Love Is Blind And All-Encompassing

"What is your new year resolution?" my best friend asked me the other day. "A bit belated right?" I answered. "No, by right it is still the new year since the fifteen days (of the Lunar New Year) have not gone by", she said. I had no idea how to answer her because somehow I do not believe in resolutions anymore. Then she said, "Perhaps you should examine what is going in and think to yourself whether you are happy, if you feel it is worthy continuing." And that jolted me back to reality. She can really read my mind!

This made me think about a conversation that emerged with a friend some time last week. His girlfriend (ex?) just left him. Honestly, from what he described, I never felt she was really serious about him. I felt she was only using him as an anchor to depend on. I did not tell him that of course. But if the girl really loved him, why would she mind if he is not earning enough to supply her with credit cards, or to bring her for an expensive holiday, or to buy a car and drive her around, like her ex did? And why would she keep flaunting how good her ex was in front of him, who was her so-called current (not current anymore) boyfriend? If she really loved him, she would accept everything of him, and not mind even if he was not rich because afterall, one should fall in love with one's character and not one's background or money.

Anyway I was lending him a listening ear. Then I sort of comforted him by saying that a better one would sure come along, there will sure be someone who would appreciate him for what he is and not just after what he can provide. To which he said, "People always think there is a better choice, that is why they are never satisfied." Hmmmm..... but in this case, the girl was not serious, so why should he not hope for a better one, who will give him the respect and love he deserves?

I should apply that to myself I guess. Perhaps what he said is true, people always think there is a better one, so they are never satisfied. But should one be satisfied with someone who cannot be fully committed, who cannot even make up the mind where the priorities lie? In this case, are there others who are better? But for someone like me who lives on my heart, I will choose to hold on as long as my heart still belongs. My parents are exasperated of course, as they view that there are so many whom they deem as "better", so why must I be stuck with someone who have so many other commitments that he can only give me a fraction of his time?

I always feel that if I love someone, it means accepting the person as a whole. So what if he has his moods? I do too. Even though I am the type who feels love should be expressed, in words and gestures, in actions, but he feels it is not necessary, I still accept it because that is what he is. Even though I do not like it whenever he goes incommunicado when he is troubled, as to me, I feel that as a couple, one should always confide in each other, because that is why I am with him - to share his happiness and sadness, troubles and burdens. But to him, he feels it is no use telling me his problems as I will not be able to solve it, so he rather not burden me at all, I still accept it. To me, it is not a matter of solving problems, but to feel trusted enough to be confided in. Afterall, if he loves me like he claims, why should he not trust me fully?

But my parents and best friend fears I may be taken for a ride. They fear he is not serious, that he is only toying with my feelings. Like what my best friend says, if everyone who cares for me is telling me the same thing, it must be true. Maybe love is blind, or maybe I am biased, but I always feel I am in a better position to know if he is serious or not. I do not wish to just succumb to pressure and end things and then regret, or worse, go for someone else and then still think of him. I have done that once, and regretted it very very much, so never again will I ever be this unfair to anyone.

But at times when I could not get through to him, at times when I felt so frustrated, at times when I felt I wanted more involvement in his life, I started to reflect on how we got together in the first place. What he had done for me, what we had agreed on, how I felt (and still feel) whenever I am with him, I then feel that everything is worth it. Why? Simply because he is the one who has my entire heart. And unless a new heart grows to replace the one I had given him, I will continue holding on. Senseless and stupid as it may sound to most people, but that is just what love is.

Character : Inborn Or Taught?

What determines a person's character? Is it determined from birth, or the way one was brought up? This is another nature vs nurture question. Is it true that if the kid is naturally good, he / she can more or less be left alone and not much damage would be done, whereas if the kid has a wild streak, more time has to be taken to bring him / her up well? How did some people become so righteous whereas others think nothing of committing crimes?

When a child or person turns bad, whose fault is it? Is it because the child is already a difficult one, or is it because the parents neglect him / her, or the environment he / she is in that causes him / her to become like this? People say that if kids grow up in a messy background, he / she will end up being a messy person. Yet there are others who come from equally messy backgrounds and remain rooted. So what determines how a person will turn out?

Even for those who belong to the same family, with the same parents, brought up the same way, why are they so different? Perhaps the parents spent more time on one than the others, but still, if they are from the same parents, their values would be similar. Yet why then are the siblings so different? Is it the parents' fault, or is it because the children are different, so no matter how they are brought up, the natural character always shows?

Is character also determined by the type of background? For instance, if someone was born with a silver spoon, and the parents themselves were wealthy for the past few generations, chances are they would be priviledged and take things for granted. Because things have always been easy for whatever they want, they may not be able to understand why it is a struggle for some people. For instance, some people can breeze through their studies so easily and good in everything. They will never be able to understand that there are others who find it a struggle to study and score well, and not able to achieve in things.

There can be others who are rich in material comfort, love and have everyone at their beck and call. Perhaps they may not be able to understand why the world can be so cruel and people can suffer. All it takes is one incident and they may go bankrupt, or have a heart break, or someone refusing to do their bidding, and they will then wonder why that is happening to them and not knowing how to handle.

But the world is like that. Not everyone is rich, not everyone is priviledged, not everyone can experience love, and not everyone is smart. But is it anyone's fault that a person grows up thinking the world of himself and thinking the whole world and everything will go right for him? Is this due to the natural character, or the way he was brought up, or the environment he grew up in?

Of Gladiators And The Roman Colosseum

Last night I attended an interesting lecture on the Roman Colosseum and its glory days of the gladiators. The Colosseum became the biggest arena for gladiator shows, which existed long before the Colosseum was built. One will get an idea from the Russell Crowe's show "Gladiator". Apparently, the Romans and gladiators had power, violence and cruelty, spectacle, excess, sex, depravity and madness. Thus, being a gladiator in those days was a form of glory, they were the highest ranking of slaves and prisoners as they were trained to fight. Even though the general public viewed them as low-class, the ranks of prostitutes and actors, but women (even married and high-ranking ones) were willing to run away with them. That was the appeal of a gladiator.

