Sumiko Tan has done it again! Another thought-provoking article in the Sunday Life! I seem to be addicted to this bi-weekly (fortnightly?) print blog of hers. I never fail to read every article she writes! In fact, I get some of my own inspiration from her articles!
Last Sunday's article was on the end of a long friendship. Her friend and her argued over some trivial matters, which resulted in some nasty messages bouncing back and forth, and then they stopped talking to each other. She said that now she is of this age, she no longer bothers to be the first to make peace, as afterall, she does not need to base her happiness on other's approvals.
However, when she was in her twenties, she would be worried over any disagreement. She would seek company, tried her best to please, ensured nothing would go out of favour with anyone, and essentially did whatever she could to avoid any conflict. If there was any displeasure on anyone's part, she would be the first to apologise as she felt that her friends' needs were more important, so as long as her friends were happy, she was happy too.
This is exactly how I am feeling! I am not saying that my friends' needs are not important. I do agree that as long as they are happy, that is all that matters. What I am trying to say is that I can relate to what she said, as sometimes, you can do so much, but things are just beyond your control. If people are unappreciative, so be it, why must we eat the humble pie and apologise if we have not done anything wrong?
She said in her article that she came to realise that people whom she "offended" with no rhyme or reason would not care how miserable she felt, would not even care if she apologised, so why must she be the one to give in? She also said that if they could switch attitudes just like that, then they probably did not value the friendship in the first place.
How true! I think I am like how she was like in the past. Last year, when a certain someone "disappeared" on me, ie no responses to my messages, no replies to emails, I sent an apology email offering to treat a meal, but still no reply. I started racking my brains wondering how in the world I ever offended this person, but tried as I might, I had no idea.
If it was because of something I did which this person did not approve of, I had apologised. And anyway, whatever I did only affected myself, it did not affect anyone else for that matter. So if it was not something I did, then what? Why would people suddenly disappear for no rhyme or reason?
I am not even talking about my ex here. He disappeared because he wanted to avoid a messy breakup, but this "friend" just disappeared for no reason. I sent a birthday e-card, but it was unopened. I emailed and messaged several times, but no reply at all.
Till now, I cannot understand why would anyone behave this way? Even if there was something I did that this person disapproved of, or got offended in some way, would it not be more fair to just sit down and trash out everything? Even if this person really felt that I am no longer worthy to be a friend, can this person not just tell me straight, instead of not doing anything, not saying anything, and making me more confused than before?
My cousin had a similar experience. She used to have a close friend. Then when she (my cousin) hooked up with her then-boyfriend (who is now her ex-husband), her friend suddenly avoided her altogether. Messages and emails went unanswered, calls to her were cut off or reluctantly answered. My cousin tried to be friendly and continued calling her, but the "friend" became more and more distant until in the end they just stopped contacting each other. Up to now, my cousin was also still bewildered why her friend suddenly started behaving this way.
Thus the article came just at the right time. After reading it, I found that there are people who can just disappear on us, be it friends or lovers. And it is beyond anyone's control because the fault often does not lie on us. People just chose to "disappear", even if we have not done anything wrong. In a way, it is a good thing because at least, we know the person's true colours. Then we can stop trying to please those who are not worthy and concentrate on people who are worthy.
Last Sunday's article was on the end of a long friendship. Her friend and her argued over some trivial matters, which resulted in some nasty messages bouncing back and forth, and then they stopped talking to each other. She said that now she is of this age, she no longer bothers to be the first to make peace, as afterall, she does not need to base her happiness on other's approvals.
However, when she was in her twenties, she would be worried over any disagreement. She would seek company, tried her best to please, ensured nothing would go out of favour with anyone, and essentially did whatever she could to avoid any conflict. If there was any displeasure on anyone's part, she would be the first to apologise as she felt that her friends' needs were more important, so as long as her friends were happy, she was happy too.
This is exactly how I am feeling! I am not saying that my friends' needs are not important. I do agree that as long as they are happy, that is all that matters. What I am trying to say is that I can relate to what she said, as sometimes, you can do so much, but things are just beyond your control. If people are unappreciative, so be it, why must we eat the humble pie and apologise if we have not done anything wrong?
She said in her article that she came to realise that people whom she "offended" with no rhyme or reason would not care how miserable she felt, would not even care if she apologised, so why must she be the one to give in? She also said that if they could switch attitudes just like that, then they probably did not value the friendship in the first place.
How true! I think I am like how she was like in the past. Last year, when a certain someone "disappeared" on me, ie no responses to my messages, no replies to emails, I sent an apology email offering to treat a meal, but still no reply. I started racking my brains wondering how in the world I ever offended this person, but tried as I might, I had no idea.
If it was because of something I did which this person did not approve of, I had apologised. And anyway, whatever I did only affected myself, it did not affect anyone else for that matter. So if it was not something I did, then what? Why would people suddenly disappear for no rhyme or reason?
I am not even talking about my ex here. He disappeared because he wanted to avoid a messy breakup, but this "friend" just disappeared for no reason. I sent a birthday e-card, but it was unopened. I emailed and messaged several times, but no reply at all.
Till now, I cannot understand why would anyone behave this way? Even if there was something I did that this person disapproved of, or got offended in some way, would it not be more fair to just sit down and trash out everything? Even if this person really felt that I am no longer worthy to be a friend, can this person not just tell me straight, instead of not doing anything, not saying anything, and making me more confused than before?
My cousin had a similar experience. She used to have a close friend. Then when she (my cousin) hooked up with her then-boyfriend (who is now her ex-husband), her friend suddenly avoided her altogether. Messages and emails went unanswered, calls to her were cut off or reluctantly answered. My cousin tried to be friendly and continued calling her, but the "friend" became more and more distant until in the end they just stopped contacting each other. Up to now, my cousin was also still bewildered why her friend suddenly started behaving this way.
Thus the article came just at the right time. After reading it, I found that there are people who can just disappear on us, be it friends or lovers. And it is beyond anyone's control because the fault often does not lie on us. People just chose to "disappear", even if we have not done anything wrong. In a way, it is a good thing because at least, we know the person's true colours. Then we can stop trying to please those who are not worthy and concentrate on people who are worthy.
3 comments:
While I am careful to avoid offending people, I have never felt the need to seek their approval (but let's be honest, it is always nice to have to have the approval and admiration of others).
When I was in my teen years, I would often go to movies by myself because I failed to persuade other friends to go. Mostly, I think, it was because I tend to ask at the last minute, rather than a few days in advance. Of course, it might also have been my choice of movies.
However, sometimes I feel I give far more in friendships than is returned to me. Of course, this might be because of differences I have with most people - I have a very small family base (growing up it was just me, my 2 siblings and my parents - there was no extended family at all), whereas others often had larger social / family networks - so friendships may not have been as important to them.
Losing erratic / irrational friends is no great loss. Finding people who appreciate you is hard.
I'm like you, tend to give far more in friendship than others, so much so that at times, I get really hurt by people's actions, especially those I consider as real friends. But I have learnt that not everyone has the same views, so I am learning not to be too upset over the loss of a "friend", but rather, stick with those who can appreciate who I am.
But it is hard, especially if you dwell on how you give more than you receive.
Letting friends fade away is a difficult thing for me. Mind you, I am not tit-for-tat where I won't call somebody because it is their turn to call me.
But, let's face it, at some point one begins to notice the deficit, especially if your down and wouldn't mind someone else taking that little extra effort towards you.
As I implied at the start, it is best not to dwell on it.
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