Beauty World

I went for the local musical last night with a friend. Actually I was supposed to go with him, but then ever since he made the decision not to plunge into anything, he did not even want to go with me anymore. Which is why I said the feelings are probably not mutual. Oh well...

"Beauty World" is a musical with a simple storyline. For such a straightforward storyline, the production is excellent, as it touches on humour, love, jealousy, friendship. The songs are great, some are really touching, especially when the two of them went to the roof and gazed at the moon and stars. That was so beautiful, the slight tinge of romance in the air!

The story is on this girl from Malaysia called Ivy, who came to Singapore in the 1960s to look for her father, who abandoned her in a beauty parlour when she was a baby. She sought refuge at her penpal Rosemary's place and the only clue she had to her father's identity is a jade pendant with the words "Beauty World" engraved on it.

Beauty World is a famous cabaret. The number one lady is Lulu. Ivy took a job there, waitressing, singing and dancing at the same time. She quickly found favour with the men, incurring Lulu's rage and jealousy.

Ivy's boyfriend from Malaysia, Frankie, came to Singapore to look for her, and he stayed at Rosemary's place. He tried going to the Beauty World cabaret to look for Ivy, but Ivy saw him and tried to hide from him.

A waiter / helper at Beauty World, Ah Hock, took pity on Ivy, as he knows she is a proper girl, so he tried to protect her and shield her from the dirty old men who tried to take advantage of her.

At the end, Ivy realised that her mother is none other than Lulu herself! Lulu cried and apologised for giving her away. Frankie asked Ivy to go back with him, and assured her that his love for her will never falter, no matter who her parents are.

An excellent production! Much better than the one shown on television ten years back, played by some of the local television artistes. Why would so many people think that local productions can never be as good as foreign productions, and that we have no local talent?

The stars of the musical are good, they can sing, dance and act. One can really feel their emotions - their sadness, their rage, their happiness, their sense of loss. I enjoyed the show a lot, but in all honesty, I would have enjoyed it much more if only he is the one beside me, if only I do not miss him so much especially during the moonlight scene.

Against All Odds ....

I am dangerously close to falling over the edge of an abyss. Just when I thought I am already beyond all these emotional outbursts, I realise that I simply cannot get someone out of my mind! All the more since I seem to be grinding my teeth more often lately, it really shows I have too many things on my mind!

Initially, I thought it was because of a lingering feeling of something that could have happened but did not. But it has been almost a month now, yet the feeling still lingers. If anything, the feelings have become stronger.

Now, I go by each day thinking of him the moment I wake up, with his image in my mind before I fall asleep. I look at the things he gave me every night before I go to bed. Every time something happens to me, be it happy or sad, no matter how trivial, he is the first person I want to share with.

Whenever I am in a reflective mood and start being in tuned with my deepest feelings, he is the one I want to confide in, to share my deepest thoughts and emotions with. And when he is feeling stressed or upset or nervous, I want to be there to comfort him, to make him happy and encourage him.

Not only that, I can sense when he is being moody, and when he is upset and stressed. I can also sense things which he wanted to say and unspoken meanings and words. Seems like we are on the same wavelength.

Yes, I think I have finally found my soulmate. After so long. Do I dare to say that I have fallen in love again? I am not going to say those three words until everything is confirmed as I am not going to take love or anyone so lightly unless I am absolutely sure.

Especially not after so many bad experiences. At least he feels the same, which is why he decided not to plunge in when he could have. Do I dare to hope that things can still progress? Hell, yes. But with my luck, I suppose the feelings are not mutual, again.

Perhaps it is still too early to tell especially since we only got to know each other quite recently. True love and a long-term relationship needs to go through time and trials before two people can really be together and never be separated. It takes time to really know a person's true colours.

But it is very rare to find someone who shares your interests and passions, whom you can relate to and have a connection with, someone of the right frequency, with the same values and attitude, and you are able to talk about anything and everything with, right from the beginning. It was as if we could click just like that right from the start.

Others I have come across, we started on neutral ground, sometimes without a good impression from the beginning, but it was only along the way that we found we could get along. With him, it was from the very first introduction. Is it any wonder why I find it so hard to let go?

Perhaps everything is still raw, which is why I feel this way. Maybe given time, all will heal, but how long will that take? I cannot afford another five years trying to get over someone who no longer wants to be with me. As it is, I am already not in the mood to go out and meet people.

I have a few friends that are pretty wary of relationships due to their bad experiences. So am I actually. We have all been hurt before, and we have all had relationships that did not work out, so all the more we are careful now not to get hurt again.

Love and feelings are so complicated. People always have criterias what they want, but in the end may end up falling for someone who is totally off their criterias. In many cases, these relationships do work out, if both make things work. But if one person was the one that was doing all the work and the other person did not even care, it would be hard to work out.

Recently I have been seeking advise from various people and reading up tips on how to make a relationship work out. To most people, the main factor is whether the person can be depended upon to share all ups and downs with you, because in a long-term relationship, it is impossible to always have good times. There will be periods where one is down, or facing a crisis.

I was watching a documentary and this lady broke up with her fiance one month before their wedding. She said that when she was in a bad mood, he just left her alone with no words of comfort, and blamed her for making him wait for her when she came home late after a very bad day.

She realised that with him, they could have happy times together, but when it comes to real life, and the downs of life, it seemed that she could not depend on him to go through sadness and problems with her.

It is hard to live with someone, is it not? Even for people of the same family. I know my brothers know when I am in a bad mood and they will leave me alone to sort things out myself. Or when they sense I am unhappy and feel like crying, they will close my room door and leave me alone, even when they need to speak to me.

And for that I am grateful. Of course, they being still relatively young, I do not expect that they can offer me comfort or soothing words, which is why the only thing they do is to leave me alone since they feel they will not be able to help anyway.

But living together as a couple is different. What will you do if your spouse is upset? Are you going to just turn your back and go away, or will you be there to lend a shoulder to cry on? Will you just tell your spouse not to be upset and to stop being moody, or will you be there to cheer him / her up and do things to make him / her happy?

I thought over my past experiences, and realise that I have not been able to depend on anyone at all in terms of crisis and problems. I am not including guys I have dated, just those I have had relationships with.

I remember whenever I was upset or frustrated, granted that I was much more emotional in my younger years, the guys would either just keep quiet or left me alone, when I really needed a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear. Or else they would tell me to stop throwing a hussy fit.

To me, I felt that I was really upset, be it over school or work problems, I needed their support the most, yet that was all they could say? Which made me wonder how much they really cared or valued me. It gave me the feeling that where were they when I needed them the most?

The only person who could come close to actually comforting me when I was down was my second ex. Sometimes he would lend a listening ear, allowed me to cry and rave and rant, but other times he would throw a bigger hussy fit than me.

Yet he too ran away when we had to face difficult times together. Otherwise he would not have disappeared the moment I came back from overseas. Instead of trying to resolve issues, he chose to flee. Looking back now, it was probably a better thing I did not marry him in the end.

So the big question is that, if one is to settle down with someone, shall we choose someone we have similar interests and can do things together with, get along so well and confide in, yet not willing to brave any storms and give up at the slightest hint of problems?

Or shall we choose someone where we may not have common interests with, may not even talk so much with, but are willing to go through thick and thin with you, against all odds, weather all problems throughout the rest of your life, never wavering?

