Men And Women (The Stereotypical Truth)

My friend K just sent me this in order to perk me up. It works to a certain extent at least, as I laughed so much after reading this.

Men

1. All men are extremely busy.

2. Although they are busy, they still have time for women.

3. Although they have time for women, they do not really care for them.

4. Although they do not really care for them, they still have one around.

5. Although they always have one around, they still try their luck with others.

6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leave them.

7. Although the women leave them, they still do not learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.

3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.

4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.

5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".

6. Although their clothes are always just "an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.

7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they never believe you.

The Joys Of Having A Pet

My little furball is really the light of my life. He perks me up when I am down. Especially nowadays he can sense that I am feeling depressed, so keep sticking to me. He will jump on my lap when I am on the sofa, and I have to bring him down as my mum does not allow any dog hair on the sofa.

So he started curling up and lying down at my feet, licking my toes and fingers at the same time. What will I do without him? Even my dad commented yesterday that he seems to stick to me so much lately.

Dogs are very cute animals actually, in all sense. They are like little kids wanting affection, and giving their utmost loyalty and affection and love. The way they look at you, the way they greet you, it makes you feel warm after a hard and stressful day.

For instance, when my friend shaved his Maltese as her hair was getting too long, she went into withdrawal symptoms. She hid in her basket, and refused to come out and greet anyone until her hair has grown back. It was as if she knew she looked ugly, so did not dare to face anyone.

Just like when my dog had a haircut yesterday, he actually looks more presentable and neater. And it was as if he knows he looks better, so keep showing off to everyone that he had a haircut. My dad commented he looks nicer, and my maid said he is now a handsome dog.

And he has an ego too. When I called him by his name several times, he refused to respond. Then I called "Handsome Boy", and he quickly turned around and licked me. What a vain creature!

All my friends who own dogs concur with me. Some did not want a dog at first, but they helped save some strays from being put down. But after that, they, too, said that they are glad they kept the dog, as having a pet really lights up your life.

In A Better Mood At Last!

At last, I am in a better mood, for real this time. Probably attributed to the fact that I did something naughty last night. I got so suffocated staying at home that I desperately needed some air, so I sneaked out of my house after dinner.

And I felt so free and peaceful. I felt the night breeze in my hair and face, and all of a sudden, my mood was lifted. I had almost forgotten how the air smells like. Just as well my guy wanted to ensure I am alright, so he came down and we met up for a drink and a short walk around the estate.

I did not dare to go home too late for fear my mum came home and discovered me gone, so he walked me home after a while. But he commented the air seems to do me good, as already I look much better physically.

I never realise how much I miss him. When I saw him last night at the train station, I wanted so much to throw my arms around him and hug him so tightly, but since it was a public place I had to restrain myself.

I saw my mum driving in just when I reached my house. I quickly scooted and went in the front door and up my room before she was even out of the car. Obviously she saw me, because she went into my room after that.

At first she commented I finally did a good job in de-cluttering my room. Then she asked so I finally got tired of staying at home and went out? I answered yes. And she said did he come and pick me up? I said yes.

She then asked why did he come? So I told her matter-of-factly that he really cares and is concerned, which is why he wanted to come and see that I am alright. And she did not say anything after that.

Looks like the little walk did me good. I felt better after that, compared to staying cooped up at home and getting more depressed day after day. Perhaps I should start going out already, no matter what my parents will say.

Now I know the best medicine - freedom, fresh air, and the power of love!

My Living Will ....

Alright, I have tried, and failed. No matter how many times I psyche myself to be happy, to be positive, I cannot do it. I cannot pretend anymore that I am alright, when in fact I am not.

I am going crazy staying at home, yet I do not dare to go out for fear my mum screams at me, which incidentally is the same reason why a certain person I miss so much does not come and visit me.

My mum told me to be home and recuperate, no visitors allowed, but she is driving me crazy! I feel so cut off from civilisation, so cut off from the rest of the world. I feel like such a hermit, that I fear when I re-emerge, the world has changed beyond recognition.

My first brother managed to pass his final examinations and graduate, and he is taking his time to come back. He is not going on the trip with us, and he is surprised that I am going. In his words, "Are you crazy! Going with mum alone?"

I love travelling, and I do not mean to sound ungrateful because this trip is really specially for me, but sometimes travelling with my mum can get on our nerves. She expects everything to be perfect, and goes ballistic whenever anything is not up to her perfection.

Which is why my first brother does not like travelling with her. He likes to take things easy, leisurely. He says what is the use of going on a relaxing tour if one gets even more stressed?

But anyway, I am getting so depressed, at all the things that is happening around me. Sometimes I wonder why is it I cannot be depressed, and I have to go around pretending that I am okay when in actual fact I am not?

I do not want to pretend anymore. I broke down last night, I sent out a few random messages, and a friend called me and talked to me for more than an hour, trying to talk me out of what he thinks is "suicidal tendencies" (I wonder how I gave him that impression?).

I was so upset that I lashed out a little at my guy. I was just feeling so unhappy that I just want more care and concern from my loved one. I wanted so badly for him to be here with me.

My mum once said she does not need to tell me she loves me, she shows it. Then why do I not feel it? Where are my parents whenever I am upset, whenever I run into any problems? They once said I could talk to them about anything, so why did I only get blame and sarcasm whenever I did talk to them?

I once pasted up a poster of a Taiwanese singer on my wall, only to have it torn down the next day by my dad, as he said he did not want to see me wasting my time idolising useless people. I collected small postcards of the same singer, built up a large collection, and wanted to exchange with my friends, only to have them thrown away by my mum.

I wanted to tell her the problems I was facing in my school work, especially in Physics and Additional Mathematics, only to have her tell me I was not working hard enough. She locked up the television for a year that year when I was having my 'O' levels, confiscated my Walkman and kept all my books so I would not have any distrations from my studies.

I yearned so much to be normal, to be a good kid, to have my parents accept me for what I am, but why do I keep failing at everything I did? When my relationships failed, it was my fault, all the time.

When I got posted out as a teacher, she made me write several letters to those top prestigious schools, applying for teaching posts there. But when I did not get posted to any of those schools as she hoped but instead to a normal neighbourhood school which she never heard of, it was my fault for not working hard enough and getting better grades, when actually it was the Ministry that made the final decision, not the school.

People call me a loser, for being so restricted even at this age. My exs never liked the fact that I always had to be home at a certain time, always said they wanted to spend more time with me. They once told me they could not stand my mum, and if we were to marry, I had to cut off all contact with her.

I never knew I could still remember all these, until I started clearing my room the past few days, and all my old memories came back. I wonder for parents who gave birth to me, why can they not show more care and concern for me?

My mum thinks she has done a lot for me by bringing me for the operation. She thinks my guy does not care and pays only lip service. He is the one who contacts me several times a day to make sure I am alright, to talk to me.

She goes back to her work, comes back at night, tells me to ensure I take my medicine, and that is it. My dad came back on Saturday, asked me how I was, and that was it. He has not spoken much to me since then. And they say my guy is the one that does not care?

If this is care and concern, then I dread to think how they are like if they do not care for me. I do not need them to fuss over me twenty-four hours, but in what way are they showing care and concern for me? In what way are they showing they love me? Why do I not feel it?

As I told my friend yesterday, perhaps sometimes it is better to be dead than alive. At least once you are dead, everything stops. If you are still alive and live in misery, it is worse than being dead. I can start to understand why some people lose their will to live.

So in case I am gone, here is what I want to do. I want to will my assets to various people :

1. All my savings (not that much anyway), plus the returns I get from my investment and the entire investments I have, to my parents.

