Slave To My Own Emotions

I think I was still jet-lagged yesterday morning, so could not fully register everything that had happened. I was partly distracted uploading photos, partly remembering the details of my trip, and partly organizing things I need to do for the rest of the month, that certain things happened and I just brushed them away.

Now that I have fully rested for a day and hopefully gotten over the jetlag, I am able to see things completely. And because I am able to see things in a much clearer picture with a more alert frame of mind, I start to be so emotionally messed-up again. Sometimes I wonder if I am more upset by the fact that I am still not as emotionally strong as I thought I am or want to be.

The first incident was on a certain e-mail I received. I received a lot of mails throughout the time I was away, mostly spam. There were a few “official” ones like notice and updates on the carolling outreach, the wedding planning and a church choir camp which I promised my RCIA sponsor I would help him out with. There were some from my chorus group requesting for a re-sent of the recent performance photos.

One particular e-mail caught my attention, as it was from my second ex. I have not received any mails from him for more than three years, and now he suddenly sent me something, with a message which I cannot figure out whether he is sincere or just toying with my feelings. In the mail, he apologised and as much as said that he regretted letting me go and asked if there was ever a chance we could be together again.

Three years overdue. What happened to the “I do not foresee a future with you so it is best we separate” when I actually went to beg him to give us another chance? What happened to the “I never want to see you again” when I started messaging, e-mailing and calling him so often out of desperation? Does he think he can just throw me aside, expect me to survive on my own and finally I did survive on my own and emerge stronger he came crawling back expecting me to forget everything that happened?

Last I heard he is still attached to the same girl, and now he is doing this to me, or both of us for that matter. Why are some guys not able to make up their minds?! As if two-timing me was not enough, now he wants to two-time his girlfriend as well?! She may not be one of my favourite persons, but how would she feel if she finds out what he has been doing? And judging from her temperament, he will be in for a very hot time if she ever finds out.

The second incident goes deeper into my raw emotional state. When I used to go for family trips, I was attached so looking forward to someone waiting for me whenever I returned. Nowadays, I do not look forward as much as before when I return because now there will be no one special to see me off and no one special waiting for me. Still, I like to go travelling and to see the world around and spending time with the family.

Coincidentally, the last time I went to Australia, I came back and found myself dumped. This time, when I came back from another Australian trip, someone got attached. Not that I am not happy; I am genuinely happy for him and hope so much for things to work out well for him. It is so blissful to find someone to love and someone who loves you back in return.

So why am I feeling upset now that this has finally registered into my mind? Perhaps I came back from two Australian trips with my heart broken, more for last time than this time. I cannot say that my heart is totally broken this time since it has been in the process of healing, albeit a very long process, but I cannot deny that I am upset with the thought that it will be someone else sharing his life when it could have been me.

But I believe the feelings will pass by soon. There is really no reason for me to get upset since I am not betrayed or let down in any way. I did feel like crying for a while after everything has sunk in, but I did not even shed a tear. I have more things to worry about and care for rather than being a slave to my own emotional outbursts.

So since the year is coming to a close, I want to totally close this chapter, and my previous chapters on guys long thrown aside and forgotten. I want to start the new year refreshed and anew, meeting new challenges and learning more things along the way.