Contemplating A Change Of Environment

I am getting so pissed by the nitty gritty things in my office that I seriously feel like moving on. When I joined this company in September 2006, there was no place for me, so I had to sit in the storeroom, together with all the files and documents.

I was a hermit for four months, nobody knew I existed because I was not introduced around and my then-boss was too busy to really orientate me. I was not given a computer until about a few days later! That time I was the only one with a computer, when everyone else had a laptop. It made me feel like a spare tyre.

I tried to be more proactive, getting information on my own, instead of waiting for others to tell me things, but everyone was either too busy or could not be bothered to answer my queries.

I also took the initiative to befriend people, joining them for lunch, but it seemed that our topics of conversation were different. Most are married with kids, so all they talk about are their husbands, children, in-laws and buying and striking lottery.

So after a while, I started lunching alone, which is fine because I can go to a cosy corner of an eating place and take my time to eat while reading a book. As a result, some of the eating place staff around here know me by sight and know what it is I want to order and where I want to sit.

Then my previous Head of Legal and Legal Counsel left one after another, in November and December 2006. So the Company Secretary was very kind to ask me to move outside, to the place recently vacated by the Legal Counsel. When my new Legal Head (my current boss) and the Legal Counsel came in, I was asked to move back to the store room again.

January 2007 was audit time, and it was quite a tedious process because my company got listed in June 2006, so last year was the first auditing as a public company. That period of time I almost wanted to quit, as I almost broke down.

The auditors kept hounding me for documents, but any documents before September 2006 was not taken care of by me, and with the channel of communication here sometimes, the documents can be anywhere.

The trouble is that everyone assumed I had all the documents, but in the first place, if some other departments prepared a certain document and signed it, but did not pass to me or let me know, I would really have no idea that the document even existed!

Especially documents pertaining to our overseas resorts. Sometimes the overseas resort or company would prepare something, but we were not told, and they signed it internally and kept the documents at their side without letting me know.

Then when the auditors asked, I was totally stumped because I had no idea when the document was prepared and signed, so had to run around asking from everyone. It was really a trying period.

Last April, my office underwent intensive renovation. Finally I had a work place of my own and need not stay in the store room anymore! It was tedious that period of time when we were shifting office and documents, but when everything was over, it was quite a relief. Then I would lunch with the office assistant, or occasionally the Legal Counsel (who has since left).

But my boss expects me to be the store keeper of sorts. Granted we took the store room to store all our files and documents, which are pretty voluminous. However, the room belongs to the office, so we cannot simply claim ownership just like that. Was I supposed to put a sign there saying “Keep Out, Private, No Trespassing”?

The other departments also have documents and files to store. Yet my boss blamed me for letting others put their things in when it was supposed to be our room. It is definitely not our room because it belongs to the entire office, not to anyone or any department! Granted, we have the priority to the room, but it does not mean others cannot use it at all!

The trouble was that after the renovation, anyone and everyone just dumped their unpacked boxes into the room, yet no one wanted to claim ownership. The boxes ended up being stacked up and blocked the cupboards, so I was not able to retrieve any documents.

When I asked around and even complained, I was told the boxes did not belong to anyone, yet when I told my boss and he threatened to throw away anything that did not belong to anyone, I got blamed again for not stopping people from dumping their things in the room, when in the first place I had no idea who were the ones who did that! That was in April – June last year, and that period of time I was really really unhappy.

Luckily now, things are a bit better. The store room has been cleared somewhat and I get to lunch with a colleague, where we do talk and share things with each other. Recently, we have a new Legal Counsel who just came in, and due to lack of space, I have to move again.

It seems that I get bounced around here and there, but what to do, since I am the smallest fry? What really irks me is that I am not beyond doing menial stuff like sending out couriers, or shifting furniture, or even getting screamed and shouted at by my boss, yet people treat me as if I really am the lowest ranking of the lot.

Actually my rank is middle, executive level. I do not mind taking on more work load, even to the extent of doing secretarial or normal administrative jobs. I do not even mind cleaning the store room and the safe. I never do such massive cleaning at home, yet in the office, I had to be like a cleaner but I never once complained or deem it below me.

To me, it does not matter what kind of job and who does the job as long as the job gets done, so if there are things to be done, no matter how menial, I will try my best to do it. Just like when I was shifting my work place, I even moved my own computer and monitor and set it up myself.

This is actually supposed to be done by the Information Technology people, but I did not want to bother them as they are busy enough as it is. Yet I am not even shown the due respect! I am probably the only staff who gets shifted around so often!

My boss once asked why is it I never clear his space for him? Was I expecting him to do the cleaning himself? I was so angry at what he said! Was he treating me like his maid? Not that it is below me to help clear his things, but I hate it that he viewed me as his maid or slave! I am nobody's slave, and I sure do not treat anyone like my slave!

Now I am at the spare place occupied by the Business Development department. The printer is next to me, yet I am not allowed to use because the department is not comfortable with others using the printer. I have no problems using the big printer / photocopier, but I do not like to be treated like an intruder.

When a colleague gave birth last month, the rest wanted to contribute a gift but nobody bothered asking me?! I had to go up and tell my colleague in charge that I would like to contribute too!

I think the reason nobody asked me was because they think I am not close to that colleague, but then giving birth is a joyous event, anyone will want to contribute, so whether close or not, I will want to contribute. If it is even an acquaintance, I would have done the same too, let alone someone working in the same office building!

Actually I do not really mind where I sit. I do not need a big room, or a spacious cubicle, just a normal work space will do. But I only wish that I can be accorded the proper respect and recognition, instead of being treated as if I am not part of the company and just a cheap labourer. As if it is not enough that my work is driving me nuts, now I have to deal with office politics like that. Times like these I really feel like taking a break!

My best friend told me to endure and stay on longer, as it will look good on my resume since this is a rather famous company. Besides, after all the short stints, it is better for me to stay longer here.

Actually in December, I already felt like throwing up everything and quit just like that. With all the blames I got when it was not my fault and my boss screaming and shouting at me as if I am some sort of second-class citizen, I was so tempted to just throw a resignation letter in his face!

But I told myself to hold on because I did want to stay on longer and make my resume look better. But to choose between a more presentable facade and my sanity, I will choose the latter anytime! One of these days when I really break down, it will be time that I move.

Loving You, 我爱你

Chinese New Year is coming, and I am busy cleaning the house again. I used to hate cleaning the house because I am not a neat freak, but in recent years, it gives me great pleasure to keep my room clean and tidy (although I should clean it more often).

Afterall, if I get my own place next time, I should make the effort to keep it clean and neat, is it not? My own room is a good place to start, although that is nothing compared to cleaning the whole house.

Which is why I really appreciate my maid, for helping us keep the house clean all throughout the year. That is why I can never understand why some tend to ill-treat or abuse their domestic help. These girls leave their hometowns in a bid to earn a better living for themselves and their families back home.

They probably get homesick during the first few months or so. Some of them may not be educated and can hardly speak a word of English. Instead of caring for them and helping them adjust, some just treat them as non-existent and hurl verbal and even physical abuse at them! Is it wonder why some maids fight back, and take revenge on the children?

If I am to go overseas to work, I will also like to be well-treated and made to feel like home. But then overseas or not, as long as they are humans (or even animals), they should be accorded the proper respect and treatment, and not abuse. There is no excuse treating anyone or anything in a “lesser” way without basic courtesy.

