As I was thinking back on my life so far, especially the later part of this year, I realise I have changed, and grown. I am much less emotional now. Where in the past I would rave and rant about everything and anything (maybe now I still do), but I have become a calmer person.
My parents and friends are happy that I have finally mature, finally grown up, since I do not let many things affect me anymore. Perhaps it is true that once you have gone past certain things, you will become a stronger person.
This applies especially in love and relationships. When I thought back about the first time I broke up with someone, I was in such a big mess that I could hardly concentrate on anything else. If not for the support of good friends, I would never have picked myself up.
The next time I broke up was a messier affair. It was conveyed through a third party, and when I finally met him for the last time, I was at my best friend's cousin's chalet to celebrate her twenty-first birthday, and he dropped by for a while.
We went out to the swimming pool to talk, to give him the camera, and he took one last picture of me. Then before he left, he still gave me a final peck on the lips and a final hug. It is but a bittersweet memory, and still trigger tears in my eyes come to think of it.
Actually from then on, if I have made up my mind there and then on the type of person I wanted and not settle for anything off, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. I guess I did not want the situation where I go for someone I do not like or who does not like me. So I ended up doing so much more and get disappointed in the end.
However, the next break up was less messy, because I made the decision that he was not the one I wanted to be with for life. So I made the decision to call the whole thing off, and even though tears were shed, I was in a much better state.
The one after that was equally calm and collected. I should have done that long ago, but kept holding on for whatever perverse reason. When the last straw finally came, I told him I wanted to stop seeing him, and then stopped all contact just like that.
This year, I suddenly realise that it is not that hard to find someone who fits what I look for. And I also realise that if the guy is really interested, he will do a lot without me doing much. I have already met two like this, and even though we dated briefly and things did not work out in the end, I had such a fantastic time with both of them because I could really feel their enthusiasm and interest.
So the only thing that is missing is feelings and a deeper connection. Once that is fulfilled, all will come into place. And that is what I yearn for in the new year - someone to see, someone who wants to continue seeing me and who is into me, and whom things will actually work out in the long run.
And I also realise one more thing. Breaking up or stop seeing someone is not necessarily a bad thing. There should be no tears or emotions; rather it just needs a handshake and a promise to remain friends.
Because breaking up is not just the end of a relationship that may not go anywhere; but rather the chance of the beginning of a new relationship that will actually go somewhere. When one door shuts, a new and better one will open.
At the same time, I look back on myself, and think if I have any qualities which men like. Feedback from the two brief dates I had was that they both think I am a talented person, someone with many interests (as affirmed by my best friend), and they felt I may find them too boring for my liking.
Well, I do not believe I am that bad a person. I do not smoke, drink (unless the occasion calls for it), cuss, swear, gamble, buy lottery. I can cook and bake, and like nothing better than cooking and baking for the people I love.
I can play the piano and electone, sing, dance (not that I am that expert), play tennis, squash, bowling and pool (again, not that I am that expert too). I read, write and indulge in stimulating games and activities. I like to travel and see the world.
I like eating, so will go out to find the best places for the best food. That does not need to be at posh restaurants all the time; I am equally happy with just mere simple hawker fare as long as it is nice. I enjoy simple things in life like a walk along the beach at night, or just a stroll in the park.
I am equally happy staying home reading, watching television or discs or just playing the piano and indulging in classical music or slow rock, as well as going for musicals and concerts to appreciate fine works of art, performance and literature.
I care deeply for others, especially those who are really worth it. I am willing to lend a helping hand and a listening ear. I enjoy family gatherings as much as friends gatherings. I give all to the person I really love. I am filial to my parents and respectful to my elders and peers.
The only quirks I have is that I can be moody and bad-tempered (although that has been cut down a lot lately), and I get highly excited over cute things and chocolate. So in essence, I believe I am a good girl, one who is a girl-next-door and does not fool around, one who is not as interesting as others but not as boring too.
So am I really that unlikeable or unlovable? Only God knows. Thus I have been praying for God's guidance the past few days. To find someone I want and whom He wants for me. And I am not going to be involved with anyone ever again unless that person is the right one.
