A few years ago, my mum asked my second ex and me to plan when we would like to get married. She said we have to get a place first, and with which I joked about staying in since I love my room so much. My mum said no way as girls have to leave their homes after marriage. I was just joking anyway, I for one would so love to move out and have my own freedom, space and life.
Nowadays most couples who married got a place of their own. However, with the size and location of those newer flats, it makes me think twice about actually getting a place of my own. The newer estates are so far and inconvenient to get to, and the size of a unit seems to be getting smaller and smaller. In fact, a three-room flat in an old estate may be comparable to the size of a five-room flat in a new estate.
There are also some couples who stay in with the parents. But these are few and far in between, and according to the Chinese tradition, it is always the girl who has to go live with the guy and his parents. Why can it never be the other way round? Why must it always be the girl who has to move out, not the guy?
I have no qualms staying with my in-laws in the future, but there are cases where the couple already decided that the guy is to move in with the girl, yet at the last moment, his parents or grandparents protested and the girl ended up moving in with the guy. For the Malays (or Muslims), it is the guy who moves in with the girl since the guy is supposed to take care of the girl’s family like his own.
Is it such a big deal where they live anyway? Does it matter whether the guy moves out and moves into the girl's family, or the girl moves out and moves into the guy's family? Ultimately it is the lives and the decision of the couple, so should others even interfere on where they want to live?
Perhaps it is due to the old traditional way of thinking that girls are worthless and once they married, they no longer belong to the family since they are part of the husband's family, and that guys are the ones that carry on the family line since all the children have to bear the guy's surname. Which is also another thing I do not understand - must it be by default always the father's surname, never the mother's surname or a double-barrelled surname?
But what is so wrong with a guy moving into the girl's family anyway as long as both parties agree on it? Just moving in with the girl does not necessarily mean a name change or whatever. Rather, the girl still has to change her name when she marries. At every wedding celebration, once the couple has been solemnized, it is always “Mr and Mrs [the guy’s name]”, never once the girl’s name.
I am already prepared to move out when I get married anyway. I believe once you get married, it is to live a new life together with someone else who will share your life. I do not mind even moving in with my in-laws, although my friends caution me against that. They told me it is best to move out on our own, because no matter how nice the in-laws treat me before marriage, things will change after marriage.
My friends told me that before marriage, you are considered a guest, so they will treat you politely and warmly. But after marriage, you are considered family, so as a family member, people tend to be more intolerant on certain issues. And as long as you are in someone else’s house, you always have to succumb to their house rules. So it is best to just have your own place where you can do whatever you like.
Somehow mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws do not seem to get along well together. Strangely, son-in-laws never seem to have any problems with their wives’ parents. My married friends and cousins are all like that. They still see their parents so many times a week, but not as much their in-laws.
Even for my mum, she has an amicable relationship with my paternal grandmother and treats her with respect. She was the one who asked my dad to bring her here to live with us. But other than that, she does not really talk much to my grandmother, even though she has been married to my dad for close to thirty years. Yet she is so chummy with her own mother and talks to her about anything.
Maybe another reason why it is frowned upon for guys to move in with the girls is that mothers tend to be more protective over the sons (how true that is, I am not sure). After all, in a lot of cases, mother-in-laws create trouble for the daughter-in-laws just so she will not lose her authority over the son just because he is married. Thus if her son is staying under her roof, she can still exercise her control.
But whatever reason it is, ultimately it is up to the couple to settle their own housing themselves. Each set of parents should not interfere in the final decision on where they want to stay in the end.
Nowadays most couples who married got a place of their own. However, with the size and location of those newer flats, it makes me think twice about actually getting a place of my own. The newer estates are so far and inconvenient to get to, and the size of a unit seems to be getting smaller and smaller. In fact, a three-room flat in an old estate may be comparable to the size of a five-room flat in a new estate.
There are also some couples who stay in with the parents. But these are few and far in between, and according to the Chinese tradition, it is always the girl who has to go live with the guy and his parents. Why can it never be the other way round? Why must it always be the girl who has to move out, not the guy?
I have no qualms staying with my in-laws in the future, but there are cases where the couple already decided that the guy is to move in with the girl, yet at the last moment, his parents or grandparents protested and the girl ended up moving in with the guy. For the Malays (or Muslims), it is the guy who moves in with the girl since the guy is supposed to take care of the girl’s family like his own.
Is it such a big deal where they live anyway? Does it matter whether the guy moves out and moves into the girl's family, or the girl moves out and moves into the guy's family? Ultimately it is the lives and the decision of the couple, so should others even interfere on where they want to live?
Perhaps it is due to the old traditional way of thinking that girls are worthless and once they married, they no longer belong to the family since they are part of the husband's family, and that guys are the ones that carry on the family line since all the children have to bear the guy's surname. Which is also another thing I do not understand - must it be by default always the father's surname, never the mother's surname or a double-barrelled surname?
But what is so wrong with a guy moving into the girl's family anyway as long as both parties agree on it? Just moving in with the girl does not necessarily mean a name change or whatever. Rather, the girl still has to change her name when she marries. At every wedding celebration, once the couple has been solemnized, it is always “Mr and Mrs [the guy’s name]”, never once the girl’s name.
I am already prepared to move out when I get married anyway. I believe once you get married, it is to live a new life together with someone else who will share your life. I do not mind even moving in with my in-laws, although my friends caution me against that. They told me it is best to move out on our own, because no matter how nice the in-laws treat me before marriage, things will change after marriage.
My friends told me that before marriage, you are considered a guest, so they will treat you politely and warmly. But after marriage, you are considered family, so as a family member, people tend to be more intolerant on certain issues. And as long as you are in someone else’s house, you always have to succumb to their house rules. So it is best to just have your own place where you can do whatever you like.
Somehow mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws do not seem to get along well together. Strangely, son-in-laws never seem to have any problems with their wives’ parents. My married friends and cousins are all like that. They still see their parents so many times a week, but not as much their in-laws.
Even for my mum, she has an amicable relationship with my paternal grandmother and treats her with respect. She was the one who asked my dad to bring her here to live with us. But other than that, she does not really talk much to my grandmother, even though she has been married to my dad for close to thirty years. Yet she is so chummy with her own mother and talks to her about anything.
Maybe another reason why it is frowned upon for guys to move in with the girls is that mothers tend to be more protective over the sons (how true that is, I am not sure). After all, in a lot of cases, mother-in-laws create trouble for the daughter-in-laws just so she will not lose her authority over the son just because he is married. Thus if her son is staying under her roof, she can still exercise her control.
But whatever reason it is, ultimately it is up to the couple to settle their own housing themselves. Each set of parents should not interfere in the final decision on where they want to stay in the end.
2 comments:
The Society in general is a paternal culture. Hence guys gets to keep their family names as they are the (or were) the main Breadwinner, and still expected to do so in many places.
A guy might be willing to take the name of his wife's family. But he might be ostracized by his own family, and even the society.
Nowadays there are females who keep their name as Ms. even though they are married, and some kept their surname, but 'upgraded' the Ms. to Mdm.
And while we are at that, why can't guys be a househusband? If you want him to take the gal's family name, the gal might as well be the sole Breadwinner.
As I mmentioned, this is up to the couple to settle among themselves. As long as they are happy with their decision that's all that matters.
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