What Determines The Way We Live Our Lives?

With the new year coming, perhaps it is time to ask a big question : where do we come from? What made our parents come together in the first place and conceived us? What caused our ancestors to mate and produce their descendants? And why were we born in our respective families and not others?

Something like the chicken and egg theory. Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? One point of view will say the egg comes first because the chicken has to hatch from the egg, but the other point of view is that the chicken comes first because if there is no chicken, the egg will never come about.

Similarly, if we have no parents, or ancestors, there will be no us. But why were we born into a certain family, a certain race, a certain country? Why were some born with silver spoons into royalty, yet others born in the middle of a war-torn zone?

So what exactly determines how our lives are like? No doubt in much of our adult life, we have to determine ourselves how we lead our lives and make certain things happen, but why do some things just happen more than others? And why do we meet so many coincidences along the way that eventually shape what we do?

The book "Sophie's World" answers a little on how we come about. It delves on the history of all the ancient and modern civilisation that ultimately becomes the society in which we live in and the philosophy of the concept of life and choices in general.

Christian and Jewish teachings would say that humans came about because of Adam and Eve, our first Man and Woman. God created everything in six days, and He created Man out of clay, then He formulated Woman out of a rib from the Man. So Man and Woman are supposed to be joined in matrimony together.

Buddhist teachings (or is it just Chinese mythology?) would say that the first Man was a God (Huang Di) fallen from grace. He created the oceans and mountains. His sister was the Goddess Nu Wa who created the trees, birds, animals. Legend went that Huang Di and Nu Wa married and their offspring became the first humans, forming the very first dynasty of China.

Naturalists would quote Darwin's Thoery of Evolution that man (homo sapiens) evolved from apes. There were even archaeological findings on skulls of Cro-Magnon people that looked suspiciously like the skulls of apes. In which case, why do we not see any apes evolving into humans now?

So after being born into a certain family and raised by our respective parents, what really determine how we lead our lives? Why do some people do so much, yet never get any recognition, but others do not need to do so much yet got all the recognition? Why are some people able to marry their first loves, but others have to do through a series of failed relationships before finally finding the one, and yet some others never meet the right ones and get married their whole lives?

Is it fate or faith that determines the way we do things? Some will say it is God's Will that things happen, or that God will find the right person for you. Some will say it is fate you end up doing certain things a certain way and end up with a certain person. Some others will say it all depends on ourselves how we do things that determine our own fate. Even the most non-religious and non-believers end up doing certain things and with certain people. What determines that then?

I see the lives of the people around me and wonder why it is their lives are that way. They do not necessarily lead unhappy lives, but everyone has a different life. Like the children of my dad's elder sister and brother. Even among siblings in the same family, their lives and marriages are so different.

Maybe some people are just luckier and some people are just not as lucky. Shall we aspire then to become lucky? Is it within our control or has it already been determined by forces greater than us how our lives are going to be like? Just like why do some people have such a big abundance of wealth to last them three lifetimes, yet others were born into poverty and starvation?

Shall we then be satisfied with what we have without needing to achieve more, or shall we just give it a shot and see if our lives can be better? Or shall we just give up any excess and let those poorer ones have a go at leading a life where there is enough food to eat and clothes to wear?

Or perhaps I should not dampen anyone's spirits by being so negative. So have a happy and prosperous year ahead with a better life to look forward to!

Not A Sportsperson .....

End of the year .... and it just dawned on me that I have not done any real form of exercising for two years. That, plus the fact that I do not work as long hours as during my teaching days, leading a more fruitful life and eating out quite often, probably explains why I seem to have ballooned up a little.

Some time ago, a friend and I were passing by this pub with a large screen television that was showing a certain soccer match. Needless to say, he stopped and watched a little, whereas I told him exactly which striker would score, and he did.

My friend was real surprised that I actually watch soccer games and can predict how the game will be like. I told him that actually, I do not watch soccer, or any other types of sports for that matter (except for a bit of tennis here and there). But I have been with guys whose ultimate favourite sport is soccer, and two brothers who talk about nothing but soccer. Coincidentally, all my ex-boyfriends and both my brothers happen to like the same Premier League team, that used to have a certain good-looking striker who married a famous wife.

Thus, I do not even need to watch anything since the entire game would be commentated and narrated to me immediately after. That is how I got to know the rules, players, names of the players, manager, number of goals and wins, various countries that have held the World Cup and European Championships without even needing to watch any game at all.

But come to think of it, I have not exercised ever since last year. In the past when I had to teach PE and training the various House teams for Sports Day, I had to exercise along with the kids, so was able to get some form of exercises done. Now I do not remember even doing any form of exercising.

My favourite sport is tennis, followed by bowling. I have been interested in tennis ever since upper primary when I heard my classmates talking about learning tennis under a coach, but I only took it up in NIE. I used to play tennis and swim with my hall mates when I was staying at the NTU hostel.

Actually I hate swimming, probably because my mum used to force me to go for swimming lessons. I always had a phobia of drowning, and although now I know I definitely will not drown because I can swim, I will still be reluctant to go swimming unless absolutely necessary. Besides, the sun and chlorine will have an adverse effect on my bare skin. Beach activity and diving is a different story of course.

Both my brothers can play tennis. The elder one took it up when he went to Australia to study, and the younger one is still taking lessons from a professional coach. I better retake my tennis lessons again, at least to a level where I can challenge my brother.

The first sport I took up was table-tennis actually, where I used to play with my godbrother and my school mates. But ever since I started playing badminton and bigger ball games, I have not touched a ping pong bat for the past fifteen years or so. During my teenage years, I used to play badminton with my cousins outside my grandmother's house, and always lost.

But badminton was just a passing fancy for me. I took it up only to play with my cousins. The one I always wanted to do well in was tennis, followed by bowling, then squash. So the two sports I would really like to learn is cycling and squash.

I have been trying to find someone to teach me both, especially cycling, but no avail. Both my brothers can cycle by learning on their own. I still wonder how they did that since I could never cycle by learning on my own. So many attempts, so many bruises, so many falls and injuries, and I still could not move the bike after the first step. Such a clumsy person!

I suppose guys should be more sports-inclined in general. At least I know my ex-boyfriends all did some form of sports. My first guy loves to bowl, so we would go bowling together when I was with him. I have bowled with my classmates before, so I was not a total novice, but it was still no fun bowling with him since he always liked to play competitively and liked to put me down for being "no competition".

My second guy used to only play soccer, but ever since he started male grooming, he wanted to look good, so became a real gym buff. Once in a while I would go to the gym with him, just to run on the treadmill or use the exercise bike. An hour at the gym was the most I could stay, but he could be in there for half a day!

When he first started out, he was so obsessed with looking good and having a good body that he went to the gym, ran round the track and swam a few laps in the pool all in one day, five days a week. Once in a while I would join him, but I was not such a born athelete to be able to do all three in a day. Thus often than not, I ended up waiting for him for hours to finish up all his routines.

My third ex indulges in soccer, pool, swimming and bowling. We would bowl and swim together at times, but mostly when he went out with his friends, they would play pool. That was how I learnt to play pool. In fact, for our first official date, he brought me to a snookerium to play pool.

Just as well both my brothers play pool too, the elder one picking up in Australia (again) and the younger one picking up whenever he goes out with his friends. Seems like where bowling used to be a favourite game for the young and bowling alleys used to be jam-packed with teenagers, now pool has taken over.

But I never really like going to snookeriums because the places are normally full of smoke and loud music. I cannot breathe properly due to all the smoke and I get a headache from all the loud music. And my brother feels the same way, which was why he asked for the pool table in the first place. Which ironically I have not played a single game on it even though it had taken up residence in my place since August.

Looks like one of my new year's resolutions is to try to squeeze some time for exercise again. But if I am to start dancing lessons, probably that can also be considered a form of exercise, which means I can probably slim down again!

Ode To A Love Lost ....

This was written a few months back just after the end of my relationship. Recently I found the first copy and re-edited it into a better version. Perhaps it still could be better?

You are the only one who gave me a Christmas present,
Even when we are not longer in each other's presence.
You are the only one who remembered my birthday,
Even when there is no more cause for celebration.

You would wipe my tears whenever I cried,
Held me whenever I needed comfort,
Laughed with me whenever I laughed,
And gave me warmth whenever I was cold.

You cooked for me on special occasions,
Gave me gifts as good surprises,
Whispered sweet nothings for no reason,
And made me feel loved all over.

But you drove me further and further away
With your frivolity, broken promises,
Over-dependence, self-centredness,
Thinking the world must revolve around you.