How did the gladiatorial combat came about? It originally started off with gladiatorial schools to train gladiators to put up shows for private functions at funerals of the rich. Before that were human sacrifices, so in a way, the Romans viewed gladiatorial shows as a humane improvement. The combat later developed to be part of civic and religious festivals, and then the Roman citizens began to demand the games as a right, so the Emperor Augustus (Julius Caesar's successor) made the games a public spectacle.

However, to keep crowds coming, since the Colosseum had to seat fifty thousand spectators within fifteen minutes (no idea how the statistic came about), the various Roman Emperors started to "modify" the games and made them more cruel. The number of gladiators started increasing, only to kill off each other in the arena, there were mock sea battles where the arena was flooded, women prisoners were used, audience started participating in the games, pitting women against cripples, cripples against cripples, using dwarves, women against dwarves, enacting mythological stories, having bulls copulating with women, and even the Emperors themselves participated in the games! All in a bid to make the games interesting, but that left a rather bad taste in my mouth.

Yet the games were important to the Romans as it was a show of the great power of the Roman empire. And to them, nothing gave them greater pleasure than to see criminals being punished publicly, through various means like fighting with animals or with each other. A typical day in the arena could start off with wild beast shows, where the prisoners would fight against all the lions and tigers and leopards, even elephants and bears. Lunchtime would feature executions and crucifixions of slaves. There were times when Christian prisoners were crucified and burnt just to get enough light from the fire. The afternoon would feature gladiatorial combat. How popular an Emperor was was determined by the types of games he put up.

The Colosseum itself became very important to the Romans, as it was a symbol of unity, and enabled the Emperor to connect with his people. It was a proof of Rome triumphing over civilisation. It was an architectural masterpiece that demonstrated power. As the saying goes, "When the Colosseum falls, so falls Rome and all the world". Perhaps that was why the Roman empire came to an end, because the Colosseum fell?

Yet in the end, the games had to be abandoned. Partly because Rome suffered a food shortage for a period of time, so prisoners and gladiators were released so that they would not need to be fed. Then Rome became Christian, and the Emperor of that time banned the games after a Christian monk (priest?) who protested against the gladiatorial combats jumped between two gladiators and was killed. The games also became too lavish and expensive, and during the last days until the final fall of the Empire, they were not that popular anymore.

In modern times, people may view the games as too barbaric and cruel, but then come to think of it, are we any better? The prisoners and gladiators knew their fate, and they participated in the games knowing they would die, and looked death in the eye. Whereas in modern society, others bombed places from afar and killed innocent people without wanting to face the consequences. There are also still public executions in many countries, violent and blood sports, sex shows and slavery (in many forms). So come to think of it, are we really that much more moral than the Romans were?

Never A Well-Scorer

My first brother needed a new phone, so I took the opportunity to get him the red Motorazr v3, complete with a new card. Now I am happy I can do my part for (Product) Red. In the end, he said the phone is too girlish so used my old phone instead, with the new card. Oh well, it does not matter, I can use the phone for myself and keep the other new one I have as a spare.

My youngest brother's examination results will be released today. Needless to say, my whole family is in a nervous frenzy over it. The results released today will determine if he can make it to university, and which university, which course, and if it would be the course he likes. His entire future will be determined just on the examination results alone.

This reminded me of those times when I would be in a nervous state doing the examinations, and then would be in an even more nervous state awaiting the results. My parents expected nothing less than perfect scores or straight As, and this is something I have never ever achieved in all my years of studying. I really envy those who can get straight As so easily!

So each time the results were announced and I failed to make an A, I would go home dejected, scared out of my skin as I had no idea how my mum would lecture me again. As I mentioned, the way she lectures can cause severe emotional damages in a growing child. This happened year after year.

I made the top thirty of the cohort every year, but never the top, and even though I always ended up in the best class, it was never enough for my parents, especially with cousins who always scored perfect scores and top of the cohort year after year. So whenever my relatives and parents were comparing results, they would proudly say my cousins were top (again!), and my mum would then whisper that I only made the top twenty, never even the top ten, let alone the top.

National examinations were worse as they determined which school I would go to, which course I could be in. With precedents of perfect scorers before me, I was expected to meet up. Thus, when my Primary School Leaving Certificate reflected only 2 A*, 1 A and a B, I was horrified. Never in the history of my family (my generation) has anyone scored less than 3 A*, and certainly no one ever scored a B! My mum was so disappointed that she did not talk to me for a week after that.

The same thing happened during streaming in Secondary Two. I was expected to make the triple science class, as everyone had made the triple science class, and the schools they attended were much better than mine. To make the class, one would be ranked according to results scored in English, Literature, Mathematics and Science. It must be a full A1 for Mathematics and Science and at least a A2 for English and Literature before one had the chance to make the class.

So when the examination results were released, I barely made A1 for Mathematics and Science, and A2 for English and Literature. I was fretting over which class I would end up in, and when I saw the list, my name was right at the bottom for the triple science class. I made it through the skin of my teeth. I was relieved, but on the other hand, I would have much preferred to be in the pure Arts class with the combination of Geography, History and Literature.

My secondary school leaving examinations were worse. I was so nervous that I hardly knew if I wrote the correct answers in the examinations. As with precedent, I could not score less than eight A1s, and I was taking nine subjects. When the results were out, my mum was next to me. My fingers were shaking when I was tearing the sides of the sheet bearing my results.

When I saw the results, I wanted to cry, not for joy. I only made five As - three A1s and two A2s. The rest were Bs and Cs. First time someone in my family achieved Bs and Cs instead of just As. I saw the big frown on my mum's face and I knew I was in trouble.

Since then, my results never picked up. The examination I took to determine a university place only achieved three As, instead of four as expected of me. My tertiary examinations were worse. As were almost non-existent, mostly Bs and Cs, and even though I graduated with a Pass with Merit, it was not enough with all the first-class honours, scholars and top graduates I am facing.

It had been very stressful growing up. My brother never seem to have as much stress. Perhaps because my family has more girls, and the girls are smarter and more capable than the guys, and to me, I am considered the worst of the girls as no one can ever understand why is it I can never score as well as the rest, and I can never understand how is it anyone can score so well so easily. Meanwhile, I have submitted my assignment and will be in a nervous frenzy next week when the tutor returns the assignment, as I have to see if I can at least achieve an A this time round.

