An Experiment That Failed

Currently the "big" news going around is on the sudden closure of the Asian campus of one of the top universities. Students and parents were both shocked and worried. The news came so suddenly and unexpectedly. After all, for such a reputable university, one will never imagine it closing down just after a semester or so!

The general public has the sentiment that the whole issue was very badly handled. In the first place, if the campus was going to close down, the management should discuss with the students and staff, before springing the news on them out of the blue. Although there was compensation like offering scholarships to current students to study on-campus in the country, many students are still not satisfied over the sudden news and considering if they will like to take up the offer.

Of course, if I am one of the students, I, too, will feel rather bewildered. Afterall, the students have already paid the fees and rejected other universities to go into this school, yet now that it suddenly closes, they will be left without a school, not to mention wasting another year trying to source for a school to go into.

Now that this experiment had failed, it seems that we are not ready to become an education hub, attracting top universities to set up a campus here. I am not talking about distance learning from overseas universities, run by the private schools here, but campuses that operate exactly like the respective overseas university, except for the overseas experience.

One reason it could have failed could be the type of students they take in. Being a top university, it only accepts students of a certain calibre. However, top students will rather enter our own universities instead, or else go to other prestigious schools overseas. Not many will put the Asian campus as first choice. Even if they do, they rather go overseas on-campus and experience life abroad, rather than study here.

Another reason could be the amount of fees. Because it is still run according to the university's regulations, there is no discount in the fees. Thus, students still have to pay the same amount for the course. The only difference is that they do not need to pay for air ticket or living expenses abroad. Even then, the offer is not very appealing, as if one is to pay such exorbitant fees, one rather study in our local universities where they can get education subsidies.

A third reason could be the lack of foreign students. Initially the people involved in this experiment thought of attracting foreigners who could then pay half the fees and study here instead of another country. But if foreign students are able to afford to study here, they can afford to study somewhere else. As a result, they will rather go to the country to study if they want to go to the university in question.

Perhaps if the university is to set up an Asian campus, certain entry requirements can be less stringent. Maybe they can lower the requirements, like taking in students with B-averages instead of As. Or lower the course fees. But being such a reputable university, they are not willing to lower the entry requirements as well as the fees, because all along, they have taken in only the best students.

Perhaps all these factors could have been taken into account before deciding whether to set up an overseas campus. Maybe the people involved were too idealistic, without considering that perhaps people might not think that way. It was quite a big loss to the name and reputation of the university, not to mention heavy losses financially.

Not all overseas campuses flop though. We do have some schools here that operate as overseas campuses, and they have been successful. Maybe the situation can be better assessed before any school thinks of setting up an overseas campus anywhere, because afterall, one has to see if there is a niche before anything can be done.

A "Call" Girl?

End of May. Half the year gone already, and I am still figuring out what I have done for the first half of the year. If anyone is to ask me anything, it is highly unlikely that I can say I have "been there, done that". Rather, I have been lacking of time and energy to do a lot of things.

Today is a public holiday. I just saw my chief off at the airport last night, as he has to be away for a business trip throughout the weekend. Prior to that, I had to send a notification to the Ministry of Defence informing about his trip. Why is it that for men who have already gone through the army and not due back for any reservist, they still have to notify when they are going overseas when it will only be for a few days and there will be no harm done?

Anyway I wanted to start the day with just relaxing when my parents brought us out for lunch. What I thought could be a warm and peaceful lunch with my family, when my mood was ruined by an overseas call. Apparently the transport that was supposed to pick up the chief at the airport never arrived. So I had to spend the next half hour or so, making trunk calls and settling the matter. In the end everything was settled, but not by me, by the concierge service who waited for him at the Information counter of the airport terminal instead of picking him up from the Arrival Hall.

Now I know why people never like to be on call anytime. My lunch was ruined, as I totally lost my appetite after that due to the frustration and irritation. As if needing to check mails beyond office hours is not enough, now I have to be on standby all the time as well?! What a life!

Law Of The Seeds

Another inspiring article, and one which I must remember to take note of.

Take a look at an apple tree. There might be five hundred apples on the tree, but each apple has just ten seeds. That's a lot of seeds! We might ask, "Why would you need so many seeds to grow just a few more apple trees?"

Nature has something to teach us here. It's telling us: "Not all seeds grow. In life, most seeds never grow. So if you really want to make something happen, you had better try more than once."

This might mean:

You'll attend twenty interviews to get one job.

You'll interview forty people to find one good employee.

You'll talk to fifty people to sell one house, one car, one vacuum cleaner, one insurance policy, or a business idea.

And you might meet a hundred acquaintances just to find one special friend.

When we understand the "Law of the Seeds", we don't get so disappointed. We stop feeling like victims. We learn how to deal with things that happen to us.

Laws of nature are not things to take personally. We just need to understand them - and work with them.

IN A NUTSHELL

Successful people fail more often. But they plant more seeds.

When Things Are Beyond your control, here's something that you must NOT DO so as to be happy: You must not decide how you think the world SHOULD be.

You must not make rules for how everyone SHOULD behave. Many times, such thoughts can bring you spiraling down into more unhappiness.

On the other hand, let's say you expect that:

Friends SHOULD return favours.

People SHOULD appreciate you.

Planes SHOULD arrive on time.

Everyone SHOULD be honest.

Your husband or best friend SHOULD remember your birthday.

These expectations may sound reasonable. But often, these things won't happen! So you end up frustrated and disappointed.

There's a better strategy. Demand less, and instead, have preferences! For things that are beyond your control, tell yourself: "I WOULD PREFER "A", BUT IF "B" HAPPENS, IT'S OK TOO!"

You prefer that people are polite.. but when they are rude, it doesn't ruin your day.

You prefer sunshine.. but if it rains, it is ok too!

To become happier, we either need to:

a) Change the world, or

b) Change our thinking.

It is easier to change our Thinking!

IN A NUTSHELL

It is not the problem that is the issue, but rather it is your attitude attending to the problem that is the problem. It's not what happens to you that determine your happiness but rather how you think about what happens to you!

Time And Tide Waits For No Man

Received this from a friend, and I find it really true! Let's all live in the presence of TODAY!

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!!!! Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME.

Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back.Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow". You must live in the present on today's deposits.

Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.

Treasure every moment that you have! And reassure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time.

Remember that time waits for no one.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!

Time and tide wait for no man. Time truly flies and nothing is more distance than a minute ago. Time will never come to a standstill nor can it be saved for a rainy day. You have to determine how it will be spent, to make full use of it or just watch it slip through your fingers! You are only young once: you can never turn back the clock, as time lost can never be found again. Remember that nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely. You only live once, so make full use of your time not just to work but to cultivate your inner soul and develop a bond with your loved ones. Take a much-deserved break and relax.

Two Year Reflections

Two years. Can anyone believe I have kept this going for two years now? One thousand, one hundred and ten posts. I can hardly believe it myself! In two years, all these things happened? Come to think of it, if I am to really compile, these two years of my life can be like a mini soap opera all on its own.

