Almost the whole of my life, I have what others may term as an "identity crisis". I used to be so conflicted between the various cultures and religion. For instance, being Chinese and a Christian, I always feel conflicted between the tradition of going to the temple and the practice of going to church. Whenever there are any Chinese festivals that fall on a special day in the church calendar, I used to feel torn between going with my parents or to go on my own to church.
So when I was growing up, especially with a mission school education, I started to embrace Western ideas and notions. Like how to be independent and not stick with the parents all the time, especially as a teenager. I scoffed rice and vegetables and preferred eating burgers, steak, potatoes and salmon. I read English books, listened to English songs and avoided anything Chinese - books, music, essays. Even when my parents or relatives spoke to me in Mandarin, I would answer them in English.
But this came with a price. My schoolmates were from English-speaking families, so it was still alright when I talked to them. When I left school and went for a higher education, perhaps due to the standard of the school and the course I was taking, my classmates and I still spoke English to each other. But when I started working, I realised that being mono-lingual really lost out, especially when I come across normal heartlanders whose first language is dialect.
That was when I felt inadequate. My previous boyfriends and their parents are all bilingual, so there was no problem communicating with them. But when we went out and I found it hard to even order a drink from the hawker centre as the person did not understand what I was saying, I always had to ask my guys to help me. My third ex even went as far as to accuse me of being arrogant and stuck-up.
Through the years, I started to rediscover the Chinese language. It is really a beautiful language in its entirety, not the crass sounding language spoken by the general public. When I saw how certain things can be better described in the Chinese language, more poetic and beautiful as compared to in English, I start to be more immersed in the language.
I started researching on the great poems of the Tang dynasty, and although I still cannot quite understand the meaning of the poems, I know they were very beautifully written and well-versed. Then I researched on Chinese history, and could even engage in a discussion with my best friend's youngest sister, who is majoring in Chinese studies at the university, to the astonishment and surprise of my best friend.
I started getting more interested in the books my mum used to read - those classic Chinese literature like "A Dream of Red Mansions", "The Water Margin", "Romance of the Three Kingdoms" and "Journey to the West", as well as the Louis Cha's martial arts series like "The Legend of the Condor Heroes", "Return of the Condor Heroes", "The Heavenly Sword and Dragon Sabre", "The Smiling Proud Wanderer" and "Duke of Mount Deer", even the Wisely stories by Ni Kuan which my childhood friend loves.
I have not read those books in their entireties as my standard of the language is still not proficient enough to read the books in Chinese, so I have been trying to find translated copies of the books. Of course, a translation is not as good as the original. Imagine how is anyone to read Shakespeare or Chaucer or Dickens in translation? Somehow it is just not right! But before I am able to read the original Chinese texts of the books, I can only make do with a translated copy in order to know the stories. Once I know the storyline, the Chinese text will then be a breeze for me with prior knowledge.
I also find myself speaking more Mandarin than before. Where in the past I used to speak nothing but English, now I can adapt to the surroundings more and speak Mandarin when it is required. Through a bit more practice, I no longer speak Mandarin wth an accent; rather I am starting to speak more fluently. When I called the China lawyer that day, for once, I was able to converse in rather decent Mandarin, rather than a smattering of English and Mandarin.
I never ever thought I will ever say this, but I am proud of my culture, of my race, and my ancestry!
So when I was growing up, especially with a mission school education, I started to embrace Western ideas and notions. Like how to be independent and not stick with the parents all the time, especially as a teenager. I scoffed rice and vegetables and preferred eating burgers, steak, potatoes and salmon. I read English books, listened to English songs and avoided anything Chinese - books, music, essays. Even when my parents or relatives spoke to me in Mandarin, I would answer them in English.
But this came with a price. My schoolmates were from English-speaking families, so it was still alright when I talked to them. When I left school and went for a higher education, perhaps due to the standard of the school and the course I was taking, my classmates and I still spoke English to each other. But when I started working, I realised that being mono-lingual really lost out, especially when I come across normal heartlanders whose first language is dialect.
That was when I felt inadequate. My previous boyfriends and their parents are all bilingual, so there was no problem communicating with them. But when we went out and I found it hard to even order a drink from the hawker centre as the person did not understand what I was saying, I always had to ask my guys to help me. My third ex even went as far as to accuse me of being arrogant and stuck-up.
Through the years, I started to rediscover the Chinese language. It is really a beautiful language in its entirety, not the crass sounding language spoken by the general public. When I saw how certain things can be better described in the Chinese language, more poetic and beautiful as compared to in English, I start to be more immersed in the language.
I started researching on the great poems of the Tang dynasty, and although I still cannot quite understand the meaning of the poems, I know they were very beautifully written and well-versed. Then I researched on Chinese history, and could even engage in a discussion with my best friend's youngest sister, who is majoring in Chinese studies at the university, to the astonishment and surprise of my best friend.
I started getting more interested in the books my mum used to read - those classic Chinese literature like "A Dream of Red Mansions", "The Water Margin", "Romance of the Three Kingdoms" and "Journey to the West", as well as the Louis Cha's martial arts series like "The Legend of the Condor Heroes", "Return of the Condor Heroes", "The Heavenly Sword and Dragon Sabre", "The Smiling Proud Wanderer" and "Duke of Mount Deer", even the Wisely stories by Ni Kuan which my childhood friend loves.
I have not read those books in their entireties as my standard of the language is still not proficient enough to read the books in Chinese, so I have been trying to find translated copies of the books. Of course, a translation is not as good as the original. Imagine how is anyone to read Shakespeare or Chaucer or Dickens in translation? Somehow it is just not right! But before I am able to read the original Chinese texts of the books, I can only make do with a translated copy in order to know the stories. Once I know the storyline, the Chinese text will then be a breeze for me with prior knowledge.
I also find myself speaking more Mandarin than before. Where in the past I used to speak nothing but English, now I can adapt to the surroundings more and speak Mandarin when it is required. Through a bit more practice, I no longer speak Mandarin wth an accent; rather I am starting to speak more fluently. When I called the China lawyer that day, for once, I was able to converse in rather decent Mandarin, rather than a smattering of English and Mandarin.
I never ever thought I will ever say this, but I am proud of my culture, of my race, and my ancestry!
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