I went to a very inspiring seminar today, exclusively for singles (although there were a few couples), on how to create a healthy and happy relationship. The tips are really useful indeed! The speaker is a motivational and educational speaker in the United States, who gives talks on love, relationship and marriage counselling. The best thing is, it was only S$20.00, for the whole day, inclusive of two tea breaks, lunch, a hotel ballroom, exhibition booths by the various dating / matchmaking agencies and the speaker herself. Really worth it, unlike those more expensive workshops at more dubious venues with no refreshments and a not-as-interesting speaker!
The workshop itself was rather interactive, as whenever she had an example to highlight, she would show us movie clips and real life videos and then asked us to partner up and talk about the clip. Unfortunately, locals, being who they are, are reluctant to participate or interact and talk to anyone they do not know. Two people can sit next to each other and yet not speak a word! There was a guy sitting next to me but he totally ignored me when I was trying to strike up a conversation!
The speaker started off with asking what is the purpose of love? Essentially it is for survival. Apparently, research has shown that those who have love relationships (parents, siblings, friends, couples, etc) are happier and more successful people, because they have someone to share with. It is true, is it not? One gets more motivated to succeed if there is support. Afterall, no man is an island. There is a reason why hermits and recluse are stereotypically bad-tempered, because they do not have anyone to share their happiness and life.
She told us a true story on how when a couple went boating once, a jet ski almost crashed into the boat, narrowly missing the couple just on time. When asked the wife why she did not jump into the water as that would be the most sensible thing, she replied, "Because my husband can't swim." I was like "Awwww...." after hearing that. It is not a matter of dying for the person, but is it not so sweet? That the wife was willing to be there for the husband no matter what happened, instead of escaping on her own.
And that is what mature love is. It is not passionate or touchy-feely like young romantic love, but the commitment and dependability during times of trouble. The speaker said mature love is unspoken - there is no need for "I love you" or "I want to be with you" but rather the actions show more than empty promises. To love is to commit. Commitment gives someone the right to fulfil needs, and the purpose of love is for self-fulfilment. Of course, that is not to say the partner should fulfil each others' needs all the time no matter what, but being committed means to fulfil each other's needs to the best of each other's abilities.
And the very basic of maintaining love? Show interest in the person! Pay attention, remember what each other says. The number one cause of breakup is because the couple grew apart, and the number one reason why they grew apart in the first place was because they were no longer showing interest in each other. Thus, in relationships, attention is important. Attention does not mean pampering or giving in all the time, but the ability to listen, talk, remember and notice. For instance, if she has a new hairstyle, he can show he notices by complimenting it.
Next, she touched on the truth about love. Love is not attraction, chemistry, sexual desire and infatuation. She said the concept of chemistry is a big misunderstanding. People who have "chemistry" with each other may not necessarily be a good match. Chemistry makes one attracted and infatuated, makes one sexually aroused, but that may not equate to love or compatibility. There may be many we have chemistry with, but once we have met enough people, we will then be able to find a compatible match, thus it is very important to go out and socialise and meet as many people as possible!
Sexual arousal is also not love. Precisely! I can never fathom why people always equate sex with love. Only with love then comes sex, is it not, rather than the other way around? Anyone can feel aroused if the other person has a sexy body or triggers off a desire to desire in the brain, but that does not mean one is in love with the person. Lastly, infatuation is not love, although it is often mistaken for love. Infatuation is being interested in the person, and interest is the first sign of chemistry. However, infatuation (or "falling in love") is just a stage of love. Falling in love is easy, but staying in love is hard. Thus, true love only begins when infatuation ends. This does not happen instantaneously but through time.
At this point, we were asked to get into groups and discuss what infatuation meant to us. There was a guy who had never dated before, never liked anyone before, so when we asked him, he did not know how to answer. Actually even if he had never gone out with anyone before, it is rather common sensical right? Just imagine what you will do if you meet someone you like and want to go out with!
She also said men make quick decisions in asking a woman out, but take a longer time to commit. Whereas a woman will not be so hasty to go out with a man, but once she does, she will deem him as "potential" and will be ready to commit. How true!
