T.G.I.F.!

Thank goodness it is Friday again! And I have had a busy week. Now that my computer is finally set up, I have been flooded with emails and documents. I have to start arranging the database room and re-categorising all over again.

The disadvantage of working in a high-class area is that everything is high-class. There are eating places around the vicinity, selling what others term as “hawker fare”, except with slightly higher prices than normal hawker fare.

At this price, I rather eat at Newton Circus or Adam Road Hawker Centre, more variety, much nicer food, and prices are slightly below what we have here.

The eating places here are either closed most of the time (wonder how they survive?), and those that are open for business sell the same type of food everyday. Furthermore, the prices are quite exorbitant and the taste is not that great.

The only advantage is that the area is quieter so even during lunch hours, there is almost no crowd. One does not need to queue for a long time or search for a place to sit as there is always many empty places around.

Transportation wise, it is a bit out of the way, considering there is no train running through the area. So we have to take a bus to a train station, then take the train home. For those lucky ones who have a straight bus from home (like me), they can save a lot on transportation expenses.

There are also straight buses running through Orchard area, all the way to Marina Centre and Suntec City. Now that the IMF Conference is over, the area will no longer be blocked out and traffic going there will be smoother.

In the meantime, I am looking forward to yet another great weekend! Have a wonderful week ahead!

Beauty In Different Contexts

What is the concept of beauty? It differs from people to people, culture to culture. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Once a person is in love, the loved one will be the most beautiful person in his / her eyes, despite what others may say.

Everyone views beauty differently. To some, an average looker may be pretty; to others he / she may be plain. Some have higher standards of what they define as “beauty” or “pretty”, others may take a plain Jane (or John) as the most beautiful person in the world.

Beauty is also defined differently in different cultures. For instance, in the West, beauty has been typically defined as long and silky light blonde hair, blue eyes, sharp nose, peaches and cream complexion, and an hourglass figure.

But Westerners have more “variety”, as in all look different. Asians are black-hair, yellowish or olive skin, ranging from dark to fair, with black or dark brown pupils. And whether you are Chinese, Malay, Indian or Thai, you more or less look the same.

Whereas for Westerners, there are brunettes, chestnut brown, redheads, blondes, blue eyes, green eyes, hazel eyes, grey eyes, brown eyes.

Plus the many shades of blonde – dark blonde, light blonde, honey blonde, strawberry blonde (is that blonde or red anyway?), ash blonde. What is the difference between all these “colours”?

Not to mention for redheads, there is auburn, carrot (is that red or orange?), and strawberry blonde (again, is that classified as blonde or redhead?). What is the difference? And why the many “colours”?

In the olden Chinese context, a beautiful woman is one that is a bit on the round side (especially with child-bearing hips), single-lidded almond-shaped slit eyes, small rosebud lips and a smooth fair complexion.

But with society getting more and more Westernised, more and more are going for cosmetic surgery just so they can look like their favourite stars from the West. Asian actresses go for double-eyelid surgery to make their eyes look bigger, nose pointier.

Now with advances in makeup, there is even eyelid taping to make the eyes more even (especially in my case, the double eyelids on both sides are taped up to make them more pronounced).

There is also hair colour so we can have any colour we desire. Besides the “normal” colours like blonde, brown or red, there is even green, pink, blue and silver. All to cater to a vain society!

Some of my friends who are born with single eyelids keep lamenting the fact that their eyes are too small (probably echoing the sentiments of their parents). I know some parents actually try to tape their daughter’s eyes to make them bigger.

My maternal grandma used to tell my mum that I should switch features with my youngest brother. I have a naturally tanned complexion, although with years of staying out from the sun, it has become slightly fairer.

My eyes are naturally double eyelids, but the right one is more pronounced than the left, making both my eyes uneven, especially when I smile or pose for the camera, and one eye will then look smaller than the other.

My hair is not too thick, not too think, not too silky as well, and lately it has been prone to split ends perhaps with the colouring and perming job.

My youngest brother, on the other hand, is born with a fair complexion, the type of complexion which will appear very pretty on girls, according to my grandma. Plus, both his eyes are double eyelids and of an even shape, his hair is thick, curly and silky.

My features is what make many people think I am not Chinese, because to many of them, I do not have the typical features of what a Chinese lady should have.

Almost all throughout my life, I have been mistaken for many Asian races like Indonesian, Malay, Filippino, Thai, Vietnamese even. My youngest brother, on the other hand, looks like a typical Chinese.

My guy is the same. Pronounced double eyelids, big eyes, tanned complexion, broad features. On first sight, he may be mistaken for a Malay too!

I grew up not liking the way I look. I always wish I can have more of this features, or more of that features, or having a fairer complexion, figure, etc. When I grew up, I started to be more confident that I cannot change how I look, so I have to just let it be.

For a while, I really believe in inner beauty or beauty being in the eye of the beholder. But despite what everyone claims, physical appearance still plays a part.

My mum herself told me when doing recruitment, if two candidates have everything equal in terms of qualifications, experience, qualities and intelligence, and only one can be chosen, the better-looking one will be picked for the job.

Unfair, I know, but such is life. Life is never fair. And I have learnt that if one is not good-looking, one does not call the shots in many things.

Reflections ....

I had an almost sleepless night. My second ex officially got engaged yesterday, and he was so excited and infected everyone with his enthusiasm. I replied him with a congratulatory message.

I am really happy for him, but I cannot help thinking he never seemed to be that excited about me before. I asked him last week what is it about that girl that he finds so special.

I am not saying she is not special; I believe she is, but I am just curious to know why he fell for her in the first place.

It cannot be just her looks alone. Afterall, if one is pretty and yet have nothing to show for it internally, I do not think the relationship can sustain all these while. He told me that he saw his own reflection in her.

Come to think of it, that seems pretty true. At least on impression, the two of them have the same temperament. Good for him that he found someone that complements him.

My third ex told me the same thing a few days back. He was telling me about this new love in his life, that he sees himself in her. And he seems to be doing so much more for her in the few weeks they have been together as compared to what he did for me in the two years we were together.

Maybe people do fall hard for someone who complements them, who is like them in a lot of aspect? I have never “seen myself in another person” so to speak, but then again, I always thought I am the type that no one can ever be remotely similar with.

Is it really possible to find someone who complements you in every aspect? But when love strikes, Cupid will not bother how compatible or complementary both people are. The love just happened, and it is then up to the couple to make things work out.

There is a saying that opposites attract. Is it really true? I have been with a guy who is my exact opposite, and that was a nightmare, both for me (and him I suppose).

I have been with a guy who is almost 80% like me, but that, too, did not work out. I have also been with a guy who is in-between – like me in some aspects, but opposite in other aspects, and that became another nightmare towards the end.

Yet, none of the guys in the past ever made me feel that I am truly desired and loved in that way, that they are willing to commit to me. That they cannot wait to settle down with me. That they are willing to do more for me than what I had ever done for them.

Which is exactly what they show to their next girlfriends after me. And that makes me really wonder, am I someone useless or lousy? Am I really that bad?

Now I am with someone who is also 70% like me, in the way we think, in interests, in the type of life we like to lead, and he is treating me well.

Even though I have yet to be with someone who really “sees himself in me” or I in him, but I hope this will be my last chance, and things can progress further between us.

Somehow, I remember this song. The lyrics really reflect me, how I feel, how I want to be. I wish that I can show the world who I really am and be truly accepted for who I am.

Reflections – Co Co Lee

Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Everyday it’s as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see?
Staring straight back at me
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world what’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see?
Staring straight back at me
Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that I’m
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There’s a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think how we feel
Must there be a secret me I’m forced to hide?
I won’t pretend that I’m
Someone else for all time

When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside

Planning A Maltese Trip

My Aussie cousin has left for Malta with his wife-to-be …. and I have to plan a Maltese trip complete with sight-seeing. After all, it makes no sense to just be in the air for twenty hours, stay for a day for the wedding, then fly back another twenty hours.

Besides, the longer I stay, the cheaper the airfare. Since the travel time takes almost a day, I have to leave on the preceding Thursday instead of Friday as the wedding would be on a Saturday.

If I leave on Thursday and fly back on Sunday or Monday, the airfare is almost S$8,000.00 round trip. However, if I leave on Thursday and fly back the following Thursday, the airfare is only about S$3,500.00.

I only need to spend three days touring the place, and the total price for the sight-seeing tours is about S$1,500.00. Throw in accommodation, meals, transport and tips and everything will add up to S$7,000.00 maximum.

The period of time I will be going will be around early July during the summer. I guess that explains the costliness, since it is an island beach resort by itself, and I believe many Europeans (and also others) will tour there during the summer.