How can one so sweet be so unreliable?
How can one so sweet be so frivolous?
How can one so sweet be so playful
And defensive over his own actions?

You expect me to do what your parents do
Take care of you, over-protecting you.
Doing things the way you want
With no questions asked whatsoever.

But I am nobody's parent,
I was your girlfriend, your companion,
Someone who was supposed to be
Deemed as your equal.

I had to call you in the morning
Just to wake you up,
To remind your schedule for the day,
To ensure you were never late.

But you took it all for granted,
Always expecting more,
Never keeping your promises
For what you agreed upon.

Now we are no longer together,
And your life seems in a mess
With no one to remind you of your promises
And no one to help you take charge of things to do.

Now you are unable to achieve
Even the simplest task,
Or keep the simplest promise
Without anyone by your side.

When you were seventeen
It was still excusable for your actions.
But now you are twenty-seven,
How long are you going to depend on others?

So we have loved and lost,
A regretful turn of events,
Perhaps in a number of years
You will be the perfect guy.

But I am no longer able to wait
For you to "grow up"
For you to be independent
For you to turn reliable.

I need someone who loves me
More than I love him.
I need someone who can take charge of his life
Without depending on me or anyone else for that matter.

I need someone mature and stable,
Who knows what to do and when to do,
Who treats me as an equal
And not someone who expects me to be like his mother.

So fare thee well, my sweet.
Sorry that things did not work out.
You will be fondly missed,
For all the good memories we have achieved.

Ageing Gracefully? - Not!

I finally went for a facial session after the last one in April. My image consultant lectured me a little on not attending the sessions regularly. I would not have attended because the place where I work now is so out of the way and inconvenient to go anywhere, except the beauty parlour sent me a Christmas voucher for a free session, so I may as well utilise it.

I have my own skincare routine, all the more so in recent years ever since reaching my mid-twenties, but facial sessions are for thorough deep cleansing and extraction of all the blackheads and whiteheads, plus general maintenance where regular skincare does not entail. I must thank both my parents for having pretty good skin, so I am those few lucky ones who do not need to attend regular sessions.

Luckily I come from a family where everyone has good skin. I hardly ever break out even as a teenager. Where my classmates had to battle with acne and scarring, my face was spotless and they always wondered how I did it. I hardly did much during my teenage years as I started the real skincare routine only upon reaching my adulthood. So I guess my only saving grace is that I inherited the good genes from my parents.

But as one ages, all things come to an end. I really admire those women who had given birth to a few kids, yet still look so slim, elegant, pretty and young. How I wish I can look half as good after giving birth. Even right now, I am already struggling so hard to maintain my looks, figure, skin and hair. I wonder how those women did it?

It is true that skin becomes drier as one gets older. So where in the past I could get away from using just a mild moisturiser on my hands and face and eye gel, it is now the time to start using something more intensive, like hand cream, serums, eye creams and sunblock. I am not as young as before.

The recent Aussie trip taught me a bitter lesson about taking things for granted. So I am the only one in the position to take care of myself before all the premature ageing starts to sink in. No matter how good genes I have, they will all come to nought if I do not maintain properly.

And skincare is not just for girls. It is also the reason why so many guys look so young too. With proper maintenance and routine, anybody can remain perpetually youthful, be it guys or girls. After all, you are the only one in the position to take care of your own well-being.

So for those who are blessed with relatively good skin, better start maintaining now and not take your good features for granted, otherwise when all the lines start coming and being embedded deeper, it will be too late to turn back the time.

Unique Dining Experience

There is this place called Sizzling Rock situated at Boat Quay just by the Singapore River. The restaurant is different in that customers have to cook the main dishes themselves, whereas the side dishes will be prepared and served separately from the main dish. The main dish will be put on a hot stone slab and served, sizzling, to the customer.

K had a one-for-one dining voucher for the place, so we went there for dinner last night. He ordered salmon and sirloin while I had chicken and tenderloin. When the hot plates appeared in front of us, all the pieces of meat were still raw, and oil splattered around. So all we needed to do was wait until the meat cooked.

How to determine if the meat was cooked? Just lift up the meat and look at the colour at the bottom. If it is of a decent colour (cannot really say what colour since it differs from meat to meat), then turn it over and start cooking the other side. Another way is to stab the fork in and feel the texture, but this normally works only when both sides of the meat are cooked.

One good thing about this is that you get to control exactly how you want your steak to be, whether rare, medium or well-done. One disadvantage is that for people who cannot cook so cannot tell when the meat is cooked, they may end up either eating half-cooked food or food burnt to a crisp, in which case both may later upset their bowel movements.

But it was enjoyable, looking at the meat, seeing the oil bubbling, then making sure the colour was just right before turning the meat over and start cooking the other side. My chicken was just right, not too hard and not too soft, and the tenderloin steak was a perfect medium-well. I must say, I am a good cook! ;-p

I had to help my friend out a little as he could not tell whether his was cooked. But sirloin steak tends to take a little longer to cook than tenderloin, as the texture and size differs. His salmon was good though, at least it was cooked to a perfect colour.

Dessert was chocolate fondue! I was telling K the origins of the original cheese fondue, where it was partaken only at orgies and balls (as in, those massive extravagant big parties thrown by the rich and famous people in the past, not the other meaning). The chocolate fondue was just right, although he thought it a bit thick. At least it was better than the previous one I took, where the chocolate was so bland.

Those who know me are surprised when I told them I can cook, as they are always under the impression that I cannot. Now, why would they think that? I went through the Singapore education system where I had to take Home Economics in school. Of course I can at least cook and bake a little. No doubt I never had the chance to fiddle with pots and pans or do any form of domestic work since I have a maid all my life, but that does not mean I am totally incompetent in that area.

Overall, it was an interesting dining experience. Considering the food was cooked by ourselves, I must say it was pretty good, at least for a non-professional and non-expert standard. Better than some of those restaurants where the food does not taste good at all, despite supposedly to be cooked by professionals.

Romancing Singapore ....

Count down to 2006, three more days to be exact, starting from now. New Year's Day, followed by Chinese New Year, then Valentine's Day. And Valentine's season normally corresponds with the "Romancing Singapore" campaign.

For the past few years, every February to March there will be some sort of a Love Fest called "Romancing Singapore". This month-long thing includes songs and dances of love, advertisements and articles on love and family, and various special promotions on government and corporate matchmaking agencies. This campaign was started due to the government's movement on helping people find love and to settle down early and start a family.

These efforts are commendable because our local government is actually concerned enough for its people not to let them die of loneliness in their old age. Or is it they are just concerned about the decrease in birth rate and population, and worried that there will not be enough smart young generation to take over the ageing population?

It is one thing spreading all these messages around, but it is another thing changing people's mentalities altogether. In general, a lot of Singapore guys still think Singapore girls will not look at them as long as they are not rich, handsome or whatsoever. Then there are other Singapore guys who only crave for sexual attention and think girls should oblige.

There are yet other Singapore guys who think the local girls are too out-spoken and domineering. Thus they all look for other pleasures outside the country, where some women from other countries are dying to marry into Singapore society just so they and their families can have a better life.

What about Singapore girls? It is a growing concern among local ladies that it is getting harder and harder to find a real nice, decent, educated, smart and responsible local guy all rolled in one, especially since all these guys are most likely to be snatched up long before. Thus local girls also look for other pleasures, and marry foreigners, whom they deem as good and decent, and not shallow, uncouth and chauvinistic like some of the local guys.

But nowadays it really seems harder and harder to find the right one for oneself. I seriously wonder why my parents' generation (and above) seemed to have it so easy. Government and media messages can preach about finding love and promoting activities, but it is a one in a million chance that we are able to find someone for ourselves even if we do go to those places and participate in those activities.

Sometimes the one you fell for may not necessary be the right one, especially if you want someone for a lifelong relationship. A mere boyfriend / girlfriend is not the same as being a husband / wife. The responsibilities and expectations are just so different.

Someone who makes a nice boyfriend may not equate to being a good husband. My ex is nice and filial and caring, but he will not make a good husband (at least not for now) because he is still too dependent on his parents. Someone who is to be a husband and head of the house must at least be able to think for himself on what to do, and be responsible to himself and his family. How can someone who still relies on people to tell him what to do be able to be fully responsible to himself, let alone to take care of a family?

Similarly, a friend of mine may be a good girlfriend, but she may not make a good wife. She cares for the boyfriend and accommodates him, but when it comes to marriage, she wants things her way. She does not mind staying with her in-laws, but wants her in-laws to treat her like a princess, like how her parents treat her. She does not want to work, she wants to sleep until all hours of the day, she does not want to do any housework, and yet she expects the in-laws to take good care of her. I thought getting married means taking care of each other's families and not the other way round?

