"What is your new year resolution?" my best friend asked me the other day. "A bit belated right?" I answered. "No, by right it is still the new year since the fifteen days (of the Lunar New Year) have not gone by", she said. I had no idea how to answer her because somehow I do not believe in resolutions anymore. Then she said, "Perhaps you should examine what is going in and think to yourself whether you are happy, if you feel it is worthy continuing." And that jolted me back to reality. She can really read my mind!
This made me think about a conversation that emerged with a friend some time last week. His girlfriend (ex?) just left him. Honestly, from what he described, I never felt she was really serious about him. I felt she was only using him as an anchor to depend on. I did not tell him that of course. But if the girl really loved him, why would she mind if he is not earning enough to supply her with credit cards, or to bring her for an expensive holiday, or to buy a car and drive her around, like her ex did? And why would she keep flaunting how good her ex was in front of him, who was her so-called current (not current anymore) boyfriend? If she really loved him, she would accept everything of him, and not mind even if he was not rich because afterall, one should fall in love with one's character and not one's background or money.
Anyway I was lending him a listening ear. Then I sort of comforted him by saying that a better one would sure come along, there will sure be someone who would appreciate him for what he is and not just after what he can provide. To which he said, "People always think there is a better choice, that is why they are never satisfied." Hmmmm..... but in this case, the girl was not serious, so why should he not hope for a better one, who will give him the respect and love he deserves?
I should apply that to myself I guess. Perhaps what he said is true, people always think there is a better one, so they are never satisfied. But should one be satisfied with someone who cannot be fully committed, who cannot even make up the mind where the priorities lie? In this case, are there others who are better? But for someone like me who lives on my heart, I will choose to hold on as long as my heart still belongs. My parents are exasperated of course, as they view that there are so many whom they deem as "better", so why must I be stuck with someone who have so many other commitments that he can only give me a fraction of his time?
I always feel that if I love someone, it means accepting the person as a whole. So what if he has his moods? I do too. Even though I am the type who feels love should be expressed, in words and gestures, in actions, but he feels it is not necessary, I still accept it because that is what he is. Even though I do not like it whenever he goes incommunicado when he is troubled, as to me, I feel that as a couple, one should always confide in each other, because that is why I am with him - to share his happiness and sadness, troubles and burdens. But to him, he feels it is no use telling me his problems as I will not be able to solve it, so he rather not burden me at all, I still accept it. To me, it is not a matter of solving problems, but to feel trusted enough to be confided in. Afterall, if he loves me like he claims, why should he not trust me fully?
But my parents and best friend fears I may be taken for a ride. They fear he is not serious, that he is only toying with my feelings. Like what my best friend says, if everyone who cares for me is telling me the same thing, it must be true. Maybe love is blind, or maybe I am biased, but I always feel I am in a better position to know if he is serious or not. I do not wish to just succumb to pressure and end things and then regret, or worse, go for someone else and then still think of him. I have done that once, and regretted it very very much, so never again will I ever be this unfair to anyone.
But at times when I could not get through to him, at times when I felt so frustrated, at times when I felt I wanted more involvement in his life, I started to reflect on how we got together in the first place. What he had done for me, what we had agreed on, how I felt (and still feel) whenever I am with him, I then feel that everything is worth it. Why? Simply because he is the one who has my entire heart. And unless a new heart grows to replace the one I had given him, I will continue holding on. Senseless and stupid as it may sound to most people, but that is just what love is.
This made me think about a conversation that emerged with a friend some time last week. His girlfriend (ex?) just left him. Honestly, from what he described, I never felt she was really serious about him. I felt she was only using him as an anchor to depend on. I did not tell him that of course. But if the girl really loved him, why would she mind if he is not earning enough to supply her with credit cards, or to bring her for an expensive holiday, or to buy a car and drive her around, like her ex did? And why would she keep flaunting how good her ex was in front of him, who was her so-called current (not current anymore) boyfriend? If she really loved him, she would accept everything of him, and not mind even if he was not rich because afterall, one should fall in love with one's character and not one's background or money.
Anyway I was lending him a listening ear. Then I sort of comforted him by saying that a better one would sure come along, there will sure be someone who would appreciate him for what he is and not just after what he can provide. To which he said, "People always think there is a better choice, that is why they are never satisfied." Hmmmm..... but in this case, the girl was not serious, so why should he not hope for a better one, who will give him the respect and love he deserves?
I should apply that to myself I guess. Perhaps what he said is true, people always think there is a better one, so they are never satisfied. But should one be satisfied with someone who cannot be fully committed, who cannot even make up the mind where the priorities lie? In this case, are there others who are better? But for someone like me who lives on my heart, I will choose to hold on as long as my heart still belongs. My parents are exasperated of course, as they view that there are so many whom they deem as "better", so why must I be stuck with someone who have so many other commitments that he can only give me a fraction of his time?
I always feel that if I love someone, it means accepting the person as a whole. So what if he has his moods? I do too. Even though I am the type who feels love should be expressed, in words and gestures, in actions, but he feels it is not necessary, I still accept it because that is what he is. Even though I do not like it whenever he goes incommunicado when he is troubled, as to me, I feel that as a couple, one should always confide in each other, because that is why I am with him - to share his happiness and sadness, troubles and burdens. But to him, he feels it is no use telling me his problems as I will not be able to solve it, so he rather not burden me at all, I still accept it. To me, it is not a matter of solving problems, but to feel trusted enough to be confided in. Afterall, if he loves me like he claims, why should he not trust me fully?
But my parents and best friend fears I may be taken for a ride. They fear he is not serious, that he is only toying with my feelings. Like what my best friend says, if everyone who cares for me is telling me the same thing, it must be true. Maybe love is blind, or maybe I am biased, but I always feel I am in a better position to know if he is serious or not. I do not wish to just succumb to pressure and end things and then regret, or worse, go for someone else and then still think of him. I have done that once, and regretted it very very much, so never again will I ever be this unfair to anyone.
But at times when I could not get through to him, at times when I felt so frustrated, at times when I felt I wanted more involvement in his life, I started to reflect on how we got together in the first place. What he had done for me, what we had agreed on, how I felt (and still feel) whenever I am with him, I then feel that everything is worth it. Why? Simply because he is the one who has my entire heart. And unless a new heart grows to replace the one I had given him, I will continue holding on. Senseless and stupid as it may sound to most people, but that is just what love is.
0 comments:
Post a Comment