Perhaps I should not say my life is that dramatic as compared to a lot of people around. But I do crave for a simpler life. I do not need all the excitement of clubbing or getting high on drinks. Or being pursued. All I ask for is to have a man who loves me, a home of my own, a family to take care of. Sometimes I wonder is that even too much to ask?!

I still remember around this time last year certain things happened. And although I daresay a lot has forgotten what I went through, it will be one experience I will never forget. Shall I say I am thankful to be alive? Is it better to be alive and yet miserable? Or is it better to die with a smile and go into eternal happiness?

If I am to go back in time and make a choice again, I may choose a totally different path. Something that will not cause hurt to others, to those I love. Something that will cause happiness, to me and those around me. Something that everyone will approve of. But life is such that no matter which choice one makes, someone will ultimately end up hurt, someone will sure disapprove. There can never be a scenario where everyone can be pleased.

So in this case shall I then do what I like and please myself, or do what I do not like and please others? No one has any answer to the ultimate question, and it will be something I constantly ask myself, with no answers.

F.A.M.I.L.Y.

Another nice story. How appropriate for this day, tonight being "Eat With Your Family" Day!

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.

He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."

We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,

"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."

I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."

He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."

I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think?

So what is behind the story?

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

A Special Prayer ....

Something my best friend sent me, which I find really meaningful and appropriate :

And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him."

Lord God, Your Word declares that if I delight myself in You - if I enjoy You and seek Your pleasures above mine - You will give me the desires of my heart. Desiring a husband is neither evil nor selfish because marriage is honourable.

At the beginning of creation You proclaimed, "It is not good that man should be alone" and then You created Eve to be a suitable partner for Adam. In the name of Jesus, I ask that you would release the husband - a suitable partner - You have chosen for me.

Because the covenant of marriage is sacred, I ask for a man of God. Please give me a husband whose love for me is outmatched only by his love for You. A man who will cherish me and build me up. A man who will honour me and our marriage vows. A man who is a good father and provider. A man whom I will be attracted to physically, emotionally and spiritually. A man who will love me as Christ loved the church.

Restrain me from attaching myself to another man out of desperation. I will not settle for a relationship that is second best, convenient, or one that feeds my insecurities. Guard my purity, and give me the patience to wait. And when I meet him, confirm to me that he is the one.

Release me from the baggage of past relationships, and prepare me for the man You have chosen to be my husband. Free me from any hindrances to a healthy and godly marriage : insecurities, habitual sins, selfishness, emotional hurts. Dispel my unrealistic expectations that set me up for disappointment. I place my trust in You rather than my partner.

In this period of waiting I will look to You to be my companion and best friend. You are the One who redeems my life from the pit, who crowns me with love and compassion, who satisfies my desires with good things. I will not be anxious, but as I present my requests to you, flood me with the peace that surpasses all understanding so my heart and my mind are guarded in Christ Jesus.

In this request, I commit myself to trust You and do good, to dwell in the land and feed on Your faithfulness. I commit my way to You and trust that You will bring it to pass.

In Jesus name I pray, AMEN.

Weirdos In Cyberspace

I am starting to realise that most of women's problems are caused by men. No I am not being sexist here, but think about it, how many women give their all in love and relationships, only to have the men take them for granted, never appreciate them and still think the women are not doing enough to satisfy?

Just like this bridal forum which my best friend and I were looking at. We initially wanted to get tips for her wedding, so went there to take a look. But the interesting snippets we came across made us wonder just how do men live their lives when they were still single and under their parents' roofs?

It was supposed to be a forum for brides and brides-to-be, yet the discussion threads became like a relationship problem advisor (which is still alright), to parents-in-law problems, to husband soliciting for sex! It was the last one that got my attention and made my blood boil.

This guy claimed he loves his wife and kids, yet complained that his wife could not satisfy him so he could not stand it, thus asking for sex online, for anyone, whether married or not, or getting married. He said he did that because he was reluctant to go to prostitutes as it would be like "cheapening" himself.

So going to a professional is like "cheapening" oneself, but soliciting for sex using one's real name and then sleep around for free with no strings attached is not?! How is he being faithful to his wife by doing that, and he claims he loves his wife?! I hope when his wife ever gets to see that, she will kick him out and never let him come back!

Needless to say, many people in the forum scolded him for doing that. Yet he still had the cheek to say that he had not done anything wrong, why must everyone chide him, the forum sucks if people do not allow freedom of expression. This is nothing to do with freedom of expression whatsoever, but if it is going to be a bride's forum, how can anyone, let alone a married man, solicit for sex online?

Guys like these normally never believe they are at fault. Just like some weirdos I came across. Send emails so many times a day just because there is no reply, send messages so many times a day to ask about what I am doing. I am not the girlfriend, why must I report my whereabouts every second to them? Even none of my boyfriends sent me messages so frequently every hour. Worst thing is if there is no reply, the messages and emails start bombarding so many times until my inbox gets jammed.

Why would any guy think that they can get a girl this way? If anything, they will only push her further away by being so pushy, because the basic courtesy of respect and patience is already not there. If a girl never replies, sending more messages and emails will definitely not work! If anything, that will backfire as she will get totally pissed.

And what makes people think that by sending an email saying how distant the girl is, and how her actions are affecting him is going to help matters?! Girls also need space and privacy, and the more guys try to intrude on their space, the more she will pull out. Then guys will start wondering why the girl is such a hard nut to crack. Why not examine themselves first before pushing the blame to others? Do these guys think girls all have to fall at their feet?

When I Am Feeling Blue ....

Some people ask me why did I use this look? Simply because it reflects my current mood - feeling blue. I guess it is a surprise to those who know me, because blue is not any of my favourite colours. Even when I buy a hardcover journal, I never go for one with a blue cover. Perhaps I should have used green instead, but then green is associated with calmness and peacefulness, which is a far cry from how I am feeling.

The reason I am feeling blue is nothing to do with the recent big event that just happened. Rather, it was due to a series of things. Regret? Pining? Love's Labour Lost? Painful memories? Perhaps all. It could be due to somebody's upcoming big event, which I was told in a very roundabout way by a third party, or it could be that after one (or two) whole rounds, I finally realise who it is I am always looking for, yet it is too late to change things. Or it could even be the newborn baby of one of my relatives, who used that name of all names, and each time I hear that name, something will trigger and I end up feeling so uncomfortable.

I used to give advise to my friends, saying that the ultimate test of love is letting go. Even if the person ends up flaunting someone else in front of you. Even if that person marries someone else. One still has to smile and be happy, yet at the same time breaking into pieces inside. So why is it when it happens to me, I find it easier said than done?

I have lost people I love before, yet when it comes to this person (and someone else), it still tears me apart. I get reminded at every nook and corner. Whenever I happened to pass by his neighbourhood, I hope to see him, yet at the same time I know I will turn around and walk off if I do see him. I am at the stage where I hope to get a glimpse, yet at the same time knowing I will only get angry if I even so much as see his shadow.

