The storm is not yet over. How I wish I can see the dawn again! There is a Chinese saying that “一波未平，一波又起” (hope I got it right, I am never proficient where the mother tongue is concerned!). Loosely translated, it means “Before one wave settles, another wave arises”. In layman’s terms, it means before a trouble brewed over, another trouble comes.
And that is what I am into right now. Alright, I am full of troubles. Maybe there is something in my karma that attracts trouble one after another. Perhaps I really should go change my name, maybe the karma can be improved? I do know of people who changed their names and their luck started going up.
The thing is despite all the troubles I have right now, no matter how despair I feel right now, no matter how abandoned I feel and how I may just start losing faith because my intermittent prayers never seem to get answered, somehow my values and principles are still intact.
Honestly, if I am to really solve whatever that is plaguing me, I can, through unethical ways. I can do something that can solve everything with just minimal effort. Sounds too good to be true right? It is what a lot of people are doing, but not me. No matter how stressed I am, how desperate I am, I will never do anything against my conscience. If I am willing to, I will not be in this state.
So why is it when I try to be a “good girl” and not do anything illegal and unethical, I still cannot resolve whatever that is plaguing me and people refuse to just give me a chance and more time to try to resolve things? Do people really want to drive me to desperation and want me to do something unethical just to solve everything?
I am not running away from anything, but the fact is if I can solve within my own ability, I will not be in this state. I have run away from problems before by taking the short way out, and I have never felt good about that, so I am never going to do the same thing again. But if I can solve it, I will not be just keeping quiet and figuring out what to do with no solution in mind.
Now I can start to fathom why people choose the cowardly way instead – problems cannot be solved and they are driven to desperation and despair, so just chose to leave this world. To many people, they are taking the cowardly way out, because they left behind unresolved problems as a burden to their loved ones. But if one is in their shoes, it is understandable why they do this.
That does not mean I will do the same thing. I can understand their actions, but that does not mean I condone that as well. It is true if one just chooses to leave the world because of troubles, those troubles will be left behind and it would be their family members who clean up their mess. The least one can do is to be responsible to the family members and not get them involved.
Still, that does not solve my problems. At times one wonder what else can one do, when all options have been exhausted? No one is willing to find solutions for you or offer any help (not that I expect anything), and at the end of the day, one either live on and suffer for the rest of the life, or choose the easy, albeit cowardly, way out.
Which makes me wonder, which is the lesser of the two evils? What is the worst that can happen? Live on in a living hell, knowing the problems will haunt you throughout (and that is not a good feeling), or just go straight to hell and burn? Or worse, the attempt to leave the world did not succeed, and one becomes paralysed for the rest of the life, worse than a living hell?
And that is what I am into right now. Alright, I am full of troubles. Maybe there is something in my karma that attracts trouble one after another. Perhaps I really should go change my name, maybe the karma can be improved? I do know of people who changed their names and their luck started going up.
The thing is despite all the troubles I have right now, no matter how despair I feel right now, no matter how abandoned I feel and how I may just start losing faith because my intermittent prayers never seem to get answered, somehow my values and principles are still intact.
Honestly, if I am to really solve whatever that is plaguing me, I can, through unethical ways. I can do something that can solve everything with just minimal effort. Sounds too good to be true right? It is what a lot of people are doing, but not me. No matter how stressed I am, how desperate I am, I will never do anything against my conscience. If I am willing to, I will not be in this state.
So why is it when I try to be a “good girl” and not do anything illegal and unethical, I still cannot resolve whatever that is plaguing me and people refuse to just give me a chance and more time to try to resolve things? Do people really want to drive me to desperation and want me to do something unethical just to solve everything?
I am not running away from anything, but the fact is if I can solve within my own ability, I will not be in this state. I have run away from problems before by taking the short way out, and I have never felt good about that, so I am never going to do the same thing again. But if I can solve it, I will not be just keeping quiet and figuring out what to do with no solution in mind.
Now I can start to fathom why people choose the cowardly way instead – problems cannot be solved and they are driven to desperation and despair, so just chose to leave this world. To many people, they are taking the cowardly way out, because they left behind unresolved problems as a burden to their loved ones. But if one is in their shoes, it is understandable why they do this.
That does not mean I will do the same thing. I can understand their actions, but that does not mean I condone that as well. It is true if one just chooses to leave the world because of troubles, those troubles will be left behind and it would be their family members who clean up their mess. The least one can do is to be responsible to the family members and not get them involved.
Still, that does not solve my problems. At times one wonder what else can one do, when all options have been exhausted? No one is willing to find solutions for you or offer any help (not that I expect anything), and at the end of the day, one either live on and suffer for the rest of the life, or choose the easy, albeit cowardly, way out.
Which makes me wonder, which is the lesser of the two evils? What is the worst that can happen? Live on in a living hell, knowing the problems will haunt you throughout (and that is not a good feeling), or just go straight to hell and burn? Or worse, the attempt to leave the world did not succeed, and one becomes paralysed for the rest of the life, worse than a living hell?
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"If it is not right, don't do it. If it is not true, don't say it."
- Marcus Aurelius
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