After this, we had the first tea break. Then she touched on what attracts men and women. Apparently, men are attracted to women's physical appearance (subjective because beauty is in the eyes of the beholder), romance (men do like romance, as they are expected to give romance but yet women do not give back the romance), contribution to the relationship (a woman's capability and earning power) and appreciation. Nothing makes a man feels better than a woman who appreciates him and happy with him. Something in light of what John Gray said!
And what do women want in a relationship? At this point, I noticed the men sitting up straight and paying full attention! Women want a man who is of good character (encompassing dependability, trustworthiness, reliability). In other words, someone who can be depended upon during difficult times and not someone who runs away. Someone who is trustworthy enough to remain faithful and not be embroiled in any extra affairs. Women also want someone who is a good provider (for her and the family), good personality (whether he can show respect to her, elders and peers, supportive), a parent and a partner.
Then she touched on the challenges facing men in relationships. Men tend to have a problem in a monogamous relationship. They have to make it a point to remind themselves that once committed, they have to be faithful to their partners. Men also have a problem listening as when a woman is upset, she will tend to just rave and rant and all she needs is a listening ear, but to men, he will helpfully try to give her some solutions which she will not appreciate. He just needs to be quiet and listen to her and that is all that will make her happy. She does not need solutions unless she specifically asks for help. If she does not, then just lend the ears and shoulders and that will do. Yes, it is that easy! We are really not that hard to please!
Men also have a problem talking. The speaker said men can talk as much as women as long as he feels secure, but he chose not to talk if there is an impending conflict. The reason women talk is because they need to connect through talking. However, men will only talk when there is already a connection. He will not talk for recreation, not like women who can talk about anything and everything. Somehow that is not true as in the case of a certain someone. He talks more, if not as much, as me!
The challenges for women in relationships are communication and connection. As she said, women need to talk to connect. So if the man is not talking, she will feel unconnected and insecure. Women are hypersensitive to isolation, which is why they get fearful whenever the man gets distant. To a man, distance does not mean he does not care for her or not thinking of her, but to a woman, distant may mean he does not think of her as much anymore. It is in the woman's make up.
So, man just have to call or message as and when to reassure the woman he is on the same page as her and alleviate her fears. He does not need to call her every hour or everyday, but if he goes by a week without talking to her, she will feel uncomfortable. So even if he is busy for the week, he has to make the effort to just send her a message asking her how she is, tell her a bit of what he is doing. As long as the woman is assured that he is still talking to her, she will be placated.
Thus, men are hypersensitive to being blamed and criticised, whereas women are hypersensitive to isolation and neglect. In order for a woman to communicate with a man, she should not say words that blame him. Instead, put it in a positive note, like "I will love it if you can wash the dishes tonight", instead of "Why can't you wash the dishes, just once?". Men, on the other hand, can communicate with a woman by putting her heart at ease. For instance, if he is to be caught up in a project that will keep him very busy, he can tell her that he will be rather busy lately so may not contact her that often, but she need not worry because it is because of her that he is motivated to work.
The speaker also gave us a chart on men's and women's brains. In a man's brain, all the functions are boxed out specifically. Sports, work, sex, money. provide, family, children. If he is doing one of those, he can only be focused on one, and will not be attentive to anything else. There is even a box filled with nothing as men tend to just think of nothing at times. A woman's brain is more complicated. It is a mass of mess, with everything inter-connected. Children, family, money, provide, housework. Everything is linked.
Thus when a woman is doing housework, she can suddenly remember that her children has not had their meals so will go cook, then while she is cooking, she will suddenly realise that the dining table has not been cleaned so will go and clean it, and so on. Which is why women can multi-task, because she can think of everything at one time, instead of just focusing on one thing like a man. Therefore, in order to improve any relationship without talking, men and women have to respect and understand the differences between the two genders!