It is not as if I am not moving on. I have moved on. Yet at the same time I cannot help my memories flooding my mind. Even if I do not want to. Perhaps it is true that in one's lifetime, there will be one person whom a person will love the most, the one person that he / she can never forget, the one person that he / she can never get over. Otherwise, can there be an explanation why, when I have not heard from him for so long, have not seen him for so long, have been in other relationships, ultimately the one I think of most is still him? The one that still affects me the most is still him? The one I most want to marry, is someone like him?

It is true, is it not, that when one has had the best, whatever comes next can never be comparable? It is unfair to compare, but then is it fair then to settle for second best when one has had the best? No, it is not. It took me two more heartaches to realise that the one who is best for me never fails, and I should not go for someone any less. Rather, I should go for someone similar or better, not someone not as good.

Perhaps my expectations are too high. Maybe I will really end up as a shrivelled old hag. But when it comes to my lifelong happiness, I believe I have the right to be choosy. So if I am not able to find someone who meets up, then I have to be resigned to the fate. The greatest mistake is to just settle for someone else for the sake for settling down and starting a family, because I owe it to myself and my future family to find the best.

P/S The song I include below reflects exactly how I feel. Incidentally, the MTVs above are all our songs - the songs we both love and count as favourites, and which (still) mean so much to me.

The One You Love - Glenn Frey

I know you need a friend, someone you can talk to
Who will understand what you are going through
When it comes to love, there's no easy answer
Only you can say what you're gonna do.

I heard you on the phone, you took his number
Said you weren't alone, but you'd call him soon
Isn't he the guy, the guy who left you cryin'?
Isn't he the one who made you feel blue?

When you remember those nights in his arms
You know you gotta make up your mind

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you
Or are you goin' back to the one you love?
Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you
Someone's gonna thank the stars above

What you gonna say when he comes over
There's no easy way to see this through
All the broken dreams, all the disappointment
Oh girl, what you gonna do?

Your heart keeps sayin' it's just not fair
But still you gotta make up your mind

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you
Or are you goin' back to the one you love?
Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you
Someone's gonna thank the stars above

The Faults Of Men

Now that my exam is over, I finally have time to settle some long-overdue issues, mainly, why, of all the men in the world, I always get to meet the crummy and scummy ones? Where have all the good men gone? Sometimes I wonder if I am fated to have this kind of life - being cheated and toyed with.

Often have I ask myself what have I done to deserve heartache all the time. Have I been bad, have I done something so wrong that I have to be punished? The thing is I try to be a good person. I do not smoke, nor gamble, do not even buy any form of lottery, do not drink (unless the occasion calls for it, and even then only a few sips), do not club and definitely do not seduce, flirt or sleep around.

So why do I not end up with decent wholesome guys, instead of guys who have no qualms just wanting to sleep around, or shallow guys who have no idea how to behave properly towards a lady and often end up pawing them all over? Or else ask stupid questions, and yet think they are always right.

Come to think of it, those guys who want to bed you from the beginning are at least honest enough to tell you so. And although this always got me so irritated, at least I can tell them off and stop any further progress. No harm done.

What really riled me is the hypocrisy of other guys, who claim they love you, want to be with you, shower you with all kinds of affection, claim you are the one and only, guarantee they are not with you just because of sex, yet everything are just empty promises and they can go around with other girls behind your back. These are the worst of the lot - scummy, jerky, hypocrites, liars, flirts. These are the guys who are put on Earth to torture girls.

Perhaps it will be not so much of a torture if the girls are wise up to their act and get out before anything happened. But I chose to be dumb. I chose to believe. I chose to fall in, so I have no one to blame except myself.

Why was it that in the past when my heart would skip a beat whenever I received a call or message from him, and I would reply instantly, then his calls and messages became lesser and lesser and I was left pining? I never dared to contact him so often because whenever he had any problems at work, or family, he would choose to clam up and become a hermit, so I never knew when it would be a good time to contact him. Then when I did not contact him, he would not contact me as well, until in the end I caved in and started contacting him again.

Then the times when we were supposed to meet, he could cancel, claiming he had family emergency. I would then standby the whole day, turning down appointments, hoping he would meet me after he was done with his affairs. I could wait the whole day and he would never meet me, and never replied even after the numerous attempts at contacting him. Come to think of it, I was so dumb! People are right when they say I am dumb and stupid, because I am!

Yet now when I have finally come to my senses, finally woken up from the dream, or illusion, or delusion, and have washed my hands off the entire thing, why must he then start calling me more often? Asking why did I not talk to him lately? Why did I not contact him lately? Why ask me? Why not ask himself?

I see it coming long ago. Afterall, is it really possible for someone to have the same kind of family emergency almost every week? Is it so coincident that he always had to go out with his family member each time I asked to meet? And it was not as if his family members are that old or frail or crippled. So why must he do everything for them each time they asked? And even if he needed to help them out, why could he not just tell me what it was he needed to help out? Or bring me along? I can help too! Why so secretive, and keep rejecting me whenever I offered to help out as well?

And what about the things which he promised to help me with long ago, yet never get done? So whatever his family members say he had to do it immediately, no questions asked, but whatever I say he could push it around, give excuses and never get anything done? Then just exactly how did I exist in his mind? Right at the bottom I think. Yet he expects me to put him on the top of my mind?

No way! I am not to be taken for a fool again! And he can stop giving excuses as to why he could not contact me or meet me. I will not fall for any lame excuses again! He woke me up from this dream by showing his true colours, so nothing he say or do now can ever make me go back to that illusion which I stupidly held on to.

Post-Exam Reflection

At last it is over! I can finally breathe a sign of relief, whew! Many thanks and appreciation to all those who have wished me good luck for the exam, because I really really needed that! The paper consisted of nine questions, of which we were told to answer three. I was only able to answer two correctly, the final question was answered rather haphazardly I think.

People said that it does not matter, as long as I can pass or tried my best. But now it is not a matter of passing. It is a matter of scoring. Where will I be if everybody else is able to score but I only had a mere pass? That was where I came in in the first place, why I took up this course, as it is my final chance to score, not just a mere pass again.

I was a bit nervous during the exam. Firstly the room we were in was like the Arctic - cold and freezing. The air-conditioning was probably turned to the lowest (or highest, depending on how one sees it). And my place happened to be right below the air duct, which was blowing the cold freezing air on me all the time.

All the previous times I took examinations, we were either at the main hall which was not air-conditioned, or else in a classroom where the air-conditioning was just right. This was the first time I took a paper at such cold conditions! Needless to say, before I even started writing, my fingers were frozen and it was so hard to write!

One thing about me which everyone noticed is that I tend to finish the paper fast and leave the room early. For instance, in a three hour paper, I was normally able to finish within two and half hours. Then I would spend the final hour or so checking and amending. Normally this could be done within half an hour or so, and then I would submit the paper and leave.

Every examination it was like this. Be it secondary, post-secondary, tertiary, whichever subject. And it was not as if I did not write a lot. In fact, some questions I could write for five pages or more! I even used up two to three booklets at times! And it was not as if I started writing the moment the exam started.

