What Grudge(s) Can Do ....

Just one more post before I officially "take a break", as I came across this story which I find really worth reading. The story brought tears to my eyes!

This is for all the single, married, divorced, widowed individuals, who take life for granted. Please I BEG YOU, read this story until the end, it is such an opener. You never know!

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.

I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother."

Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."

There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.

As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me.

For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.

I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.

In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.

That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life.

Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?

At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab.

At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.

The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen?

Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her. I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if.... In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart. One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant.

After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.

That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched – he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.

I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign."

He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?"

Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them.

I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.

Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital.

Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain.

Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain. He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his. I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.

Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....

Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:

"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face....

A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."

This is a true story.

LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!

I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of grudges and anger! Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as well as patience.

This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift. Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to live a life free of grudge. People please let’s live a life devoid of grudge. Communication is key.

Second Millennium

Just realised this is my two thousandth post. Which makes me wonder, what in the world have I written that can generate so many entries? Besides mundane ramblings, do I really have that many things to write about?

Sometimes I wonder, maybe because I do not write fanciful stuff in my blog, so to some, I may not come across as intelligent. But as it is, I have already said my piece with regards to my blog - it is mine, a haven for self-expression. So I can blog about anything I like, I do not blog to please others. I just want to write, to let out my frustrations, to rave and rant and ramble.

In February 2007, one year nine months after I started blogging, I achieved a millennium. Now, June 2009, two years four months from the first millennium, I achieved a second one. I am rather proud of myself, because finally I have started something and keep going for a while now, instead of losing focus and giving up.

So for that, I am going into a hiatus. Last time round, it took two weeks before I was revived. Wonder how long more it is going to take me this time? For those of you who are still coming in, watch this space. I may be back sooner than you think! ;-D

Of Sangria And Sheridan

I discovered a new drink last night - Sheridan! I know of this from books, about a drink called Sheridan, but last night I saw the cute bottle and tasted it for the first time. It is better than Bailey's! For the uninitiated, Sheridan is a type of Irish coffee liquor, by the same manufacturer of the Bailey's Irish Cream.

Sheridan has 15.5% alcohol content. The coffee is dark with rum. The bottle has two parts - half of it is coffee rum, the other half is cream. The spout has two openings, so when you pour it into a glass, the coffee rum and cream comes out together. All you need to do is to mix it. One whiff of it and you feel like gulping down the whole glass!

I had my fill of Sheridan last night. Chilled one makes the drink so much better! After a few glasses of sangria with lemon, coffee is very welcome. But I am not for drinking coffee at night, so when a friend asked for Bailey's, the host let us tried Sheridan instead. The next time I go overseas, I am sure to buy a bottle of Sheridan duty free!

How Much Am I Worth?

In recent years, whenever I feel I am losing my sense of self-worth, I would always end up watching “Joy Luck Club”. This is so I will not start losing myself again, especially after everything it took me to become who I am – more confident, higher self-esteem, more discerning.

I remember Rose’s scene very well in that show. Before she and Ted got together, she was a modern, outspoken woman. She told him she knew who he was, that she wanted to get to know him, that was why she baked him his favourite pie. And he was surprised and impressed that she was a smart lady who held her own opinion. Then she said, “I did not say that to impress you”, to which he replied, “That’s why it did.”

But after they got together and married, all of a sudden, she became a shadow of her former self. She felt herself unworthy, that his opinions mattered, that her own opinions would never matter. She gave up a lot of her own things for him, without telling him, and just ensured his affairs were running smoothly.

She thought she was showing her love by doing that, but he became bored with her, and finally asked for divorce in the end. After that, she still baked him his favourite pie when he said he was coming by the house to tell her how to split their matrimonial assets. It was as if she no longer had any opinion of her own.

Finally, after her mother asked her, “How much are you worth?” and shared with her how women always think they were not worth much until it was too late, that she finally came to her senses and her fighting spirit came back. She told Ted, “You are not taking my house, you are not taking my daughter. Get out of my house.”

That was an unforgettable scene. Rose finally discovered herself, and in Ted’s eyes, one finally saw a glimmer of hope that at last, he had his wife back. For that, they got back together. At least in the movie. In the book they separated and Rose officiated the divorce.

I guess for people of my heritage, it seems to be in our blood, especially for women, to feel they are not good enough to love a man, so if the man is willing to be with her, that is all that matters, no matter how badly treated she is. To many women, being in a “wrong” relationship is better than not being in one.

The Western context is different from the Asian context. I have learnt so many times that men here still do not like a woman being too outspoken and opinionated, as they think she will control him. But I have always emphasized that an outspoken and opinionated woman can also be submissive and attentive to the husband without controlling him.

Which was why I used to be quieter and more submissive. I thought by giving in and pandering to his whims and fancies, he would appreciate me. But he took me more for granted. It took me years to figure that I do deserve better, that if the man could not see that, he is not worth my time!

In any case, I believe if the man truly and sincerely want to be with me, he will accept me whole heartedly, my stubbornness, outspoken and opinionated ways, my temper and bitchiness. So here’s to Amy Tan, for being my inspiration, and the inspiration for all Chinese women across the globe!

Twin Bracelets

Years back, I watched a Chinese show entitled “Twin Bracelets”. I cannot remember how many years ago it was, but I was still in my previous abode then, so it must have been more than fifteen years at least. I remember the show was shown on television. Out of boredom, I watched it, but was touched by the storyline.