My new Legal Counsel will be coming in tomorrow and due to lack of space, I have now been shifted to around the middle of the office, in front of the Business Development department, where everyone can see me, instead of a small cosy corner. Not really a good place, in my opinion, as all the more I will be arrowed for just about everything and anything now. :-( But what to do? A small fry like me tends to get bounced anywhere according to others' fancies.

Just now during lunch my colleague and I were discussing about the movie Lust, Caution. Its written by this author called Zhang Ai Ling, who writes rather thought-provoking stories on the different aspects of love.

So anyway, the main female character (played by the actress Tang Wei) was actually in love with her senior in school (played by Wang Lee Hom), but when she had to seduce Tony Leung as a spy, she really fell for him in the end. My colleague was saying that in the book, the ending words are “A woman will always be a woman”, as in a woman treats love and relationships very seriously.

Quite true, is it not? It is almost impossible to ask a woman (a typical woman, not those wanton types) to have a physical relationship with a guy she has no feelings for, or never been in a relationship with. Which is why I can never understand how come guys can have one night stands or ask for sex all the time, even with strangers.

For a typical woman, she can never do that. It is almost impossible for a woman to sleep with a man then just treat it as if nothing happens. Just like it is almost impossible for a woman to start liking a man, then suddenly switch off like that and treat it as if nothing has happened.

Zhang Ai Ling wrote a few more books. There was one that was also made into a movie of sorts, called “Red Rose, White Rose”. My colleague was narrating to me the story, about this guy dating both girls, one called Red Rose, the other called White Rose. Half the book is on a first scenario, the other half on the second scenario, something like the Gwyneth Paltrow’s movie “Sliding Doors”.

The first scenario was when he chose Red Rose and married her, yet kept thinking of White Rose and what could have been. The second scenario was the other way round - he chose and married White Rose, yet kept thinking of Red Rose and what could have been.

At the end of the story, the message is that a guy may claim he loves this girl and marries her, but at the end of the day, he will forever be thinking of the one he did not choose, because in life sometimes, the one you like may be one person, but the one you end up marrying and have children with may be another person.

How true! Actually girls also behave this way. But for me, I can never agree to marry someone I do not love, wholly and totally, with all my heart because it will be only unfair to the guy if I agree to be with him and marry him, yet cannot reciprocate the love he shows me.

Because to me marriage is for life, so even though I do hope to get married some time within the next few years or so, at the same time I will not just settle down with anyone. The one I settle down with is someone whom I really love with all my heart, and vice versa of course. Someone I really want to be with and live with, carve a future with.

I am not sure if guys are like that, but one thing about girls, especially a highly emotionally strung one like myself, if we really like a guy very much, we will try to do things to show our care and concern, to make him happy, and even if he has no response or just a little response, it will make our day.

However, if it is someone we have no feelings for, no matter how much the guy does for us, we will somehow not be touched. Unfair I know, but such is the complexity of feelings. One can give so much to someone who never appreciates you, but yet not accept the one who truly appreciates you.

There was also another story by the same author, where the ending sentence is something like “The furthest distance is not how far apart two people are, but how close they are to each other, yet never know how much they love each other.” In the original text, it is “人与人最远的距离不是分开多久，而是在你身边，却不知道他有多么的爱你.” Beautiful!

A few weeks back, I was watching this Hong Kong series called “The Threat Of Love”. It has two series of 10 episodes each, a total of 20 episodes. Each episode is one story, but all the stories touch on the different aspects of love, between parents and children, siblings, friends, couples, homosexuals, etc.

A very heartwarming show. The first series is better though, more touching, the second is funnier. This is something like the movie “Love, Actually”, where in this society when one thinks people are incapable of love, they look around and find that love actually is all around them.

Let's hope I will have better luck this year when it comes to love! :-p

Post-Date Reflections ....

I went on a date last night. That guy is a very interesting person, worldly and knowledgeable, articulate and well-groomed. He drives a fancy car and stays in a fancy place. He is a chatty and vivacious person. This is one of the few times I went out with a guy and did not need to talk much, as he was doing most of the talking.

We went for dinner, and wanted to catch a movie, but in the end the tickets were all sold out. It was quite a relief because I was not really in the mood, so I cut short the date and he drove me home. Throughout the dinner, somehow my heart was not in it, as I kept thinking of someone else.

I know I should not compare, and besides yesterday was the first time I was meeting him, but I really cannot help it. I started thinking of the first time he and I went out, the good times we had, and I just could not help comparing.

That guy asked if I would like to continue seeing him, and he would stop seeing others. Honestly, I have no idea what to tell him. He will be away serving the country for the next three weeks, so maybe by the time he is back, things may change?

The guy is decent and normal, he knows how to treat a lady well, how to let her have a good time and feel comfortable. But I admit it is my problem, because I wish I was out with someone else instead. I know if I was out with him, I would behave in a much different way.

I cannot go out with someone if I end up thinking of someone else. It is just unfair and unethical. I realise one thing - I cannot get him out of my mind! And I also realise another thing - I do not need fancy cars and a fancy place, nor a well-groomed and worldly person, not even a chatty person.

People like these are interesting and fun to hang out with. But what I need is someone down to earth and simple, and enjoys the simple things in life, someone who is articulate yet introverted, a good listener. Someone who can relate to and connect with me, who shares my interests and passions. A normal car and simple apartment will suffice.

My brothers were surprised that I was home before 10:30pm from a date. So I told them if one's heart was in it, one would have a very good time and time would fly and you hoped time would standstill, reluctant to part after a date. But if one's heart is not in it, one will hardly wait for the date to end and to just go home quickly.

A New Resolution

Lately I have been reading a lot about death. Okay, I know I am being morbid again, but it makes me realise that life is so fragile. One moment we can be happily dining with our loved ones, and the next moment we can just collapse and stop breathing just like that.

What if we die without a chance to fulfil anything we set out to do? What if I go out later and get knocked down by a car, or hit by an object someone threw from a high-rise, or trip and fall and knock my head, and die just like that?

Life is fragile indeed. Imagine you come into this world, without any care and worries, without any knowledge except to cry and scream. Suddenly you can go by in life, gaining knowledge, experience, starting to care and worry, yet at the end of your lifespan, you may not even have achieved anything much.

Two weeks into 2008, and what have I done? Job wise, I am coping better. Study wise I have signed up for modules and getting the books. All I need now is to wait for the start of the semester in late January.

Religion wise, I have been praying more, and will be going for the nine-week Easter Novena starting next Saturday. As for the rest of my resolutions, I have yet to do much, so I really must get something done.

I have one more resolution to add - and that is to be a better person. To be more focused and live life to the fullest, to try to achieve my dreams and goals. After all, I do not want to suddenly die and not get anything done in my life!

Of Weirdos And Psychos

Just when I was thinking of the people in my life who had affected me in some way, I think it is only fair to reflect on the weird characters I have come across. Good people, and people I have had relationships with, are no doubt part of my life, some who are still a big part of my life, some where only memories are left - memories of good times and bad.

But in life, one comes across all kinds of characters, especially weird ones as well. And I always believe in taking the good and the bad because life is not perfect, and people are not perfect. One just have to screen out the ones who are really true and those who are not.

My first incident with a weird character was way back in upper secondary. I was in the midst of studying for my upcoming national examinations, when I received a call from a guy. He sounded a lot like my childhood friend Z, so I started kidding with him in the usual way.

Until he introduced himself, and I realised I was talking to a complete stranger! The strange thing was that how in the world did he ever get my number?! I was from a girls' school, so only a handful of guys know my number, especially since that year we shifted house and it was a new number!

