Why do relationships fail? Why and when does love end? Some questions which a lot of my friends and I have been trying to answer. When things do not work out, is it the fault of one party or both? Can there be one person who is more at fault, or can there be one who is totally at fault, or are both just equally at fault?
People who are attached or married will tell you it is definitely not easy to keep a relationship going. Love is never straight-forward or simple. But when do people determine it is time to end and why must it end in the first place? Do these people just want to choose the easy way out and give up rather than trying to make things work out? How would they know things will not work out in the end? In retrospect, how would they know things will work out ultimately?
Love is uncertain and unpredictable. I learnt this the hard way, a very hard way. When you think everything is going well, all of a sudden things may take an unexpected turn. Did I let that happen? Up to know I still do not know. Would I have foreseen and prevented it? That I do not know as well. Even if I have foreseen it, could I have done anything to prevent it from happening? I really have no idea.
I reflect on my own experiences and wonder if I have done my best or I could have done better. Or have I been totally at fault in the first place? Were the guys I have been with just the wrong choices I made, or is it just me that drove them away?
I think of the number of sacrifices I have made and wonder if I should have done that. Not that I regret sacrificing for love, but as one ages, one's perspective of love and relationships change. When I was still just a teenager, I thought love means the ultimate self-sacrifice (actually even now, I still believe in that to a certain extent, but a line has to be drawn). But now, I believe that love and relationship means commitment to each other, sacrifice on each other's part, equality (ie treating each other as equals) and devotion to each other. This should be done by both parties, not just by one.
With my first guy, I did everything he asked. Whenever he called me over to his place, I had to be there, even though it would take me an hour to reach his place. Whenever he wanted to come to my place, I had to bring him over, even if that might be an inconvenient time for my family. He talked to my parents about my upbringing, saying that I was just an unpolished jade who still needed more cutting and grinding before I become something of beauty. He even wanted to bring the Bible and read to my parents but that I stopped him.
I really lost myself then. He put me down on everything - my height, my looks, my complexion, my studies, my intellect, my interests, my family, my outlook on life. I fell out with my parents, stopped practising music (as he said I had no talent), gave up a music composition competition which I was chosen for, pulled out of a music performance competition (as he said it would be an embarrassment - and that was the last year I could take part as the following year I would be too old for it), even almost falling out with my friends just because he did not like them and they did not like him. He almost made me give up singing too.
When the relationship ended, was it my fault then? Have I not tried enough or have I tried too much? Did I drive him away? No doubt he was the one who left me for someone "better and more perfect" so to speak, but was I totally blameless in this respect? Could I have done something to prevent?
When I was with my second guy, things were a little better, but still, I had to cater to his schedule and his temperaments. When he was free, I had to make myself free, even if that meant rescheduling a lot of things and losing sleep in order ot meet deadlines. When he wanted to go somewhere, I had to go with him. But when I wanted to go somewhere, he would not want to just because he was not in the mood or he felt it inconvenient. But when I was free and he was busy, he was not willing to make himself free. I had to be around whenever he needed me, but he found it a chore to lend me a listening ear whenever I needed.
When this ended, was it my fault as well? Should I have accommodated him more? Should I have prevented things from happening? Was it my fault that he strayed? I cannot help it if I was born to look like what I look like. Should I be blamed then for not being able to get the guys' attention and loyalty just because I am not good-looking or elegant or tall or fair enough?
I feel so sorry for my third guy, as he was the only one I ever wanted to end things with on my own accord. After being dumped twice in a row, I never thought I would ever dump anyone as I did not wish for anyone to go through what I went through.
But when I heard how my friend broke up with her ex because she felt he was just like a brother to her, I started thinking on whether my feelings for him were really love or just a friendly feeling. Then I realise that he was getting more and more like a brother to me - a younger brother. I see a lot of my youngest brother in him - the same lame jokes, the same frivolity, the same self-centredness, the same attitude that says the whole world must cater to him. I began to think if I really wanted to be with someone like this. As if one brother to take care of is not enough. I do not want a relationship where I constantly have to "mother" someone.
I had to be the one who reminded him of his schedule and things he needed to do, the one who planned where we went and what we wanted to do (and constantly getting shelved just because his parents wanted to go somewhere else or do something else), and still got told off for doing things. Like when I wanted to organise a birthday chalet for him, I booked the place, invited all his friends, then at the last moment, he was held up with work and could not make it. I cancelled the whole thing, called all his friends about the change of plans, and at the end of the whole thing, he asked me why bother doing all these since he never asked for it in the first place? That was all I got for all I did - a reprimand?!
Another time at his birthday I specially ordered a cake, wanting to give him a surprise, and let his parents in on it so they could be prepared. The next thing I knew, his mother called the cake shop, changing whatever I ordered without informing me. His mother told him about the cake she booked, and when he told me about what happened, I felt so betrayed. After a while, I felt that whatever he expected me to do was exactly what his mother had been doing for him - fussing over him, reminding him of his schedule, ensuring his entire well-being. After a while, the relationship just became too tiring for me. I do not want to be somebody's mother (unless I am a mother to my own kids), but somebody's girlfriend, wife, companion, somebody I can spend my life with as equals.
So when this ended, was it my fault then? Was I being heartless by wanting to call it off (but in the end the opposite happened anyway)? Should I have held on and compromise and make things better? Would it have worked out if I gave it more time, and perhaps give him a little more time to "grow up" so to speak? But how long would that be? Would it be worth the wait even?
Up to now, I still cannot fully answer why my relationships failed. My parents think it is my fault for not trying hard enough, but I daresay I have really tried everything in my power to keep the relationships going. But what was the use if I was the only one making the effort to make things work out if the other party just kept taking everything for granted? Or perhaps it was the way I handled the situations - not fighting hard enough to keep the guys.
