Ranting Of Emotions

I was rather upset last night, no idea why. I was tossing and turning in bed trying to sort out some issues. Times like these, I wish I have a soul mate to confide in. Whatever close friends and potential dates I have, we still have not reached that stage yet. I do confide in some people, I do rant when I am frustrated, but still, I do not confide my deepest feelings and emotions unless we are in a relationship.

So why was I upset? Maybe it was to do with something my mum said to me recently, on something my brother did, and she started raving and blaming all of us on why she must bail us out each time we run into trouble? I do not mean to be blunt, and I may be sounding really ungrateful, but then if in times of need we do not turn to our parents, who else may we turn to?

There are parents I know who will go all out to help their kids no matter what happen, which can be bad in some ways too. Yet my parents are not the kind who will help us out willingly. They will help if we ask (even if we do not ask) but after that, they will start griping and raving on how we take them for granted, etc. I am not saying we should take our parents for granted. I do not condone people who just keep getting themselves into trouble by behaving irresponsibly, thinking they can always count on their parents to help them. That is simply wrong. But at times, people do get into trouble unintentionally, some more than others. So if we cannot turn to our parents, who else can we then turn to?

The thing is, if they are not willing to help then do not do it! We can always get lost and find our way out ourselves, even in desperate times, either sink or swim. If they help, then why still rave and gripe and make us feel even more miserable than we already are? We are already feeling guilty and sad over the unintentional mistake, and trying ways and means to rectify but certain things are simply not within our control! It is precisely because we are desperate and have no one else to turn to, which is why we turn to them at the last resort! So why not help graciously instead of digging up the past and giving us a guilt trip?

I am not saying they cannot get angry. I know some of our actions can shorten their lives by a few years. In the past whenever I had problems, I would turn to my friends for a listening ear or action. In any case, most of the time I solve my own problems. My friends used to ask me why not let my parents know, but they do not know my parents. Others can turn to their parents the moment they get into trouble, but not us. If my parents are anymore helpful, I will not hesitate already. It is precisely I know how my parents are like, which is why I am so reluctant to tell them everything.

Maybe I do have a character flaw. Maybe that is why no guy dares to approach me. At least that is how my mum views it. The thing is there are guys who like me, except I do not like them. And there have been guys whom I liked except they did not like me. Which is why I am in this state. As for character flaws, who is perfect? Everyone will have some flaws here and there. So why must she judge me?

My mum thinks I am materialistic, which is why I frighten the guys away. Okay, I do enjoy life, but that does not mean I go high class all the way. And I do not live off guys! Neither do I ask guys to buy expensive things for me, or shop all the way with them! Whatever gifts and treats I got, they did it out of their own free will, I did not ask anything from them! I do not show off how much cash I have, in fact I have hardly any to speak of.

The only thing I do say is which area I stay in and what kind of house I live in, but that is the truth. Am I supposed to lie about that? To her, she thinks because I said that so guys may get the impression I am high maintenance and thus not willing to continue dating me. Well, if the guy is so shallow, then I do not want to continue dating him as well!

She can ask any of my previous guys and see whether I live off them or make them buy me expensive gifts or spend their money! I have friends where the guys buy them branded products all the time and even give them money to spend, even if they are earning their own keep! No guy has even done that for me and I never expected any guy to do that for me! Whatever I want, I can get it myself, so is there anything wrong spending my own hard-earned money?

She brought up something that happened in primary school. When I was in Primary Six, I was free after the School Leaving examinations, so I hung out with my godbrother and his friends more often until they finished their examinations. My birthday happened to be around that time. So my godbrother, out of kindness, wanted to throw me a birthday party. There was no where else to go then so he decided to hold it in his school.

Since he was so kind, I thought it would be better to prepare some things for them. In those days, kids having birthdays would always distribute sweets to their friends, so I bought a few sweets, wrapped them up and thought of distributing to them. To make things official, I wrote a note to those involved and told them I wanted to meet them at the venue and the time stated and that they would receive something from me. But I never once said I was holding a party.

Then when I went there, they threw me a party, which I could never forget. They even gave me gifts, which I felt bad to accept but they insisted. When I brought the gifts home, my mum threw a fit and asked me how could I ask people to buy things for me, when they gave me out of their own free will and I never once said a single thing?

So she called the principal and asked him to speak to the kids and asked them to take back the gifts. Because of that, I also had to return the gifts to my classmates who gave me, as it would be unfair if I gave back the gifts of my godbrother and his friends and not my classmates. It was not the gifts that matter, but it was a sweet gesture from them which was why I accepted. And now having to give them back everything just felt as if I was not being grateful to them.

The reason my godbrother wanted to throw me the party was because I took care of him often and would bring him home sometimes. Not just him, but his friends as well. Plus I would be going to secondary school, so who knew when I could visit them again? Up to now, I still think it was a very sweet gesture on his part, and I did not think I have done anything wrong, but to my mum, she thinks why must I show off and tell everyone when my birthday was and make people buy things for me?

Then after secondary school, we often had disputes over my pocket money. There were people who are staying in just three-room flats but having more allowance than me every month. So I just asked for more allowance, and my mum thought it was because I overspent. The thing was the amount of pocket money she gave was barely enough to cover transport, food and entertainment.

I did not want to be like secondary school where people thought I was a loner, and just went home after school without going anywhere else and doing anything else. I wanted to socialize and have fun, so I started going out with my friends. I could have gone home after school, but I would have lost my friends, and I would not have started watching intellectual shows, nor picked up bowling, nor stepped into a karaoke lounge, nor entered my first relationship. If I had not done all those things and gained experience then, now I would be the kind of person I dislike.

She kept bugging me to study, did not even allow me to listen to the Walkman or take breaks, and said if I did not make it, so be it. Do not think she will send me overseas to study. Yet now, I see how much she gave my brother every month for his pocket money (twice what I got, even then it was not really enough to get by in this time and day), how he could play the computer and watch television even on the eve of an examination, how she allowed him to retake his examination when he did not do well, and how she would be sending him overseas to study next year because he could not make it here.

She also brought up that incident two years back, where I had to get myself cheated and she had to bail me out. In the first place, how was I to know I was being cheated? There was no sign on his forehead that he was cheating me, and all I knew was he had always been nice to me until the trouble with my parents started. He blamed my parents for his distance and change in attitude, which in the end I found out they were right after all, but still, how would I know in the beginning, especially since he was such an expert liar that it was rather scary now come to think of it?

Fine, I was stupid, I should have ensured thoroughly, but still, I never asked to get myself cheated deliberately. And did she think I felt good about that? Did she know just how miserable I was, how many sleepless nights I had because I cried every night? Yet there was no comfort from my parents, only reprimand on why I must get myself into such a situation in the first place, no words of solace or comfort. I had to face everything alone, and now when I am finally not being emotionally swayed, people accuse me of being unfeeling. Other parents would comfort and be nice to the kids and never lay any blame on them, but I seem to get blame for everything, be it my fault or not!

Am I wrong to feel unfair? I am not saying my parents should do all that for me, but why did they change the story when it came to my brother? Simply because he can curry favour? Or just because he is smarter? Why did everything he did seemed to be right and everything I do is wrong? That my parents would do everything for him and then gripe so much when it came to me?