Coincidentally, a year or so later, the show was shown again on television, so I watched it again. This show somehow got stuck at the back of my mind, but I did not pay heed to it until this year. For some reason, I had a big yearning to watch the show again. Since it was so long ago, I really had no idea who was starring in the show. I could not remember the English title, but the Chinese title translates literally to “Twin Bracelets”, so I tried searching for “Twin Bracelets movie”.

Finally I stumbled onto an Asian DVD website where I could order the show, so I ordered it. Apparently there were a couple of rather famous Hong Kong artistes starring in it, but that was before they were even well-known. As I re-watched the show again, I suddenly realize why it had already touched me even then.

The story is on two best friends (mixed opinions state them as lesbians) who grew up in a village in China, where men were treated as gems and women were treated as trash. It was not olden times but set in the 1980s. Even at that era, that particular village people (sidenote : Why does “YMCA” keeps running through my head now?) still adhered to the centuries-old custom of match-making.

With education and city influence (there was a movie theatre showing modern shows, they bought soft drinks, and girls were allowed to go to school to read and write), many of the young women were reluctant to go through match-making, but they were suppressed from going against the village rules.

Anyway for the two best friends, they were worried of losing each other once they married. So they made a pact that they would never love anyone except each other. Then it came time for both to be married. One married a good and kind-hearted man, and she really fell for her husband. The other one married a playboy who tried to rape her on their wedding night.

The one who married well decided to go out of the village with her husband, as she wanted her child to choose his / her own partner in the future. The one who did not marry well had always been opinionated and feminist since young, so she immediately wanted to divorce her husband, yet divorce was unheard of in the village.

She then decided to kill herself. Before that, she wanted her best friend to die with her, as she remembered their “pact”. However when she heard her best friend was expecting, she decided to spare her life and they exchanged their bracelets. She went into the sea and drowned. Her best friend came back to the village and saw just a letter, with a pair of identical bracelets she left behind and cried for her friend.

That was the end of the show. After so many years and re-watching it for the fifth time, I still feel touched and moved by the show. The element of friendship. The suppression of women in not so developed areas in the world. At the end of the day, be it match making or not, one’s love and the person you end up marrying is really dependent on luck, is it not?

Some may be lucky they married a good man, some may only show the true colours after marriage, but like what my friend once said, “I make my bed, just lie in it.” Maybe we should take a leaf out from olden times – once a couple is married, they just try to make things work, despite the difficulties and trials they have to overcome. And that is the essence of commitment, of making a marriage last, throughout it all.

Responsibility In Love

Whenever I am in any of my sappy moods, I will start reading books and articles of the romance genre. Or I will start reading blogs which are moving and touching. I tend to enjoy reading blogs more because blogs talk about a person's life (at least some do), and it brings me back to reality after indulging in all the fantasies of stories and movies.

It makes me realise that people are real, not shown as perfect and wonderful, but real with flaws, emotions, feelings. People do make mistakes, some do have similar experiences with me, with what I had gone through in certain times of my life. So it makes me comforted that I am not alone.

It is actually not so hard to distinguish reality from fantasy. In books and movies, everything is perfect in the end. In real life things are not so easy. The ever perennial love story is more dramatic in reality than in just stories. It is so much more straight forward in stories - boy meets girl, they fall in love, have some misunderstandings, start having a cold war, then resolve the misunderstanding, realise their love is too strong to keep them apart, so start over and live happily ever after.

In reality, it is not the case. I have some friends who are very idealistic, thinking once you fall in love, it will be forever. It is true to a certain extent, but many a times, we do meet people at the wrong time. Both can be so right for each other, but somehow one party may not be as committed as the other one.

What next then? Should they even enter into a relationship, hoping to see where things go, or should they do the right thing and do not waste each other's time? If one party is more ready, the other is not, then perhaps it is best not to go into anything. People may say love should not have so many thoughts and considerations, otherwise it is not real love.

The thing is, how will you know both do not love each other? Not everyone is so ready to commit. There may be other factors, whether external or internal. So if I am not able to offer someone the kind of commitment he looks for, even though I may love him loads and care for him greatly, then it is best not to lead the person on. It is best to let him move on and find someone who have the same future goals as him.

Love is not to be taken lightly. It is not so easy as to just find someone to be with and that is it. If you are not willing or ready to commit and end a relationship in marriage, then perhaps it is best not to start anything. To each their own, but for me, especially at this age, especially after having emerged out of depression due to cads, I would want someone whom I can commit to totally and who shares the same values towards commitment for me, who feels ready and willing.

And that is being responsible, to myself, to my partner, to each other. Love is being responsible for the other person, for not leading anyone on, for giving my all to the other person. That is responsibility in love, at least to me! Like I read from Violet's latest post where she quoted a pastor's speech, "If you are not willing to put your spouse and marriage as top priority, then do not get married." Well said! The precursor to marriage is relationship, so if one is not willing to put your relationship and the person you chose as top priority, then do not be in one!

My New Fantasy ....

I think I have been single for too long. For some reason I have been having weird thoughts lately. Maybe it is to do with the fact that I just realised how turned on I can be watching sexy Wolverine in his Oscar opening performance. My gosh, I wanted so much to just rip his clothes off and run my fingers up and down his body! I even entertained thoughts of pouring chocolate sauce over myself! (Alright... that is too much information...)

