I received a wedding invitation today from someone. Finally, after all the talks of getting married, now the invitations are finally being sent out. And he did not ask my best friend to pass to me, he sent it to my postal address. I will at least award him for being sincere enough.
It is just a solemnisation ceremony. Coincidentally, it is at a certain hotel. The hotel we stayed in for a weekend when we celebrated our ex-engagement. I am not so affected by the venue since when it comes to weddings, one cannot always get the venues they like.
But why must it be on that day? 28 October. Coincidentally a friend's birthday. That day nine years back was the day we started. That day five years back was the day he proposed and our subsequent engagement. Now he chose that day to get married, with an invitation for me to attend his wedding on that day?!
If he is trying to make me feel insulted and depressed, he is on his way to succeeding big time. I seriously wonder just how much I really ever meant to him? Six years, one month, one day, I do not believe he does not even know me at all. In that case, he should know just how much that day means to me, even now. Come every twenty-eighth day of the month, I cannot help but feel a sense of nostalgia on memories long gone.
If he is getting married on any other twenty-eighth day on any other month, perhaps I would not feel so down in the dumps. But why must it be on that day itself?! Does the day mean any thing to him at all? Or am I the only one who still feels a special significance when that day arrives?
I am not upset because he is getting married. His wedding is a sooner or later thing anyway. I am also not upset that I am not the bride, because from how he has changed, I shall say the two of them deserves each other. Alright, getting really mean now, so I shall stop myself before I get out of hand.
What I am upset about is that am I the only one who still value the times we had? Then to him, was everything that happened between us totally zilch, that he could throw away in an instant? I never did forget, even after other relationships that come, even after other loved ones, even when right now I am so in love with someone else. And it is making me so miserable that I cannot forget the times we had nor forgive what he did to me.
Maybe I only have myself to blame. Maybe I give too much, that people take for granted. When I see my girlfriends who are the dominant ones in the relationships, I cannot help but envy them. Why is it they can meet guys so utterly devoted to them, so willing to do anything for them, yet they are giving the hot-cold treatment to the guys?
Why is it I never have a guy who can be like this? Even when I thought I found someone like that, things are never the same now and before. Why is it in all my relationships (excluding the current one), it was always the guy who called the shots and I had to do his bidding and be utterly devoted, only to get my heart broken again and again?
Each time my relationship ends, I tried to learn the lesson from it. After the first one, I thought he resented me for being ugly and stupid, so I tried to groom myself and look better, read much more and gained more knowledge, so I could at least hold a decent conversation with others without being told what to do.
Even though he was totally demanding, unreasonable and violent and made my life a living hell, still I thought it was my fault that he dumped me, that I was not good enough, that I could not reach up to his standard. Later I realised that if you really love someone, you would take the person as a whole and not impose any rules and regulations at all, so I thought perhaps the problem was on him after all.
When the second one ended, I thought it was because I was not good enough, again I was not pretty or young or sophisticated enough or well-travelled. I went to so many grooming, image and makeup courses just so I could improve in my appearance and look good for others.
I thought he changed because the flight attendants were all better-looking and more charismatic than me. I tried so hard to change, but from someone introverted, it was so hard for me to suddenly become extroverted. I admit I am lacking in public relation skills, but I am trying to improve.
I tried to do everything I could to win him back. I tried being more outspoken, have better grooming and fashion sense, used food and money to get his attention. The things I did to try to get back his affection totally sickens me now, as I never imagine myself ever going down to that level. In the end, I told myself if he is not going to cherish me, then it was his loss, not mine.
Then I found someone who saw beyond my physical self and appreciated my knowledge and character. But even he was not totally devoted to me, even he wanted me to do things his way, wanted me to lead the life he led, instead of going along with what I have in mind.
After some time, I was totally fed up. Why must I always be someone's puppet, someone's follower? Why can I not lead and others follow? Why can I not call the shots, so to speak? I always feel that a relationship should be equal, and even if one person does a bit more or a bit less, it does not really matter.
But to do everything for someone and not getting anything back, and still get ordered around and being taken for granted is more than I can bear. Even if he is someone I love. Every person's patience and tolerance level is limited.