So I excused myself and hanged up the phone. He called me the next day, and said he saw me the last time when I went out with my friends and liked me a lot so asked if he could get together with me!

I knew he was lying because I was restricted then and not allowed to go out with my friends, even to hang out anywhere. And besides, whatever he said on how he met me were all untrue! Either that, or someone passed herself off as me and gave him my number!

So I said that I hardly know him, and anyway, I did not intend to be involved in a relationship until I finished my studies (well, half a year later I was involved in my first relationship, but that is a different story altogether. :-p)

He would still call as and when until one day I told him that I would be going overseas to further my studies and would not be coming back for some time. Since then, he never called anymore. At times, one must really say a white lie (although that is not encouraged) to protect oneself.

The second weird character was when I was undergoing tertiary studies. At that time, the email system was just set up on campus, so everyone was excited, trying to email people. Since people viewed my name as "special", I received quite a number of emails from others, mostly guys from the Engineering side (like AD and V).

There was this guy called CM, who emailed me frequently. Then one day, we happened to be just sitting next to each other in one of the computer labs, both checking our mails. He sent me an instant mail, saying, "I think you are next to me."

I turned to the side and saw him and he smiled at me. My first impression was that he was round! And chubby! And when we both stood up because our times were up, I realised he is shorter than me!

He chatted me up, saying I look better than the Engineering girls. Well, thank you, but somehow I did not feel that comfortable chatting with him. He asked me out on the day of his birthday, and well, since I thought it was his birthday, I thought to just celebrate with him, even though I did not feel that comfortable going out with him.

We went to a Swiss Restaurant, and I ordered Spaghetti Bolognaise, and the first words he said were, "Wow! You can speak French!" Erh... "Spaghetti Bolognaise" is actually Italian. Throughout that period, he was so pompous that I was totally bored after a while and just wanted to cut the outing short!

Before that, I mentioned to my ex that I would be going out with this guy, and he said he heard from his Engineering friends that this guy is a lady killer, so warned me to be careful. But when I saw him, I seriously had no idea why would anyone even think of the words "lady killer", because, well, he is short, round and yet he dressed as if he had such a hunky figure. The entire effect made him look like a penguin!

Coincidentally, it was later on that I realise he was in the same group as V and my third ex, except that time he was furthering his studies in Australia, so thank goodness I never got to see him ever again!

The third and fourth weird characters were back in 2005. Somehow, I met quite a number of weird characters that year. The former showed so much interest in me, when I was not interested in the first place, but after a while, since we could get along, I decided to just go out with him.

Which was a big mistake, because he made me pay for everything! He insisted on taking me to an expensive place, which I said a simple place would suffice, but later he ordered the most expensive dishes, and then claimed he forgot his wallet so could I pay?

I was so embarrassed that I wanted to walk out there and then! My best friend told me I should have just walked out! But at that point in time, I did not wish for any trouble, so just paid for us. He kept apologising and then he asked me out again, to go clubbing, saying he needed to pay me back.

That day happened to be Ladies Night, so it was free for me. Again, the same thing happened. He said he had no change for entrance fee, asked me if I could pay. I was seething with rage, but still I did not want to kick up a fuss.

Then we went in, and he took whatever money I had left to buy two rounds of drinks, the most expensive ones! After that I was so mad that I told him I wanted to go home, and he just said bye and went to the dance floor, without even seeing me off in a cab!

I dropped him then and there. He had the cheek to call me the next day and asked why did I not inform him when I reached home? Why should I, since he clearly did not even care whether I existed or not? He then said he managed to call some friends and got a free lift home! What a cheapskate!

The latter took me as his girlfriend when all in all, I had only spoken two sentences to him, when he showed me his poem and I said it was a good piece. Since then, he kept asking me out, telling me he would come pick me up, calling me out at the last minute and refusing to take no for an answer.

He kept messaging me, emailing me, and when I did not reply, he would bomb me with more messages and emails. He still had the cheek to say I was unfaithful when I went out with my guy friends! I have never come across such a shallow character! Luckily he finally stopped contacting me altogether.

Since then, there have been other weird characters I have come across, but I guess my archives are comprehensive enough to detail my experiences with these weirdos, so I shall refrain from repeating.

Despite being irritated from meeting pricks like these, they sort of enrich my life. Variety is the spice of life. Life will be so mundane if one only meets good people all the time. Although of course, I rather meet normal good people than pests. Hopefully I get to meet more good people henceforth!

The Bonds Of Friendship

I am still in a reflective mood, which is why I started thinking of the people in my life. One cannot choose one's parents and family members, but one can choose one's friends and life partner.

Many a time when I was growing up, I wished I could have other kinds of parents instead, but for the past couple of years or so, I have begun to truly appreciate my parents and family members because they have stood by me and helped me out despite my mistakes.

In this relatively short life I have, with an even shorter religious journey, I am grateful for certain people whom I have come across. Some have become a part of my life, some I have lost contact with, some I do still keep in touch with but they have become mere acquaintances.

Not everyone has been good though, which is why in life, one has to take the good and the bad, otherwise life is just so boring with no excitement. Although of course I wish for more good times and a simpler life, instead of dealing with stupid idiots of late.

Where shall I begin? I am never a social butterfly, even now. I am more a wallflower. I find it hard to open up to people whom I do not know in person. Somehow I seem to be more chatty online than actual face to face. Which is why I have very few close friends, instead of many friends.

But then there are people whom one can click with from the beginning, and there are people whom one has totally no chemistry with. With this I mean for both genders, because those whom one can get along with normally become firm friends and those whom we have no chemistry with we do not even keep in further contact.

I do not have that many friends in primary school. The only ones I still know from primary school are ironically those whom I know from outside and not from my own school. We still keep in contact, with the occasional messages and emails.

They are three guys, Z (the brother of my senior), B (a guy I met in a holiday camp) and Y (my godbrother). I met Z through his sister as we stay near each other (even now - just down the street at the other side of the train station) and he is one guy I have known for the longest time - twenty years in fact.

He used to study in the boys' school opposite my school, so we would meet up after school sometimes to study together, exchange papers and tutor each other. He would guide me in Chinese, Mathematics and Science and I would guide him in English and Literature. My classmates used to think we were a couple!

B's mother and my mum used to work in the same company, so we always met each other in the same holiday camp, and since we are both the same age, we always ended up in the same team. Of course we exchanged numbers and kept in contact, as even though we went to different schools, we would exchange papers and studied together sometimes.

Y is now somewhere in the States, one of the high powers of Wall Street, after graduating with a double degree in Engineering and Finance. I "adopted" him after a certain incident when he showed his really cute and innocent side!

Then in secondary school, I had a couple of close friends, both girls since I was from a convent. ML and P are best friends, even now. P just got married to her first boyfriend, whom she broke up with but later got back together after ten years and two more relationships.

I used to go to ML's place all the time and vice versa in lower secondary since we stayed just three bus stops away from each other. We were so close that we even showered together, being both girls! We also bought Teacher's Day gifts together, and her mother used to know me quite well.

P used to stay just down the street from me before she married. We have a common pen-pal from England, whom we met up with when he came by a few years back.

Upper secondary, I met L from a holiday computer enrichment class. He happened to study in the boys school opposite my school, and is one year my junior. We lunched together during the five-day class, and took the same bus back together since we happened to be staying around the same area.

