An Emotional New Year

Happy Lunar New Year! Time flew by so quickly that the long weekend has come to an end. It has been a temperamental few days for me, being on an emotional roller-coaster, sometimes at the highest peak, and at times rolling around at the lower level. It is not a good sign being upset so early on in the new year. Each time I tell myself to be happy and embrace the new year, events happened that caused me to feel down in the dumps.

I wonder where my mood came about this time. Could it be due to the sight of everyone fussing over the new baby, triggering in me some sense of loss? Or could it be due to the photos which my Aussie cousin sent me of his newborn girl, which also triggered in me mixed feelings? Or the very touching speech my aunt gave me on parenthood and child-rearing?

Or could it be due to well-meaning relatives (as usual) asking about my status and when I will settle down? Or maybe it was due to the fact that it is so difficult to love someone, that sometimes loving someone wholeheartedly gets more upsetting than not loving anyone, because however much one does, is it worth doing anything if the other person does not even seem to be responding?

I guess what got me really upset is I inadvertently made my first brother angry. I would not mind so much if it was my youngest brother, because he would throw a temper just about any day, but after half an hour he would be alright. But my first brother is one who never loses his temper, yet now he is so angry that he has not been speaking to me for the past few days.

It started with just normal bantering, and joking and jibbing each other, as usual, whenever he was around. The jokes and puns resulted in a friendly and playful punch, which landed smack on the top of my head. The point in time when his fist impacted on my head, I felt as if my entire skull was splitting into half. I could not help it. It was so painful that I cried. Tears just started rolling down.

He went to get some ice for me, and when I put the ice on my head, I felt a bump. It was swollen! I never know the extent of his strength until now! Even now, the bump is still there and I still get headaches on and off. Anyway, somehow my mum guessed what happened, and scolded him like mad. My mum is the type that when she is angry, she will not mince her words, which resulted in lots of emotional damage during our younger years. Her bark is always so poisonous that one wonders how can one's mother ever says nasty things like that to her own children?

So now he is angry with me for getting him into trouble on the first day of the Lunar New Year, but I did not even say anything! All my mum did was to see me applying ice on my head, and she just came to her own conclusion without even asking me what happened. He sneaked out of the house late that night to cool off, but my parents called him back.

So he thought my youngest brother and I betrayed him. We did not say anything, but when my parents searched the house and did not find him, they would know he went out. But the thing is that he still laughs and jokes with my youngest brother, yet he totally ignores me. He could not even bear to be in the same room as me! For instance, when I went down to the living room, he would immediately get up and go upstairs, and when I went back upstairs, he would then quickly go back down.

Now I am really upset. He refused to talk to me so I tried sending him a message, but he had no reaction to that. Finally, I told him yesterday that if he really thinks me as scum, and refuses to even see me, then I will go. I will willingly move out if he hates me so much. I do not wish my mum and his relation to turn sour because of me. And he just kept quiet and not say anything.

So now I am just thinking - should I really move out? Afterall, I would not wish for things to become unbearable, we are all in the same family! But if I am to be treated as an outcast, I rather be the one to go away than to create more trouble.

Speaking of which, I received this from a friend, which I find so true!