A girlfriend is different from a wife. A girlfriend can still whine and sometimes wants the boyfriend to pamper her a little, but a wife has to be a pillar of support to her husband, often taking charge of the household when her husband is away, and making sure he is well taken care of when he returns from a hard day of work. She has to put her own affairs aside and put her husband's interests first, just like a husband putting his family's interests first.

With marriage comes great responsibility and commitment. Love and romance alone is not enough at all, especially to sustain a long-term relationship. Perhaps that is why a lot of people are still not ready to make the big step to be fully responsible to each other. The dating stage is different because each is still their own person, but after marriage, both are supposed to be joined as one so as to carve out a life together.

My mum was just telling me the other day that I should change my perspective and stop looking for someone romantic and find someone seriously responsible and reliable. She said romantic guys often do not stay faithful because romance is more for the courting stage, not marriage. After marriage, all the lovey-dovey and romance will fizzle out after a while, and what comes next is the commitment and determination to make the marriage work out.

As I observe the people around me, I finally began to see her point of view. My ex-boyfriends (with the exception of the first one) are all romantic and sweet guys, but they are not willing and ready to commit further. So look where romance got me.

Whereas when I see my married relatives, how many of my uncles and male cousins do I see that are really romantic? None actually. They do not hold hands or talk lovingly in public, they do not hug or kiss in front of people. My parents are not romantic too. In fact, I hardly ever see my parents showing loving display in front of us, which is probably why my mum used to frown whenever my ex wanted to hold my hand or hug or kiss me in front of them.

But are they leading good lives? Yes! In fact, I think my married relatives have never led happier and more fulfilling lives. The husbands really take care of the families well and the wives really support their husbands and take care of the households. They show their love in their hearts and through their actions of providing for their families, not by expensive gifts, wining and dining or public displays of affection.

My Australian aunt used to complain that my uncle was not romantic. My mum said they used to quarrel a lot in the early stages of their marriage. Yet now, after more than thirty years of marriage, my aunt said she had never been miserable in the marriage. There was really nothing to complain about because he provided for her and the family so well.

I only know of one cousin-in-law who is romantic and loving, yet my poor cousin ended up divorced. After seven years of marriage and two kids, he suddenly wanted to be free and walked out of the whole family. Maybe someone who is truly committed with a sense of responsibility will try to make the marriage work out and not let the wife and children suffer.

That is not to say romantic guys will not make good mates. I have seen some guys who are very loving and a good family man as well. But these guys are few and far in between. But between someone who is romantic and woos you with flowers and gifts yet frivolous and someone who is focused and committed but not romantic, whereas I would have chosen the former in the past, now I will choose the latter.

I realise now that romance, candlelight dinners and memorable times are but so fleeing. To be able to really enjoy a good life with a good person, it is the maturity, reliability, responsibility and independence that really count. Material things and good times are actually not that important if the guy is able to provide a good family life and never let the family suffer.

Teenage Romances

There was a discussion going on the radio today about teenage romances. The deejay was targeting the age group of 12 - 15. He remarked that kids seem to gain "maturity" at a younger and younger age, and the average age for teenage romances have gone younger. Heck, there are primary school kids dating nowadays too!

Throughout the years, there were some negative reports on teenage romances. About how things would normally not work out, and both kids lost their focus and did badly in their studies. About how the kids got involved in sex and the girl got pregnant, then got dumped by the guy. There was even a case on how a guy jumped off his school building just because his teacher wanted to tell his parents about him carrying on with his girlfriend in school.

The radio programme today asked parents to call in and give their views regarding this issue. Of the three parents who called in, only one parent was open-minded about this issue. The other two said that they would not approve for their kids to enter a relationship at that age. One said it would affect the studies, the other said her son would likely be just fooling around, and it would be best to complete the army before he enters into any relationship.

The parent who approved has a fifteen-year-old son, who has a girlfriend. At first she was hesitant when he told her about the girl, but she remembered that she had been through this stage, so advised the son on knowing what to do and said wanted to meet the girl. So the son often brings the girlfriend home for dinner. Nice mother!

I never had that experience as I was never attached at that age (considering I was from a convent, so I could not be attached, unless I turned lesbian). But I do agree that it is a little dangerous to enter a relationship at that young an age.

Firstly, both parties may not know what they are getting themselves into. (I know, since I experienced that too well, even at the age of seventeen.) Secondly, the kids may have the misconception that relationship equates to sex, and once they succumb, it may become too big a responsibility for them to bear. Thirdly, the end of a relationship often spells bitterness, hurt, misery, especially to a still young and immature mind who still cannot control their emotions, and the kids may end up letting their studies slide. I know that too well too!

That is not to say teenage romances definitely do not work out. I have friends who got together ever since lower secondary, and now they are married to each other. But I guess this really boils down to upbringing, knowing your focus and priorities and knowing what both are doing.

But I suppose parents play a part too. Most parents will frown upon their kids having a relationship during their formative years, but in most cases, the more they disapprove, the more the kids want. Maybe the best way would be to advise the kids and let them know the exact big picture they are getting themselves into, then offer to get to know their respective halves.

None of my relatives ever have a teenage romance. In fact, I think I was the first to be attached at that age. And strangely, my parents never really talk to me about getting attached and finding the right person until I was well into my twenties. Thus I entered my first relationship without knowing what it entailed. How I wish someone would have given me a pep talk on what entering a relationship was all about then, but I suppose one only learns from mistakes.

A Choice Between Two Suitors

Some people say to be with someone you cannot live without, yet others say to choose someone who is the best. But what if it is all one-sided, and the one you cannot live without just so happens that he or she can live without you? Or, like in the case of my friend, she does not know which one to choose since the two guys whom she deem as having the most potential are both equally good?

My friend said Guy A is like a male version of her. They have the same ideals, same interests (almost all), same outlook towards life, same opinions on certain issues which are critical to her like family values, cohabitation, fornication. They both like a more slow-paced and laid-back life, the same type of food and drinks, they both have the same approach towards lifelong learning, conservation of the environment, etc.

As a result, they are able to agree on most issues. Only thing is if they end up together, they may have conflict over religion. Besides, he is slightly younger than her and she prefers a guy older while he prefers a girl younger. And when she went out with him, although they were able to click well together, she felt it was a rather normal outing, nothing too exciting or out of the ordinary.

Guy B, on the other hand, is wittier and more humorous, with a sense of humour sometimes bordering on sarcasm and subtle insults. But she likes the fact that he is a good listener and attentive to her needs. When they went out, she had more fun as he is a more spontaneous person who does things on the spur of the moment and she likes the excitement of doing things on one's whims. And he is older than her!

Whereas Guy A is a more detailed person who plans out what to do every step along the way, just like my friend who plans out what she needs to do, although she can be rather spontaneous at times as well. And Guy B is of the same religion, so may not incur too much conflict in that area.

Thus she is finding it a hard choice deciding who to be better friends with, with the possibility of developing into a lifelong relationship. In her opinion, both guys are equal in terms of maturity, independence, focus, stability and responsibility.

Hmmm .... a hard choice, is it not? Much as I like to help her out by giving her some advice, in cases like these, it is really not within my power to say anything, because the ultimate choice lies with her on who she deems is the most suitable. The qualities I look for in a guy may not necessarily be the same as what she looks for.

There are so many questions one can ask when it comes to making a choice like this. Is compatibility more important than having a fun time? Is someone with a sense of humour more important than someone who has the same opinions? Is being detailed more important than being spontaneous? And (I know I have asked this several times) do religion and age really matter when it comes to finding true love and someone perfect for oneself?

If it is me, I will ask for a fusion of both guys, which is not that possible of course, since no one is perfect. But if I really have to choose, I will take the one who is more compatible and alike to me, since a lifelong relationship is easier to sustain if both parties have the same ideals, values and outlook towards the type of life they like to lead. Afterall, if both have to live and share their lives together, it would be best to be similar in terms of what they both want, then there will be much less conflict in the household.

Dedication Or Just Showing Off?

I actually finished a whole box of chocolates in record time. After being so deprived Down Under, I bought a whole packet of Kit-Kats, Cadbury Dairy Milk and a normal box of Ferrero Rocher's upon my return and finished them within five days.