2. My cheques to be transferred to my parents' names, so they can draw cheques at will.

3. All my books (except my entire Shakespeare collection) to be given to my brothers, the rest to my friends, and whatever remaining to be sold off at rummage sales and the proceeds given to the SPCA.

4. All my clothes and soft toys to be given to the Salvation Army. I wanted to give my clothes to my cousins, but considering they are taller and slimmer than me, I do not think they can fit into any of them.

5. My little box of treasured momentos, all my DVDs, VCDs, Music CDs, plus our Nokia 6131, Creative ZEN, Phillips 3-in-1 clock-radio-CD player, my makeover pictures and my entire Shakespeare collection to be given to my one and only darling.

He is getting the best of me, as he is getting all my memories, all our memories, and the things I consider most treasured to me.

6. My piano and organ to be given to my elder cousin, for her upcoming baby.

7. My little darling furball to be taken care of by my maid, until he breathed his last.

8. Finally, my body to be cremated, and my ashes? Half of it will go to my dear. The other half to be brought to England, where a quarter will be scattered upon the grounds of Anne Hathaway's cottage in Stratford-Upon-Avon, and the other quarter scattered over a certain grave in Stratford Church.

Crybaby ....

Lately it seems like anything makes me cry, be it sad or happy. True, I am depressed. I still have nightmares. But it is only human to have feelings, unless I am totally cold-blooded, then that is another story.

I was house-cleaning, or rather, room-cleaning, when I came across a lot of old momentos earlier on. The gifts and cards given by my former students. Those kids are really so sweet, despite the numerous times I disciplined them.

I came across a photo album, consisting of our photos. As in photos with a certain duh-man (sorry Angie, stole your phrase) who made my life so miserable. I wanted so much to take a pen and stabbed his photo, but then I much rather have the pleasure of doing that to his real person.

I came across a card, made by my third ex. I remember being so touched by the card because it was our first Christmas, and he really made it very nice for me. I came across a wooden jewellery box, carved by him, and where I had to send it for cleaning last year as ants were attacking the insides.

But most of all, I came across a nicely decorated box, which consist of momentos with my loved one. And that is the most priceless treasure of all. All our memories and good times and movie ticket stubs and receipts are stored inside. And that is a box that I will carry with me throughout my life.

I came across all these and cried. Sadness, nostalgia, happiness. Everything and anything. My tears just started flowing. At times I wish I can turn off this pipe in my eyes, then perhaps I will not cry so much.

What is really torturing is that I have to put on a farce and show that I am alright in front of my parents. What I really want is a good cry, and a good scream, but not when my parents are still in the middle of a cold war of sorts.

And I have to show that I am strong in order to "inspire" others to be strong too. Come to think of it, who is going to inspire me then? Someone told me I seem stronger than others, but actually it is not true.

I am not as lucky as others to have everyone pamper me and fuss over me. I depend on myself to survive. Each time I was unhappy in the past, my parents would just leave me alone to sort out my own feelings, or else be totally sarcastic.

So what do I do? When I cry, I cry alone. When I laugh, I laugh with others. When I break down, I do it alone. When I have problems, I try to solve it myself, unless it became a major problem then in which case I will ask my guy to help me out.

Seldom do I bother my parents as they have their own problems too. On one hand, I try not to be such a burden, on the other hand, at times, I wish they can show more concern for me. As in really listen to what I want, what I need, instead of always thinking their ways are the right ways of the world.

I am not as strong as others think. But I try my best to put up a brave front in front of others. Only thing is this can be so tiring at times, because on the exterior, I can be all smiling and whatnot, internally I feel like screaming and crying.

I am grateful to wonderful people who have shown me care and concern. And for that, I can only say thank you a thousand times. And for a certain anonymous person who wants to put me down by thinking you know so much, which in fact you do not, let me say this : if you are trying to make me feel down again, then sorry, you have not succeeded.

Why? Because I am not going to show you the satisfaction of being depressed over your shallow remarks. If you want me dead, sorry I am still alive and kicking. I am not about to die before fulfilling any of my dreams.

And let me tell you whatever things I do, I do not hide, unless it is for the protection of my family members and loved ones. I have my own identity, and people know who I am, beause I dare to bare all.

So do not assume, and do not comment if you do not know anything, especially not under the cowardly cloak of anonymity. I do not blog to please everyone, you are free to say what you like, but have the guts to identify yourself.

You think you are being so god-damn great by speaking your piece, but it backfires because if anything, it shows only your lack of intelligence and your cowardice. A real man (or woman) will have the guts to have an identity as they have nothing to hide.

My Dream Vacations .....

I am getting depressed again, so I decided to focus on things which will get my mind off my depression. So I started to think of the sights on my upcoming Japan trip, as well as to check out the other places I like to go to.

I have travelled quite a fair bit in my short life. Thanks to my parents who like to go travelling, they will normally make it a family trip. Except for the few places which they went themselves without bringing us along, other than that I feel rather lucky to be able to travel.

Most of the time when we travel, we will join tour packages by travel agencies. My parents normally try to get the best out of the smallest amount possible, so in the end, we ended up being on the road most of the time, instead of really enjoying the luxury of travel.

And we always take lesser flights where we have to stopover instead of flying direct. So for a born and bred Singapore citizen, I have never taken Singapore Airlines in my entire life. I have taken other airlines, like Qantas or Emirates. But never Singapore Airlines, and never British Airways, which I also like to sit on.

After experiencing various travel agencies, some which I am happy about and some which I am not, there are certain tour agencies which I think I will go back to and which I will not. However, it is only recently when my mum asked me to plan the Hokkaido trip that I found an agency that really seem to cater to me.

The tours the agency offers are rather comprehensive, and they cover quite a number of major countries in the world. The only gripe my mum has is that the prices are more expensive than other tour agencies, but for me, I feel you pay for the quality.

If you want a good tour package, then I guess one just have to fork out more. And I, for sure, am sticking to this agency henceforth whenever I travel from now on. I am really impressed with the tour packages, as they really cover all the places I want to go to.

Besides the seven-day Fabulous Hokkaido Summer Sensation which we are joining, the agency also offers a nine-day Best of Japan tour where almost all the nice places in Japan (at least in the Kyushu, Shikoku and Honshu islands) are covered.

I would like to also try the tour packages to Cairns / Gold Coast, Canadian Rockies, Da Vinci Code Adventure (finally can get to see the Louvre and Mona Lisa!), Central Europe (my first choice for honeymoon!), Eastern Europe (second choice for honeymoon!), Egypt / Red Sea, New Zealand, Russia and Baltic, Scandinavia, South Africa, Korea, Spain and Portugal, Turkey (two different packages), Hawaii and the United States West Coast, as well as the United States East Coast and Canada.

Whew! So many places left to explore. What is stopping me? Time and money of course! But I will want to go all the places I mentioned in this lifetime, which means I have to keep living, as I do not wish to miss out on any of the beautiful places I want to see.

Now, why does none of the tours offer a trip to Stratford-upon-Avon and the English Channel where William of Normandy first crossed into England in 1066?

Trying To Be Positive ....

This post is a special favour for someone who challenged me to write something positive, for another someone who is recuperating in the hospital.

I must say it is a hard challenge because I am still having fever, and with all the depression I am feeling, plus the cold war my parents are having (my dad came back on Saturday night but my mum has yet to speak a single word to him), it is hard to maintain postive at this period.

But I guess all the negativity will build up and it will only cause me to be more depressed, more sick, and make me feel weaker when I am supposed to be recovering well. I owe it to my mum at least for getting back in shape.

