After a hiatus of two months, I finally went back to the normal mid-week Prayer Meet last night. The topic was quite solemn, on death and my attitude towards it. In my more depressed and emotional state in the past, there were times when I did contemplate ending all.
I remember when my first relationship ended, I was totally devastated. Despite the relationship being full of unhappiness and quarrels and that guy brought me on a roller-coaster ride all the time, still, I thought it was due to my own (un)doing that it ended. Hence I went home and tried to attempt suicide by trying to cut my wrist with – of all things! – a butter knife.
Through the years and many emotional roller-coasters later (some I did contemplate ending all), I now view death as a given. Everyone dies someday. It is only a matter of when. When your time is up, even a sneeze can cause your death. Similarly when your time is not up, even a road accident you can emerge unscathed.
I have witnessed two close cousins dying. One died at the age of fourteen after she choked on a fishbone, triggering a massive asthmatic attack. Another contracted leukaemia at the age of seven and died at the age of ten, after two remissions. Years later, I wrote a short story dedicated to her memory.
I have also witnessed the death of my late music teacher - someone I truly respected and looked up to. She passed away at the age of thirty-seven from colon cancer after battling it for two years, leaving behind a ten-year-old daughter (then).
At the risk of sounding morbid, sometimes I wonder, how will I be like when I die? Or rather, how shall I die? Judging from my family history, I think I will live a long long life. After all, both my grandmas are still alive even though they are already in their nineties. They suffer the same frailty and whatnot for old folks, but other than that, they are not bed-ridden or incontinence and do not really require special care.
So I suspect I will probably live a long life. Perhaps I can actually get to be a centenarian? But then again, do I really want to live a long life? What can I do if I live a long life? I started working at the age of twenty-three. If I retire at the age of sixty-five, I would have worked forty-two years.
Would I have made enough to live on for retirement by then? With the rate of inflation and living standards plus the constant salary, it is hard to really make ends meet, let alone have substantial savings. If I live on for forty more years after retirement, what then? What exactly am I going to live on? I can keep myself busy doing things, but if I do not generate any income, what exactly can I live on?
Let’s say even if I have kids. I do not expect my kids to support me. They themselves would have their own lives. And at the rate I am going, perhaps my children would have just graduated by the time I retire. So how can I then expect them to feed me? They would also need to settle down and support their own families next time. I should not be a burden to my younger generation.
Hence I do not think I want to live a long life. It would be enough to just see my children grow up and have their own lives, have their own kids. By then I would probably be in my seventies or eighties. I can pass away in peace and bliss.
What I am really worried about is illness. If I get sick, then it will be financially heavy to cure me. If I fall down and get bed-ridden, it will be a big burden on family members to take care of me. So I hope to be as strong as my paternal grandma, that can still walk about and go about her life healthily even at a ripe old age, although I would not want to live that long!
I remember when my first relationship ended, I was totally devastated. Despite the relationship being full of unhappiness and quarrels and that guy brought me on a roller-coaster ride all the time, still, I thought it was due to my own (un)doing that it ended. Hence I went home and tried to attempt suicide by trying to cut my wrist with – of all things! – a butter knife.
Through the years and many emotional roller-coasters later (some I did contemplate ending all), I now view death as a given. Everyone dies someday. It is only a matter of when. When your time is up, even a sneeze can cause your death. Similarly when your time is not up, even a road accident you can emerge unscathed.
I have witnessed two close cousins dying. One died at the age of fourteen after she choked on a fishbone, triggering a massive asthmatic attack. Another contracted leukaemia at the age of seven and died at the age of ten, after two remissions. Years later, I wrote a short story dedicated to her memory.
I have also witnessed the death of my late music teacher - someone I truly respected and looked up to. She passed away at the age of thirty-seven from colon cancer after battling it for two years, leaving behind a ten-year-old daughter (then).
At the risk of sounding morbid, sometimes I wonder, how will I be like when I die? Or rather, how shall I die? Judging from my family history, I think I will live a long long life. After all, both my grandmas are still alive even though they are already in their nineties. They suffer the same frailty and whatnot for old folks, but other than that, they are not bed-ridden or incontinence and do not really require special care.
So I suspect I will probably live a long life. Perhaps I can actually get to be a centenarian? But then again, do I really want to live a long life? What can I do if I live a long life? I started working at the age of twenty-three. If I retire at the age of sixty-five, I would have worked forty-two years.
Would I have made enough to live on for retirement by then? With the rate of inflation and living standards plus the constant salary, it is hard to really make ends meet, let alone have substantial savings. If I live on for forty more years after retirement, what then? What exactly am I going to live on? I can keep myself busy doing things, but if I do not generate any income, what exactly can I live on?
Let’s say even if I have kids. I do not expect my kids to support me. They themselves would have their own lives. And at the rate I am going, perhaps my children would have just graduated by the time I retire. So how can I then expect them to feed me? They would also need to settle down and support their own families next time. I should not be a burden to my younger generation.
Hence I do not think I want to live a long life. It would be enough to just see my children grow up and have their own lives, have their own kids. By then I would probably be in my seventies or eighties. I can pass away in peace and bliss.
What I am really worried about is illness. If I get sick, then it will be financially heavy to cure me. If I fall down and get bed-ridden, it will be a big burden on family members to take care of me. So I hope to be as strong as my paternal grandma, that can still walk about and go about her life healthily even at a ripe old age, although I would not want to live that long!
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