Narrow-Mindedness?

At times I get really exasperated at how ridiculous some people can be. I do not know whether that is just childishness, or narrow-mindedness, or a spoilt brat, or self-centredness, thinking that the world only consists of themselves and no others. Thus, no one is allowed to be even remotely similar, since everyone is unique.

No doubt everyone is unique and different, but does that mean that no two persons can like the same things or have the same background? Uniqueness only applies to one's character and quirks, but for background, hobbies and interests, there are millions out there who are similar. Does it mean that if I stay in a landed property, no one else is then allowed to stay in one too? Or if I read a certain book, no one else is allowed to read that book? Of course not!

Yet this is just how a certain person feels. It was a group chat with several others, and this person mentioned about going to watch the Phantom, to which I said I will also be going. With that, I got rebutted, asking why did I say I want to go after she mentioned she was going? Erh, because I am going and have already gotten the tickets? Anyway does it matter?

Apparently it does to her. Coincidentally, she stays in a landed property, also have two brothers, was born in the same month as me, and has the same taste in books, movies and music. So she accused me of copying her actions. She said no one else she knows stays in a landed property, and no one likes her type of shows and music. Well, that is the same gripe I have - no one appreciates what I appreciate! She said why did she mention all these then I mentioned? If it was true, I could have mentioned long ago.

I did not mention because I did not see the need to? And I mentioned after that because since she was sharing so I shared too? Is there anything wrong with that? She can check my identity card where my address and birth date is stated. Is she trying to say that I faked my credentials too? And how is it possible for anyone here to fake his / her own identity card in the first place?

What I do not understand is why is she making a big deal out of minor things like that? And why do I somehow meet people like this? It is not the first time already that I have been accused of copying when I was just stating facts and being myself. Maybe I really should brush up on my people skills so that I can actually make and keep friends, instead of being bumped off just like that.

Embroiled In Politics ....

One thing I dislike working in a company is the amount of politicking. Corporate suits normally equate to corporate bitching and backstabbing. The company I am working for right now is not as bad as others I have worked for, as the culture is family-friendly and places emphasis on loyalty, but that is not to say that office politics are non-existent.

One thing I observe in every company is that people have their own cliques. So if you do not belong to that particular clique, you will somehow be ostracised. You will not be asked to lunch, nor offered to buy lunch for you, and even if you offered to buy lunch or snacks, they will refuse, but when it is someone from the clique they will accept. Furthermore, people will not talk much to you, nor help you, and when you mess up something, they blow things out of proportion and you get into big trouble. As a result, if you are not able to get along with certain people, you will be a loner and have to fear for yourself.

This was what had been happening to me the past few days. My rank is that of an executive, but I assist the Legal Counsel, so I am in between a secretary and a professional support officer. The senior secretaries and assistants are on the same scale as me. My level is where the corporate office is, so most of the directors and high-ranking officers are there, which means most of the secretaries are there too. Needless to say, the secretaries themselves are in a group of their own, often going for lunch and buying lottery together.

I do not mind not being part of the group, because these are normal heartlanders who speak more Mandarin, married with kids, and forever dreaming of striking lottery. I seem to be an outcast, but that is ok as we have different interests so even if I am part of their group, I have no idea what to talk to them about or relate to what they say, as they will be talking about their families, children and in-laws. But because I am not part of their group, I seem to have this feeling that I am not welcomed. My boss expresses the same view too, that the people here are cliqueish and does not make a new staff feel welcome.

And because I am not part of the group, they do not take it upon themselves to help or guide me along, and leave me to settle in on my own and seem so reluctant to help. A few days back, our managing director asked for a certain document that was dated ten years ago. The documents I know are stored in the data room, as they were used when the company got listed. Whatever that was not in the data room would be in the fire safe.

However, the old documents were nowhere to be found. When I spoke to the secretary who was handling the documents, she told me to look for it myself; it would be somewhere. It was precisely because I have looked everywhere and not able to find the document that I asked her! If I could find, why would I even want to bother her? So I looked all over again and still could not find it. I politely and apologetically asked her again, and then she reluctantly told me there was a storage room somewhere at the back where the old documents are stored.

Six months in the company, and only now someone tells me there is a storage room for old documents?! It is not as if the room was so easily obvious and accessible; I had to go to the back of the building before I even saw it! When I went in, I wanted to faint on the spot because everything was in a mess. Those may be old documents, but if they were to be haphazardly kept, it would be like looking for a needle in a haystack! Anyway I managed to find the document, but could people not make my job easier by just telling me in the first place where I would most likely find the documents? Then I could have saved a lot of time. It was not as if I had so much time to go searching for documents all over. I have other work to do as well.

Another incident was due to some documents which I vetted for the China company. Apparently, no one bothered keeping me in the loop after I sent out the amended draft. And since no one said anything, I took it that the documents were fine, as is the practice. It was only when a colleague asked me about the status of the documents that I realised that the documents were not executed yet. When I asked if the documents were ready for execution, all she said was she did not know and asked me to check my emails. But how to check if I was not kept in the loop for the later negotiations? I had to spend some time asking all around before someone got back to me, sending me the final version of the documents before I was able to get everything ready.

Why could people not make their instructions clear from the start? This would save lots of miscommunication and trouble. For anyone to work efficiently and effectively, he / she would need to know what is going on, and if no one bothered to brief the person from the start, nor help when the person asked, can one really be blamed for not knowing what to do and where to search for things?

What A House!

I just came back from a company gathering at the chief's place. I was struck speechless at the house. People have been telling me that my house is big (which I never once thought so, just a small humble abode), but that house alone is a mansion on a hill top! My house probably takes up only a tenth or even less of the land area!

The biggest house I have seen is my relative's place (the one who owns a listed company), three storeys with a big garden, swimming pool, koi pond, patio and a driveway big enough for nine Jaguars, but even his property is probably only a quarter of the size of my chief's property! His house is literally a hotel! Big, wide, spacious rooms, three storeys, a full-sized Olympic pool (not kidding!), a wide koi pond, and a lawn that is big enough to cater to the whole company for a sit-down dinner. In fact, the lawn is just like a mini restaurant where people can sit down and eat buffets and sing karaoke.