We breaked for lunch after that. After lunch, the speaker touched on dating versus mating. She talked about soulmates and what women want on dates. In most cases, women want a man who is generous within his means. Most women who were asked stated that they would still like a man to pay for them, not for everything, but the dinner, then she will offer to pay for drinks later. And men should always see a girl home, whether he drives or not. Also, women do not need expensive gifts or flowers all the time, but will appreciate little surprises. But if they have to tell a man what they want, then that will not be a surprise anymore!
Okay, men cannot really read what is in a girl's mind, but it is true we do not need to go high class all the time or that men have to spend hours preparing a nice dinner. Sometimes just a call to say "I love you", or a surprise pick up from work, or a casual night out spontaneously will do. Essentially, women just want to feel valued and loved by the man, instead of the man just providing for the family and talking about bills and kids, and not doing anything for her.
The speaker then touched on soulmates. She said soulmates are not to be found instantly, only through time and if both can maintain the love. Many people make the mistake of thinking the person is the soulmate after just weeks or months, but that would be still the infatuation stage, and at this stage, the partner is definitely good in every aspect. Only after years and you realise the person is your soulmate then that is the real feeling.
How to determine soulmates? First, there is a presence, as in attention, interest, being attuned to each other, remember things said. Second, understanding. Like for example, he understands that she gets very irritated when he disturbs her while she is watching a sappy show, so he leaves her alone until after the show, even if he does not watch with her. Third, responds congruently out of the understanding. For instance, if she is allergic to seafood, then he will not bring her to a seafood restaurant or ask her to eat seafood knowing her allergies.
In other words, like what John Gray said, soulmates bring out the best in each other. Love is the wish to make the other person happy. One can only determine one is truly in love if the other person's happiness means everything to you. And the biggest resistance to love is not having the courage to let someone love you. Very true!
We had another tea break, then she touched on the last part of the seminar - Is marriage worth it? She said the four bad habits of marriage are : Criticism, Defensiveness, Withdrawal and Contempt. It goes a full circle. If the partner is critical, the natural reaction to criticism is defensiveness. Then to avoid further conflict, there will be withdrawal. As a result, communication breaks down and there will be contempt. That is the road to disaster.
Why is marriage so important? Marriage is the highest form of commitment from anyone. A committed relationship makes us a better person, because we learn how to adapt to each other, how to live with someone else, how to take the person as he / she is, how to accept all the shortcomings of the person. Many people are unwilling to commit so they do not need to learn how to adapt to another person. In other words, marriage is one's last best chance to really grow up, as it requires responsibility, reinforces commitment and fosters maturity. One must be able to handle things as a couple before the marriage can work instead of focusing on self.
There are queries on what about cohabitation? The speaker herself said if people are cohabiting because they are getting married, then it is still okay. However, if people are cohabiting in lieu of marriage, then there will be negative effects on self, relationship and whatever children that comes. Sliding into marriage is also not a good idea, because one is getting married just for the sake of getting married. In other words, get married only when one is fully prepared to commit!
The last part is on forgiveness and affairs. Those who have affairs are those who do not respect marriage. People can love more than one person, but can only be infatuated with one person at one time. However, if one is already married, then you make a commitment to be truthful and faithful to just one person. Imagine the hurt your partner will feel. But love is about forgiveness, so if the partner comes begging for your forgiveness, then do forgive.
At the same time, the partner can do the following things if the trust is already broken. First, cut off all contact with the third party. There is a question of how long, but the speaker said should be forever. Second, give whatever information and details of the affair to the partner to ensure openness. Not willing to talk about it will only show that you have something to hide. Third, show real remorse. Fourth, build up the trust again. This will be difficult and time-consuming, but just have to keep trying. Tell the partner what you want to do, ensure you do it, and keep at it until things are better and you are truly forgiven. Last but not least, forgive each other - the one who broke the trust and the one who was hurt.
The speaker also said forgiveness is only for one time, because a repeat offender means he / she will never change, thus no point forgiving the person again and again. Which means trust, if broken, is hard to build up again, but once it has been built up, ensure that there is no more mistakes! The speaker than ended off by saying that we are all looking for happiness, but happiness does not come from others but ourselves. So, we have to love ourselves first before we can love others and vice versa!