The following week, he called me and we chatted for about three hours. Then he asked me out for a computer exhibition and brought a friend along. A few days later, he asked me out to play badminton, but since he was a school player, needless to say my skills were hardly on par with his.

After that, we did not keep in contact save for the Christmas cards we sent each other. A year later, on my birthday, he called me to wish me a happy birthday, and sent me a Birthday card. I was rather surprised to hear from him that time.

However, since then, we never kept in touch anymore, although I still see him sometimes near my place, but he does not seem to recognise me anymore. In any case, I think he is now married.

Post-secondary, I met my best friend. Coincidentally, she was the classmate of B when they were in secondary school. Before I entered the school, he called me and told me to look out for his classmate, and she was the first person I met during orientation.

Since then, we began a long history of close friendship and each other's confidantes all the way until now. I went to her house often, and her parents, grandmother, sisters, even her maternal grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins and friends know me!

She is the only friend I have (not including guys I have had relationships with, because when I was with the guys, obviously I would get to know his family members, relatives and friends) that I know to such an extent!

And of course, her ex, who was more in her class than mine. We used to go out together quite often, she and him, my second ex and I. The four of us would go for movies, or meals, or generally just go to her place to hang out and relax. We would also go to his (her ex) place whenever there was any festive occasion. Those were really happy and carefree times.

Post-secondary, I met my first ex too. We were involved in some activities together, which was why we started hanging out more often in the first place, even though we were in different classes.

Falling in love then was a wonderful feeling. I was young and naive, and I was at the stage of my life where I was rebellious and went against my parents all the time. Come a guy who was witty and interesting, and who showed interest in me and well, I lost my head and my heart.

My best friend warned me against him, but I chose to rule by my heart, only to have it broken very badly. Yet she was the one who stood by me after that, ensured I was alright, brought me out together with her classmates, kept me happy, brought me to the arcade to hit my frustrations out, even bringing me to watch movies with her family members! My ex just went on with another girl shortly after, and never gave a hoot as to whether I was alright!

Despite that, we had good times. We went kite-flying at the then Marina South, had a long walk and saw the sunset on the beach. He would get his dad to pick me up at my home in the mornings and we would go for breakfast together before school started.

A year later, he called me and asked for a reconciliation, as his girlfriend (ex) just left him. He asked me to the beach, and he would take me for a stroll along the waterfront, where we would sit on the breakwater moon gazing.

I was so mad that I just hung up the phone. The day of his twenty-first birthday, I called him to wish him a happy birthday, and that was another mistake, as when he found out I was going into teaching, he was full of criticisms and sarcasms, as if nothing I embarked on could ever succeed. I was so seething with rage that I totally cut off all contact since then.

Tertiary, and I met my second ex. I met a few other close friends in law school, like the guy CK (the top student of my batch), whose best friend is a female called S1, another one of my close friends whom we still keep in contact up to now.

Then a guy J, the leader of our tutorial group. S2, another lady whom I still contact occasionally. CK is now in the States, having license to practice in Singapore, England and now the States as well. J is now a lecturer.

S1 used to be the Legal Counsel for Creative Technologies, but ever since getting married in late 2005 (whose wedding I attended together with S2), she has been having a semi-socialite life. S2 is still working in a small law firm, and is not about to change.

S1 gave me my first makeup kit, then she and my best friend came by to my place and gave me a crash course on makeup and grooming. Then they brought me shopping and taught me how to be more fashion-savvy and dress according to my figure and skin colour.

And of course, friends of my second ex, like BI, who used to work at the Ministry of Law and whom we used to visit sometimes when he was working overtime and alone in the office. And SR who is now married to a dietician and runs his own company, and who still messages me once in a while.

It was also at this time that I met MC. S1, S2 and a few other classmates and I were at the campus cafe. Seated at the table next to us were a group of guys. For some reason, two of them kept turning our way.

Initally, I thought it was because the food we got were appetising since we ordered lots of food as that day we just ended a tough tutorial session so wanted to have a mini-celebration.

Then when we stepped out of the cafe, one of the guys at the table came running up to us, tapped me on my shoulder, gave me a piece of paper, and said, "Sorry, my friend asked me to give you this" before running back.

On the slip of paper was the name (MC) and his pager number, with the words, "Pls don't disappoint me". Well, I had no idea what to make of that, and my friends were teasing me to no end. I was already attached then, and told my ex. Needless to say, he was not very happy about it.

Still, I could not control my curiosity and called (paged) the number. When that guy called, he said that I look a lot like a former girlfriend of his, and he would really like to get to know me. Since then, we would chat on and off on the phone.

Sometimes in the morning, he would meet me at my hostel and we would go for breakfast together. He gave me a gift on my birthday. I did not exactly reject his advances, but neither did I encourage him, as to me, he was just a friend. I wanted my ex to know him too but he (my ex) refused.

Even after I left the school, we would still keep in contact for another year or so, before finally losing touch with each other. Come to think of it, it had been almost ten years when he first asked his friend to give me that slip of paper with his number and I had no idea how he is now.

Friends I met in my teaching course include HP. She took almost all the same modules as me (except she took English Language whereas I took English Literature, but all the others are the same), so we became really close and would study and discuss tutorials and projects together.

The guy E, who used to kid with us (me and HP), and who declared he would never marry, but the last time I saw him in 2005, he had a ring on his finger. He used to stay behind my second ex, so we used to take the same transport together whenever I was going to his (my ex's) place.

There is also the guy R, whom I taught how to play the piano, and who always wanted to be my partner during music projects and keyboard examinations. Then the friends I know from the Catholic Student's Apostolate like PT, the President (whom I take as some sort of elder brother) and his wife A.

The Vice-President C1 and her husband H, our Publicity Officer RS and her husband JC, as well as a former member JL. I still keep in touch with them, and we went to RS and JC's wedding in June 2006.

And then RM, who is several years older than me, married with a wife and three kids, but chose to stay in the hostel because it was too far to travel from his home to campus. We used to visit each other in our respective rooms, and when I was ill once, he brought up some food for me. A real family man!

There is also SH and her husband HQ, who was the President and Business Manager of the Student Liaison Club for which I was Treasurer. They now have a one year old daughter. They got married in December 2005, but since I was away in Tasmania then, so did not attend their wedding.

Other friends I have met in tertiary via the internal email system and whom we still keep in touch are two guys, AD and V. AD used to share his poetry with me, and he gave me a booklet of poems he composed on his own during one of my birthdays! AD would also compose some songs and he would page me and sang his compositions into my pager's voicemail!

V was the one who introduced me to my third ex. We (V and I) used to chat a lot online, and he would confide all his ups and downs in me, asking for advise on his broken heart(s), and I would dump all my emotional baggage on him as well.

I have known both guys (AD and V) for a decade already. Now they are both attached, with V getting married next year. AD broke up with his girlfriend two years back but recently they got back together, with a much stronger relationship than before.

Then there is also RC, whom I knew from my music class, and whom I really enjoy intellectual conversations with. He is my age and from one of the more prestigious schools, so we used to discuss schoolwork as well. I have known him for about fifteen years now.

I remember once when he was still in the army, he was so bored that he called me to chat. Luckily I was at home. That day, we chatted for four hours! Another time he paged me, and left a voicemail asking if I wanted to chat. So I called him back and we chatted for another few hours!