Last Friday, I bought the special edition 100th anniversary of Cadbury, consisting of Cadbury Blueberry Yogurt-flavoured Chocolate and Cadbury Dairy Milk, as a Christmas gift to myself. There were a total of a hundred chocolates inside, and already they were all gone. Either I must control more or stock up more.

After being out in the corporate world for quite some time, one can see lots of extremes in the working world. There are those who are choosy over working hours, workload, salary, bonus, overtime, monetary claims. These people will never come early or stay late. Even if they are not late for work, they will come on time and leave on time.

If they are asked to do overtime, they expect to be paid or given time off. They take leave at least once every month just because it is their entitlement. And they expect big bonuses simply because they have worked everyday, and expect a pay raise after a year or so.

But in order to ask for or demand things your way, one should first consider whether it is deserving. There are those who come early and stay late and seldom take leave, not particular about overtime or salary, and really contribute the best to the company. These people can be considered as dedicated and committed to their jobs.

Then there are the other extremes. Sometimes one wonders if these people are really that dedicated to their jobs or just "showing off". These are the ones that are "married" to their jobs, so to speak. They are the ones that will always be the first one in and the last one to leave, and despite the company operating on an official five-day work week, they come in every Saturday and Sunday to work even though they are not asked or requred to. Do they really have that much work to do?

And these people may not even be those higher-ranking ones. In fact, sometimes those higher-ranking ones seem to work lesser hours than the normal staff. But if someone of a managerial position is like this, chances are he or she will not be a good person to work for, since he or she is likely to be a slave-driver, and demand as much from the staff.

No doubt overtime and weekend work is inevitable and unavoidable at times, but when one is not asked or required to go back, is it really necessary for them to appear at the office, especially since no one else will be around, and the Big Boss had declared weekends as official non-working days?

These are those people that will probably "spoil the market" so to speak for the rest, as the higher-ups will deem that if one person (or a few people) can make the effort, the rest of the staff jolly well can do the same, and may start revamping policies which may decrease staff's welfare with longer working hours.

As a result, people like these may get hated by the rest of the employees, because even if he or she has no life outside the office, others will like to be left to lead their own lives besides working their lives away. Afterall, if one has already put in ten hours everyday in the office, the least one deserves is the weekend off to relax, recharge and have fun.

Ever since I started working for companies that function on five-days working week, I have never gone back to the office during the weekends, except for a few occasions when documents needed to be rushed out urgently, or clients arrived, or specially requested by my boss. Other than that, I prefer putting in longer hours during the week just so I can have my weekends and public holidays off to do what I like.

But sometimes I wonder will that be considered a half-hearted attitude towards work? Is a good job attitude and performance synonymous only by the number of hours one clocks in? Is someone who comes on time and leaves on time considered a bad worker, despite already working the required official hours? Similarly, will someone get a bad appraisal for adhering just to official working hours, and those that are "married" to their jobs get good appraisals?

But is not the quality of the work better than the quantity of time put in? What if someone is able to produce very good work without needing to spend a lot of time on it, but there are others who work all the overtime yet still cannot manage to produce good work? Will the former then get marked down just because he does not put in overtime?

I, for one, will not like a job that will cause me to be "married" to my work, which is why I left teaching. Going out into the corporate world is so much better in comparison. On the whole, the official hours are so stated because those are the hours employees are required to work. Beyond that, it is not stated that employees have to work, thus there should not be any discrimination if one cannot stay late and leaves on the dot.

Etc .... Etc .... Etc ....

The famous words of King Mongkut of Siam to Mrs Anna Leonowens, the British governess he employed to tutor his fifty-eight children, which included his heir, Crown Prince Chulalongkorn, later the King who revamped Siam.

I was watching "Anna And The King" last night, the one with Jodie Foster and Chow Yun Fatt, with the young English boy Tom Felton who later became Draco Malfoy in the "Harry Potter" movies. These words were not spoken; in fact the closest Chow Yun Fatt's king character said were "and so on, and so on."

These words were uttered by the original "The King And I" star Yul Brynner (also King Ramses in "Ten Commandments"), as well as in the musical version of the movie (or is it the movie version of the musical?).

The show is so well-loved because that was Yul Brynner's meatiest role by far. Of course the new version, although a good movie on its own, could never hold a candle to the original version. It was as if Yul Brynner was born for the role.

The show was actually based on the diaries of Anna Leonowens after her return to England, on her experiences with the then-backward customs of Siam (now Thailand), her tutoring of the children, how the country changed her, how she changed the King, and her love for the King. She could not understand why the King could have so many wives, yet claimed he loved all of them. But when she fell in love with the King, apparently she was the last woman he ever really loved.

I used to wonder how can someone love two persons (or many people) at the same time? For instance, if a guy and a girl is in a relationship, and the guy or the girl was attracted to someone else, is that being unfaithful?

I suppose it is unfaithful if he or she decides to just take the best of both worlds and start two-timing. On the other hand, if he or she breaks up with the partner only to end up with the other person, is that any less hurtful?

Maybe I am naive, but I always believe in being faithful and loyal to just one person - the person you chose to love. After all, if you really love someone, there should be commitment and faithfulness. So why do some people become the "victims" of unfaithfulness?

One reason can be that one party may have met someone else more compatible or suitable. That is often the case. So when that happens, although it may not be that right a thing to do, but be kind to the "victim" and break up so he or she can move on. Of course the hurt will be there, but in the long run, it may be the best after all if they are really not compatible and he or she is more compatible with the other person.

Another reason can be temptation. At times when people got together while still schooling, everything was still innocent and sweet, but when they went out into the working world and meet people more secure or prettier or smarter, some people may stray. Then they find that the girlfriend or boyfriend who has been with them since school days may not be that attractive anymore, and they will start to look for new ventures. Perhaps that is why school day romances fail about 80% of the time.

Sometimes one cannot really judge whether it is right or wrong to fall for another person while still with someone. Circumstances like these do exist. The partner may have changed, or wanted something else, or simply just felt that someone else would be more suitable. So they may stray.

The person who strayed may be at fault for not being faithful, but I guess at times one cannot really pinpoint who is totally at fault. Perhaps both parties should work things out more, or both should change to adapt to each other. Whatever it is, straying is not condoned because it causes lots of hurt and grief, but at times, it may be for the best of both parties, and I guess the people involved may just have to accept it if it turns out to be for the best after all.

And when this happens, for goodness sake break up and not hold on. Loving one person at a time is still much less complicating than loving two people, one more than the other, and trying to sink two boats at one time. Holding on will only cause more complications.

Are Local Guys Pricks?

Boxing Day! I used to wonder what Boxing Day really means, until I found out the meaning behind it. During the festive seasons, many people will buy gifts or clothes for partying, but after that one-time party, most people may not want to keep the clothes, thus went back to the store to return the purchase.

So, items will be like "taken out of the box" and "putting back into the box", and this occurs normally after all the Christmas celebrations. Thus the concept of "Boxing Day" and why it only occurs in certain countries the day after Christmas. Interesting.

I found out today that my mum and I actually do agree on things. She, too, thinks that in general, Singapore guys, as compared to guys from, say Malaysia or Indonesia, are too pampered, sheltered and shallow. She said that Singapore guys still live with their parents until after marriage, thus they take lots of things for granted and do not "grow up" until rather late in life.

Whereas Malaysian or Indonesian guys, especially those who came here to study and work, moved away from their parents at a young age, so are more independant, exposed and willing to strive harder. So essentially she gave me carte blanche if I ever end up with a foreigner. Although I suspect she probably presumes I am still referring to Chinese guys, and not any other races.

I feel like slapping my youngest brother more and more nowadays. He has been irritating the hell out of me lately. I had to put up with all his rudeness, disrespect and putting me down in front of all my relatives in Australia, and today, while lunching with some other relatives, he kept saying I should not eat so much otherwise I will be fatter than him and no guy will ever look at me again.

When my eldest cousin remarked about how some people are able to stay in their jobs because they are indispensable to the company, my brother has to say in front of everyone that I will never be like that because I seem to lose my job so often. Then when I brought his attention to his favourite dish, he told me to shut up and stop nagging him. I was just trying to talk to my little nephew over some issues, and my brother has to say I am being bossy to everyone else, not just to him.

I really wonder why do I not just scream and slap him in front of everyone? Since he thinks nothing of embarrassing me in front of all our relatives (when as if I was already not overshadowed enough since young), why did I still give him face? I could have screamed at him for his lack of respect, but I did not wish to make him lose face in front of our relatives. Now I wonder why did I even care about him "losing face" when he blatantly did not care about me being humiliated?