All in all, it is a very useful and enriching session. I really hope she comes again! I truly recommend anyone who wants to improve on relationships to go to her talk!
The workshop itself was rather interactive, as whenever she had an example to highlight, she would show us movie clips and real life videos and then asked us to partner up and talk about the clip. Unfortunately, locals, being who they are, are reluctant to participate or interact and talk to anyone they do not know. Two people can sit next to each other and yet not speak a word! There was a guy sitting next to me but he totally ignored me when I was trying to strike up a conversation!
The speaker started off with asking what is the purpose of love? Essentially it is for survival. Apparently, research has shown that those who have love relationships (parents, siblings, friends, couples, etc) are happier and more successful people, because they have someone to share with. It is true, is it not? One gets more motivated to succeed if there is support. Afterall, no man is an island. There is a reason why hermits and recluse are stereotypically bad-tempered, because they do not have anyone to share their happiness and life.
She told us a true story on how when a couple went boating once, a jet ski almost crashed into the boat, narrowly missing the couple just on time. When asked the wife why she did not jump into the water as that would be the most sensible thing, she replied, "Because my husband can't swim." I was like "Awwww...." after hearing that. It is not a matter of dying for the person, but is it not so sweet? That the wife was willing to be there for the husband no matter what happened, instead of escaping on her own.
And that is what mature love is. It is not passionate or touchy-feely like young romantic love, but the commitment and dependability during times of trouble. The speaker said mature love is unspoken - there is no need for "I love you" or "I want to be with you" but rather the actions show more than empty promises. To love is to commit. Commitment gives someone the right to fulfil needs, and the purpose of love is for self-fulfilment. Of course, that is not to say the partner should fulfil each others' needs all the time no matter what, but being committed means to fulfil each other's needs to the best of each other's abilities.
And the very basic of maintaining love? Show interest in the person! Pay attention, remember what each other says. The number one cause of breakup is because the couple grew apart, and the number one reason why they grew apart in the first place was because they were no longer showing interest in each other. Thus, in relationships, attention is important. Attention does not mean pampering or giving in all the time, but the ability to listen, talk, remember and notice. For instance, if she has a new hairstyle, he can show he notices by complimenting it.
Next, she touched on the truth about love. Love is not attraction, chemistry, sexual desire and infatuation. She said the concept of chemistry is a big misunderstanding. People who have "chemistry" with each other may not necessarily be a good match. Chemistry makes one attracted and infatuated, makes one sexually aroused, but that may not equate to love or compatibility. There may be many we have chemistry with, but once we have met enough people, we will then be able to find a compatible match, thus it is very important to go out and socialise and meet as many people as possible!
Sexual arousal is also not love. Precisely! I can never fathom why people always equate sex with love. Only with love then comes sex, is it not, rather than the other way around? Anyone can feel aroused if the other person has a sexy body or triggers off a desire to desire in the brain, but that does not mean one is in love with the person. Lastly, infatuation is not love, although it is often mistaken for love. Infatuation is being interested in the person, and interest is the first sign of chemistry. However, infatuation (or "falling in love") is just a stage of love. Falling in love is easy, but staying in love is hard. Thus, true love only begins when infatuation ends. This does not happen instantaneously but through time.
At this point, we were asked to get into groups and discuss what infatuation meant to us. There was a guy who had never dated before, never liked anyone before, so when we asked him, he did not know how to answer. Actually even if he had never gone out with anyone before, it is rather common sensical right? Just imagine what you will do if you meet someone you like and want to go out with!
She also said men make quick decisions in asking a woman out, but take a longer time to commit. Whereas a woman will not be so hasty to go out with a man, but once she does, she will deem him as "potential" and will be ready to commit. How true!
After this, we had the first tea break. Then she touched on what attracts men and women. Apparently, men are attracted to women's physical appearance (subjective because beauty is in the eyes of the beholder), romance (men do like romance, as they are expected to give romance but yet women do not give back the romance), contribution to the relationship (a woman's capability and earning power) and appreciation. Nothing makes a man feels better than a woman who appreciates him and happy with him. Something in light of what John Gray said!