Come to think of it, why on earth would anyone say this island is too small to build landed property, which is why majority has to live in flats, when this house alone is equivalent to about five big houses? But considering who my chief and his wife are, it is no surprise. For those who know exactly which company I am working for, they will know that the couple is very established in their own rights. The chief himself holds several portfolios, including the dean of one of the universities.

His wife is even better. He himself admits that his wife is the more powerful partner. She is an inspiration to women all around - someone with looks, brains, capability, money, power, and married to a wealthy and powerful man, a good wife and mother, yet equally successful at work. She was a former Nominated Member of Parliament as well as former President of one of the feminist groups, yet equally devoted to conservation of the environment and community service. Together those two make a perfect combination.

But only the lucky few gets to be like that. For me, I have to be contented living a simple life, and being like any other normal people.

Interesting Statues ....

Received these from a friend. If only I can find out which countries these belong to ....

Wonder if these are real or just superimposed?

More Feasting

The gathering last night was a success! I am very glad over the turnout, and everyone had fun, especially in meeting new people and networking around. At least I get to meet some other cool and fun-loving friends!

It was the first gathering of the writing group for me. I always get nervous and shy meeting new people, although I am much better now. In the past, I would fidget and wonder what to say to others, whether I should impress and if they would think I am someone with no substances whatsoever. But after being in and out of various groups, I have learnt to open up and realise that meeting new people is not as scary as I thought. I just need to be real and myself and that is all that matters.

The gathering started with dinner at Gluttons Bay, an open court with rows of food stalls specialising in local fare, just outside the Esplanade. This open food court is highly recommended by local food gurus, and the food is real good! We had barbecued chicken wings, local carrot cake (both black and white), stingray, satay, fruit, vegetables, murtabak, noodles and a few other dishes.

Then we proceeded to Max Brenner for a chocolate feast. I had a chocolate lick, consisting of liquid milk chocolate with chocolate pops, and the rest had variety of chocolate dishes ranging from truffle to strawberry chocolate milk to waffles to suckaos. A great feast!

Meanwhile, here are the photos from the gathering. Enjoy!

Food... Glorious Food

More Food ....

The pretty ladies

More pretty ladies

The handsome dudes

The cool guy

Our (almost) complete group

Chocolate Feast

My Chcolate Lick

How do you eat this? Dip the ice-cream stick into the milk chocolate, then roll it over the chocolate bits and let the bits stick to the liquid. Heavenly! Unfortunately, I never did manage to stick more than one bit at a time, so in the end I gave up and just put the bits into the milk chocolate and dipped it up a few at a time.

All in all, it was a great time for everyone. I can hardly wait to attend the next gathering!

Life Book At Last!

Finally, I got my laptop! My own white Fujitsu LifeBook P7230! For this, I have to pay through my nose for two years, but nothing gives me greater joy than to own my own laptop, something I have always wanted ever since school days! I have not started using it yet though, as I have to study the manual carefully first before operating it. For now, I am still using the computers at my home and office.

The laptop comes with the new Microsoft Vista operating system, complete with Office 2007 and the Vista-compatible virus software PCilin. Which makes me wonder, in this case, does it mean any other programs I want to download would not be compatible with the laptop? But by right, it should be alright I think, because afterall, newer systems are almost always able to run older softwares, but not vice versa. Besides the new system, the laptop also comes with a webcam, microphone speakers, DVD Reader / Writer, wireless internet access and a fingerprint scanner to log in. Which means I need not type in any password, I can just log in using my finger! Technology is really wonderful at times.

That day when I went down to the computer shop to get the laptop, the shop assistant was really helpful. He treated me like a real customer, but at the same time, did not assume that I know nothing. Comparatively, some of the other shops I went into, the assistants looked so shocked. Afterall, one does not normally see a lone lady wandering around in a computer mall. Most ladies would be accompanied by their families or partners.

Thus, some of the shop assistants either looked me up and down in a way as if they thought I was in some "chicken business", or else they tried to be "smart-alecks" and tried pulling me into their stores and giving me all kinds of unwanted advice. If I am to step into a shop, I know exactly what I wanted, so why not let me browse and compare on my own instead of listening to non-stop irritating blabber? When I found the shop I wanted, I told that particular sales assistant exactly what I wanted and he just got for me without any questions. If only the other customer service officers could be like this!

Appreciation Of The Sonnet

A sonnet is actually an old form of poetry. What distinguishes a sonnet from other poems is that firstly, there are always fourteen lines, broken into eight and six. Shakespearean sonnets will be broken into twelve lines of three sets of quatrains, then two ending lines, as evidenced by modern poet Wendy Cope. The subject matter is almost always about love. In a way, a sonnet is a specialised type of poetry.

I came across this sonnet of all sonnets which puts it across so aptly why sonnets should be appreciated more than other types of poetry. William Wordsworth was a literary genius indeed!

"Scorn Not The Sonnet" - William Wordsworth

Scorn not the Sonnet; Critic, you have frowned,
Mindless of its just honours: with this key
Shakespeare unlocked his heart; the melody
Of this small lute gave ease to Petrarch's wound;
A thousand times this pipe did Tasso sound;
With it Camoens soothed an exile's grief;
The Sonnet glittered a gay myrtle leaf
Amid the cypress with which Dante crowned
His visionary brow; a glow-worm lamp
It cheered mild Spenser, called from Faery-land
To struggle through dark ways; and when a damp
Fell round the path of Milton, in his hand
The Thing became a trumpet, whence he blew
Soul-animating strains - alas, too few!

How in the world did he manage to squeeze in Petrarch (the "godfather of all sonnets"), Shakespeare, Torquato Tasso (Italian Renaissance poet), Luis de Cameons (Portugal's national poet during the sixteenth century), Dante Alighieri (of "The Divine Comedy"), Edmund Spenser (of "The Faerie Queene") and John Milton (of "Paradise Lost") all into one form? That is what really awes me!

Feasting Away ....

It had been a few days of feasting for me. Festive seasons normally mean more get-togethers, which will result in more eating and big meals, which means I have to start controlling and watching my waist line again. Just as well I have not completed the slimming sessions yet, hopefully I can try to get back into shape soon!