Having said that, I am all for abstaining. I used to be a strong advocate of abstinence, then I thought to flow with the times, but the moment I let my guard down, I ended up paying a heavy price. So now I am all for abstinence! However, that does not mean I am enforcing my beliefs on anyone else because it is one's free will what one likes to do, no one has any right to judge.

Still, Hugh Jackman is one heck of a man! No wonder he is voted as the sexiest man alive! His wife is a very lucky woman! Seeing him in X-Men, in Van Helsing, and now seeing him singing and dancing, tap-dancing and coming up with the opening number, he is definitely one underrated talent!

I cannot wait to see him in "Oklahoma!", if the musical ever comes here. Somehow I can envision him as the perfect Phantom! Maybe Andrew Lloyd Weber should really consider casting him as the Phantom. He has the body, the charisma, the voice, and I am sure he can play the conflicted emotions of the Phantom to perfection!

Even his speech turns me on! The way he says "I'm Australian who played an Australian in the film called ... Australia ... hosting". Oooooohhh...... anyone who can turn me into marshmallows just by his speech alone is one great keeper!

Verge Of (Another) Breakdown?

My mood has been down for a long time now. It is rather unusual, even for me. I have not been in a good mood for more than a month now. I still feel internally conflicted, sappy, depressed. I start crying over shows and music. That is odd, considering I have been relatively calm and "devoid of emotions" for quite a while now.

I tried numbing myself by reading, indulging in the new discs I bought, listening to music. I shut my mind away from romance novels, and started reading Dan Brown for the suspense and excitement in breaking the crytographer's code, but when the antagonist died, I cried. I should rejoice, yet I cried. Dan Brown is not exactly the kind of books that make one cry.

Then I wanted to watch discs, so I shut my mind to all the romance, romantic comedies and whatever that would make me cry, and started on action. Bourne trilogy, Batman and Dark Knight. Yet I still cried. These are not the kind of shows that people cry over, unlike "The Notebook" or "Titanic". But for some reason I just cried.

And I started listening to music. I shut my mind to all the CDs which I wanted to listen to (again), and just tuned to Power 98. Yet even those songs made me feel down. Power 98 is not the kind of station that plays sentimental and oldies, not like Class 95 or Gold 90.5. So I have no idea why I would feel down.

Something is seriously wrong with me. It is not as if I have been through any form of drama lately. As far as I have been explicit, my life has been pretty normal. It has been pretty normal for more than two years now. Maybe that is the problem - too normal, that it has become boring? That I feel empty, hence all the depression? I have to get my act back together before I suffer another massive breakdown!

Plans For A Road Trip

I was talking to my youngest brother last night and he will be coming back next weekend, which means by the time I come back from the CHOICE June Weekend he will be already back. I was telling him I may make a road trip to Australia next year, probably middle of next year.

First things first, I must ensure I have enough leave up till then, as I intend to take a long trip, about three weeks. Secondly, I have to settle my driving first, and ensure I am adept enough in driving long distance internationally. Thirdly, I have to get a diving certification.

My plan is to go to Perth to explore the place again, then to Cairns to dive at the Great Barrier Reef, then to Queensland and Brisbane to see my cousin, down to Sydney to visit my relatives, to Canberra to see my brother and maybe get some skiing done at the Perisher Blue near to Canberra. After that down to Phillip Island, then back to Perth and Rottnest Island, before flying back home.

What a plan! I am always one for ambitious plans, but never seem to be able to achieve any! In any case, some may know I have an European trip plan too, but that will be for my honeymoon, if and when that ever comes to light! I do plan to bring my parents to Spain in 2011 though, since that will be when the World Youth Day festival will be held, and I can attend the festival, and then join my parents after that (or before that) if the plan comes to fruition.

Oh well, plans are just plans. As what the Joker said, at times, its best not to have a plan, because a "plan" will only spoil things as when people go according to the plan and when things do not, there will be uproar. So maybe one should just go with the flow instead of planning too much!

Spreading The "Holy" Word

A couple of friends just came back from their pilgrimage to Lourdes. I sent in my petition along with a friend's to be placed at Our Lady of Lourdes. Wonder if my petition will be "heeded" and my prayers come true this time round?

Having said that, there are some things which I need to focus on in terms of religion. I was hearing my friend tell me how he became a sponsor and intends to continue with it. I did contemplated that, but being a sponsor means be a living example, answering their queries and helping them through their journey before they get baptised.

I think it will be too hypocritical for me to do that, since I do not exactly lead a "holy" or God-fearing life. Besides, my own knowledge of the Bible is pretty poor. How can I answer queries properly if I myself do not even know where the story or verse is plucked from? Furthermore, being a sponsor means having to go to a fixed mass, which is fine, except I like the flexibility of going to whichever church and attend whichever mass I fancy, instead of going to a fixed one.

Perhaps you may think all these are excuses, but if I do not feel ready, I rather not be a sponsor. Which gives me the next alternative - to be involved in CHOICE, which at least helps me serve God in a wider way instead of just church wide. And come next month, I will be singing in a church choir again, after a hiatus of two years or so.