And what do women want in a relationship? At this point, I noticed the men sitting up straight and paying full attention! Women want a man who is of good character (encompassing dependability, trustworthiness, reliability). In other words, someone who can be depended upon during difficult times and not someone who runs away. Someone who is trustworthy enough to remain faithful and not be embroiled in any extra affairs. Women also want someone who is a good provider (for her and the family), good personality (whether he can show respect to her, elders and peers, supportive), a parent and a partner.
Then she touched on the challenges facing men in relationships. Men tend to have a problem in a monogamous relationship. They have to make it a point to remind themselves that once committed, they have to be faithful to their partners. Men also have a problem listening as when a woman is upset, she will tend to just rave and rant and all she needs is a listening ear, but to men, he will helpfully try to give her some solutions which she will not appreciate. He just needs to be quiet and listen to her and that is all that will make her happy. She does not need solutions unless she specifically asks for help. If she does not, then just lend the ears and shoulders and that will do. Yes, it is that easy! We are really not that hard to please!
Men also have a problem talking. The speaker said men can talk as much as women as long as he feels secure, but he chose not to talk if there is an impending conflict. The reason women talk is because they need to connect through talking. However, men will only talk when there is already a connection. He will not talk for recreation, not like women who can talk about anything and everything. Somehow that is not true as in the case of a certain someone. He talks more, if not as much, as me!
The challenges for women in relationships are communication and connection. As she said, women need to talk to connect. So if the man is not talking, she will feel unconnected and insecure. Women are hypersensitive to isolation, which is why they get fearful whenever the man gets distant. To a man, distance does not mean he does not care for her or not thinking of her, but to a woman, distant may mean he does not think of her as much anymore. It is in the woman's make up.
So, man just have to call or message as and when to reassure the woman he is on the same page as her and alleviate her fears. He does not need to call her every hour or everyday, but if he goes by a week without talking to her, she will feel uncomfortable. So even if he is busy for the week, he has to make the effort to just send her a message asking her how she is, tell her a bit of what he is doing. As long as the woman is assured that he is still talking to her, she will be placated.
Thus, men are hypersensitive to being blamed and criticised, whereas women are hypersensitive to isolation and neglect. In order for a woman to communicate with a man, she should not say words that blame him. Instead, put it in a positive note, like "I will love it if you can wash the dishes tonight", instead of "Why can't you wash the dishes, just once?". Men, on the other hand, can communicate with a woman by putting her heart at ease. For instance, if he is to be caught up in a project that will keep him very busy, he can tell her that he will be rather busy lately so may not contact her that often, but she need not worry because it is because of her that he is motivated to work.
The speaker also gave us a chart on men's and women's brains. In a man's brain, all the functions are boxed out specifically. Sports, work, sex, money. provide, family, children. If he is doing one of those, he can only be focused on one, and will not be attentive to anything else. There is even a box filled with nothing as men tend to just think of nothing at times. A woman's brain is more complicated. It is a mass of mess, with everything inter-connected. Children, family, money, provide, housework. Everything is linked.
Thus when a woman is doing housework, she can suddenly remember that her children has not had their meals so will go cook, then while she is cooking, she will suddenly realise that the dining table has not been cleaned so will go and clean it, and so on. Which is why women can multi-task, because she can think of everything at one time, instead of just focusing on one thing like a man. Therefore, in order to improve any relationship without talking, men and women have to respect and understand the differences between the two genders!
We breaked for lunch after that. After lunch, the speaker touched on dating versus mating. She talked about soulmates and what women want on dates. In most cases, women want a man who is generous within his means. Most women who were asked stated that they would still like a man to pay for them, not for everything, but the dinner, then she will offer to pay for drinks later. And men should always see a girl home, whether he drives or not. Also, women do not need expensive gifts or flowers all the time, but will appreciate little surprises. But if they have to tell a man what they want, then that will not be a surprise anymore!