I really hate pricks like that who think only of themselves and do not care about how others feel. By-product of a Singaporean upbringing. My brother is like that, although people may say he is still young, but still, a normal seventeen-year-old should at least have enough sense on how to behave, especially showing basic respect towards their elders. But I meet Singapore guys in their late twenties and early thirties who still behave like that.

Are Singapore guys really pricks who think the whole world has to revolve around them? No wonder all the real good and decent local guys of marriageable age are already snatched up, because these qualities seem to be getting rarer and rarer where local guys are concerned.

Our government is worried about the growing number of unmarried educated ladies, and keep encouraging family life, but I think they should start "educating" some of the local guys on how to first behave properly so the girls will not be turned off. Local guys complain why women seem to prefer foreigners, thus they have to resort to having "mail-order brides" from other countries, but why do they not examine that they are the reasons why local women are turned off?

Granted in our local society, it is a very realistic and materialistic society where money and status speak a lot. And there are women who will only go out with guys who have money and status. Perhaps that is why the men will only show off how much money and credit cards they have and the type of vehicle they drive whenever they meet a girl.

But not every local lady is like that. How much conversation can one sustain by talking about nothing except car, cash, credit card? Most educated people will prefer someone who has some substance in them. Looks will go, money may go, career will end one day, but someone who is interesting and witty and a good communicator is one whom I can live with for life and grow old together.

A Chrizzy Celebration

Merry Christmas to one and all! I had a rather lax Christmas eve, except for the Midnight Mass. I have not been to Midnight Mass for so long, that I have practically forgotten that it is supposed to be a semi-formal affair, and I felt what I was wearing was not formal enough. I was wearing a white knit-top complete with white pants, and I saw people wearing office wear and evening gowns. First time I felt so embarrassed at being so under-dressed.

But the mass was great! The spiritual atmosphere was all in the air, the priests were very emotional, the choir was fantastic and everyone was rejoicing. One of the few rare times when the church was actually full to the brim, and majority of the congregation were about half an hour early for mass. It was really a different feeling attending a normal Sunday Mass as compared to a once-a-year Christmas Midnight Mass.

When I went to church this morning, the atmosphere went back to that of a normal Sunday Mass. Why is the feeling so different? Is it to do with the occasion, but being Christmas, should the Mass not be of even more of a spiritual atmosphere? Or perhaps it is to do with the congregation. Midnight Mass is just so different. Maybe that is why people prefer to just go for Midnight Mass after not attending Sunday church sessions for the entire year.

I met Sen after church and we went for lunch and to watch "Narnia". Now after hearing two differing opinions of the show, although both reviewers declared they are impressed with the show, I sort of had a little expectations on it being an above average movie. After watching the show, I still think it is an above average movie, but not as impressive as I had imagined.

The children's characters were well-portrayed, and as the movie went on, there were certain parts which I sort of remembered from the book, but as for every book-to-movie adaptation, there were parts missing found in the book which would have made the overall movie more interesting.

For instance, the White Witch in the show was totally expressionless, when she was supposed to have a more cold and evil aura about her. The Lion King was supposed to be much more majestic looking, but the lion in the show looked so tame. Overall, it was a good adaptation, but the book still gives me the vibes after reading it, whereas the movie does not.

I was on my way to meet Sen earlier when I happened to pass by the cemetery where my two cousins were buried. I still feel so sad for them and their families, as their lives ended so young - one at the age of fourteen, after a major asthmatic attack, and the other at the age of ten after succumbing to leukaemia which she had been battling for four years.

Times like this I wish I had paid attention to where their graves were when my parents took me there in the past. Today, being Christmas, and since I was in the area, it was the perfect time to pay respects at their graves. But I was not about to go wandering around in a cemetery all by my lonesome, even if it was in broad daylight. So in the end I just said a little prayer for both their souls.

It is never easy losing a loved one, especially to death or natural disasters. Tomorrow will be the first anniversary of the drastic tsunami waves that affected quite a number of countries. Lives were lost, places were destroyed, everything had to be rebuilt, but the most important was those who lost their loved ones could never see them again. I have to remember the lesson from here and treasure those around me more, be they family or friends.

Changes In Perspective .... (And Happy Holidays!)

At last I have something to do on Christmas Day. I will be meeting a friend for lunch and a movie (Yes! "Narnia" at last! Although I have heard mixed reviews about the show....). He had a Christmas wish list, which I promised to help make his first wish come true, so he will have what he asked for, as well as something that I brought back from Tasmania. Which reminds me, someone else is also supposed to meet me some time soon to pick up his Tasmanian present (gentle reminder :-D).

K is going home tomorrow for Christmas, so I met up with him after work since it is so near the season and we did not want to go home so early. We went down to the Esplanade to see a carolling performance, then had dinner at a Peranakan restaurant, before proceeding to HMV where he bought a whole lot of classic movie DVDs. I actually saw the original edition of the book "Memoirs Of A Geisha" at HMV and bought it immediately, as that was the edition I have always been looking for. Now, is HMV venturing out into book sales as well?

Now that the year is ending, I start to realise that my perspectives have changed in a matter of ways. Upon looking back, I find that I have done certain things differently as compared to if I have done them in the past.

Perhaps I could have done better in my studies. I used to disagree with my mum for taking good grades and the school one attended as the basis for everything else. Once the results are good, everyone would treat you so well.

I felt so left out in front of all my smart relatives who attended the best schools and have the best grades, so my grandma, parents and all other relatives kept fawning all over them. Whatever they did was right and good, whereas nobody paid any attention to what I did or wanted to do.

Once the results were not up to par, you would be ostracised and left alone. People viewed you as someone stupid who would never make it in life. Now upon looking back, maybe I could have used the time and energy of being resentful to be more focused on my studies, but then how much better could I have done? For the long list of special stream education, gifted education, straight 'A's, top students of top schools, and some top scholars, no matter how well I did it would never be comparable as I would forever be in others' shadows.

But I would have strived to get a higher university education. I used to disbelieve my mum when she told me the importance of a good degree, as I thought she was again judging me on the basis of my results. But now I realise just how true it is. There is such a difference between graduates and non graduates, honours and no honours, first-class honours and second-class honours, post-graduates and mere graduates.

I could have continued law. I used to find it so hard for me since I was struggling with all the theory and aspects and pages after pages of reports, but now I appreciate it so much better. I used to find law interesting, then my interest died after taking it, but the interest is now revived and stronger than before. There is now a tinge of regret on giving up in the past, especially now I feel so inadequate and incompetent in the work I do since my knowledge is but so limited.

I could have considered carefully before entering into any relationship. I realise too late now that a relationship is more than just two persons being interested in each other. There must be commitment and responsibility on both sides to make it work. In every relationship, sometimes love alone is really just not enough.

If there is no commitment or accommodation on both sides and being tolerant of each others' quirks, the love (ie passion) will die sooner or later, and the one that ends up doing more will feel so tired. What I have learnt through the years is that if you really love and are committed to someone, a relationship should not even be tiring or miserable. Being in love should be the happiest and most exciting feeling in the world.

There were so many things I could have done much earlier, like joining the chorus, taking professional voice and dancing lessons, furthering my music education, passing my driving test, taking a post-graduate course, getting baptised. Why did I have to wait until now? Where have all those years gone by, years I have wasted in doing things that ended up meaningless?

So now I have a new goal, which is to really live a life according to how I like it instead of how people want it, and try to complete as many things I want to do before the age of thirty. Only a few more years to go!

Oh, and I will be attending the midnight mass, something I have not done for about five years now. I miss the atmosphere and spiritual environment that is always so abundant during the midnight mass to welcome Christmas. I am really looking forward to it again!

So Happy Holidays to everyone! Have a Merry Merry Christmas and a Happy Happy wonderful Year ahead!

A Rude And Unreasonable Caller

Why do some people not be more gracious when talking over the phone? Some people ought to be taught better telephone manners. As if downright rude and nasty customer service officers are not enough (granted some customers who call in are even more rude and nasty), but when one calls in and look for someone else, the least one can do is to ask politely instead of just screaming into the phone.

Just like today, someone called to ask for my supervisor, and since she was not around, the person asked for another lady, whom I was not sure who she was. I have only been there for a week, and not really introduced to everyone since a lot of the employees are on leave. So I put her on hold and asked my colleague who that lady was, and she answered that the lady in question was not around.

Thus I went back to the caller and said that the lady was not around, and then the person asked for another one of my colleagues. So I said I would have to check out who the person was. And the caller then said, "You mean you don't know?! How come you don't seem to know the people you work with?"