I think to myself : if I am going to be so depressed, what good is it? I will get more sick, I will not be able to go out this weekend, I will again have to miss Mass and not be able to go for Confession to find peace, and my mum may just cancel the trip altogether. I cannot let that happen, not when I am getting so perked up over the vacation.

But I also ask myself : at times like this when I am on the verge of death (okay, a little exaggeration), what things can I be positive about? Perhaps that I am still alive. That I did not breathe my last at the operating table.

That I have people who are concerned about me. That my mum is willing to take time off to get me away so I can cheer up. That my dad specially brought back high-quality alpine chocolates for me in a bid to make me feel better.

And I owe it to them, and to myself, to recover, to recuperate, to be cheerful again. I cannot let my family and my friends down by giving up on myself. Like what my mum told me, there is only so much she can do. The rest depends on myself, whether I want to make the effort to recover, physically, mentally, emotionally.

And do I want to recover? Of course I do! I want to recuperate in the shortest time possible, to get my life back on track, to have things back to normal, to enjoy myself again, and not have people worry about me all the time.

Besides, I still have dreams. I still have goals. I still want to get my Honours, then Masters, and if can, a PhD too. I still want to travel around the world. There are so many more areas left unexplored, namely Stonehenge, Stratford-upon-Avon, Louvre Museum, Vatican City, Gold Coast, Cape of Good Hope, Table Mountain, to name a few.

And I still want to get married, to have children, to nurture them, to see them outshine me. I still have so many things not fulfilled and not done. How can I just give up on life like this?

Thus I must recover. Fast. Hopefully when I go back for the check-up next week, the doctor will be surprised at the speed and rate I am recovering and can discharge me altogether.

My Dying Wish ....

Only through death, everything comes to nought. What is the use of money? What is the use of a brilliant career where you work your life away and never get to reap what you sow?

Death takes everything away. Your money cannot be buried with you, and your job will automatically be given to someone else. The company will not even pay you compensation or thank you for your many years of services once you are dead.

How would I like to die? Preferably in the arms of someone I love. Or in my sleep. The most peaceful way to go.

What do I want to do before I die? I want to travel round the world. I want to make sure my parents are comfortably well-off even after they retire (although that is not really for me to worry about). I want to make sure I can have children who outshine me.

And what will my eulogy be like? Who will deliver it? Perhaps my first brother. It will probably be the shortest one in history. The late C____ J______ L____. Rest In Peace. Amen. And I want to be cremated, and my ashes buried with him.

Will I want a funeral service? Will I want to be remembered after death? Will people even remember me after I die? I will want a Catholic funeral service mass. I will want people to remember me the way I was, the cheerful happy-go-lucky one, not the sunken, artifically-made-up corpse in the coffin. And I want my best picture to be displayed.

What sort of wreaths would I like? Preferably not a single one. But flowers on my tomb I would adore. Preferably white lilies. Or red roses. Or orange birds-of-paradise, which unfortunately can only be found in Papua New Guinea nowadays. Or blue forget-me-nots. Or even a big yellow sunflower.

And what would I like on my tomb? A message scribbled by the he-who-loves-me, and the he-whom-I-love.

And that, is my dying wish.

If Tomorrow Never Comes ....

What will I do if I only have twenty-four hours left to live? I will want my dreams to come true. I want to get a Masters degree. I want to get married to him, and bear him a few kids. I want to bring my parents for a world tour (or at least the places they have never been to). I want all wars to stop and to have world peace.

If I can only fulfil one thing, I will want to spend my last twenty-four hours with someone I love, then I can die in peace. If tomorrow never comes, I want today to be filled with happy memories of him. I want people to see me happy and smiling, and not sunken and sad. I want to spend the day creating beautiful and sweet memories with my loved ones.

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

~~ If Tomorrow Never Comes (Ronan Keating) ~~

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise, I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or two to stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming, you would know I do.

If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we always get a second chance to make everything right.

There will always be another day to say our "I love you's", And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do's?"

But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get, I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget, Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day, That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to
grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, whisper in their ear, Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear, Take time to say "I'm sorry," "please forgive me," "thank you" or "it's okay".

And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

~~ Author Unknown ~~

So what will you do if tomorrow never comes? My only wish is that you will be happy and fulfilled, whatever your last wish is. And do tell your loved ones you love them, before you run out of chances.

Going Away For Peace Of Mind

Mummy dearest promised to bring me on a tour after I have recuperated to sort of get some fresh air and get away from things. So we are looking at going away around mid-July.

I initially wanted to go down South for the winter, so proposed the Lord of the Rings New Zealand tour, but she said no mountainous terrain and no skiing in my condition. Darn! Just when I thought I can finally try my hand (or leg) at skiing.

Now it is summer time in the Northern Hemisphere, and it will be very hot everywhere. We wanted to get away from the heat of our own country, to somewhere not too hot but not too cold as well. So we have narrowed down two choices - Northern Japan and Russia, where it is rather cooling even during summer.

I was sourcing online for tour packages the whole morning, and have come up with three choices. One, a seven-day Hokkaido tour. The others are two different packages for the Russian tour. So I called the agencies and managed to get the itinerary.

Hokkaido Tour

Day 1 : Singapore-Tokyo on All Nippon Airways

Day 2 : Tokyo-Otaru-Sapporo (Salmon Aquarium in Chitose, Otaru Music Box Museum, Otaru Canal shops, Mount Moiwa for a view of Sapporo City)

Day 3 : Sapporo-Biei-Durano-Sounkyo (White Chocolate Factory, Odori Park, Hokkaido Jingu Shrine, Furano Floral Festival)

Day 4 : Sounkyo-Asahikawa (Mount Daisetsu-zan Sounkyo Gorge, Shooting Star Falls, Silver River Falls, Otokoyama Sake Brewery Museum in Asahikawa)

Day 5 : Asahikawa-Noboribetsu (Shiraoi Ainu Village, Jigokudani aka Hell Valley in Noboribetsu, "Seduction of the Lights" event)

Day 6 : Noboribetsu-Sapporo (Sapporo Beer Factory, Nijo Fresh Seafood Market, Susukino Ramen Alley, Tanukikoji Shopping Arcade)

Day 7 : Sapporo-Chitose-Singapore (via Tokyo)

Russian Tour (Number 1)

Day 1 : Singapore-Moscow on Singapore Airlines

Day 2 - 3 : Moscow (Red Square, St. Basil's Cathedral, Lenin's Mausoleum, Boishoi Theatre, Sparrow Hills, Moscow Metro, Moscow Circus, Kremlin, Cathedrals of Assumption, Annunciation and Archangel, Church of the Virgin Gown's Deposition, Beltry of Ivan the Great, Cathedral of the Twelve Apostles, GUM Department Store)

Day 4 : Moscow-Tver-Novgorod (Kiln - once home to Russian composer Tchaikovsky, Tver on Volga River, Russian Plains, Novgorod)

Day 5 : Novgorod-St Petersburg (11th-century St Sophia's Cathedral, Kremlin, St Petersburd folklore show-cum-dinner)

Day 6 - 7 : St Petersburg (Fortress of St Peter and St Paul, St Issac's Cathedral, cruiser "Aurora", Memorial to the Siege of Leningrad in World War II, Peter the Great's Summer Residence at Petrodvorets)

Day 8 : St Petersburg-Moscow (Scenic train ride from St Petersburg to Moscow)

Day 9 - 10 : Moscow-Singapore

Russian Tour (Number 2)

Day 1 : Singapore-Helsinki (stopover)

Day 2 : Helsinki-St Petersburg (The Hermitage Museum, cruiser "Aurora")

Day 3 : St Petersburg (Palace of Petrodvorets, Pushkin's Sculptures)

Day 4 : St Petersburg-Moscow (Train ride to Moscow)

Day 5 - 6 : Moscow (Kremlin, Cathedrals of Uspensky, Blagoveshchensky and Archangels, Lenin Mausoleum, Red Square, Cathedral of St Basil, Arbat Street)

Day 7 : Moscow-Vladimir-Suzda (Golden Gates in Vladimir by coach, Suzda by coach)

Day 8 : Suzda-Moscow (Suzda City tour, Moscow by coach, City tour)

Day 9 - 10 : Moscow-Helsinki-Singapore

Come to think of it, Russia seems like a dream place for me. With its great cathedrals, and the olden Renaissance architecture, and the country of Tsars and "Father of Communism". What is the use of going to another place if one is not able to soak up the culture and history?

