Count down to 2006, three more days to be exact, starting from now. New Year's Day, followed by Chinese New Year, then Valentine's Day. And Valentine's season normally corresponds with the "Romancing Singapore" campaign.
For the past few years, every February to March there will be some sort of a Love Fest called "Romancing Singapore". This month-long thing includes songs and dances of love, advertisements and articles on love and family, and various special promotions on government and corporate matchmaking agencies. This campaign was started due to the government's movement on helping people find love and to settle down early and start a family.
These efforts are commendable because our local government is actually concerned enough for its people not to let them die of loneliness in their old age. Or is it they are just concerned about the decrease in birth rate and population, and worried that there will not be enough smart young generation to take over the ageing population?
It is one thing spreading all these messages around, but it is another thing changing people's mentalities altogether. In general, a lot of Singapore guys still think Singapore girls will not look at them as long as they are not rich, handsome or whatsoever. Then there are other Singapore guys who only crave for sexual attention and think girls should oblige.
There are yet other Singapore guys who think the local girls are too out-spoken and domineering. Thus they all look for other pleasures outside the country, where some women from other countries are dying to marry into Singapore society just so they and their families can have a better life.
What about Singapore girls? It is a growing concern among local ladies that it is getting harder and harder to find a real nice, decent, educated, smart and responsible local guy all rolled in one, especially since all these guys are most likely to be snatched up long before. Thus local girls also look for other pleasures, and marry foreigners, whom they deem as good and decent, and not shallow, uncouth and chauvinistic like some of the local guys.
But nowadays it really seems harder and harder to find the right one for oneself. I seriously wonder why my parents' generation (and above) seemed to have it so easy. Government and media messages can preach about finding love and promoting activities, but it is a one in a million chance that we are able to find someone for ourselves even if we do go to those places and participate in those activities.
Sometimes the one you fell for may not necessary be the right one, especially if you want someone for a lifelong relationship. A mere boyfriend / girlfriend is not the same as being a husband / wife. The responsibilities and expectations are just so different.
Someone who makes a nice boyfriend may not equate to being a good husband. My ex is nice and filial and caring, but he will not make a good husband (at least not for now) because he is still too dependent on his parents. Someone who is to be a husband and head of the house must at least be able to think for himself on what to do, and be responsible to himself and his family. How can someone who still relies on people to tell him what to do be able to be fully responsible to himself, let alone to take care of a family?
Similarly, a friend of mine may be a good girlfriend, but she may not make a good wife. She cares for the boyfriend and accommodates him, but when it comes to marriage, she wants things her way. She does not mind staying with her in-laws, but wants her in-laws to treat her like a princess, like how her parents treat her. She does not want to work, she wants to sleep until all hours of the day, she does not want to do any housework, and yet she expects the in-laws to take good care of her. I thought getting married means taking care of each other's families and not the other way round?
A girlfriend is different from a wife. A girlfriend can still whine and sometimes wants the boyfriend to pamper her a little, but a wife has to be a pillar of support to her husband, often taking charge of the household when her husband is away, and making sure he is well taken care of when he returns from a hard day of work. She has to put her own affairs aside and put her husband's interests first, just like a husband putting his family's interests first.
With marriage comes great responsibility and commitment. Love and romance alone is not enough at all, especially to sustain a long-term relationship. Perhaps that is why a lot of people are still not ready to make the big step to be fully responsible to each other. The dating stage is different because each is still their own person, but after marriage, both are supposed to be joined as one so as to carve out a life together.
My mum was just telling me the other day that I should change my perspective and stop looking for someone romantic and find someone seriously responsible and reliable. She said romantic guys often do not stay faithful because romance is more for the courting stage, not marriage. After marriage, all the lovey-dovey and romance will fizzle out after a while, and what comes next is the commitment and determination to make the marriage work out.
As I observe the people around me, I finally began to see her point of view. My ex-boyfriends (with the exception of the first one) are all romantic and sweet guys, but they are not willing and ready to commit further. So look where romance got me.