I took about fifteen minutes or so to look through the questions, wrote some points in relation to the various questions, thought about which question(s) I could best handle, decided which questions to answer, formulate the essay structure, then started writing. It was just that whenever I answer exam questions, I would keep going from the first letter of the first question to the last full stop of the last question. By the time I finally put down my pen, there was still some time to spare and I could then take my time to check through for grammatical errors, or anything else to add.

A few classmates did ask me before why I left the room so early. I told them that once the paper had been completed, and checked through, and nothing else to add, just submit. Why wait? I could use the extra time to revise the other papers, or to just relax. Besides, in most cases, I needed to use the restroom after that. Last night I could no longer bear the coldness, so left once I finished checking the paper.

I do feel nervous though, especially when I have finished the paper and others were still scribbling vigorously. Sometimes I wonder do they really have that many things to write about? Have there been things I missed out? Have I missed any point? Was I on the right track at all? But all these worries were mostly unfounded, because when the results came out most of the time I managed to do okay. Not the best, but at least not the worst.

Maybe that is the difference between a A student and a B / C student - the former will stay on in the exam hall and continue scribbling, writing whatever that comes into their minds, more than what the question requires. The latter will be the one that answers to the point, then leaves the venue early. Perhaps I should start being like the former, then maybe I can finally achieve some As for once.

Of Mixed Couples (And Marriages)

My two Australian cousins both married Caucasians. I wonder if the youngest one will do the same. As it is, my grandmother is not happy about this, as she will much prefer them to stick to the same race. But then, it is already so hard to find the right person, does it really matter what race he / she is?

Perhaps Westerners are more open when it comes to mixed marriages. Personally I have nothing against mixed couples too, although I always say I want someone who is of the same race. Come to think of it, after so many failures, maybe I should widen my horizons, find someone of another race and culture? Then life will be more interesting. Honestly, Chinese guys are still less gracious as compared to other races.

My two cousin-in-laws are Caucasian, the blonde-haired blue-eyed types. My friend's husband is a native Papua New Guinean, of the dark skinned variety. Many people are of the view that mixed marriages will not work as both come from different cultures and backgrounds. But truth be told, as long as both couples are happy with each other, is it for anyone to condemn or judge them?

Does it mean to say that if people of the same race and culture get married, they will be happy for life and not divorce? There are so many divorces from couples of the same race and religion even. It does not mean that mixed couples will definitely split up and couples of the same race will not. When people divorce, a lot of factors are involved, and not all are due to the race issue.

Perhaps because I was from a Catholic convent, I grew up with many girls who are mixed, mostly Eurasian. Indian-Chinese, Eurasians of Spanish or Portugese descent, Indian-Eurasians. Most of them have Chinese mothers or grandmothers. Last I heard, their parents are still happy together. Rather, some pure Chinese I know come from broken homes. So why would people always think just because one marries someone from another race, the marriage is doomed to failure?

In our local society, people still frown on mixed couples. If a Chinese goes with an Indian, or a Chinese with Malay, or Chinese with Caucasian, eyes will stare and fingers will point. Especially if it is a Chinese man with a Caucasian lady, somehow people still have this mentality that Caucasians are more superior so why must a Caucasian lady "downgrade" herself to be with a Chinese man? The same thing goes for an Indian man with a Chinese lady, like as if the lady is "downgrading" herself to be with the man.

People will say the worst things when it comes to a Caucasian man and a Chinese lady. She will automatically be labelled as a SPG, a slut, as if locals are not good enough for her. In all honesty, local guys are really not good enough! (Okay, I am being very mean here, I should say in general, some local guys are really not good enough). Give me a local guy (single, in his thirties) who is willing to see beyond the lady as a sex object, and actually talk to her intellectually instead of being so shallow, thinking that all girls must fall at his feet and bed him as and when he asked.

Instead of saying the girl is a SPG (granted some of them still have this attitude, but not all), why can the same local guys not examine themselves and ask themselves why they are losing the local girls? And the guys blame the girls when they have to resort to finding a wife overseas?! Why not first examine their attitudes? If they continue being so self-centred, chauvinistic and take the girls for granted, no wonder the girls will want to go for someone who cares for them, treats them well and make them feel equal, be it someone of another race or not.

Women are smart and educated nowadays. They no longer want to be subjected to men's whims and fancies, or being submissive all the time only to have the men take them for granted. They have their own say and opinions, and want to be valued for their intelligence, and not for flings. If by chance a local guy is not able to give her that and a foreigner is able to, then there is no need to guess who she will go for.

The bottomline is that, with globalisation, there will be more and more foreigners, be it in this country or other countries. One can find one's true love anywhere, anytime, any race. So if in the end someone ends up with someone else of another race, it may be more due to compatibility, similar interests and values, and not anything else. So people should stop ostracising mixed couples; rather accept and admire that they can get together despite the vast difference in culture and upbringing.

Pre-Exam Jitters ....

I will be taking my examination tonight. I am so nervous that I am practically hyperventilating! I never have such good luck that whatever I studied always came out in the examination. Rather, I always see very unfamiliar topics, then I would start panicking and wondering just how to scrape through the paper.

It is tough to study and work at the same time, all the more so since my school has issued a notice that if we do not get a cumulative GPA of 2, we can only take one module the next semester, and not two. If the cumulative GPA is less than 2 for three consecutive semesters, the school will then issue a letter of termination and we will be asked to leave the course. Now that is really scary! At times I much prefer the old Credit Unit system, where as long as one fulfils the required number of credits, one will be able to graduate.

I was so stressed that I started changing my blog look (again). I have wanted to change for quite a while already, especially since end of this month will be the second anniversary. I kept holding back as I was afraid if I do change, it will look similar to some other person's blog, and the last thing I want is for people to accuse me of plagiarism and ruin my name in public again.

But then on the other hand, why must I not stick to something I like? Just because I like something which someone else also likes, does it mean I am not allowed to do it then? Am I supposed to do something totally unlike me just so I can avoid being similar to someone else? Who are others to say what I can or cannot do? This is my own haven for self-expression, and what better way to express myself than to rave and rant, and have something eye-catching for myself?

Air Craft Art

Amazing! Why can I not take a plane that looks like anyone of these?!

DVD Encodings ....

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mothers in the world! Mothers are the greatest thing to ever happen to anyone, but a pity many people take for granted. I have learnt to appreciate my mum more recently, and realise that although she did a lot of things which I never quite agree with, but in the end she was the one who stuck by me when I run into any trouble, not anyone else. And a mother's love is unconditional. No matter what you have done, the mother will never give up on you. That is true love, and unconditional love.

I am getting confused over the regional coding of DVD players. Nowadays when I buy DVDs, there is always a warning to ensure that the DVD is of the correct coding. Apparently, Region 1 is for United States, Region 2 Europe, Region 3 Asia, and so on. Most of the time I need not worry because the DVD players at my home is Region 1.

Recently my uncle gave us a DVD player. And it turned out to be another Region, 2 or 3. The instructions are in German but the player is able to play Hong Kong shows, but not Hollywood movies. So all the DVDs I have on Hollywood movies can only be played on the player in the living room or my mum's room. Troublesome indeed, as each time when I do want to watch something, my brother will watch another show downstairs, and my mum will watch her show in her room.