But considering all else, it is still much better to stay a few days and explore the area rather than just flying back immediately. More cost-effective, plus able to immerse in the culture and take in the historical sights at the same time.

How I wish I can take more days off, then I can join my parents and relatives as they are talking of touring St Petersburg or Spain. But I guess I shall just let the older generation enjoy themselves, and I go my own way without any worries or pressure.

L.O.V.E.

Why do people say love is blind? Simply because when one is in love, they are blinded to each other’s flaws. To him, she is perfect, and to her, he is perfect, even if others say or feel otherwise.

My friend’s story makes me reflect. Why would any girl be with someone who does not treat her well and give up someone who is likely to treat her much better? Maybe because she loves the guy, so is totally blinded to all his flaws.

To me, love means all encompassing. You take each other as a whole because no one is perfect. Everyone is different. It is not a matter of how perfect you want the person to be, but how perfect you can be to him.

I read this somewhere, and it has since stuck in my mind :-

“Are you holding out for the perfect guy?”

“No, I am looking for the most imperfect guy so I can love him perfectly.”

Well said! And very meaningful indeed!

L.O.V.E. (Nat King Cole)

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don’t break it
Love was made for me and you

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don’t break it

Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you

De Ja Vu?

Remarkable coincidences happen. Even to people totally unrelated. Lately I know of a girl with relationship problems. A familiar sensation hit me, when I realize that her problem is very similar to another girl whom I knew four years back.

An even more amazing coincidence is that both girls are of the same age, have their birthdays in the same month, under the same star sign, and both the boyfriends are of another religion. It is as if they are situational twins or something.

The lady I met four years back goes by the name A. Coincidentally (yet again!), her boyfriend (then, not sure if they are still together now since it has been a few years) also goes by the name A.

Anyway Girl A was going out to work after her studies. She landed a glamourous job, those types of job which may be many people’s dream jobs. Needless to say, she met a few new guys, and one guy in particular, S, took a liking to her.

Guy A was unhappy about the time she spent with her new colleagues, so they had a big quarrel and went on a break. Girl A then went on a trip with S and a few other colleagues. Since most of them were couples, A and S had to share a room together.

According to Girl A, S took the opportunity of expressing his feelings for her, and that night they became very intimate. But she regretted it the next day as she was still messed up over Guy A.

When the group returned, Girl A realized that Guy A had been calling her up when she was away. He was sincerely apologetic and wanted to get back with her. It dawned on her that they still stood a chance, so dropped S, even though S seemed a more suitable person for her according to people who know them.

The girl I met recently (D) also had the same problem. She just brought it to a closure, and was relieved about it as she had been bouncing between two guys for the past few weeks.

Her boyfriend (H) took her for granted and they went on a break for two months. During the “break”, she started developing feelings for her close friend, who also goes by the name S (S2), who, at the same time, also developed genuine feelings for her.

They were almost going to start something when H called D and urged for her forgiveness. So she went back to him, and he had been trying to make amends and do more for her for the relationship to work out this time.

However, D, S2 and a few other friends went on vacation, and it was the same case – the two of them shared a room as the rest had their own partners. They also spent a memorable night together, but on the way back, both knew it would end the moment they touched down.

In this case, S2 was not willing to give up without a fight. So he told D to give him a month, and prove that he could be better than H. But even before the month was up, D said she had made her decision to stick with H. So it was over before it even began.

To some, they may feel that if S2 really loves D as he claims, he should not even give her a time limit. He should leave her alone to come to her own decision, instead of giving her unnecessary pressure and forcing her to choose.

And after she had made her choice, he should just respect it and accept, without calling her up and whining about how much he loves her and why not give him a chance. Needless to say, he put her in such a difficult position that in the end, she became totally unresponsive and cold towards him.

S2 says that love is selfish. But love should not be selfish. If S2 really loves D, he should let her go to whom her heart desires, even if it breaks him inside. He should not have kept insisting on his way and emphasizing that she would be happier with him. How would he or anyone know who she would be happy with?

Not that I do not pity him though. It sucks to think that you love someone who loves you back, but yet cannot be together because that someone you love still loves the other person more. It is a worse feeling than unrequited love, because at least you know the person never had feelings for you and it would have been impossible in the first place.

But I salute the two girls. They chose to remain faithful to the one they are with even if someone better comes along. I can relate to that to a certain extent because I believe I would have done the same.

I cannot speak for all girls, but to me, a girl will not leave the guy if she still loves him. She will stick with the guy, even if she can be so frustrated with him. A girl will only leave when her feelings for the guy have totally died, and she no longer looks forward to meeting up with him and start cowering at his very touch.

God Is Fair

Do you believe that God (whichever God people believe in) is fair? He gives something, He will take away something. Or He will replace something that one is lacking.

Just like why those who are deemed as so perfect can never live long, yet those who lead evil lives are able to live to ripe old ages? And why my first brother has to be saddled with this problem ever since he was born? But God, being fair, gave my first brother a kind heart, and my second brother smarts but totally lacking in sensitivity.

Bad and disrespectful I may sound, but many a times I have questioned God's Will and things that happened to me. In a way, I have never stopped believing, but many times, I have asked God why do others' prayers always come true and they lead smooth lives, but I can never achieve what I wanted and my life has been one disappointment after another?

My fellow Christians will tell me if things do not happen, it is because God does not want it to happen as He has planned something else for me. Then what is it He has planned? How would we know? I wish I can know, then at least I can succeed in whatever it is. Afterall, if it is what God plans for me, the journey will be smooth-sailing and successful.

There was a time when I thought that God has been unfair to me. I even doubted His love. It was the period of my life when everything went downhill. I did not make the Honours year, I was posted to a neughbourhood school where no one had ever heard of, despite all the reputable schools around the vicinity of my home, my driving instructor unsulted me and dropped me as his student, my dad went into major financial problems.

It was also around this time when whatever my ex wanted was fulfilled. His dad's business was finally picking up again and they were able to solve their financial crisis, he passed his driving test at the first attempt, he made the Singapore Airlines grade just after one interview. It was as if he had the Midas touch and everything I touched turned to powder instead.

Both of us prayed together but all his prayers came true instead. I started questioning him, and wondered if I should get baptised so my prayers could come true. He scolded me for not believing, and said I should get baptised only if I am truly ready, and not just because I wanted my prayers to come true. If my prayers did not come true, it was because God wanted something else for me.

But things for me kept going downhill and things for him kept picking up. I really started doubting if I have believed in the wrong religion, wanted to just give up. Needless to say, we quarrelled many times over this issue.

Upon looking back now, I realise everything happened for a reason. God knows what He is doing. If I had made the Honours years, I would have just taken my qualifications for granted and not have the desire to upgrade.

If I did not have trouble with my driving instructor and passed my driving test so easily, I would have crashed the car and been paralysed for life already. As it is, now my quiet reflections are mostly during my time spent taking public transport.

If I did not get posted to that school, I would not have realised the true extent of family and juvenile prolems our society has, and how discriminating society is, by always looking out for the best schools and best students, and looking down on normal school students. As it is, it made me realise that not every student comes from a mission or SAP school background.

Come to think of it, my life for the first twenty years had been good, which was probably why I needed to be exposed to the other side of life for the next decade. But one thing I finally know through all these ups and downs is that God has been there for me all along.

God has been good to me. He is fair indeed. He wants me to know life is not so easy all the time, although I still think my life could have been a tad easier, and He wants to mould me into the type of person He wanted.

So since God allows me to live on, there must be a purpose. I only need to find what, and through His blessings, I hope to finally achieve what I desire and what He desires of me.

Heart To Hearts

Lately I have been having a number of heart to heart talks with a few people. And all the intense conversation had struck a chord in my mind. I feel happy, melancholic, disappointed, relieved and ecstatic all at the same time.

The first person was my mum. She was talking to me about opening my eyes wide, considering more guys and really making sure before I finally commit. She told me not to just stick with one person but mix around.

Is she asking me to flirt around? I told her I am a one-man woman. She said she is only asking me to explore more options, not to two- or three-time. But give others a chance to know me, instead of shutting out altogether. Somehow I cannot do that. If I go with a guy, it means my heart belongs to him wholly. How can I be with some other person whom I have no feelings for? It will be so unfair to everyone.

The second person was him. I told him everything I have been feeling, and my entire state of mind when it comes to him and us. I was rather emotional at that time, and was worried what his reaction would be. I was prepared for whatever outcome. But luckily we managed to settle the things that have been bothering us, so now things are better, he is almost back to his "old" ways, almost back to being the man who took my heart away in the first place.

The third person came as a surprise to me as he was none other than my second ex. It started with a certain message sent to him regarding a certain wedding invitation. He did not reply me so I did not think any further. But he replied me a few days back, and we started exchanging messages. Perhaps exchanging messages would not be considered as "heart to heart talk" but we had a "conversation" where we thrashed out everything. And finally we were able to part amicably, few years overdue.