Then when I broke up with my second ex, he took me out and spent the day with me, despite having a girlfriend (now his wife). I just attended his baby's first month celebration in October.

Actually after I broke up with my second ex, I really had lots of help, and for that I was eternally grateful. Besides RC, my best friend took me out to her cousin's twenty-first birthday party in a chalet, then we went to her place and stayed the night. She even took me to her colleague's housewarming party!

HP brought me out for a movie and meal, without her then-boyfriend, and we just spent the whole day together, both of us. V brought me out together with his friends, for a movie, meal and pool session.

I have the best memories with my second ex. He would go with me to my hostel on Monday mornings, then go to my hostel on Fridays and picked me up when I went home during the weekends. That time he did not drive, so he would take the long train ride with me.

Then when he started driving, he would pick me up from home and would drive me to church, or drive me back to my hostel. Every Valentine's Day, Christmas and Anniversary, he would never forget a gift and flowers and would bring me out to celebrate. He was there during my graduation and vice versa.

Despite all our quarrels and bitterness, the messy breakup and his temper, I did have a good time and felt quite blessed being with him throughout. I used to be bitter and focused on the negative things, but of all my exs, he was the one that really treated me the best.

Friends I have met in adulthood include K, whom I have known for like six years now. He had seen me through my failed relationship(s) from that moment, and I have seen him through his. We used to hang out for meals and movies. We still exchange emails and updates about our lives. He is now on a working stint in the States.

There is also C2, who used to hang out with me and whom I used to call whenever I needed a listening ear before he had a girlfriend. I have also known him for six years already. And M, another one I have known for about six years, who is now married, and whom I ask for advise sometimes.

Ex-colleagues from my teaching days who have become close friends are O (a lady old enough to be my mother), who for some reason, took me as her goddaughter and who used to always tried getting me to go out with her son. Even now, she will occasionally call me and ask about my status.

There are also GL, SL (whom I attended her wedding in late 2004), AL, my supervisor H and my choir partner SK (who married a Latino and now expecting a baby in England).

Without them, I would never have managed to cope with my first year as a teacher. If not for their help, guidance, tips and advise, I would never have made it through and passed my probation. Whatever improvement I made as a teacher was mostly due to their encouragement and support.

Plus teachers from other schools whom I met through workshops, like this guy CH, who would pick me up and drive me to the workshop venue during the nine-week session, who shared with me the joy of his daughter's birth, and once tried to introduce me to his classmate and colleague.

Then there are RB and JN, whom I met from the Lyric Opera, whom I view as my elder sisters and will sometimes confide in. There is ET (also from the Lyric Opera), my friend who got married last weekend, who always help me see things objectively from a guy's point of view whenever I find it hard to understand some people.

D was also from the Lyric Opera. He was the one who sponsored me in my bible classes, and saw through my journey to baptism and confirmation. He was with me every week, got me involved in his church choir and retreat, and the first carolling to the elderly, even though he has a girlfriend (now his wife). I will always be grateful for his time and support.

The greatest mistake I ever made was to be with a certain married jerk. I have already lost all feelings for him a long time ago. I only feel sad for his wife and kid, and for myself, for being so foolish. It was from there that I started using my head instead of my heart.

If anything, he made me grow up. He opened my eyes to the exact type of person he is. He made me realise that the world is not all plain and simple, as seen from my idealistic eyes. Ironically, he achieved something which no other guy I was involved in had ever achieved - to use my head instead of my heart.

In the past year itself, there were two guys I was seeing, not at the same time. One of them was a very interesting person, and we got to have lots of fun together, but ever since he said to stop seeing each other, he totally cut off all contact with me.

Still, we had a great time. He really took care of me. Even when I went to his place, when he had no car, he would walk with me to the bus stop or train station, took the bus or train back with me, walked me back home, then go all the way home on his own, no matter how late.

When he had a car, he would pick me up from my place or office and drove me back. Even when he asked me to go to his place, he would come out from his place to my place to pick me up, then drive all the way back.

The other one is a more introverted person, but I enjoyed his company much more, because I was able to talk to him about anything and everything, able to relate and have a connection, something which I could never achieve with the previous guy.

He also gave me a very good time. The first time we went out, he came to pick me up from my place. He came out of the car and gave me a gift as a "first meetup present", then opened the car door for me. Since then, whenever we went out, he would pick me up from my home or office and drove me back after that.

When he knew I wanted to watch Jacky Cheung and Beauty World, he offered to pay and gave me his credit card number, expiry date as well as identification number, so I could book using his card. Even though now he is no longer going to watch with me, he refused to let me pay him and told me to just give the extra ticket away.

He even bought me a pair of white gold dangling earrings and white lilies on Christmas Eve! Which is why I still think of him quite a bit. Right now we are still in touch, and that is a good thing, as, well, who knows what the future will bring?

There is also G, a guy I met a few months back. He was the one that got me involved in the recent carolling session, and who guides me in prayers and whom I will discuss about religion and the bible.

We went out a few times, and he always picked me up from my home or office and drove me back after that. During his church fund-raising, he specially saved a little accessory for me which they were selling. Even during the carolling practices and sessions, he would come by to pick me up and drove me back.

There is also DN, whom I met in late 2006. I remember the day I met him, it was raining very heavily. I lost my way on the way to the cafe, so I called the cafe, requesting to speak to him. I apologised profusely for being late and asked if he would wait.

I am not sure if I gave him a very good impression after that, because he did wait for me. When I arrived, I was totally drenched. I paid for the coffee session, as compensation for being late, then he asked me out for dinner.

After that, we were stranded in the rain for a very long time, and in the end, he sheltered me with his briefcase and we made a run to the train station opposite to take the train back. He sent me a message to ensure that I reached home safely.

Since then, he would ask me out as and when. These four guys I just mentioned really take care of me whenever we are out, they never allow me to pay a single thing even when I offer, and will pick me up and drive me back.

They are attentive and gentlemanly. I feel really pampered when I am out with them! They make me realise that I am entitled to good treatment too, that I deserve to be treated like a real lady!

Current colleagues and friends in my company include YY, my former lunch buddy, whom I used to talk and confide in. Then there was VY, the former Legal Counsel. And now CY, the new colleague and current lunch buddy, who is twenty-four and married, and will give me tips on relationships and marriage.

Not to mention friends I met from the blogging circle, like Richard, Mark, Sonic, Ole Wolvie, Gus, Grace, Sentosa, Goy, Imp and WL, some of whom have progressed to emailing and chatting online, and whose comments, feedback and advise I value greatly.

I am truly grateful for all these people in my life. True friends, and not so true friends. Some of them I have fallen out with, but started talking to again. My best friend and I have quarrelled quite a number of times before, but in the end somehow when we contacted each other again, it was as if the quarrel never took place at all.

My third ex and I had a messy breakup, but now we are talking and getting along greatly like very old friends. It was as if we were never involved with each other before, there was no awkwardness whatsoever.

True friendship, like love and relationship, really need to withstand the test of time. Despite all the quarrels and disagreements, despite having differences in opinions, despite people changing and maturing, the friends who stand by me all these while are the ones I really and truly treasure.

A real strong friendship needs to go through trials, and I know these are the friends I will keep for life. Just like a relationship, sometimes the couple need to go through some trials and tests and if the relationship can survive, it will emerge all the more stronger.

Sheer Idiocy Of Human Nature

I am sure that everyone has come across people who are really irritating, and is surprised that they can actually do things that do not reflect their intelligence. Or perhaps these people do not have that level of intellect in the first place, which probably explains their very idiotic and déclassé actions.