So besides helping out with the CHOICE Asian Conference next year, I will be involved in the upcoming June weekend as part of the hospitality crew. In other words, I will be one of those doing the cooking of the breakfast, ensuring the participants are comfortable, waking them up, helping out at the workshops, ice-breaking, etc.

I am not doing this for the fun of it, just because it is something new and refreshing. I know I like to try new things, but this is something meaningful, and for once, I find some purpose in my life rather than being bounced around for so long. I have seen enough testimonies in recent months to know that prayers do come true, so since I have made a choice to be a believer, I should be committed to what I can do in this respect.

Lounge @ The Museum

I finally stepped into the newly (not so new now) renovated National History Museum last Friday. However, I was not there for an exhibition, but because there is a cosy cafe there with a pretty nice ambience. Very good for casual dates!

It is a pretty good place to drink, especially with the varieties of cocktails, mocktails and beers available, but I was not in a drinking mood, so I just settled for orange juice and coke. Yeah, what a waste! Maybe the next time I go there I will drink something, and hopefully be better dressed too, since it is a cosy lounge with live music.

From what I can see, the museum has been given a good facelift. Hopefully there will be interesting exhibits there soon so I can step in for real this time!

[Addendum : just found out that the cafe is called Novus Restaurant Bar, Cafe & Courtyard, National Museum of Singapore]

The Most Powerful Emotion

The past couple of months, there have been lots of good news. Marriage, pregnancy, birth of kids. This year seems to be a blessed year somehow. Of course, there are also people like me who got invited to weddings, baby's first month celebrations, and rejoiced in news of upcoming babies, but can only be on the outside looking in, seeing how blissful the couple and parents are.

I read an advice about visualising on what you want and it will come true. It is not as if I have not visualised. Ever since I was fifteen, when I first carried my baby niece in my arms, I visualised a perfect guy, a perfect family, yearning for my turn to have my own family. Now, my niece is already sixteen, and still nothing in sight.

Not sure if any of you read Nicholas Sparks, but he really writes very moving love stories. And guys claim men can never be as emotional as women. The reason the stories he write are so moving is because some are based on true events. He used his parents, his sister, his courtship with his wife and grandparents as inspirations.

People will think stories are just stories, books are just books, movies are just movies, but he witnessed how his dad mourned for his mum for four years. How his wife's grandparents behave like newlyweds after fifty years of marriage. How he knew he wanted to marry his wife after just spending a day with her. How his brother-in-law never thought his sister was the one for him, but could not help falling for her, and married her despite she having a terminal illness.

If these are derived from real life experiences, then yes, it is possible for someone to love someone so much. It is possible to keep the love alive after having kids and grandkids and great-grandkids. It is possible to mourn and miss someone after you lost the person and remain faithful to the love, but it is also possible to move on and find a new love after time has healed all wounds. And real love is shown not in words or gestures, but whether you still want to be with the person despite knowing the person is terminally ill and may be a burden.

Men always scoff at sappy love stories, always scoff at emotional women, but the fact is, love is the only feeling that has outlasted everything else. Because it is so real. Everyone falls in love. Whether one can help it or not, love just comes. When it comes, it becomes so uncontrollable. Even if it is with the wrong person. Love is the only emotion that makes a highly intelligent person lose all his / her senses and do insensible things.

And that is why romance books still sell, romance movies are still popular. Because in general everyone is a romantic deep down. No matter how they deny it, no matter how men think being a romantic is weak, but deep down, they like romance too. They will be romantic too when emotions are triggered. And that is why love is such a powerful emotion, if one dares to love.

Random Rantings

"There is a guy in front of me, who loves me and willing to marry me. There is a guy who can never be mine, someone I can never get, yet he, I want to give my whole heart to." ~ Dr Kate Foster (Sandra Bullock) from "The Lake House".

And such is life, is it not? Since when is life ever so perfect? Often the one you really want to be with is someone that you can never be with, yet the one who wants to be with you, you have no feelings for him. This has happened to almost everyone, even to me. At times I really wonder, why do I keep falling for the wrong person, yet the right person never comes along?

For some reason, I am feeling really moody. I should be happy actually, because in terms of career, I am going places. My supervisor is off on his honeymoon and will not be back until the end of the month. Just before he left, we were told there are going to be major transactions until the end of the year. There will be massive corporate restructuring, mergers and acquisitions, re-branding and integration. Thus, it will be a busy time, so if we are able to achieve all these by the end of the year, we are probably going to have fat bonuses.

The thing is, I am still in the midst of adjusting. And now that he is away, it is up to me to know what to do, what is going on, how to go about doing things. It is a big challenge, and I am feeling nervous, but I just have to grit my teeth and achieve that! What is it I have not done before? In my previous company, I was running the whole department on my own for a period of time too!

But then again, much as I care about my career, it is not the number one to me. I have no qualms giving up my career for my family if need be. So why do I keep getting happier and better on something which is second place to me (not that I do not welcome it), yet the thing that is first place to me, I can never achieve?

I keep being asked to wait. How long more must I wait? Some may label me as desperate, but if I am really desperate, I will not still be so picky. I will have grabbed anyone off the streets. Afterall, in general, men will welcome that. But I am not like that. I am not a loose person, nor someone devoid of values. If I do not like someone, no matter how nice he is to me, I will not accept him because that is being irresponsible on my part and unfair to him.

