I have been having sleepless nights. Ever since three weeks back when I first discovered my problem. Coincidentally I had quite a dramatic June last year, and this June seems equally dramatic for me.
I am not able to sleep because I just have too many things on my mind. Before the surgery, it was the problem of how to solve the problem, and whether I should just do it on my own without bothering my parents since they have their own troubles too.
Then when my mum knew and tried to solve the problem for me, it was mixed feelings on my part. On one hand, I was relieved she was helping me, on the other hand it seemed like she just wanted me to do things her way again.
The night before the surgery, I was so scared that I could not sleep a wink at all. I was afraid of what would happen. People have died at operating tables before, and even though mine was just a minor surgery, I was still scared.
I was afraid that it would be very painful. I was afraid of what I would see if the surgeon showed me what he removed. I was afraid the anaesthetic would not be strong enough and I could actually feel the needles and knives poking and cutting into my flesh.
The first few days after the surgery were equally emotional. I had constant nightmares of being cut open, of the surgeon discovering he removed more than was necessary, of complications resulting from the operation which caused my body never to function the same way again.
I still cry in bed every night. I am so afraid that if I fall asleep, I may have nightmares again. Besides, now I have other things on my mind, since I am so worried about my parents' problem.
If my dad is willing to show more that he cares for us, perhaps my parents' problems can be resolved. But if he does not, then my mum is likely to leave as she is really getting very disappointed and fed up with him.
I do not blame my parents if they separate. Afterall, a marriage, even after so long, can work out only if both parties put in the effort. If they want to separate, perhaps my mum may end up happier.
What I worry is their status being in limbo, with my dad not really caring, and my mum caring too much what he does, and they end up being in an unhappy state again.
All my sleeplessness and depression has culminated into a high fever last night. I hope it is not due to infection from my "wound". I want to recuperate, not to get even more sick.
I am not able to sleep because I just have too many things on my mind. Before the surgery, it was the problem of how to solve the problem, and whether I should just do it on my own without bothering my parents since they have their own troubles too.
Then when my mum knew and tried to solve the problem for me, it was mixed feelings on my part. On one hand, I was relieved she was helping me, on the other hand it seemed like she just wanted me to do things her way again.
The night before the surgery, I was so scared that I could not sleep a wink at all. I was afraid of what would happen. People have died at operating tables before, and even though mine was just a minor surgery, I was still scared.
I was afraid that it would be very painful. I was afraid of what I would see if the surgeon showed me what he removed. I was afraid the anaesthetic would not be strong enough and I could actually feel the needles and knives poking and cutting into my flesh.
The first few days after the surgery were equally emotional. I had constant nightmares of being cut open, of the surgeon discovering he removed more than was necessary, of complications resulting from the operation which caused my body never to function the same way again.
I still cry in bed every night. I am so afraid that if I fall asleep, I may have nightmares again. Besides, now I have other things on my mind, since I am so worried about my parents' problem.
If my dad is willing to show more that he cares for us, perhaps my parents' problems can be resolved. But if he does not, then my mum is likely to leave as she is really getting very disappointed and fed up with him.
I do not blame my parents if they separate. Afterall, a marriage, even after so long, can work out only if both parties put in the effort. If they want to separate, perhaps my mum may end up happier.
What I worry is their status being in limbo, with my dad not really caring, and my mum caring too much what he does, and they end up being in an unhappy state again.
All my sleeplessness and depression has culminated into a high fever last night. I hope it is not due to infection from my "wound". I want to recuperate, not to get even more sick.
2 comments:
If you didn't manage to make it to Mass this past Sunday, perhaps you would like to reflect on the Gospel reading this Sunday from Mark.
On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, "Let us go across to the other side." And leaving the crowd behind, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. Other boats were with him. A great windstorm arose, and the waves beat into the boat, so that the boat was already being swamped. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke him up and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" He woke up and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" Then the wind ceased, and there was a dead calm. He said to them, "Why are you afraid? Have you still no faith?" And they were filled with great awe and said to one another, "Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?" Mark 4:35-41
A favourite form of meditation is to put yourself in the scene and imagine and experience what it is like to be there.
Bring your sea of troubles to Jesus and let him command, "Peace! Be still!"
Then try to answer His question, "Why are you afraid?"
Peace be with you.
THanks for sharing. Yup, I did not make it for Mass on Sunday. Feeling guilty about it, but I was still not allowed out.
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