We apologised to each other - he on how he had treated me, and me for harbouring hate and despise for him. I then congratulated him wholeheartedly on his upcoming wedding. I am genuinely happy that he finally found someone whom he deem as right for himself.

Meanwhile, with my loved one stuck in Kuala Lumpur for the weekend, I am having the whole weekend to myself, figuring out the activities I can do to keep myself occupied. But knowing my mum, she would make me rest for another day in case my fever comes back again.

Differing Opinions, Or Personality Clashes?

I was involved in a heated argument with someone a few days back. I never know a guy can be so petty! I would not even say he is a friend since he clearly does not even want to take me as a friend anymore, just because we had a few differences in opinions.

I know I am the weird type of person who do not think alike from most people. But there are certain things I really care about, like being concerned for others, like being gracious. Maybe I just function differently from most people, so in a way I do put a lot of people off, but luckily, those who still take me as a friend know how I am like and accept it.

This guy has been irritating me for ages. He was after me, so kept calling me up. In a way, I find him a bit too showy, so tried to avoid talking to him. But because he is a teacher, we ended up having quite a lot of common topics to talk about.

That fateful day, he asked if he could call me as he wanted to know my opinion on the IQ test he was giving his students. So I agreed. After I told him what I thought of the test, I was not in the mood to talk since I was (still am) upset over my friend's demise.

He coaxed me to talk about what was upsetting me, saying that he would lend a listening ear. And since I was really upset, I told him that I felt bad, partly because I was not able to help out my friend, and partly because someone who deserved to live a longer life had passed away.

Talk about lending a listening ear! He started raving on about how I should not be upset, how I should take things easy. I did not need all those! I just needed a listening ear! If he had nothing to say, I rather he not say anything!

So I told him, I was upset, but that did not mean I just sat around moping and crying; I still went to work as per normal and led my life as per normal. But in my quiet moments, I start to think and I will feel upset.

Then he started telling me, why would I be upset over my friends? If I could not help, so be it, anyway money is a sensitive issue. And besides, my friend who passed away, what had she done to me that I must be upset over her death?

I was totally riled! Does this person even have a heart?! I told him bluntly, even if it is him, and he asked me for help but I was not able to help him, or he passed away without any notice, I will also be upset, because he is my friend. Anyone who is my friend will be someone I care about and will warrant emotions in me! Anyone who has a heart will feel the same way.

Then he said in that case, why not he meet up with me the next day and perhaps he would be able to comfort me face to face? I was intending to buy a wedding gift for someone the next day (until I got struck down by the sudden fever and did not go in the end), so I told him I could not meet up with him.

He kept asking me what I would be doing, so I told him. He then asked who would I be buying the wedding gift for? So I said I know both the couple, but I was invited by the guy, and since I still have not made up my mind whether to go or not, I thought it best to just buy a gift first.

He then asked how close the guy is to me. So I asked what business is that of his? He said he was just curious, so to stop him from bugging me, I told him the guy was rather close to me but now we are just ordinary friends. He sort of guessed it was my ex-boyfriend.

And with that, it triggered off more words. He said I actually go to my ex-boyfriend's wedding? So I said, why not? If he is gracious enough to invite me, I do not see why I should not go, and anyway, I have not even decided whether I want to go. But since I am invited, even if I do not go, it is still polite to send over a wedding gift.

He then asked how come I still keep in touch with my ex? Why not? For him, once it is over, it is over. He never keeps in contact with any of his exs and neither do they, even if they get married, they do not invite him too. He said why carry on since it is all over?

So I said end of a relationship does not mean end of a friendship. If people still want to remain friends with me, it is perfectly alright. Just because two people cannot be a couple, it does not mean they cannot be friends.

After all, being a couple is of a higher status, and if we cannot foresee a future, then we can stop being a couple, but that does not mean the friendship ends. If anything, we may have gained a close friend.

He says I am probably the only person who thinks this way. No, my best friend is like this too. We attended her ex-boyfriend's wedding too, and till now, she, he and I are still close friends. I know a lot of my friends still maintain good friendship with their exs.

He says what will my boyfriend feel? So I said he does not mind, as he still keeps in touch with his ex too. And for him it is an even greater feat as he has gone through more in life than me, yet they can still maintain pretty good terms.

Finally I said, anyway, who is he to me that he must meddle in my affairs? He is of no relation to me, so why bother so much what I do? He also asked if my boyfriend ever minds I talk to other guys or go out with other guys.

Of course not! Being in a relationship means trusting each other. In fact, I do not like the guy to be too sticky or too possessive. He then said but if I am in a relationship, should I not stop meeting with all my other guy friends, as after all, people of different genders normally develop into relationship, can never remain as friends?

Really? In that case, I would either be a multiple two-timer or else I would not even have any guy friends at all! There are guys I have known for twenty years, yet we are still friends, never develop further. So who said men and women cannot be just mere platonic friends?

So in the end, he said my boyfriend must be someone really special in order to understand me. Of course! He himself will never be able to understand someone like me. And in his opinion, if he thinks he cannot understand someone or develops a friendship, he rather not even be friends with this person.

Thank goodness! At least I finally got rid of him. But still, I wonder, am I the weird one, or is he? Or is it just the case where both our personalities really clash? But anyway, like I said, who is he to tell me what to do with my life?

Jinxed And Unjinxes

I seem to have been double-jinxed this week. But bad things come with good things too. So although I have experienced certain minor upheavals, good things happened to override the bad luck.

First, I went to work as usual on Wednesday morning. In the middle of the morning, my head suddenly felt heavy, and I felt sleepy. I did not think it was due to lack of sleep. When I went for lunch, I found that I had no appetite, and there were symptoms that my gastric was acting up again.

Then my boss took a look at me, and told me I looked really bad, and asked me to go see a doctor and go home and rest. When I went to see the doctor, he said I had a fever of more than thirty degree celsius! How in the world did I get a fever? There were no symptoms, and it was just a fever, no flu or anything.

So he gave me two days off, and I called my office to inform. My boss just said since I was covered just stay home and rest, no need to return to the office. Thus, I had been in bed for the past two days, and luckily I recovered on time, or else I would be lying on a hospital bed right now, undergoing tests for dengue.

The second thing was my previous boss called me regarding a case. I was too sick to talk to him, so I was not very receptive. Apparently, something went wrong with one of the cases and the client defaulted, so now the debt-collectors went to the lawyer's house.

He was agitated, and called me and asked me what I did for the case. In the first place, I honestly did not remember doing anything for that particular case, except that the client gave us an invalid address so all the letters to him were bounced back to the firm.

And anyway, I was too sick to really think properly. He must have taken my silence and non-response as a type of defiance, because I remembered him saying before he hanged up that if there were any damages incurred, I would expect a letter from the firm to sue me.

That got me worried, so I called the new girl the next morning, and told her the situation. She promised to check up for me. In the end, it turned out that it was my predecessor who did something to the case, as the printout was dated somewhere in April, and even the lawyer knew about it as his handwriting was all over the printout.

At least I will not get sued for nothing. Why blame me in the first place? My mum told me I should have just called him up and scolded him back for accusing me without any proof, but to me, as long as the issue is resolved, that is all that matters.

Since the mooncake festival is coming, my company gave every employee a gift - a box containing a mooncake (hopefully of my favourite plain lotus flavour!) and a box of tea. The box is no ordinary box; it was taken from the gallery (our retail arm specialising in spa, aromatherapy and nostalgic products) and the box has pictures of olden Singapore all over. It is a treasure indeed, especially to someone like me!

And since the gift is so special, I have even taken pictures as memories!

The front view of the box - images of the Singapore River in olden days

The side view where the handle and clasp is

The contents of the box - a mooncake and a tea box
(together with a small greeting card)

Close-up of the mooncake and tea box

The tea box (close up) - a view of the old Fullerton Building

Settling Down In My New Company

So I have been at my new job for more than a week, and so far the culture seems impressive. One may think that for such a company the employees must be those high-class, aloof types who turn down their noses at most people.

But from the day I first went for the interview, I was surprised that the environment, though formal, gave a warm and cosy feel. And the people there are all really friendly, chatty and ensure I am as comfortable as possible.

Not like some other places I went to interview for. When I was a little early, they asked why I could not keep to the time, and acted in such a haughty manner as if everyone was dying to work in the company.

From my observations for the past week, everyone there was dressed really formally, not as in all are in power suits, but they are neat, presentable, and give an overall well-groomed image like those in the Japanese serial "Power Office Girls". I msut stop being lazy and start taking the trouble to really groom myself to the fullest.

