Think I was a tad too emotional in my previous post. Come to think of it, I have not really ranted so much for quite some time. I was feeling really upset over the remarks my mum dished out at me. At least this shows I can still feel, and have not become "unfeeling" like what some people said! I am not giving any justification or excuses for what I said. When I am upset, I get really upset and end up sending all the wrong signals at times, that I admit. Still, if I come across as ungrateful or unfilial, then that is the impression which I did not mean to give.
Having said that, I do appreciate my parents, for whatever they have given me. We may not see eye to eye in many aspects, but still, they have tried to provide us with whatever they could. I just get really irritated when they blame me for something any of my siblings did, because I am the eldest, so I have to get the blame for not "guiding" the younger ones properly. Hmmmm... the thing is I do not wield so much power that I can get my siblings to listen to me all the time. Besides, they are already adults, they have their own ways of thinking and lifestyles. I do not have any right or power to "control" them so to speak.
Actually, I do feel guilty and ashamed. Guilty that I seem to run into trouble unintentionally, more often than most people I know. It had been one thing after another since young. Ashamed that my peers are mostly established and able to give their parents good and comfortable lives whereas I still cannot contribute much. For some reason, I seem to have the drive to want to succeed lately, hopefully to be able to achieve that soon and give my parents a better life. I may not be able to give them as good a life as they have given me, but I do hope to be able to contribute in some ways so they would not be too uncomfortable.
Even if I have not experienced it, I do know it is not easy to be a parent. Parents always worry for their children, no matter what happen. Perhaps some show it more than others, perhaps some care in other ways. Ever since my cousins and peers become parents themselves, their entire focus shift to their children. They worry when the children are not with them, they worry when their children are with them, they worry if the kid can have a good education, they worry if their kid can contribute to society next time. After the kid has grown up, the parents still worry - whether they can find a good mate.
I have already decided after the recent spate of trouble this year, it is time to finally restructure my life once and for all and stop making my parents worry. I have started doing that some time back, except I start running into trouble due to some mistakes along the way, so instead of making my life better it got worse. Still, nothing is that bad, not as if I had not fallen before, just need to pick up the pieces and move on again. Come to think of it, each time when it was a Rat year, I seem to run into more trouble than other times. Coincidence, or is it really in the karma that the animal signs clash?
I guess what goes around comes around. Do more good things in life and people will be good to you (although that may not be true in some cases). Just like now, with my relationship with my parents being strained until recently, I do not dare think how my own kid will be like next time. :-p As I have mentioned, I will not want my kid to resemble me, one nightmare for my parents is enough! Too worrisome!
Having said that, I do appreciate my parents, for whatever they have given me. We may not see eye to eye in many aspects, but still, they have tried to provide us with whatever they could. I just get really irritated when they blame me for something any of my siblings did, because I am the eldest, so I have to get the blame for not "guiding" the younger ones properly. Hmmmm... the thing is I do not wield so much power that I can get my siblings to listen to me all the time. Besides, they are already adults, they have their own ways of thinking and lifestyles. I do not have any right or power to "control" them so to speak.
Actually, I do feel guilty and ashamed. Guilty that I seem to run into trouble unintentionally, more often than most people I know. It had been one thing after another since young. Ashamed that my peers are mostly established and able to give their parents good and comfortable lives whereas I still cannot contribute much. For some reason, I seem to have the drive to want to succeed lately, hopefully to be able to achieve that soon and give my parents a better life. I may not be able to give them as good a life as they have given me, but I do hope to be able to contribute in some ways so they would not be too uncomfortable.
Even if I have not experienced it, I do know it is not easy to be a parent. Parents always worry for their children, no matter what happen. Perhaps some show it more than others, perhaps some care in other ways. Ever since my cousins and peers become parents themselves, their entire focus shift to their children. They worry when the children are not with them, they worry when their children are with them, they worry if the kid can have a good education, they worry if their kid can contribute to society next time. After the kid has grown up, the parents still worry - whether they can find a good mate.
I have already decided after the recent spate of trouble this year, it is time to finally restructure my life once and for all and stop making my parents worry. I have started doing that some time back, except I start running into trouble due to some mistakes along the way, so instead of making my life better it got worse. Still, nothing is that bad, not as if I had not fallen before, just need to pick up the pieces and move on again. Come to think of it, each time when it was a Rat year, I seem to run into more trouble than other times. Coincidence, or is it really in the karma that the animal signs clash?
I guess what goes around comes around. Do more good things in life and people will be good to you (although that may not be true in some cases). Just like now, with my relationship with my parents being strained until recently, I do not dare think how my own kid will be like next time. :-p As I have mentioned, I will not want my kid to resemble me, one nightmare for my parents is enough! Too worrisome!
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