Excuse me?! I know the people I am working with, I just do not know some of the rest of the staff, and it just so happened that the people the caller were looking for happened to be those I did not know!

I told the caller that I am quite new there, since I joined the company only last week. The reply was, "Didn't you get oriented and introduced around? You should know everyone in the company by now."

Can you believe that?! I am not even the big boss or something, who am I to go around asking who everyone is? Of course, I do introduce myself whenever I see someone unfamiliar, but I do not think I have any right to just go around and making myself known to everyone. As if I am not already swarmed with work, now I have to be a receptionist to cater to some idiot's whims and fancies too?

Finally I told the caller that no one was available, and to call back later. The caller was not happy and kept asking for the numbers of the various people so as to call them personally. I then said my company is not in the habit of giving out numbers of the employess, so it would be best to call the reception and ask for these people.

Now I fear I may get into trouble because that person seems nasty enough to lodge a complaint. But if people are unreasonable in the first place, I do not see why I should tolerate that. And it is not as if I screamed over the phone, I believe I spoke rather civilly already.

Totally Swamped .....

Positive : You managed to clear all 200 official e-mails before you left the office yesterday.

Negative : You had another 150 new mails in your inbox first thing in the morning, sent at all hours of the night. (Do people not sleep at all?!)

Double Negative : The moment you started replying one, another 20 more mails came in, and in the end, you spent the whole day replying e-mails without getting much actual work done.

I think I am going to cry soon .....

Winter Solstice

Today is the Mid-Winter Festival, or Winter Solstice celebrations for the Chinese people. Today would be the day when we eat little round dumplings made from dough, stuffed with either sesame or crushed peanuts, and boiled together with a sweet soup. These dumplings are the size of fish balls, not the other type of rice dumplings where we eat during the Mid-Summer Festival, the one that resembles a ketupat or something like that.

I used to think this was only celebrated by people the same dialect as my mum. Since young, we had to go to my maternal grandma’s house for dinner during this time, then she would prepare lots of flour and dough, mostly white and pink, and we kids would roll and knead them into little round balls.

Sometimes we would make cubes, sometimes triangular shapes. We even became so ambitious as to make snowmen or animals, but these fell apart when my grandma put them into the soup, so she had to re-knead them into balls. In recent years, we seem to have stopped doing that, probably because my grandma is already so old and frail.

I really miss those days. It was so fun making the various shapes out of flour! When my Aussie cousins came over, they joined in the fun too. We even did that in Sydney once, two days before Christmas the year we went to spend Christmas at my uncle’s place. Which reminds me, my little cousin just told me last night that my Aussie relatives are not coming this year after all. Oh well…..

Somehow, my paternal side never seem to celebrate this Mid-Winter Festival thing. It had always been my mother’s side of the family, so I thought this idea originated from her ancestors. It was only recently that I discovered that this tradition is honoured by a lot of Chinese people across the board, and they do eat the little round dumplings with the soup.

Those days in my grandma’s place, I would ask for a whole bowl of soup with the pink balls my cousins and I helped to make. So my entire bowl would be pink, and I would eat up the dumplings but drank only a bit of the soup. My grandma would always put a bowl of dumpling soup in front of my late grandpa’s picture to “honour” and “respect” him.

But it is interesting that although Chinese people have our own cultures and traditions, the way the different dialect groups celebrate them are very different. Some dialect groups are more traditional and strict, and will insist on certain things being done before the celebrations can begin.

In my country, there are three major Chinese dialect groups – Hokkien, Cantonese and Teochew. I do not belong to any of the three. My parents are both from more minor dialect groups, thus normally when people try to guess my dialect, they will automatically start with the three main ones, and only get it right after the fourth or fifth time. My mother’s dialect group is worse; no one has ever heard of it unless that person happens to be of the same dialect.

Every dialect has a different form of speech. For someone like me who cannot speak nor understand any dialect (although I can understand both my grandmothers a little), I cannot tell which dialect it is someone is speaking. But once someone speaks my dialect, I can tell at once because it is so rare to find someone speaking that dialect when all over the streets one hears mostly Hokkien or Cantonese.

But because I belong to a minor dialect group, it is sometimes hard to understand what my friends’ grandparents say when they tried to talk to me. Luckily my best friend happens to be of the same dialect group as me, and I guess her grandma likes me so much because I can actually understand what she says.

My first ex is a Hokkien, the other two are Teochew, so I could not understand what their grandmothers say when they tried talking to me. Often my guys had to act as translators, and when they talk to my grandmothers, I had to act as a translator too.

Every dialect group has their own traits. I am not that sure about others, but for my dialect group, ie my father’s people, the trait is that the men are normally very good cooks. My late grandfather could cook very well. So is my uncle, considering he used to own a restaurant. I have another uncle who owns an eating place too. Then how come my father cannot cook at all? The pioneers who came here used to own coffeeshops, and now a lot of coffeeshots that specializes in “kaya toast” are owned by people of my dialect.

Every dialect group has their own specialty cuisine too. Cantonese people thrive on dim sum, whereas the specialty of my dialect is a certain dish that comes with rice cooked in garlic sauce, meat of a certain bird, together with vegetables cooked with oyster sauce, and eaten with red chilli and dark soy sauce. Whenever I tell people my dialect group, they will automatically mention this dish. Anybody want to make a guess?

Every dialect is unique, in speech, in practice, in food, in culture. I do not regret not knowing how to speak, although there are times I feel inadequate when I am not able to understand when people speak in a certain dialect. But at least being of a certain dialect group makes one appreciate better where one came from.

Christmas Concert 2005

As promised, here are the long overdue candid shots from the recent (not so recent) Christmas Concert. I finally had time to upload all the photos. Enjoy the snapshots!

The gorgeous lady

Sexy Mum Number 1

Sexy Mum Number 2

Making up in the girls' dressing room

Warming up in the guys' dressing room

Sexy Mum Number 3

Sexy Mum Number 4

Caught him by surprise!
(I only wanted to take his lilac tie)

The red amongst the black

The Shepherd Boy and 2 Kings
(What happened to the third one?)

What a feast!
(Post-Performance Supper)

Happily eating away

Moving In Or Moving Out?

A few years ago, my mum asked my second ex and me to plan when we would like to get married. She said we have to get a place first, and with which I joked about staying in since I love my room so much. My mum said no way as girls have to leave their homes after marriage. I was just joking anyway, I for one would so love to move out and have my own freedom, space and life.

Nowadays most couples who married got a place of their own. However, with the size and location of those newer flats, it makes me think twice about actually getting a place of my own. The newer estates are so far and inconvenient to get to, and the size of a unit seems to be getting smaller and smaller. In fact, a three-room flat in an old estate may be comparable to the size of a five-room flat in a new estate.

There are also some couples who stay in with the parents. But these are few and far in between, and according to the Chinese tradition, it is always the girl who has to go live with the guy and his parents. Why can it never be the other way round? Why must it always be the girl who has to move out, not the guy?

I have no qualms staying with my in-laws in the future, but there are cases where the couple already decided that the guy is to move in with the girl, yet at the last moment, his parents or grandparents protested and the girl ended up moving in with the guy. For the Malays (or Muslims), it is the guy who moves in with the girl since the guy is supposed to take care of the girl’s family like his own.

Is it such a big deal where they live anyway? Does it matter whether the guy moves out and moves into the girl's family, or the girl moves out and moves into the guy's family? Ultimately it is the lives and the decision of the couple, so should others even interfere on where they want to live?

Perhaps it is due to the old traditional way of thinking that girls are worthless and once they married, they no longer belong to the family since they are part of the husband's family, and that guys are the ones that carry on the family line since all the children have to bear the guy's surname. Which is also another thing I do not understand - must it be by default always the father's surname, never the mother's surname or a double-barrelled surname?

But what is so wrong with a guy moving into the girl's family anyway as long as both parties agree on it? Just moving in with the girl does not necessarily mean a name change or whatever. Rather, the girl still has to change her name when she marries. At every wedding celebration, once the couple has been solemnized, it is always “Mr and Mrs [the guy’s name]”, never once the girl’s name.

I am already prepared to move out when I get married anyway. I believe once you get married, it is to live a new life together with someone else who will share your life. I do not mind even moving in with my in-laws, although my friends caution me against that. They told me it is best to move out on our own, because no matter how nice the in-laws treat me before marriage, things will change after marriage.

My friends told me that before marriage, you are considered a guest, so they will treat you politely and warmly. But after marriage, you are considered family, so as a family member, people tend to be more intolerant on certain issues. And as long as you are in someone else’s house, you always have to succumb to their house rules. So it is best to just have your own place where you can do whatever you like.