So I showed my mum the itinerary, and in the end we decided on the Hokkaido tour. Firstly, she was not able to take so many days off. Secondly, the Russian tours are too expensive, as we still need airport tax and visas.

Furthermore, my brother may be coming back and she wants to bring him along with us, since he has been stuck in China the past few years and missed out on a lot of our family tours. So with an extra person, our budget will be blown.

So Northern Japan, here I come! Which means I have only about two weeks to master some Japanese words, otherwise I will not be able to communicate with the people there!

Actually I would so love to go Hokkaido or Russia during Winter, then we can experience the full effects of Winter, only to have my mum tell me off for being mad, as she says going to places like these during Winter time, I will freeze to death before I can even do anything else.

Insomniacs, Anonymous

I have been having sleepless nights. Ever since three weeks back when I first discovered my problem. Coincidentally I had quite a dramatic June last year, and this June seems equally dramatic for me.

I am not able to sleep because I just have too many things on my mind. Before the surgery, it was the problem of how to solve the problem, and whether I should just do it on my own without bothering my parents since they have their own troubles too.

Then when my mum knew and tried to solve the problem for me, it was mixed feelings on my part. On one hand, I was relieved she was helping me, on the other hand it seemed like she just wanted me to do things her way again.

The night before the surgery, I was so scared that I could not sleep a wink at all. I was afraid of what would happen. People have died at operating tables before, and even though mine was just a minor surgery, I was still scared.

I was afraid that it would be very painful. I was afraid of what I would see if the surgeon showed me what he removed. I was afraid the anaesthetic would not be strong enough and I could actually feel the needles and knives poking and cutting into my flesh.

The first few days after the surgery were equally emotional. I had constant nightmares of being cut open, of the surgeon discovering he removed more than was necessary, of complications resulting from the operation which caused my body never to function the same way again.

I still cry in bed every night. I am so afraid that if I fall asleep, I may have nightmares again. Besides, now I have other things on my mind, since I am so worried about my parents' problem.

If my dad is willing to show more that he cares for us, perhaps my parents' problems can be resolved. But if he does not, then my mum is likely to leave as she is really getting very disappointed and fed up with him.

I do not blame my parents if they separate. Afterall, a marriage, even after so long, can work out only if both parties put in the effort. If they want to separate, perhaps my mum may end up happier.

What I worry is their status being in limbo, with my dad not really caring, and my mum caring too much what he does, and they end up being in an unhappy state again.

All my sleeplessness and depression has culminated into a high fever last night. I hope it is not due to infection from my "wound". I want to recuperate, not to get even more sick.

A Dad Or No Dad?

My youngest brother asked me yesterday should he fake some family emergency so my dad could come home, otherwise we may have no father left?

I told him I am not sure if that will work. Afterall, when my first brother was hospitalised for three weeks last year due to dengue fever, my dad did not come home. When I had my operation, he did not come home.

When our walls were crumbling, my mum's bathroom was leaking (still leaking actually, so still out of function), my air-conditioner broke down, my dad was not around. My mum had to be the handyman.

Somehow I wonder, if he did not happen to be around when my mum was having her ambigram a few months back, would he have come back for her?

I saw my mum taking leave just to take care of my brother in the hospital last year. He had to be in intensive care for two weeks. My mum put her work aside just to do that. My aunts and uncles and cousins came to see him. My mum's colleagues dropped by after work. My ex came with me to see him. Where was my dad throughout?

When I had my surgery done, my mum took a day off for me. My aunt was there too. And so was someone, although right now it was better he did not appear since I never wanted to have anything to do with him again. Even my uncle, now that he knew, asked about me.

Where was my dad? Does he think just a few messages saying he cares for me is enough? What is the use of merely paying lip service if he does not show it in action? Even my friends ask about me more often. Do other people care more for me than my own father?

Sometimes I wish I never have a father. He is never around anyway. And whenever he is around, he will be so laid-back. He never really talks to me nowadays. And he causes my mum so much grief and heartache from his actions.

Does he even care for the family? He fathered me, and yet he does not even care what happens to me? If it is not for my mum, our whole family would have been living on the streets. We would have starved to death long ago. At least my mum is proactive.

My parents are still together, yet somehow they are not together. Perhaps if my parents are separated or divorced, I may still get to see my dad more often than now. Only thing is if my parents divorce now, I will probably not want to see him again because he is the cause of it.

Daddy Come Home

I feel bad, really really bad. I feel so guilty that I have no idea what to do to make things better. Initially I thought I was guilty for not taking better care of myself which warrants that operation in the first place.

I am still guilty and depressed over that. If only I had not indulged so much. If only I had taken life more seriously. If only I did not care about having fun all the time. My body has to pay the price. I only have one body, so if I damage it, nothing else can be done.

My mum says to treat this as a lesson learnt. Only thing is, why must it be such a painful lesson? If only I have known it is going to be so painful, I would have restricted myself more instead of doing whatever I liked. My health is now in jeapardy because of my own doing.

But I am not feeling guilty because of this. The operation is over, and all my regret and depression will soon be over (I hope). I am guilty because my mum became so upset due to my problem. I wish I could have prevented this whole thing in the first place, so she would not be hurt on my accord.

All the more so because she has become so disappointed with my dad. Me too. My dad was supposed to stay until my first brother finishes his final examinations. But his examinations ended a few days back. My mum was expecting my dad to fly back immediately, yet he gave excuses that he needed to attend to something at this place and that place.

Thus my mum blew her top. She felt that was all he cared about for his family, that when his wife needed his support the most, needed him to be around the most, and his daughter needed him to be around the most, he chose not to be around.

My dad sent me a few messages, but what was the use? I wanted him here in person. I do not want to hear his words, saying he cares for me if he does not even bother to come back and show me.

Similarly, my mum does not want to just hear his voice. Voices can be disembodied. She wants him here in person to support her, to comfort her, to be emotionally there for her. What is the use of a man if he cannot be there for you during your most difficult time?

Now I feel so bad. I should not have given my mum such trouble. Now that she is so upset, I cannot seem to do anything to help her. I really wish my dad can just come back immediately. It is not just my mum, I wanted him around too, especially during this period.

My Heart Will Go On ....

So my operation is a success. Thanks to everyone's kindness and prayers. Now I feel weak and depressed. Depressed because I still cannot get over the guilt that is washing over me. The disappointment that my own mother makes me go through this instead of just letting me live through it.

As I said, I cannot blame her, but she is not the one who got insomnia the night before the operation. She is not the one who cried buckets days before the operation. She is not the one who screamed so loudly when the doctor poked my hand with a needle, and left the tube there for the anaesthetic to flow through my entire body.