The feasting started last Saturday, eve of the New Year. We had a reunion dinner at home consisting of abalone, mock sharks fin soup, vegetables with that black "hairy" stuff which I have still not figured out the name, big shitake mushrooms, pomfret, whole chicken, beef, pork and rice of course.

On Sunday, first day of the New Year, we went to my maternal grandmother's place for a breakfast of longevity and fortune noodles complete with soup, roasted peanuts, shredded omellete, shallots and more of the black hairy stuff (roasted and dried). Then we went to my dad's sister's place for lunch, where we had garoupa, prawns, broccoli, roasted chicken, cabbage soup with button mushrooms, vegetables and more rice.

On Monday, the second day of the New Year, we had a big reunion at my place for my dad's family. Everyone came over and my parents catered half the food. The food consisted of cereal prawns, roasted chicken, sweet and sour pork, vegetable soup, fried pomfret, vegetables in oyster sauce, and yam paste for dessert.

On Thursday, my boss and I met our Trademark lawyers for lunch at Ah Yat Seafood Restaurant at Turf City. We had the set meal for six, which consisted of tossing of the raw fish, tiger prawns, garoupa, claypot abalone with chicken and mushrooms, vegetables in oyster sauce, fortune noodles and tarts as dessert.

Earlier on there was another reunion at my place for my mum's relatives. A pity my cousin did not come as her baby fell asleep and she did not wish to bring him out. So I could not see the baby and the dog. :-( Anyway we had steamboat for the dinner gathering. All the raw ingredients were prepared beforehand. There were chicken, pork, beef, salmon (choice of boiled or eaten sashimi style), vegetables, eggs, prawns, mushrooms, scallops, fishballs and meatballs, with a pot of boiling soup. We just threw everything into the soup and let the food cook. Healthy choice!

I foresee a couple more big meals this coming week, with a gathering on Tuesday, and another on Thursday, where our big bosses have invited everyone to their place for a New Year gathering. Not to mention the new year goodies which I have partaken, the numerous love letters, chocolate wafers, tarts, chocolate bars, chocolate biscuits, potato chips, the bitter and salty Indonesian crackers (now what is that called?) as well as ice-cream! Looks like I really have to work out vigorously! Just as well I will be starting dance lessons next week!

Best Headlines Of 2006

Received this from my best friend. Almost fell off my chair laughing! Apparently these are true headlines from American newspapers! The comments after each headline was already there, I did not add anything!

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter - Imagine that!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - Now that's taking things a bit far!

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? - Not if I wipe thoroughly! ;-p

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death - No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant - See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace - I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile - You think?

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures - Who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges - You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge - He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft - That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half - Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors - Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

A Good Year Wannabe

Just when I was fretting over what I thought would be a bad year, the past couple of days regained my confidence that this may turn out to be a good year after all. Hopefully, it will be the best year of my life, but perhaps that is a bit too far to hope for. Things seem to be going well, especially due to a gathering I am organising for next week. The response has been quite positive so far. I am looking forward to it so much, as I get to meet new friends and widen my social circle. Hopefully that will be a success.

I have been grinning from ear to ear the past couple of days. Seems like working in a more prestigious company has its advantages. Not even when I was in the public sector did I have all these advantages! First, all of a sudden, more banks are willing to give me credit, and automatically giving me gold and platinum cards. Anyway nowadays, one need not need to earn so much to get a gold or platinum card, just the minimum amount will do. Thus, I received my first gold and platinum card in a matter of days!

Secondly, I renewed my mobile contract. I was contemplating whether to change my number so as to cut off contact from people I no longer wish to hear from. However, if I change my number, it will be a hassle letting everyone know. Besides, I love my number. If I change, I will not be able to get such a nice number again! So I decided to stick to the number, and since I renewed the line, I was able to get a new phone at plan price instead of retail price.

Thus, I am now the owner of the pink Motorola Razr v3x! A 3G phone no less, at slightly less than S$40! And it is not baby pink, but bright fuchsia pink, a cheery colour. Initially I wanted to get the limited edition red Motorola Razr v3, as proceeds will go to the Global Fund in aid of AIDS victims in third-world countries. Unfortunately, the phone is only for new subscribers. :-(

Thirdly, because of a certain card promotion, I am able to get a laptop at a certain shop by instalments for two years with no interest. Not only that, I am able to get cash back, so the bank itself will send me a cheque for 2% of what I spent. Since I have such a good deal, why not utilise it? So I called up and reserved the laptop I wanted. It will arrive next week, and after that, I can then be the owner of a white Fujitsu LifeBook P7230!

Fourthly, I signed up for a free wireless internet access under Qmax. Due to that, I am able to get a free webcam from Creative Technologies. I can go to the Creative office to redeem the webcam, and my brothers and I can then start having video-conferencing or chat with people face to face, instead of hiding behind our PC.

But the best news is my brother made peace with me that day. He was actually angry with my mum for being too harsh, but he felt guilty towards me, thus could not bear to face me, but he apologised and said he did not know that affected me so much, and kept assuring me he never once blamed me. So all's well ends well. For that, I treated him to two shows last night - "Dreamgirls" and the new local show by talented director Neo "Just Follow Law".

"Dreamgirls" is absolutely amazing! From the storyline to the acting to the songs, everything is perfect! Just like another "Chicago", but each show has its own distinctions and good in their own rights. And the voices! Goodness, Jennifer Hudson's voice alone can out-sing everyone else! If only I can have a voice like that! One wonders how in the world she got rejected from Amerian Idol? Her voice is better than any of the winners!

Eddie Murphy and Jennifer Hudson are truly deserving of their Best Supporting wins at the Golden Globes. Hopefully they will win the Oscars too. One wonders why is this show not nominated for a Best Picture? There is hardly any show that can enable me to give it a standing ovation at the end, but this is one show that I did. The others are "Forrest Gump", "Chicago" and "The Pianist". Even "Titanic" did not give me that reaction.

Is it due to it being an "all-black movie" as speculated by some? But a good movie is a good movie. One hardly sees a real good movie nowadays. Does it matter who writes or directs or acts in it? So if a show with an all-Asian cast can make it into the Best Picture nomination, why not one with an all African-American cast?

Full-Time Or Part-Time?