People who are attached or married will tell you it is definitely not easy to keep a relationship going. Love is never straight-forward or simple. But when do people determine it is time to end and why must it end in the first place? Do these people just want to choose the easy way out and give up rather than trying to make things work out? How would they know things will not work out in the end? In retrospect, how would they know things will work out ultimately?
Love is uncertain and unpredictable. I learnt this the hard way, a very hard way. When you think everything is going well, all of a sudden things may take an unexpected turn. Did I let that happen? Up to know I still do not know. Would I have foreseen and prevented it? That I do not know as well. Even if I have foreseen it, could I have done anything to prevent it from happening? I really have no idea.
I reflect on my own experiences and wonder if I have done my best or I could have done better. Or have I been totally at fault in the first place? Were the guys I have been with just the wrong choices I made, or is it just me that drove them away?
I think of the number of sacrifices I have made and wonder if I should have done that. Not that I regret sacrificing for love, but as one ages, one's perspective of love and relationships change. When I was still just a teenager, I thought love means the ultimate self-sacrifice (actually even now, I still believe in that to a certain extent, but a line has to be drawn). But now, I believe that love and relationship means commitment to each other, sacrifice on each other's part, equality (ie treating each other as equals) and devotion to each other. This should be done by both parties, not just by one.
With my first guy, I did everything he asked. Whenever he called me over to his place, I had to be there, even though it would take me an hour to reach his place. Whenever he wanted to come to my place, I had to bring him over, even if that might be an inconvenient time for my family. He talked to my parents about my upbringing, saying that I was just an unpolished jade who still needed more cutting and grinding before I become something of beauty. He even wanted to bring the Bible and read to my parents but that I stopped him.
I really lost myself then. He put me down on everything - my height, my looks, my complexion, my studies, my intellect, my interests, my family, my outlook on life. I fell out with my parents, stopped practising music (as he said I had no talent), gave up a music composition competition which I was chosen for, pulled out of a music performance competition (as he said it would be an embarrassment - and that was the last year I could take part as the following year I would be too old for it), even almost falling out with my friends just because he did not like them and they did not like him. He almost made me give up singing too.
When the relationship ended, was it my fault then? Have I not tried enough or have I tried too much? Did I drive him away? No doubt he was the one who left me for someone "better and more perfect" so to speak, but was I totally blameless in this respect? Could I have done something to prevent?
When I was with my second guy, things were a little better, but still, I had to cater to his schedule and his temperaments. When he was free, I had to make myself free, even if that meant rescheduling a lot of things and losing sleep in order ot meet deadlines. When he wanted to go somewhere, I had to go with him. But when I wanted to go somewhere, he would not want to just because he was not in the mood or he felt it inconvenient. But when I was free and he was busy, he was not willing to make himself free. I had to be around whenever he needed me, but he found it a chore to lend me a listening ear whenever I needed.
When this ended, was it my fault as well? Should I have accommodated him more? Should I have prevented things from happening? Was it my fault that he strayed? I cannot help it if I was born to look like what I look like. Should I be blamed then for not being able to get the guys' attention and loyalty just because I am not good-looking or elegant or tall or fair enough?
I feel so sorry for my third guy, as he was the only one I ever wanted to end things with on my own accord. After being dumped twice in a row, I never thought I would ever dump anyone as I did not wish for anyone to go through what I went through.
But when I heard how my friend broke up with her ex because she felt he was just like a brother to her, I started thinking on whether my feelings for him were really love or just a friendly feeling. Then I realise that he was getting more and more like a brother to me - a younger brother. I see a lot of my youngest brother in him - the same lame jokes, the same frivolity, the same self-centredness, the same attitude that says the whole world must cater to him. I began to think if I really wanted to be with someone like this. As if one brother to take care of is not enough. I do not want a relationship where I constantly have to "mother" someone.
I had to be the one who reminded him of his schedule and things he needed to do, the one who planned where we went and what we wanted to do (and constantly getting shelved just because his parents wanted to go somewhere else or do something else), and still got told off for doing things. Like when I wanted to organise a birthday chalet for him, I booked the place, invited all his friends, then at the last moment, he was held up with work and could not make it. I cancelled the whole thing, called all his friends about the change of plans, and at the end of the whole thing, he asked me why bother doing all these since he never asked for it in the first place? That was all I got for all I did - a reprimand?!
Another time at his birthday I specially ordered a cake, wanting to give him a surprise, and let his parents in on it so they could be prepared. The next thing I knew, his mother called the cake shop, changing whatever I ordered without informing me. His mother told him about the cake she booked, and when he told me about what happened, I felt so betrayed. After a while, I felt that whatever he expected me to do was exactly what his mother had been doing for him - fussing over him, reminding him of his schedule, ensuring his entire well-being. After a while, the relationship just became too tiring for me. I do not want to be somebody's mother (unless I am a mother to my own kids), but somebody's girlfriend, wife, companion, somebody I can spend my life with as equals.
So when this ended, was it my fault then? Was I being heartless by wanting to call it off (but in the end the opposite happened anyway)? Should I have held on and compromise and make things better? Would it have worked out if I gave it more time, and perhaps give him a little more time to "grow up" so to speak? But how long would that be? Would it be worth the wait even?
Up to now, I still cannot fully answer why my relationships failed. My parents think it is my fault for not trying hard enough, but I daresay I have really tried everything in my power to keep the relationships going. But what was the use if I was the only one making the effort to make things work out if the other party just kept taking everything for granted? Or perhaps it was the way I handled the situations - not fighting hard enough to keep the guys.
2 comments:
You have done nothing wrong.
Just be yourself.
I'm sure you will find him someday. =)
Thanks!
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