I do not mean the infamous Hong Kong movie that shot Chow Yun Fatt to superstardom. Rather, I am referring to a better tomorrow for myself, in a new job, which, coincidentally, starts on the fifth anniversary of a certain D-Day. Somehow this marks a new beginning for me, to be able to let go of the past and start over anew.
Some people will think I am heartless, to be able to let go so soon. The truth is, I am still not able to forget everything that had happened to me, especially events in recent months, which accounts for my still on-off depression. My mood had been perked up a little ever since I landed this new job, but when I lie in bed at night, I still cry.
But then I can choose to be depressed and not do anything about it, or I can choose to try to be stronger and go by the day without giving in to my emotions. So far, the latter has emerged the winner. Maybe I have finally learnt to be professional.
I will always be sad over certain things, because some things are just not easily forgotten. But the fact is the world does not stop revolving just because I am depressed. Even if I do not wish to let go, I still have to go on with my life. And after certain things I have experienced, perhaps I may become a stronger person if something adverse does happen.
Which brings me to the other question. Am I or am I not in a relationship? The answer for now, is a resounding yes. Why? Because I still crave to meet him. And he still treats me so well. He has told me he will never leave me, and he still loves me.
If people know the true extent of what we have gone through, they may deem me stupid. To others, if he is serious about me, why not show his commitment? Why not tell me everything from the very beginning, and not wait until a real crisis before he finally spilled the beans on the things he had been hiding from me?
And it is not as if I have no suitors. There has been a guy who has been calling me up quite often lately. I entertained him once or twice, but after that, I stop replying to his messages and whenever he calls me, which is normally at night, I tell him I am tired and wish to sleep.
Come to think of it, the number of times this guy has called me is even more than the number of times my own guy has called me and spoken to me on the phone. And if my parents ever know this guy exist, they will make me drop everything and go with him without any hesitation.
Why? Because he is eight years my senior, single, available, no other commitments, desperate to settle down, in the government service, an Honours graduate, and a diamond bachelor in my parents' eyes. So to them, why would I not want to be with someone like this?
But then my parents (and everyone else) do not control my feelings. Nobody tells me who I love except my heart. Even I myself have no control over my emotions. My heart seems to have a mind of its own and loves whoever it wants to love.
My guy knows he exists, and he once asked me if this guy is after me since he has been calling me often. I told him if someone else is really after me, will he be worried? He said that even if he worry, if I really want to go, he cannot stop me. Why would he think I want to go?
And to be fair to the other guy, I told him my current status, and so far has refused to meet him on my own. He said he is all out no matter what, it only depends on me who I want to be with. Why do I feel as if I am some sort of a commodity all of a sudden?
I have been telling myself it is better to be with someone who loves you more than you love him. I still adhere to it, but in the first place, I must have feelings for the guy before I will even consider being with him.
And that is why I am not moving on. To some, what I am in now may not even be considered a relationship, but to me, he still means the world to me and I cannot foresee my life without him. And besides, the number of times we meet is not a gauge how long we can sustain. There are couples who only meet each other once a month or so, and yet still can be together.
So I plan to start over, in a new job, a new environment, and becoming a better person so that I can manage my personal life better.
Some people will think I am heartless, to be able to let go so soon. The truth is, I am still not able to forget everything that had happened to me, especially events in recent months, which accounts for my still on-off depression. My mood had been perked up a little ever since I landed this new job, but when I lie in bed at night, I still cry.
But then I can choose to be depressed and not do anything about it, or I can choose to try to be stronger and go by the day without giving in to my emotions. So far, the latter has emerged the winner. Maybe I have finally learnt to be professional.
I will always be sad over certain things, because some things are just not easily forgotten. But the fact is the world does not stop revolving just because I am depressed. Even if I do not wish to let go, I still have to go on with my life. And after certain things I have experienced, perhaps I may become a stronger person if something adverse does happen.
Which brings me to the other question. Am I or am I not in a relationship? The answer for now, is a resounding yes. Why? Because I still crave to meet him. And he still treats me so well. He has told me he will never leave me, and he still loves me.
If people know the true extent of what we have gone through, they may deem me stupid. To others, if he is serious about me, why not show his commitment? Why not tell me everything from the very beginning, and not wait until a real crisis before he finally spilled the beans on the things he had been hiding from me?
And it is not as if I have no suitors. There has been a guy who has been calling me up quite often lately. I entertained him once or twice, but after that, I stop replying to his messages and whenever he calls me, which is normally at night, I tell him I am tired and wish to sleep.
Come to think of it, the number of times this guy has called me is even more than the number of times my own guy has called me and spoken to me on the phone. And if my parents ever know this guy exist, they will make me drop everything and go with him without any hesitation.
Why? Because he is eight years my senior, single, available, no other commitments, desperate to settle down, in the government service, an Honours graduate, and a diamond bachelor in my parents' eyes. So to them, why would I not want to be with someone like this?
But then my parents (and everyone else) do not control my feelings. Nobody tells me who I love except my heart. Even I myself have no control over my emotions. My heart seems to have a mind of its own and loves whoever it wants to love.
My guy knows he exists, and he once asked me if this guy is after me since he has been calling me often. I told him if someone else is really after me, will he be worried? He said that even if he worry, if I really want to go, he cannot stop me. Why would he think I want to go?
And to be fair to the other guy, I told him my current status, and so far has refused to meet him on my own. He said he is all out no matter what, it only depends on me who I want to be with. Why do I feel as if I am some sort of a commodity all of a sudden?
I have been telling myself it is better to be with someone who loves you more than you love him. I still adhere to it, but in the first place, I must have feelings for the guy before I will even consider being with him.
And that is why I am not moving on. To some, what I am in now may not even be considered a relationship, but to me, he still means the world to me and I cannot foresee my life without him. And besides, the number of times we meet is not a gauge how long we can sustain. There are couples who only meet each other once a month or so, and yet still can be together.
So I plan to start over, in a new job, a new environment, and becoming a better person so that I can manage my personal life better.
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