I was reading through the student discussion forum which my school had set up for the students to blab about anything under the sun. So far there have only been two posts. One is on how to study and get better grades (common gripe of every student, no matter how old), and the other one is a discussion between studying full-time and studying part-time. Honestly, seeing the train of discussions, I almost wanted to snigger at how shallow? - for want of a better word - some people can be!

Well, if they chose to study there, and chose the mode of studying, and accepted everything, why on earth are they still complaining? One brought up that since the degrees are part-time, will it be as recognised as those full-time degrees from the other universities here, and if in the end the degree is not recognised, then it would be all for nothing. To me, if this person had already started the course, then why still grumble? If he wanted to do a full-time degree, why bother applying to this school?

No doubt here, part-time degrees are less recognised as full-time local or overseas degrees. The criteria is so stringent that even a graduate from, say, University of Sydney, if he did a part-time degree via distance learning, it would not be recognised, but if he went to the university and did a full-time degree there and came back with exactly the same qualifications, it would be recognised, all on the basis that he went there to do it full-time! Why, I wonder? Are the degrees not the same?

Compared to other countries, where distance learning, part-time courses or even correspondence courses will be recognised the instant one completes the course, the part-time degrees here are still not being favoured. In that case, why bother setting up schools and academies to offer part-time degrees via distance learning? Face it, not everyone can have the priviledge of going overseas to study, so why not recognise the qualifications once the degrees have been completed? Is the mode of study such a big deal? Afterall, it is already hard enough to work and study at the same time.

For me, I find it does not really matter if one studies full-time or part-time, as long as effort have been put in and we try our best. I am not asking for recognition once I graduate; rather I take it as a form of enriching my knowledge and learning more things.

"Human Nature Is The Same Everywhere"

When one door closes, another one opens. How apt is the phrase! This applies so much to me, especially in the ups and downs of recent months. Just when I was upset over the loss of a few friends (?), I managed to make a few new friends in a matter of weeks, one was through something as ridiculous as messaging the wrong person!

To track back, perhaps I am someone really idealistic, often being optimistic about the goodness in people, too optimistic at times, to believe that everyone is good and no one would ever betray you unless you have done something to anger that person. But, naive and idealistic I am, I still feel that even if you anger someone, be it intentionally or not, as friends, let alone family, they should just apologise and clear up the misunderstandings. True friends will not let a little dispute get in the way, let alone family members!

Thus, I never adhered to the fact that people would cheat others. To me, I feel if the person does not even know you, why would they want to cheat you? And besides, what good is lying or cheating anyway, especially to someone who is a total stranger? Do people really enjoy toying with others' feelings and take advantage of others' goodness and totally take them for granted? Sorry, but I will not be able to live with my conscience in doing that.

How wrong I was! Not the conscience part in cheating people, but wrong in that people do go around cheating and lying their ways through and still derive satisfaction from their deeds. I have been cheated a few times. Even now, I am totally fazed by why they would do that? What satisfaction can one derive of cheating others? Do not think I am that ditzy not to know what is going on; I just chose to feign ignorance as I did not wish to blow up the matter.

Yet why do I still feel so optimistic about human nature, about there being goodness in everyone? Most people I know have a perverse sense of negativity when it comes to people. It seems as if they feel that everyone is evil and mean, and no one can be trusted, even those you love the most. To them, they view those who are nice and warm as having some ulterior motives. To me, I feel how can you view someone as a friend if you cannot trust the person? How can you even love someone if you do not trust him / her completely and explicitly? And perhaps the person really is warm and friendly by nature, so why be so suspicious?

People have advised me not to blog so much, not to give away every little piece of my detailed dalliances (what dalliances anyway?), because afterall, I will have no idea who read my site and the last thing I wanted is to have what I say turned against me. I never believed, as I thought afterall, people do not know me, so why would they deliberately create trouble, right?

But when trouble really brewed, I was so stumped, so upset. Everything I believed in people started crumbling. I could not fathom why some people would think that everyone who pours their hearts out in cyberspace are those only out for fame, audience and attention, and make a good show by lying their way through! Which brings me to the point on why would these people think whatever people said are untrue? Is there really such a joy in lying to others?

I have also been told not to believe everything people said. Like if someone told me a sob story, I should check through thoroughly instead of dropping everything and helping the person. To me, I feel why would people lie? Seriously, why would the story not be true? To a lot of others, their views are that people can say all they like, but how would one know if it is really true, as afterall, there is no concrete evidence? But to me, I always feel why would it not be true? Is there any purpose for anyone to lie?

I always feel that there is no greater pleasure than to offer help to whoever needs help, be it a listening ear, or monetary, or even advise. And there have been times when I offered to help without anyone even asking, simply because I felt they needed help. To me I just feel good to help others, but to others, they deem me as a nosey parker, a busybody, and said there is nothing they could offer me, so I did not need to do anything.

But I do not help others just to gain anything back. Of course, realists will then tell me to "grow up, everyone is only looking out for themselves, everyone is money-minded", yet I still do not think this way, to which well-meaning folks will then tell me I cannot live my life forever thinking that it is such a wonderful world. Why would others not believe me when I said I do this because I want to, not because I want anything from them?

I guess because most people will not bother doing something for others unless they have something back in return. Most people will never loan out cash, because afterall, why would they want to shortchange themselves? Besides, the issue of money harms most relationships. Best friends have been turned into enemies because of money (and love). And most people will not help, unless it is conditonal, even among family members and loved ones. How many people actually do things unconditionally, with no strings attached, I wonder? Is it any wonder that for a period of time, I was getting despair and losing faith in humanity?

But I have not learnt my lesson. I still believe in the goodness of people. I still believe that I can express however intense I feel about things around me, about issues that happened to me, without anyone putting me down. I still feel I can make friends anytime, anywhere, without anyone having any ulterior motives. And I still think people can still come to me whenever they need, without lying or cheating me.

Perhaps I really am idealistic. But I do believe everyone is good. Which is why I cannot fathom why others always think the worst in people. Even the late Dame Agatha Christie always thought the worst in people, as evidenced in her character Miss Jane Marple's famous line, "Human nature is the same everywhere", when she started predicting murder everywhere she went.

