner's lifestyle is not really the type I want? Afterall, one never knows until one really live together.
It is really difficult to understand someone. I believe at times one wakes up and wonder just exactly who is the person lying next to you. How well do you know the person who shares your bed, your life, who stays in the same house, who raises a family with you?
I always thought getting married is the next step once a relationship stabilises and you know a person well enough to carve a future together. Yet I have people telling me that living with someone and during courtship is totally different. Everything is sweet when you do not need to live with each other, but once both are under the same roof, lots of pecuiliarities start appearing, and it is up to each other whether they can tolerate.
My friend told me the first few weeks of her marriage she chased her husband out of the room as she could not stand him snoring next to her. My cousin told me that her husband can do very idiotic things at times, and this from a lady whose guy is so devoted and love her so much. Another friend said after marriage she and her husband quarrelled over which side of the bed to sleep and who to take the blanket more.
Maybe I am idealistic, but to me I feel that if one is to live with someone, especially for two different people of different lifestyles and upbringing, should there not be accommodation and compromise? Afterall, it is no longer one person's life but two people. Should they allow petty and trivial domestic arguments to spoil a relationship, especially since it is already getting so hard to find the right person?
But how would you know he / she is the right person? People who got married view the partner as the right one, but years down the road, they split up. Counsellors and experienced couples all say there must be communication and understanding, but how to communicate if you want to talk but the other person does not?
How to understand a person if the other person does not want to open up and share his / her feelings and thoughts, and instead chose to be grumpy and frustrated and keep everything to him / herself?
To guys, they view that if they are to tell someone something, or share their problems, the person must be able to solve it for them, otherwise no point telling. But as a couple, are they not supposed to share everything, burdens and problems? But to guys, they think if the partner is not able to help them, they rather keep everything to themselves. But if they do not open up, how would they expect the partner to know how they think and what they want? Misunderstandings occur because people choose not to speak up.
Besides, it is not a matter of whether problems can be solved. It is more a matter of trust. To me, I will want my guy to tell me everything, his problems, his burdens, how he feels. Even if I am not able to help him, at least I feel good that he trusts me enough to confide in me, because that is how I feel couples should be.
Maybe because I am a female, or maybe because I live more on my emotions, but I tell my loved one everything. To some guys, they feel that if you tell them things, they will try to analyse and give a thousand and one ways to solve the problem. But to me (and several of my girl friends), I do not need the guy to tell me what to do. All I need is a listening ear. Because I trust him more than anyone else, which is why I confide in him in the first place.
I guess for females, they just need to let out steam and have a listening ear. For males, their minds work more than their hearts, which is probably why they feel if there is a problem, they will try to brainstorm and solve it, but to females, this analytical process may be worse as all they need is someone who can listen and not someone who tell them what to do.
I really wonder how people manage to stay together. Our government is worried about the increasing divorce rate, but the fact is marriage itself is not a bed of roses. It is not like a fairytale where boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after.
Feelings develop over time. It is not like you fall for this person instantly (although that is possible but the love still has to be nurtured by both), yet the feelings can die off instantly. And nowadays to many people, instead of staying in a loveless marriage, they rather stop wasting their time and move on with their lives.
2 comments:
juphelia wrote: how to communicate if you want to talk but the other person does not?
I think that should be a red flag right there. If a person is unwilling or nable to communicate before marriage, why will they change after marriage.
A good rule of thumb is "how you do something today, is how you do something always".
Cohabitation is no solution, you cannot know how life with a person is until you have shared your life with the person: the first two "honeymoon" years, children, compteting careers, blues, financial stress, illness, etc ...
(How can you know otherwise if the person snores? Erm ... ask?)
You cannot know if your life together is going to work until you have gone through life together. If you are non-religious, then marriage is simply a social institution and it really makes no difference if you get married or cohabit (at least i my point of view).
However, for religious people (at least Catholics) marriage is a sacrament and consequently, we believe that certain graces are bestowed on us through marriage.
The important thing is commitment, not 50-50, but 100-100, because there are days when one partner or the other can't make their quota and if the relationship is only 50-50, then there are going to be a lot of days when it does not add up to 100%.
I have been married for 10 years. I cannot claim that it has all been easy. Non of my friends who are married claim it was all easy, but, so far, we have all managed to muddle our way through it. Why? Because of commitment.
I don't know one married couple (maybe I know the wrong ones) who has had a perfect, all smiles, lovey-lovey marriage. There is give, there is take, there is accomodation, there is forging one life from what were formerly two. It is not easy. You cannot simply say, "We will live our lives as we did before and live under the same roof and do some things as a couple."
For me, what is the best thing about marriage? Never being alone. What is the worst thing about marriage? Never being alone. Both are amplified even more by the children.
I don't think you know the wrong couples. Those married couples I know never really have it easy. From what I know, their married lives have never been just bed of roses as well.
But I just wonder in this case, how do people then determine to stay together, despite they may drift apart later, or they start moving in different directions, or they may even find that the one they married no longer can share the life due to accumulated differences?
Does commitment and determination and love then enough to keep a couple together?
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