My parents and friends are happy that I have finally mature, finally grown up, since I do not let many things affect me anymore. Perhaps it is true that once you have gone past certain things, you will become a stronger person.
This applies especially in love and relationships. When I thought back about the first time I broke up with someone, I was in such a big mess that I could hardly concentrate on anything else. If not for the support of good friends, I would never have picked myself up.
The next time I broke up was a messier affair. It was conveyed through a third party, and when I finally met him for the last time, I was at my best friend's cousin's chalet to celebrate her twenty-first birthday, and he dropped by for a while.
We went out to the swimming pool to talk, to give him the camera, and he took one last picture of me. Then before he left, he still gave me a final peck on the lips and a final hug. It is but a bittersweet memory, and still trigger tears in my eyes come to think of it.
Actually from then on, if I have made up my mind there and then on the type of person I wanted and not settle for anything off, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. I guess I did not want the situation where I go for someone I do not like or who does not like me. So I ended up doing so much more and get disappointed in the end.
However, the next break up was less messy, because I made the decision that he was not the one I wanted to be with for life. So I made the decision to call the whole thing off, and even though tears were shed, I was in a much better state.
The one after that was equally calm and collected. I should have done that long ago, but kept holding on for whatever perverse reason. When the last straw finally came, I told him I wanted to stop seeing him, and then stopped all contact just like that.
This year, I suddenly realise that it is not that hard to find someone who fits what I look for. And I also realise that if the guy is really interested, he will do a lot without me doing much. I have already met two like this, and even though we dated briefly and things did not work out in the end, I had such a fantastic time with both of them because I could really feel their enthusiasm and interest.
So the only thing that is missing is feelings and a deeper connection. Once that is fulfilled, all will come into place. And that is what I yearn for in the new year - someone to see, someone who wants to continue seeing me and who is into me, and whom things will actually work out in the long run.
And I also realise one more thing. Breaking up or stop seeing someone is not necessarily a bad thing. There should be no tears or emotions; rather it just needs a handshake and a promise to remain friends.
Because breaking up is not just the end of a relationship that may not go anywhere; but rather the chance of the beginning of a new relationship that will actually go somewhere. When one door shuts, a new and better one will open.
At the same time, I look back on myself, and think if I have any qualities which men like. Feedback from the two brief dates I had was that they both think I am a talented person, someone with many interests (as affirmed by my best friend), and they felt I may find them too boring for my liking.
Well, I do not believe I am that bad a person. I do not smoke, drink (unless the occasion calls for it), cuss, swear, gamble, buy lottery. I can cook and bake, and like nothing better than cooking and baking for the people I love.
I can play the piano and electone, sing, dance (not that I am that expert), play tennis, squash, bowling and pool (again, not that I am that expert too). I read, write and indulge in stimulating games and activities. I like to travel and see the world.
I like eating, so will go out to find the best places for the best food. That does not need to be at posh restaurants all the time; I am equally happy with just mere simple hawker fare as long as it is nice. I enjoy simple things in life like a walk along the beach at night, or just a stroll in the park.
I am equally happy staying home reading, watching television or discs or just playing the piano and indulging in classical music or slow rock, as well as going for musicals and concerts to appreciate fine works of art, performance and literature.
I care deeply for others, especially those who are really worth it. I am willing to lend a helping hand and a listening ear. I enjoy family gatherings as much as friends gatherings. I give all to the person I really love. I am filial to my parents and respectful to my elders and peers.
The only quirks I have is that I can be moody and bad-tempered (although that has been cut down a lot lately), and I get highly excited over cute things and chocolate. So in essence, I believe I am a good girl, one who is a girl-next-door and does not fool around, one who is not as interesting as others but not as boring too.
So am I really that unlikeable or unlovable? Only God knows. Thus I have been praying for God's guidance the past few days. To find someone I want and whom He wants for me. And I am not going to be involved with anyone ever again unless that person is the right one.
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