So anyway, I lost a few friends because of "human nature being the same everywhere". Now I am on the verge of losing my brother, the one who has always been close to me. I kept thinking that people are good, so much that to a lot of people, I lost touch with reality. I placed my trust in others whom I should never have trusted in the first place, which got me into this state. I lost friends, money, trust and integrity.

My youngest brother once said, "Come on, how well do you know this person to trust this person with your deepest secrets, even though you felt the connection and that this person was trustworthy? And how well do you know this other person that you were willing to loan four-figure amounts due to a cock and bull story and the person then became totally uncontactable the moment you tried to get your money back?" I always thought my gut feeling would never be wrong, but I must admit, in that once or twice instance, it totally veered off course.

But while I was moping around thinking whether I have placed my misguided trust in men (and women) in general, and I should start viewing humans in a much more negative light, I met a few others through extraordinary circumstances. One was online, another was through the phone, and a third was from a friend. Contrary to what people always tell me, online friends are never to be trusted, but this person seems to be an exception.

I am always drawn to people (both men and women) who are deep and intellectual, and talk about better things than just sex, romps and pornography (for men), and men, money and hooking a rich men (for women). Even though we have only conversed a few times, but each time the conversation was more intense. We actually debated, gave advise and generally chat about societal problems, world issues, conservation of the environment and war and peace. Depressing topics, but I love it!

The second person I recently met was quite sweet actually. It all started when I received a message from an unfamiliar number. So I asked who it was, and the person replied, and then asked if I was so and so. I said no, he had gotten the wrong number. To which he replied, "Sorry Mr, and thanks." Very polite, but then, for the owner of such a beautiful phone number, why would anyone think I am a Mr? I thought that is the type of number any one would think belong to a girl!

Anyway I replied and said that I am actually a Miss, but no problem. And after that, I had no idea what happened and we just started conversing, and voila! I made a new friend! To which well-meaning but negative people again told me, "This person is a complete stranger! Why would you even bother replying?" True, most people would not even bother replying to any message from an unfamiliar number, let alone start a conversation!

Well, I thought it would be polite to correct his error. Afterall, if I mistakenly sent a message to a wrong person, I would also like the other person to correct me. That is the polite and right thing to do, is it not? And besides, no harm knowing someone new. Afterall, people have known others through even more ridiculous circumstances!

I hope I can justify having my faith in humans renewed to a certain extent. Have I not learnt my lesson? Perhaps, but I still choose to believe that people are nice and good in general. As for those who for some reason or other they suddenly show their evil streaks and you have not done anything to offend, then perhaps these are the ones that have never been true in the first place. But for now, I have to solve the problem of how to get my brother talking to me again very soon.

An Emotional New Year

Happy Lunar New Year! Time flew by so quickly that the long weekend has come to an end. It has been a temperamental few days for me, being on an emotional roller-coaster, sometimes at the highest peak, and at times rolling around at the lower level. It is not a good sign being upset so early on in the new year. Each time I tell myself to be happy and embrace the new year, events happened that caused me to feel down in the dumps.

I wonder where my mood came about this time. Could it be due to the sight of everyone fussing over the new baby, triggering in me some sense of loss? Or could it be due to the photos which my Aussie cousin sent me of his newborn girl, which also triggered in me mixed feelings? Or the very touching speech my aunt gave me on parenthood and child-rearing?

Or could it be due to well-meaning relatives (as usual) asking about my status and when I will settle down? Or maybe it was due to the fact that it is so difficult to love someone, that sometimes loving someone wholeheartedly gets more upsetting than not loving anyone, because however much one does, is it worth doing anything if the other person does not even seem to be responding?

I guess what got me really upset is I inadvertently made my first brother angry. I would not mind so much if it was my youngest brother, because he would throw a temper just about any day, but after half an hour he would be alright. But my first brother is one who never loses his temper, yet now he is so angry that he has not been speaking to me for the past few days.

It started with just normal bantering, and joking and jibbing each other, as usual, whenever he was around. The jokes and puns resulted in a friendly and playful punch, which landed smack on the top of my head. The point in time when his fist impacted on my head, I felt as if my entire skull was splitting into half. I could not help it. It was so painful that I cried. Tears just started rolling down.

He went to get some ice for me, and when I put the ice on my head, I felt a bump. It was swollen! I never know the extent of his strength until now! Even now, the bump is still there and I still get headaches on and off. Anyway, somehow my mum guessed what happened, and scolded him like mad. My mum is the type that when she is angry, she will not mince her words, which resulted in lots of emotional damage during our younger years. Her bark is always so poisonous that one wonders how can one's mother ever says nasty things like that to her own children?

So now he is angry with me for getting him into trouble on the first day of the Lunar New Year, but I did not even say anything! All my mum did was to see me applying ice on my head, and she just came to her own conclusion without even asking me what happened. He sneaked out of the house late that night to cool off, but my parents called him back.

So he thought my youngest brother and I betrayed him. We did not say anything, but when my parents searched the house and did not find him, they would know he went out. But the thing is that he still laughs and jokes with my youngest brother, yet he totally ignores me. He could not even bear to be in the same room as me! For instance, when I went down to the living room, he would immediately get up and go upstairs, and when I went back upstairs, he would then quickly go back down.

Now I am really upset. He refused to talk to me so I tried sending him a message, but he had no reaction to that. Finally, I told him yesterday that if he really thinks me as scum, and refuses to even see me, then I will go. I will willingly move out if he hates me so much. I do not wish my mum and his relation to turn sour because of me. And he just kept quiet and not say anything.

So now I am just thinking - should I really move out? Afterall, I would not wish for things to become unbearable, we are all in the same family! But if I am to be treated as an outcast, I rather be the one to go away than to create more trouble.

Speaking of which, I received this from a friend, which I find so true!

Religion Or Tradition?

Come every eve of Lunar New Year, before the big reunion dinner (not really that big actually, just members of my own nuclear family), my family will go to the nearby Buddhist temple where my late grandfather's tablet is placed to pay their respects. Food will be cooked beforehand to be brought to the temple. At the altar, the food will be placed in front of my late grandfather's tablet, then joss sticks will be lit, and each of us will hold three joss sticks in our hands and bend our bodies to pray for my late grandfather's blessings of the year.

