Just Another (V) Day ....

On Wednesday, Valentine's Day, I bumped into a girl delivering flowers to someone in my office while going out for lunch. The bouquet consisted of a few white roses, with two teddy bears - a couple. Wonder which sweet guy would send flowers all the way to the office of his desired?

Come to think of it, no one has ever sent flowers to my office before. I have received flowers at my home, just that one time, but other than that, no one had ever surprised me by sending flowers to my office. The only time someone came close to sending flowers to my office was when that person surprised me after work and came to my workplace with gifts and a big bouquet, but that was at least five years back already.

This Valentine's Day it made me reflect on how different things had become for me. For someone so romantic and idealistic, that day meant a lot to me. No doubt everyday can be a Valentine's Day, but the history of how St Valentine's Day came about is really touching and being a day set aside for lovers is a form of tribute to a martyr. So why did I end up in tears on Valentine's Day itself?

It made me reflect on what exactly is true love? Is true love only true if someone declares it without any action? Or is it only true when both parties give their all? Anyone can say he loves a person very much, that she means a lot to him, but if there is nothing to show, will there be love? Does true love mean encompassing the person as a whole, accepting everything he / she does, tolerating all the quirks and moods? But if only one person is doing that, it is lopsided, is it not?

Is the person who loves more supposed to just bear with everything no matter how the other party treats him / her then? If it is true love, should someone not feel shortchanged or frustrated at all, if he / she feels the feelings being toyed with? Would true love really be all embracing until one continues loving the person, even if he / she can or may never be hers / his? Love itself is temerarious enough as it is, yet why do the parties involved always make things more challenging and difficult?

I do not know about others, but when I give my heart, it is fully, completely, thoroughly. My heart is so small that only one person can be contained at any one time. So each time I got my heart broken, I had to wait for a new one to grow to replace it, and even then, it would never be whole as that person who broke my heart took a part of it away forever. Yet why do I always end up being the one to give totally yet never seem to get even a fraction back?

This Valentine's Day meant a lot to me, as this same day last year, someone came into my life. This same day last year, when I was dateless and alone, and moping about my fate, someone cheered me up by a series of messages, by letting me feel that I was not alone. Someone who would later have a big impact on my life, someone I was willing to fall out with my parents for, someone I would willingly run away with.

Yet, this Valentine's Day, I was dateless again. We went out the preceding Saturday, but I cannot help but feel it more meaningful to actually be out with each other on the actual day itself. I spent St Valentine eve out with my brother the whole night. How pathetic have I become, to go out with my brother for dinner and movies, instead of someone special on Valentine's eve?!

There is nothing wrong going out with my brother. Other days would not matter, but on the day (and before that) when it was supposed to be a day for lovers, my brother brought me out instead of the person I wanted so much to go out with, all the more since it was supposed to be the first Valentine's Day for us. What a twist of fate.

But I guess I have to start clearing all the cobwebs in my head, and realise that that day is nothing but just another day. Just another normal working day. Another day of toiling for my living. I can choose to live like this and continue accepting it, or I can choose to make things better. And when I think of people in other countries who are victims of natural disasters, wars and famines, it made the day more bearable, and I started to feel that what I have is actually so much more than a lot of people already.

Still, as I lie down on my bed that night, I could not help but stay up thinking and missing him, and fell asleep .... dreaming of him. And I was reminded of this song :

Dreaming Of You (Selena)

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I'd wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too

Cuz I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me

Wonder if you even see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?

I just wanna hold you close
But so far, all I have are dreams of you
So, I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you (Yes, I do)

I'll be dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me

Ahhh.... I can't stop dreaming of you
Ahhh.... I can't stop dreamin

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I still can't believe that you came up to me
And said, "I love you; I love you too"

Now I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, and for all of my life
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room,
Dreaming with you endlessly ....