Whereas when I see my married relatives, how many of my uncles and male cousins do I see that are really romantic? None actually. They do not hold hands or talk lovingly in public, they do not hug or kiss in front of people. My parents are not romantic too. In fact, I hardly ever see my parents showing loving display in front of us, which is probably why my mum used to frown whenever my ex wanted to hold my hand or hug or kiss me in front of them.
But are they leading good lives? Yes! In fact, I think my married relatives have never led happier and more fulfilling lives. The husbands really take care of the families well and the wives really support their husbands and take care of the households. They show their love in their hearts and through their actions of providing for their families, not by expensive gifts, wining and dining or public displays of affection.
My Australian aunt used to complain that my uncle was not romantic. My mum said they used to quarrel a lot in the early stages of their marriage. Yet now, after more than thirty years of marriage, my aunt said she had never been miserable in the marriage. There was really nothing to complain about because he provided for her and the family so well.
I only know of one cousin-in-law who is romantic and loving, yet my poor cousin ended up divorced. After seven years of marriage and two kids, he suddenly wanted to be free and walked out of the whole family. Maybe someone who is truly committed with a sense of responsibility will try to make the marriage work out and not let the wife and children suffer.
That is not to say romantic guys will not make good mates. I have seen some guys who are very loving and a good family man as well. But these guys are few and far in between. But between someone who is romantic and woos you with flowers and gifts yet frivolous and someone who is focused and committed but not romantic, whereas I would have chosen the former in the past, now I will choose the latter.
I realise now that romance, candlelight dinners and memorable times are but so fleeing. To be able to really enjoy a good life with a good person, it is the maturity, reliability, responsibility and independence that really count. Material things and good times are actually not that important if the guy is able to provide a good family life and never let the family suffer.
For the past few years, every February to March there will be some sort of a Love Fest called "Romancing Singapore". This month-long thing includes songs and dances of love, advertisements and articles on love and family, and various special promotions on government and corporate matchmaking agencies. This campaign was started due to the government's movement on helping people find love and to settle down early and start a family.
These efforts are commendable because our local government is actually concerned enough for its people not to let them die of loneliness in their old age. Or is it they are just concerned about the decrease in birth rate and population, and worried that there will not be enough smart young generation to take over the ageing population?
It is one thing spreading all these messages around, but it is another thing changing people's mentalities altogether. In general, a lot of Singapore guys still think Singapore girls will not look at them as long as they are not rich, handsome or whatsoever. Then there are other Singapore guys who only crave for sexual attention and think girls should oblige.
There are yet other Singapore guys who think the local girls are too out-spoken and domineering. Thus they all look for other pleasures outside the country, where some women from other countries are dying to marry into Singapore society just so they and their families can have a better life.
What about Singapore girls? It is a growing concern among local ladies that it is getting harder and harder to find a real nice, decent, educated, smart and responsible local guy all rolled in one, especially since all these guys are most likely to be snatched up long before. Thus local girls also look for other pleasures, and marry foreigners, whom they deem as good and decent, and not shallow, uncouth and chauvinistic like some of the local guys.
But nowadays it really seems harder and harder to find the right one for oneself. I seriously wonder why my parents' generation (and above) seemed to have it so easy. Government and media messages can preach about finding love and promoting activities, but it is a one in a million chance that we are able to find someone for ourselves even if we do go to those places and participate in those activities.
Sometimes the one you fell for may not necessary be the right one, especially if you want someone for a lifelong relationship. A mere boyfriend / girlfriend is not the same as being a husband / wife. The responsibilities and expectations are just so different.
Someone who makes a nice boyfriend may not equate to being a good husband. My ex is nice and filial and caring, but he will not make a good husband (at least not for now) because he is still too dependent on his parents. Someone who is to be a husband and head of the house must at least be able to think for himself on what to do, and be responsible to himself and his family. How can someone who still relies on people to tell him what to do be able to be fully responsible to himself, let alone to take care of a family?
