It had been a depressing week. Yeah, what is new right? But when I actually missed "The Midsummer Night's Dream" last night, people who know me will know I am really, really depressed if I even miss Shakespeare! I had to call up the ticket agents and begged them to change to another timing for me. All's well ends well, so I will be going to watch the show after my examination next week, with a warning that I am not to repeat the mistake again.
I must thank a few people who have helped me through this brief difficult period. I will not mention any names, but you know who you are. You pulled me up when I was falling into an abyss, was not judgmental and enabled me to see things objectively. Come to think of it, it is now quite a relief, because those in the know know that I went through a lot the past few months. Certain things are not to be mentioned in public as I am liable to be sued, but let's just say that sometimes, one shows one's true colours only at a later stage in life.
So the question is, who initiated and what triggered it? It sort of started with my parents last year. They wanted to meet him, but he refused. They were angry because when I was in hospital and he came to see me, he told my family that actually he did not wish to come, but he came only because I asked him. When I asked him about that, he said perhaps it was a misunderstanding.
Anyway, he did not want to meet my parents as he did not want anymore trouble from them, after that bad experience he had when my dad grilled him. At that point in time, I was already feeling a little disappointed, as I thought if he treasured me, he would get to know my parents. No doubt a relationship focused on two people, but then that is not to say one should cut one off totally from one's family members as well.
And he did not wish to meet my friends too, despite the numerous times they asked him along. I thought perhaps he was not ready, give him more time. After one year, he still refused to meet my parents and my friends. So does that mean I am just a figure in hiding, that he refused to be seen with me in the company of others?!
Christmas Eve. My best friend called us out for a party, and to introduce her new boyfriend (new then). Again he refused. So I went ahead. He said to call him after I was done with the karaoke session then he would meet me after that. After the session, I contacted him but could not reach him. He did not call me back or to tell me if he was still meeting me. I went with my best friend for dinner, a movie, supper, and went home, and still no word from him.
The next day, there was still no word. Finally, I contacted him and casually asked if he was held up the day before. I asked in a different way several times; he hedged the question every time and refused to tell me what he was up to. I was thinking if he had nothing to hide, why so secretive? And besides, what was it he could not tell me? Still, I let it go.
New Year's Eve. I thought of spending the day with him. Again, he stood me up and became incommunicado and uncontactable. I do not mind if he could not meet me, but why could he not just let me know? Why must he suddenly disappear and became so secretive about his actions and whereabouts? I believe anyone would be suspicious.
Valentine's Day. He claimed he was too tired to meet me that day, so we did not go out, even though I was looking forward to it so much. Still I did not say anything. I bought him a Tag Heuer as a Valentine's Day gift. I contemplated for five years before finally getting a Tag Heuer for myself, yet I willingly bought him one without thinking as I wanted it to be a memorable gift. But he went to change it in front of me because he did not like the design.
That was when I got pissed. Nobody ever changes a gift, especially not in front of the person who gave the gift! First time in my life I gave something so expensive to someone, yet this is the first time someone ever changed the gift I got! I would never change anything anyone gave me, no matter the price, let alone a Valentine's Day gift given to me by someone whom I love!
Then he started to disappear more and more often, contacting me less and less. And the period when I was so busy with my work due to the renovations going on in my office and the revamping of the system, he did not even bother talking to me. One day, I got so stressed that I asked him if he could at least show a bit more concern for me, instead of just giving me monosyllabic answers whenever I tried to talk to him. It was like I could disappear for a year and come back and he would probably not even realise I was gone!
Then he said that I should not tell him what to do. He does not tell me what to do, let me live my life as I wish, so I should do the same for him. I was so disappointed! In the first place, I was not telling him what to do, merely expressing how I felt. In the second place, if he was in a relationship with me, should I even ask him to show me concern? Would this not be automatic? Must a girlfriend actually tell the guy to show her concern because she was feeling upset, when all along she already told him and he knew that she was stressed and frustrated?
Finally, I found out what my best friend had been suspecting - there are more people involved. Apparently, he had been seeing someone on and off for a long time already, and there was a period of time when he was feeling lonely and void, and that was where I came in. So what am I? A time filler? Someone he got involved in just because he felt lonely and wanted a companion?
I do not enter any relationship to be anyone's time fillers or backups! I may sound really selfish here, but when I enter a relationship, I want the guy to be mine and mine alone. I do not want to share the guy with anyone else! And he had the cheek to say that if I really love him, why must I care about his status? If I really love him, I would accept no matter the situation.
Then what about him? If he really loved me, would he have allowed me to be a backup? Would he have not placed me as number one in his heart, like I have placed him? Would he treat me as if I was just someone to be toyed with? Talk about really loving a person! I loved him enough to take his nonsense and bore with all these situations, yet in the end I was nothing more than just a backlash!
My cousin was right. So were my parents and my best friend. The guy was making me a slut, someone loose in values and making me do the wrong things. I thought if I really loved him I would fight and prove them wrong, but in the end I was the one taken for a ride.
The thing is if it was my fault, I would not have been so upset. If I was the one two-timing, three-timing even, then I deserved everything. Casual outings with guy friends do not constitute as two-timing because we were just going out as friends, no strings attached and no physical activities.
I do not even know where I had gone wrong! I cooked for him, left him alone when he requested, did not kick up a fuss when he could not meet me, gave him space to sort out his problems, tried to help, gave him my time first rather than anything else. What else have I left out? I did not even push him into making a decision when my parents gave him an ultimatum, I let him take his time to reflect and think of what he wanted. So what went wrong?
My best friend wanted me to give her his number so she could "teach him a lesson" so to speak, but what use would that be? Perhaps I am just unlucky. So why am I always the one who is unlucky? Is it because I have led a sinful life, making a lot of people angry and offended, so now I am having my retribution? Perhaps it is true that there are no real good single guys left in the world. Do I still dare to keep my hopes up and dream of meeting that one special person, again?