She is also not the one who screamed so loudly that she almost got an epilectic fit and the doctor had to cover her nose and mouth with a breathing apparatus. The only saving grace was that the anaesthetic worked so well that I had no recollection whatsoever of the operation. When I was awakened by the nurse, the procedure was already over and I was already back at the ward.

She told me what I went through is nothing, as compared to giving birth, as the woman has to be conscious for the baby to be born. Yes, she was there to encourage me when I cried before the surgery. She thought I cried because I was afraid. I was afraid, but the real reason I cried because I could never live with myself.

If she gave birth to me, why did she put me through this? She said it is for the best. The best for whom? Herself? My dad? Or really for me? The guilt and misery I am going to live with for the rest of my life, is it really for the best for me? And why did she crudely tell my guy to "leave her alone and let her rest" when he specially took the time to see me at the hospital after the operation?

My dad sent me a message saying that he knows it is a depressing time for me, and says he loves me and can call him anytime I want to talk. If he really loves me, why did he not stop her from doing what she did? I have no power to stop her, but he could.

And how would anyone truly understand just how depressed and miserable I feel? They are not me, they have not gone through what I have experienced the past few weeks. They do what they think is right, for the family.

Have they ever thought of doing what is right for me? Have they ever thought I may not think like them, but yet still have to be forced to listen to what they want or risk being thrown out? Someone asked me why did I not stand up for myself. I did, I protested, I really protested.

But what was the use? In the end all came to nought. My mum always has the final say. No one can ever go against her wishes. I thought I can be strong, that this operation will not affect me, that it is absolutely necessary I must go through with it.

Yet now why am I feeling so miserable when everything is well now? Why am I still crying buckets and sobbing uncontrollably? There is nothing I can do now. The deed is done. My heart can only go on.... and hopefully it heals someday.

Father's Day Greetings!

Happy Father's Day to all the daddies in the world! I only wish my own dad is around. Many times I wonder is there a difference if there is a dad in the family, as in a proactive dad who takes care of the family and spends time with the children, not one who just brings in the money and neglects the family?

I always have the inkling that mothers are more important because children normally need the tender loving care of a maternal figure. Which is why in divorce cases here, mothers are most often than not given full custody of the children, especially if the kids are less than five years of age.

Then where does the father figure comes in? My grandfather passed away when my mum was less than two years of age. She hardly remembers what he looks like, except for the picture of him which my grandmother still keeps.

Whenever my granduncle visited them, my mum was always so excited. She wanted him to carry her, bounce her on his knee. It was like he became a father to her. So she told me that it is very cruel and depressing for a child to grow up in a family without a father figure.

Besides, it has been scientifically proven (according to my mum) that adults who grew up in complete families tend to be better off socially and emotionally than those who grew up in single parent families. It is like there is always a psychological barrier that they do not have fathers, so are worse off than the rest.

My father has been more laid back through the years. I hardly talk to him nowadays, plus the fact that he is mostly away. But when I was young, he was rather protective of me. He could be even more protective than my mum at times!

So this Father's Day, I want to take the opportunity to be grateful that I have a good father. He shows his love and care for me in his own ways. I only wish he is around so I can spend the day with him before I get indisposed.

Meanwhile, I have packed my things for the hospitalisation. With luck, I can be discharged tomorrow night. Hopefully all goes well and I can come home as soon as possible.

Giving Thanks ....

With a grateful heart. A real heartfelt thanks and appreciation for everyone who is so concerned for me. I really feel so overwhelmed that there are so many people who love me. Unfortunately, although I would really like to satisfy your curiosity, I am afraid I cannot tell my exact situation, at least not in cyberspace.

I do not know who else will have access to my blog, and if I spill the beans, the last thing I want is for someone who knows my family find out what happened and call my mum and ask her. I do not wish for my mum or any of my relatives in the know to be put in an awkward situation, especially not after how they have helped me.

This matter does not involve me alone, but also my family and loved ones. It is for their protection that I do not wish to say what really happened. Thus please respect and understand if I do not tell the entire situation.

All I can say is that I will be having an operation come Monday. I do not deny that I am nervous, upset and practically hyperventilating. This is the first time in my life that I am having an operation and I do not even know if I can survive through this.

I am so scared of needles, knives and anything pointy. Which is why I am still hesitant in going for LASIK, even though I have been so tempted to so many times. Whereas now I have to overcome all my fears and go ahead.

Which is why I have to quit my job. After the operation, I will be out of commission for goodness knows how long. It is unfair if I do not quit, take long leave but have no idea when I will be back. It is more practical if I just resign, then the company can just hire someone else to take over my job.

Speaking of which, two new girls are taking over my job. One just got transferred from the Commercial department, and the other one is newly hired. Yesterday was my last day, and I have finally finished handing over and briefing them.

I must admit I left with sadness in my heart. Finally I got used to the environment and distance, yet now have to move again. Not by choice, but circumstances. Just like the operation is not by choice, but circumstances. If I do not operate, more complications will occur.

I am still upset over the choice of operation. If I have my way, I will not do this, just live through it. But my mum, ever practical, wants me to operate. She says it is for the best. I refused of course.

In the end, the doctor himself said an operation is absolutely necessary, or else it will lead to more problems later on. Thus, I have to concur.

I guess Mummy knows best after all. Although I do not listen to her on most things, in this respect, she is really trying her best to help me and do waht she thinks is best for me and the family. Thus I cannot blame her for what she wants to put me through.

She called my dad and told him my problem, and he asks me if I need him to come back. I will hope to of course, as well as for my brother to come back. But my brother is in the midst of his final examinations, and this is the World Cup season.

So my dad is over at his side monitoring him, lest he gets too distracted and neglect his studies. As a result, they cannot come back for the time being until his papers are all completed.

My dear is even more wonderful and loving than before. He is showing me the utmost support, each time I feel sick, each time when I was in a difficult mood because of my condition, and he asks about me the time when I came back from my checkup. He will even be taking time off to see me at the hospital.

No doubt this is what he should do, but some other guys will just disappear once their girlfriends are in trouble, as they do not wish to be burdened. My exs were like that - no sign of them each time I was sick, yet I was expected to nurse them back to health each time they were sick.

In times like these, one can tell who is really sincere and truly love and care for you. A guy who is willing to stick with a girl and brave through difficulties with her no matter what happens is a real keeper.

Now counting down to Monday. I wonder what the outcome will be?

Musings Of The Moment

Can anyone really know pain until you have something to be really painful about? Somehow I think the worst pain is that of losing one's own child. Like what happened to my aunts, who lost a daughter each. Like what happened to two of my cousins whose first pregnancies both failed.

Painful as a failed pregnancy is, I wonder if it can be compared to the pain of losing the child at birth? If the foetus died in the tummy when it was only a few weeks old, will the pain be the same as when the poor mother struggled to give birth to the child, only to have the child die at birth?

Or the pain of losing a child when the parents have taken care of the child for a few years, or several years? Or even when the child is already an adult?

Maybe that is why parents always wish they will go before their children, so they will not suffer the pain of losing a child. Unless the child is really ill and living on is worse than dying, than perhaps they may just wish the child may go so as not to see him / her suffering any longer, because they get more painful seeing the child suffer. Perhaps that is the extent of a parent's love.

My aunts told me the other day at dinner that they admire my mum. She is such a career woman, yet she takes the pain to nurture her children properly. Most career women will concentrate on their work and neglect the family.

When my late cousin was struck down with leukaemia, my mum was the first to take action. She got most people in her company to go to the hospital and see if any one of them could be a suitable bone marrow donor.

