This is a very bad time to be depressed. I cannot concentrate on anything at all! My examinations are in two weeks, I have urgent matters to handle at work, yet I was in a daze the whole day, hardly able to focus on anything. I can hardly eat anything, or sleep a wink last night. I think I have to go back and see my counsellor again.
The worst thing is that just when I thought I can make the right decision for myself, it turned out to be wrong again. I remember how I used to quarrel with my parents over my choice. They kept saying that the guy is not reliable, and I would end up suffering and hurt in the end. I refused to believe as I thought that my choice would not be that bad.
Now they are right, yet again. So what exactly was I fighting for? Did I know all along they were right, but I just wanted to show I could be right too and prove them wrong? I could not even tell my parents anything, as I did not wish to get a smirk or that "See, I told you so" attitude. The only person I have told is my best friend, and although she did not say anything, I know that she was telling me "I told you so" too. It is not that I am being too sensitive, but after twelve years of being such close friends, I more or less know her inside out and vice versa.
Why is it that now I am much older, and supposedly more in control of myself and my emotions, I still cannot keep a check on myself and be at peace? Why is it that I still get so messed up and emotional? It does not help matters that my second ex is having his wedding ceremony in July, in the church we decided on. It is like a whole smorgasboard of emotions just fell on me. All of a sudden I feel so alone, so small, so unvalued..... Maybe it will be good if I just disappear and not be a nuisance to others.
The worst thing is that just when I thought I can make the right decision for myself, it turned out to be wrong again. I remember how I used to quarrel with my parents over my choice. They kept saying that the guy is not reliable, and I would end up suffering and hurt in the end. I refused to believe as I thought that my choice would not be that bad.
Now they are right, yet again. So what exactly was I fighting for? Did I know all along they were right, but I just wanted to show I could be right too and prove them wrong? I could not even tell my parents anything, as I did not wish to get a smirk or that "See, I told you so" attitude. The only person I have told is my best friend, and although she did not say anything, I know that she was telling me "I told you so" too. It is not that I am being too sensitive, but after twelve years of being such close friends, I more or less know her inside out and vice versa.
Why is it that now I am much older, and supposedly more in control of myself and my emotions, I still cannot keep a check on myself and be at peace? Why is it that I still get so messed up and emotional? It does not help matters that my second ex is having his wedding ceremony in July, in the church we decided on. It is like a whole smorgasboard of emotions just fell on me. All of a sudden I feel so alone, so small, so unvalued..... Maybe it will be good if I just disappear and not be a nuisance to others.
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