Okay, men cannot really read what is in a girl's mind, but it is true we do not need to go high class all the time or that men have to spend hours preparing a nice dinner. Sometimes just a call to say "I love you", or a surprise pick up from work, or a casual night out spontaneously will do. Essentially, women just want to feel valued and loved by the man, instead of the man just providing for the family and talking about bills and kids, and not doing anything for her.
The speaker then touched on soulmates. She said soulmates are not to be found instantly, only through time and if both can maintain the love. Many people make the mistake of thinking the person is the soulmate after just weeks or months, but that would be still the infatuation stage, and at this stage, the partner is definitely good in every aspect. Only after years and you realise the person is your soulmate then that is the real feeling.
How to determine soulmates? First, there is a presence, as in attention, interest, being attuned to each other, remember things said. Second, understanding. Like for example, he understands that she gets very irritated when he disturbs her while she is watching a sappy show, so he leaves her alone until after the show, even if he does not watch with her. Third, responds congruently out of the understanding. For instance, if she is allergic to seafood, then he will not bring her to a seafood restaurant or ask her to eat seafood knowing her allergies.
In other words, like what John Gray said, soulmates bring out the best in each other. Love is the wish to make the other person happy. One can only determine one is truly in love if the other person's happiness means everything to you. And the biggest resistance to love is not having the courage to let someone love you. Very true!
We had another tea break, then she touched on the last part of the seminar - Is marriage worth it? She said the four bad habits of marriage are : Criticism, Defensiveness, Withdrawal and Contempt. It goes a full circle. If the partner is critical, the natural reaction to criticism is defensiveness. Then to avoid further conflict, there will be withdrawal. As a result, communication breaks down and there will be contempt. That is the road to disaster.
Why is marriage so important? Marriage is the highest form of commitment from anyone. A committed relationship makes us a better person, because we learn how to adapt to each other, how to live with someone else, how to take the person as he / she is, how to accept all the shortcomings of the person. Many people are unwilling to commit so they do not need to learn how to adapt to another person. In other words, marriage is one's last best chance to really grow up, as it requires responsibility, reinforces commitment and fosters maturity. One must be able to handle things as a couple before the marriage can work instead of focusing on self.
There are queries on what about cohabitation? The speaker herself said if people are cohabiting because they are getting married, then it is still okay. However, if people are cohabiting in lieu of marriage, then there will be negative effects on self, relationship and whatever children that comes. Sliding into marriage is also not a good idea, because one is getting married just for the sake of getting married. In other words, get married only when one is fully prepared to commit!
The last part is on forgiveness and affairs. Those who have affairs are those who do not respect marriage. People can love more than one person, but can only be infatuated with one person at one time. However, if one is already married, then you make a commitment to be truthful and faithful to just one person. Imagine the hurt your partner will feel. But love is about forgiveness, so if the partner comes begging for your forgiveness, then do forgive.
At the same time, the partner can do the following things if the trust is already broken. First, cut off all contact with the third party. There is a question of how long, but the speaker said should be forever. Second, give whatever information and details of the affair to the partner to ensure openness. Not willing to talk about it will only show that you have something to hide. Third, show real remorse. Fourth, build up the trust again. This will be difficult and time-consuming, but just have to keep trying. Tell the partner what you want to do, ensure you do it, and keep at it until things are better and you are truly forgiven. Last but not least, forgive each other - the one who broke the trust and the one who was hurt.
The speaker also said forgiveness is only for one time, because a repeat offender means he / she will never change, thus no point forgiving the person again and again. Which means trust, if broken, is hard to build up again, but once it has been built up, ensure that there is no more mistakes! The speaker than ended off by saying that we are all looking for happiness, but happiness does not come from others but ourselves. So, we have to love ourselves first before we can love others and vice versa!
All in all, it is a very useful and enriching session. I really hope she comes again! I truly recommend anyone who wants to improve on relationships to go to her talk!
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Marriage is important for everyone.. If you want to learn more visit How To Attract Women With Body Language?!
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