Even then, I thought it was my problem. I thought maybe I just could not give enough, I should learn to give more. But why must I always be the one to give and give and make myself so miserable? And it is true that a girl's greatest blessing is to find a guy totally devoted to her.
I have learnt that too well, from my best friend, from my cousins, from my friends. If he is really into her, she will be a very happy and blessed lady because he will do everything he can to ensure he does not lose her.
At times I wonder, when the guys lost me, did they ever feel anything? Or was it just a relief that I was no longer with them? Did any guy ever treasure me enough to fear losing me?
I always thought it was my problem when my relationships ended, but my best friend and cousin both assured me it was not. They told me each time that I probably have not met someone who truly loves me. For a while, I did believe them.
But when I heard that when my friend's ex-boyfriend gave up his job and came back all the way from Shanghai to win her back as he could not lose her, I was so touched. Why was there never a guy who could do that to me? I am not even asking him to come running back from overseas, but yet why was I never cherished by anyone to warrant someone to win me back?
My exs had called me up years after the breakup and asked me to get back with them. And it was not because they cherished me. It was mainly because they wanted to see if I was still thinking of them, still had feelings for them. And this was from their own words, not because they still love me.
Is it not even more heart-breaking to hear that? It is like just when you are moving on with your life, someone from your past came back to haunt you when you never wanted to see that person ever again.
Perhaps I have not always done the right things, even in my relationships. But I daresay without any guilty conscience that when I fall in love, it is really, truly wholly deep, and I will do everything within my power to keep my love. And I also daresay that I have not mistreated or let down any of my guys because I am a one-man woman. My conscience is clear.
So why do I see girls who are more wilful and temperamental getting the red carpet treatment from their guys, yet no one ever gives a damn about me? No doubt I am with someone good, but things are not as rosy as before in the past, yet for people around me, their relationships are as rosy as when they first started, even after being married for years.
Perhaps I do have a problem. Maybe I am just not cherishable, just not love-able. Maybe I am just too unworthy for anyone to love me and be utterly devoted, with unwavering love and devotion even as time goes by. Perhaps I shall die a lonely old woman, with many loves in my life, yet never finding one that can love me enough to be totally committed and devoted.
It is just a solemnisation ceremony. Coincidentally, it is at a certain hotel. The hotel we stayed in for a weekend when we celebrated our ex-engagement. I am not so affected by the venue since when it comes to weddings, one cannot always get the venues they like.
But why must it be on that day? 28 October. Coincidentally a friend's birthday. That day nine years back was the day we started. That day five years back was the day he proposed and our subsequent engagement. Now he chose that day to get married, with an invitation for me to attend his wedding on that day?!
If he is trying to make me feel insulted and depressed, he is on his way to succeeding big time. I seriously wonder just how much I really ever meant to him? Six years, one month, one day, I do not believe he does not even know me at all. In that case, he should know just how much that day means to me, even now. Come every twenty-eighth day of the month, I cannot help but feel a sense of nostalgia on memories long gone.
If he is getting married on any other twenty-eighth day on any other month, perhaps I would not feel so down in the dumps. But why must it be on that day itself?! Does the day mean any thing to him at all? Or am I the only one who still feels a special significance when that day arrives?
I am not upset because he is getting married. His wedding is a sooner or later thing anyway. I am also not upset that I am not the bride, because from how he has changed, I shall say the two of them deserves each other. Alright, getting really mean now, so I shall stop myself before I get out of hand.
What I am upset about is that am I the only one who still value the times we had? Then to him, was everything that happened between us totally zilch, that he could throw away in an instant? I never did forget, even after other relationships that come, even after other loved ones, even when right now I am so in love with someone else. And it is making me so miserable that I cannot forget the times we had nor forgive what he did to me.
Maybe I only have myself to blame. Maybe I give too much, that people take for granted. When I see my girlfriends who are the dominant ones in the relationships, I cannot help but envy them. Why is it they can meet guys so utterly devoted to them, so willing to do anything for them, yet they are giving the hot-cold treatment to the guys?
Why is it I never have a guy who can be like this? Even when I thought I found someone like that, things are never the same now and before. Why is it in all my relationships (excluding the current one), it was always the guy who called the shots and I had to do his bidding and be utterly devoted, only to get my heart broken again and again?