Similarly, a friend of mine may be a good girlfriend, but she may not make a good wife. She cares for the boyfriend and accommodates him, but when it comes to marriage, she wants things her way. She does not mind staying with her in-laws, but wants her in-laws to treat her like a princess, like how her parents treat her. She does not want to work, she wants to sleep until all hours of the day, she does not want to do any housework, and yet she expects the in-laws to take good care of her. I thought getting married means taking care of each other's families and not the other way round?
A girlfriend is different from a wife. A girlfriend can still whine and sometimes wants the boyfriend to pamper her a little, but a wife has to be a pillar of support to her husband, often taking charge of the household when her husband is away, and making sure he is well taken care of when he returns from a hard day of work. She has to put her own affairs aside and put her husband's interests first, just like a husband putting his family's interests first.
With marriage comes great responsibility and commitment. Love and romance alone is not enough at all, especially to sustain a long-term relationship. Perhaps that is why a lot of people are still not ready to make the big step to be fully responsible to each other. The dating stage is different because each is still their own person, but after marriage, both are supposed to be joined as one so as to carve out a life together.
My mum was just telling me the other day that I should change my perspective and stop looking for someone romantic and find someone seriously responsible and reliable. She said romantic guys often do not stay faithful because romance is more for the courting stage, not marriage. After marriage, all the lovey-dovey and romance will fizzle out after a while, and what comes next is the commitment and determination to make the marriage work out.
As I observe the people around me, I finally began to see her point of view. My ex-boyfriends (with the exception of the first one) are all romantic and sweet guys, but they are not willing and ready to commit further. So look where romance got me.
Whereas when I see my married relatives, how many of my uncles and male cousins do I see that are really romantic? None actually. They do not hold hands or talk lovingly in public, they do not hug or kiss in front of people. My parents are not romantic too. In fact, I hardly ever see my parents showing loving display in front of us, which is probably why my mum used to frown whenever my ex wanted to hold my hand or hug or kiss me in front of them.
But are they leading good lives? Yes! In fact, I think my married relatives have never led happier and more fulfilling lives. The husbands really take care of the families well and the wives really support their husbands and take care of the households. They show their love in their hearts and through their actions of providing for their families, not by expensive gifts, wining and dining or public displays of affection.
My Australian aunt used to complain that my uncle was not romantic. My mum said they used to quarrel a lot in the early stages of their marriage. Yet now, after more than thirty years of marriage, my aunt said she had never been miserable in the marriage. There was really nothing to complain about because he provided for her and the family so well.
I only know of one cousin-in-law who is romantic and loving, yet my poor cousin ended up divorced. After seven years of marriage and two kids, he suddenly wanted to be free and walked out of the whole family. Maybe someone who is truly committed with a sense of responsibility will try to make the marriage work out and not let the wife and children suffer.
That is not to say romantic guys will not make good mates. I have seen some guys who are very loving and a good family man as well. But these guys are few and far in between. But between someone who is romantic and woos you with flowers and gifts yet frivolous and someone who is focused and committed but not romantic, whereas I would have chosen the former in the past, now I will choose the latter.
I realise now that romance, candlelight dinners and memorable times are but so fleeing. To be able to really enjoy a good life with a good person, it is the maturity, reliability, responsibility and independence that really count. Material things and good times are actually not that important if the guy is able to provide a good family life and never let the family suffer.
2 comments:
Expectations change.
Perceptions change.
You have your own, other people have theirs.
About Singaporean Girls not wanting a guy unless he's rich or handsome? That is at least 50% true. And when they look for 'foreigners', it is mostly for men from the west. Most of them don't specifically look for men from China, Malaysia, Indonesia... (you get the point).
The only time a Singaporean Girl seems interested in me is when she's trying to sell insurance or get me into an MLM scheme.
As I said, you probably haven't met the right one who takes you at face value. Singapore girls do take guys at face value as long as the personality and character is there.
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