What is the use of all these encoding anyway? Why can the players not be made universal, able to play discs from every region? After all, the DVDs we buy from stores and online are mostly encoded Region 1. So if the player is encoded with another region, then there will be many discs that cannot be played and a lot of movies that cannot be watched. It may not be a big deal to many people, but to me, I much rather be able to play movie discs on any player I have.

What Is Wrong With Students Lately?

What is happening to the younger generation nowadays, that there are students who have no qualms physically hurting their teacher? Long gone were those days when teachers were revered, respected and feared. Just a word or look from them would make the students cower in fear and behave themselves properly. Nowadays, students can argue and quarrel with the teachers, showing no respect whatsoever.

I just heard a true case from a teacher. The student was reprimanded by his form teacher for not handing in his homework for a week. He is already in the final year and his national examinations are due end of the year. When the teacher turned her back, he took up a chair and threw at her. The edge of the chair scratched against the side of her face and her glasses got distorted. She was so angry that she walked out of the classroom and asked for help from the teacher in the next classroom.

As teachers, no matter how angry, they are not allowed to show their anger in class in front of the students. The reasoning is that as adults, they are supposed to have more self-control. But when a student started turning violent, is it not justifiable to be angry? Anyway, when the teacher went out, the student followed and chased after her, intending to push her. He succeeded and she fell down, crashing into the teacher in the next class. The second teacher then called through the intercom for help, and the discipline master and another male teacher went up to stop the student.

Now when a teacher or principal so much as even lay hands on a student, our local media blew up the entire story and the teacher or principal was then forced to step down. But why is it that when a student injure a teacher that she had to go to the hospital for stitches, nobody did anything? The school requested not to blow up the matter as they did not wish to ruin the reputation of the school.

What is this?! Why are the students so much more priviledged that a teacher or principal can lose their jobs by enforcing punishement, but when the student injured a teacher, he / she can get away scot free? Are teachers not humans? Do they have to take this kind of treatment from students? The student in question not only affects the teacher's mood but also the entire class, as because of one trouble-maker, the teacher could not carry on the lesson effectively and the rest of the class suffers as a result.

The worst are the parents. They always defend their children, saying that it was the teacher's fault for reprimanding the kid. But who is going to defend the teacher? Certainly not the Principal or the school board because they only listen to the parents and the teacher will then get away with a warning or forced to apologise when it was not even her fault in the first place. Who wants a job like that? Certainly not me, which is why I left.

Company Events One After Another ....

It had been two days of company events. Monday and Tuesday that is. On Monday, we had a corporate movie gathering, sort of like a family day for the company. We went to watch "Spider-Man 3". The best of the Spider-man series! It showed the human side of Spider-man, how even he could show anger and hurt and fall into temptation.

I managed to get two extra tickets for my brothers so we went to watch together. Unfortunately, my first brother was late, so we made it into the cinema theatre just in time. However, there were not many seats left, so we had to split up, and my youngest brother ended up sitting next to our Executive Chairman and his powerful wife! Lucky guy! But it would be mighty scary for me!

On Tuesday, it was the birthday of the mother of our Chairman. So everyone was invited to a bash at one of the high-class hotels. It was a full nine-course dinner, excluding the birthday cake. She is a real capable woman, especially for someone of her time. Afterall, how many women in 1930s China had the chance to be educated, and an American Ivy League education at that? And how many women of that time became entrepreneurs and ran several businesses alongside their husbands?

But the food was good. Tasty and filling. So filling that after the fifth course, my colleagues and I could hardly take another bite! The dishes started off with the birthday buns, followed by combination cold platter of spring roll and some delicacies, "Four Treasure" soup, steamed garoupa, shitake mushrooms with vegetables, roasted chicken with crackers, fried prawns, longevity noodles, fried vermicelli (the family's own recipe), dessert, and finally the birthday cake. The meal started at about 8:20pm but it was almost midnight when we finally finished! Just like a typical wedding dinner!

Just as well I was keeping busy the past few days, at least it could take my mind off some things.

What Went Wrong?

It had been a depressing week. Yeah, what is new right? But when I actually missed "The Midsummer Night's Dream" last night, people who know me will know I am really, really depressed if I even miss Shakespeare! I had to call up the ticket agents and begged them to change to another timing for me. All's well ends well, so I will be going to watch the show after my examination next week, with a warning that I am not to repeat the mistake again.

I must thank a few people who have helped me through this brief difficult period. I will not mention any names, but you know who you are. You pulled me up when I was falling into an abyss, was not judgmental and enabled me to see things objectively. Come to think of it, it is now quite a relief, because those in the know know that I went through a lot the past few months. Certain things are not to be mentioned in public as I am liable to be sued, but let's just say that sometimes, one shows one's true colours only at a later stage in life.

So the question is, who initiated and what triggered it? It sort of started with my parents last year. They wanted to meet him, but he refused. They were angry because when I was in hospital and he came to see me, he told my family that actually he did not wish to come, but he came only because I asked him. When I asked him about that, he said perhaps it was a misunderstanding.

Anyway, he did not want to meet my parents as he did not want anymore trouble from them, after that bad experience he had when my dad grilled him. At that point in time, I was already feeling a little disappointed, as I thought if he treasured me, he would get to know my parents. No doubt a relationship focused on two people, but then that is not to say one should cut one off totally from one's family members as well.

And he did not wish to meet my friends too, despite the numerous times they asked him along. I thought perhaps he was not ready, give him more time. After one year, he still refused to meet my parents and my friends. So does that mean I am just a figure in hiding, that he refused to be seen with me in the company of others?!

Christmas Eve. My best friend called us out for a party, and to introduce her new boyfriend (new then). Again he refused. So I went ahead. He said to call him after I was done with the karaoke session then he would meet me after that. After the session, I contacted him but could not reach him. He did not call me back or to tell me if he was still meeting me. I went with my best friend for dinner, a movie, supper, and went home, and still no word from him.

The next day, there was still no word. Finally, I contacted him and casually asked if he was held up the day before. I asked in a different way several times; he hedged the question every time and refused to tell me what he was up to. I was thinking if he had nothing to hide, why so secretive? And besides, what was it he could not tell me? Still, I let it go.

New Year's Eve. I thought of spending the day with him. Again, he stood me up and became incommunicado and uncontactable. I do not mind if he could not meet me, but why could he not just let me know? Why must he suddenly disappear and became so secretive about his actions and whereabouts? I believe anyone would be suspicious.

Valentine's Day. He claimed he was too tired to meet me that day, so we did not go out, even though I was looking forward to it so much. Still I did not say anything. I bought him a Tag Heuer as a Valentine's Day gift. I contemplated for five years before finally getting a Tag Heuer for myself, yet I willingly bought him one without thinking as I wanted it to be a memorable gift. But he went to change it in front of me because he did not like the design.

