I finally went to see a counsellor last night. After so many weeks of on-off depression, I sobbed my heart out at the counselling center. My counsellor could see I am really disturbed, thus he made another appointment with me two weeks later, when it normally needs a month to get an appointment.
I poured my heart out over everything, things I can have but others cannot, things I cannot have but others can, and things I had which I lost through special circumstances. This was the first time I cried my heart out so bitterly in front of a third party with no relation to myself, and even then, I still do not feel that much better.
The counsellor did not tell me what to do or impose his opinions on me. He just let me talk though everything I wanted to say, asked leading questions, let me dig into my own sub-conscience, but did not try to solve the problems his way.
So I told him everything – all that had happened, all I had gained and lost, all things good and bad I had experienced. I told him about my relationship with my parents, how hard I tried to fight for what I want, my relationship with my guy and how he can be so loving yet so distant at the same time.
Most of all, I told him the very thing on why I am so depressed, why I dared not tell anyone just how depressed I really am for fear of being condemned or looked down upon, because there are people who like to judge and jump to conclusions without knowing the full story and understanding how much certain things impacted me.
Having said that, I am grateful for everyone who gives their two cent’s worth, be it in a positive or negative light. I know there are people who care, and I truly appreciate it. My friends, my family, even people in cyberspace whom I do not know.
After the session, I emerged with a bit of a load off my mind. Although my problems are still not solved, but at least I told an objective person everything, without being judged or told what to do.
Even though I am still depressed, at least talking to someone helps ease my confusion and frustrations a bit. Incidentally my cousin asked if I wanted to see a counsellor earlier on, and I told her I went already. She asked when my next session will be and said she would accompany me for my next session.
Why is it my parents can never do this for me? I cannot even show I am depressed in front of them! There are so many things I want to tell them, I wish can share with them, like how other normal parents-child relationship, but I cannot tell them anything without them judging me or giving me their views from a subjective angle.
At times I wonder what is it I can do to make my parents happy with me?
I poured my heart out over everything, things I can have but others cannot, things I cannot have but others can, and things I had which I lost through special circumstances. This was the first time I cried my heart out so bitterly in front of a third party with no relation to myself, and even then, I still do not feel that much better.
The counsellor did not tell me what to do or impose his opinions on me. He just let me talk though everything I wanted to say, asked leading questions, let me dig into my own sub-conscience, but did not try to solve the problems his way.
So I told him everything – all that had happened, all I had gained and lost, all things good and bad I had experienced. I told him about my relationship with my parents, how hard I tried to fight for what I want, my relationship with my guy and how he can be so loving yet so distant at the same time.
Most of all, I told him the very thing on why I am so depressed, why I dared not tell anyone just how depressed I really am for fear of being condemned or looked down upon, because there are people who like to judge and jump to conclusions without knowing the full story and understanding how much certain things impacted me.
Having said that, I am grateful for everyone who gives their two cent’s worth, be it in a positive or negative light. I know there are people who care, and I truly appreciate it. My friends, my family, even people in cyberspace whom I do not know.
After the session, I emerged with a bit of a load off my mind. Although my problems are still not solved, but at least I told an objective person everything, without being judged or told what to do.
Even though I am still depressed, at least talking to someone helps ease my confusion and frustrations a bit. Incidentally my cousin asked if I wanted to see a counsellor earlier on, and I told her I went already. She asked when my next session will be and said she would accompany me for my next session.
Why is it my parents can never do this for me? I cannot even show I am depressed in front of them! There are so many things I want to tell them, I wish can share with them, like how other normal parents-child relationship, but I cannot tell them anything without them judging me or giving me their views from a subjective angle.
At times I wonder what is it I can do to make my parents happy with me?
3 comments:
Being depressed is no fun. Feeling trapped and despondant is a lousy feeling. I know I went through a bit over two years of that. I am not sure I Am out of the woods yet, but I am certainly not despondant any more.
Some possibly relevant reflections of mine can be found here, here, and here. Warning, they are what might be considered heavy and depressing.
On a lighter note, you might want to read this.
This sounds serious dear. I have bouts of untold and unknown depression too in my life - and I do know how you feel.
I am not saying I will be a good counsellor, but I can be a great listener. Sometimes it helps to listen to other people stories, and upon reflection, you realise life's not so bad to you after all.
Or at least, that's what most of my very depressed friends used to tell me.
Why? Cos they hear my stories and they realised nothing they went through can beat my depressing life.
I am available for a chat if you want..anytime. Drop me a note. My email's on my blog. :)
Hugs
Richard : Thanks for the links! Feeling a little uplifted now.
Elvina : Yup, I have your email address. I emailed my contribution for Project Pink to you, remember? Incidentally, I may have more to contribute.
I'll hold you up to it should I decide to email you and pour out everything one day!
By the way, if you need my help on Project Pink on anything, just let me know! :-)
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