Work-wise, for now, I am not that busy as yet, since the people I am working for are letting me settle in first. I have the phone line up, but not the computer yet, as the entire IT department is away, setting up the system in one of the hotels. So I can only get my computer when they are back. I have requested for a temporary laptop, but since no one knows where all the laptops are being kept, I have to bear with it for the time being.

That is the only hiccup so far. I cannot do much for now since most of my work requires to be done on the computer. So meanwhile, I try to offer my help as much as I can and do my best at whatever I was asked to do.

True Friends Are Hard To Come By

Sometime last week, a friend asked for a loan. It is not a small loan of a couple of dollars, but a big one that goes up to four digits.

Normally I would not have hesitated, but this time, I myself am so dry that I had to turn him down. I feel really really bad because his is a genuine case where he needs the money for a real emergency, yet I am not able to help him.

I feel all the more guilty as he has helped me a few times before, not in terms of loaning me cash, but he has been a pillar of support and has lent me a listening ear each time I go to him. He never hesitated to give me his advice and always has the right words to perk up a person.

To think I have splashed money on so many unworthy causes (not counting charity)! I splashed so much money on undeserving people who had no qualms cheating me or wanted to "live off" me. If I had been more hard-hearted, perhaps I would have been able to help out my friend now and give even more.

Luckily my friend understands so he does not hold it against me. He is really a true friend, as some others will get so petty and totally stop befriending you just because it is beyond your ability to help when he / she asks.

A true friend is also one, who, despite everything, will still stick by you through thick and thin. He / She will not allow any quarrels or mistakes made to come in between the friendship, will not manipulate, not make use of you, nor take you for granted, not stop contacting you just because he / she found a partner or gets too busy or you had a disagreement.

Which is why I appreciate my best friend so much. We have been through a lot. We had our disagreements and quarrels, but despite all, we still know each others' deepest secrets and still stick by each other through all our ups and downs in our lives. I know if I am hanging on the edge of an abyss and calls her for help, she will definitely help me.

And after all the problems I had in recent months, she still stuck by me. She had never once blamed me or judged me over things I did, but would call to check on me once in a while to ensure I am alright. This is why I know I can count on her for almost anything.

Events in the past few months have made me more aware who my real friends are and who are just mere superficial friends. My real friends are those who supported me throughout, who stood by me when I was crumbling, who never judged me and who still showed their support even if they frowned upon or disapproved certain things I did.

Superficial friends are those who would be happy when something good happened to me, but when something bad happened, they started ostracising me, laughing and pointing fingers, judging me, putting me down and started avoiding me. And I had been disappointed because even those I had trusted and rather close to proved themselves to be just supercial.

True friends should be those that stick with each other and show their utmost support, and not run away or look down on each other just because a friend made a mistake. It is after all human to err, and even though the mistake might be a very major one which ultimately involved a few others, should the one who made the mistake be judged by the very people he / she trust and confide in?

The one making the mistake might have already been feeling very down, regretting bitterly and in a confused state of mind where to go from there. As friends, should we not show our moral support and our care and concern and hoping things get better for the friend, instead of just putting him / her down and cutting off contact when he / she was already in a messed-up state and need support the most?

And does the friend really need someone to point fingers and blame it all on him / her when whatever happened might not even be his / her fault in the first place? It is unfair for anyone to judge if no one knows the full story.

I have gone through quite a number of things in my life, which, if I could turn back time, I would not have let them happen. But whatever has been done could not be undone. So regretful and depressed I am, I just have to continue living on.

In a way, I am thankful all these things happened because if anything, I can finally know who are those friends truly worth keeping. For that, I will treasure them even more now. And I also finally realise who are those who have always been hypocritical and turn their backs on me the moment I run into trouble.

Wrapped Like A Mummy

My slimming sessions are going well. So far I have lost about four kilograms already. Not a bad feat but still far from my targetted weight. Since I have been losing weight, the consultants decide to start giving me more intensive treatments.

So I did a body wrap during the session last night. It was not as relaxing as I thought. First, my measurements were taken. Next, toning cream was applied over my problem areas, then my body was wrapped using transparent plastic sheets (the type that looks like what school kids will wrap their school books in).

The plastic did not just go one round but three rounds. After my body was wrapped up, I was basically paralysed and could not move my limbs. The consultant then put a bathrobe on me and helped me onto a reclining chair to relax.

It was so difficult to sit down. The plastic was hard and so tightly wrapped around my entire body that I felt suffocated. Now I know how Egyptian mummies would have felt, if they were embalmed alive!

The session lasted for about forty-five minutes. When the plastic cover was finally taken off, I was so relieved. My measurements were taken again after I was unwrapped and apparently the figures had decreased a little overall.

I still have almost thirty more wrapping sessions to go, not including the other treatments I am still undergoing. Our target is to complete all sessions and get our desired weight and figure by Christmas. Hopefully that can be achieved!

"There Is Nothing More Vicious Than A Human Heart"

That is the underlying message behind the show "The Banquet", where the storyline seems to be adapted from a certain infamous Danish story prince story by a certain late Bard, but without the famous soliloquy of course.

The movie was set somewhere after the Han Dynasty, more than two thousand years ago. Zhang Ziyi plays the ruthless, ambitious Empress (Queen Gertrude but twice as ruthless) who would d0 anything to keep herself in power.

Ge You plays the usurper, who poisoned his brother the Emperor, married the reigning Empress and took the throne for his own. Sounds familiar?

Daniel Wu is the Crown Prince, who, like Hamlet, wanted to avenge his late father by killing his uncle, guided on by the spirit of the late Emperor.

During the coronation of the new Emperor, the Crown Prince put up a play on how a character was kulled by blowing a poisonous powder into his ears, which was exactly how the late Emperor was killed. Needless to say, the new Emperor turned pale at the scene, proof of his guilt, just like how Hamlet's uncle turned ashen when Hamlet put up the play chronicling how his father died.

Zhou Xun plays Qingnu, who, like Ophelia, loves the Crown Prince with all her heart, but in the end was sacrificed as her love was forbidden.

The poisonous powder was bought from a medicine man twice. And twice he was asked, " Is this the most poisonous thing in the world?" And twice he answered, "No, nothing can be more poisonous than a human heart."

It was only during the second time when he was asked, "Why did your first buyer not take it away then?" He answered, "Because he is not ruthless enough."

So, the seond buyer, in order to show ruthlessness, took the powder away and made the medicine man drink arsenic so as to keep the secret safe forever.

The statement is true indeed. Nothing is more poisonous than a human heart. Is it any wonder why most have lost faith in humanity?

Why Could It Not Be Me?!

I heard or read from somewhere that once a person dies, it is best to just forget about the person. To me, it seems really heartless, because if the person means so much to you, how can you forget so easily and readily and move on so quickly just like that?

But the person who uttered that said if someone is gone, and we hold on, we will only be making ourselves miserable, as there is so much more to life and if we keep pulling back because of someone that no longer exists, we will only be missing out on all the nicer things in life.

Besides, if the deceased is really dear to you, then he / she will not want to see you hurt and upset, and will want you to carry on with your life normally and be happy. Anyone who loves a person will want the person to carry on living life to the fullest.

However, I wonder if the person who said that ever lost someone dear before? To many people, it will sound heartless, although in a certain way, it does make sense.

But if you really love a person, be it a parent, child, relative, friend, spouse, are you really able to let him / her go? When the person is no longer around, you will feel a part of you being torn out. You will wonder why you cannot go in his / her place, let you be the one to die and he / she be the one continue to live on.

When my grandpa passed away, I did not cry. My mum scolded me for being unfilial, but to me, he had suffered for three years so I found it more of a relief that his sufferings had ended and he would finally be in a better place. Now come to think of it, perhaps I was heartless to even think of that.

My cousins passed away when I was even younger, but I cried at their wakes. Now that a dear friend is gone, and I would have gone to her wake if I had known exactly when and where it was, I feel a big sense of loss, that why someone as perfect as her would be cruelly taken away from the people who love her?

Why it could not be me, as I do not think anyone will remember me or mourn for me? She was the one that deserved to live on, I am the one that deserved death for all the sins I have committed, the mistakes I have made, the people I have angered, resulting in making lots of people miserable.

If I cannot even lead a life making others happy, then is it still worth it to even continue living? I may as well be taken away and let someone else who really deserves to live on continue her life.

Cyber Bullying

A few weeks back, there was an article in the Sunday Times about cyber bullying. There was a girl who received so many negative remarks based on what she wrote that she became down and traumatised.

Psychologists said that apparently, cyber bullying is the same as physical bullying. Back in school, some students chose to bully others, especially those smaller and weaker than them, as they wanted to make themselves feel good.

