At times I wonder why is it so hard for people to give praises? Why is it Chinese people, especially parents, find it so hard to praise and show their love? My friends’ parents never scolded them to the extent like how my parents treated me, but they never praised them either.
All my life I wanted acceptance and praise from my parents. I yearned for that more than anything else. I do not care for the expensive gifts they give me, or the trips they bring me, or the big feasts they feed me with, or the big house they provide for me. I can trade all these just to have one word of praise from my parents. I do not mind living in the streets as long as I can gain acceptance from my parents.
Is it really so hard for people to give praises? Even adults crave for praises, let alone children. It does not have to be anything much, just a simple praise on how nice a hairstyle looks on someone or how good the person look in some clothes. These are just few simple words, but they put a smile to others’ faces and mean a lot to them.
The first time I had an essay published in upper primary, the English Head of Department of my school wanted me to print it out and paste it on the bulletin board together with my photo so the whole school could see who wrote that essay.
I went home feeling so excited, but all my parents said was it was just an essay, no need to be so excited about. And if I could get my essay published, why was it I could not manage to score well enough then?
When I went into my secondary school instead of those top schools which my mum chose for me, she told all my cousins not to follow in my footsteps and go into a lousy school. During Home Economics lessons, I made sure my recipes were perfect and specially cooked or baked the various things so I could bring home for my mum, and all she did was to give criticism on how awful the taste was.
When I wanted to go out for movies with my friends, buy CDs, go clubbing, she told me why was my mind filled with doing mindless things instead of focusing on my studies? When I did badly for my first mid-year examinations in Secondary One, she insulted me by saying that I could be dead for all she cared.
When I tried my best for the second half of the year and managed to improve my grades by over ten marks, she scolded me for scoring so low. When I topped my class for English, History and Geography in my Secondary Two mid-year examinations, all she said was I could have topped the class if I scored well for Mathematics and Science, and since I could do it she could not understand why I never wanted to do it.
That was why I hated studying when I was young. Besides all the comparison with my smart relatives who always managed to enter the top schools and in the top classes, I never got praised no matter how much effort I put in my studies, no matter how much or how slightly I improved.
I wanted so much to just give up studying after my ‘O’ Levels. I was of the mentality that since I was useless anyway, so might as well not study and continue being useless. Since no matter how much I scored did not matter anyway, I thought of just stop studying altogether.
When I went with my first ex, she said I only wanted to show off to everyone that I could find a boyfriend at that age. I told her straight that at least my boyfriend loved and cared for me more than she ever did and needless to say, I got another big scolding.
But during my late teen years, I was already immuned to all her scoldings and insults. I stopped trying to prove myself. I stopped trying to please her since she was never happy with whatever I did.
I went in and out of the house anytime I liked without telling her where I was going since she was going to forbid me from going out anyway. She scolded me for treating the house as a hotel, but I told her the house was worse than a hotel since it only seemed to be a place of insults, scoldings and sleeping.
I stopped talking to her or telling her of my achievements. When I did badly for my examinations, she focused on how badly I did instead of the fact that I was still able to pass into the next level. So I stopped telling her my scores.
Each time my parents talked to me, I would answer “Mmmm” or “Ooooh”, since whatever I said was misinterpreted and would only get told off, I learnt to keep my mouth shut, I learnt to stop talking to my parents so as to prevent more put-downs.
Even now, all these years later, I still find it difficult to talk to my parents on a lot of things. Like I will never tell her about those jokers I meet as they would only say negative things. I can never tell her my feelings about others, as she would tell me to examine myself first before I deserve to love someone.
When I heard of friends who turned to their parents after quarrelling with their boyfriends, I was so envious. I could never tell my parents the problems I have with my boyfriends, as instead of comforting and advising, I would get negative comments to make me feel worse.
Most of the time when I ran into problems, I would blast out in my diary, or cry to myself in my room. I could not even cry in front of my parents no matter how badly I wanted to. Sometimes I just wanted to cry in front of them so as to see if they could give me a hug and comfort.
I did cry in front of my parents before but all they said was nothing could be so serious so do not go around seeking sympathy from everyone. After that, I went to my room each time I felt like crying, each time I quarrelled with my boyfriend, each time I failed in something. I kept all my failures and problems to myself.
My point is that all kids want recognition from their parents, no matter how young or old they are. Even adults want recognition from others. The time when my mum really praised me for something I did I was so ecstatic that I thought that was the happiest day of my life.
The time my mum praised me for being a good teacher, praise me for painting my nails so well that she thought it was done by a professional, I was shouting out in joy. People may think it is no big deal, and why do I feel so excited at being praised at my age, but it is a very big deal for me.
I spent my entire life trying to get my parents to recognize me, and even though what they praised me for were very minor things, I am still over the moon with joy over the fact that finally they praised me for something I did.
So parents should really praise and encourage their kids more. It really means a lot to them, and show the kids that you really care for them. Not just parents, but we should all learn how to dish out praises to others genuinely. It may not mean anything to you, but it means a whole lot to the person you praise.