Each time my relationship ends, I tried to learn the lesson from it. After the first one, I thought he resented me for being ugly and stupid, so I tried to groom myself and look better, read much more and gained more knowledge, so I could at least hold a decent conversation with others without being told what to do.
Even though he was totally demanding, unreasonable and violent and made my life a living hell, still I thought it was my fault that he dumped me, that I was not good enough, that I could not reach up to his standard. Later I realised that if you really love someone, you would take the person as a whole and not impose any rules and regulations at all, so I thought perhaps the problem was on him after all.
When the second one ended, I thought it was because I was not good enough, again I was not pretty or young or sophisticated enough or well-travelled. I went to so many grooming, image and makeup courses just so I could improve in my appearance and look good for others.
I thought he changed because the flight attendants were all better-looking and more charismatic than me. I tried so hard to change, but from someone introverted, it was so hard for me to suddenly become extroverted. I admit I am lacking in public relation skills, but I am trying to improve.
I tried to do everything I could to win him back. I tried being more outspoken, have better grooming and fashion sense, used food and money to get his attention. The things I did to try to get back his affection totally sickens me now, as I never imagine myself ever going down to that level. In the end, I told myself if he is not going to cherish me, then it was his loss, not mine.
Then I found someone who saw beyond my physical self and appreciated my knowledge and character. But even he was not totally devoted to me, even he wanted me to do things his way, wanted me to lead the life he led, instead of going along with what I have in mind.
After some time, I was totally fed up. Why must I always be someone's puppet, someone's follower? Why can I not lead and others follow? Why can I not call the shots, so to speak? I always feel that a relationship should be equal, and even if one person does a bit more or a bit less, it does not really matter.
But to do everything for someone and not getting anything back, and still get ordered around and being taken for granted is more than I can bear. Even if he is someone I love. Every person's patience and tolerance level is limited.
Even then, I thought it was my problem. I thought maybe I just could not give enough, I should learn to give more. But why must I always be the one to give and give and make myself so miserable? And it is true that a girl's greatest blessing is to find a guy totally devoted to her.
I have learnt that too well, from my best friend, from my cousins, from my friends. If he is really into her, she will be a very happy and blessed lady because he will do everything he can to ensure he does not lose her.
At times I wonder, when the guys lost me, did they ever feel anything? Or was it just a relief that I was no longer with them? Did any guy ever treasure me enough to fear losing me?
I always thought it was my problem when my relationships ended, but my best friend and cousin both assured me it was not. They told me each time that I probably have not met someone who truly loves me. For a while, I did believe them.
But when I heard that when my friend's ex-boyfriend gave up his job and came back all the way from Shanghai to win her back as he could not lose her, I was so touched. Why was there never a guy who could do that to me? I am not even asking him to come running back from overseas, but yet why was I never cherished by anyone to warrant someone to win me back?
My exs had called me up years after the breakup and asked me to get back with them. And it was not because they cherished me. It was mainly because they wanted to see if I was still thinking of them, still had feelings for them. And this was from their own words, not because they still love me.
Is it not even more heart-breaking to hear that? It is like just when you are moving on with your life, someone from your past came back to haunt you when you never wanted to see that person ever again.
Perhaps I have not always done the right things, even in my relationships. But I daresay without any guilty conscience that when I fall in love, it is really, truly wholly deep, and I will do everything within my power to keep my love. And I also daresay that I have not mistreated or let down any of my guys because I am a one-man woman. My conscience is clear.
So why do I see girls who are more wilful and temperamental getting the red carpet treatment from their guys, yet no one ever gives a damn about me? No doubt I am with someone good, but things are not as rosy as before in the past, yet for people around me, their relationships are as rosy as when they first started, even after being married for years.
Perhaps I do have a problem. Maybe I am just not cherishable, just not love-able. Maybe I am just too unworthy for anyone to love me and be utterly devoted, with unwavering love and devotion even as time goes by. Perhaps I shall die a lonely old woman, with many loves in my life, yet never finding one that can love me enough to be totally committed and devoted.
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