A sadistic way of making oneself feel good, in my opinion. But it has been proven that these bullies normally have low self-esteems and feel lousy about themselves, thus resort to belittling others to make themselves feel better.

What a pathetic excuse! I feel lousy about myself all the time! Does that mean I have to resort to put others' down for my own happiness?

Cyber bullying is the same as physical bullying, except now with advanced technology, anyone can just go under a cloak of anonymity in cyberspace and lash out at anyone they please.

To me, physical bullying is an act of cowardice. How brave is a person if he puts others down just so he himself can be happy? But at least physical bullies go right on and take their victims on. They may create a physical fight or quarrel, but at least they do it with a full face and identities.

Cyber bullies are even more cowardly since they choose to put down others, and yet do not dare to let anyone know why they are. For me, you want to do it, you jolly well have nothing to hide.

And it is not because the unfortunate victim has written anything bad or defamatory in the first place, especially not anything to do with the cyber bully. Some people may have just made very innocent remarks, yet have their characters and actions condemend unjustly just like that.

Cyber bullying, per se, is very hard to prove. As long as the victim suffers emotional trauma, that is bullying. But just how emotional is considered as "trauma"?

Some people may just be stronger and go ahead to do whatever they like, and not care hoots about how others view them, no matter how hurtful the remarks can be. Some people will get hurt and be sensitive over the most minor, albeit mean, remarks and feel frustrated and lose sleep over it.

I used to ask why is it some bloggers always get attacked, whereas other bloggers never meet any of these jokers? Is it because those bloggers have nasty content, thus triggering off negative comments and uproar?

But from the blogs I read, most are pretty decent. Nothing offensive whatsoever. Even for myself, I do not think my blog has ever offended anyone, and anyway, why should anyone out of the picture even be offended in the first place? I never use any crude language or vulgarities, insult the government or others' races or religion, or others' friends and families.

The only times I really lash out at people are those who really deserve it for being pushy, presumptuous and trying to be funny in the first place.

But what people want to write in their blogs are their own businesses. I have seen blogs that contain family pictures, blogs that give recipes, blogs on movie and music reviews, blogs based on sex, blogs on general current affairs, and blogs that are like personal journals.

It is interesting indeed to read about others' lives and see how they view things. In this respect, I have learnt a lot and been exposed. There have also been instances where I do not really like what the blogger writes, but then since it does not involve me, I see no reason why I need to kick up a big fuss.

Similarly, if whatever I write has nothing to do with anyone, why do some people get a kick out of getting angry and scolding me left right and centre for the things I have done and how I think, when it is just quintessentially me and really nothing to do with anyone?

If people want me to change in any way, then that will not be me. This is what I am, who I am. Which is what makes me unique from the rest. Everyone has their own uniqueness, so if they are put down just to conform, then they lose their own uniqueness and identities.

To me, my blog is more than a diary. It serves as a personal collection of my memoirs, thoughts and feelings, and accounts during the different stages of my life. Once in a while, I will look back on past entries, laugh at myself for doing silly and idiotic things, and reflect on how my life has gone from there.

Of course I do not expect everyone to agree with how I think and feel. This is just me; I am only one person against the rest of the world. Everyone is free to think whichever way they like. But I normally do not hide anything, unless there is an absolute reason for secrecy.

So if people want to leave comments, do it based on the entry. And read it thoroughly before you even write anything. I do not think it is fair to judge or put down anyone's character or intelligence just based on a couple of sentences without reading through the rest.

If anything, the commentor is the one making a fool of him (her) self by jumping to unnecessary conclusions. In any case, no one has any right to judge or condemn another person because we are all sinners. Only God has the right to do that, but He loves us so much that He forgives any mistake we make, no matter how major.

Honestly, if people are so shallow to just assume things without bothering to find out the truth and come to the conclusion that a particular blogger is stupid and useless, then I wonder why do they even want to read in the first place?

Despite all these, I take it in a positive light. So I told myself, perhaps I am popular enough, which is why there are many who leave their comments? After all, if people are not addicted to my writing, they would not keep coming back.

At least I have readers, and they are concerned for me in some ways, no matter how sadistic some can be, to even react in the first place. And if I can trigger such response, maybe I can make a good journalist after all?

Thus I will not let this make me feel down. I feel down enough about the terrible news I just got to know, so I do not want to feel messed up over this. In fact, I should feel happy. I ever thought of shutting down my blog, or changing to a totally new URL.

But these are not long-term solutions. If I shut down my blog, all my more than eight hundred entries which I have painstakingly posted all these while will be gone. And I cannot keep changing my URL.

So I have decided not to do anything except to just ignore, because letting hurtful remarks affect me and shutting down my blog will only deem those anonymous cowards as winners, and why should I give them the satisfaction?

Hence, my blog is still up, despite being so widely-accessed by all. With this, I leave it for now and go mourn for the two great women with prayers and tears in my eyes.

The Yellow Ribbon Project

I went to watch "Forbidden City : Portrait Of An Empress" earlier on. Kit Chan outdid herself again! How I wish I can sing like her! The musical was like a crash course during that era of China's history. This time, more songs have been added, and the cast and crew really did a very fine job!

I met my cousin yesterday as she wanted to accompany me to my second counselling session. My counsellor remarked that my condition seems to be more stable as compared to the previous time I went to see him. I still sobbed a bit though, but not like the time when I was literally crying buckets.

This cousin is working in the prisons department of the Ministry of Manpower. She is promoting the Yellow Ribbon Project, so I bought one from her. The yellow ribbon and artwork looks better this year than last year. Apparently it was all made by the inmates.

It is good that the public is now being made aware of former convicts. In the past, anyone who has a prison record would never be able to find a job, and in the end return to their old ways out of sheer desperation.

According to prison officers and counsellors, when the poor ex-convicts were released from prison, many of them had families to support. Most of them were depended upon to be sole breadwinners. But they were not able to find any job, and went back to housebreaking or stealing.

Due to this, the prisons department set up the Yellow Ribbon Project to give these ex-convivts a chance to start over, which I find a rather commendable project and should have been started a very long time ago. At least it will help ex-convicts have a new lease of life.

Afterall, everyone deserves a second chance and an opportunity to start over anew and prove his worth.

To The Only Woman In My Life

War heroine Elizabeth Choy passed away earlier on. The demise of two great women made me reflect on a lot of issues. I reflected on how they were remembered, by being giving, heroic, brave, and being an inspiration to others, by always having a positive outlook and never giving up.

These two women inspired me in ways no one can ever imagined. However, the greatest woman that has ever inspired me in my whole life is none other than my mum. People may scoff as I give the impression that my mum and I can never get along.

True, she has her own way of looking at things, and I have mine. Our ways do not meet so we often clash. And since we are both obstinate, neither of us ever budge or compromise.

But despite this, she is still the most capable woman I have ever known (besides Angie). She came from a poor background, had only the bare necessities when young, Chinese-educated, yet able to enter the then University of Singapore which took in only students from English schools.

Despite a switch to a full English medium, she emerged with a first-class Honours in Chemistry and Mathematics, and placed on the Dean's List every year. Even before that, in her secondary and high school days, she was the top student and able to answer the questions so well that her teacher sometimes used her answers as model answers for the class.

When she started working, she did her job so well that she became indispensable and well-known in almost every department. And when she wanted to take her Masters, she still managed to emerge as the top student despite having a demanding job, sustaining the family and supervising my brother in his studies.

But that is not all. She is equally adept at being a homemaker. She used to have to help out around the house, so she can cook, sew, clean, iron, wash and go marketing. If we do not have a maid, I am sure she can be an excellent housewife, but for the fact that she is not one to just stay home and keep the house.

My mum may be a highly-educated tough career woman, but when it comes to family, she will go all out. And I always hold her in high regard for that because of things she has done for my brother and relatives.

My first brother is not normal. This is something I have never told anyone, but it is nothing to hide too. He has Asperger's Syndrome, a part of Autism, albeit a rather mild one. But that alone makes him queer.

I love this brother more than the younger one, simply because he is more simple-minded. And normally, people who are simple-minded are kinder and not as cunning. They treat everyone with sincerity, not hypocrisy.

My mum spent her time and resources, making sure he could function like a normal person. And whatever she did, it was rather successful for a while. However, the older he got, the more peculiar he became, not by choice, because autism is a behavioural and psychological problem that the sufferer himself is not even aware of.

This was why he was sent overseas at such a young age, as my mum wanted to train him to be independant, to learn how to do things on his own. It was a very good idea on her part as after a year in Perth, he came back much better than before. He is now almost functioning like a normal person, except with the occasional quirks.

This is also why he was totally exempted from serving the nation. Physically he is fit and strong, so by right, he would have been taken to enlist in the army. Initially, my mum just wanted him downgraded to a clerical post.