All my life I wanted acceptance and praise from my parents. I yearned for that more than anything else. I do not care for the expensive gifts they give me, or the trips they bring me, or the big feasts they feed me with, or the big house they provide for me. I can trade all these just to have one word of praise from my parents. I do not mind living in the streets as long as I can gain acceptance from my parents.
Is it really so hard for people to give praises? Even adults crave for praises, let alone children. It does not have to be anything much, just a simple praise on how nice a hairstyle looks on someone or how good the person look in some clothes. These are just few simple words, but they put a smile to others’ faces and mean a lot to them.
The first time I had an essay published in upper primary, the English Head of Department of my school wanted me to print it out and paste it on the bulletin board together with my photo so the whole school could see who wrote that essay.
I went home feeling so excited, but all my parents said was it was just an essay, no need to be so excited about. And if I could get my essay published, why was it I could not manage to score well enough then?
When I went into my secondary school instead of those top schools which my mum chose for me, she told all my cousins not to follow in my footsteps and go into a lousy school. During Home Economics lessons, I made sure my recipes were perfect and specially cooked or baked the various things so I could bring home for my mum, and all she did was to give criticism on how awful the taste was.
When I wanted to go out for movies with my friends, buy CDs, go clubbing, she told me why was my mind filled with doing mindless things instead of focusing on my studies? When I did badly for my first mid-year examinations in Secondary One, she insulted me by saying that I could be dead for all she cared.
When I tried my best for the second half of the year and managed to improve my grades by over ten marks, she scolded me for scoring so low. When I topped my class for English, History and Geography in my Secondary Two mid-year examinations, all she said was I could have topped the class if I scored well for Mathematics and Science, and since I could do it she could not understand why I never wanted to do it.
That was why I hated studying when I was young. Besides all the comparison with my smart relatives who always managed to enter the top schools and in the top classes, I never got praised no matter how much effort I put in my studies, no matter how much or how slightly I improved.
I wanted so much to just give up studying after my ‘O’ Levels. I was of the mentality that since I was useless anyway, so might as well not study and continue being useless. Since no matter how much I scored did not matter anyway, I thought of just stop studying altogether.
When I went with my first ex, she said I only wanted to show off to everyone that I could find a boyfriend at that age. I told her straight that at least my boyfriend loved and cared for me more than she ever did and needless to say, I got another big scolding.
But during my late teen years, I was already immuned to all her scoldings and insults. I stopped trying to prove myself. I stopped trying to please her since she was never happy with whatever I did.
I went in and out of the house anytime I liked without telling her where I was going since she was going to forbid me from going out anyway. She scolded me for treating the house as a hotel, but I told her the house was worse than a hotel since it only seemed to be a place of insults, scoldings and sleeping.
I stopped talking to her or telling her of my achievements. When I did badly for my examinations, she focused on how badly I did instead of the fact that I was still able to pass into the next level. So I stopped telling her my scores.
Each time my parents talked to me, I would answer “Mmmm” or “Ooooh”, since whatever I said was misinterpreted and would only get told off, I learnt to keep my mouth shut, I learnt to stop talking to my parents so as to prevent more put-downs.
Even now, all these years later, I still find it difficult to talk to my parents on a lot of things. Like I will never tell her about those jokers I meet as they would only say negative things. I can never tell her my feelings about others, as she would tell me to examine myself first before I deserve to love someone.
When I heard of friends who turned to their parents after quarrelling with their boyfriends, I was so envious. I could never tell my parents the problems I have with my boyfriends, as instead of comforting and advising, I would get negative comments to make me feel worse.
Most of the time when I ran into problems, I would blast out in my diary, or cry to myself in my room. I could not even cry in front of my parents no matter how badly I wanted to. Sometimes I just wanted to cry in front of them so as to see if they could give me a hug and comfort.
I did cry in front of my parents before but all they said was nothing could be so serious so do not go around seeking sympathy from everyone. After that, I went to my room each time I felt like crying, each time I quarrelled with my boyfriend, each time I failed in something. I kept all my failures and problems to myself.
My point is that all kids want recognition from their parents, no matter how young or old they are. Even adults want recognition from others. The time when my mum really praised me for something I did I was so ecstatic that I thought that was the happiest day of my life.
The time my mum praised me for being a good teacher, praise me for painting my nails so well that she thought it was done by a professional, I was shouting out in joy. People may think it is no big deal, and why do I feel so excited at being praised at my age, but it is a very big deal for me.
I spent my entire life trying to get my parents to recognize me, and even though what they praised me for were very minor things, I am still over the moon with joy over the fact that finally they praised me for something I did.
So parents should really praise and encourage their kids more. It really means a lot to them, and show the kids that you really care for them. Not just parents, but we should all learn how to dish out praises to others genuinely. It may not mean anything to you, but it means a whole lot to the person you praise.
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