I am in a really bad mood. So bad that I am thinking of doing something drastic to my hair during the weekend. Scoff and laugh if you must, but if a girl does something to her hair, it almost always means she is going through a bad patch. The last time I did something really drastic to my hair was when my first relationship ended. I snipped my locks off from past my shoulders to a short boyish crop, which was a big mistake because my face does not take kindly to short hair. Then there was the rebonding and macadamia brown colour job I did when my second ex left me; then the perm and light brown colour when I was going through a depression patch last year.
But now I am depressed again. There are simply so many things on my mind. I am starting to hate myself, a lot. I thought I was able to handle things, to do what I want. But there is a vast difference between knowing what you want and what you end up with. Why is it that each time when I know what I want, in the end I ended up accepting something that is a bit off, and the consequence is that I end up being hurt and depressed and suffer?
Like in relationships. I used to think I would not settle for anyone who was less than the criteria I set out. The closest anyone came to my list was 90% of what I was looking for. Then I thought perhaps my expectations are too high. Instead, I should just go for someone I can get along instead of someone who fits all my criteria.
But when my last relationship ended, I started to wonder, perhaps I have been right all along? Perhaps I should choose someone that fits my criteria, instead of settling for just anyone lesser? Afterall, this determines my lifelong happiness. I have every right to be choosy, to be with the best person, instead of settling for second-best.
I only want to get married once, and that will be for life, so the person must be the right one, someone I can carve a future with, and not just any mere person who fits the criteria at a superficial level, but not able to achieve that at a deeper level. I do not want to get married only to head for the divorce court years down the road.
I believe that when it comes to love, there should only be one person in your heart. Love must be wholehearted. How can anyone love someone if he / she loves more than one person? In a way, love is selfish as it cannot be shared with anyone. So why is it that when I love a person so much, love a person so wholeheartedly, I end up being two-timed, three-timed even? I used to think only people who likes to flirt will two-time, but appearances are deceiving. Even the most decent and quiet guy will end up cheating on his partner.
Yes, love is selfish. One cannot simply share a guy or girl with anyone else. So why should I be the one to keep holding on if in the end, I am someone who is just a back up? Someone whom people meet just to kill time, just as a backup when the person is free, when the other person rather spend all the time with other people?
Am I just someone to be played with and then dumped aside? Someone whom no one cares to treat seriously, to be totally committed to, to even be truthful to? Am I not human like everyone else, or do people think I am one who can be easily fooled and persuaded by fancy stories and excuses? Or maybe it is my fault all along, to be so emotional. In that case, does it mean the guy can take advantage of my emotional state, of my being so in love and committed, to cheat me, to give all kinds of excuses, to keep me hanging on a string?!
What have I done in my life to deserve all these?! Am I really such a bad person that I do not deserve a good life, that I have to be punished and suffer heartbreaks after heartbreaks? That I shall never find someone to settle down with, and I will die a lonely old hag, never to be happy....
But now I am depressed again. There are simply so many things on my mind. I am starting to hate myself, a lot. I thought I was able to handle things, to do what I want. But there is a vast difference between knowing what you want and what you end up with. Why is it that each time when I know what I want, in the end I ended up accepting something that is a bit off, and the consequence is that I end up being hurt and depressed and suffer?
Like in relationships. I used to think I would not settle for anyone who was less than the criteria I set out. The closest anyone came to my list was 90% of what I was looking for. Then I thought perhaps my expectations are too high. Instead, I should just go for someone I can get along instead of someone who fits all my criteria.
But when my last relationship ended, I started to wonder, perhaps I have been right all along? Perhaps I should choose someone that fits my criteria, instead of settling for just anyone lesser? Afterall, this determines my lifelong happiness. I have every right to be choosy, to be with the best person, instead of settling for second-best.
I only want to get married once, and that will be for life, so the person must be the right one, someone I can carve a future with, and not just any mere person who fits the criteria at a superficial level, but not able to achieve that at a deeper level. I do not want to get married only to head for the divorce court years down the road.
I believe that when it comes to love, there should only be one person in your heart. Love must be wholehearted. How can anyone love someone if he / she loves more than one person? In a way, love is selfish as it cannot be shared with anyone. So why is it that when I love a person so much, love a person so wholeheartedly, I end up being two-timed, three-timed even? I used to think only people who likes to flirt will two-time, but appearances are deceiving. Even the most decent and quiet guy will end up cheating on his partner.
Yes, love is selfish. One cannot simply share a guy or girl with anyone else. So why should I be the one to keep holding on if in the end, I am someone who is just a back up? Someone whom people meet just to kill time, just as a backup when the person is free, when the other person rather spend all the time with other people?
Am I just someone to be played with and then dumped aside? Someone whom no one cares to treat seriously, to be totally committed to, to even be truthful to? Am I not human like everyone else, or do people think I am one who can be easily fooled and persuaded by fancy stories and excuses? Or maybe it is my fault all along, to be so emotional. In that case, does it mean the guy can take advantage of my emotional state, of my being so in love and committed, to cheat me, to give all kinds of excuses, to keep me hanging on a string?!
What have I done in my life to deserve all these?! Am I really such a bad person that I do not deserve a good life, that I have to be punished and suffer heartbreaks after heartbreaks? That I shall never find someone to settle down with, and I will die a lonely old hag, never to be happy....
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