But his Australian psychologist wrote a very good report on how he could only thrive in a non-uniform environment as he was not one to stick to rules, doing whatever his mind asked him to do instead. The army deemed that they have no patience for someone like him and granted him full exemption.

Looking at how my brother blossomed due to my mum's efforts, I salute her for actually taking the trouble of ensuring his entire well-being. This is also why no matter how much it costs her, she is willing to spend if it means well for him.

No doubt my mum is, well, his mum, but how many parents will actually take the time to ensure that a not-so-normal child will turn out well? Often than not, parents themselves have no time to even look after a normal child, and even if the child displays genuine symptoms of peculiarity, they take it as the child being naughty.

My mum shows her care and concern even to our relatives. I think I mentioned before that when my late cousin had the major asthmatic attack that took her life, my mum was the first to rush down to the hospital. Throughout the fenural, she kept my aunt company and comforted her throughout.

When my younger cousin had luekaemia, she rallied the staff in her company to make a bone marrow donations in the hopes of finding a suitable donor. Which is why my two aunts are so willing to do anything for her.

When some of my cousins went to further their studies overseas, my mum sponsored part of their course fees and gave them a laptop each. After my cousin's divorce, my mum always gave her generous amounts during festive seasons in a bid to help out with her child support. That explains why my relatives are all so willing to do anything for us.

This is why, despite so many differences we have, I am reluctant to go against her wishes. People have been asking me why is it if I really dislike the way my mum does things, yet I do not try breaking away from her and live my own life without any care?

Because I respect her too much. I hold her in such high esteem. And, unless it is something I really love and want at all costs, otherwise I will mostly go along with her wishes. Because she is my mum, so I believe the things she does is for my own good, and she will not harm me.

Now that Angie is gone, I have no chance to tell her how much I am in awe of her. And I have no chance of ever telling Mrs Choy how much I respected her for what she did during the war. But now, I want to tell my mum that I am very blessed to have a mother like her before it is too late.

However, I feel ashamed of myself because I feel I have let her down, I have disappointed her by not meeting up to what she wanted of me, and I am also ashamed because my mum is one really great woman, and I can never be even a quarter of who she is.

A New Chapter (And My Deepest Condolences)

Pink again?! Did I hear someone say?

Yes, pink again, and why? Because it reflects me!

And why the new look? Because I want to start over. It may be a very selfish time to start over especially since I have only just received news of the demise of someone I have come to admire and love, but now that she is in Heaven, I believe she will want everyone to live on happily ever after, living on for her, doing things she no longer has the chance to do.

Landing this new job marks a new beginning for me. And being able to finally start over closes an old chapter in my book, which I have learnt to come to terms with and let go. Imagine what the news of death can do to someone. I feel as if a part of myself has been torn away.

She was like the sister I never had. And although I did not have the fortune of seeing her in person or hearing her voice, her zest for life and love for everyone filled me with awe. She was someone I have come to admire and respect as a sister, as a friend, as a soulmate.

She has touched me in her own way. She was as perfect as could be, otherwise why would everyone love her? And she fully deserved all the love, affection and attention everyone was giving her, as she gave much more in return. So the news shocked me and caused my tears to well up in my eyes.

To dearest Angie : I regret that there was not much I could convey since I only got to know you from your musings, but you were an inspiration to me, a pillar of support, and a long-lost sister. I love you in my own way, although I never had the chance to show it, but I do.

My deepest condolences to your family and friends, those who have known you much longer, and loved you much deeper. You will definitely be missed by everyone, by me, by your friends, by your family, and anyone else you have ever sparked a life in.

This is for you, when you look down from Heaven and know everyone is mourning for you. And I will live on, for you, to be like you, and to fulfil your dreams.

And so, this song is for you. One of your favourites, for someone I met long, long ago.

When Your Phone Dies On You ....

Positive : You always bring along three batteries just in case.

Negative : All three batteries are flat.

Double Negative : You forgot to bring out the portable charger and have to be phone-less for the day.

I must start charging once one battery is used up, instead of using all up before charging....

A Fun First Day (Back At Work)

So my first day at my new company went well. I was told to report at 9:00am, but since my mum needed to drive my brother to school, and it was more convenient to go to the office building from his school, I followed them out early in the morning, and reached the building at 8:15am.

The Human Resource Executive arrived at 8:30am. He brought me into a lounge and gave me the Letter of Offer to sign, together with a booklet of employee's Terms and Conditions and Fringe Benefits. I am impressed by the benefits! This company seems to have the best benefits of all the places I have worked in!

The culture is very formal. I went to work today with a long-sleeve blouse and A-line skirt, and full makeup, yet the staff there look so well-groomed! Everything about them is immaculate! I feel so out of place! I guess perhaps the company deals with hospitality services, so employees must look professional and well-groomed all the time.

Time for me to dig out the Singapore Airlines grooming guide (which I "borrowed" from someone years ago) and start to learn how to look immaculate from now on, not to mention re-read all my makeup and grooming books and hone my makeup skills!

I spent the morning reading the Employees' booklet. I proof-read a Trademark Opposition and a contract to start off. Then I was asked to read the Initial Public Offering Prospectus, as the company just went public a few months back. After all the prospectuses I had prepared in my previous firms, this is the thickest I have seen! Almost three hundred pages! The thickest I ever prepared was two hundred pages.

I will be reporting to two people - the Assistant Vice-President of the Group Legal Department (the one who interviewed me), as well as the main Legal Counsel. My job scope includes normal administrative support, plus dealing with contracts, intellectual property, conveyancing and international law. Eighteen resorts, three contracts each, and eighteen different trademarks. Interesting!

I also met the Corporate Executive Assistant, who joined the company just a month back. That was the post I went to interview for at first, but she deserves to get the job, since she has in-house Corporate experience. Apparently, in the past, there was only one assistant for both Legal and Corporate.

But in the end, all of them never lasted a year as they had to do double work, and now that the company went public, there is definitely much more work at the Corporate side. So it is a good idea that they split up the two departments, and hire one assistant for each.

My boss told me not to say I have corporate experience, as he does not want the Corporate head to "poach" me over. Just as well, since I hate doing Corporate work anyway, although this is one area that is booming, not just in companies but law firms as well. Which explains why I always ended up doing corporate instead of litigation.

The company's welfare policies are quite standard, about the same as most other companies. The greatest benefit is on the resorts and spas around the world. The benefits are not just for me, but for my family and even friends I bring along if I visit any of the hotels.

The official hours and lunch hours are flexible too. People can come in anytime between 8:00am to 9:00am, and leave between 5:30pm - 6:30pm. So if I come in at 8:30am, I will go off at 6:00pm. If I come in at 8:15am, I can go off at 5:45pm. The lunch time is anytime between 12:00pm to 2:00pm, provided we take only a maximum of one hour for lunch and come back latest by 2:00pm.

From what I can see, this is definitely a good company to stay on to develop and grow. And I really want to be able to stay on without anymore hiccups where my career is concerned.

A Better Tomorrow

I do not mean the infamous Hong Kong movie that shot Chow Yun Fatt to superstardom. Rather, I am referring to a better tomorrow for myself, in a new job, which, coincidentally, starts on the fifth anniversary of a certain D-Day. Somehow this marks a new beginning for me, to be able to let go of the past and start over anew.

Some people will think I am heartless, to be able to let go so soon. The truth is, I am still not able to forget everything that had happened to me, especially events in recent months, which accounts for my still on-off depression. My mood had been perked up a little ever since I landed this new job, but when I lie in bed at night, I still cry.

But then I can choose to be depressed and not do anything about it, or I can choose to try to be stronger and go by the day without giving in to my emotions. So far, the latter has emerged the winner. Maybe I have finally learnt to be professional.

I will always be sad over certain things, because some things are just not easily forgotten. But the fact is the world does not stop revolving just because I am depressed. Even if I do not wish to let go, I still have to go on with my life. And after certain things I have experienced, perhaps I may become a stronger person if something adverse does happen.

Which brings me to the other question. Am I or am I not in a relationship? The answer for now, is a resounding yes. Why? Because I still crave to meet him. And he still treats me so well. He has told me he will never leave me, and he still loves me.

If people know the true extent of what we have gone through, they may deem me stupid. To others, if he is serious about me, why not show his commitment? Why not tell me everything from the very beginning, and not wait until a real crisis before he finally spilled the beans on the things he had been hiding from me?

And it is not as if I have no suitors. There has been a guy who has been calling me up quite often lately. I entertained him once or twice, but after that, I stop replying to his messages and whenever he calls me, which is normally at night, I tell him I am tired and wish to sleep.

Come to think of it, the number of times this guy has called me is even more than the number of times my own guy has called me and spoken to me on the phone. And if my parents ever know this guy exist, they will make me drop everything and go with him without any hesitation.