That was when I got pissed. Nobody ever changes a gift, especially not in front of the person who gave the gift! First time in my life I gave something so expensive to someone, yet this is the first time someone ever changed the gift I got! I would never change anything anyone gave me, no matter the price, let alone a Valentine's Day gift given to me by someone whom I love!

Then he started to disappear more and more often, contacting me less and less. And the period when I was so busy with my work due to the renovations going on in my office and the revamping of the system, he did not even bother talking to me. One day, I got so stressed that I asked him if he could at least show a bit more concern for me, instead of just giving me monosyllabic answers whenever I tried to talk to him. It was like I could disappear for a year and come back and he would probably not even realise I was gone!

Then he said that I should not tell him what to do. He does not tell me what to do, let me live my life as I wish, so I should do the same for him. I was so disappointed! In the first place, I was not telling him what to do, merely expressing how I felt. In the second place, if he was in a relationship with me, should I even ask him to show me concern? Would this not be automatic? Must a girlfriend actually tell the guy to show her concern because she was feeling upset, when all along she already told him and he knew that she was stressed and frustrated?

Finally, I found out what my best friend had been suspecting - there are more people involved. Apparently, he had been seeing someone on and off for a long time already, and there was a period of time when he was feeling lonely and void, and that was where I came in. So what am I? A time filler? Someone he got involved in just because he felt lonely and wanted a companion?

I do not enter any relationship to be anyone's time fillers or backups! I may sound really selfish here, but when I enter a relationship, I want the guy to be mine and mine alone. I do not want to share the guy with anyone else! And he had the cheek to say that if I really love him, why must I care about his status? If I really love him, I would accept no matter the situation.

Then what about him? If he really loved me, would he have allowed me to be a backup? Would he have not placed me as number one in his heart, like I have placed him? Would he treat me as if I was just someone to be toyed with? Talk about really loving a person! I loved him enough to take his nonsense and bore with all these situations, yet in the end I was nothing more than just a backlash!

My cousin was right. So were my parents and my best friend. The guy was making me a slut, someone loose in values and making me do the wrong things. I thought if I really loved him I would fight and prove them wrong, but in the end I was the one taken for a ride.

The thing is if it was my fault, I would not have been so upset. If I was the one two-timing, three-timing even, then I deserved everything. Casual outings with guy friends do not constitute as two-timing because we were just going out as friends, no strings attached and no physical activities.

I do not even know where I had gone wrong! I cooked for him, left him alone when he requested, did not kick up a fuss when he could not meet me, gave him space to sort out his problems, tried to help, gave him my time first rather than anything else. What else have I left out? I did not even push him into making a decision when my parents gave him an ultimatum, I let him take his time to reflect and think of what he wanted. So what went wrong?

My best friend wanted me to give her his number so she could "teach him a lesson" so to speak, but what use would that be? Perhaps I am just unlucky. So why am I always the one who is unlucky? Is it because I have led a sinful life, making a lot of people angry and offended, so now I am having my retribution? Perhaps it is true that there are no real good single guys left in the world. Do I still dare to keep my hopes up and dream of meeting that one special person, again?

Word Riddle

This is really good!

The question : What common English word is nine letters long, and each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English word .... from nine letters all the way down to a single remaining letter?

And this is the answer :

STARTLING

STARTING

STARING

STRING

STING

SING

SIN

IN

I

The person who came up with this is a genius indeed!

Change Is The Basis Of Life

Some inspiring articles and quotes ....

"It's not what we eat but what we digest that makes us strong; not what we gain but what we save that makes us rich; not what we read but what we remember that makes us learned; and not what we profess but what we practice that gives us integrity." --Francis Bacon

"For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it." --Ivan Panin

"Fulfillment of desire is an illusion; desire leads to more desire, not satisfaction." --Kathleen McDonald
(Paradoxically, we need desire to overcome desire too.)

Realisation: Why Resent a Fire for Burning?

"It is natural for the immature to harm others. Getting angry with them is like resenting fire for burning." --Shantideva

It is only perfectly natural and nothing illogical for fire to burn. To resent being burnt while touching fire or when touched by it is surely plain stupidity. As Stonepeace put it, "Being angry with the immature is immature. Being angry with our immaturity is also immature." Looking back, virtually all in my life so far, whom I thought ever held personal grudges against me happen to have similar attitudes toward many others. This means I do not really have "personal enemies" - it is not personal; they are just being their "usual" selves.

Thus, there is no need to take so-called "enemies" personally. Responding with understanding that our "enemies" are suffering from resentment is both kinder and wiser to them and to us. Of course, our karma conditions our encounters with problematic people in our lives, but we choose how to respond, thus changing our karma. To take enmity personally "feeds fuel to the fire" of negative karmic affinity. Taking it graciously with forgiveness helps to cool and extinguish the flames.

Here is an example of mutual fanning of a fire... Two persons brush against each other accidentally in a crowd, thus stirring up the "instant karma" of ill-will in each other. They might glare at each other with burning rage, each expecting an apology from the other. A fight might even break out. But the truth is, both were just following their nature of unmindfulness - which caused the unhappiness, which also resulted from unmindfulness.

It is really nothing personal - even if both take it extremely personally. There is no substantial "self" anyway, much less any "personal" enemies. "Self" is an illusion conjured by the aggregation of changing forms, feelings, perceptions, intentions and consciousness. As a common urge to dissolve tension goes - "Hey, no hard feelings!" Indeed, no feelings stay hard and fast since we constantly change mentally. To "hold" fast to ill-will instead of letting it go is unhealthy because it sustains hate, that eats you away by generating ill feelings repeatedly. It's self-defeating.

We should not bear any grudge against those who harm us, but have great compassion for them instead - because they eventually cause suffering for themselves through their constant "burning" of others around them. This sustains problems in their relationships while creating new problems. Those who burn others with hatred first burn themselves by harming their own peace of mind.

Just as such emotional disturbances harm them needlessly, there is no need to let their disturbances harm your peace of mind. If you come across anyone who might be nursing a grudge against you, why not forward them this article to share? Of course, to prevent more ill feelings from arising, it would be gentlemanly to remark thus - "Hi, here's something interesting to share. Sincerely hope you'll find it useful. If I'd ever been a 'fire' that burnt you purposely or accidentally, please forgive me. Please let me know my mistakes too." Sending this helps to "burn" your pridefulness away too. - Shen Shi'an (Inspired by Kinox)

"As the enemy of my enemy is me, our common enemy is enmity." --Stonepeace

Realisation : Change Is The Basis Of Life

"Because everything changes from moment to moment, we can only treasure everything in this moment. Because everything changes from moment to moment, we should not be attached to anything in this moment." --Stonepeace

The work of acknowledging everything in mindfulness leads us to a deeper view of what life is. It is very important to understand that impermanence is not a negative aspect of life. Impermanence is is the very basis of life. If what exists were not impermanent, no life could continue. If a grain of corn were not impermanent, it could not become a corn plant. If a tiny child were not impermanent, she could not grow into an adult.

