Self-Reflections ....

I was doing some self-reflection and started to think whether do people truly like me or take me at face value, ie like me for who I am instead of what I can do.

I have come across lots of people who befriended me as they thought I could be valuable to them. Like my first ex, he wanted me to do his work for him. Some fair-weather friends who called me for help but totally forgot about me when they did not need help, and worse, totally avoided me when I needed help.

That cheapskate fellow who took me for a ride. Some other guys who befriended me just so they thought I could bed them.

I envy those people who are so well-liked by everyone. It is like whatever they do, whatever they say, nothing is ever wrong. Everyone will support them and spur them on. When they get into trouble, everyone will help them without hesitation. They get so many suitors at any one time.

These are the lucky ones who are born to be popular. For every lucky fellow, there will be an unlucky one, perhaps someone like me. Someone who live life trying to make others like her, but in the end failed. Someone who live her life trying to gain acceptance, to gain support, trying to find love, but was disappointed time and time again (except for now).

So maybe I should change. Maybe I should be louder, be more outspoken (actually I am already rather outspoken), be more liberal (in terms of my family, I am very wild and liberal already), speak "lian" and start spouting some uncouth words, behave in a slutty manner. Perhaps this is how I can finally "fit in".

Perhaps I should suck up to people more, I should be so hypocritical and say nice things about my parents like my brother (then he turns around and complains about them). But that is just not me.

I can never be someone hypocritical. I tell things like they are. If I am happy, I am happy. If I am unhappy, I am unhappy. Why must I pretend to be something I am not? If I do not like how someone functions, I say it. I do not believe in telling people all the good stuff they like to hear, then turn around and stab them in the back.

I can never be someone who sleeps around. The thought of even touching someone I have no feelings for totally disgusts me. I can never be someone who spouts vulgarities because this is not what I like.

And I can never be someone who turns others down in distress, because I am too soft-hearted. As much as I like to be bitchy and cruel, I simply cannot, whch explains why I keep getting taken advantage of.

When I started blogging, I did not know whether I would have any readers. But now I have my own pool of regular readers and friends who are really nice people. But as I told my dear, do my friends and readers indicate how much they like me, or do they come in because they like my writing, or do they come in simply because they care and want to find out what is happening?

If people come in because of all three reasons (or even any one), then I am really grateful that people can and do accept me for what I am and what I am like. Will there come a day when someone tells me I inspire him / her because of what I write? Will there come a day when someone tells me once he / she started reading my blog, he / she has never regretted it and loves every minute?

Obviously, judging from some comments I received, not everyone likes what I write. Which is fine. As long as I have just one or two readers who like what I write, that will be enough for me. And for now, I believe I have quite a few.

But at times I wonder, will my friends start to go away because after a while, they find I am not that worth it anymore? In which case, do I really need to change to suit others? Do I have to dwell on topics which others find more interesting, rather than the boring mundane trivial of my existence?

Many times, I am tempted to shut down my blog. My mum scolded me because of blogging. She asked me why can I not keep a diary and mark it private and confidential, instead of "showing off in cyberspace when it is not as if I am any sort of celebrity"?

And when I see negative remarks by cowards, I get down, and start to think if everything is worth it. But like what my dear said, in cyberspace, be prepared that anyone can have access, so there will be inevitable that some jokers will drop by.

So why do I need to shut down because of a few anonymous cowards? Whatever they say is their own freedom. I blog because I love it not because of anything else, because it is part of me, because I never know how to get by my depression if I did not blast out how I felt.

When I think of the times people asked me to change to suit them, I started to laugh at myself for being stupid. Like in secondary school, to be part of the "in" crowd, I must behave in a certain way. I must be boy-crazy and shallow, caring for nothing except how to hook guys and the latest fashions.

Studying and being an obedient law-abiding pupil was uncool, and these are the types that got picked on often by those "in" crowd. But it was worth it not changing. In the end, who got good enough results to go further and who almost failed out of school?

My first ex even went as far as to threaten my mum that if she did not change her upbringing of me, and if I did not change to who he liked, he would leave me. Needless to say, I got blasted off for that.

My third ex also told me once that he was not going to change as he is who he is. If I wanted to remain together with him, I must change to suit him. I almost did, actually, but I could not. Asking me to be what I am not is simply too difficult for me.

Which is why I am thankful that my guy takes me for who I am. With him, I have no pressure to conform. I can be who I like, do what I like. I do not need to cater to what he wants. And that is happiness, because if a person is willing to take you as a whole, warts and all, then that is the most blessed thing that can happen to anyone.

But at times I still wonder just exactly how well-liked I am? Will I be well-liked enough to make an impact on people's lives? For instance, let's say my days are numbered and I only have, say, a month to live.

Will people I know and who knows me help make my last days as happy as possible, or will I be left alone and made to die alone? Or worse, will people be nice to me because they hope I leave them something after I am gone? Or ask me to leave them something valuable once I breathe my last?

Perhaps I can only say I am successful in having true friends is when people are genuinely sad I am gone, and all have something nice to say at my wake. Like my late music teacher, she really made an impact in other's lives, not just me, but her own family and friends as well.