Which is why I only choose to befriend intelligent and educated people who are decent and normal. After all, why create unnecessary trouble in an already problematic life? And intelligent people are those that behave in a way that is on par with their intellect, rather than irritating bastards who behave like absolute morons.

I am really angry! I am surprised at myself that I can still lose my temper, despite trying to control my feelings and not be so emotional of late. Just as much as a couple of years ago, despite having extreme mood swings, I still try to be cordial to people, even if they try to do anything funny, or try to talk dirty to me. I just told them not to get me involved in any one night stands or fooling around because I am not that type.

Most will leave me alone. A few will keep trying their luck because they think I am playing hard to get, until I tell them that when I say No, I mean No, and not because I am playing hard to get. It is not a matter of truly meaning what I say or not, but some people are just too dense to get the message.

But now I have no qualms blasting off at people who try to be funny to me. After all, I figured that in the first place, I do not owe them anything to be civil to them, and secondly, if they do not even want to show the appropriate respect, why must I give them face?

What I cannot fathom, up to now, is that why would some pricks think starting a conversation with any female automatically have to do with any physical relationship?

Seriously, can people not talk about normal decent matters, instead of asking about holding hands or intimacy the moment they start a conversation?! Hello, the guy is a total stranger to me, and vice versa! Do these people just chat up total strangers and then say things like that?!

For instance, I have been in a rather bad mood lately. This guy tried chatting me up but I was not in the mood to talk to mere strangers and acquaintances, so I ignored him for days. He just kept probing until I finally told him to leave me alone because I am not in the mood.

For most normal decent people, they will either ask if everything is okay, or leave you alone, or offer a shoulder to cry on, or show concern in some ways. That is the right thing to do, is it not? But not this prick! He actually asked, "Why not in the mood? Not enough sex is it? As long as it is consensual that is okay."

Erh.... must everything be related to sex?! People can be in a bad mood for a lot of other factors and reasons, and sex (or the lack of) is definitely not one of them, especially for a singleton! I got so riled up that I totally blasted out at him.

I told him that not everything is to do with anything physical. He still had the cheek to say that physical aspect is a key component to happiness, and any relationship cannot survive if there is no sex! Geez!!

I really told him off! I said that physical aspect is not part of my happiness, and neither is it for a lot of normal decent people I know. He had the nerve to say I am square! So my final words were that I rather be a square, no big deal, than to be a perverted psycho who cannot even show basic respect and courtesy to others and self!

Come to think of it, do guys ever experience this, getting solicited from females? No doubt there are girls who are aggressive too, and I have heard of males who complain of sexual harassment from females, but luckily the friends I know are the decent types who have a high level of respect for themselves and others. Anyway in general, girls are not as daring as to come right out to a guy and ask to bed them.

The world is full of different kinds of people, which makes it so interesting, but complicating at the same time. My best friend just complained to me that she was really angry at a certain colleague of hers, who kicked up a big fuss just because she (my best friend) left one of the common spoons in her coffee cup in the sink at her office pantry because the pantry lady kindly offered to wash for her.

Apparently, that colleague was not happy because the common spoon was left in the cup in the pantry sink, and not on the tray or washed properly. This colleague complained to the pantry lady, who inadvertently let it slip to my best friend.

So she shot an email to her office people, saying that she is well capable of washing her own spoon, but she left it there only because the pantry lady kindly volunteered to wash for her and asked her to leave it there, and in future, please direct all complaints to her personally instead of going through a third party.

Do people have nothing better to do than to kick up a big fuss over such a trivial matter? Does it matter where the spoon was left, or whether the cup was left in the sink, or on the tray, or even in the bathroom? Is it some form of personal insult if the spoon was left there or somewhere else?

One thing I absolutely abhor is people who cannot show basic courtesy and respect to anyone, be it someone of the same gender or different. Why would these jerks think soliciting for sex is the right and normal thing to do?! Or even kicking up a big fuss over trivial matters like a spoon and boiling water in the office pantry?!

At times I really wonder about the upbringing of people (okay, perhaps that is going a bit too far), but for any normal decent well brought-up person, these kind of actions are totally unheard of and definitely not condoned!

Seriously, why must some people be so cheap? And I am referring to both males and females here. Do they think sleeping around like that is healthy and normal?! I find it an absolutely grotesque act!

I mean, you do not even know this person, yet you are willing to let the person touch you everywhere and anywhere and have a physical relationship with no strings attached?! It is absolutely disgusting!

I am already not the ultra-conservative type, although a lot of people will beg to differ. My mum already frowns on me for being too liberal. She said how can a girl always have one relationship after another (not that I want to, but well, I was too emotionally swayed and even though I always wanted things to work out but somehow they never did), and even allow the guy to touch me all over (because my third ex used to like to rove his hands everywhere which I did not feel that comfortable about also).

I am not that conservative as to not even touch a guy, or allow a guy to touch me. I do hold hands, kiss, French kiss even, with a slight level of intimacy, but only with someone I seriously like very very much.

And I also only allow someone I seriously like very very much (and whom I sense feel the same way) to do the same to me, not just any mere stranger or acquaintance, or even a friend, who only wants to get fresh, hoping for a chance to get laid.

And no, I have never and will never initiate a relationship, or hold a guy's hand, or kiss a guy, even if I really have feelings for him, unless he feels the same way and initiate it.

So I do not understand why must some people degrade themselves like this, taking things and people so lightly, instead of being serious?! I take relationships and friendships very seriously. There is a distinction between friends and more than friends, and to me, there will always be a line drawn between these two, no matter how much and deeply I feel for someone, as long as we are still friends, certain barriers are not to be crossed.

Which is why I do not just go out with anyone, especially guys, even though I may probably give the impression that I go out a lot with anybody. The guy must give me an absolute trustworthy and reliable feeling in the first place before I even agree to meet up.

With most others, I do not even want to meet up or even if we did meet up, I cannot wait for the outing to end or I will cut short the meetup myself. A girl needs to know how to protect herself sometimes from being harmed, especially since I have lost my head once, so all the more I need to be wary.

Mediterranean Night!

My company event last night was pretty interesting. We booked Club Islander at Sentosa, just next to the bridge linking the Southernmost Point of Continental Asia.

We were supposed to get off work at 3:00pm, but since my colleague and I were going with my boss, we had to wait for him to finish his meeting before we could leave.

The funny thing was that we made a wrong turn all the way to the railway station, then had to turn back, went into Sentosa, made the wrong turn again towards the eastern end of Sentosa when the venue was at the western end of Sentosa.

So we had to turn back again and by the time we finally reached the venue and changed into our beach / exercise wear, we were really late and the first event – Scavenger Hunt, had already started.

So while waiting, I brought my colleague to cross the bridge to the Southernmost Point of Continental Asia, where the sands are nice and water is flowing. That stretch still makes a very nice and cosy picnic area. Two Indian tourists asked us to take photos with them!

Sentosa on a weekday afternoon is really quiet. There was hardly anyone on the beach and crossing the bridge, unlike a weekend where the place will be filled to the brim!

Anyway by the time we went back, those involved in the Scavenger Hunt had returned, so we proceeded to the next game. There were 8 teams, and the tallest guy in every team had to stand on a chair at the ending point with a mineral water bottle on his head. Then another guy had to balance the smallest size girl on his shoulders, where she had to use a hose to fill up the bottle with water.