Life is impermanent, but that does not mean it it not worth living. It is precisely because of its impermanece that we value life so dearly. Therefore we must know how to live each moment deeply and use it in a responsible way. If we are able to live the present moment completely, we will not feel regret later. We will know how to care for those who are close to us and know how to bring them happiness. When we accept that all things are impermanent, we will not be incapacitated by suffering when things decay and die. We can remain peaceful and content in the face of change, prosperity and decline, success and failure.

Redefine Your Reality

My first brother can sense I was in a depressed state, so he recommended me to go for this workshop called "Intimacy To Ecstasy". It is one of those motivational talks which gives people an insight on why they always end up in the wrong relationships and how to spice up one's love life. Hmmmm..... how does he know I need that?

It seems like a very interesting seminar, so I signed up for it. I managed to get the early bird discount of half price, and got several ebooks as a result. I have downloaded the books and glanced through them. Very interesting and inspiring! I am not one who enjoys non-fiction, but some of these books can make me a better person.

Hopefully I will emerge a new person at the end of the seminar.

Stye In The Eye ....

I managed to get daily disposable lenses. At an exorbitant price. Now I know why I never did wear daily disposables, because the price alone is enough to kill. The monthly disposables I wear cost me more than a hundred per year, but a months' supply of daily disposables already cost about a hundred. So if I am to buy a year's supply, it will cost more than three hundred, double the amount for monthly disposables!

I got the daily disposables for my upcoming trip. Usually I would wear my normal contacts and then bring along a small size bottle of solution, but after my lens got flushed down in Japan last year, and I had to go around looking like a nerd the rest of the trip, I decided to get daily disposables this time. Then I can cut the hassle of bringing along a case and solution, I just need to bring along the small box and the lenses can last me for fifteen days at least, just nice for my trip!

I just developed a stye in my eye. Not exactly in my eye, but under it. It is a lump on my bottom eyelid. It is not painful as I thought, just some sort of a welt or swelling. I thought it was due to stress, or frustration, or depression, or the mixed-up emotions I have lately. It is quite a surprise as I have never developed a stye before. I do not welcome it of course, as I have read that once a stye has developed, it will always come back.

Perhaps the problem lies in the fact that my contacts have expired. I did not deliberately wear expired contacts. What happened was that I bought a new supply of monthly disposables for a year last July. It was only lately that I realise the expiry date was December 2006!

No doubt I was not observant or careful enough, but as an optical professional, how can anyone sell a customer contacts that will expire within a few months if the supply is meant to last for a year? I bought the contacts in July 2006, and the expiry is December 2006, not even half a year! That is so unprofessional!

I wonder if I can sue? Bring the case up to the Consumer Association or claim from the Small Claims? Maybe I should bring it up to my boss tomorrow and get his advice on this.

Hats Off!

I did a real crazy thing today. I bought a hat! Not that crazy to buy a hat, but then no one in the right mind in this island will ever wear a hat out, so buying a hat here is something out of this world.

What triggered me to buy a hat? I happened to see it on display. The mannequin had on a pink T-shirt and jeans, with that hat. A pink furry (fake of course!) hat, with sunglasses. The icon of style! I fell in love with the hat, and since I have all the other items, I decided to get the hat and complete the ensemble.

This is not the first hat I have though. My first hat was given by my best friend. I still have it with me. It is a white, fisherman's type of hat, which was a hand-me-down from her. I wore it on our trip to Bintan.

Then I have other hats. I bought a white and black reversible hat a few years back, then my second ex bought me a light blue ski cap (those winter hats) on one of his trips overseas. I also got a free red hat from my third ex's mum. Needless to say, I seldom wear the hats since there is hardly an occasion to wear them here. I only wear them once in a blue moon when I have the sudden fancy.

But now that I bought the new hat, I am thinking of bringing it on the trip with me. At least it can come into use and not become a white elephant!

End Of My (Crowning) Glory ....

So I did it! Cut my hair, that is. The curls were getting really unruly and messy, so I snipped the whole thing off. Now my hair falls just past my shoulders, instead of hanging down to past my chest level. I changed my fringe to a layered side parting. I must say, after cutting off my tresses, my head feels so light, and I feel as if some of my burdens have been uplifted! Now I know why some girls swear on a change of hairstyle after some emotional events in their lives!

This is only the first stage though. After my paper, I plan to do another rebonding job. Initially, I thought of colouring again, but my highlights have not faded totally, so if I am to add a new colour, the effect may not look as good. Just in time for a new hairstyle for my overseas trip!

Coping With Emotions ....

This is a very bad time to be depressed. I cannot concentrate on anything at all! My examinations are in two weeks, I have urgent matters to handle at work, yet I was in a daze the whole day, hardly able to focus on anything. I can hardly eat anything, or sleep a wink last night. I think I have to go back and see my counsellor again.

The worst thing is that just when I thought I can make the right decision for myself, it turned out to be wrong again. I remember how I used to quarrel with my parents over my choice. They kept saying that the guy is not reliable, and I would end up suffering and hurt in the end. I refused to believe as I thought that my choice would not be that bad.

Now they are right, yet again. So what exactly was I fighting for? Did I know all along they were right, but I just wanted to show I could be right too and prove them wrong? I could not even tell my parents anything, as I did not wish to get a smirk or that "See, I told you so" attitude. The only person I have told is my best friend, and although she did not say anything, I know that she was telling me "I told you so" too. It is not that I am being too sensitive, but after twelve years of being such close friends, I more or less know her inside out and vice versa.

Why is it that now I am much older, and supposedly more in control of myself and my emotions, I still cannot keep a check on myself and be at peace? Why is it that I still get so messed up and emotional? It does not help matters that my second ex is having his wedding ceremony in July, in the church we decided on. It is like a whole smorgasboard of emotions just fell on me. All of a sudden I feel so alone, so small, so unvalued..... Maybe it will be good if I just disappear and not be a nuisance to others.

Making The Russian Trip

Although I am still depressed, there was a piece of good news today. My leave is approved! Yeah! So I will be away from June 27th to July 11th. A total of fifteen days. Which means the Russian trip is confirmed. We need fifteen people to make the trip, and now we are only short of two or three more, so most likely we shall be able to go. The flight will leave on the night of June 26th, stopover at Colombo and Dubai before finally reaching Moscow. Then we will leave Moscow on July 4th, direct to Malta, and leave Malta on July 10th via Rome and reach back here on July 11th.

Anyway, here is the proposed itinerary for the trip :

Day 1 - Arrive in Moscow. Free to explore the city. Dinner.

Day 2 - Kremlin Wall and Cathedrals of Assumption, Annunciation and Archangel. Church of Deposition of the Robe. Belfry of Ivan the Great. Patriarch's Palace. City tour of Moscow. Red Square. St Basil's Cathedral. Historical Museum and GUM Department Store.

Day 3 - Novgorod via Kiln. Short stop at Tchaikovsky House-Museum. Lunch.

Day 4 - City tour of Novgorod. Kremlin. St Sophia's Cathedral. Journey to St Petersburg, the "Venice of the North". Drive along the Neva river to visit the Aurora and St Issac Cathedral (world's fourth largest cathedral). Flea market (if time permits).