If I am a man, I will not care so much. I can settle down and father kids even in my fifties. But I am a woman, so things are very different. A woman only has that number of years to bear children. Once past those years, she will biologically be unable to have a child anymore, no matter how much she wants to. This is something men can never understand.

It is perfectly understandable and justifiable why women want to settle down and start a family once they reach a certain age. If the man they are with are not ready, then for their own sake, they should move on and be with someone who is ready and have the same goals. Blame it on the men if they are not able to hold on to the women they love! Why always blame the girl for being fickle and unfaithful?

Just another random raving and ranting. As I said, I have been moody. I am not expecting a fairy tale whatsoever, but as the years go by, and I am not getting any younger, I do wish I can find someone I am willing to carve a future with. I am happy being single, but at the same time, it is so much happier and blissful to have someone to do things together and share my life with. Somehow I feel that there is still something missing in my life, that my life is never complete until I have someone who completes me.

PC Fair 2009

Yesterday was the opening of the PC Show. My supervisor wanted to go get a gaming laptop, so he asked me along. Since my laptop has been cranky for the past months and I do need to check up a better digicam, I went along with him.

First impression was that it is a stampede! I cannot imagine the crowd, on a Thursday night! Needless to say there were more guys than girls, most of the guys came in groups with their own buddies. Afterall, you do not really hear of girls buying all kinds of gadgets, if we are to buy we will go to the shops to buy and not squeeze with the crowd!

I checked out a few impressive laptops. I was so tempted to get one, since the deals are pretty worth it in terms of pricing for the quality. Unfortunately, I am not able to find a laptop that is just as small (ten inches or less), with everything inside - inbuilt microphone and webcam, wireless and bluetooth, and a CD / DVD player. All the small laptops I came across need an external CD player.

If I want a small laptop, it means I want it to be portable and easy to carry around, especially when I am overseas. My laptop is small enough to fit into a backpack. So if I am to carry an extra portable CD player, that defeats the entire purpose, is it not?

In any case, we did not stay there for long. The crowd was just too overwhelming, so we left when the place was about to close, and again it was a big crowd! Anyway, we only reached there around 7:30pm or thereabouts, so we could not really explore much too.

At least he got the laptop he wanted! A big bulky one, but good for gaming and heavy going software! Meanwhile, I am still sourcing for a better digicam and laptop, but that is in no hurry!

Twit Twit!

Finally, I have caved in and created a Twitter account. With technology being ever evolving, I will not be surprised if something else becomes even more popular in the next few months or years. In any case, it is good to keep up with technology as the world is always changing. Sooner or later, everyone is going to have a PDA or blackberry, or even an iPhone, which I have yet to cave in for that! But it will be no surprise if one day I ever get an iPhone, because of PDA, blackberries and iPhones, I find the third one the best, in terms of size and appearance!

How Much To Give For Weddings?

I received this from my friend K. Pretty informative! But it seems like I have "over-given" on some occasions though!

Food - One Of The Basic Guilts

I need to stop eating! My best friend just complained to me that she had been putting on weight, since she had to sample products for her company. But at least she is keeping fit by doing housework! Whereas for me, I have been eating non-stop and not being physically active at all. Once past a certain age, it is hard to go down, but very easy to keep going up!

It was quite horrifying yesterday with regards to my food intake. I have a bad habit, and that is to eat whenever I have a craving (and that is very often!). Thus, I do not eat to live, but I live to eat. That is a very big difference! In other words, I do not eat just when I am hungry, but I eat when there is food in front of me, so even if I am not hungry, I still eat for the sake of it!

Yesterday I could have just gone to my office, but I had to pass by a shop selling kaya toast, and ended up buying two pieces of kaya buttered toast and two pieces of buttered toast sprinkled with sugar for breakfast. Then for lunch when my supervisor brought me out, I could have told him I was not that hungry, but he brought me to a cosy coffeeship and the minced pork noodles were too much to resist.

Then I met a friend for dinner as we were supposed to go for a Prayer Meet. She brought me to a coffeeshop with very nice fried prawn noodles, and again, I could not resist it, so I ordered one dish with extra pork lard (now that is the best part!). When we went for the Prayer Meet, the host prepared some rice cakes and cooked Aglio Olio. Again, I could not resist it and took two helpings, complete with red wine!

I do not even want to count my intake of calories for yesterday! Yet I have not learnt my lesson, I am still munching on Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolates! Gosh, I will turn into a blimp in no time!

What I Want Out Of Life

Last week, my cousin's wife who is now a District Judge asked me why not go back into the practice, as in law firms or courts, and not in-house? She said now that I have practical experience it should be so much easier for me if I want to convert a barrister certificate to become an Advocate and Solicitor of the Supreme Court.

The thing is, I do not wish to start over at this age. Alright, I am not that old, but truth is, I am not that young too. I do not wish to compete with those fresh graduates who have a much longer way ahead of them. Furthermore, I have no idea if I am going to be in this line forever, or that I will even stay in this line in the next few years.

I have had enough of people telling me, why not do a course related to what I do, rather than just something irrelevant that will not help my career? The thing is, I am working so many hours a week, do I really want to do something related to my career when I want to stay away from work after office hours? Which is why I chose my passion, which to many people, is an impractical course that will not get me anywhere.