Why? Because he is eight years my senior, single, available, no other commitments, desperate to settle down, in the government service, an Honours graduate, and a diamond bachelor in my parents' eyes. So to them, why would I not want to be with someone like this?

But then my parents (and everyone else) do not control my feelings. Nobody tells me who I love except my heart. Even I myself have no control over my emotions. My heart seems to have a mind of its own and loves whoever it wants to love.

My guy knows he exists, and he once asked me if this guy is after me since he has been calling me often. I told him if someone else is really after me, will he be worried? He said that even if he worry, if I really want to go, he cannot stop me. Why would he think I want to go?

And to be fair to the other guy, I told him my current status, and so far has refused to meet him on my own. He said he is all out no matter what, it only depends on me who I want to be with. Why do I feel as if I am some sort of a commodity all of a sudden?

I have been telling myself it is better to be with someone who loves you more than you love him. I still adhere to it, but in the first place, I must have feelings for the guy before I will even consider being with him.

And that is why I am not moving on. To some, what I am in now may not even be considered a relationship, but to me, he still means the world to me and I cannot foresee my life without him. And besides, the number of times we meet is not a gauge how long we can sustain. There are couples who only meet each other once a month or so, and yet still can be together.

So I plan to start over, in a new job, a new environment, and becoming a better person so that I can manage my personal life better.

A Normal Relationship?

If my friends know the actual situation I am in, they will ask me why do I not want to be in a normal relationship? But what is a normal relationship anyway? Different couples function differently. What is normal to some may not be normal to others.

A normal relationship, in my book (and I believe in a lot of others' books), is one where the guy and girl got together, they start going out, accompany each other for events, meet each other's friends and parents, hang out at each other's place, chat on the phone at least once a day, do things together. They take the time to meet as often as possible.

I started reflecting on this after hearing my friend's account on why his ex-girlfriend left him. She deems him as too sticky. As a teacher, he hardly has time to meet her, so most of the time, she goes out with friends. They meet each other during weekends, he will call her once in a while after school and at night.

But he could not call her after 10pm as she wanted to sleep. The guy calls her and she is not happy?! My guy does not even call me on the phone! My friend wanted to meet up more often during the school holidays. His opinion is that if he really loves the girl, he will want to spend as much time with her as possible.

Such a guy and the girl does not like?! I do not even know if I am meeting my guy this weekend, the only day we actually get to see each other! Of course, when a relationship ends, it is not totally one party's fault. So I cannot say my friend is not totally at fault, maybe he is just not the guy she desires?

If what my friend went through was a normal relationship, then yes, my relationship is very abnormal indeed. Of course, I also hope that when I go for theatres and plays, I can have someone to accompany me. When I come back late from work, I hope to have someone meet me for dinner as even a glance at him will put a smile to my face and wash away all the tiredness and stress of the day.

As it is, he does not call me on the phone, we only get to go out once a week (and even then that is subject to confirmation on the actual day), I do not go to his place and have not met his parents (even though he has already seen my parents), we do not go out with each other's friends.

He does not go to plays and theatres with me as he does not appreciate, and he was not there on my baptism since he is not a church-goer. If any of my girlfriends is to be in this situation, they would have screamed their heads off and broken up with the guy immediately.

I never once minded, even though I feel so lonely at times. The fact is when we do go out, I still enjoy myself so much with him. We still have a good time. And I still feel excited and look forward to see him. To me, as long as I get to see him and he still treats me so well when we go out, that is enough for me.

I believe some people will say I am dumb, that I deserve better. But what is "better"? Being with someone who can be with you all the time yet in the end just disappear on you? Or someone who pesters you for sex all the time?

Do I feel disappointed that we are not doing what a typical normal couple will do? Of course I do, I will be lying if I say I do not. But in a relationship there must always be give and take and being understanding. I cannot force him to like the things I like, nor do something he is not comfortable doing. And if he is not free to meet me, then so be it.

Although my life revolves around him (not really, since my life revolves around a lot of other things), I cannot expect him to be this way. To my friend, he feels that if he is someone's boyfriend, he will give the girl utmost priority. But not every guy thinks this way, so even if I do give my boyfriend utmost priority, I have to accept it if he does not feel the same.

Because when I fall in love, I really fall deep. When I say I love you, I really do mean it, wholly, truly, unconditionally. I do not give my love to just any mere person. And loving a person means taking the person as a while, warts and all, just like how he takes me as a whole, good and bad together.

So yes, my relationship will continue this way, until the day I stop asking him out and stop messaging him. Because when that happens, it will mean I have been so disappointed again and again that I have given up, and there are no more feelings left for him.

Through Thick And Thin (Or For Love Or Money)

I came across this scenario - the guy (A) was declared bankrupt and lost his job as a result. He had to sell off his apartment and sports car and move into a small rented room. He has a girlfriend (B) who is more established and earning a good income.

B is being wooed by a rich and establshed guy (C). A did not want B to suffer with him, so broke up with her and told her to accept C's love. Even though B really loves A, she went ahead and married C in the end.

Now if you are A or B, what would you have done? A really loves B, hence the decision on his part. But if B really loves A, why would she go ahead and be with another guy? Just because he is rich with a good job and can provide for her? Is money everything?

I admit to a lot of girls, especially educated girls, money is everything. My best friend herself will not settle for someone who does not own at least a gold credit card and has his own set of wheels. But in the above scenario, does B love A more or money more?

A lot of women married for money, but in the end became so miserable. Some women said they married for love, not money, but still ended up miserable as the husband became a jobless bum. But I feel if it is really true love that can transcend all boundaries, then the income status should not be an issue at all.

What if he becomes bankrupt? Does it mean she will just leave him? If she really loves him, she will stick with him and show him support all the way. That is what being a couple is for, is it not? Face problems and adversities together, and not run away at the first sign of difficulty.

My family chastised me for thinking this way. My mum said love alone does not survive if the bread and butter issue cannot even be resolved. She is one to say. She did so much for my dad when his business was failing some years back, yet in the end my dad had never shown any gratitude.

If it was not for her, our house would have been foreclosed, our family would have been declared bankrupt, our things seized and sold off cheaply at auctions, and we would all be living in the streets. It is entirely due to my mum that we are still able to live comfortably.

Where was my dad when the creditors called us and scolded me? Where was he when his creditors came knocking on our door? He disappeared somewhere in China, leaving us to clear the mess for him. When he finally came back, he sold off his car, and kept whining about how he had to sell off his beloved car, when we were the ones being traumatised by the constant fear that we would have to go live in slums.

Yet my mum stood by him. After so many years of marriage, she did everything she could to be a good wife and a pillar of support to her husband. And that is what love and commitment is all about, sticking by your partner through thick and thin. I wish I can do that too.

Why Law Studies?

A lot of people have asked me why did I choose to do law? My friends from school were surprised when I chose this route because they always thought I would go on to study English Literature, which, incidentally, is what I am doing now. I myself was surprised when I got in as comparing to a lot of others, my results were not really that impressive.

At that point in time, I was in a dilemma. On one hand, my parents wanted me to do something "practical" like Business or Accountancy, instead of something like Arts. Strange, I thought being in the legal line would be more "practical" since the starting salary is already higher compared to the rest?

My mum was happy of course, since she thought if she could groom a legal person in the family, it would be a very good thing. My dad was against it, but then, he was never supportive over what I did anyway. His rationale is that lawyers earn money by cheating people and making them bankrupt.

Actually it had been one of my childhood dreams to be a prosecutor, besides wanting to be a musician or journalist or teacher. I have been reading crime fiction and intrigued at the way the detectives in stories solved cases. I learnt the psychology behind the crime. So when I came across real crime cases in the papers, I would guess what really happened, and most of the time I came out right.

Even now, when I watched a thriller movie, I was able to guess whodunit before the movie ended most of the time. Like when my ex and I were watching "Identity" with our friends, I told him during the show that firstly, that guy was a schizophrenic, and he had about eight different personalities in him; and secondly, it was the boy who in the end killed off everyone.

He refused to believe me but when the ending was what I predicted, he was surprised and thought I had watched the movie before. A while back when I was watching "The Nun", I guessed it was the girl who created the identity of "the nun" and killed off her mum and her mum's friends.

Since young, I was also outraged whenever I heard of people getting raped, kidnapped, murdered, etc. And I thought if only I could grow up and sentence all these criminals to imprisonment, the world would then be a better and safer place to live in.

Then I came across divorce cases where always the men committed adultery and being unfaithful to the wives, and I thought to myself if I could help the poor women, it would be a good lesson to the ungrateful men. Besides, the Women's Charter, where Family Law is based on, is to protect women from being taken advantage of by men.