Day 5 - Petrodvorets Summer Palace. Winter Palace. Palace Square. The Peter and Paul Fortress. The Admiralty. The Nevsky Prospekt. Dinner and Russian Ballet. Transfer to overnight train back to Moscow.

Day 6 - Moscow Metro Station. Arbat Street. Moscow Circus Performance.

Day 7 - Trinity-St Sergius Monastery. Cathedral of Holy Trinity. Church of Holy Spirit. Cathedral of Dormition.

Day 8 - Flight to Malta. Family gathering and settling in.

Day 9 - Family gathering. Wedding Preparations.

Day 10 - Wedding Ceremony.

Days 11 to 13 - Tour of Malta. Family gathering.

Days 14 to 15 - Flight back home.

I cannot wait for the trip to come! It will be a good way for me to set my mind at peace, and maybe start over on a clean slate.

Heart Break Again ....

I am in a really bad mood. So bad that I am thinking of doing something drastic to my hair during the weekend. Scoff and laugh if you must, but if a girl does something to her hair, it almost always means she is going through a bad patch. The last time I did something really drastic to my hair was when my first relationship ended. I snipped my locks off from past my shoulders to a short boyish crop, which was a big mistake because my face does not take kindly to short hair. Then there was the rebonding and macadamia brown colour job I did when my second ex left me; then the perm and light brown colour when I was going through a depression patch last year.

But now I am depressed again. There are simply so many things on my mind. I am starting to hate myself, a lot. I thought I was able to handle things, to do what I want. But there is a vast difference between knowing what you want and what you end up with. Why is it that each time when I know what I want, in the end I ended up accepting something that is a bit off, and the consequence is that I end up being hurt and depressed and suffer?

Like in relationships. I used to think I would not settle for anyone who was less than the criteria I set out. The closest anyone came to my list was 90% of what I was looking for. Then I thought perhaps my expectations are too high. Instead, I should just go for someone I can get along instead of someone who fits all my criteria.

But when my last relationship ended, I started to wonder, perhaps I have been right all along? Perhaps I should choose someone that fits my criteria, instead of settling for just anyone lesser? Afterall, this determines my lifelong happiness. I have every right to be choosy, to be with the best person, instead of settling for second-best.

I only want to get married once, and that will be for life, so the person must be the right one, someone I can carve a future with, and not just any mere person who fits the criteria at a superficial level, but not able to achieve that at a deeper level. I do not want to get married only to head for the divorce court years down the road.

I believe that when it comes to love, there should only be one person in your heart. Love must be wholehearted. How can anyone love someone if he / she loves more than one person? In a way, love is selfish as it cannot be shared with anyone. So why is it that when I love a person so much, love a person so wholeheartedly, I end up being two-timed, three-timed even? I used to think only people who likes to flirt will two-time, but appearances are deceiving. Even the most decent and quiet guy will end up cheating on his partner.

Yes, love is selfish. One cannot simply share a guy or girl with anyone else. So why should I be the one to keep holding on if in the end, I am someone who is just a back up? Someone whom people meet just to kill time, just as a backup when the person is free, when the other person rather spend all the time with other people?

Am I just someone to be played with and then dumped aside? Someone whom no one cares to treat seriously, to be totally committed to, to even be truthful to? Am I not human like everyone else, or do people think I am one who can be easily fooled and persuaded by fancy stories and excuses? Or maybe it is my fault all along, to be so emotional. In that case, does it mean the guy can take advantage of my emotional state, of my being so in love and committed, to cheat me, to give all kinds of excuses, to keep me hanging on a string?!

What have I done in my life to deserve all these?! Am I really such a bad person that I do not deserve a good life, that I have to be punished and suffer heartbreaks after heartbreaks? That I shall never find someone to settle down with, and I will die a lonely old hag, never to be happy....

GAP Shopping Experience

At last I bought myself a pair of GAP jeans. I have heard of the boutique chain a long time ago, and was always hoping that there would be an outlet here. When GAP finally opened two outlets here last year, I had been wanting to visit the stores, but somehow never had the opportunity to go to the shopping malls where the shops are located.

Last month, I finally went into one of the shops. The clothes there are more hip than some of the other shops here. I wanted a new pair of jeans, dark navy blue, and the shop happened to have the colour I was looking for.

But not the size. The sizes ranged from 0 to 4, but only sizes 0 to 1 were on display. Needless to say, I was not able to fit into either one, because these sizes were designed for very petite people with very flat tummies and bums. Not for someone like me. I was rather disappointed, and thought that even though I had slimmed down somewhat, I was still not able to buy anything from a store like this!

Then a few days later, I went into the second outlet, which is bigger and has more variety. I saw the exact same jeans, and this time, all the sizes were on display. I tried on size 2 and it fits very well! So my jeans size has dropped! Not only that, I am back to wearing size S and XS (for some) again! More slimming sessions and workouts and I can go back to being XS and drop another jeans size!

The only catch is that the jeans is too long for me. I need to snip off at least five inches from the edges. So the clothes are not only for skinny people, but also for tall people! If you are not tall and skinny, then it will be almost impossible to find a perfect size! :-(

How I wish I can go into a store sells clothes perfect for me, for my size and height! No matter where I go, the clothes are either just right for my height, but too small in size, or else just right for my size but too long. What to do if I am the type who is in between?

Intense Competition And Faster Pace Of Living

My youngest brother did not make university. Or rather, he did not manage to make the course(s) he wanted. With his grades (Bs and Cs, no Ds), and fifty points above the cut-off for the SAT, he was still not able to make the course(s) he wanted. All three universities did not reply to him for the Business, Finance, Economics and Accounting courses. The only course that was offered was in Building and Real Estate, which he had no interest and only put it down as his last choice to take up the choices.

Scary! Is it so hard to enter a tertiary institution nowadays? There are more now as compared to in the past, and still not able to make it to any?! But I guess that cannot be helped, especially with the numerous youngsters nowadays who are so exam-smart and can score perfect scores without battling an eyelid. In light of the competition, it is not much of a surprise if someone with not many As was not selected. I thought it was hard enough ten years back during my time, so I must say, it must have been really lucky for me to be able to enter a tertiary institution and into the course(s) I wanted.

Competition is getting more intense lately. The pace of life is getting more and more stressful. Nowadays, nothing counts if one does not have the relevant qualifications, or graduate from a certain university, or whether one is a scholar or non-scholar. Is it any wonder then that so many are leaving for better pastures overseas? Just like the new immigrants who come here to have a better life, just as many of us are migrating to escape all the stress and high expenses of living in order to have a better life.

I have friends who moved to Australia, America and Canada, and they are enjoying themselves. My uncle in Sydney is the sole breadwinner, yet they can stay in a house just like mine, and each of my cousins has his own car. My friend sold off her flat and car and moved to Canada, and she is able to afford a decent house and two cars with less than the price of a flat here. Down here, many people work their lives away, and not even able to afford a landed property or more than one car!

Perhaps when the time comes, I may migrate. But then, I will miss my family and friends too much to be away for a long time.