In my life time, there were only three things I have wanted to do. Law, education and arts, journalism and mass communications. The first two have been achieved, the last is still pending. Which is why I am taking something that can help me in venturing into the communications line. Even if it is not relevant to my current work, it will be relevant and useful one of these days, in whatever things I do.

In any case, it is time to think about what I want out of life. Somehow I have wasted ten years going around in circles, not achieving anything much. I used to think I can never be like my mum, but now with my newfound (not that new anymore) confidence, I believe I can achieve whatever she had achieved too! Only thing is I started ten years too late, so now I must strive even harder to achieve!

Full Utilisation Of Spare Time

I am in need of something more to do! When I was working in my previous workplace, I tried taking up some courses, but in the end they were not feasible, because the office location is out of the way from everywhere. Even if I go off on the dot, it would take an hour to get into town, traffic jam notwithstanding, so by the time I rushed down and whatnot, I would be too tired and flustered to really do anything.

So I just went home after work most of the time. Even then, by the time I reached home, it was dark. People were under the impression I worked long hours since by the time I reached home it was already dark, but actually, I knocked off around the same time, it was just the transport time and distance that was long.

Ever since I started working back in the business district, it seemed as if I suddenly have lots of time to spare. But I did not nececssary work shorter hours. In fact, I am working longer hours since I am in the office before 8:30am and do not go off until after six, whereas in the previous work place, I normally reached around nine and go off by six! But now the transport time and distance is much shorter, since a train ride back home takes only twenty minutes! So by the time I reach home, it was not yet dark!

Which gives me the impression I have more time to spare. I welcome the extra time, but I do need to adjust somewhat, since now that I have more time, it is better utilised to do other things. Hence, I am thinking of taking up those courses which I have done and wanted to do. Like retaking dance classes. I stopped at Beginners Salsa, Tap and Tango, and thinking of carrying on further.

Not to mention the knitting class I wanted to take up last year, but time was a major constraint. Plus a jewellery making class, as I like to try my hand dabbling with accessories I make by myself. The major advantage of working here is that it is central to everywhere else, so going places need not take such a long time! Hence it will be more convenient to take up lessons since the distance is so much nearer!

Of Heels And Straps

The best shoes for special occasions - ankle straps with four-inch heels! No matter what you wear, be it a long gown or a short gown, be it spaghetti straps or tube dresses, be it sleeveless or with sleeves, once you strap on a pair of heels, it is the epitome of class and elegance! I cannot profess I am that classy or elegant, because I am short, walk like a duck and have more traces of cellulite than before, but once I slipped on my four-inch heels with ankle straps, I feel on top of the world!

The right dress makes the occasion. But the right shoes make the complete ensemble. A look is not complete without the dress, hair, makeup, accessories and shoes. However, after all my life of wearing two-inch heels (flat heels at that), anything higher is a bit of a challenge, especially three-inch stilettos and above.

When I put on my new shoes, I thought I would fumble. I was worried I would trip over my dress when going down a staircase, go crashing down and land flat on my face at the bottom, in an uncompromising position. Besides, it is rather hard to walk long distance with something that high. Yes, troublesome as it is, but still, I am not about to trade my normal shoes for my ankle straps in my long gown!

Luckily nothing "interesting" or embarrassing happened. Even though when the dinner ended and the lift was full, a colleague and I had to go to the car park to find her car as she gave me a ride back, we had to walk down the stairs to the car park trying to find her car, I was finding it hard to walk properly with my heels, but still, we managed to make it to the car with nary an incident.

Definitely the shoes are for special occasions! They are too formal for office wear! When I was young and I started wearing three-inch heels for the first time, I was actually not used to them and started limping in the shoes. My ex told me off for being "impractical". But the shoes make me feel good! Thus even though they are impractical, they are tight and one can hardly walk in them, I still want to wear them! Women do extreme things for the sake of vanity!

Mascara!

I can never get used to fake eyelashes! But then again, I am never a fake person, so I can never get used to anything fake. Which is why I am still resisting Botox, no matter how tempted I am to go for it! Thus, I prefer mascara on my eyelashes instead of affixing false lashes.

Recently, maybe it is due to the kind of mascara I am using, I find that there does not seem to be a difference after applying mascara and before applying it. When I was younger, my lashes were longer and more luscious, thus just a couple of coats of mascara made a difference. Or maybe it is the new curler I am using. I used to use the electric curler before it died on me, so I switched to the traditional metal curler.

Despite curling my lashes and applying mascara, they still look the same! It is as if I did not apply any mascara at all! How can I go with "bare" eyes to a formal dinner? I have eyeshadow and liner, but without lashes, the eyes simply do not look the same! Even when I am totally dressed down, whenever I go out, there must still be at least mascara and lip gloss!

In the end, I have to use fake lashes. I am not used to fake lashes. Initially I was worried about putting them on, but it is actually not that hard to put them on. But when I put them on, they stuck to my lashes / lid, and made me uncomfortable. No doubt I got my long luscious lashes in the end, and people actually said I look stunning, but I was pretty self-conscious. I kept wondering would the lashes drop out halfway, would I be able to remove them later, would I pull out my own lashes instead?

Still, vanity takes precedence. Unused to them as I am, I realise they really make a big difference to how I look, and the effect they have on my eyes. Thus, unless I can somehow make my natural lashes longer and more luscious, fake lashes will now be part and parcel of my beauty regime, especially for special occasions. Ah.. the price of vanity!