Somehow mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws do not seem to get along well together. Strangely, son-in-laws never seem to have any problems with their wives’ parents. My married friends and cousins are all like that. They still see their parents so many times a week, but not as much their in-laws.

Even for my mum, she has an amicable relationship with my paternal grandmother and treats her with respect. She was the one who asked my dad to bring her here to live with us. But other than that, she does not really talk much to my grandmother, even though she has been married to my dad for close to thirty years. Yet she is so chummy with her own mother and talks to her about anything.

Maybe another reason why it is frowned upon for guys to move in with the girls is that mothers tend to be more protective over the sons (how true that is, I am not sure). After all, in a lot of cases, mother-in-laws create trouble for the daughter-in-laws just so she will not lose her authority over the son just because he is married. Thus if her son is staying under her roof, she can still exercise her control.

But whatever reason it is, ultimately it is up to the couple to settle their own housing themselves. Each set of parents should not interfere in the final decision on where they want to stay in the end.

Wedding Observations ....

After having been to quite a number of (and coordinated a few) weddings, I have observed that no matter how different people are, the way they want their wedddings to be are mostly the same - something grand, joyous, public, and with lots of toasting. So far, I have never come across one wedding that is simple and private with just the solemnisation and a small reception for the family and real close friends. The weddings I have attended are mostly pretty big affairs, fit for a gala of some sort. And as expected, most guests invited for the dinner are more the parents' guests than those of the wedding couple.

I always like church weddings the best. Solemn, sincere, and a beautiful moment for the wedding couple. And the people you invite are actually people you know, not business associates or long-lost friends of your parents. Chinese wedding dinners are big affairs, but people buy about fifty tables, of which more than half consist of people you do not know. If the couple happen to have a big family, like my friend who got married a few years back, whose father has fifteen siblings and that side of the family already took up about five tables or so, not counting the rest of the extended family on her mother's side plus her husband's family, then sometimes big affairs are unavoidable.

My point is that if one is to get married and organise a wedding dinner, then the number of tables ordered should correspond to the actual number of people the bride and groom know, not people only their parents know. After all, it is the couple's big day, so technically they are the ones who have the rights to choose who they like to invite to share the day with, not anybody else.

In a typical Chinese wedding, the groom will go to the bride's place, where he and his "brothers" will be locked outside and ragged by the "sisters". The groom has to do a series of tests and then he will have to give a big red packet to the "sisters". The tests can range from soemthing harmless to something wild, all in the name of fun and banter. This is to show how determined the groom is to marry the bride. The tradition is that if the groom really wants to marry the bride, he will be willing to go through all the hurdles just to receive her.

Then the couple will proceed with the tea ceremony for the bride's family, by serving tea to the elders, which encompasses grandparents, parents, immediate uncles, aunts, elder siblings, and for some, elder cousins as well. The younger siblings (and for some, younger cousins) will then have to greet the couple as part of the welcoming for the addition of a new family member.

After that, the couple, together with their "brothers" and "sisters" will proceed to the groom's place and have the tea ceremony for his family. Then, they will either go to their new place for lunch, or go straight to the hotel where the wedding reception will be held. They can then rest and relax the rest of the day until the dinner banquet. For couples who are church-goers, their church ceremony will normally be after lunch. Guests will go straight to the church themselves. After the ceremony, the couple will then proceed to the hotel as above until the banquet.

The dinner is normally a nine-course dinner. Guests will sit down and wait for course after course to arrive. There is hardly any mingling around. Some couples have cocktail receptions before the dinner, where guests can mingle around. The bride and groom will then exit and enter about three times, depending on how many gown changes the bride has. The most number of changes I have ever seen is three - the normal wedding gown for the grand entrance, and two more gowns for the different march-in times, plus an additional different cocktail gown for the pre-dinner cocktail reception.

The first march-in will be the grand entrance, before the first dish was served. The second march-in will be after the third course, where the couple will then toast champagne and all the "brothers" will shout out loud to join in the toasting. After that, there will be photo-taking sessions where the couple will go to table and table and take pictures with the guests. If there is another march-in (ie another gown change), normally the next march-in will be where the "brothers" and "sisters" start ragging the couple, otherwise it will be dancing or singing where the couple will lead. Then the couple, together with their parents, will stand at the doorway just after the last dish was served to greet the guests goodbye.

But one thing about a Chinese wedding is that people are normally late. And the sad thing is that it is mostly the relatives or family members that are late, not the friends. Most friends will actually show more respect by turning up early or on time. In most cases, wedding dinners start late due to the place still being half-full because most of the relatives have not arrived. And these relatives expect that the couple wait for them because they are elders.

Just like yesterday, my friend wanted to have the tea ceremony at the restaurant at 5:30pm. Her relatives kept calling her and asked if they could postpone the tea ceremony to 7:30pm instead (which was the time for the dinner) since it was a big rush for them. Then there were other relatives who requested for this and that for her wedding.

Who is the one getting married? My friend of course! So she and her groom should be the only ones to decide what time to schedule for things and what they want their wedding to be like, and who they want to invite. Who are others to make so many comments on others' weddings? My friend has already planned out everything and confirmed everything, how can others just request for things at the last moment?

In most cases, it is normally the parents who insist on a big banquet, so they can invite everyone they know and show off that their kid is getting married. And these people will turn up for the "free" food despite not knowing the wedding couple personally. Thus in a lot of cases, the couple's hands are tied, as they have to choose between having the type of wedding they like, or going along with their parents' wishes since their parents brought them up and some offer to pay for the wedding dinner. Often than not, the latter prevail.

If it is my wedding, it will be solely what my groom and I have planned out - the schedule, the venue, the day, the activities, the people. Elders or not, no one has the right to make comments about my wedding. And elders or not, once they are late, I will start at the stated time. Since they do not want to show enough respect to me, I should think they do not deserve my respect as well. The bottomline is it is my big day, so everything should be going according to how my groom and I have planned and organised, not for some flukes to force their opinions on us.

The wedding I find most memorable is the one which I attended in Sydney. My cousin's wedding is the typical Western style (except with the little tea ceremony in between, after the church ceremony and before the dinner). They relaxed in the morning, went to the church at the required time in the afternoon and the bride marched in with photo-taking on location. Then dinner is at a restaurant overlooking the harbour.

There is a balcony where we had cocktails and finger food. The menu was a Western menu with alternative choices of food as well as red and white wine. There was no change of gown, but there were speeches by both the bride's and groom's fathers, the groom and the best men. After the speeches there was ballroom dancing led by the couple and everyone else could join in the dance. The banquet ended off with dancing. All those who were invited were either immediate family members or friends of either the bride or groom or both. The best thing was that everyone arrived early or on time and everything could start on time according to schedule.

That was one wedding I really enjoyed. Something classy, yet not totally extravagant. Something with lots of fun, music, wining, dining, singing and dancing. Something where all the guests know other people and can mingle around with each other. Something where people really share in your joy, instead of just going for the sake of eating and scooting off after that. Something where the people invited at least showed some respect to the couple in question. Now that is one wedding to remember.

Inter-Racial Marriages

The wedding is finally over, whew! (Hahaha, sounds like my own wedding right, yeah, dream on!) So my roller coaster week has drawn to a close. Now I can look forward to a great Christmas, which as of now, I do not seem to have any plans even with the long weekend coming up. My friends are either spending time with their other halves, or back to their countries for the holidays, or overseas with their friends or families.

It was a real glorious day yesterday for a wedding. The traffic was smooth, the weather was just right - not too hot and not rainy. Even with outdoor location shots, we did not feel too hot or stuffy with our formal wear. What a pity I did not manage to take some shots since I was busy helping the bride out with all the little nitty-gritty details.

It was an interesting event because the groom is from overseas. It was a typical Chinese wedding, but they will be going to the groom's country to hold the ceremony according to his tradition. This is the first time I witnessed a wedding where the couple are of different races, religions and nationalities (Indonesian Chinese weddings do not count, since they are still the typical Chinese way, and my cousin's wedding in Australia did not count as well, since both are Australians).

Some time ago, during one of the Sunday mass sermons, one priest was commenting on how inter-racial marriages will never last because two people brought up in different cultures will find it very hard to stay together, as Chinese people have their way of doing things, Caucasians have their own way, Indians have their own way, Malays have their own way, etc.

He was preaching on this issue because of the recent divorce cases and he had to counsel a few victims of failed marriages, where most married outside their race. I found him a tad too insensitive at that point in time because there just happened to be a couple where the husband happened to be an Indian-Eurasian and the wife happened to be a Chinese standing near the altar. Just imagine how they would feel when he said that.

