An Eulogy ....

First day of the new year, and I was stuck home … again, de-cluttering my room. Times like these I really wonder how in the world I accumulated so much junk? But I would not even call them junk, since everything in my room means something to me. Letters from pen-pals and friends, love letters and gifts of old, Teachers’ Day gifts for four years, teaching resources, old textbooks (I actually found my old law books!), soft toys, old magazines, books, cosmetics, bags, scarves, shawls ….. how in the world did I have so many things?!

I spent yesterday sorting out all the clutter, and today re-arranging and categorising my things to make them easier to sort out. Looks like tomorrow will be another day of de-cluttering. Hopefully I can finish sorting out everything and clear my room for once, then perhaps I can finally live in a clean and tidy room, not a pigsty. And my mum and I will both be happy.

I spent some time praying for my late teacher earlier on. I contacted my friend (the only one of our class whom I still keep in touch with) and told him the news. He was also shocked, as when he went with me to visit her two years back when she was first discharged from the hospital, she looked pretty well. Now I regret not keeping in contact with the rest of our classmates, then they could be notified as well.

I told my second and third ex the news too. My second ex knew her as he used to escort me to and from the music school that period of time when she was training me for the music teaching qualifications. When she organized a gathering for all our old classmates after officially completing my lessons (the first and last gathering apparently), she invited my ex along as well. She was just as surprised when the relationship ended.

My third ex saw her once when I brought him along to visit her in the music school, since we happened to be at the shopping mall where the music school is located. Then when she was discharged after her first treatment, he and I, together with my above-mentioned friend, went to visit her together. Both my exs expressed their sympathies, and were just as shocked at the news.

When I saw her in the coffin, I got the shock of my life. She looked so different. The illness had really sapped the life and energy out of her. Where she used to be so robust-looking, her body looked so skeletal and sallow. She was like a different person. And I just could not help it, I cried when I saw her. Her husband and daughter were trying to be so strong, but one could see that they, too, have been sobbing.

Now I regret so many things. I never told her how much she meant to me. I never told her how much she had influenced me. I never thanked her for everything she had done for me. I should have told her long before. I should have thanked her every week for her lessons, for her comfort, for her advice.

She was the one that made me wanted to pursue a music career in the first place. She was the one that made me wanted to teach (plus I was also inspired by a few of my other teachers). She was the one that cultivated my love for music. She always thought I was the most talented in her class (although I do not think I have that much talent), so always made sure she nurtured me until I scored the best in the examinations, comfortable with public performances, and created opportunities for me to perform in the various music school performances.

She was the one who encouraged me to apply for a music scholarship (which in the end I had to turn down as my parents refused to give their consents), sent me for a music composition and song-writing course, made me the lead singer and player during the graduation concert. She called my parents and urged them not to let me drop my music classes by telling them I was the most talented of all her students.

It was because of her that I took Music as one of my majors in NIE, then tried so much to contribute to the music activities in my school. I wanted to be an inspiration and motivation to my students, just like her.

Yet now I feel I have let her down. Why did I not pursue a diploma, or even a degree, in music? Why did I not follow in her footsteps as she was so hoping for me to? Why did I choose to do other things instead? And I could not even inspire my students even a quarter of how she had inspired me.

Now that she is no longer here, I did not even have the chance to pay her back twofold what she did for me. I always thought she would recover, then go back to teach again, and one of these days I would join her. But now there is no chance of that now.

This makes me realise that life is really so precious. You never know that the person who could be talking to you this moment could suddenly be gone the next moment, and the world is then short of one good person. I really have to treasure the people around me more. One just have to be thankful for being alive.