Wedding Of A Superior

It was a good wedding last night. It was the first time I attended the wedding reception of my superior. I have attended colleagues' (ex-colleague's) weddings, but so far in all the companies I have worked in, most of my superiors were already married. Thus this was the first time I was attending an immediate superior's wedding reception.

The reception was not held at any hotels or restaurants, but at the top of a club. It is a nice ballroom, and since the bride is a dancer, the march-in was accompanied by four ballerinas dancing in. Nice and really cool!

The food was good too. It is a normal eight to nine-course dinner, as typical of a wedding banquet. Every wedding I attended, it is always a beautiful ceremony. It is the start of the journey of the rest of their lives. A marriage is not the end of freedom, it is the beginning of a beautiful journey. It is not the dinner, or a mere party, or "showing off" of the dress or gowns, or ragging, but the promise of a commitment of everlasting love and a bright future.

I have not felt like this for quite some time, but at the wedding last night, I suddenly yearn for my turn. I suddenly wonder when will it be my turn - to be joined in matrimony to someone who will venture with me in this beautiful and wonderful journey of life and make each other's lives very special. I really wish it can come soon!

Don't Pick On Weaknesses!

It was a pretty good Novena sermon just now. It came at such a good time, just when I was in sync with what was being said! The priest said the reason couples quarrel is because they keep picking on all the weaknesses. Somehow that reminds me of the commercial "Beautifully Imperfect".

It is true, is it not? If one is to keep picking on one's weaknesses, then the person will forever be an eyesore. But if one cannot tolerate the other party's flaws and shortcomings in the first place, then there is a choice, is it not? So if we choose to take the person as a whole, warts, shortcomings and whatnot, then we should accept the person wholeheartedly.

Afterall, no one is perfect. There must be a reason why we chose to settle down with someone. Instead of focusing on what he / she cannot do and has not done, why not focus on what he / she can do and have done? Which is why "beautifully imperfect" is such a beautifully perfect concept!

Perhaps my mood is uplifted by the wedding I will be attending later, but that sermon is one of the most inspiring and touching I have ever heard! I do not really remember sermons much, but this will definitely strike a chord in my heart!

Interesting Bus Stops

A friend sent me this. Hmmm.. wonder if these are real or just superimposed? If these are real, why can we not have bus stops like these?

One side

Other side

This is a bus stop?!

The outside

The inside

Reminds me of the Flyer capsule

Are the people real?

Must be popular with kids!

How Many Can You Name?

I find this a rather interesting portrait. Amazing how someone manages to capture just about every outstanding character in history in one portrait! Last count, I was able to name about fifty. Some I can recognise the faces but not the names, and I am pretty sure there are many I can name but cannot recognise the faces!

[Addendum : The answer key is here. So how many did you get right? ;-p]

After The Pain, Comes The Pleasure

Correct me if I am wrong, but I think there is a song with the title "Pain Comes Before The Pleasure". Or is it the "Pleasure Before Pain"? I may be mistaken in any case, but pain coming before the pleasure makes more sense to me. After all, is it not what life is? Full of pain and bitterness, with pleasure and sweetness to come later, except for some people, the pleasure and sweetness may never come.

I know for sure what I am talking about. My life had been painful for a long time. Bad relationships with family, cheated and heart broken by men, struggling with school and work, wondering if my job is secure to meet another month's survival or will I be out of job again. For a long period I was insecure, paranoid, thinking the worst of everything.

But it is true indeed that after the pain comes the pleasure. Now I have job security. My relationship with my family is now pretty good. I have not been cheated by anyone for a long time, or rather, I should say I have not let myself be cheated by anyone for a long time. So the only pain is that because of that, I have also not been loved and in love with anyone for a long time.

But I still do believe that pain comes before the pleasure. I believe all these waiting is worth it for the man who will eventually be mine. The wait is all the more pleasurable if the end product is sweeter than anything else. Hence I just have to continue being patient, even if it drives me crazy and to my wit's end at times. I truly hope the end product is worth savouring!

Movie Clearance Sale!

I have no idea what possessed me to buy ten movie discs yesterday, when I already have too many movies to watch at home! I was passing by a CD shop, and it was having a clearance sale with movie discs going at incredible prices. So I just grabbed whatever show I have always wanted to watch and re-watch, and before I knew it, I have gotten twenty. But I need to discipline myself, so in the end I removed ten and bought only ten.

Come to think of it, I have lots to catch up on in terms of reading and movies. From my own collection, I still have "Frequency", "King Arthur", "Capote" and "Schindler's List" yet to watch. From the list I bought yesterday, I have "No Country For Old Men", "Nights In Rodanthe", "Elizabeth The Golden Age", "Pay It Forward", "The Assassinaion Of Jesse James" and "Charlie Wilson's War" to watch, as well as "Music And Lyrics", "The Lake House", and "Dead Poets Society" to re-watch. Not to mention "The English Patient" as well.

I have yet to find "Twilight", "The Other Boleyn Girl" "Michael Clayton" and "American Gangster". Having said that, I just ordered the entire "Twilight" series, four in one, with the original covers at an incredible price! Just a pity I missed out on the Bourne trilogy again! As well as Nicholas Sparks movies like "Message In A Bottle" and "A Walk To Remember".