So to me, I took law with the sense of justice and fair play. Never in my life would I earn a living by cheating others. Needless to say, I count Family Law and Criminal Law as my favourite subjects, as well as Intellectual Property. I find Company and Corporate Law, Contract Law, Law of Real Property and Insurance Law rather dry subjects. Ironically, I have been doing Corporate, Property and Contract more than anything else.

My dad thinks as a lawyer, the money I earned would be through underhanded means. People have to pay even if they are declared bankrupt. There may have been reports where lawyers cheat the clients of their money, or run away with their clients' money. And there may also be cases where lawyers will get the clients off scot-free even if the person did murder someone in cold blood.

But there are many types of lawyers. There are those who prosecute criminals. those that defend criminals. There are those who restructure companies, those who split up couples, those who buy and sell properties. So it does not necessary mean someone who has a law degree will use it to their advantage and cheat others.

And now with all the big companies booming and hiring their own in-house counsels instead of outsourcing, there are even more job opportunities for lawyers instead of just running a law firm. Not to mention the growing number of locum practitioners (part-time or freelance lawyers who help out full-time lawyers) nowadays.

But to me being a lawyer was something that could never be achieved. I ended up in between, not really a qualified lawyer, yet over-qualified to do mere legal secretarial work. And in a way it was lucky that with the tremendous workload lawyers and counsels have to handle, the market for a paralegal is picking up, because paralegals can help lawyers in their documentation work without needing to give any form of advice.

Law itself is an interesting thing. But not everyone can study it. I know I cannot, which is why in the end I did not continue. Perhaps now with hands-on experience, I can do it much better should I ever go back to law school, but at that point in time, I was really unhappy.

Yet this is one experience I would never forget. I gained invaluable knowledge. I learnt how the entire legal system functions. I got to see the Attorney-General and the Chief Justice in person. I had lots of fun being involved in interesting activities.

Best of all, it gave me job opportunities which I never would have dreamed of. So will I go back to law school and finish a law degree? In time to come perhaps. But right now, I am looking forward to my new job and the exciting things I can get exposed to.

Farewell To The Central Business District

Finally, I am free! As in today was my last day at my old work place. I am officially done with that company. I told my boss that I cannot work until Wednesday and had to leave by today. As a result, it had been a few very tiring and busy days, working late to clear up everything to ensure a proper handover.

It was not an easy feat, because my work was essentially done. It was the backlog that was still not cleared, because my predecessor accumulated a lot of stuff which were not updated, and the lady before her accumulated even more stuff. As a result, the status of some cases were not updated ever since 2001!

So I had to almost work round the clock, staying until pretty late the last few days, just to clear up everything. And I had to miss out on my Salsa class as well as the Westlife concert. :-( Luckily the new girl came in today, and she had more corporate experience than me, so it was not that hard handing over. I did not need to go through everything, as she knows what to do.

Come Monday, I will officially start my new job. The office building itself is in District 10, the high-class area, near the vicinity of all the "parks" like Leedon Park, Ardmore Park, Hume Park, Hazel Park. Just as well I am lucky that I have a straight bus direct from my area that will drop me outside the office building. So it is an official good-bye to the Central Business District!

Little Politics Of The Working World

My new company wants me to start work on Monday, and letting me sign the letter of offer on the same day. So I tendered my resignation today, with my last day being Friday.

The thing is when the company finally gave me the letter of offer last week, there was no mention anywhere how many days I need to tender while still on probation. The letter only states that during the probation period, the firm can give a day’s notice of termination in writing.

After probation and upon confirmation, the employee gives the firm six weeks notice of resignation in writing. According to the Administration Assistant, someone still on probation only needs to give a day’s notice.

I gave three days notice, today, tomorrow and Friday. However, my boss wants me to delay work at the new company until Thursday, as he still needs me to be around until Wednesday. He said there was nowhere stated that I only need to give a day’s notice, so by right, I should give a week’s notice.

Well, there was also nowhere stated how many days’ notice I need to give while still on probation. So technically, I can give any days’ notice I like. And because I only had everything confirmed yesterday, that was why I could only tender my notice today.

In the end, I told him that I must leave by Friday, and if need be, I will come back during the weekend and clear up the stuff, plus coming back after office hours the subsequent weeks, and subsequent weekends. But I cannot stay until Wednesday as I need to start work there on Monday.

Now I feel rather bad for not agreeing. On the other hand, if I delay my new job, I may just stand a chance to lose it altogether. I had a bad experience once. I lost a job offer just because I was held up by work and not able to go down and sign the letter of offer on time.

I am never going to make the same mistake again. And from the way this company treats staff that has tendered, it is not worth it even if I do stay for another week.

So this time, I shall not be so soft-hearted anymore. It is time to think of my own future, a new move to something better, and not let anything and anyone hold me back.

Of Female Monarches

So Japan finally has a male heir to the throne. Everyone in the country should be rejoicing now that the throne is secure. Due to this, all plans to change the succession policy to allow females to ascend the throne have been postponed indefinitely.

I believe my more feminist and sexist friends will be making a big hoo-ha out of this. I guess Japan is still a relatively chauvinistic society (although things are getting better) so they still uphold the tradition of passing on the family fortune and property only to males.

Come to think of it, how many females have actually been able to have a smooth ascend into the throne, especially in an Asian society? I am not talking about empresses who ruled alongside the emperors, but empresses in their own right as sole rulers.

Empress Wu Zetian of the Tang Dynasty as well as the Empress Dowager Cixi of the Qing Dynasty both went through hell before they could ascend the throne. Both women came across as ambitious, ruthless and very unpopular among their subjects.

Perhaps they went through so much just to get the throne despite all the protests, so they had to be merciless in order to keep the throne? Plus the fact that they were both heads of the country, so all the more they could do as they pleased and killed off whoever who opposed them?

But female rulers-of-states never had it easy in the first place. Queen Mary I set the precedent by being the first queen of England in her own right. Previous queens like Matilda and Jane Grey were not counted as they only managed to hold on to the throne for less than a month.

She proved to be a very unpopular ruler, upholding the Catholic rule and killing off all Protestants. Prince Philip of Spain married her just to get the English throne, but when he realized she was not going to let him rule, he left and she died, a miserable middle-aged lady.

Her sister Queen Elizabeth I fared no better when she ascended the throne. All her courtiers wanted her married so there could be an heir, but she vehemently refused, always declaring that she was married to England.

However, Queen Elizabeth I was more popular than her sister, even though she restored Protestanism and Catholics had to go underground to practise their faith. Yet her rule saw peace and wealth, with arts and culture.

Centuries later, Queen Victoria, by far the longest-ruling monarch yet, also did a pretty good job in managing the country. It was during her time that the British conquered Hong Kong, India, Australia and New Zealand.

Now, her descendant Queen Elizabeth II has been a pretty good ruler of England so far. Although nowadays, it is more the Prime Minister ruling the state than the monarch, but still, she has done a good job.

Who is to say that female mornaches will not do as well? History itself has proven, at times female monarches could be even better rulers than male monarches.

England is not the only country to have female monarches. There was the late Queen Wilhelmina of the Netherlands, and her daughter Queen Juliana. There was Corazon Aquino of the Philippines.

Strangely, with more than two hundred years of American history, there has never been a female President. How I wish I can live to the day when I see America, Singapore and Indonesia having their first female President.

A Goof-Up .... And Good News

We just got a new all-in-one colour printer / photocopier / scanner, so I spent an hour setting up the whole thing last night. I have not lost my touch. I used to set up the computer and programs for my family, and now I can still do it.

But that is not difficult anyway. Just follow the instructions, plug in wherever needed, load whatever programs and that is it. Yet a lot of people I know do not feel comfortable setting up the system themselves, even with guidebooks.

I goofed up big time. I thought I was so “smart” by upgrading my blog to the more advanced beta version, powered by Google. In the end, I realize I am not able to comment in others’ blogs using my username, ie those blogs that have not been upgraded to beta yet.

Thus I have to use the “other” function and posting comments with my initials. I think others cannot post comments into my blog with their usernames too, unless they have switched to the beta version.

I tried an experiment and find that those who use “other” and anonymous can still comment though (NOT an invitation to post nasty or nonsensical remarks!). It seems that the Blogger people themselves know about this problem and are trying their fastest to rectify as soon as possible.

Meanwhile, good news! Why? Because I GOT THE JOB!!!! The one at the hotel and spa management company. A dream place to work at. I cannot believe I actually landed the job! All these years, I never dared apply to companies like these as I always deem them as too “above” me.

And now I got a job in there! I have to give thanks to God and everyone who has encouraged and supported me along the way. And this time, I am not going to goof up or do anything stupid to jeopardize my career chances again.