When my other late cousin died of an asthmatic attack on the way to the hospital, my mum drove down immediately to keep my aunt company and settled all the proceedings. That is why my aunts are so willing to do everything for her.

Come to think of it, I do not seem to have even done a fraction of what she has done. She tried so hard to save others' lives, yet ..... But I guess I should not blame her for that, since now she is doing everything she can to get me out of my situation.

I am not being cruel or heartless here, but I wish my parents can go before me, so that they will not have the grieve and pain of losing me. Let me suffer the pain and grieve when they are gone, of losing such good and kind parents.

Meanwhile I just tendered my resignation today. My boss wanted to reprimand me for quitting at this time, but she was so busy that she had no time to talk to me. I put the last day as Friday, although I was supposed to give two weeks' notice.

My mum says that if I need to pay the company back the remaining time, she will write a cheque for me there and then. With luck, I can probably go off tomorrow and not stay until Friday.

My Human Resource Manager was not happy that I quit without notice. But I will not be able to work even if I stay on for two weeks, because come next week, I will officially be on long-term medical leave.

Next week will be really crucial for me. I will either pull through unscathed, or lapse into greater depression. Whatever it is, I hope I can be strong enough to go through everything. Like what Angie says, I Will Survive!

Breaking Down ....

Everything and everyone is breaking down! Firstly, my air-conditioning broke down, and I had to bear with all the hot air and stuffiness for a few days. Luckily the guy came and repaired my unit, but I got a fan for my room all the same.

Now, my mum's bathroom is out of function. Apparently her bathtub cracked, and now the dining room downstairs is leaking, which means we have to have our meals somewhere else temporarily.

I finally broke down last night while on my way to meet my aunts for dinner. My dear was accompanying me, when I suddenly cried in front of him (and in front of all the other passengers on the train). The stress and vexations of the last couple of weeks finally got to me.

Actually when my aunt wanted to meet me for dinner, I sensed it would be another grilling session. As if the grilling session by my cousin the previous day was not enough. My suspicions were confirmed when I saw not just one, but both my aunts at the meeting place.

I knew my mum sent them to find out what was happening. As usual, I did not tell them much except my work problems. So they drove me home and brought me in front of my mum and started the chatting.

Apparently, my mum broke down in front of them. She is a career woman, she is capable and powerful, and "merciless", yet she broke down in front of them, asking them to help her to help me.

My mum said she knows what is going on, because I am her child, so nothing I do or going through can escape her eyes. She says I should have gone to her immediately and she can help me solve my problem much earlier instead of dragging on.

Thus the Queen's orders. Stay home and recuperate. She will bring me to see a specialist, then I will go back to my company and resign, then take a month off and she will bring me on a holiday to take my mind off everything.

I was thinking it is a bit too drastic to resign, perhaps I can just take a month no-pay leave or something. But since my supervisor is so troublesome, she is not likely to grant me the leave, and I really need the break otherwise I may fall right into depression.

Perhaps it is all for the best. I am relieved that my mum did not lecture me or anything, and she is helping me to resolve the issue. But then, why am I feeling such intense misery when my problem is going to be resolved?

In A Snappy Mood ....

I hate myself lately. I seem to be snapping at others more often. Just when I thought I can finally have my temper under control.

Like a few days back, a guy friend happened to bump into me online, and started pouring out his woes to me. Normally I would lend him a listening ear, but I was not in the mood since I was going to hit the sack soon.

He wanted to talk to me since he said he had some trouble. I felt like telling him how can he be in worse trouble than me? But then again, compared to a lot of people, I cannot compare what I am going through with what they are going through, so I shall not complain. Especially since I am so worried about a certain friend who was recovering, yet now ....

My friend was in some relationship problem (as always). His first girlfriend left him as she finds him too whiny (which I agree!). I have never come across another guy more whiny, even worse than me!

Then he had another girlfriend, but she was the demanding and petty type who wanted everything her way. He kept giving in until he could not take it anymore, so he left her.

Now he is after this girl who does not wish to accept him. He kept telling her that he will be very good to her, he will remain true and loyal, etc, but she says she has no feelings of that type for him. So he asked me why do girls always go according to their feelings?

Of course! Not just girls, even guys! The girl can go ahead and pursue a guy, but if he has no feelings whatsoever towards her, he will also not accept her advances. Same goes for girls. The guy can be so nice and kind to her, but if she does not feel the same way, she will not accept him as well.

I lost my patience with him and told him that if the girl does not like him, then give up, move on with his life, and stop whining that things must go his way all the time. He was quite shocked when I said that.

I was shocked at myself too. Since when have I become someone so mean? In the past I would lend a listening ear, be sensitive to his feelings, and tell him my point of view in a gentler way. Why did I snap at him all of a sudden?

In a way, I was quite disgusted with him. I admit there used to be a period of time when I was like that too. But I have come to realise that it is not the end of the world, especially since there are other bigger issues out there, like life and death.

And this period has been a rather bad timing. On one hand, I am still vexed over my problem, on the other hand, I am so worried about my friend. I guess I am not in the mood to entertain any trivial problems. Alright, may not be trivial to him, but definitely trivial to me in light of what I am worrying about right now.

I have not apologised to him yet. Perhaps I should do so soon, at least to tell him I am sorry, I should not have said what I said and probably hurt him more, and hope there will be no hard feelings.

Meanwhile, another busy week ahead. Wonder what will happen during this week? And why do I have such a strong craving for the McDonald's Fillet O Fish burger right now?

Sunday Brunch .... And Chit-Chat

I have been so lethargic lately that all I could do was to flop down on my bed the moment I reached home. No inclination or inspiration to do anything else. Plus the fact that I have not been feeling that well of late.

My maternal grandma just came back after a three-month trip to China, so we went down to one of the country clubs (where my dad and uncle hold memberships) for lunch. The folks suddenly seem to be more adventurous, so we tried Indian food.

Normally I could partake everything, but the fish head curry totally turned me off. Not that it was not nice, but somehow I did not have the appetite for curry today. Plus, all the food was so spicy, and I have been sort of turned off all kinds of spices lately. The only thing I could take in was the rice and Naan and Chappati.

My aunt said my cousin is finally pregnant. Nine weeks. She has been married for about two and half years anyway. Everyone was so excited, and started congratulating her, grinning from ear to ear, and giving her advice and tips.

I was depressed. Not because of my cousin's great news. I am ecstatic about that, but because if I am to tell them something, their reactions will be totally different. Anyway I have no intention to tell anyone until ....

My cousin then invited me over to her place after lunch to play with her dog. Gosh, I miss her dog! Eight months old already. The last time I saw him he was still a little puppy, frisking around chewing things.

It turned out that there was more to it than just seeing the dog. Apparently, my mum called her mum and asked her mum to ask her to talk to me, since I have always looked up to her as an elder sister.

She said my mum is very concerned about me. She senses that something is troubling me but does not know how to approach the subject. Hmmm.... I thought I have been acting rather normally around her?

Anyway, my mum says that I have become more choosy over what I eat, I refuse chocolate cake, I pulled out of the performance, and I have been looking so listless lately.

She asked if there is anything wrong. I was so tempted to just tell her everything, but in the end I held back. She is expecting, and I do not wish to suddenly give her a big shock over what I said.

I just told her that I am stress over my work, which has been driving me crazy lately. And also about the troublesome supervisor I have. We just chatted a while, talked about old times and of the future.

Her baby will be the first new generation of my mum's side. And definitely will not be the last. I wonder if anyone will know how near the next baby will come along?

To All Parents ....

I realise I have never really appreciated my parents all these years. No doubt we have differing opinions on most things, and I am a useless good-for-nothing in their eyes, but I feel I should take the time to do something for them.

