So my operation is a success. Thanks to everyone's kindness and prayers. Now I feel weak and depressed. Depressed because I still cannot get over the guilt that is washing over me. The disappointment that my own mother makes me go through this instead of just letting me live through it.
As I said, I cannot blame her, but she is not the one who got insomnia the night before the operation. She is not the one who cried buckets days before the operation. She is not the one who screamed so loudly when the doctor poked my hand with a needle, and left the tube there for the anaesthetic to flow through my entire body.
She is also not the one who screamed so loudly that she almost got an epilectic fit and the doctor had to cover her nose and mouth with a breathing apparatus. The only saving grace was that the anaesthetic worked so well that I had no recollection whatsoever of the operation. When I was awakened by the nurse, the procedure was already over and I was already back at the ward.
She told me what I went through is nothing, as compared to giving birth, as the woman has to be conscious for the baby to be born. Yes, she was there to encourage me when I cried before the surgery. She thought I cried because I was afraid. I was afraid, but the real reason I cried because I could never live with myself.
If she gave birth to me, why did she put me through this? She said it is for the best. The best for whom? Herself? My dad? Or really for me? The guilt and misery I am going to live with for the rest of my life, is it really for the best for me? And why did she crudely tell my guy to "leave her alone and let her rest" when he specially took the time to see me at the hospital after the operation?
My dad sent me a message saying that he knows it is a depressing time for me, and says he loves me and can call him anytime I want to talk. If he really loves me, why did he not stop her from doing what she did? I have no power to stop her, but he could.
And how would anyone truly understand just how depressed and miserable I feel? They are not me, they have not gone through what I have experienced the past few weeks. They do what they think is right, for the family.
Have they ever thought of doing what is right for me? Have they ever thought I may not think like them, but yet still have to be forced to listen to what they want or risk being thrown out? Someone asked me why did I not stand up for myself. I did, I protested, I really protested.
But what was the use? In the end all came to nought. My mum always has the final say. No one can ever go against her wishes. I thought I can be strong, that this operation will not affect me, that it is absolutely necessary I must go through with it.
Yet now why am I feeling so miserable when everything is well now? Why am I still crying buckets and sobbing uncontrollably? There is nothing I can do now. The deed is done. My heart can only go on.... and hopefully it heals someday.
As I said, I cannot blame her, but she is not the one who got insomnia the night before the operation. She is not the one who cried buckets days before the operation. She is not the one who screamed so loudly when the doctor poked my hand with a needle, and left the tube there for the anaesthetic to flow through my entire body.
She is also not the one who screamed so loudly that she almost got an epilectic fit and the doctor had to cover her nose and mouth with a breathing apparatus. The only saving grace was that the anaesthetic worked so well that I had no recollection whatsoever of the operation. When I was awakened by the nurse, the procedure was already over and I was already back at the ward.
She told me what I went through is nothing, as compared to giving birth, as the woman has to be conscious for the baby to be born. Yes, she was there to encourage me when I cried before the surgery. She thought I cried because I was afraid. I was afraid, but the real reason I cried because I could never live with myself.
If she gave birth to me, why did she put me through this? She said it is for the best. The best for whom? Herself? My dad? Or really for me? The guilt and misery I am going to live with for the rest of my life, is it really for the best for me? And why did she crudely tell my guy to "leave her alone and let her rest" when he specially took the time to see me at the hospital after the operation?
My dad sent me a message saying that he knows it is a depressing time for me, and says he loves me and can call him anytime I want to talk. If he really loves me, why did he not stop her from doing what she did? I have no power to stop her, but he could.
And how would anyone truly understand just how depressed and miserable I feel? They are not me, they have not gone through what I have experienced the past few weeks. They do what they think is right, for the family.
Have they ever thought of doing what is right for me? Have they ever thought I may not think like them, but yet still have to be forced to listen to what they want or risk being thrown out? Someone asked me why did I not stand up for myself. I did, I protested, I really protested.
But what was the use? In the end all came to nought. My mum always has the final say. No one can ever go against her wishes. I thought I can be strong, that this operation will not affect me, that it is absolutely necessary I must go through with it.
Yet now why am I feeling so miserable when everything is well now? Why am I still crying buckets and sobbing uncontrollably? There is nothing I can do now. The deed is done. My heart can only go on.... and hopefully it heals someday.
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