I have come across inter-racial marriages who work. I grew up with friends who are Eurasians or from mixed marriages. I have friends who married outside their race too and are as happy as everyone else. Where there is true love, I guess race does not really matter.

Christians per se are more open-minded about this issue. They do not mind marrying out of their race as long as the other party is of the same religion. Some Muslims, too, do not mind marrying someone from another race as long as the other party is of the same religion. Rather, I find those more conservative Chinese who have no religion more against mixed marriages. Their children must never marry outside their race.

Then there are also some who converted their religion just to marry the one they love. There are Christians from other denominations becoming Catholics, Catholics becoming Protestants, Buddhists becoming Christians, Christians becoming Muslims, etc. The bottom line is, once these people are sure that the other party is the one for them, they will go all out to do whatever they can to be with the person.

I am not against mixed marriages. In fact, I admire couples in inter-racial marriages, because they overcame prejudices, cultural differences, religious conflict (in some cases), parental disapproval and, in some extreme cases, being ostracised by the society, just to be together. These could probably be the love that lasts a lifetime, since they have overcame problems much more pronounced.

However, somehow the guys I fell for all happened to be of the same race as me. Perhaps that is just my preference then what type of people I like? After all, I believe most of us have our own preferences. I have girl friends who only like Caucasians, and I have guy friends who only like Koreans.

The bride and groom yesterday are both in their mid to late thirties, and to be able to find someone at that point in time, it is already a chance in a million, thus to them, race, religion, cultural differences and distance do not matter. Perhaps younger people are just more choosy. Maybe when I am still unattached at that age, my perspective will then change, who knows?

Chinese Parents Vs Foreign Parents

The friend's place we went to yesterday is a detached house in District 10, one of the expatriate areas. She is an expatriate's wife, and her house is really quaint and cosy, a typical colonial-style house with a big garden behind, a gardening shed, and a patio which opens up into a swimming pool-cum-jacuzzi. If I have a house like this, I will never think of moving out!

I have been after my dad to get a pool installed at our backyard ever since we moved in, but he kept refusing. Yet when my brother asked for the pool table, he agreed immediately. Sometimes one just cannot understand why parents favour one kid over another one.

My friend's kids are really well-mannered and well-behaved. Her maid was off, and since she had to entertain us last night, they ordered a few pizzas for dinner. Her kids went to help prepare salad without even needing to be asked. And when her son wanted a second helping, he actually asked permission first and when the permission was given, he only took a mouthful. It is not as if her son is still a little kid, he is already twenty years old.

My brothers will never do that. They will take all the food they like and then leave very little for everyone else. And they will never ask for permission to take second helpings; they will just go help themselves. As long as they are full or it is the dish they like, they are not concerned even if others are not full or like the dish.

When her husband brought the children out after dinner, the kids actually came up to us one by one and said goodbye and that it was nice to meet us. I am really impressed! When I organised a party at my place, my brother just hid in his room and refused to come out to mingle or talk to anyone, except when he wanted to eat something. When my friends left, he did not come down to greet them or whatsoever.

And since my friend's car was being decorated, her son took the initiative to call a cab for the family. The father only needed to tell them the time they need to leave and all the children got ready and waiting. My brothers would never follow the timing my mum gave. Often, she had to scream at them a few times to get ready before they finally obliged, albeit with an irritated look that she was being too controlling again.

I examine the difference between the Western upbringing and Eastern upbringing, and I must say, I am really impressed with the Western way of upbringing of the children, at least in my friend's case (and also in some of my relatives' case who are brought up the Western way). Westerners do not really smack their kids a lot, they try to reason, yet these kids (at least the ones I know) turn out better.

My parents with all their Chinese traditional way of upbringing using the cane and not mincing words and insults, somehow why are we not as well-brought-up as others? I grew up distancing myself from my parents because they put me down in whatever I wanted to do, and even now, my mum still wants to control what I do at times.

My parents never really caned my youngest brother and let him get away with all the disrespect he shows me or them in the way he behaves, and he grows up thinking the world of himself and everyone must cater to his wishes. My first brother got more beatings than him (although I am still the one that got the worst end of the stick), and he, too, grew up distancing himself from my parents.

If you remember the post on good parenting which I wrote a while back, you will recall that I wonder exactly what good parenting is. I have seen what good parenting is, in my friend's case. She did discipline by occasional smacks, mostly reasoning and with plenty of love-showing, and her kids are all so well-behaved. Some parents believe in caning, talking down, being in control and not comfortable with showing love, and the kids turn out otherwise.

A friend recommended me to watch "Frequency", which he says it shows good parenting in the main character on his treatment of his son. I have already ordered the DVD from another friend who imports DVDs pretty often. The DVD has arrived actually. However, he is back in Malaysia now so I have to wait until after Christmas or next year to get the disc from him. Perhaps after I watch the show I can truly understand what good parenting is like. Meanwhile, I hope that I can bring up my future children like how my friend brought up her kids - so well-mannered and well-behaved. The type of children every parent like to have.

Promises Are Meant To Be Broken?

Some friends and I are coordinating a wedding for our mutual friend. The big day is tomorrow, and my kind supervisor has allowed me time off since I gave my word few months before already that I will help her out for the day. Thus, by hook or by crook, I will turn up for the wedding since I already promised her.

Yesterday evening we met at one of the "sister"'s house to help in making corsages, hand bouquets, car decoration and practising for the songs we will be singing in dedication to the wedding couple. My friend the bride coordinator ran through the entire schedule for us. So by the time we actually finished everything, it was already past midnight.

Actually my friend was only supposed to be the Chinese Master of Ceremonies, but because the original coordinator pulled out, she had to take over everything. So she had to write the speech, organise the procedure, email us the scores, came to my place to use the CD-burner (and in the end wasted her time as my burner malfunctioned) and run through the whole thing with us on what time we bridesmaids are supposed to reach the bride's home, and what time the best men are supposed to pick up the groom.

So since there are so many of us, why was she the one doing everything? The reason being a lot of people who promised to help one by one pulled out at the last minute. As a result, there was a lot of miscommunication and even as at yesterday, a lot of details were still unsettled. If I had known the outcome, I would have helped my friend out since I had coordinated weddings before, but I did not know how messy everything was until Saturday itself, and by then, there was hardly time to really do much.

A lot of things went wrong, like the English Master of Ceremonies pulled out at the last minute, so we had to get another friend to replace, and he only knew of it yesterday. Then some guests are not able to turn up despite confirming, and there will be some empty seats since it is too late to ask anyone else. I really pity the poor bride who must be really stressed up.

Things like this make one very frustrated at times. No doubt we are not being officially paid, although I believe my friend will give us a gratuity for helping her out, but if one has made a promise, then one should try the best to keep the promise. Of course sometimes unforeseen circumstances are understandable, but in which case should inform earlier rather than not communicating and waiting for everyone to find out at the last minute. Unless one gets really ill that day, then of course that cannot be helped.

I always believe that if you already made a promise to do something, then do it. If you really cannot, at least have the courtesy to inform as soon as possible. This is not just on the wedding coordination of my friend, but also on a lot of things I have experienced before, with my friends and boyfriends. There are some people who really go all out to keep their promises and even go the extra mile, but there are some who do not bother keeping promises at all.

There are minor promises (which are like a mere meeting up for a meal) or major promises (which the most major can be the pledge of eternity in a marriage vow), but as long as it is a promise, by right, one should try to honour them as best he can. Promises are not to be taken lightly or just cast aside, which is why it is called a "promise" and not just a mere "word".

My ex used to say that minor promises do not matter. But as someone who may need to live with the guy in the future, my opinion as a girlfriend is that if the guy cannot even keep a minor promise and do little things, how can I have the faith and confidence that he can keep a major promise and do something bigger? Then if I have no faith and confidence in him, how can I then promise to stay with him and depend on him as a future head of the house?

My second ex used to get very angry with people who could not keep their promises. He was so against this that even with unforeseen circumstances, he would blow it out of proportion once someone went back on a word. Like when I was supposed to meet his extended family for the first time, I fell ill on that day and told him I could not meet up, and he screamed at me until in the end I still went to meet them despite having flu.

There are people who are more intolerant of promises being broken, so it all depends on how flexible people are. I am of the type that gets frustrated if people do not fulfil what they promised me, but I do understand if there are unforeseen things. I will not scream or lash out, although I will appreciate if people at least let me know if the promise cannot be fulfilled. This is just basic courtesy.