Like bringing my mum out during her birthday and on Mother's Day. Father's Day is coming soon, and hopefully my dad will be back in town, then perhaps I can bring him out too.

My relationship with my parents have more downs than ups. I always used to think they are asking for the impossible when it comes to me, but the moment I put myself in a parental mode and understand their frame of minds, I know now that they just want me to be someone they can be proud of.

The reason they ask so much of me probably because my mum has the hardest time expecting me. It was a difficult pregnancy, she was in labour for more than twenty-four hours, and in the end she had to have an emergency caesarian to bring me into this world.

Because of me, my mum lost her figure, and had never gone back to her pre-pregnancy slimness. Because of me, she developed certain complications, making her hard to conceive after that, resulting in two miscarriages.

Which is why my first brother was a miracle. My parents were resigned to the fact that they probably would only have one child, so they started grooming me to be the best since young. But my mum's subsequent pregnancies were much easier, compared to the time when she had me.

This is why my first brother and I have a six-year difference. Now he is in China being trained to take over my dad's business over there. I really miss him around. Now that I have my own problems, I wish more than anything for him to be around. He is the only one who can lend me a listening ear and be totally supportive of my decision.

However, my mum never did manage to give birth naturally. Her cervix was damaged while trying to push me out, and since then, she had to always give birth through caesarian. So when my youngest brother was born ten years after me, it was the same process.

We were never breast-fed as my mum is lactose-intolerant. I was trained to take milk from a bottle since I was an infant. My brothers too. Somehow, my parents never invested as much time, money and effort on my brothers as compared to me.

Piano classes, organ classes, ballet classes, speech and drama, computer classes, holiday study camps, whatever there was, I was sent for the course. Within a week, I had to shuttle from school to home to whatever class I was taking for that day.

My mum used to draw up a timetable for me, blocking away study times, acitvity times, practising music times. Television-watching and socialising were never included in the timetable.

She would bring me shopping and pick out the best dresses for me, tie my hair in all kinds of styles, doll me up into a little princess. Comparatively, my brothers were left alone most of the time with my maid. They never have the type of enrichment classes I had.

Honestly speaking, my mum had done a lot for me, as compared to my brothers. My dad would also used to bring me out for dinner at whichever place I fancied each time he picked me up from whatever enrichment class I was attending.

I used to gripe that why my mum controls everything I do even now, but never do the same to my brothers. Now I truly understand why. Because she loves me the most. Because she treasures me the most. Because she finds it hardest to let me go.

And I have been an ingrate. I have not really appreciated her for everything she has done for me. And now that I am facing problems, I have no idea how to even tell her.

All these made me wonder just how a parent I will be. I start to wonder if I am only to have one child, how will I treat him / her? My guy says he bets I can be a good parent, but the thought of parenthood scares me.

Will I gain my child's respect? Will I gain my child's love? How will I treat my child? Will I give him / her the best things to the best of my ability? Will I be able to be a responsible parent and ensure my child grows up into a good and responsible person?

I really salute all parents out there, especially all mothers. They can endure difficulty and sufferings throughout pregnancy and childbirth and then spend their lives giving their children the best. Having a kid is really a lifetime commitment.

And to my parents : I love you, both of you! I never say it much but I do! I thank you for everything, for giving me life, for exposing me to all kinds of things, for gaining my knowledge. I will always be your child, no matter what happens, no matter which course of life I take, no matter what path I choose. I only hope I can have your support for whatever I do.

Yet More "Ugly" Singaporeans!

Ugly Singaporeans, yet again! Totally disgusted! People just sashay by without showing consideration and caring about others!

I was on my way home in the train earlier. I was sitting next to this guy in a military uniform. I presume he is at least a Corporal and above. There was this pregnant lady, so big that she is on the verge of popping, standing right in front of him.

I saw him look at her, sat back and relaxed in his MP3. What the?! What happened to all the gallantry and chivalry? And does he know how sick a pregnant lady can feel? She will develop headaches, giddiness, leg cramps, backaches and feelings of nausea even in the early stages! I believe it will be worse in the third trimester.

In the end I offered my seat to the lady. She must have felt really relieved as she looked really uncomfortable standing up. I glared at the guy only to have him give me an innocent look. Do not play coy with me if you jolly well know why I was fed up!

However I was not feeling so well myself. I had been feeling rather lethargic and weak lately, so standing up for a while was not a good idea. Thus, when I saw an empty seat, I was really relieved. I was just about to sit down when a guy in a business suit came in suddenly, shoved past me and grabbed the place.

Have guys nowadays really no more chivalry? It is one thing not giving up your seat when you have already sat down, but it is another thing altogether when you see a lady (or anyone) about to sit down and you "wrestle" the seat away.

Then on my way home, I felt like eating certain types of food, so I dropped by the food centre nearby and bought my dinner. There were smokers everywhere. This guy in the queue in front of me was with his pregnant wife (I seem to see a lot of pregnant ladies this year. Hopefully our government will be happy.).

He was smoking and blowing smoke all over, towards me, towards his wife, and he was pointing his cigarette butt in my direction. I could not take it. I let him have it. I told him to refrain from smoking and pointing his cigarette at me, because his smoke was making me difficult to breathe.

Besides I may easily catch lung cancer because of him. Furthermore, it is dangerous to smoke when his wife is pregnant, as it affects the baby if she breathes in too much smoke, so he better kick the habit if he does not want his kid to be an imbecile.

The guy looked at me speechless. After that he quickly stubbed out his butt. Hmmmm..... amazing how sometimes telling people off can work wonders! Oh well, I guess that was just a one-time lucky thing. I may not get off so easily the next time round if I do such a thing.

Come to think of it, was I rather self-centred too? After all, people have a right to do what they like, including causing public hazard. So what right do I have to tell people off? Or is it because lately I am on this health kick, which triggered this off? Still, perhaps I should have just minded my own business and kept my mouth shut.

A Dream Of ....

I had a funny dream the other night. I dreamt we have a son and he looks a lot like him. And we name him "Jeremiah". Maybe next time I can dream we have a girl (hopefully she will look like my prettiest cousin), then we can name her "Jacqueline" (my Confirmation name) or "Jereline".

This got us talking about kids in general. He says he likes children, so he always wish he can have three or four kids. I told him I love children too, and hope I can have five kids!

I asked him out of curiosity whether he prefers a boy or girl, and he says he has no preference. A boy can look out for the siblings and parents, but once he has a girlfriend, normally she comes first.

A girl can be more troublesome (of course!), but as she grows, she will be the one closer to the family, the one that is more obedient. Wonder how true that is?

He says he will let me name the child, since I can come out with better names. And he hopes the kid takes after me since I am smarter, more talented, etc. That is soooooooooo not true!

I do not want my kid to be like me! Otherwise my life will be a nightmare! My mum had such a difficult time when she was expecting me. She vomitted throughout from the day I was conceived till the day I was born, and there were periods where she had to lie down for days.

And after I was born, I remember shouting matches with her all the time when I was growing up. I really hope none of my kids take after any of my traits!

One weirdo in the family is enough. I want my kids to be normal, and not as peculiar as me. I told him I rather our kids take after him, tall, good-looking, thin, quiet, kind, responsible, caring and loving.

A Test Of Friendship?

060606. 666. The Devil's number. Perhaps I can easily be the devil's advocate, or the devil reincarnated, since no amount of purification can cleanse my soul from damnation. I am fully prepared to burn in Hell after I am gone.