In any case, I ended up watching "No Country For Old Men" and "Music And Lyrics". "No Country For Old Men" is really deserving of the Best Picture. It seems as if late 2007 to early 2008 is a very good year for good movies, but just a pity I missed out on a lot! "Music And Lyrics" is another show which I watched, or re-watched. The first time I watched it was due to Hugh Grant (with his tight pants and hip swaying), but this time round I paid attention to the storyline. "Music" without "Lyrics" really do not work!

In Search For A Song

There is this song that is running through my head. I first heard it at a karaoke session with friends, and it had a special meaning to someone. Then I heard it in a car ride. I asked for the song title and singer, and was told by a friend, but after that it totally slipped my mind.

Recently, due to the downtime I had, I start to think of a few issues I have in my life. I was wondering where to proceed on certain things, when suddenly I heard the song again, or rather, part of the song.

I heard it on Monday night when a group of us are sitting down in a cafe having a meeting for the CHOICE Asian Conference next year. My expression froze for a while after hearing the song. Since then, I have been trying to look for the song.

This comes at such a time! I wonder if it is a mere coincidence, or is it a sign that things are not at an end yet? Whatever it is, I must find the song! I have let it slip once, now I must get it back again, no matter what happens!

A pity I cannot remember what the whole song sounds like. Neither can I remember the title and singer. All I can remember is the repetitive chorus, with the same phrase over and over again. The song now means a lot to me, so I really hope I can find it soon!

The Central Business District

In my younger years, I could hardly wait to get out to work. Which was why I took an accelerated course in the university so I could start working and earning my keep fast. A stupid idea, now come to think of it. I should have just taken my time and enjoyed myself more. What possessed me to want to get out into the working world so fast, now that I wish I can go back to be a full-time student?

I guess I was captivated by corporate warriors in their corporate suits, fighting fire during board meetings, making themselves seem so important. I yearned to be like that. Why, I have no idea! I just thought it will be a sense of achievement to be one of those suited executives making boardroom decisions.

My first job was not a suited executive, and I did not make boardroom decisions. In fact, I was often thumbed down whenever I had ideas but they were not in line with policies and rules and procedures. I went in with the basis that I had a passion for the job, but after a few years, I could stand it no longer and decided to leave.

Hence I started fulfilling my childhood dream of being a suited executive in the business district. But reality is not the same as fantasy. I realise there is no need to wear any suits in the office. Even the men do not wear suits! I do not even need to wear the frumpy blouse and A-line skirt combination! And unless you are a director of the company, otherwise you never have to make any boardroom decisions.

I learnt that very early and was a tad disappointed. What really disappointed me further was I never even had to make any decisions, just had to follow instructions. After being able to make some decisions and having autonomy in my first job, it was quite a big change from being a sort of a leader to a mere follower. But work is work, unless I can live on air, otherwise I just have to do it.

Through the years, my career has been bouncy. I tried working in various places, but either I do not have the appropriate qualifications nor the experience. Until my big break came three years back. At that moment, I wanted so much to get out of the business district, and my wish came true, as I found a job that not only helped my career, but made me learn a lot and it was out of the business district as well!

I would not have left save for the unhealthy working environment which got worse through the years. Furthermore, I started to feel stagnated after two years. I have learnt whatever I could there and it was time to move on. Hence, a better job offer came at the right time, and now I am back to being a corporate lady (not a suited one though) in the business district.

I have forgotten how expensive things are in the Central Business District. I took for granted in my previous company, there is a convenience stall next to the building, so I could always go down for a tea break, buy some snacks and candy, and have my daily dose of chocolate. Then I cut down since I thought the things there are expensive.

Until I went back to the business district. Now, there is a convenience stall next to my office building too, so I go there sometimes to buy snacks and candy. However, the same items cost almost twice as much here as compared to my previous place! Five dollars could buy me quite a few things in the past, whereas now I can get only two items at the most!

The advantage is that because it is the business district with a very big lunch crowd, there is no lack of eating places here. Even though the place can get very crowded at times, at least the food is nice and cheap. There are no lack of eating places at my previous work place too (although not as much variety), and much less crowded, but the price of the food there is a killer! Now I can take the same food and quantity at just half the price! So I guess that kind of balances out!

Luckily my office is at the end of the business district, so the crowd is not that bad, as compared to the beginning and middle part. I used to work around that area, so I could hardly wait to get out of there as I felt so claustrophobic and uncomfortable due to the lunch crowd. Now that I am a bit further down, things seem better - for now that is!

End Of The Second Quarter

Is it June already? Goodness me, how did half the year go by so fast? What have I done for the first half of the year? The first quarter was without a hitch, the second quarter had more changes, namely in terms of religious activities and a job change.

I got my name cards last week. I am surprised I actually have name cards, since I am no big wig. What really surprises me is that my name cards were made for me before I even needed to request for them! Furthermore, I could choose the kind of work to do, so I will no longer need to draft and amend any long boring agreements, and concentrate solely on corporate work like board meetings, resolutions, mergers and acquisitions, liquidating and dissolution of companies, regional corporate finance.

Although now I wonder if that is a good or bad thing? The contracts work which I turned down concentrate on regions, whereas the corporate work which I am taking on is on all regions, no concentration area! Hmmmm... oh well... I just take it as a challenge!