I feel bad, really really bad. I feel so guilty that I have no idea what to do to make things better. Initially I thought I was guilty for not taking better care of myself which warrants that operation in the first place.
I am still guilty and depressed over that. If only I had not indulged so much. If only I had taken life more seriously. If only I did not care about having fun all the time. My body has to pay the price. I only have one body, so if I damage it, nothing else can be done.
My mum says to treat this as a lesson learnt. Only thing is, why must it be such a painful lesson? If only I have known it is going to be so painful, I would have restricted myself more instead of doing whatever I liked. My health is now in jeapardy because of my own doing.
But I am not feeling guilty because of this. The operation is over, and all my regret and depression will soon be over (I hope). I am guilty because my mum became so upset due to my problem. I wish I could have prevented this whole thing in the first place, so she would not be hurt on my accord.
All the more so because she has become so disappointed with my dad. Me too. My dad was supposed to stay until my first brother finishes his final examinations. But his examinations ended a few days back. My mum was expecting my dad to fly back immediately, yet he gave excuses that he needed to attend to something at this place and that place.
Thus my mum blew her top. She felt that was all he cared about for his family, that when his wife needed his support the most, needed him to be around the most, and his daughter needed him to be around the most, he chose not to be around.
My dad sent me a few messages, but what was the use? I wanted him here in person. I do not want to hear his words, saying he cares for me if he does not even bother to come back and show me.
Similarly, my mum does not want to just hear his voice. Voices can be disembodied. She wants him here in person to support her, to comfort her, to be emotionally there for her. What is the use of a man if he cannot be there for you during your most difficult time?
Now I feel so bad. I should not have given my mum such trouble. Now that she is so upset, I cannot seem to do anything to help her. I really wish my dad can just come back immediately. It is not just my mum, I wanted him around too, especially during this period.
I am still guilty and depressed over that. If only I had not indulged so much. If only I had taken life more seriously. If only I did not care about having fun all the time. My body has to pay the price. I only have one body, so if I damage it, nothing else can be done.
My mum says to treat this as a lesson learnt. Only thing is, why must it be such a painful lesson? If only I have known it is going to be so painful, I would have restricted myself more instead of doing whatever I liked. My health is now in jeapardy because of my own doing.
But I am not feeling guilty because of this. The operation is over, and all my regret and depression will soon be over (I hope). I am guilty because my mum became so upset due to my problem. I wish I could have prevented this whole thing in the first place, so she would not be hurt on my accord.
All the more so because she has become so disappointed with my dad. Me too. My dad was supposed to stay until my first brother finishes his final examinations. But his examinations ended a few days back. My mum was expecting my dad to fly back immediately, yet he gave excuses that he needed to attend to something at this place and that place.
Thus my mum blew her top. She felt that was all he cared about for his family, that when his wife needed his support the most, needed him to be around the most, and his daughter needed him to be around the most, he chose not to be around.
My dad sent me a few messages, but what was the use? I wanted him here in person. I do not want to hear his words, saying he cares for me if he does not even bother to come back and show me.
Similarly, my mum does not want to just hear his voice. Voices can be disembodied. She wants him here in person to support her, to comfort her, to be emotionally there for her. What is the use of a man if he cannot be there for you during your most difficult time?
Now I feel so bad. I should not have given my mum such trouble. Now that she is so upset, I cannot seem to do anything to help her. I really wish my dad can just come back immediately. It is not just my mum, I wanted him around too, especially during this period.
3 comments:
sounds odd, but i think we should leave the "adults" to their own... meanwhile, what is more important is that you refrain from blaming yourself...
whatever the case, remember one thing please, you have to be responsible for yourself first -- be it your health... your happiness... your peace of mind.
only when we have dealt with our own "demon", then can we be healthy, happy and well to face others...
just.take.care.of.yourself... please.
it sounds that you blame your mum for forcing u to do this operations. But from ur previous writing, u said that the doctor told u that it is NECESSARY to do the operation (no other choice). so i think it is unfair if u blame ur frustation to ur mum. pls be responsible for urself. I believe ur mum had done what she thinks the best for u.
You continue to sow seeds of confusion over whether this operation was necessary or not.
However, your plea for your father to return really pulls at my heart because I am separated from my kids 4 to 5 days per week.
I am sure he loves you and is doing what he thinks is right and necessary to ensure a secure and prosperous life for you. I just hope he does not wake up one day (like I fear I might) and say, "I have missed seeing my daughter grow up."
Take care, continue to pray (as I do for you).
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