I have more flurry of messages asking if I am alright. I turned down an invitation to a chocolate buffet, an invitation to indulge in the Great Singapore Sale, my mum bought some Sinfully Chocolate cake from Awfully Chocolate and I refused even one piece (you should see how high her eyebrows were raised), and even my brother took a look at me and asked if I am really okay.

So I gave up chocolates. Big deal. So I gave up shopping. Big deal. Why must everyone assume there is something wrong with me just because they think I am doing things which are very unlike me?

Besides all these, the past couple of days went by in a blur. I was so out of focus at everything. Work wise I committed more errors than before and my colleague got so irritated as a result. My boss asked me to carry a few cartons up and down and I could hardly achieve that without stopping to catch breaths.

I went for my friend's wedding dinner, which was a disaster. Not the dinner, I was the disaster. My body chose to act up at the wrong time, so as a result, I lost my appetite and could hardly eat anything. In the end, I had to give a sincere apology to my friend and left the dinner early.

Then I called my choral conductor and told her I am officially pulling out of the performance due to personal reasons, only to get a reprimand since rehearsals have already started. What to do when everything chose to happen at the same time?

My dear also remarked he would like the original moi back. I told him I am still the same person, what does he mean by "original"? He says the chatty, cheerful, bubbly version, not the quiet, solemn, serious one I have become the past week.

Yes, everyone remark about the change in me. Of course I am happy that I have people who are concerned about me, although I wonder if they know the true extent of what I am going through, will they still be my friends? Will they still show as much concern? Or will they just totally "tsk tsk" me and start treating me as some sort of sicko?

I really envy Angie. After what she has gone through, getting involved with a guy who cannot be hers, calling off her wedding to someone who truly loves her, and now lying sick somewhere, and I am hoping and praying that she can get better, she still has so many people - old friends and new - who are so concerned about her, who love her so much.

At times I feel so alone. I start reflecting whether do I even have true friends? It always seems like I am always there for others, but when I am in real trouble, nobody is there for me. Alright, I have not really told people my exact situation, so I guess it is unfair to say that.

But if I start to tell others, how will they react? Will they stand by me? Will they blame and say it is all my fault in the first place? Or will they completely stop being my friend?

My best friend and I have been through better and worse times. She was there for me each time I was dumped, each time I got into trouble with my family members, each time when we were in school and some guy pestered me.

I was also there for her, through her relationships, through the time she cried on my shoulder when her ex got married, through the time she had to get "stitched up" because ..... But now, I cannot bring myself to even tell her what I am going through right now.

The thing is this issue is not so easy to be resolved. More and more people will be involved, which mean more people will need to know. And when that happens, I have no idea what will happen to me.

It is hard to continue being so happy-go-lucky when you realise that many things in life are not fixed. All of a sudden one's life can change due to some unforeseen events. When that happens, it is up to the individual what he / she chooses to do.

I made my choice and have to face all consequences. I only hope I have strong enough willpower to withstand whatever that comes my way, and not crumble halfway.

P/S. This song is dedicated to dear Angie. From one "sister" to another. It is one of my favourite songs too! I will pray for you, if my prayers can get answered. May you recover very soon. My offer to sing you the original version is still valid! :-)

A "Thank You" Note ....

The last couple of days, I have been bombarded with messages asking if I am alright. The feedback is that I sound troubled and I seem to be talking in circles.

I just want to say to all : Thank you very much for your concern. I am alright. I just need to settle some issues, things which only I can settle myself.

I am really grateful to all of you, but do not worry. I can take care of myself. :-)

Improving My Health

I have not been in the best of health lately. I was never worried about my physical condition until these few days. I start to think of how to go about improving my health. I have a history of low-blood pressure and anaemia, and for that, I fear I may not be strong enough to withstand certain things.

I need to be stronger. Being healthier probably cut down a lot more problems as time goes by. My mum and I are starting salsa lessons soon, around the middle of this month. Hopefully that amount of exercise can help to build up my body.

Speaking of which, I may decide to pull out of the performance after all due to bad timing. The performance is not bad timing because it has been scheduled ever since the beginning of the year. It just happens that recent events that took place made it a bad timing for me to take part in the performance.

There will be intensive rehearsals, plus fast vigorous dance steps. I fear I may not be able to cope. Right now, I need to be as healthy as I can, and being more stressed and tired is not going to help me.

Sometimes I wish a human need not have limitations, then we can do anything we like anytime we like no matter when or where. But it is due to all these limitations that certain things have to go. At times we have to sacrifice what is least important. And for me to sacrifice a performance, it must be due to something even more important than that.

Reflections Of The Moment

I seriously need some time off to sort out certain things. Maybe I should just join Angie in Yogyakarta. At least helping others can take my mind off my own issues. Besides I have to start learning how to take care and be responsible for others.

Actually I did contemplate taking a few days off and helping out those poor victims, like what I did for the tsunami victims. In the end I was not able to take time off to go to the tsunami areas, and now ......

Firstly I was not able to take leave. Secondly, I just found out about some things which are even more pressing. Plus with my mental state right now, I do not think I can be that good a caregiver as I probably need someone to take care of me as well.

But sometimes a crisis changes a person. Especially when you find out that some things do not involve you alone. When you find out you have to face the consequences of certain things you did, and that you have to be responsible not just for yourself but some others as well.

Like for the last couple of days, I was not able to focus on anything. I was too cooped up with trying to figure out what to do. Yet due to this, I have finally adjusted my lifestyle, made some changes which I never thought I will.

For instance, I have started eating three healthy meals. I am actually becoming conscious of what I take in, instead of just wiping everything off my plate. And I have given up chocolate. I have not touched a single bar for three days without any craving whatsoever, and that to me is an achievement.

I believe people will be shocked, as it takes something really big to make me give up chocolate. But like I said, people can change, especially when you find that the world does not revolve around you anymore.

When you realise that there are many more people suffering in the world, it makes one guilty of indulging in luxury. It makes you reflect your values, your beliefs, your principles. It makes you seriously think of what is right and what is wrong.

But I guess there will be a stage where everyone grows up. Sometimes it takes something really serious for someone to finally grow up, sit back, and realise that he / she is no longer the focus, and has to start learning how to be responsible to others instead of being so self-centred and frivolous all the time.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for what the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a wood; and I--
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Problem is, shall I take the main path, or the one less travelled by?

Phone Meme

Tagged by Angie. Here goes......

1. What is the phone brand?
Nokia 6170

2. What are the last three digits of your mobile number?
Two One Four

3. What does the second message in your Inbox say?
Sorry, cannot be disclosed, too personal. ;-)

4. Who is the first person who comes up under the letter M?
Mabel (one of my colleagues)

5. Who is the last person you rang?
My dear

6. Who was your last missed call from?
Not sure, it was a private number

7. Who is the second person who comes up under D?
"Da Jie" - my cousin-godma

8. What does the last message in your Inbox say?
Refer to Question 3 above ;-)

9. Who comes up under J?
Jackson

10. Go to your Sent Items -- what does the tenth message say?
Thanks for everything. (To a certain TRS)

11. Who is the fourth person who comes up under s?
Sentosa (the human, not the island)

12. Who is your network provider?
M1

13. How many messages are currently in your Inbox?
Twenty-four

14. What do you have as your background?
A Landscape of falling leaves

15. Who is the second person who comes up under R?
Ray

16. Who do you have on speed dial three?
I do not use speed dial.

17. If you're on pay as you go, how much credit do you have?
Not applicable

18. Who is the first person who comes up under C?
Carol

19. How many bars of signal do you currently have?
Three

20. What do you have as your main ringtone?
Winter Sonata Theme