I must thank a few people who have helped me through this brief difficult period. I will not mention any names, but you know who you are. You pulled me up when I was falling into an abyss, was not judgmental and enabled me to see things objectively. Come to think of it, it is now quite a relief, because those in the know know that I went through a lot the past few months. Certain things are not to be mentioned in public as I am liable to be sued, but let's just say that sometimes, one shows one's true colours only at a later stage in life.
So the question is, who initiated and what triggered it? It sort of started with my parents last year. They wanted to meet him, but he refused. They were angry because when I was in hospital and he came to see me, he told my family that actually he did not wish to come, but he came only because I asked him. When I asked him about that, he said perhaps it was a misunderstanding.
Anyway, he did not want to meet my parents as he did not want anymore trouble from them, after that bad experience he had when my dad grilled him. At that point in time, I was already feeling a little disappointed, as I thought if he treasured me, he would get to know my parents. No doubt a relationship focused on two people, but then that is not to say one should cut one off totally from one's family members as well.
And he did not wish to meet my friends too, despite the numerous times they asked him along. I thought perhaps he was not ready, give him more time. After one year, he still refused to meet my parents and my friends. So does that mean I am just a figure in hiding, that he refused to be seen with me in the company of others?!
Christmas Eve. My best friend called us out for a party, and to introduce her new boyfriend (new then). Again he refused. So I went ahead. He said to call him after I was done with the karaoke session then he would meet me after that. After the session, I contacted him but could not reach him. He did not call me back or to tell me if he was still meeting me. I went with my best friend for dinner, a movie, supper, and went home, and still no word from him.
The next day, there was still no word. Finally, I contacted him and casually asked if he was held up the day before. I asked in a different way several times; he hedged the question every time and refused to tell me what he was up to. I was thinking if he had nothing to hide, why so secretive? And besides, what was it he could not tell me? Still, I let it go.
New Year's Eve. I thought of spending the day with him. Again, he stood me up and became incommunicado and uncontactable. I do not mind if he could not meet me, but why could he not just let me know? Why must he suddenly disappear and became so secretive about his actions and whereabouts? I believe anyone would be suspicious.
Valentine's Day. He claimed he was too tired to meet me that day, so we did not go out, even though I was looking forward to it so much. Still I did not say anything. I bought him a Tag Heuer as a Valentine's Day gift. I contemplated for five years before finally getting a Tag Heuer for myself, yet I willingly bought him one without thinking as I wanted it to be a memorable gift. But he went to change it in front of me because he did not like the design.
That was when I got pissed. Nobody ever changes a gift, especially not in front of the person who gave the gift! First time in my life I gave something so expensive to someone, yet this is the first time someone ever changed the gift I got! I would never change anything anyone gave me, no matter the price, let alone a Valentine's Day gift given to me by someone whom I love!
Then he started to disappear more and more often, contacting me less and less. And the period when I was so busy with my work due to the renovations going on in my office and the revamping of the system, he did not even bother talking to me. One day, I got so stressed that I asked him if he could at least show a bit more concern for me, instead of just giving me monosyllabic answers whenever I tried to talk to him. It was like I could disappear for a year and come back and he would probably not even realise I was gone!
Then he said that I should not tell him what to do. He does not tell me what to do, let me live my life as I wish, so I should do the same for him. I was so disappointed! In the first place, I was not telling him what to do, merely expressing how I felt. In the second place, if he was in a relationship with me, should I even ask him to show me concern? Would this not be automatic? Must a girlfriend actually tell the guy to show her concern because she was feeling upset, when all along she already told him and he knew that she was stressed and frustrated?
Finally, I found out what my best friend had been suspecting - there are more people involved. Apparently, he had been seeing someone on and off for a long time already, and there was a period of time when he was feeling lonely and void, and that was where I came in. So what am I? A time filler? Someone he got involved in just because he felt lonely and wanted a companion?
I do not enter any relationship to be anyone's time fillers or backups! I may sound really selfish here, but when I enter a relationship, I want the guy to be mine and mine alone. I do not want to share the guy with anyone else! And he had the cheek to say that if I really love him, why must I care about his status? If I really love him, I would accept no matter the situation.
Then what about him? If he really loved me, would he have allowed me to be a backup? Would he have not placed me as number one in his heart, like I have placed him? Would he treat me as if I was just someone to be toyed with? Talk about really loving a person! I loved him enough to take his nonsense and bore with all these situations, yet in the end I was nothing more than just a backlash!
My cousin was right. So were my parents and my best friend. The guy was making me a slut, someone loose in values and making me do the wrong things. I thought if I really loved him I would fight and prove them wrong, but in the end I was the one taken for a ride.
The thing is if it was my fault, I would not have been so upset. If I was the one two-timing, three-timing even, then I deserved everything. Casual outings with guy friends do not constitute as two-timing because we were just going out as friends, no strings attached and no physical activities.
I do not even know where I had gone wrong! I cooked for him, left him alone when he requested, did not kick up a fuss when he could not meet me, gave him space to sort out his problems, tried to help, gave him my time first rather than anything else. What else have I left out? I did not even push him into making a decision when my parents gave him an ultimatum, I let him take his time to reflect and think of what he wanted. So what went wrong?
My best friend wanted me to give her his number so she could "teach him a lesson" so to speak, but what use would that be? Perhaps I am just unlucky. So why am I always the one who is unlucky? Is it because I have led a sinful life, making a lot of people angry and offended, so now I am having my retribution? Perhaps it is true that there are no real good single guys left in the world. Do I still dare to keep my hopes up and dream of meeting that one special person, again?
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