I have not been doing this for quite a while, praying with the joss sticks I mean. Ever since I started going to church regularly, I never touched another joss stick, or pray in a Buddhist temple. When I was with my first ex, he was such a staunch Catholic that he forbade me to even step into the temple with my parents, and I got a big scolding for being disrespectful and unfilial (as if one shows filial piety to someone by praying to his tablet?!). However, as the years progressed and I got more involved religion wise, my parents stopped asking me to pray with the joss sticks, but I still had to follow them as a form of respect. Why would it be a form of respect if I just follow them and not pray?

After praying, my parents would then burn the thin sheets of "paper money" into the bin outside. I have never really felt comfortable going to a temple. Firstly, I never understand all the chanting going on. Secondly, the smoke-filled prayer room put me off and made me start gasping for fresh air. Thirdly, I never approve of just burning paper, for whatever reason, as afterall, we need to cut down on paper usage and recycle them so as to save the trees.

Before I get hounded at being insensitive, let me clarify that I am not against the Buddhist faith. I just do not feel comfortable going to a temple. Just like there are some others who do not feel comfortable going into a church, although I must say, church-goers are at least more environmentally-friendly, as they do help in recycling things like hymn books, flyers and the misal books. Still, it is a once-a-year affair and I have to go with my parents.

My parents are not doing this for religion. They do this because it is a tradition. Come Lunar New Year, it seems to be a tradition to pay respects to those who have already gone, and all those burning of the paper is giving the departed new clothes and money to last another year. Do not ask me why this is so as I have no idea, except I know it seems to be some Chinese tradition from long long ago.

But I cannot help but feel guilty for stepping into a temple. Afterall, if I choose to be Christ's follower, am I supposed to even enter another sanctuary for some other faith, even if it is tradition? Since I have embraced Catholicism or Christianity wholeheartedly, am I supposed to do everything required of a good Christian, and forsake all my traditions? Thus, if I follow the Christian way, am I supposed to view Christmas, Good Friday and Easter as most important (which I do), but not Chinese New Year?

Today, the first day of Chinese New Year, is a Sunday. I have to go visiting in the morning. I am supposed to sing for mass in the evening, but as it is, I am not sure if I can make it as my parents may want to bring us visiting around that time. So will I be sinning by not going to church because I need to uphold the Lunar New Year tradition of visiting relatives? At times I seriously wonder how to balance between tradition and religion, whether to swing one way or the other way.

New Year Shopping (And Gripes)

Lunar New Year again, and this time, I actually prepared by buying my own new year clothes. In the past it was my mum who bought all my new year clothes. I buy my own for all others, but during the new year, my mum would somehow manage to find very good and nice bargains, and the clothes she bought are even nicer than what I would have bought myself!

My friends scoff when they find out that my mum still buys my clothes. Just for record, she still buys my new year clothes, but for the rest of the year, I will do my own shopping. Most of my friends feel that their taste in clothes are different from their mothers, but for me, I trust my mum's taste more than anyone else's.

She is the one who taught me how to choose clothes that are nice, with good cuts, and yet value for money. What she buys are less expensive yet better-looking and quality than some of what I buy - more expensive and after a couple of washes, the colour starts to fade and loose strings start coming out.

That does not mean I dress like some dowdy middle-aged lady as well. I believe I am pretty well-dressed already, better than a lot of people. All from my mum's influence! She never buys anything that is too dowdy or frumpy; rather all the clothes she bought for me are befitting for my age and figure!

Anyway this year, she made no mention of going shopping, since she already bought her new year clothes in China last year. So I thought I had to go shopping for new clothes myself. Some people asked why did I not ask her if she was going to buy for me this time, but why should I? It is not as if I cannot buy anything on my own. Besides, I cannot keep expecting my parents to still give me things at this age.

Thus, when I was out last weekend, I bought two dresses for the new year. I saw a frilly red and white dress with a flared skirt and made of soft polyester material. That was not my first choice, as I initially wanted a red and white dotted skirt at the same display window, but upon thinking, the skirt would make me look much older than my age, especially if I match it with a blouse, thus I settled for the dress instead.

A lovely dress for any occasion! I can wear it for tea parties, or gatherings with friends, or dates, or even work! That is real value for money, instead of just wearing for a one-time occasion. Then I went up to the second floor of the shopping mall, and saw another dress. A sleeveless white and red dress. The cutting is perfect, and the design looks like those retro ones from the sixties. I love it, so I bought that as well. Thus, I have two new dresses for the new year!

The good news is that I have gone down a size again! I can go back to wearing size S now! Actually, I could wear XS too, but for my chest area, which for some unfathomable reason, had grown bigger, so I am not able to fit into real slim clothes now (not that I am complaining; I rather have that part bigger than any other parts!). If I keep up, I can fast go back to the size I wanted!

However, the next day, my mum called me into her room and asked me to try on another dress. So she bought one for me after all! It is a red sleeveless dress that looks straight out of an Audrey Hepburn show - mini skirt, big buttons and a big belt to match. I look so retro! I even have the earrings to match! I only need to style my hair into the beehive style, complete with long eyelashes and black eyeliner, and I will look like someone from that era! As I said, I trust my mum's taste more than my own!

Come new year, the same thing will occur. Like what Sumiko Tan wrote in her latest article, it is the same routine of visiting relatives, making small talk, and hearing well-meaning relatives asking when one is going to settle down and have kids. I love my relatives because they are my family, and honestly, they are not that bad as compared to some others I have come across. Perhaps education and affluence do play a part in one's behaviour, that the relatives I have do not behave so "low-class" or totally lacking in etiquette, like what I have seen from many people?

I am not trying to put anyone down, but the thing is, for Chinese people, they find it a routine to butt into others' business and try to dish out well-meaning but totally irritating advice. So what if one is not married? So what even if one gets married but do not wish to have kids as yet? So what even if one have kids but not married? Is it really anyone's business? I wonder if other cultures experience the same thing?

Despite that, I enjoy getting ready for the new year, despite all my brothers' complaints about the same "boring thing over and over again". New Year is the time where I get to see people I normally do not see throughout the rest of the year. And being with family is a pretty warm thing, something which no amount of money or success can ever replace.

Happy New Year everyone!