The hose would be filled from a bucket at the starting point, two other team members would then bring the hose (without spilling any water), run to the ending point and give the hose to the girl to fill up the bottle, all without any leakage! It was a pretty exciting game, and needless to say, some water did spill out. The team that filled up the bottle first would be declared winner, and my team won! :-)

The next game was a Tug Of War. Our Chairman himself took part, so of course his team won. It was quite painful to hold onto the rope and kept pulling at the same time.

I did not take part since there was already enough people, but my colleague pulled the rope and she showed me callouses on her hands after that. Poor thing!

Dinner was at Club Islander, the beach shack, itself. Soft drinks and wine were on the house, but fruit punches would be under one’s own expense. It was a buffet dinner, but honestly, the food was not that good, although filling.

There was mee siam, kebab, spaghetti, roast chicken, beef, lamb, bread and butter pudding, rolls with butter, salad (three varieties), mushroom soup and of course the normal assortment of cakes and fruit as dessert.

Oh, did I mention the event was a Mediterranean theme, so after the beach games, we had to dress in a Mediterranean style? I wore a white long sleeve flowing blouse with ruffles, with a long yellowish flowery skirt, and a beaded necklace, with an orchid in my hair.

A pity I did not take a picture of that. The picture I had was taken by my colleague, when both of us were at the beach. I was in my exercise gear, with my hair in a mess!

All in all, it was a fun event. I think team spirit was supposed to be built up, but as usual, people stayed together in their own departments and cliques, so at times, it was hard to mingle around. I got to see a lot of people whom I have never seen before as well!

What Is Life?

I am feeling down, really down. Being the weirdo I am, this is one time when I am in another of my mood swings. Seems like all of a sudden I have no idea where my life is going. It could be due to the trouble I faced at work yesterday, when I may just lose my job altogether, or else perhaps I was never satisfied with whatever I am doing in the first place.

Which got me thinking : What is life? How would one know you are at the right direction? One has all the dreams and aspirations and goals, but often than not, in reality, dreams may never come true. I have had my dreams since young, but so far none has really come true.

Is it because my dreams were impossible to attain? People always say live for your dreams, but in the real world, how many people can really have their dreams fulfilled? Most just go on in life doing other things.

I used to be so idealistic. I wanted a job where I can work with music and children, which was why I ended up teaching in the first place. A friend told me that one should give and help to the best of one’s ability, which is why I try to give back, so I ended up helping kids from orphanages or the elderly, giving some time at the SPCA, and sponsoring a poor girl in the Philippines, even giving tuition and teaching music for a few years back in school.

Volunteering and teaching are small, albeit superficial ways, to help out, and they may be just minuscule, but at least that starts somewhere, rather than just totally sitting back and not doing anything.

If I am to be really idealistic, I will want to go places, to war-torn countries, to third-world countries, building shelters and giving food to the kids, treating the sick (if I know how to treat them). If I can find some humanitarian organization that does this, I will not hesitate to go already. Somehow working with children and the less priviledged always seems to be my calling, even now.

I was involved in a religious discussion with a friend last night, and we were both questioning our faith. There are many things in the bible which we accept, but at the same time, there are also many things which are not in the bible, but through the years Vatican City has laid down certain rules about what one can do and what one cannot do. There are also many scientific facts which the Vatican used not to accept.

For instance, when Copernicus first came up with his constellation theory, he did not dare to spread his discoveries, until two centuries later, Galileo told everyone that all along the Sun is the centre of the Universe, and the Earth, Moon and all other planets revolve around it.

It became a scientifically proven fact, yet this was slammed by the Catholic Church in those days for blasphemy since all along somehow religious fanatics through the years viewed God as the centre of everything. Galileo was put under house arrest for that.

Another aspect is masturbation. There is nowhere in the bible that says one cannot masturbate. Pre-marital sex and abortion are not allowed, granted (although in certain circumstances there will always be grey areas), but through the years, it was passed down amongst the Catholics that masturbation is also not allowed, which I believe most people, especially men, will protest, because I guess to men, it is a natural process of release and renewal.

And also family planning. Catholic couples are not allowed to use any form of contraceptives as that is like preventing life from happening. But if there is no family planning, then how? Would things not be more of a mess instead? How many children can one couple really bear and able to bring up properly?

It is not a matter of money in bringing up children, but more of time, energy, devotion and dedication. I used to be so idealistic as I love children, and said I wanted to have five kids, but after seeing how my cousins struggle with just one child, I start to realise that perhaps two to three kids will suffice.

What I am trying to say is that under the Catholic or Christian faith, we are supposed to just take things and follow blindly. Those who are more staunch will frown upon anyone asking questions, because simply, if we believe, then all will be attributed to God.

Well, I believe in God and my faith, I believe in miracles, I believe in prayers, but I also believe in facts. So there is always a conflict, which is why I always end up questioning God.

Obviously, I am not the pious type. Neither am I the staunch and fanatical type. I view religion as important in my life, because religion is to me something to guide me along, having a divine higher being to look up to, especially after such a long journey.

But I am not the type who goes preaching to everyone and anyone, or trying to convert everyone or anyone. I do not even go to church on special occasions like All Saints Day, All Souls Day or Ash Wednesday. The most I do is to go to church every weekend, on Good Friday, Easter and Christmas. The only commitment I show to my faith is prayer, which I have been doing quite a bit lately.

But I realise that prayer does help. When things do not go my way, when I get depressed for no rhyme or reason, when I feel life is not worth living at times, I always found peace in prayer.

Especially nowadays, when late at night, all the world is sleeping, I lay in bed and start thinking and reflecting. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, leaving tears on my pillow. Mostly thinking of things that have happened, and what could have been the outcome.

I was praying the Rosary last night when suddenly, a very vivid image of someone came into my mind. I am not sure if it is just my sub-conscious playing tricks on me, or that it is a message from above, but nevertheless, I prayed for him, with his image in my mind, hoping that he, too, will be able to find his direction in life. I am not sure if my prayers are effective though, or he has a sudden inkling about where to proceed henceforth.

But life is like that. It is never a bed of roses, more of thorns, thistles and brambles. If I really want my way, I will much rather life be like a bed of white lilies – simple and pure. Living a simple life is still the best, rather than the complications of the archtypical human nature.

There are things which we set out to do, goals which we want to fulfil, but at the end of the day, it all boils down to the uncontrollable fate which runs our lives.

Some people go on in life believing they can control their destiny, but no matter how much they try to control, in life everyone’s destiny seems to have been charted from birth, or from a past life (if there ever was one).

I always tell myself to try to take things easy, and be more happy-go-lucky, but when I get really moody and melancholic, I often think the worst. When things I really wish will happen and do not, I start cursing and swearing, and try to fight against a higher being, sometimes with repercussions. When I find that things always don’t seem to go my way, I start being down and depressed, and lose my direction.

Conversations with my mum and cousins I am closer to as well as my best friend always enlighten me in certain ways, because they are more practical and logical people who really think with their heads, and tell me that instead of holding on, I shall just move on and explore other options.

But I still believe in miracles, that what I hope for will come true. I cannot help being so emotional because that is just me, born with a super intensive right-brain instead of being a left-brainer.

So what exactly is life? To date, I have no answer. Different people live their lives differently, so I guess to me, as long as I live my life properly, helping those who really need help and not mess it up, that is all that matters. Other things are but material.