Sometimes I wish I can block out certain parts of my memory, especially during the ages of 18 - 24. To be precise, just block out the memory of a certain person, so he can cease to exist in my mind.
My parents were bringing us out for ice cream on Sunday night. They drove past a certain neighbourhood, which happens to be where he is staying. When we went by the exact place, I could not help it but looked right into his window.
Just as well that he is staying on the first floor, so it makes it easier to see. The entire flat was dark. The exterior of the place, the gate, the door, the crucifix, the portrait of Mary, the window grilles all look the same, no change at all.
The thing is, the moment my dad drove into that area, I already felt funny. I knew we were going to go past his place, and I told myself not to look, but in the end I could not help looking. I can still remember every inch of his room, what his bed looks like, his cupboard, where he keep his things. His mini-television and his PlayStation.
Not just his room, his entire flat. Where his fridge is located, the small white board in his kitchen where my home and pager (later mobile) numbers also used to be displayed. His brother's room where the computer and study table is, where we used to study together.
His home address, e-mail, home phone and mobile numbers, even his old pager number, and his birth date is still ingrained in my brain. So even if I delete everything off from my database, it is of no use because my brain still remembers.
Just why am I doing this? I have no idea as well. Why do I need to torture myself remembering all these when clearly someone does not even remember my birthday, e-mail address, home address or phone number? When that someone could just mercilessly kicked me out of his life just like that? When that someone probably did not even remember what I look like?
The thing is if I never forget, probably I will never forgive too. Then I will never be able to let go completely. And no matter how I tell my guy I love him and am totally devoted to him, how can I be fair to him if the ghost of my past still haunts me?
And it is not as if I still love him. All my love and devotion is now channelled to my darling. I never know I am capable of feeling so strongly for someone after him, but my darling achieved that for me.
Now my feelings for this person are one of bitterness, of hate, of irritation. Which is why I hope to be able to block out this part of my memory. Take it that he never existed as far as I am concerned.
Anyway, my parents brought us to Swensens for ice cream. I wanted to go Ben & Jerry's, but a pity there is no outlet near our house. I took the Sticky Chewy Chocolate. A sign that I am getting back to normal - my craving for chocolate is stronger than before.
I can see my parents looking relieved when I started eating chocolate again. Come to think of it, my mum grumbled when I ate chocolate, and she grumbled when I stopped eating chocolate. Just how am I to please her?
My parents were bringing us out for ice cream on Sunday night. They drove past a certain neighbourhood, which happens to be where he is staying. When we went by the exact place, I could not help it but looked right into his window.
Just as well that he is staying on the first floor, so it makes it easier to see. The entire flat was dark. The exterior of the place, the gate, the door, the crucifix, the portrait of Mary, the window grilles all look the same, no change at all.
The thing is, the moment my dad drove into that area, I already felt funny. I knew we were going to go past his place, and I told myself not to look, but in the end I could not help looking. I can still remember every inch of his room, what his bed looks like, his cupboard, where he keep his things. His mini-television and his PlayStation.
Not just his room, his entire flat. Where his fridge is located, the small white board in his kitchen where my home and pager (later mobile) numbers also used to be displayed. His brother's room where the computer and study table is, where we used to study together.
His home address, e-mail, home phone and mobile numbers, even his old pager number, and his birth date is still ingrained in my brain. So even if I delete everything off from my database, it is of no use because my brain still remembers.
Just why am I doing this? I have no idea as well. Why do I need to torture myself remembering all these when clearly someone does not even remember my birthday, e-mail address, home address or phone number? When that someone could just mercilessly kicked me out of his life just like that? When that someone probably did not even remember what I look like?
The thing is if I never forget, probably I will never forgive too. Then I will never be able to let go completely. And no matter how I tell my guy I love him and am totally devoted to him, how can I be fair to him if the ghost of my past still haunts me?
And it is not as if I still love him. All my love and devotion is now channelled to my darling. I never know I am capable of feeling so strongly for someone after him, but my darling achieved that for me.
Now my feelings for this person are one of bitterness, of hate, of irritation. Which is why I hope to be able to block out this part of my memory. Take it that he never existed as far as I am concerned.
Anyway, my parents brought us to Swensens for ice cream. I wanted to go Ben & Jerry's, but a pity there is no outlet near our house. I took the Sticky Chewy Chocolate. A sign that I am getting back to normal - my craving for chocolate is stronger than before.
I can see my parents looking relieved when I started eating chocolate again. Come to think of it, my mum grumbled when I ate chocolate, and she grumbled when I stopped eating chocolate. Just how am I to please her?
0 comments:
Post a Comment